*****

Téa held Tom for another thirty minutes. She gently kissed his forehead, and then Frank and Susannah helped her lay him in the bed. They turned him on his side and covered him with a couple of blankets. The ICU staff was relieved that he had calmed down and gone to sleep. Frank asked Susannah if she wanted him to stay with Todd, "unofficially." Susannah patted Frank on the back and told him to go spend the rest of the day with his own kids. Frank nodded. He looked at Tom and gently stroked the hair out of his face. He headed home to hug his boys.

Téa asked Susannah to step outside and talk to her. As they were getting settled in the waiting area outside the ICU, they saw Sam and Viki walking from the elevators. Viki and Sam were surprised to hear that Rocky and come and gone. They were very distressed to hear about Tom.

"What is going on with him?" Sam asked.

"Doctor Hanen, he seemed so moody. One minute he was up and happy the next he was sad and crying. He was that way all through my visit," Téa observed.

"I notice that too. He seems to cry at the drop of a hat these days. Is his depression getting worse?" Viki asked anxiously.

"Yes. I'm afraid it is. He never responded well to Paxil. The only reason I haven't changed it up until now is that Todd was responding to it and Tom was not this depressed."

Sam swallowed hard. It killed him to see Tom feeling so bad. "Why do you think his depression has worsened?"

"I'm not sure," Susannah admitted. "He seems to have lost his way in the system. The purpose he was born for does not exist anymore. He doesn't have to protect Todd from being tortured," Susannah theorized.

"Doctor Hanen, Tom asked me if I were going to beat him for making a mess with the pancakes. He almost seemed upset because I told him I would never hurt him. Is that possible? I thought I must be reading him wrong."

"Yeah, what is with this kick he's on about getting beaten? You can't tell us he wants to be hurt!" Sam could not understand this.

"It's not that he wants to be hurt," Susannah began trying to explain. "Tom was terrified of the physical torture Peter put him through. He is now terrified of the flashbacks he has of being abused and of his father still being alive. You need to understand, Tom came into the system for a purpose. That purpose was to be the one, for the most part, who would take the beatings and some of the other tortures. Tom may also equate the physical torture with his father's love. As many of the alters and even Todd have told us, Peter would tell them he was doing it for their own good. The message being, I wouldn't beat and burn you if I didn't love you. Judging from some of the things he has said, I also believe Miss Perkins gave him the responsibility of helping her care for Timmy. This is what Tom understands and feels familiar and comfortable with. These were his reasons for existing. Now his reasons are gone. He may be feeling lost and useless."

"So he wants to be hit to feel like he's loved and has a purpose? No . . . I . . . Susannah, I'm sorry. I don't think so." Sam could not grasp that Tom could possibly feel that way.

"He kept talking about Kevin. He thought I wanted to go skating with Kevin and not him," Téa informed them.

"He was talking to me about Kevin too, remember," Viki commented. Sam shifted uncomfortably. "Do you think Tom is jealous because Kevin is so close to Timmy?" Viki asked.

"That may be a part of it. Tom may feel displaced in his relationship with Timmy because of Timmy's affection for Kevin or he may feel that Kevin likes Timmy better. I think it's more than that though. Tom seemed to have a problem with Kevin from the minute he came to visit him last time."

Sam knew he had to get Susannah alone and tell her what Tom suspects and that he was not so sure Tom was wrong, as far as Kevin's feelings for Téa were concerned.

"At least he took the news about having epilepsy well. He seems to know how to take care of himself if he feels a seizure coming on," Téa added encouragingly.

"Yes, he did take it well. I'm not sure if he fully understands what we talked about. He was not as frightened as I thought he might be and that's good. I want you all to understand that the odds are not great that he will know when he is about to have a seizure, if he ever has another one. It is not great that any of them will get or understand the warning signs, especially at the beginning. Most likely they will not know what's happening to them. I'm hoping that none of them continue to have seizures. I also hope that if the seizures continue, eventually, they will start recognizing the signs their body is giving them. Usually seizures are very stereotypic. They almost always originate in the same part of the brain and follow the same pattern. If there is an aura, it usually does not change in the same patient. Now, with Todd and the alters I'm not sure. Not much research has been done on epilepsy and DID. It may be different for each alter and it is possible that some of them are not epileptics," Susannah theorized.

"Tom just seemed so unhappy and miserable. He didn't act like himself at all that night Kevin and I came to see him," Téa stated.

"Why are his feelings that his brain is so mixed up stronger now? I mean he always complained of that and had a problem distinguishing between the past and present and understanding some concepts, like telling time. Is it worse for him now?" Sam pressed.

"Sam, he's more depressed now. He's having a harder time keeping his thoughts straight. His thinking is disorganized. His thoughts are all over the place. He's having problems concentrating. Depression can affect his intellect. Also, he may not have responded well to the neuroleptic. In some cases they can worsen depression."

"Timmy's IQ went down. He's not able to remember how to spell words he used to know. We've also seen major personality changes in him. Do you mean it is affecting Tom similarly to the way it's affecting Timmy?" an agitated Sam asked.

"Yes. Worsening depression is likely the cause with both boys. It's only their reactions to it that differ."

Sam threw his hands up in disgust. "So the same medication that may be helping Todd is making Tom worse and possibly Timmy too. That's just great! So whom do we sacrifice? Do we do what's right for Tom or for Timmy or Todd? . . . What about Thomas? He has that restless thing . . . and Scared . . . his vision was affected . . . and his muscles . . . who was the one who had headaches . . . oh yeah, poor little Peep."

"Sam, I know this is upsetting. I don't intend to sacrifice any of them. They have been off the Zyprexa and the Paxil for two days now. Since it was not the drugs that caused the seizures I would like to try another combination with them. There are some different neuroleptics and antidepressants I'm thinking of. I need to go over the side effects of each of them with all of you so we can decide which way to go. I have to warn you, it's not likely, but the phenytoin may be contributing to his depression and may exacerbate the psychotic episodes. I'm not going to lie to you. Now with epilepsy added to his conditions, we may have a problem."

Tears came to Téa's eyes. She believed that if the anticonvulsant were contributing to their depression then she was responsible. She also believed that Todd would not have gotten epilepsy if it weren't for her hitting him. Téa knew her guilt was not going to do Todd or Tom or any of them a damn bit of good. She had to do whatever she could to help them. To do that she needed to understand everything she could about them. "Doctor Hanen, did Rocky come out again because of the seizures or because of any medication changes?" Téa asked.

"No, none of that has anything to do with Rocky coming out again," Susannah replied.

"I don't understand Rocky at all. How can he feel such love and such a strong alliance to that monster who called himself their father?" Téa wondered out loud.

Susannah understood the role Rocky played in Todd's system was a difficult one to understand. "Téa, there are most likely several reasons for Rocky's being. When the abuse against a child is chronic, it becomes part of the child's 'normal' daily life. It is all the child knows. He has no references to anything else. He also knows it hurts. In most cases, as it was with Todd's, the abusing parent and even sometimes the non-abusing parent gives the child the message that he is being hurt because of his own actions . . . that he asked for it. The child believes if he weren't bad in the first place he would not be punished. Peter constantly told whoever was out and being abused, physically, emotionally or sexually, that it was his or her fault. He made them believe that he or she made him do it."

Téa understood, up to a point. She had always blamed herself for her mother leaving. She had thought, 'if only I'd been a good girl my mami would still be here.' What Téa had a hard time with was a child believing they were bad enough to be not just hit, but also horribly tortured. "Todd usually refers to whatever abuse he does remember as 'being disciplined,'" Téa remembered.

"So, Todd and the others actually believed they deserved punishment that severe?" Sam stated more than asked.

"Yes, they believed it. They came to expect it as part of their daily routine. Now, at the same time, there is an instinctual need in children to bond with their parents. They need to feel loved and protected. They need to think that they have a safe place with at least one parent."

"Susannah, I remember you telling us about attachment to the perpetrator. Is that what you're talking about?" Viki asked. Viki understood that in a way neither Téa nor Sam could. She knew that no matter what your only parent did to you, a part of you needed to attach and bond to them, even if you had to shatter in a hundred pieces to do it.

Susannah began to try to explain the complicated reasons for Rocky's existence. "Yes. Todd desperately needed to feel some love and safety from his relationship with Peter. It was natural for him to want to bond with his father. Once Barbara left, and even more so when she sent him away from the summerhouse, Todd lost all hope of being saved by his mother. He had to cling to the hope that he would get what he needed from Peter. Todd only saw himself through the eyes of his father. His whole identity became entangled in the way Peter saw him and in the way Peter treated him. It is perfectly normal for a child to assume that if he's being punished, he must have done something bad. The more severe the punishment, the worse he assumes he is. He believes that if could be good enough the punishment would stop. This self-loathing may have become so intense that Todd wanted to die. He needed to be able to hate himself without becoming self-destructive. He also needed to be able to love his father and get his safety needs met."

"So he created Rocky to hate and blame Todd and all the others for the abuse . . . leaving Peter in the clear," Téa stated. She was beginning to understand.

"Exactly. Todd needs a part of him to believe he had a good dad who wanted to save him and protect him. He needs to have someone to blame for his father's actions so Peter could be that 'good dad.' Rocky can blame Todd, the alters, the women Peter dated and Barbara and everyone but himself and Peter for Peter's actions. He needs to preserve the image of the 'good dad' at all costs."

Téa nodded in agreement with everything Susannah had just explained. "That's why Rocky wants to be so much like Peter and thinks that everything his dad thought is right. I know when I explained about the portrayal of the women in those magazines to him he understood, for a moment. Then he quickly went back to thinking that if his father thought it, it must be true."

"Magazines?" Viki inquired.

"Apparently, Peter used to show Rocky magazines that depicted sexual sadism toward women." Susannah filled her in. Sam and Viki shook their head's in disgust. "He also told Todd that if any woman ever said she loved him, she'd be lying," Susannah continued, "and that if he ever had any money, any woman he met would only pretend to like him for the money."

"That rotten bastard!" Sam seethed. "He knew Todd was going to be very wealthy some day and he had to make sure that he would believe that."

"I don't think Todd ever really completely believed I came to care about just him and not the money. As much as I hate to admit it, Blair also came to love him for who he was and not how much he was worth, but he never believed that either," Téa lamented.

"So Rocky hates all the others because he thinks they are responsible for Peter being the way he is?" Sam posed.

"Yes. It seems that because of Rocky's idolization of Peter, he was able to forge some kind of relationship with him. Most of what few fond father and son memories there are belong to Rocky. Peter played ball with him. He watched T.V. with him. Unfortunately, he also tried to teach him to smoke and drink and he shared his views of women with him. Although he also shared those with Pete and with Todd himself," Susannah added.

"My God, I'm not trying to excuse the rapes and Todd's attitudes, but it is no wonder Todd ended up with such a distorted view of women," Viki shook her head and declared.

"I believe that could have definitely been a contributing factor . . . not to mention some of the alters seeing Peter rape Barbara, possibly several times and Barbara's not saving Todd when he was abused and then abandoning him, twice," Susannah theorized.

"Dear Lord, Susannah, how are you ever going to help Todd? There is not an aspect of his life that wasn't destroyed by Peter and Barbara. It's frightening to know how much she loved that child and still did so much damage to him," Viki lifted a trembling hand to her eyes to wipe away the tears that had formed as she spoke.

"Todd is extremely ill and has a very long, difficult, road ahead of him. I want you to remember he also has a lot going for him. His survival instincts are the strongest I have ever known. He is brilliant and multi-gifted young man, and even though he would never believe it, he has this amazing capacity for love. As hard as Peter tried, he could not torture that out of Todd. For all the horrible things Todd has done, he has an innate goodness in him. Yes, he is one of the sickest patients I have ever worked with. Still, he has more going for him than many, especially when it comes to having a support network around him. The way all of you feel about Todd, the way you treat him and are always there for him and the unconditional love you give him is invaluable. He would not survive without it," Susannah pointed out.

Sam took Viki's right hand and Téa's left. "That's one thing Todd will always have. We love that boy. We love him with all our hearts."

Viki looked at her watch. "Téa, it's two-thirty. Do you still have some time?"

"Yes, it won't take me long to get to the penthouse."

"Susannah, do you think you can go over the side effects of the neuroleptics and the antidepressant you want to give Todd, now, while Téa is here. This way you don't have to go through them again?"

"Sure. First, I want to make sure you understand. As I said, it is not common, but the anticonvulsant and the seizures themselves may contribute to his depression and possibly to psychotic episodes. Hopefully, they will have the opposite effect, which is also a possibility."

"Do you mean the seizures may physically cause these problems or his finding out he's become epileptic?" Viki needed clarity.

"Both," Susannah made clear. "Certainly Todd did not take finding out about his seizure disorder well. Having multiple seizures can cause postictal psychosis. That is usually a short-term psychosis. The problem is, it would be difficult to differentiate between any psychotic episodes he may have as being caused by the psychosis due to his mental illness or by seizure activity." Susannah could see how disheartened they all looked. She hated to have to give them even more negative news. Nevertheless, they had to be able to make an informed decision. "The drugs I have in mind for a neuroleptic are safe, but not quite as safe as Zyprexa, which is why that was my first choice."

"Susannah, maybe Todd doesn't still need to be on a neuroleptic? Can't you let him try without it for a while?" Sam asked.

"Of course we can. I do believe the neuroleptic was facilitating his ability to communicate with us. I also believe it helped to slow down the switching and psychotic episodes, to some extent, but not enough. I'm afraid without the medications we will see some rapid regression," Susannah stated sadly.

"Do you think that is most likely what will happen?" Viki pressed. She was not sure if she really wanted to know.

"Unfortunately, I do think this will lead to a set back. I think we will definitely see some regression, how much I don't know. We may only see it in Todd or in some of the alters. Since the medications were having little positive effect on Tom, Timmy and Thomas we may even see an improvement in them, in some ways. From what Thomas told us, Andy has been experiencing a major depressive episode since his disclosure about the sexual abuse. I'm hoping Andy and the other alters, as well as Todd, will benefit from a different antidepressant and neuroleptic."

"But now the epilepsy plays into your decisions, doesn't it?" Téa stated.

"Yes, that is a major concern to us. I am going over all the options with Doctor Anderson and Doctor Williams. We will be looking for what is safest for his heart and will be least likely to trigger seizures and at the same time be most effective. Unfortunately, many of both the neuroleptics and the antidepressants can cause seizure activity in susceptible patients."

"And now Todd has become a susceptible patient," Sam declared.

"Yes, now he has," Susannah sadly confirmed.

They all sat quietly for a few moments, trying to absorb the situation. "Doctor Hanen, what you are saying is the Dilantin may make his psychiatric problems worse and the psychiatric medications may make his seizures worse. My God! Todd is in trouble no matter which way you go," Téa commented in a strained voice.

"Choosing meds for Todd was always very difficult. It's definitely more complicated now, but it's not impossible. We have to weigh the potential to heal and the potential to harm of each drug. Todd must be on an anticonvulsant. There's no getting around that. If we can eliminate the neuroleptics, and I honestly don't believe we can at this time, we will. I think the possibility of us being able to eliminate an antidepressant right now is nil. Todd and most of the alters are severely depressed and beyond being able to get relief without medication. There are several ways we can go. I would like to stay with the newer atypical antipsychotics and the SSRIs for an antidepressant."

"SSRIs?" Téa asked.

"Serotonin Selective Reuptake Inhibitors. What they do is to inhibit the reuptake of the neurotransmitter, serotonin, by the presynaptic synapse. That is the nerve ending. This forces the serotonin to remain in the spaces surrounding the nerve endings where it works best to control depression. The antidepressant I would like to try with him is called Zoloft," Susannah explained.

They were once again quiet as they absorbed this bit of information. "Wasn't Paxil also an SSRI?" Viki asked.

"Yes, but unfortunately many of the alters were getting no relief from it and Todd wasn't getting enough relief to warrant continuing it. Now, the neuroleptics are more of a problem. There are two that we are thinking of. Both have some side effects that are of concern. One is called clozapine and the other risperidone. While it is not common, risperidone can be more likely to cause EPS. However, it is a less likely to cause seizures. It can cause some heart rhythm disturbances. Clozapine could present even more of a problem to his heart. We are leaning away from clozapine for those reasons and because it has the potential for some very serious blood disorders like agranulocytosis, leukopenia and neutropenia. We would only consider it as a last resort if there is any problem with the risperidone or he doesn't respond to it."

"You and the other doctors said that Dilantin could also cause some of those same blood problems. It is harmful to the white blood cells. You want to give him two medications that can cause those problems!" Sam asked loudly. His voice was shaking.

Susannah was not sure this was the best time for them to make this decision. With all they had been through in the past two days, hearing about these potential but unlikely side effects was terrifying them. "Yes, it could cause a decrease in the number of white blood cells or cause them to behave in an abnormal fashion. These conditions are extremely serious. If Todd were to go on clozapine he would need weekly blood tests. He already has blood tests every other week, so that in itself would not present as much of a problem as the possibility of the conditions themselves. While not life threatening, clozapine can also cause and increase in REM sleep. It can increase it to eighty-five percent of total sleep and because of that there can be an intensification of dreams. It can cause Todd to go into REM sleep as soon as he falls asleep. As with Zyprexa, there is a very rare possibility of neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia with either drug. There is much less of a chance of TD and EPS with the clozapine than with the risperidone . . ."

"Wait a minute," Sam cut Susannah off. "You're saying the one that causes the blood and heart problems puts him at more of a risk for seizures, but it has less of a chance of causing tardive dyskinesia and EPS than the, supposedly, safer one! God! I hate this. What are we doing to him!"

"We're trying to help him in every way we know possible," Susannah stated. "We are trying our best not to cause any harm. If he shows any signs of any of the more serious side effects, the medication will be reduced in dosage or discontinued." Susannah's assurances did little to wipe the frightened and worried look off of their faces. She understood what a terrible and terrifying responsibility it was to have to be the one to decide what was done to and for Todd. She knew that Todd having no say in what was done to his body and mind seemed horribly unfair. Sadly, for now, Todd could not make these decisions for himself.

Viki took Sam's hand. Sam was beginning to wonder if, perhaps, Blair's idea of just taking Todd home was such a wild one. "Is the risperidone very likely to cause those extrapyramidal symptoms?" Viki asked anxiously.

"No, but clozapine is much less likely to. That was one of the only reasons we even considered it in the first place. Listen, you don't have to decide anything right now. If you like, you can discuss it with Doctor Anderson and Doctor Williams," Susannah suggested.

"I've been checking out sites on epilepsy on the Internet. Some of them mention a ketogenic diet," Téa announced.

"Really! . . . A diet to help epilepsy? Susannah, have you heard of this?" Sam was grasping at straws.

"Yes. It's a diet rich in lipids. Those are fats and oils. It’s also low in proteins and carbohydrates. The high intake of lipids and oils creates a condition in the body known as ketosis. The metabolic shift that is created by this increases the seizure threshold for some. It is usually only effective in children. There is a possibility it may work with some of the alters, but that is highly unlikely. The diet is calorie and liquid restricted. It must be adhered to strictly. Todd's nutritional needs are too great for such a restricted diet. However, in the future, if he does not respond to anticonvulsants and we can get his weight up, we may consider trying a ketogenic diet . . . although it can put a strain on the kidneys. In all likelihood the anticonvulsant will control Todd's seizures. It just may take some time to get to the best therapeutic dose for him. Most people with epilepsy live out their life fully and with the same quality as anyone else. I have some information pamphlets on the anticonvulsants and the neuroleptics and antidepressant I want to try with Todd. Why don't you stop by my office when you have a chance and pick them up. My secretary knows where they are or I can get them for you. I really do think it would be a good idea for you to meet with Doctors Anderson and Williams and voice your concerns about the drugs. This is a team effort and as Todd's family you are part of that team. Remember that. You have the right to question any of our decisions," Susannah offered. She did not want any one of them to feel guilty for any decision made. They needed to be informed.

Téa looked at her watch. It was three twenty-five. "I think I'd better be heading to the penthouse. I don't want to be late and have Starr think I'm not showing up. If it's Tom who wakes up, please tell him I love him and I will see him later or tomorrow."

"Have a good time with Starr and give her a kiss from us and from her daddy." Viki's eyes filled with tears as she said the last words.

Téa took Viki's hands. "I will. I will let her know how much her daddy and her entire family loves her." Viki hugged Téa to her. Téa gathered her things and headed for the penthouse.

"She loves Todd and the children so much. Téa is the best thing that ever happened to Todd. She always tried to push him to be a part of us instead of pulling him away from us," Viki commented.

"From the day I arrived to help Todd save his marriage to Téa I could see by the look in his eyes that he found something special and I knew I had to do everything within my power to keep it for him," Sam added.

"Is it all right if we go and sit with Tom for a while? We won't wake him?" Viki promised.

"Of course. I'll be in my office. The ICU staff knows to get me immediately if there's any problem or changes in his condition. Susannah headed for her office and Viki and Sam for Todd's bed.

Téa arrived at the penthouse at three fifty-five. She checked her eyes in the mirror to make sure they didn't show evidence of her tears. She checked for the ring box in her bag to make sure that she had Starr's present. Téa's hand shook as she rang the bell to the home she used to live in.

She heard Starr's voice yell out, "I'll get it Mommy." Téa's heart leapt with joy at the voice of the child whom she considered her little girl too. She heard Blair's footsteps and her voice saying, "Sweetie, you know you're supposed to ask who is it, first."

"Who is it?" Téa heard Starr's voice call out.

"It's Téa," she answered. The door quickly opened and before she knew it Starr had jumped into her arms.

"Tee! Tee! I thought I'd never see you again."

Téa loved hearing Starr pronounce her name as Tee, the same way Timmy did. Téa and Blair exchanged looks. Blair's eyes said she was sorry for ever having made Starr feel that way and Téa's said, "it's okay, I'm here now."

After a minute Téa rested Starr down on her feet and knelt down to her. "Mi estrella, I have missed you so much. Look at how big you've gotten!"

"When Mommy measured me the other day she said I grew two whole inches."

"I see! You are such a young lady now," Téa complimented. She stroked Starr's head.

"Tee, I have a tea party set up in the living room. Would you like to come? I'll set a place just for you."

Téa was so happy that Starr was not so grown up that she no longer had an interest in her famous tea parties. "Well, thank you, Miss Manning. I would love to attend. You always throw the best tea parties," Téa played along. They all walked into the living room. Téa saw the other guests were a couple of stuffed animals and Fred the Frog. She held back the tears she felt stinging her eyes.

"I have some things to do upstairs. I will leave you two down here for a nice visit," Blair told them and headed upstairs. Starr didn't know that a voice-activated tape recorder had been left hiding behind a plant.

Téa sat on the floor in front of the coffee table as Starr did the honors. "The tea is really apple juice, but the cookies are Daddy's favorite," Starr informed her.

Téa's heart quickened. She wondered if Starr was going to ask about Todd. "I love these kind of cookies and I love apple juice and I love you," Téa told her.

Starr looked down and then she looked up at Téa with tears in her eyes. "How come you left and didn't come back for such a long time? Did you stop liking me?"

Téa couldn't help it. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She pulled herself away from the table and sat facing Starr and held her arms open. Starr rushed into them. "Mi estrella. Mi estrella. I love you so much, just as if you were my own little girl. I will never stop liking or loving you. I missed you with all my heart. It was . . ." Téa had rehearsed for this moment and now she felt tongue-tied.

"Mommy says that she told you not to come because she wanted her and me and Daddy to be a family again."

"Starr, I understand that Blair and Daddy are your parents. I will never try to take your mommy's place. That doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you with all my heart."

"Mommy told me, but I thought she just didn't want me to have hurt feelings," Starr explained sadly.

'My God! She is so much like Todd,' Téa thought. She looked into Starr's eyes and saw the innocent eyes of the children alters staring back at her. "You are so much like your daddy. Do you know that?"

Starr smiled. "Mommy tells me that all the time. I love being like Daddy. When I grow up I'm gonna be real smart like Daddy and run a whole newspaper like Mommy and Daddy and I'm gonna be a lawyer like you, and a ballerina and a doctor so I can make Daddy all better."

Téa hugged her tightly. "You can do it all, Starr. You can be anything you want to be. You are smart and talented and beautiful. You have so many people who love you. Aunt Viki and Sam told me to tell you how much they love you and to give you this. . . ." Téa kissed Starr's right cheek. "And this. . . ." she kissed Starr's left cheek as well.

"I love them too," Starr declared. She seemed to be waiting for something else. Téa knew what it was. She gave Starr a big kiss on the forehead and hugged her as tightly as she could. "That is from your daddy. He loves you, Starr. He loves you more than anyone or anything on the face of the Earth. He thinks about you all the time."

Starr smiled for a moment and then sadness washed over her little face. "My daddy is real sick, isn't he?"

Téa took a deep breath. "Yes, he is, but he's getting better. He's getting new medicine and his doctor says it may make him feel a whole lot better."

"Really! Daddy's gonna get better quicker?"

"We hope so. Starr, the doctors are trying very hard to get your daddy better. Everyone at the hospital cares very much about your daddy. They all take very good care of him and treat him very nicely. Aunt Viki and Sam and I and your mommy all come to see him and help him. Aunt Viki and Sam stay there with him all the time. Your daddy is never alone. He is safe and protected."

"So his bad daddy can't hurt him?"

Starr's question surprised Téa. "Starr, Daddy's father can never hurt him again."

Starr put her arms around Téa's waist and rested her head against her chest. Téa held her close. "I want to go see Daddy so real bad. I'm not allowed where Daddy is. Daddy don't want me to see him sick."

"I'm sorry, Starr. Honey, that's true." Téa lifted Starr's face up. "But, you know what?" Starr shook her head. "Your daddy knows that you want to see him and he knows that you are not allowed to. Your daddy is trying very hard to get better and stronger so he can go to a different part of the hospital where you can see him and then eventually he can come home to you."

Starr wanted to tell Téa the secret. That her daddy might be coming home real soon to get better and stronger, but she had promised her mommy not to. "Does Aunt Viki still love me a whole lot?" Starr held out her arms wide.

"Yes she does . . . very much. I told you Aunt Viki misses you this much." Téa held out her arms as wide as they could go.

"Nobody comes to see me anymore," Starr sadly admitted.

Téa stroked her head. "Aunt Viki wants to come and so does Sam. Starr, I know you're a big girl now and you'll understand this. Aunt Viki and Sam are afraid that when your daddy wakes up and sees they're not there he will think the same thing that you do . . . that they don't love him anymore. So, they stay with him at the hospital . . ."

"So Daddy won't get scared and think he's all alone in a strange place." Starr finished what Téa had started.

Téa stroked Starr's cheek. "You are as smart as your daddy. Oh, Starr. Your daddy is so proud of you and so is your mommy and so am I. You are a blessing to all of us."

Starr smiled and stayed in Téa's arms for a while. She wanted to hold on to Téa forever. Having Téa in the penthouse reminded her of when her daddy was there. Starr loved Blair so much. Nevertheless, she longed for the days when she lived there with Téa and Todd. Often, Starr would close her eyes and pretend she heard her daddy calling to her. Sometimes she would sneak into Todd's room and stand in his closet and press her face into his clothes because they still carried his fragrance. She would put her tiny feet into his shoes and her small hands into his gloves. She once found this tiny little book Todd used to read, caught in the sofa cushions. She took it to her room and hid it in her closet. When she was alone she would take it out and kiss it and press it to her heart with the palm of her hand. More than anything in this world Starr wanted to be with her daddy.

"Tee, do you remember the time you and me and Daddy took a really long car ride and you and me had ice cream?"

Téa knew she was talking about the time Todd tried to run off to Canada. "Yes, I remember." Téa wondered that if she had not called Sam and forced Todd to flee, with Starr, back to Llanview if perhaps he would not be as sick as he is right now. Téa was often tortured with the thought, 'Maybe if I had just trusted him enough we would be living in Canada right now, as a happy family'. In her head, Téa knew that wouldn't have been possible. Todd was already seriously ill and had been most of his life, but he was still able to keep it together. In her heart, Téa wondered if her love and Starr's love would have been enough to keep Todd going and give him some semblance of happiness for the rest of his life. 'If only I hadn't made that phone call,' Téa thought to herself.

"Tee?"

"I'm sorry, honey. I was just thinking about that car trip you mentioned."

"Yeah. Daddy wasn't sick back then. He was just mad at everyone," Starr remarked.

Téa smiled. Then she remembered. "Starr, do you still like presents?" Téa teased.

"I love presents!" Starr proclaimed. She was excited.

Téa reached over for her handbag and pulled out the small box. "When I was a little girl, just seven years old, my papi gave this to me. It has always meant a lot to me and that is why I want you to have it. You mean everything to me, Starr. I always wanted a little girl to pass it down to."

Starr opened the box and gazed at the tiny ring with the little pink and white stone. "Tee! A ring! A real grown up ring. I can really keep it?"

"Yes, mi estrella. It's yours now. Maybe someday you will have a little girl and you can give it to her." Starr took the ring out of the box and held it up and looked at it. "It goes on this finger." Téa took the ring and picked up Starr's right hand and placed it on her diminutive ring finger.

Starr held it up and looked at it. "It's the best present I ever got, next to Fred the Frog. Thank you, Tee." Starr threw her arms around Téa's neck and hugged her tightly.

"When my papi gave me this ring he told me I was his beautiful little girl. So, since I think of you as my beautiful little girl, I want you to have it."

Starr climbed on Téa's lap. "Was your daddy nice you?"

"Yes, he was very nice to me," Téa responded.

"Did he love you?" Starr continued to probe.

"He loved me very much." Téa smiled at the memory.

Starr's eyes became sad again. "I used to think all daddies love their children a whole lot, like Daddy loves me and River's daddy loves him. Then Mommy told me that Daddy's daddy was real mean to him and hurt him and made him get sick now. I'm glad your daddy wasn't mean to you and that he loved you. I don't want you to get sick like daddy."

"Oh, Starr." Téa held her close. "No. I won't get sick. I'm fine. Not everyone who's daddy is mean to them gets sick. Your daddy's father was very mean to him and Daddy didn't have a mommy to protect him," Téa explained.

Starr thought about what Téa had just said. "Was your daddy nice to you because your mommy protected you?"

"No. My papi was a nice man and he loved all of us."

"You have a whole lot of brothers, right?" Starr tried to remember.

"Yes. I was the only girl. It was hard for my papi because he didn't know how to handle a girl, but he tried."

"Where was your mommy?" Starr noticed the tears that formed in Téa's eyes. "Did I make you sad, Tee?" Starr asked. Starr's eyes began to fill with tears too. Starr reached up and wiped away a tear that had trickled down Téa's cheek.

Téa took Starr's small hand in hers and kissed it. "No, you didn't make me sad, not at all." Téa looked into Starr's eyes and saw the wisdom of a child who has had to face adult problems that she never should have had to know about. "When I was a very little girl, younger than you, my mother left. Sometimes when I think about her I really miss her and it makes me sad," Téa explained.

"Why did your mommy leave?" Starr inquired.

"She was a lot younger than my father and she wanted a different life from the one she would have had with us."

"So you got to live with your daddy, like me," Starr stated with a happy grin on her little face.

"Yes, I did. I loved my papi very much. I also have a grandmother who loves me very much. When I was a little girl I was not as smart as you are, Starr. I didn't appreciate having a loving daddy and grandmother as much as you appreciate having your mommy and daddy."

"Maybe your mommy was afraid she would become mean to you and make you sick so she left before she hurt you," Starr suggested.

Téa sat there, startled for the moment. 'My God! Maybe that was it? Maybe she was afraid the anger and frustration she felt with her life would make her abuse me?' Téa wondered to herself. She lowered her head as more tears fell.

Starr patted Téa's head. "Tee, Mommy says it's okay to be sad cause you miss someone. I'm sad all the time cause I miss Daddy so much. It's okay to be sad cause you miss your mommy."

"Starr." Téa smiled and stoked her little girl's face. "You are so wise and so grown up and you understand things about life that your daddy and I never did. I am so proud of you and so happy that you are in my life."

"Me too, Tee. I love you being my second mommy. I'm so happy that you're not mad at me and that you still wanna see me." Starr hugged Téa with all her strength.

"Why don't we have our tea party before Fred and all the other guest faint from hunger?" Téa suggested.

Starr giggled and took her place at the table. The tea party went smoothly. Starr showed her ring to all "her guests" and kept admiring it throughout. Once the cookies and apple juice were gone Starr took Téa over to the couch so she could show her the latest steps she learned in ballet class. Téa applauded her every move. Starr sat down next to Téa and snuggled into her.

"Are you sure Aunt Viki and Sam still love me?"

"Yes, very sure. I know for a fact that as soon as your daddy is a little better they will be coming to see you."

"What about Kevin, does he still like me?" Starr needed more assurance. She was still feeling lost.

"Kevin loves you. Starr, you have a whole big family. They all love you. You will never be alone."

"Kevin and Daddy don't like each other. Is he being mean to Daddy?" Starr sounded very worried.

"No, mija. Kevin realizes he was wrong about a lot of things and he loves your daddy." Téa didn't want to add that he loves parts of your daddy, anyway. She knew that would confuse Starr.

"Do you get to see Aunt Viki and Sam and Kevin a lot?" Starr pressed.

"Sometimes I do," Téa responded honestly.

"Can you take me with you when you see them some time?" Starr pleaded.

Téa thought for a moment. "I'll find out, and only if it's okay with your mommy. I know they would love to see you," Téa assured Starr.

"Do you only see them in the part of the hospital where they don't allow little kids?"

"That is where I usually see Viki and Sam."

"What about Kevin?" Starr pushed.

"No. I see Kevin outside the hospital," Téa responded openly.

"Kevin works at Aunt Viki's newspaper, right?" Starr continued to try to make some sense out of all of this.

"Yes. Kevin works very hard there because Viki stays with your daddy."

"Is that where you see him, at the newspaper?"

"No, I usually see him at the hospital . . . sometimes at my office . . . at dinner . . . at my hotel. I see Kevin in many different places, mija." Téa answered innocently. She wanted to be honest with Starr.

Starr, in her own innocence, was just trying to figure out a way to see those she missed. "Maybe I can come and have dinner with you and Kevin someday?"

"Honey, I don't think your mommy would like that. Maybe sometimes when everyone is around, Aunt Viki, Sam and Kevin, your mommy will let you come."

Starr still wanted to make sure that Kevin was okay and not a threat to her father. So she asked, "Tee, do you like Kevin?"

Téa understood why Starr was asking this. She knew that Starr had picked up on the bad vibes that existed between her dad and Kevin, before Todd's illness. Adding some extra enthusiasm to her voice, to reassure Starr, Téa answered. "Oh yes! I like Kevin very much. You don't have to wor . . ." Téa and Starr both looked around when they heard the tiny click, as the tape ran out and the recorder shut off.

"I wonder what that was?" Téa commented.

Starr shrugged. "Maybe it was the floor? Sometimes when I hear things at night and I get scared cause Daddy's not here. Mommy says the floors can creak and make little noises or sometimes the windows can too. Don't be scared, Tee. Mommy says it's safe here. She says Daddy gave us a very safe place to live."

Téa hugged Starr to her and thought no more about it. She and Starr read a book together. Téa was impressed with how well Starr could read now. Starr showed her how she learned to multiply and divide. Téa saw that Starr was growing up and she had missed so much of it. What made her even sadder was realizing that Todd was missing it as well. Téa and Starr drew a picture together and Téa promised to give it to Todd.

They both looked up when they heard Blair come down the stairs. "Looks like you two had a really long visit. It's almost six-thirty." Téa looked at her watch. She couldn't believe it. It seemed like she had just gotten there. "Starr, I know you are enjoying your visit, but you have homework to do and you have to have dinner and then get to bed. You have school tomorrow," Blair reminded her.

Starr did not look happy about it. "Okay, Mommy," she mumbled. Starr ran up to Blair. "Mommy, look at the ring Tee gave me. It used to belong to her when she was a little girl. Her daddy gave it to her. Isn't it beautiful?"

Blair took Starr's hand and looked at it. "Yes, it's very beautiful." Starr turned to Téa. "Tee, will you come see me soon? You won't go away for such a long time again, will you?"

Téa looked at Blair. Blair gave her a begrudging nod. "Yes, oh yes, mi estrella. I will come back soon," Téa promised.

"Mommy, can I go have dinner with Tee and Aunt Viki and Sam and Kevin some time?" Starr pressed.

"Aunt Viki can come visit you any time she wants. You know that, sweetie." Blair gave Téa an angry look.

"I thought with everyone wanting to stay close to Todd, it might work out better if Starr were to meet with them in a restaurant near the hospital or in the cafeteria," Téa explained.

"We'll see, sweetie. For the time being I think it's best if everyone came here to see you. Now why don't you say goodbye to Téa and head upstairs and start your homework." Starr looked disappointed. She reached up to Téa.

Téa lifted her into her arms and held her tightly. She wondered if she would ever see her again. Starr wondered the same. "I love you so much," Téa whispered.

"I love you too, Tee," Starr whispered back.

Téa lowered her. Starr headed up the stairs. She stopped for a moment and turned around and waved to Téa. Téa waved back. Both Téa and Starr had tears in their eyes.

"I guess I should be going. I have some evening appointments," Téa announced.

"Téa, just one thing before you go. I don't appreciate you filling Starr's head with ideas about having dinner with you and Kevin. How dare you even suggest that!"

"I did not suggest that. I mentioned a family dinner with Viki and Sam being there as well. They are Starr's family and she misses them and they miss her. You could be there too if you think you can control yourself long enough to allow Starr a happy time with her family."

"I can control myself just fine. Maybe a lot better than you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Téa asked sharply.

"Nothing, forget it. How is Todd?" Blair changed the subject.

"He was doing all right when I left. He's been started on oral Dilantin and hasn't had any seizures. Tom was out when I left." Téa didn't feel like going to any details. "Blair, Starr has a family that needs her as much as she needs them. You should encourage her to be with them," Téa persisted.

"Yes, Starr has a family. But it isn't just Viki and Sam and the ever lovin' Kevin. She has Dorian, Kelly and Cassie . . . oh, that's right. You don't remember that Cassie exists do you? They are her family too. She is as much a Cramer as she is a Lord and don't ever forget that."

Téa did not want to get into a fight with Starr just upstairs. "I need to get going." Téa gathered her things.

"Please tell Viki and Sam they can come see Starr whenever they wish," Blair offered coldly. Téa noticed she didn't include Kevin. "And please let me know ahead of time if you plan on coming to see Starr again," Blair added.

"Yes. I will. Thank you for allowing this visit."

Blair could see that Téa was being genuine. She shrugged. "There's nothing I wouldn't do the make my daughter happy or to keep her from being hurt." Blair stepped close to Téa. "And there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep her father from being hurt either."

Téa stared at Blair for a second and then turned and left. Blair waited until she heard the elevator and then went to get her tape.

*****

Susannah was checking out some abstracts on neuroleptics on the Medline site when she heard Bill's familiar knock on her office door. "Come in, Bill," she called out. Susannah felt her heart quicken as a smile replaced the worried look on her face. As soon as Bill walked in carrying a brown shopping bag the wonderful aroma of Chinese food wafted toward Susannah.

"I assumed you would not be able to go to The Palace of Wong tonight, so I brought the best of Wong to you."

Susannah had not realized she was starving. "A man who anticipates my every need. I must have done something right in this life."

"I'd say you may have done a thing or two right, Doctor Hanen." Bill put the bag down and kissed Susannah hello. As tired as Susannah was, Susannah felt re-energized by Bill's presence.

Bill dished out the food as Susannah opened the sodas he brought and poured them into cups. They talked about two of the rental houses they had looked at. "The first one had a much bigger back yard, but the second one had that extra bedroom and a two car garage," Bill commented.

"Maybe you should look some more. You might be able to find one that is just right for you and the kids," Susannah suggested.

"Speaking of the kids, they'll be coming in a couple of weeks, for their spring vacation. I'll be picking them up at the airport a week from Monday. Then I get to have them for ten days."

Susannah could not believe how time had gotten away from her. "I am really looking forward to meeting them. Are they bringing Patches?"

"Not on this trip. It's too stressful for the dog for such a short visit. He'll be coming with them when they come here for the summer."

Susannah was a little nervous about meeting Bill's children. She always got along great with kids. It was very important to her that these children like her and sometimes kids picked up on the tension and pressure a situation like that could cause. "I would love to show them around town, if that is okay with them," Susannah offered.

"I think they would love that. I know I will," Bill smiled.

"Hey, I already gave you the scenic tour. This one is for the kids," Susannah teased.

"I'm just a big kid at heart, so it'll be okay," Bill teased back. Then he asked, "maybe we can get away for the day and take them to Philly?"

"I would love that. Or maybe an overnight to the Amish country?" Susannah proposed.

Susannah and Bill looked into each other's eyes. The same thought occurred to them both. The odds of Susannah being able to get away for an overnight trip were not great. "Bill, I'm sorry. I hope we get to do it, but I can't promise."

"I wouldn't ask you to. I understand and you know what? My kids are pretty understanding themselves. When my oldest was in second grade a kid in the class got leukemia and lost his hair because of chemo. My son asked us to give him permission to get his head shaved and talked a few of his friends into doing it to so this kid wouldn't feel so bad. They'll understand about Todd."

It didn't surprise Susannah that Bill would have a child like that. She realized that some of the credit had to go to their mother as well. That reminded Susannah of something she had been meaning to discuss with Bill. "Am I going to be the first woman you will be introducing your kids to since the divorce?"

"Yep. Does that concern you?"

"That is sometimes a difficult position for children to be in. They feel disloyal to their mom. They also have to start coming to the realization that you and their mom may never get back together again. Do you think they are still holding on to hopes that you will all be a family again?"

"I thought of that," Bill admitted. "I might be too optimistic here, but I really don't think so. We explained the divorce to them very carefully and answered all their questions honestly. I don't think they have any hopes of us getting back together. Besides, their mom has started to date. Nothing serious, but they have seen her being picked up for a date."

Though still a little nervous, Susannah was looking forward to meeting Bill's children. "I notice you did not talk about Todd since I've been here. I hope you were not holding back on my account. I care very much about that boy and his family," Bill confessed.

"Oh, Bill. You don't have to tell me that. No, I was just taking the other parts of my life out for a little airing."

"So, how's he doing?" Bill asked. Susannah could tell Bill wanted to know and not just asking because he felt she needed to talk. "He's doing all right, considering what he's been through . . . same for the family. He's responding well to the Dilantin, so far. There haven't been any more seizures. Todd came back long enough to hear he has epilepsy."

"How did he take it?" Bill inquired.

"He thinks it's just one more reason for everyone to hate him and make fun of him and think he's disgusting."

"Poor kid, like he didn't have enough to deal with," Bill sympathized.

"He thought he caught it from someone. Then he thought the Buchanans had somehow paid me, or someone, off to give it to him. He compared himself to a rabid dog."

Bill shook his head. "Did you get him to understand?"

"No," Susannah shook her head. "He shut down and then begged to go inside. The one good thing is, even though he doesn't realize it, he is making the connection to Goodone. That was who he wanted to get to."

"Really! He knows about Goodone and asked to go to him," Bill stated hopefully.

"Not exactly. He's able to remember being with someone who makes him feel warm and safe. He may think of him as Papa, but he didn't say. The thing is, before, he had no concept of where he goes or what he wants to get to when he goes away. Sometimes he was terrified when he felt himself going away and that made it worse. He would fight it and it would cause severe headaches. Now he is able, more and more, to recognize that comforting part of himself. He is able to trust me to get him to that part. That he is able to recognize that comforting part of himself, even in the abstract terms he recognized it in, is a good thing. He is forging some communication with his inner system. This can lead to co-consciousness and that's a very good thing."

Bill never failed to be impressed with Todd. He had the utmost respect for this young man. "So, did he make it to Goodone?"

"I helped to get him into a relaxed state, then he rushed into his papa's arms." Tears formed in Susannah's eyes.

Bill took her hand. "You're allowed your tears, Susannah. Maybe not in front of Todd or his family, but certainly here and with me."

"I'm afraid he's in trouble, Bill. The epilepsy complicates things . . . it's not just that. Things are changing. I feel it. Many of the alters are becoming very depressed. They're experiencing personality changes. Todd's desire to die is stronger. Andy doesn't want to come out or to do anything but sleep when he's inside. Tom's emotions are all over the place. His thoughts are becoming even more disorganized. He's feeling lost both inside and out. Timmy was also showing signs of cognitive and motor dysfunction and behavior problems the last time he was out. Thomas is becoming angrier every time we see him. Saber hasn't come out to taunt us for a while and even that concerns me. He may be plotting something. He has been persecuting Todd all along and swore to us that he was out to get Todd. Tom told us about another alter . . . an eleven year old computer, math and science expert named Justin."

Bill took a deep breath and put his arm around Susannah's shoulders. "Do you feel all this necessarily means that he's headed for trouble or that perhaps he's headed for a breakthrough?"

"The truth is, I don't know. Even pacing ahead can mean trouble for Todd. Almost every time he remembers something and makes a disclosure he becomes overwhelmed and regresses or switches or goes into a dissociative state. With Todd there is always the danger of another conversion disorder."

"Conversion disorder?" Bill didn't understand.

"Like his blindness, it's what most people know as psychosomatic conditions. The interaction of the mind, 'psyche', and the body, 'soma.' The broader category is called somatoform disorders and conversion disorder is one of them. They are things like psychogenic vision or hearing loss or sudden paralysis. Todd can just as quickly lose his hearing or his ability to walk as he did his vision. I always have to be careful of how far I push him. Patients don't usually experience these disorders for as long as he has. He has a very strong need to punish himself and an even stronger fear of looking at what happened."

Bill sighed. "So what are you planning to do for him?"

"I plan on changing his meds for starters. Sam and Viki are freaking out because of the potential for side effects and I can't really blame them. I'm not sure how much more they can take. They each have their own issues to deal with. Then there's Téa, Blair and Kevin. They are always at each other. They have long-standing conflicts and some new ones. Both Blair and Téa love Todd and I believe both of them are hoping he will come back to them when he is well."

"Whew!" Bill whistled. "Man! Even without being mentally ill that can be hard on a guy."

Susannah smiled. "As my grandmother would have said, 'that should be his only problem.' I am hoping that I'm just feeling discouraged and maybe he is heading for some progress. Tom was out when I left. He was sleeping soundly and since they haven't called or beeped me I'm assuming he's doing well." Susannah rested her head on Bill's shoulder. "I could sleep for a week."

"Why don't you curl up on your couch for a while. I'll sit guard and you don't have to worry about sleeping so deeply that you won't hear the phone or your beeper," Bill suggested.

"Like I said . . . a man who anticipates my every need." Susannah had been afraid of that and Bill had realized it. Susannah headed for the couch and kicked off her shoes.

"Mind if I use your computer? I'm checking out some online realtors too."

"Be my guest," Susannah told him. Her voice was already sleepy.

"Yeah. Doesn't hurt to let these Llanview real estate agents know I have a few irons in the pot." When Bill got no reply he looked toward the couch. Susannah was already asleep. Bill looked around for a blanket and didn't see one. He covered Susannah with his coat and went back to his house hunting.

*****

Tom had not woken up for hours. For the past hour his sleep had become restless. Viki was with him. Sam had gone to the family lounge upstairs, on the psych unit, to take a nap. He was going to spend the night in the ICU so that Viki could spend it in the lounge where she could get some decent sleep. Viki was using the phone at the nurses station. "No, he didn't take the news well . . . he lashed out at us and then went inside . . . No. Actually he asked to go to Goodone. Susannah helped him . . . Yes, so do I, for now . . . Kevin, there is no point in you coming here . . . Honey, Tom was the last one out. Perhaps it's better if you don't come here . . . I know, but here in the ICU is no place to discover what his problem with you is . . . Yes, sweetheart, I'm fine . . . Yes, I had dinner and I'll be sleeping upstairs tonight . . . Tell editing I want them to have both articles ready by tomorrow . . . Yes, she left here about three-thirty and she was headed there . . . No, she hasn't. I think she said something about meeting with some clients tonight . . . Yes. So do I. She's missed Starr so much . . . Honey, I'm sure. You should try to get home early and get some sleep yourself. You shouldn't be working this late . . . Goodnight, sweetheart . . . Me too." Viki hung up the phone. "Thank you," Viki said to the nurse at the desk.

Viki sat next to Tom. She noticed his eyes moving rapidly under the closed lids. He moaned in his sleep. "Shhhh. It's all right, baby," Viki whispered in his ear and stroked his head. He suddenly sat straight up. He was gasping for breath. "Sweetheart, what is it?" His eyes were filled with terror. Perspiration beads appeared on his forehead. The monitor was going crazy. His heart rate was one-twenty.

Two ICU nurses rushed over to the bed. "Todd, you're in the hospital. You're safe." One of the nurses assured him.

"It might not be Todd," Viki whispered and then asked, "please get Doctor Hanen. She's in her office." The other nurse nodded and asked a third one to call Todd's psychiatrist.

"Todd, is that you?" Viki asked. He didn't respond. His eyes were glazed over and his breathing was becoming even more erratic. He held both hands to his throat.

"Todd, I need to take your blood pressure," one of the nurses said. She tried to pry his hand away. The attending showed up. "I can't get vitals on him unless we restrain him," the nurse said to the resident.

"No! Please wait for Doctor Hanen to get here," Viki pleaded. "I think he is having a nightmare. He is prone to them." The ICU staff did not feel comfortable with this. They wanted to assess him now.

"I didn't take it. I swear!" he cried out.

"Didn't take what, sweetheart? It's all right. No one thinks you took anything. Baby, you're in the hospital. You're safe. It's Viki. I'm right here with you."

Todd inched his way until he felt the headboard at his back. He raised his knees to his chest and cowered against it. He was becoming drenched in perspiration. His chest was so tight, wheezing sounds were emanating from his throat. He looked up and then ducked his head as he saw the shining buckle end of the belt coming at him. He lurched as he felt it cut into his flesh. Over and over again he lurched.

Bill picked up Susannah's phone on the first ring. "Hold on. I'll get her."

"Susannah. Susannah!" Bill shook her. Susannah looked startled for a second. "It's the ICU," Bill informed her. He handed her the phone.

"I'll be right down," Susannah said into the phone and handed it back to Bill. She hurried to put her shoes on. "Todd or whomever woke up in the throes of a nightmare," Susannah quickly explained. She hurried out of the office. Bill stayed behind. He would head down there later.

When the elevator didn't arrive quickly enough, Susannah took the stairs. She ran down the four flights.

"I DIDN'T TAKE IT!" she heard Todd scream as she entered the ICU. She heard the monitor and looked at it. She saw his heart rate was way too high.

"We haven't sedated him. His sister says he has these kinds of nightmares all time. Right now he really needs some help in calming himself. We have to do vitals on him," the attending stated.

Susannah turned to him. It sounded like Todd. She wasn't sure. She saw Viki looked pale and frightened. "It'll be all right. I think you're right. He's having a nightmare. I don't' think it's his heart." "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. We know you didn't take it. It's all right. I want you to try to slow down your breathing." Todd ducked his head and lurched again. He had curled up into a trembling ball. "Todd, you're having a bad dream. I want you to wake up now!" Susannah spoke firmly. Susannah heard the familiar involuntary cry and immediately knew Todd was going into another seizure. They quickly pulled him down from the headboard and turned him on his side. Todd seized for three minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Then his body rested quietly. His breathing returned to normal. They did vitals on him. His heart rate and blood pressure were near normal as was his respiration. They started to clean him up.

Viki grabbed Susannah's arm. "Is he going into status epilepticus again?" she cried.

"I don't think so. There is no indication this was anything more than a single seizure. Shhh." Susannah rubbed Viki's back. She saw that Viki was trembling. "Come on, let's go outside and sit down."

"No! I'm not leaving," Viki insisted. "What if he starts having another seizure!"

"We'll be right outside and can be back in here in seconds. Viki, come on." Susannah gently tugged on Viki's arm. "They have to get him cleaned up." Viki hesitated for a moment and then allowed Susannah to lead her to the waiting area right outside the ICU. "Viki, is Sam in the lounge on seven?" Viki nodded. "Okay, stay here. I'll be right back. I'm going to ask them to get Sam down here." Susannah was back in a minute.

"Are you sure he's not having status epilepticus again? It started with a single seizure last time too." Viki looked desperately at Susannah.

"I can't say for sure, but status epilepticus is not common. Having more single seizures is. Viki, we told you there is a chance he would continue to have seizures until he's at therapeutic level with the Dilantin. Stress can trigger seizures and the nightmare may have been the cause. Most seizures are not a sign that he is going into status epilepticus. I know what happened last time is fresh in your mind and you are terrified right now, but panicking every time he has a seizure is not healthy for you or for him."

Viki started to calm down a little. "What if he does start having multiple seizures again?"

"We are prepared. Todd is still on seizure precautions. If that should happen the staff knows how to handle it. He will be given the same meds he was given last time. This time we know what is causing it. We know Todd does not have anything life threatening causing the seizures. If he continues to seize we will stop it. He'll be okay." Susannah's voice was calm and steady. Viki continued to calm down.

A disheveled Sam hurried off the elevator and ran to Viki. Viki fell into Sam's arms the minute she saw him. "He had another seizure. He had a nightmare and then a seizure," she cried.

Sam held her tightly. He looked at Susannah. "What does this mean? Is he worse? Is he having the same thing he had yesterday?"

"Most likely, no," Susannah replied.

"MOST LIKELY!" Sam shouted. Susannah repeated what she had told Viki. "So, you're saying it's normal for him to be having a seizure under the circumstances?"

"No. Having seizures is never normal. I am saying that it is not unusual and nothing to become frightened about, under the circumstances. His vitals returned to normal very quickly. The seizure followed its stereotypic path. Meaning it is almost identical to the first one Todd had."

"Did he have that aura first . . . the odd taste and smell?" Sam asked.

"He probably did. He was not coherent and may not have noticed or couldn't say if he did. The aura is actually a simple partial seizure. What Todd is having is a partial seizure with rapid secondary generalization . . . meaning it started in one part of his brain and rapidly became generalized . . . affecting the whole brain. It led to the tonic-clonic seizure."

"Do you think we should call Téa and Blair?" Viki asked Sam.

"No. We can't alert the whole family every time he has a seizure. If, God forbid, it becomes serious again, we'll call them," Sam responded. Viki nodded in agreement. "Is he going to be in that postictal state for a while?" Sam asked Susannah.

"Yes, it may not be as long as last time because he went into status epilepticus last time. Also it may differ because I believe it was Todd who was out this time and he may react differently than Thomas did."

"Will this delay his stay in ICU?" Viki inquired nervously.

"Not if it remains a single seizure and he's stable. There is no reason for someone who has epilepsy to even be hospitalized, unless there are complications. He will not have to go to a step down unit this time. He should still be able to go back to his own room tomorrow."

Sam and Viki were relieved to hear that. They would be more relieved when they were sure this was definitely a single seizure. "Can we go back in and see him now?" Sam posed.

"Let me see if they are finished cleaning him up," Susannah declared. She headed for Todd's bed. She came out a couple of minutes later. "He's all clean and doing well. His vitals are good . . . come." Susannah held out her arm and then stepped back to allow them to walk ahead of her. Todd was on his left side. The cardiac monitor beeped in an even reassuring rhythm. Viki looked up at the IV. "It's only dextrose. He is not getting any IV anticonvulsant," Susannah assured them.

Sam kissed Todd's forehead. "You're gonna be fine, Boomer. I promise."

Viki took his hand. "We'll keep you safe, sweetheart. You don't have to be afraid."

Todd moaned softly. It had only been twenty minutes since his seizure ended. His eyes fluttered open. He reached out and felt the padded side rails. "What?" He was confused.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?"

"My head hurts," he moaned. His words were slurred again, only not as much as last time. "My hand and leg feel funny." He said slowly.

"What do you mean by funny?" Susannah pressed.

"Like they fell asleep."

"They feel numb?" Susannah restated.

"Yeah, numb," Todd confirmed. Sam and Viki exchanged looks. "I'm really tired. Tell Briggs I'm going home for a while," Todd commented. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

"Susannah?" Viki looked frightened.

"He's fine. He's confused and that's to be expected."

"Why are his arm and leg numb?" Sam questioned.

"That can sometimes happen. It should go away soon. It does seem that Todd is experiencing a slightly different postictal state than he, or whoever that was, experienced last time. Of course that may have been because of the status epilepticus. It also might just be that the alters and Todd experience seizures as differently as they react to medication."

"He seemed more alert when he woke up this time," Sam observed.

"Yes, he was. He was also calmer," Susannah confirmed.

Bill came down to the ICU. Susannah told him Todd was had another seizure and was doing all right. Bill went in to say hello and offer support to Sam and Viki. They were happy to see him. He patted Todd's shoulder. "I hear you're doing great."

"Yeah, he's a fighter," Sam commented. The sadness in Sam's voice belied his words.

Bill could tell he was terrified for his boy. "If either of you need anything, anything at all, you know you can call me anytime," Bill told Viki and Sam. They both thanked him.

"I'll walk you out," Susannah offered. "Thank you for the dinner and the nap. Both were very much appreciated," Susannah whispered. She kissed Bill goodnight.

"Pleased to be at your service, Doctor Hanen," Bill gently stroked Susannah's hair. "Is he really going to be all right?" Bill asked.

"I don't think he's going into status epilepticus again. Just in case I think I'll . . ."

"Spend the night on my couch," Bill said along with her. "Do you want some company? Someone to listen for the phone or beeper?" Bill offered.

Susannah loved having someone to depend on that way. At the same time it made her uncomfortable. It had never been the way she lived her life. She never needed anyone for anything. Not even when, during her internship, she had broken her ankle skiing. She refused all offers of help or an easier load. She hobbled around, but she did her job. Expecting nothing less from herself, she did it in her usual top-notch fashion. "Thank you, Bill. I'm fine. That nap did me a world of good. I think that even if I fall asleep I won't have any problem hearing the phone or my beeper. There's no point in both of us spending the night in the hospital." Susannah could see that Bill was actually a little disappointed. "Not, that I wouldn't love your company," she added.

Bill realized that needing him might be causing her to panic a little, so he pulled back. "That's okay. If you change your mind I'm just a phone call away."

"Don't tempt me, Commissioner Jackson. Don't tempt me."

Bill took her hand. "Call me in the morning."

"I will. I'm really looking forward to meeting your children," Susannah remarked. The elevator came just as Susannah got those words out. She sadly watched the door close.

*****

Téa looked at the clock on the wall of her office . . . ten-twenty. Her last client had just left. She was dead tired. She sat back for a few minutes and thought about her visit with Starr. It seemed unreal that, after all this time, she finally got to be with her little girl again. She could not get over how Starr had grown and progressed in school. She hoped Blair would relent and allow Starr to have more visits with Todd's side of her family. Téa knew how important it was to feel a part of family. She wanted that for Starr. She wanted that for Todd and she wanted that for herself.

Téa sighed. She longed for the hot bath she planned on taking when she got back to her hotel room. She gathered her things and turned out the lights and headed out the door.

"Hey Téa!"

She looked up, startled. Kevin's car was parked right in front of her storefront office. He was leaning against it. "Kevin, what are you doing here?"

"I saw the light and it was such a beautiful night I thought you might like to enjoy a little of it," Kevin proclaimed.

Téa took a second to look at the sky. It was crystal clear and hundreds of stars appeared to sparkle above her. "I hadn't noticed. It is a lovely night," Téa agreed.

"Have you had anything at all to eat?" Kevin inquired.

"I stopped for a frozen yogurt on my way here from the penthouse."

"I would love to hear all about your visit with Starr and I just happened to hit the mall before it closed and I have some great cheese, bread and salads . . . not to mention a bottle of a very nice wine. I thought we could go to the park and have a bite and you could tell me how Starr is doing. Then I could bring you back here to get your car."

Téa was tempted. She really was eager to tell someone all about her visit with Starr. She had hoped to leave early enough to go to the diner and tell Carlotta. Unfortunately, by now, the diner was closed. She knew Carlotta had to be up at the crack of dawn to open for breakfast, besides, Téa was tired she wanted to get home, call the hospital, have that bath and get to bed. "Thanks Buchanan, but I think I'm going to hit the sack early. It's been a hard day . . . wonderful, but hard."

Kevin reached into his car and pulled out the fresh, crusty bread. He held it under Téa's nose. "I haven't even told you about the dessert yet."

"I'm really tired Kevin," Téa said. She hesitated and asked. "What did you get for dessert?"

"Tiramisu." "Oooh. You don't play fair, Buchanan. All right. One hour. I mean it Kevin. One hour! I really want to get home."

Téa filled Kevin in on the latest news about Todd. She told him about Rocky. She told him about the things that Peter taught his son about women.

"Yeah, I remember the Neanderthal attitude Todd had toward women back in college. I always thought Todd was being such a jerk, and he was. I just never knew why. That son of a bitch! Even when he was being friendly to Todd he was destroying him. Man, Todd is so messed up in so many ways. I wonder if he'll ever be all right. Sometimes it just doesn't seem possible," Kevin stated sadly.

Even though she had wondered the same thing, this was not what Téa wanted to hear. "Not only is it possible. It will happen. Todd doesn't need that kind of an negative attitude, Kevin!"

Kevin heard the anger in Téa's voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound negative," he apologized. Then he felt he had to add, "you have to face reality, Téa. The white picket fence and all that goes with it may not be in Todd's future."

"Don't you think I know that! I don't care. As long as Todd gets well enough to come home, I'll take him any way I can get him. I won't allow myself to be abused, but I don't expect wine and romance every day either. I know Todd will most likely always have problems that most people don't have. I will help him through them." What Téa didn't add was that she knew, in his own way, Todd has and would help her work through her own problems as well.

Kevin had been so wrapped up in his conversation; he did not notice the black Honda that had been following his car. He didn't notice it pull into the park's parking lot shortly after he pulled his car into a spot either. Kevin and Téa were surprised to see they weren't the only ones to desire a late night picnic on this beautiful spring night. There were a few other people out enjoying the night.

Téa hadn't realized how hungry she was. As she was polishing off second helping of bread and her third helping of cheese, she could not contain the excitement in her voice as she spoke of Starr. "You should see her. She is so beautiful. I think she's going to be tall, like Todd and Blair. She's as smart as a whip."

Téa and Kevin laughed over some of the clever things Starr had said and marveled at the little girl's wisdom. At one point they toasted the child. "To Starr," they both said, raising their glasses. Téa's eyes became sad. She wished it were Todd she was discussing Starr with. She wished it were she and Todd laughing over the cute things Starr said, instead of laughing with Kevin. She also knew that any happiness Starr felt was tempered with the sadness she felt over missing her father. Kevin noticed the change in Téa's mood.

"What is it? Téa?"

"She misses him so much, Kevin. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I know Blair is doing a good job with her. I can admit that, but the light in her eyes that was there when she was with Todd has vanished. I think she understands a lot more than we're giving her credit for. She hides her feelings like Todd does. I'm worried about her. She told me she always thought all daddies were as loving to their children as Todd is to her and Andrew is to River. Now she knows differently. She shouldn't have to know that. At her age she should still be able to believe that this world is good and safe." Téa started to cry. Kevin put his arms around her.

Jerry Skinner smiled as he stood behind a tree. He made sure you could see the romantic setting of the park in the background, as he had made sure with the pictures he had taken of them eating, laughing and clinking their wine glasses together. He took a few more pictures. 'Ahh Téa, Kevin, you're making this too easy,' he thought to himself.