"Yes, he was. He was also calmer," Susannah confirmed.

*****

Todd woke up a few times during the night. He still seemed a little disoriented. At times he would remember he was at the hospital. Other times he thought he was home or at the Sun. Todd remained calm. He would call out for Viki or Sam, then he would fall asleep again. He did not have any more seizures. Sam came to the ICU around midnight. Reluctantly, Viki kissed Todd and Sam goodnight and went to the family lounge, on seven, to get a good night's sleep. Susannah spent the night in her office, getting some sleep on the couch. The ICU staff checked on Todd throughout the night and was pleased that his physical condition remained stable.

*****

The sun streaming through the window woke Viki up. She looked at her watch. She couldn't believe it was seven-forty. She never thought she'd get a wink of sleep because she was so worried about Todd. Exhaustion had taken over and she had slept through the night. At first she panicked, then she realized that they would have called her if there had been a problem. She quickly showered and changed and headed for the ICU.

Susannah also managed to get several hours sleep and woke fairly refreshed, as did Sam, who slept in a reclining chair next to Todd's bed. Sam had comforted Todd the few times he woke up and had been able to get him back to sleep each time. He went along with whatever Todd said. He comforted him about himself, Starr, and the newspaper. At one point Todd said he had to go get some food for Moose. Sam assured him that Moose had been fed and was sleeping. Todd muttered, "Thanks Sam." He then went back to sleep. There was almost something eerie about his calmness.

Todd was scheduled to be moved back to his room on seven in the late afternoon. They wanted to keep him in the ICU a few extra hours because he was still experiencing some confusion and extreme sleepiness. Todd was asleep when Susannah got to the there. "How are you doing?" she asked Sam.

"Not bad. I got plenty of sleep. Todd slept most of the night. He was confused, but he slept."

"I checked his chart and he's doing very well. His vitals are good. He's had no seizure activity. Looks like we'll be moving him upstairs later."

"Why is he still so confused and sleepy?" Sam pressed.

"Todd may be experiencing a longer postictal state after all. It really may not have been Todd who came out after the status epilepticus."

"You really think the kid who answered to Todd and couldn't see may have been an alter?"

"I don't know. Perhaps if he was, he'll come back again," Susannah answered.

Sam looked at Todd. He was still sound asleep. He knew Viki would be there any minute. "Susannah, can I speak with you outside, alone, before Viki gets here?"

"Of course. Let's go. We'll be right outside," Susannah told one of the nurses. She and Sam sat in the waiting area.

"I don't want to say this in front of Viki because I'm not sure about any of it and I don't want to upset her for nothing," Sam began. "I think I know why Tom is so upset with Kevin. Tom thinks Kevin and Téa are boyfriend and girlfriend. He thinks she's still angry with Todd and so she became Kevin's girlfriend."

Susannah was not shocked. Nonetheless, she was surprised. "Did Tom actually tell you this?"

"Yes, that night, after Téa and Kevin were both visiting him. He had been given his sleep meds and he was already groggy . . . maybe that helped him to say what he was really feeling. I don't know. He asked me right out if Kevin was Téa's boyfriend."

Susannah remembered back to that night. "That must have been why he was so upset about the rose. It wasn't just that he thought they were laughing at him. Well, we will have to make sure to straighten Tom out about that the next time he comes out."

"Susannah, that's just it. That's why I wanted to speak with you alone about this. I'm not so sure he's wrong about it." Sam could see that, now, Susannah was shocked. "Look, I'm probably way off here, but you know the alters . . . especially Tom . . . they have . . . I don't know . . . like this sixth sense when it comes to things. They sense your mood before you even know what you're feeling yourself."

"Is that what your basing your suspicions on?" Susannah interjected.

"No, not just that. Haven't you noticed a growing closeness between Téa and Kevin? Susannah, please understand. I don't, for a second, believe any of this is on Téa's part. I do see that Kevin seems to always pop up wherever Téa is. Kevin may not even be aware of it himself. I know he's lonely since he and Cassie separated. I know he is trying to deal with a lot of feelings and issues when it comes to Todd and the alters. I realize a tremendous amount of pressure has been placed on him by Todd's illness. Maybe he resents Todd for it and feels too guilty about that to acknowledge it? You're the psychiatrist. I don't know."

Susannah thought about it for a minute and she realized there was something in what Sam said. "Have you spoken, at all, to Viki about this?"

"No. She has enough on her plate without having to worry about this. I may be totally off base here. I hope I am, because if Kevin is starting to have feelings for Téa that is really going to complicate things around here," Sam responded.

"I don't like keeping things from Viki. In this case I do agree that we should find out if there is anything to this before we approach her with it," Susannah agreed.

Sam was almost sorry he mentioned it. "Do you plan on talking to Tom about this?" Sam asked anxiously.

"No, I plan on talking to Kevin about it."

Sam shook his head. He knew that was necessary. Nevertheless, he hated doing anything that might endanger the fragile relationship Kevin had with the alters. He knew that Timmy could not handle Kevin disappearing from his life again. "Please, make sure he understands how important his visits are to Timmy," Sam implored.

Susannah heard the desperation in his voice. "I will make very sure that Kevin understands that," she promised.

A nurse approached to tell them that Todd was waking up. Just as they were about to head back inside they saw Viki walking toward them. Seeing them in the waiting room she immediately became concerned. "Is there a problem?" Viki's voice trembled with fear.

"Nooo," Sam put his arm around Viki's shoulder. "We just didn't want to wake Todd up. One of the nurses just told us he is waking up now." Viki was relieved and headed inside with Sam and Susannah.

*****

Todd rolled over on his back. He felt the bed under him in an effort to orient himself. "Good morning, Todd. It's Doctor Hanen. How are you feeling?"

"Viki," Todd called and reached out.

"I'm right here, sweetheart." Viki took his hand.

"I feel weird," Todd complained.

"Can you tell us in what way you feel weird?" Susannah asked him.

"Far away. Am I in the hospital?"

"Yes. You are still in the ICU. You'll be going back to your room a little later today," Susannah informed him.

"ICU?" Todd knew there was something he needed to remember . . . something that was different . . . something bad. Then it came to him. He sat straight up. "Doctor Hanen! Doctor Hanen!" He reached out.

"I'm right here Todd. What is it?" Susannah took his hands.

"You told me I had . . ." He tried to remember the word Susannah had used, but he couldn't. "You told me I had fits. Did you tell me that or did I dream it?" Susannah knew he was ready to talk about this.

"No, you didn't dream it. Todd, you have a seizure disorder. It's called epilepsy."

He was quiet again. "So now I'm an even bigger freak," he mumbled. His head hung down in shame.

"Pal, listen to me. It's not like that. It's a disorder. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Sam tried to reason with him.

"Should I just add it to all the other things I do that I'm not supposed to be embarrassed about?" Todd sarcastically stated.

Sam, Viki and Susannah exchanged looks. Susannah lowered the side rail and sat down on the bed. "Todd, have you ever know anyone with diabetes?"

Todd looked puzzled for a moment and then answered. "Yeah. A kid in my elementary school and one of the cleaning ladies my dad hired had diabetes."

"Do you think that made them freaks?" Susannah posed.

"No. They were just like everyone else, except they had to give themselves shots and not eat too much sweets and stuff like that."

"Well, epilepsy is not any more a freakish disorder than diabetes. It isn't something you catch or do wrong or cause to happen to you. It does not mean you have brain damage or are any less intelligent."

Todd remained silent for a minute and then asked, "So if I didn't catch this what makes it happen?"

"There is a tiny little scar in your brain. It probably happened when you sustained a head injury."

"Yeah, I've had lot's of those," Todd admitted. He looked ashamed.

"Todd, epilepsy is nothing to be embarrassed about. Many famous people had or have epilepsy."

"Yeah, like who . . . some criminals or something?" Todd asked bitterly.

Susannah had made sure to be prepared for this question. She hoped that Todd would eventually ask. "No, people like Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Peter the Great, Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great. Some of the great thinkers and philosophers have also been epileptic, such as, Pythagoras, Socrates, Thomas Edison and Alfred Nobel. The list include writers and actors like, Lord Byron, Mark Twain, Dostoyevski, Flaubert, Charles Dickens, Lewis Carrol, Edgar Allen Poe, Margaux Hemingway, Bud Abbott, of Abbott and Costello, Danny Glover. The apostle St. Paul had epilepsy, so did Vincent Van Gogh and the composer Tchaikovsky. That's quite an impressive list if you ask me," Susannah stated.

"Yeah, I guess. I even heard of some of those guys," Todd said softly. His comment made everyone smile. "So did I squash my brain or something when my head got hurt?"

"No. Your brain is fine. It just has a tiny scar that interferes with the electrical signals," Susannah explained.

"Electrical signals?" Todd looked puzzled. He had apparently blocked out what Susannah already told him about epilepsy.

Susannah hoped that he would allow himself to remember this time. Susannah needed to explain this in a way Todd could understand. "Yes. The nerves throughout our body act like telephone lines. They allow the brain to send signals to the rest of the body. These lines are called the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. Our nervous system is responsible for most of the actions of our bodies."

"I think I remember that from some Bio class, which I probably flunked. That's like all connected to our brains and spine," Todd interjected.

"Yes! Todd, that's very good. That is exactly right. The central nervous system includes the brain and the spinal cord and is like the interstate or highway of the nervous system. The peripheral nervous system is made up of the nerves that sense and control movement. They are like the back streets and roads of the nervous system. Signals travel down the central nervous system through the spinal cord until they reach their branch of the peripheral nervous system. Then the signals go through the peripheral nervous system to their particular nerve endings." Susannah paused and waited a few minutes for Todd to absorb what she just explained.

"So my nervous system has like this big detour sign that says road closed because of major screw up." Todd's voice had a touch of, understandable, bitterness in it.

"Todd, not a screw up . . . more like an accident. You know the detour sign is an excellent analogy. You are so very smart. When a seizure occurs, out-of-sync signals from the brain travel along the nervous system pathway to sensors, like the nerves that flex muscles. These out-of-sync signals may keep the brain from understanding what the eyes see or may cause a leg muscle to become weak." Susannah paused for a second and then continued. "Or, in the case of a generalized seizure, the out-of-sync signals can cause a person to fall or even lose consciousness entirely." Once again, Susannah paused and gave Todd some time to process what she just told him.

"Does that happen to me? Do I fall and become unconscious?"

Susannah heard fear and embarrassment in Todd's voice. "Yes, honey, you do. I know that sounds very frightening, but it's nothing to be afraid of or embarrassed by. The kind of seizures you have are called generalized tonic-clonic and they last for about three minutes to five minutes."

"I'm a freak," Todd mumbled. "No! Todd, didn't you hear what Doctor Hanen told you about all those famous people who have epilepsy? Listen, pal. Did you ever see Abbott and Costello on television?" Sam tried to get him to understand.

"Yeah," Todd answered. His head was still hung down in shame.

"Did Bud Abbott seem like a freak to you?"

"No," Todd responded sullenly. He was still not convinced.

"What about Danny Glover? Did you ever see him in a movie?" Viki asked.

"Yeah, he's cool," Todd replied with a little more enthusiasm.

"Sweetheart, you are no different from either of them," Viki assured him.

"You have a symptom of a neurologic disorder, a disorder that affects the brain and shows itself in the form of seizures. It is the same as having high blood sugar might make someone with diabetes very thirsty or cause them to have to urinate often," Susannah continued to explain.

Todd still looked frightened and embarrassed. "What makes the electrical stuff in my brain go out of whack? It must be something I'm doing wrong or maybe because I'm stupid or crazy? Maybe I can stop doing it?" Todd asked desperately. This brought bringing tears to Sam and Viki's eyes.

Susannah tried to think of a way to make this very complicated answer simple. "Okay. First, you did absolutely nothing wrong and you are neither stupid nor crazy. You do not get epilepsy because of something you do. The neurons, which are the nerve cells in our nervous system, send messages through an electrochemical process. This means that chemicals result in an electrical signal. Some very important minerals, called ions, like sodium, potassium, chloride and calcium have positive and negative charges, like a battery. They send electrical signals. The electric signals in the brain are very small, but they are enough for one neuron to switch on another neuron. Epilepsy is what happens when these cells misfire. A seizure happens when a large group of neurons misfire. In other words, it's a temporary short circuit of the brain. In your case, it happens because one of the brain injuries you suffered left a small scar on your left temporal lobe. The scarred area of your brain interrupts the normal flow of cell firings and a seizure happens."

Todd was quiet again. "Sweetheart, do you understand what Doctor Hanen just explained to you?" Viki probed tenderly. She stroked Todd's head.

Todd nodded and asked, "Is this going to happen to me a lot?"

"We hope not. If it does, we will keep you safe. You can also help to keep yourself safe," Susannah pointed out.

"It's never safe," Todd responded. He seemed hopeless.

"I know it seems that way, but you can trust us to keep you safe, in every way." Susannah heard Todd sigh. She knew he was still not able to trust in anyone telling him they would keep him safe. "Do you want to know what you can do to help yourself if you start to have a seizure?" Susannah pressed.

"You mean there's a way I can stop the seizures?" Todd asked hopefully.

"No, Todd. I'm sorry, honey. Once a seizure is starting to happen you won't be able to stop it. You can keep yourself safe by listening to your body. Sometimes, right before a seizure begins, your body may give you some signals that it is about to happen." Susannah paused. Todd didn't respond. Still, she could tell he was listening to her, so she continued. "The signal may be a sensation of an odd taste or smell. You may feel very tired. You may feel dizzy or have an upset stomach. You may have a headache or feel overly anxious or weird in some way."

"Big deal! Except for the taste and smell thing I always feel those ways," Todd snapped. Sam and Viki both shook their heads and looked at Susannah. Todd's constant suffering was hard to take.

"I know you feel very bad most of the time. Hopefully you will start to feel better soon." Susannah tried to sound encouraging. "The way you might feel any of those things before a seizure will probably be different. The feelings may be stronger or you may experience them in a different way than you usually do. If you feel any of those things it is very important that you tell someone and than go lie down and turn on your side. If you are near your bed go to that. If not, lie down on the floor wherever you are, unless you are somewhere that would make lying down dangerous. This will protect you from falling. It is important that you turn on your side so you don't choke on saliva." Susannah didn't add, from vomit as well. She knew Todd became frightened about throwing up, and that it would add to his feeling of self-loathing, as would the knowledge that he may lose control of his bladder and bowels. She would allow him to process this information before she went into more detail. Susannah noticed Todd did not bring up the subject of medication. Neither did she. It may have been an oversight on his part, however she realized it also might be that, unconsciously, he understood the need for medication. His fears about taking it might be keeping him from wanting to know he was receiving it. "Do you agree to tell someone if you feel anything like the things I mentioned or anything that feels different in any way?" Susannah pushed.

Todd shrugged. "Yeah. I guess so. What are you gonna do . . . lock me in a hospital!"

They smiled. They were surprised that Todd was able to see the irony in the situation. Sam put his arm around Todd's shoulders and hugged him. They were all so proud of him.

Looking almost afraid to ask, Todd spoke up timidly. "Are seizures painful?" They noticed Todd asked many of the same questions Tom had, only in a different way.

"No. The kind of seizure you have is not painful. Once the actual seizure starts you will become unconscious. When you wake up you may feel like you did this time . . . kind of sleepy and a little confused. You may have a headache and your muscles may be a little sore."

Todd shrugged. Once again, they realized that, for the most part, he always felt that way, only to a lesser degree. "Am I ever gonna be able to do things like everyone else?"

They could tell Todd was still frightened. Susannah knew that was to be expected. It takes time for a diagnosis like this to sink in. "Yes. Epileptics can do almost everything anyone else can do. In Pennsylvania, you won't be able to drive until you are seizure free for at least six months. You have to make sure you never go swimming alone, and you always have to leave the door unlocked when you take a bath or shower. It would be a good idea to let someone know when you are going to take a shower or a bath. You can still play sports and do whatever physical activities you liked to do before."

"If I ever get out of this loony bin," Todd muttered.

"You'll get out, honey," Susannah patted his arm reassuringly.

"Yeah, sure," Todd answered hopelessly. Sam held him a little tighter. Suddenly, Todd looked panicked. "Can Shorty catch this from me?"

"No! Absolutely not!" Susannah wanted to make this very clear to him. "Epilepsy is not contagious and in this case not hereditary. Yours was caused by an injury. Starr is fine. She is in no danger from your being an epileptic."

Todd was taken back by the last two words Susannah spoke. It was the first time he realized that now he was an epileptic. He started to feel extremely anxious. Todd hung his head. "My dad would be ashamed of me. He would be embarrassed to tell his friends he had a son who had fits," Todd whispered. A tear rolled down his cheek.

Viki lowered the side rail on the other side and sat down next to him. She cupped his cheek in her palm and turned his face toward her. She wished he could see her. "Sweetheart, do you remember when Starr was so weak she couldn't play like the other children? She had to have all kinds of special cleaning done around her. She needed all kinds of special medicine." Some more tears escaped Todd's eyes. He nodded. Viki continued. "Were you ever ashamed of her or embarrassed to tell anyone she was your daughter?"

"No! It made me love Shorty even more. I was so proud of her for being so brave and getting through being sick like that."

"Todd, don't you see? That is how a good and loving parent is supposed to feel. If your father would have felt embarrassed because you have a medical condition than he was the bad one. He was the one who was wrong to feel that way. Oh, sweetheart. You are so smart and good and so lovable. He never appreciated you. He should have cherished you. If I had been allowed to raise you I would have."

"So would I, Boomer. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I were your dad, from the start."

Viki was surprised when Todd suddenly pulled away from her. "It is a good thing I'm already in a hospital because I am going to be sick! Don't you ever get tired of lying to him . . . to all of them?" They recognized Saber's voice. Hearing the affirmation of himself that he longed for was terrifying to Todd, as was the hope it made him feel. He went away so quickly he didn't even feel it. Inside, Saber was furious that Viki and Sam would tell that worthless bastard lies to make him feel better about himself. "Viki, you and that dimwitted bimbo who also calls herself Todd's sister better get used to not having a brother."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Viki nearly shouted at him.

Saber smiled. He enjoyed watching her lose her cool. "You can take it to mean anything you like."

"Saber, are you threatening Todd in some way?" Susannah pressed.

"Me, threaten anyone?" His smile was chilling. Then his face became deadly serious. "I don't threaten, Doctor, I promise."

"Are you planning to hurt Todd in some way?" Sam asked through clenched teeth.

"Do you mean lovable, smart, good little Todd?" Saber burst out laughing. "You should try it sometimes. It is marvelous sport. I especially like when his head hurts and he begs for it to stop . . . or the time he woke up and found out that Rocky had sliced him up. Now there's a kid I can relate to. You're trying to turn Rocky into your vision of the good Todd too, aren't you?"

"We are trying to help Rocky. He is very confused about a lot of things. His father gave him some terrible messages." Susannah could see her words were making Saber furious. Yet, he stayed calm. He stayed frighteningly calm.

"You keep that psycho unit Todd and those brats are usually on very safe don't you? Locked doors . . . windows with unbreakable glass . . . no sharp objects allowed . . . watching and counting everything they touch . . . never leaving them alone for a second. That's very good, very clever. Just one thing you haven't taken into account." Saber paused for a second to enjoy the moment. He then continued. "I'm more clever. True, you are not making it easy, but I love a challenge. I'll find a way, and when I do, Todd will no longer be a problem to any of you."

"Saber. I know you say you don't believe it, but if you are as clever as you say you are, you realize that if Todd dies, so do you. So does Rocky. You all die with Todd."

Saber smiled again. "Do you think I really care what happens to Rocky? He is just an amusement. Even I get bored every now and then."

"YOU COLD HEARTED SON OF A BITCH! ROCKY LOVES YOU. HE THINKS OF YOU AS A FATHER. YOU COULD JUST STAND BY AND LET HIM DIE!" Sam yelled. Then he caught himself. He realized what he was doing. Saber had, so much, reminded Sam of Peter at that moment that he lost it. "Oh my God! Todd, I'm sorry. I . . ."

Saber burst out laughing. "Sam, you are priceless. Oh, we have to be soooo careful around poor crazy Todd don't we. We can't yell at him or hurt his delicate little feelings. Noooo, we have to humor him and treat him like a two year old," Saber mocked. "Don't worry, Sam. It is not your precious Todd you are pissed off at."

Susannah and Viki could see that Sam was left feeling confused by his feelings. "Saber," Susannah began, "look down at your body. What do you see?"

Saber made a great show of holding out Todd's thin arms and legs. "And your point, Doctor Hanen?"

"You are in Todd's body. If that body is destroyed, that is it for all of you. Your brain, the organ that makes you think you are a separate entity, needs a cranium to be in. You need Todd's heart to beat for you to live, Saber." Susannah could see she amused him.

"While I do thank you for the anatomy lesson, I think when the time comes, you will see that you do not know as much as you think you do."

"Saber, I understand that you want your freedom and you would like to be able take your body where you want it go. I do understand," Viki tried to reason with him.

"There you go. You see you are confusing me with Pete. Pete doesn't really want Todd to die. He just wants to be free. He claims he wouldn't care if Todd died in the process, but I'm afraid he would. He is still under the misconception that he has to help Todd. If Todd did die, Pete would not take pleasure in it. Now I, dear Viki, will take immense pleasure in watching Todd suffer and then die. It is something I have looked forward to for many years. The more Todd wants to die, the easier he makes it for me." Saber burst out laughing again. "Come on Sam. Do you wanna hit me? Do you want to do to me what you were too cowardly to do to Peter all those years ago?" They could see Sam clench his jaw and his fists. Saber's words cut like a knife. "Admit it Sam. Deep in that kindly heart of yours you believed Todd deserved everything he got or you would have done something to stop it." Saber looked around. "So, he has fits now. He certainly gives me an endless supply of ammunition doesn't he? I'm the one you should all feel sorry for. Do you now how long it's been since I've had a cigarette?" His mouth curled up in a smile.

"IT'S SO LOUD! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OHHHH, MAKE IT STOOOOP! I'M NOT REAL. I WANNA BE REAL AGAIN. MAKE IT STOP. IT HURTS!" Todd shrieked in agony. He held his head.

"Todd. Todd! Shhhh. It's Doctor Hanen. You're very real. I want you to feel your body and the bed." Todd couldn't move. His fear rendered him immobile. Susannah took his hands and rubbed them on his face and then his arms and the bed.

Everything felt foreign to him. "That's not my body. It's not. They stole it. Where's Starr? Did they get to Starr?" Todd cried quietly to himself.

"Starr is fine. Blair is taking very good care of her," Susannah assured him.

"Viki, Sam," Todd wept. "Why'd you let them take my body? This isn't my body. I'm lost. I don't know how to find me." Todd started to shriek again. "I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE WOODS ANYMORE! IT'S TOO DARK AND COLD! I'M AFRAID. MAMA! I'M AFRAID!" Todd reached out. When he felt Viki's hand he pulled his own back sharply. "TAKE IT AWAY! TAKE IT AWAY!" Todd screamed and started to whisper to himself again. "They took them. They took Viki and Sam. They took Starr. They took my body." Todd got on his knees and tried to crawl off the bed. Most of the leads to the cardiac monitor pulled away and the machine's alarm sounded. Todd stopped. He threw back his head and held on to it. It felt as if it would explode. "MAKE IT QUIEEEEET! PLEASE! OH GOD! MAKE IT QUIET. IT HURTS SO MUCH!"

"Saber, stop it!" Viki begged. Susannah put her hand on Viki's arm and shook her head. She knew that was just the reaction Saber wanted. Susannah hated to, but she ordered a sedative. Without the neuroleptic, Todd was starting to experience the same pattern of Saber coming out and then going into a psychotic episode; only now it could trigger a seizure.

A nurse injected a strong sedative into the IV line. Within moments Todd's screams faded to whimpers. His muscles relaxed. They held him so he wouldn't topple over. They laid him down on the bed. He whispered "Viki," and tried to reach out. His hand fell back down.

Viki lifted it to her and held it. "I'm right here, baby. Shhhh. It's okay." Viki kissed the back of the hand she held. Todd's eyes closed and he was asleep. They turned him on his side and covered him. Viki asked for an extra blanket and covered him with it. They took his vitals. He remained stable.

"Let's go outside and talk," Susannah suggested.

*****

They sat in the waiting area outside the ICU. "He should be out for a few hours. He probably won't be fully awake until he's back in his own room," Susannah began.

"So you're still planning on taking him back to the psychiatric unit?" Viki asked weakly.

"Yes. Physically, he's stable. Doctors Anderson and Williams will check him one more time before he leaves the ICU. One more ECG will be done and if everything checks out, and I'm sure it will, we'll take him back to seven."

Sam and Viki were relieved to hear that. They were still very concerned. "Susannah, what happened? He was doing so well. I can't believe he was able to discuss his condition the way he did. He escalated so quickly. He hasn't had a full blown episode like that in a while." The desperation in Viki's voice was apparent.

"Todd was able to do a wonderful job in taking about the epilepsy. I think he became overwhelmed and then extremely anxious. I also think he panicked when he started to believe what you and Sam said about how much you love him and how you wanted to be his parents. Hope is terrifying to Todd. He feels it only sets him up for pain and disappointment, because, in the past, it almost always did," Susannah explained.

"I really lost it in there with Saber. Damn it! He really pushes all my buttons." Sam was furious with himself.

"Sam, that was what he intended to do," Susannah pointed out.

"Do you really think he could make good on his threats?" Sam knew that Saber was deadly serious.

"I think he may try, if for no other reason then to show us that we are not in control, he is. It is always a problem when you have an alter who is working against the system and truly believes that they can survive if the host dies. In Todd's case he has at least two alters, that we know of, who feel this way."

"So what do you do, just let him try to kill Todd?" Sam was incensed.

"No, of course not. Todd is still on high suicide precautions. He is on one-to-one monitoring. He is always in arm's length of a staff member. He's on a sharps ban. Everything he touches or comes into contact with, even the children's toys, are checked for anything or any shape that can be used as a weapon. I can't swear to you that there is absolutely no way that Saber can harm the body. I can promise you everything humanly possible is being done to protect Todd and all the alters. I am taking Saber's threats very seriously."

Susannah's words did little to comfort Sam and Viki. However, they realized that was all that could be done. There was something else she needed to speak with them about. Todd had been on the NG tube for over six weeks and showed no signs of either he or the alters being willing or able to eat enough to sustain them, without being force fed at every meal. Susannah would not do that because of the danger of choking and the additional trauma it would cause to Todd. It was inadvisable for the tube to stay in much past thirty days. Susannah had already pushed the limit and given it some extra time in the hopes that the situation would change. Since Todd still needed the bulk of his nutrition fed through a tube, he would need one placed directly into his stomach. To do that would require minor surgery and, in his case, heavy sedation. It was not a dangerous procedure; nevertheless Susannah decided to hold off a little longer before adding this to Viki and Sam's worries. Susannah was just about to suggest that Sam and Viki take some time away from the hospital, since Todd would be asleep for several hours, when they saw Kevin coming down the hallway. Susannah had planned on calling him and asking him to come to her office, so she was happy to see him. She knew she needed to talk to him alone.

As soon as Kevin saw his mother's face he knew something was wrong. "Has something else happened?" Kevin inquired anxiously.

"Todd had another seizure last night and . . ."

"Why didn't you call me?" Kevin cut her off. He was feeling guilty. He knew he was probably in the park with Téa while Todd was in trouble. "Did he go into status epilepticus again?" Kevin was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"No." Viki shook her head. "It was a single seizure. He had a nightmare that may have triggered it. Physically, he's all right now. In fact he was willing to hear about the epilepsy and promised to let us know if he felt a seizure coming on."

"Really! That's great!" Kevin was pleasantly surprised.

"Yes, but then Saber came out to threaten Todd. When he went back in and Todd out. Saber caused him to have excruciating pain in his head. Todd went into a psychotic episode." Viki filled him in.

"Oh damn! Like before . . . like the others?"

"Yes. Susannah sedated him. He'll be sleeping for a while."

Kevin shook his head in frustration. He felt horrible for Todd and for his mother and Sam. "Mom, I hate to tell you this now." Kevin sighed. "There's some trouble at the paper. The delivery union is threatening to walk. Their contract expires at midnight and the negotiations fell apart."

"Kevin! I thought you could handle this!" Viki said sharply. Then she gasped. She brought her hand to her mouth. Viki could see by the look on Kevin's face that his feelings had been hurt. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry." Viki walked up to him. "Kevin look at me, please."

Kevin looked at his mother. "I don't mean to disappoint you, Mom."

"Kevin, do you have any idea how proud of you I am? I just wrote to your dad the other day and told him what an incredible job you are doing at the Banner. I've placed an unfair burden on you and I know it. Sweetheart, I don't know what I would do without you. I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings."

Kevin hugged Viki tightly. "I know how upset you are by everything. I know you and Dad are proud of me. I'm not Todd. You don't have to constantly reassure me." Kevin paused. "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that as a dig at Todd. I mean that you and Dad always made me feel good about myself. You didn't make me feel I was garbage, without the right to live, like the way Peter made Todd feel."

Susannah could see they were all in trouble. The stress that had pulled them all together was now pulling them apart. Not only were they all deeply frightened for Todd, but also his illness had caused issues that had been buried to rise to the surface for each of them. It was happening to Téa and Blair as well. They needed help and needed it now.

"Viki, I have a suggestion. Todd is going to be asleep for at least three or four hours. Why don't you go down to the Banner yourself," Susannah proposed. "Sam, I think it would be a good idea if you went to your office or took care of some personal things. I think you both need some time away from here. I have both your cell phone numbers. I will be here. Both Doctors Anderson and Williams are in the hospital. Physically, Todd is fine. Once he's back on meds I fully believe things will improve."

Kevin could see his mom and Sam were both hesitant. "Come on, Mom. I honestly think your presence will make a difference. A lot of those guys were there since before I was born and they still think of me as a kid who's wet behind the ears."

Before Viki had a chance to ask, Susannah assured her. "I promise, if there's any problem or if Todd needs either of you I will call, even if it means interrupting a meeting or whatever you'll be doing."

"I guess I should pop into the office and see how Josh Held is doing. He's been great about not calling me unless he runs into some serious problems. I know he would really like my input in a couple of cases. I also need to try to call Lindsay. She's trying to bleed me dry and use the kids as an excuse to do it," Sam admitted.

Viki was shocked. She had no idea Sam was having problems with his ex-wife. He never complained.

Susannah knew she needed to encourage them to start taking their lives back, to some extent. She also knew that it would be falling on deaf ears, for the time being. Todd's dependency needs were overwhelming. Susannah was afraid that even the most loving parents could eventually become resentful of sacrificing their entire lives. So far, Sam and Viki had amazingly shown no signs of this. To the contrary, they were filled with anxiety when not physically with Todd. Their fear of losing him was overpowering. Susannah had seen it often when she was an intern and did her pediatric rotation. When a child was desperately ill, many times, parents could only find some peace when they were able to see their child and watch him or her breath and assure themselves that he or she was alive. Unfortunately, this often led to stifling overprotection of the child when he or she became well. Susannah knew the day would come when she would have to start "weaning" Sam, Viki and Todd of their dependence on each other.

Finally, Sam announced, "I guess I'm outta here for a while."

"I want to take one more quick look at Todd and then I'll head to the paper," Viki declared.

Kevin was about to follow his mother into Todd's room when he felt Susannah's hand on his arm. "Kevin, I need to speak with you. Can you meet with me after your mother leaves for the paper?"

"Sure, is there a problem?" Kevin felt his anxiety rise.

"Probably not. Don't worry. Let's just talk for a while, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll head for your office as soon as Mom leaves." Susannah did not ask Kevin to keep their meeting secret from Viki. Still, his instincts told him not to say anything.

*****

Todd was sleeping on his side, as they had left him. Although his sleep was deep, he looked like he was in pain. Even the sedation could not completely ease his suffering. Viki pulled the covers up a little higher. The leads to monitor had been replaced and it's beeps were regular.

"He's fine, Mrs. Carpenter," a nurse commented reassuringly.

"I'll be going out for a while. Doctor Hanen has my cell phone number, but let me give it to you too," Viki offered.

"We already have it. You gave it to us when Todd was brought in here," the nurse gently reminded Viki.

"Yes, of course I did. I'm sorry." Viki was embarrassed.

"No, problem. It is always best to ask." The nurse patted Viki's arm and went to check on another patient.

*****

"Honey, are you coming?" Viki asked Kevin when she returned to the waiting area.

"Mom, to be honest, they are sick to death of having to deal with me. I think it would be best if you handled this without me. I want to ask Susannah a few questions about epilepsy anyway."

Viki stroked Kevin's cheek. "I really am very proud of you. Not just for the way you are handling the paper, but also for the way you are handling your relationship with Todd. I know it hasn't been easy for you."

"Mom, I love Timmy as if he were my son . . . Hell, I never even see Duke. I'm closer by far to Timmy than I am to my own child," Kevin shamefully admitted.

"Sweetheart, that's not entirely your fault. Lee Ann doesn't make it easy for you."

"Don't make excuses for me, Mom. When it comes to Duke, I'm a failure as a father. Maybe I can do better by Timmy and some of the others. Who knows? Maybe I can even get Tom to come around if I ever figure out what I did to him."

*****

"Would you like some coffee?" Susannah offered, as Kevin sat in one of the club chairs in the center of the room.

"Yes, thanks. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" Susannah asked.

"Some, but that was not why I didn't sleep last night. I had dinner with. . . ." Kevin was going to say "a friend." He caught himself and thought, I did nothing wrong by giving Téa a break from her worries. She's one of the few people who understand what I'm going through. We both had to eat. "Actually, I had dinner with Téa and afterward I took her back to Angel Square, to get her car. Then I pulled an all nighter trying to negotiate this damn contract."

Susannah noticed Kevin's hesitance in saying it was Téa he had dinner with. She did not want to put him on the defensive. If he had feelings for Téa, he needed to talk about them. "It's important to have people of your own age to talk to sometime," Susannah commented.

"Yeah, well I have my brother, but he's in California with Kelly Cramer. She wanted to be with her mom for a while and Joey didn't want her to have to be alone. He knows Mom has Sam and me and Kelly didn't want Dorian to go with her so . . . Joey to the rescue."

"Are you and your brother close?" Susannah inquired.

"Most of the time. We all are . . . me . . . Joey . . . Jess. Sometimes we go for a while without seeing each other. We still know we can depend on each other if the going gets tough and we can all depend on Mom and Dad, not to mention Grandpa and Renee." Kevin hung his head slightly. "Kinda makes me count my blessings. That's something Todd never had growing up. He never had anyone who was there for him."

Susannah hoped she recognized an opening. "Does that make you feel guilty?"

Kevin looked perplexed. "Does what make me feel guilty?"

"That you always had loving parents and a brother and sister and grandparents you could depend on while Todd had no one."

"It wasn't my fault Todd had no one." Kevin's tone had touches of anger in it.

"No, of course it wasn't. I wasn't suggesting it was. Sometimes people feel guilty when they have so much and someone else has so little, especially if it is someone we care about."

Kevin chuckled to himself. "If you had said that six months ago I would have thought your were crazy. Me, care about Todd Manning? No way in Hell."

"But you do care about him now? I mean about Todd himself, not just Timmy and the other children?" Susannah posed. Susannah was happy to see that Kevin did not answer quickly. He took a few seconds to think about it.

"Yes, I do care about Todd. I think he got a raw deal in life and it was my grandfather who gave it to him, my grandfather and Peter Manning. Man, do I wish I could get my hands on those bastards for just a few minutes."

"You feel a lot of anger directed at Peter and your grandfather," Susannah restated.

"Hatred is more like it. You know I used to think I hated Todd. Well . . . all right . . . I did hate Todd. But the way I hate Peter and Grandpa Victor, man, what I felt for Todd is nothing compared to that. How could they do that to a child! How could my grandfather have done what he did to my mom? How could he have given away his own flesh and blood to someone he knew was a monster? How, in God's name, could Peter have done to his wife and child what he did? What happens inside a man to make him like that? Were they born like that? Was it that cycle of abuse you talk about? How could it be? Todd never abuses Starr. I don't think he ever would."

Susannah took a deep breath. She didn't want to push Kevin so far that he would shut down. "Kevin, a while back we spoke about your own fears of you turning out like Victor or Peter. Is that something that still concerns you?"

Kevin was quiet for a moment. Susannah saw fear in his eyes, then anger. "I'm nothing like my grandfather and I'm sure as Hell not like Peter Manning."

"No, you're not. I was asking if you sometimes were afraid you were," Susannah clarified.

"Susannah, I love Timmy. I look at him and all this love comes pouring out of me. I don't know where it's coming from. I would die for that kid. All I want is to save him from being hurt. I want to help him and give him some happiness in this stinking world. When I say or do something that makes him laugh or forget his misery, even for a few minutes, it feels like nothing I've ever known before. It is this amazing high. My heart goes out to all the children. I wish I could take all their pain away."

"Timmy loves you very much. I think it would be fair to say he idolizes you. Your presence in his life is very important to his healing," Susannah pointed out.

Kevin smiled. "Timmy is such a great kid. I am so proud of him. He's smart, and talented and funny. I honestly enjoy spending time with him."

"I'm sure Timmy senses that. It is probably why he responds to you the way he does. Have you always been that good with kids?"

"I like kids, but I was never one to really dote on them. Todd's the one . . . isn't it ironic? Todd is so great with kids. Sometimes I find myself thinking that Todd would be great with Timmy. Then I realize what I'm thinking."

"Having relationships with the alters of someone who has DID can be very confusing," Susannah acknowledged. Cautiously, she added, "It's very natural to feel different ways about each of them, just as we do not feel the same way about every person we meet. For instance, you can love Timmy and still have some feelings of anger or resentment or even hatred for Todd."

"What the Hell kind of a person would that make me?" Kevin was obviously angered by Susannah's statement.

"A very human one," Susannah responded.

"No! It would make me a monster. Here I am with this safe and secure life and all these people who have always been there for me, feeling hatred and jealousy toward someone who was tortured every day of his life . . . someone who had absolutely no one except some made up parents inside his own head."

"I never mentioned jealousy," Susannah pointed out. "Do you sometimes feel jealousy toward Todd?"

"Oh sure! I'm jealous that he was never allowed to be a part of our family. I'm jealous that got to be beaten, burned and sexually abused almost every damn day of his life. I'm jealous that he's so severely damaged that he's splintered into . . . what is it now . . . twenty-eight . . . thirty different people. I'm jealous that he is so sick that you can't say for sure if he will ever be whole. You can't even say for sure that he won't die because of all the things that are wrong with him. I'm jealous because my mom loves him more than any of us. I'm jealous that he can't ever have a good relationship with anyone. I'm . . ." Kevin's voice trailed off.

"Do you feel your mother loves Todd more than she does you?" Susannah asked.

Tears welled up in Kevin's eyes. "Todd can use all the love he can get."

"Kevin," Susannah began gently. "That's not what I asked. Yes. Todd needs a tremendous amount of love and support. That doesn't negate the fact that you also need your mother's love and attention."

"I'm an adult, Susannah. In most ways Todd is not. He never was."

"Even adults need their parents' love and approval sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you feel that most of your mother's love goes to Todd because of his illness?"

"It isn't just his illness." Kevin's statement surprised him.

"Can you be more specific?" Susannah pressed. Kevin hated what he was feeling. He did not want to validate his thoughts by saying them out loud. "Kevin, do you feel your mother has always been partial to Todd?"

After a long pause, Kevin finally said, "She has. Now I understand why. I didn't before. It's as simple as that."

"No, Kevin. It's not simple. The dynamics of your family's relationships are not simple by any means. It must be very painful to feel that your mother loves her brother more than she does you."

"I'm use to it. Okay, look, I used to resent Todd because of how Mom felt about him, but not anymore. I'm over it. It would be like resenting a deer you ran over for putting a dent in your car."

"All right, so now you understand everything. How did you used to feel?" Susannah pushed.

Kevin was very uncomfortable. He was getting a glimpse into the suffering that therapy caused his mom and Todd. "Okay, you really wanna know. Almost from the day my mom found out Todd was her brother, he came first. He came before all of us. She never would have put up with the kind of things Todd pulled from us. She forgave him for every hideous thing he ever did. She was the first to run to help him when he was in trouble, which was like every other day. She was like this mother lion protecting her young even if we, her family, were whom she was protecting him from. Do you know she hid him in the attic when he first came back from Ireland? She protected him even after she knew he kidnapped his own kid. She knew he was responsible for Patrick Thornheart dying and she protected him. She knew he blew up Guy Armitage and she protected him. He took her hostage and held a knife to her throat and still she protected him."

Kevin took a deep breath. The floodgates had been open and there was no holding it back now. "Do you know that I held a gun on Todd? Yeah, I did. Right after we discovered he was holding us hostage with toilet paper rolls wrapped around him. I took him into the woods and held a gun to his head. He begged me to shoot him. My mom came running toward us to protect him. She begged for his life. I sometimes wonder if one of us had to die that night who she would have picked?" Kevin stopped talking. He looked horrified by everything he had just said. "Oh God! I didn't mean it. I swear I don't still hate Todd. Oh God! He's so sick and weak and pitiful. He's so hurt. How can I still . . ." Kevin ran his fingers through his hair. "What the Hell is wrong with me? Look at him! How can I be jealous of him? How can I resent what little love he has in his life? Damn it! What kind of person am I?"

Susannah knew Kevin needed to talk this through. She didn't know how far he was willing to go. "Kevin, first of all, you have every right to your feelings. It is how you act on them that count. Secondly, just because someone is ill, it doesn't mean that all is suddenly forgiven and the conflicts we've had with him or her vanish. I can see how hard you are trying to suppress any feelings of hostility you still have for Todd. It doesn't work that way. Those feelings are still there. You need to talk about them. You don't have to talk to me about them. Kevin, you need to talk to someone, for Todd's sake as well as yours."

"Todd's sake! He doesn't even know I've ever been to visit him. If he did he'd freak out all over the place," Kevin stated harshly.

"Does it bother you that Todd is unaware of the important role you are playing in his life?"

"No! . . . Well . . . maybe . . . a little. Not that I want thanks or anything like that. It's . . . it's without Todd knowing I've been around . . . it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. What if he doesn't want me to be around Timmy anymore or even around the hospital? You know if he doesn't, Mom will tell me to stay away." Kevin looked embarrassed. "I sound like a spoiled brat, don't I? 'My mom likes Todd best,'" Kevin mocked himself.

"You sound like you have a great many conflicting feelings when it comes to Todd. The two of you have had a very complicated and adversarial relationship over the years. You can't expect all those feeling to simply go away. Let me ask you something, if your mom does show favoritism to Todd, in some ways, who are you angry with, Todd or your mom?"

"Todd!" Kevin answered quickly and firmly.

"Has Todd asked your mother to feel that way?" Susannah explored.

"He doesn't have to. His actions do. He's always in trouble. He was always needy, even before he became this sick. It isn't just my mom. It's Blair and Téa. Way back it was a girl named Rebecca. Even Marty wanted to help him. Every woman in his life wants to take care of him and protect him from the world. Man, for a guy who hasn't a clue as to how to treat a woman or have a relationship with one, he certainly has them wrapped around his finger. Shit," Kevin murmured to himself. "Susannah, I'm sorry. God, I just can't stand me sometimes. Maybe that's what comes from having too much in life. You lose compassion for those who don't."

"Do you feel that you've ever had anyone in you life who was as devoted to you as the people in Todd's life seem to be to him?" Susannah asked.

"Yeah . . . sure . . . everyone . . . Mom . . . Dad . . . well maybe not the same way Mom and Sam are devoted to Todd. I mean Mom would never let me get away with doing any of the crap Todd has done. Dad either. They kind of saw me as their 'golden boy,' who could do no wrong and boy were they disappointed to find out that they were sadly mistaken."

Kevin had even more unresolved issues with his parents and Todd than Susannah had thought.

"So, you think your mom expects more from you than she does from Todd?" Susannah restated.

"Are you kidding?" Kevin exclaimed. He shifted in his chair and crossed his legs. "Even before we knew how sick he was, if Todd did something good or decent Mom acted like he could walk on water. Me, if I screwed up she never let me forget it. Every time I think she's proud of me something happens to mess it up, like this morning. I couldn't handle the union. You saw the look on her face. She was disappointed in me. Now, because of my incompetence, she has to go down there. You know the whole time she's there she'll be scared to death that something is going wrong with Todd."

Susannah saw tears form in Kevin's eyes. As one of them rolled down his cheek, Susannah gently asked. "What is it Kevin? Do you want to talk about it?"

Kevin could not look her in the eye. "Nothing. It's nothing."

"You don't have to tell me, but I don't think it's nothing," Susannah responded.

Finally, Kevin looked at her. "You know, Todd may be right. Maybe he has hated me with good reason all this time."

"Why do you think he has good reason?" Susannah pressed.

"Maybe I am just as much a sadistic son of a bitch as his father was."

"In what way?" Susannah inquired gently. She felt so much compassion for Kevin. He didn't answer. "Kevin, have you always been this hard on yourself? You don't deserve it you know."

Kevin looked Susannah directly in the eye. "If you knew what I was thinking you wouldn't be saying that."

"Wanna try me? Nothing you tell me leaves this room. You do understand that?" Susannah assured him.

"What am I, your patient now?"

"In a situation like this, every member of the family suffers. Yes, my first responsibility is always to Todd, but I am here for all of you," Susannah explained.

"Would you still think I am being hard on myself if I tell you I sometimes think Todd is ruining everyone's life . . . my mom . . . Sam . . . Blair . . . Téa . . . even little Starr. Would you think I'm too hard on myself if I tell you that sometimes I think things would have been better if that poor, sick, tortured, train wreck in that ICU bed would have died?"

Kevin placed his face in his hands and started to cry. "And if he had died, he would have taken Timmy, my Timmy, and all those sweet hurt children with him. My God! What kind of monster am I? Todd was always afraid he inherited bad genes from both his fathers. What about me? Do you have any idea how much thinking those thoughts makes me hate myself? I just hate myself," Kevin sobbed.

Susannah gave him a couple of minutes to control himself. Then she sat next to him and patted his back. "If I tell you that, given the circumstances, it is normal to feel resentful toward Todd and even to think that things might be better if he had died, would you believe me?"

Kevin wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his hand and ran the fingers of both hands through his hair. He took a long deep breath through his nose and shook his head to clear it. "Yes, I believe that people can feel that way, and no, I don't think it's normal. I think it stinks. I think it is horrible and selfish. I know Todd doesn't choose to be this way. I know that he would give anything to be well and able to function and not be dependent on all of us the way he is. I know there is still a part of him in there, somewhere, that just cringes every time he needs Mom and Sam as much as an infant needs a parent. I realize he feels he has lost every shred of dignity. He dies inside every time he thinks of any of us seeing him the way he is, especially Téa. It kills him to have her see him the way he is and it kills her to see him that way."

The words kept pouring out of Kevin. He couldn't stop now if he wanted to. "Oh God! I'm so mixed up about this. Susannah, I swear to you. I don't hate Todd. I don't really want him dead. My heart breaks for what he's been through and I admire his courage and ability to survive things no one else could have. I know I couldn't have." Kevin rolled up his sleeves to expose some scaring on both his forearms.

"Do you see these? I was caught in a bad fire in Canton Ohio back a couple of years ago. You don't know what pain is until you've been burned. I was in agony. I was helpless. I couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't feed myself or even pee by myself. For weeks the only peace I knew was the painkillers. Do you, for one moment, think everything I went through with those burns even comes close to the pain Todd has gone through? Even though sometimes it felt like the pain wouldn't end, I knew it would. It never did for Todd. The pain started the day Irene and Grandfather handed him over to Peter and it hasn't stopped yet, and it probably never will . . . yet, he survives. He loves his daughter. In his own way he loves my mom and Sam, maybe even Téa and Blair. Do you know what Todd reminds me of? One time I was covering a story in this really bad neighborhood in Philly. I mean bad . . . deserted lots that used to be buildings . . . homes that are now crack dens . . . projects where kids get shot while sleeping in their beds at night. The streets are filthy, strewn with garbage. I was walking down one of those streets and in the middle of all that misery this little flower was growing out of a crack in the sidewalk. I don't know how it managed to survive, but it did."

Susannah patted Kevin's hand. "Being a burn survivor is no small feat itself. I think you probably have a little of that flower in you too."

"I don't know that I really did survive. There's been this big hole inside me ever since that fire. Everything is out of whack since then. I've said and done things that make me wonder if the real Kevin didn't die in that fire. I've really messed up everything I've touched since then . . . Cassie's life . . . my life . . . little River."

Susannah was glad that Kevin brought up his relationship with Cassie. "Do you blame yourself for the problems you and Cassie are having?"

Kevin smiled miserably. "Don't you know? I blamed Todd for that. Yeah. Oh, it wasn't my fault. He's the one. He locked Barbara and me in that wine cellar. Oh yeah. I'm the one who screwed her, but it was all Todd's fault. My family and I were trying to pin a murder he didn't do on him . . . a murder that was so similar to the one he was forced to watch, as a fourteen year old child who'd been beaten and raped himself that night, that it caused him to lose what precious small hold he had on reality . . . but hey, it was still all Todd's fault. It was Todd's fault when he felt so trapped and terrified that it took away what little ability he had to think straight and he felt that the only way anyone would believe he didn't do it was to find the killer himself. It was his fault because he knew I was so weak that I would end up cheating on my wife, with Barbara . . . and he did you know. He somehow knew I was attracted to her even before I did." Kevin was rambling. "That sadistic side of him knew what would happen. It was all his fault because I was as weak as he knew I would be."

Susannah said nothing. She let Kevin continue. She realized that these thoughts had been preying on Kevin's mind for a very long time.

"And I was. I was just as weak as Todd knew I would be. It didn't take long before I was all over Barbara. I got Cassie to leave her husband and child for me and then I threw it all away in just a few minutes. I blamed Todd. I blamed him for taking Cassie from me. Even after she forgave me, things were never the same between us. Never! I contributed to the desperation that drove him to take us hostage. I cheated on the woman I loved, but it was all Todd's fault, never mine. Never the golden boy."

Kevin stood up and walked toward the window.

"Do you still feel that Todd took something precious away from you?" Susannah asked.

"I don't want to. I know that he didn't take it. I threw it away," Kevin responded.

"Intellectually you know that. How do you feel?" Susannah continued pressing.

Kevin hung his head in shame. "Yes, sometimes I still find myself feeling that everything is all Todd's fault."

"Do you feel like you would like to take something precious away from him?" Susannah asked cautiously.

"If you mean do I still want to try to convince my mother that Todd is a lost cause and she is foolish for loving him, no. Susannah, I swear. I may be a selfish, self-centered prick in a lot of ways. I may even still feel jealousy over Mom's love for Todd, but I want him to have my mother in his life. I want him to know the kind of love she has for him."

Susannah paused for a moment. She took deep breath. "Actually, I was referring to Téa."

"Téa! What the Hell is that supposed to mean?" Kevin was incensed.

"Kevin, do you have feelings for Téa?" Susannah asked straight out.

"Of course I have feelings for Téa. I admire her. I have compassion for her suffering. I think she may be setting herself up for a disappointment."

"Why is that?" Susannah posed.

"Oh come on, Susannah. Do you really believe that Todd will be able to be to her the kind of husband she deserves . . . the kind of husband she dreams about?"

"As far as I know Téa believes that. All of Téa's dreams are for a life with Todd," Susannah stated.

"What exactly would that be? Would it also be a life of being a mother to the children and a life of being in fear of Pete and Saber and who knows who else?" Kevin pointed out.

"I think Téa is aware that Todd may have some serious problems for a very long time. She also has plenty of reason to hope."

Kevin turned around and faced Susannah. "I never said she didn't. Don't you think I know how much she loves Todd? He's all she ever talks about or thinks about or dreams about!"

Susannah could tell from the anger in Kevin's voice that she hit a nerve. "Téa is Todd's wife. As you said, she loves him. It isn't surprising that he would constantly be on her mind. Kevin, is Téa on your mind very often?"

Kevin stared at Susannah for a few seconds. He began to nod his head. "I get it. You think I wanna take Téa away from Todd to get back at him for Cassie and my mom and everything else. Jesus, Susannah. You really have a high opinion of me, don't you!" Kevin was not only angry he was also hurt.

"I am not saying you're doing anything deliberately. I'm not even saying that's what you're doing. I'm asking if you think you are," Susannah stated for clarity.

"No! I am not trying to take away what little Todd has. I like Téa's company. Is that a crime!"

"No, of course not. I'm sure Téa likes being with you too, but if you are feeling more than friendship for her you need to face it, because it can cause serious problems for Todd and Téa and for you, Kevin. I care about what happens to you too."

Kevin was furious. "I think you'd better save your concern and your psychiatric skills for Todd. I have no problems when it comes to Téa. She's Todd's wife. She loves Todd. She will wait the rest of her life for Todd, if she has to. I am perfectly clear on all of that. I had my chance with Téa once. I was not very nice to her. I feel bad about that."

Susannah was not aware of Kevin once having a relationship with Téa. "Were you and Téa serious at one point?"

"No. We did sleep together. I was using her because I thought Cassie was going to stay with Andrew. I'm just a wonderful guy, huh?"

"Téa seems to have forgiven you," Susannah acknowledged.

"That's because you have to love someone before they can really hurt you. Téa never loved me. Téa never loved anyone else from the moment she became involved with Todd. She thinks it took a while, but I could see it in her eyes from the beginning."

"Do you wish Téa still had feelings for you?" Susannah asked bluntly.

Kevin didn't answer. Instead he asked, "Why are you asking me all these questions about Téa? Did she say something to you?" Kevin was wondering if finding herself waking up while kissing him got to her in some way.

"No, Téa has never said a word to me about you."

"Has Todd?" Kevin looked at Susannah quizzically. He knew how unlikely it was that, in his present condition, Todd would have brought up Kevin's past or present with Téa. It was even more unlikely because Todd was unaware of Kevin being any part of his life.

Susannah hesitated before she answered. She did not want to drive and even larger wedge in Kevin's relationship with Tom. Then she thought that it would be better if things were out in the open. Kevin may respond badly to it now, however she has confidence in his ability to come to terms with his feelings once he had time to think things through. "Kevin, Tom got the impression that you and Téa are romantically involved."

"What! Why the Hell does he think that? Oh my God! Is it Blair? Did she say something to that child to upset him? I swear, if Blair did that, I'll . . ."

"No! Blair never said anything to him, to my knowledge." Susannah quickly cut him off.

"Then who . . . w-why does he think that?" Kevin calmed down a little. Then it dawned on him. Before Susannah had a chance to answer Kevin asked, "Is that why Tom is so cold and uncomfortable around me? He thinks I am involved with Téa? That I've . . . what . . . stolen her away from him and from Todd?"

Susannah was not qute able to read Kevin's reaction to his realization. "Yes, I believe that is, at least in part, the problem Tom has with you." Susannah looked for signs of anger as Kevin processed what she just told him, but she saw none.

"Damn it! That poor kid. No wonder he's been acting the way he has. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did to him and how I could fix it. This never occurred to me." Kevin sat down again. "Okay. Tell me how I fix this? What do I say to him?"

Susannah wished it were that simple. "Kevin, the first thing we have to explore is if any of Tom's suspicions are warranted. There may be feelings you are not cognizant of at this point. I think you need to think this through before you say anything to Tom. I can promise you, even if you honestly believe what you say to him at the time, if you have some buried feelings for Téa, he will pick up on them."

"What are you telling me, that he's . . . psychic?" Kevin was half joking.

"I am saying that he and most of the alters are extremely perceptive about what people are really feeling. Most of the alters, particularly Tom, are able to read all of us extremely well. You need to be sure of your feelings before you approach him with this."

Kevin's first reaction was to say that he was sure of his feelings right now. It only took him a few seconds to realize that wasn't entirely true. "Susannah, I swear to you. I don't want to cause Todd or any of them any more suffering. Yes, I still have some feelings of anger toward Todd. I guess I am a little resentful of how his illness has disrupted all our lives. I'll even admit to some jealousy with Mom showing favoritism toward Todd. I also hate what has been done to him. If I could rip Peter Manning apart with my bare hands, I would do it. I may still hate all the things Todd has done, but I don't hate Todd. I don't feel superior to him anymore. Superior, hell! I know myself enough to know that if I had Todd's life and all those things had been done to me . . ." Kevin shook his head. "I never would have survived, or if I had, I would have turned out a thousand time worse than Todd ever was. I probably would have become a serial killer or something. Todd not only managed to survive, he managed to keep parts of him that could love and be loved intact. He managed to keep parts of his heart kind and good. He kept parts for compassion for others, like Eli and Paloma. Yeah, sure he had to compartmentalize some of his feelings into the alters, but they're there. I admire him. In some ways he's my hero." Admitting his feelings embarrassed Kevin. "Okay, now before I start singing You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings let me make sure I understand this. You don't want me to say anything to Tom about this."

"No. Not until you have examined your feelings about Téa."

Kevin looked Susannah in the eye. "I can't promise you that I know what my feelings are at this point." Kevin sighed deeply. "I can promise you I will never do anything to hurt Todd or any of them. If I find that, for whatever reason, I do have feelings for Téa that I shouldn't have; I will never act on them. I will always respect that Téa is Todd's wife and that she loves him with all her heart."

Susannah believed him. "That is all anyone can ask of you. I want to thank you for talking to me and for your honesty."

Kevin shook his head. A small laugh escaped. "So this is a sample of what Todd and my mom have to go through. No offense Susannah, these little chats hurt like Hell. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like when they lead to all these painful and terrifying memories coming through. I thought the physical therapy I had to go through for my burns was painful. It was a walk in the park compared to this."

"Therapy can be one of the most painful things anyone has to go through, especially in cases like Todd's," Susannah affirmed.

"How did my mom get through this? How, in God's name, is Todd ever going to be able to get through it with everything he has to remember and overcome?" It seemed insurmountable to Kevin. Then he thought for a second and answered his own question. "I guess if he managed to get through his childhood, he will get through therapy. I do think you really will have your work cut out for you."

"You're not going to get an argument from me there," Susannah smiled. She looked at her watch. "It's nearly noon. Why don't you get some lunch or get some air. I think you've had enough of me for the time being. I want to go up to seven and make sure everything is ready for Todd to be brought back to his room. I scheduled a staff meeting for one-thirty. Your mom gave me the go ahead to hire three more techs and three more nurses. They should be here around one. I think Frank and some of the others could use a little more time off than they've been having. I don't want them burning out. I want to make sure everyone is up to speed before Todd is brought back to seven, especially, with the threat Saber presents." Kevin seemed perplexed. "Do you have any questions?" Susannah asked.

"Yeah. I don't understand Saber. What pleasure does he get in hurting Todd? I mean okay, I understand some of the alters don't feel pain. So this Saber can hurt Todd's body and not feel it himself, but why? Even Pete, who hates Todd and will hurt him if he has to, is still there to protect Todd. Saber's only purpose seems to be to hurt and torture Todd."

"Saber is what we call an internal persecutor. Pete is a milder variation of Saber, in some ways, but his purpose is very different. You are right. Pete is still a helper alter. Saber's purpose is to punish. He may have started out as a helper who became discouraged when the other alters or Todd couldn't or wouldn't accept his help or his way of doing things. He may have become disillusioned in some other ways. He became angry, hostile, deeply embittered and self-defeatist within the system. He had no place to direct that pain except internally. Now, his sole purpose is to harm Todd and the alters for the sin of causing the abuse. That is one of the reasons Saber allows Rocky to hang out with him. Rocky also believes that Todd and the alters are the cause of the abuse. However, Rocky's need for the perfect, loving father is behind his beliefs. Saber may try to use Rocky to hurt Todd or some of the alters. Rocky needs Saber and looks up to him. He may also fear him. If Saber tells him to do something he will most likely do it. So we also have to watch out for him too."

Kevin was very frightened for Todd and for the others. "Why does Saber want to punish Todd so much? What the Hell did Todd or the alters ever do to him?"

"Saber is the embodiment of Todd's self-hatred. Like Peter, he believes Todd and probably all the other alters deserve to be punished. He enjoys having power and control over Todd and the others. He gets immense satisfaction from their fear. He gets precisely the reaction he wants out of Todd and usually out of us," Susannah explained.

"Are you and Mom and Sam afraid of him?"

"Only of what he can do to Todd. When he came out this morning, your mother begged him to leave Todd alone. That was exactly what he wanted. He incensed Sam to the boiling point." Susannah smiled sadly. "Yes, sir. Saber had a good time for himself this morning."

Kevin sighed. He just couldn't comprehend this. "In the end, what did he get out of it? Todd had to be put to sleep. What good did that do Saber? Is he able to somehow stay awake inside and still enjoy this?"

"No. Even with their different tolerance to medication, when Todd is that heavily sedated they all go to sleep. Saber knows that at this point he can just push us so far and then his fun is over. It's his long range plans that concern me."

Kevin looked at Susannah. She saw the fear in his eyes. "You don't really think he would try to kill Todd?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I do."

"Oh come on. He can't be that far gone that he believes he'll survive without Todd's body?" Kevin couldn't comprehend that.

"Like some of the others, he believes he has his own body. Pete knows he uses Todd's body. He believes that he has his own, but I know he has his doubts as to his survival without Todd. He won't admit it. He is not much of a threat to Todd. Saber, on the other hand, believes he is totally autonomous. I asked him to look at his body. He acted like he was seeing Todd's body. I believe he was seeing his own."

Kevin got up and stood behind the chair he had been sitting in. "How are you going to stop Saber?"

"We step up all precautions for starters. Then we try to find some way of making cooperation seem attractive to Saber and get him to contract with us for Todd's and the alter's safety and for his promise not to disrupt Todd's therapy. Perhaps there is something he wants."

"You know what he wants. He wants Todd dead!" Kevin exclaimed.

"Hopefully, there is something he wants more than that. I kind of doubt it, at this point. Perhaps we can work with Saber to help him let go of some of his hatred, or get him to transfer his hatred back to Peter. Once his reason for wanting to see Todd suffer goes away, so will his need to hurt him. I am afraid we are a long way off from that happening at this stage."

Susannah knew Kevin really had as much as he could tolerate for one day. "Kevin, I think we've had enough for now. There is just one more thing. How would you feel about my letting Todd know that you have been visiting some of his alters?" Kevin was surprised. He thought about it for a minute. Susannah could see something was deeply troubling him. She had a pretty good idea what it was. "Are you concerned about what you mentioned earlier? Are you worried that if Todd does not want you around you may not be able to see Timmy?"

Kevin felt so confused. He knew that Timmy was a part of Todd, yet the thought of being kept away from him cut into Kevin's heart like a dagger. "Susannah, I don't understand why I feel this way. I don't think I could stand it if Todd decided that I was not allowed to visit Timmy. I wish I knew why I loved that little boy so much. I care about all of them. I hope once I get to know some of the others, like Tom, I will love them as much. Right now the thought of no longer being a part of Timmy's life just kills me." Kevin looked away. Clearly, he was feeling ashamed of himself. "Even my feelings about Duke being so far away are not as strong. I have absolutely know idea why I feel the way I do, and even less of an idea what to do about it. Please don't ask me to do something that will cause me to lose my relationship with Timmy."

Susannah's heart broke for Kevin. She could see that he was more attached to Timmy than was healthy, and in some ways Timmy was too dependent on Kevin. Yet, they both seemed to be thriving with this relationship. "Kevin, I can't promise you that Todd will agree to let you see Timmy. I can promise you, that if and when I speak with him about you, I will make it very clear to him that Timmy's relationship with you is very important to him. Todd still hasn't accepted the DID diagnosis. He acknowledges it, but only in the most abstract terms. He thinks of Timmy and Tom and 'the bad one,' as he thinks of Pete . . . the three alters that he knows about . . . as completely separate from him. That was one of the reasons he agreed to allow Téa to visit. He didn't want to see a four and a seven year old kid feel hurt."

Kevin smiled. "Yeah, Todd loves kids. He would never do anything to hurt a kid or to make one unhappy. Even if that kid is inside him," Kevin conceded.

"I believe once Todd realizes that Timmy depends on you being there for him, he will agree to visits. I'm hoping that will also help him to begin to trust you. Do you think you could handle having a relationship with Todd, himself?"

"I don't know. We never could get along, not even in college. Todd really pushes all my buttons," Kevin confessed.

"Todd may feel the same way about you, but are you willing to try?"

Kevin thought again for a moment. "Yes. Todd may see me the same way he always did. The way I see him has changed radically. Maybe now, when he tries to push my buttons, I won't react the same way." Then Kevin remembered the way he reacted to Pete. "I don't know, Susannah. The one thing I don't ever want to do is to cause Todd or any of them, even Pete, any more pain. I don't think I could stand it if that happened again."

Susannah did not want to put Kevin in that position. "I won't be talking to Todd about this just yet. He has a lot to deal with. Now he has to accept the epilepsy diagnosis on top of everything else. When I do speak with him, I will be very cautious. I don't want either of you to be hurt."

Kevin looked at his watch. It was now twelve-thirty. "I think I'd better head for the paper and see if Mom needs . . . I was going to say 'my help,' but I'm the one who messed up the negotiations in the first place."

"Kevin, you really are much too hard on yourself. I know for a fact that your mom loves you very much and she is extremely proud of you. Especially for the way you have helped out since Christmas time. I don't know how your mother would cope without you. Both she and Sam are very grateful to you for what you've done and for the way you help out with Timmy."

Kevin blushed slightly. Susannah's praise embarrassed him, but not as much as his need for it. "Thanks. Is it all right if I stop by the ICU and take a quick peek at Todd before I go? If he's awake I won't go near him."

Susannah stood up and patted Kevin's shoulder. "Sure. If he had woken up someone in ICU would have called me. He should be out for another couple of hours. I'm hoping he will not wake up until after the transfer back to his room." Susannah headed for seven and Kevin for the ICU.

*****

Susannah was right and Todd was still in a deep sleep. Kevin stood by his bed and looked down at him. "I think I know why I started to hate you. Why did you always hate me, Todd? I wish you could tell me. Did I do something to you? Is it just a clash in our personalities?" Kevin whispered. He brushed away the hair that had fallen in Todd's face as he slept. He looked at Todd closely. He could see no trace of Timmy. He also could no longer see the person he hated. He saw Todd, but he felt no hatred for him. "At least not until you open your mouth and start pushing my 'I hate Todd buttons,'" he joked, even though Todd remained in a deep sleep. Kevin stroked Todd's head tenderly. Kevin thought of Téa. "I guess she saw something in you that I couldn't see. Even after all you did to her, she was able to see the good Todd." Kevin remembered what Téa's kiss had felt like, a kiss that had been meant for Todd. "You've got a lot to come back for, man. Todd, I know it's hard. I also know you can do it. You can have a good life. It's not too late." Kevin stroked Todd's head one more time. He closed his eyes tightly as he felt tears stinging them. Todd started to stir.

Kevin quickly moved away from the bed. A part of him desperately wanted to talk to Todd. He needed to know how he would feel and react when it was Todd he was dealing with. He was terrified of facing Todd and at the same time he wanted Todd to know that he was there for him. Kevin watched from the doorway as a nurse checked on Todd. He had not woken up. He probably would awaken soon.

Kevin left the ICU. He sat in a chair in the lounge. He thought about what he had told Susannah. He couldn't believe that he had said, out loud, thoughts he considered so vile and hateful. Do I still want to hurt you, Todd? Damn it! What the Hell is it I am feeling for Téa? Kevin thought to himself. "Oh, God. Do I have the same cruelty and sadism in me as Grandpa Victor and Peter Manning? Could I do something that would hurt Timmy or the others?" Kevin thought these tortured thoughts out loud. He had to know how he would feel once it was Todd and not Timmy or the other children he had to interact with. Kevin decided to tell Susannah that as soon as she felt Todd was up to it, he wanted to come face to face him. He wondered if Téa had any of the same suspicions about his feelings for her as Tom did. He was very sure she didn't have a clue. Thoughts of Todd filled her mind, leaving room for no one else.

Kevin wanted to make things right with Tom. He wanted to be able to care for him as he did for Timmy. Thinking of Tom broke his heart. He could not believe his relationship with Todd had become so important to him. He was obsessed with it. Kevin knew there was nothing he could do about it right now. Right now there were just two things Kevin wanted . . . to have a drink and to see Téa. "I just like talking to her, that all!" he whispered to himself. He tried to fight the desire to do either of the things he desired. Kevin sat in the lounge struggling with those desires for another half-hour. Things were calm in the ICU. Kevin lost the fight. Disgusted with himself, he headed out to get a drink. He knew he would then try to find Téa.

TO BE CONTINUED