Téa approached Todd's bed. "Did you hear that, mi corazon? You're doing great. Everything is going to be all right. You just have to take this new medicine and you'll be fine." Téa burst into tears. "Oh, Todd. I'm so sorry. I did this to you. I gave you this additional problem. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. I wish I had known how ill you were. I should have. We all should have. You have been screaming out for help for as long as everyone has known you and we never heard you. You frightened me so much that night. I didn't know what you were capable of. You frightened me! You hurt me. I wanted to stop you. You were so out of control . . ." Téa put her hand to her mouth to hold back a sob. "I was also so angry with you. You took away every dream I had for us that night and I wanted to hurt you too." This time it was Téa who kissed Todd on the lips. "I'm sorry, mi amor. I'm so sorry." Téa stroked Todd's head one more time and left to go tell Sam and Viki she was going to work. Téa was already out the door when Todd started to move slightly. Without making a sound, his lips formed the word, "Téa."

*****

Todd felt so strange. He felt as if he were trying to find his way in a fog as thick as pea soup. A part of him wanted it to clear. A part of him wanted to surrender to it and go back to the place where he saw, heard and felt nothing. As awareness won out, Todd felt his head hurting. He felt slightly nauseated. Individual words, not sentences, came to him. Frightened . . . Stop . . . Angry . . . Sorry . . . Forgive. Todd felt as if someone had kissed him. It terrified him. He knew he wasn't worthy of anyone's affections and whoever kissed him would end up hating him and leaving him for disappointing him or her. Todd heard a distant voice calling to him. He desperately wanted to get to that voice. He was overwhelmed with fear that once he got to the voice, it would turn him away. Still, he tried to fight his way through the fog and get to the voice he heard. Finally, overcome with fear and exhaustion, he succumbed to the fog. A nurse noticed his restlessness as she was standing over him. She saw that he appeared to be struggling to come out of sedation. When it was apparently too much for him, he fell back into troubled sleep. She heard him call to someone before he did. She heard him call, "Téa."

*****

Todd slept for another ninety minutes. Viki and Sam were still resting in the lounge. Kevin had brought breakfast to Sam and his mother and then, at Viki's insistence, headed for the Banner. Viki promised him she would get him immediately if there were any problems or if Timmy surfaced. "Someone has to watch the store," she told Kevin, half jokingly.

Susannah had been called and told Todd was moving around more and moaning every now and then. She sat next to his bed waiting for him to wake up. She knew he would still be really out of it. After all his brain had been through and all the drugs he'd been given in the past two days, it would take time for him to really come back. She wondered if it would be Todd or the child version of Todd who woke up.

Before he said a word, Todd rolled over onto his back and reached up. He felt his head and face and then his hands and arms. He felt strange. He wanted to see if he were real and if he were alive. When he got to the IV he panicked.

Susannah quickly took his hands. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're safe. You have an IV in your arm. That's nothing to be afraid of. It's not hurting you, is it?" He shook his head. "If I let go of your hands do you promise not to pull on the IV?" Susannah asked.

He nodded. Todd felt around to try to establish his whereabouts. "Am I in bed?" he whispered.

"Yes. You're in bed," Susannah acknowledged.

"My head hurts," he again whispered.

"I can get you some medication for that," Susannah informed him.

"No! I don't want drugs," he said firmly, like Todd, not like the child who was there yesterday, begging not to be medicated. His speech was still very slightly slurred, but nothing like it had been after to loading dose of Cerebyx.

"Todd, I need to look at your eyes with my penlight. It won't hurt. I need to touch your forehead. Is that all right?" Susannah did not want him escalating.

He hesitated and then nodded. His pupils were equal and reactive. "How do you feel?" Susannah asked him.

"Weird."

"How so?" Susannah tried to get him to be more specific.

Todd shrugged. "It's confused and it's not real. I'm not real. I died and I'm not real anymore."

His statement surprised Susannah. Not so much because of what he said, but because of the clarity of his emotions and his ability to express them. Susannah motioned one of the nurses over. "Can you please send someone to the lounge area and have them get his sister and Sam Rappaport?" The nurse asked one of the techs to let Todd's family know he had woken up.

"Todd, you are very much alive and real. Why do you say you died?"

"I did. I died in Ireland. I died when that cop shot me and when Powell stabbed me. I can't even get that right!" Todd joked bitterly.

"No, Todd. You didn't die. You were very strong. You fought back and you survived."

"My mistake," Todd remarked coldly.

Susannah could see by the queasy expression on his face that Todd felt sick. "Do you feel like you need to throw up?" she asked.

He did, but he fought it. Todd had always felt frightened when he threw up and he never understood why. He turned over on his side and pulled his knees to his chest. He reached out and called for Viki. "She's on her way, Todd. Both Viki and Sam will be here in a minute."

In the seconds it took Todd to realize Viki was not in the room with him, panic set in. "She went away, didn't she? She and Sam are disgusted with me and they left me forever."

"Todd. Viki and Sam are just down the hall. I sent someone to get them and they will be here in a few seconds."

He didn't believe her. He tried to get out of bed and felt the padded side rails. He immediately realized that something was different. "This isn't the same bed!" he cried out. "Sam and Viki sent me far away from them. They sent me to a different loony bin."

Viki and Sam entered the ICU in time to hear Todd's last statement. They were pretty sure it was Todd and rushed over to Todd's bed.

"Sweetheart, we're here," Viki immediately assured him.

"It's okay, pal. You're in the same hospital," Sam comforted.

Susannah held up her hand. She motioned for them stop talking for a minute. "Todd, can you tell me who just spoke to you?"

Todd looked frightened and confused. Then he seemed to calm down. "Viki, Sam, is that really you?"

Susannah smiled. She was happy that Todd was oriented to person. His disorientation to place and time was understandable, given his blindness and constant dissociations.

"Yes, sweetheart. We're right here with you. We're never going to leave you."

"It's not the same bed," Todd whimpered. At first they didn't realize what he meant. Then they understood. They looked to Susannah for guidance.

"Todd, you are still at Llanview Hospital. You're in a different room."

"Was I too crazy for the other loony bin?" he asked seriously.

"No." Susannah lowered the side rail and sat down next to him. Cautiously, she stated, "you're in the ICU, Todd."

He looked stunned for a moment. Then he declared. "That's where you go if you're dying."

Viki took his hand. "No. Oh, Todd. No. Sweetheart. You're not dying."

"No, of course you're not, Boomer. You're doing very well." Sam set him straight.

Todd was not sure if he believed them. He was relieved and at the same time disappointed that he wasn't dying. He became suddenly fearful. "Did I hurt myself again? Did I try to hurt someone else and they hit me?"

"No. Not at all," Susannah assured him. She started to explain. "You're in the ICU because you had a seizure. Do you know what a seizure is?"

Todd's brain was not able to make a connection to the word. It sounded familiar, but he had forgotten its meaning. He shook his head.

Susannah slowly explained. "Our brain's use electrical impulses to process information. For instance, you see an item on the table and you want to pick up. This gives your brain one signal. Now another electrical impulse is triggered and that tells your hand to pick up the item. Do you understand what I just explained to you so far?"

Todd thought for a minute. He understood what Susannah was saying in abstract terms. He was not applying it to himself. He nodded.

Susannah continued. "The brain cells work together by means of electrical signals. Sometimes, something interferes with these signals. There is a temporary short circuit and the electrical charges in the brain misfire. This short circuit causes the body to become confused because the brain is sending out incorrect signals. These signals cause a person to have a seizure." Susannah paused again and asked Todd if he understood.

Todd thought about what she said. Then he made the connection and remembered what his interpretation of a seizure was. "You mean a fit? You mean this happens to me!" He began to panic.

"Todd, listen to me. You have a seizure disorder. It's called Post Traumatic Epilepsy."

"NO! I don't wanna have that! Viki, Sam!" Sam and Viki both held him. "Please! I don't wanna have that," Todd begged. His childlike belief that Viki and Sam could make the bad things go away touched them deeply.

"Baby, I know you don't." Viki rocked him.

"I know that sounds frightening, but it can usually be controlled by medication. We are giving you a medication called an anticonvulsant. That will help to control the seizures," Susannah gently explained.

"NO! NO DRUGS! I DON'T WANT ANY MORE DAMN DRUGS. I WON'T TAKE THEM!" Todd shrieked.

"Pal, listen to me. We'll see you through this. I swear. It'll be all right," Sam soothed.

"NO!" Todd shrieked. Then his voice turned low. He sounded hopeless and full of despair. "It won't be all right. Nothing is ever all right for me. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Every time I wake up something horrible happened to me. Now you tell me I have fits like a dog with rabies! What do I do? Do I run around in circles and foam at the mouth?"

"No," Susannah stated firmly. She hated the misconceptions people had about epilepsy. "Todd, listen to me."

"No! I don't wanna listen to you! And I don't want any more drugs! I got this cause I'm here in the hospital. I must have caught it off of someone."

"No, honey. You don't catch epilepsy. It's not a disease. It is not brain damage. It is not in your blood. Todd, it's a disorder and millions of people have it. You may have known many epileptics in your life and you didn't realize it because their seizures were under control. You can't tell someone is an epileptic by looking at them. Todd, having this makes you no different from anyone else with a medical problem."

Todd shook his head. "I have always been different from everyone else," he cried out. "I have always been a freak to everyone. This is just one more disgusting thing about me that everyone can hate and make fun of."

"No one hates you or is making fun of you. No one!" Sam emphasized the last two words.

"It's them. They're doing this to me," Todd stated. His voice filled with panic.

"Who do you think is doing this to you?" Susannah pressed.

"Those kids that you say run around in my head."

"No, your alters are not doing this to you. No, one did this to you. Todd . . ."

He cut Susannah off. "Then it's the Buchanans. They did something to me. They want to keep me here. First they made you think I have all these people running around inside me and now they made you think I have this."

"Todd, you need to listen to me," Susannah calmly stated.

Todd was having none of it. "They're paying you to do this to me, aren't they? They couldn't put me in jail so they'll settle for this. They get you to drug me and then tell me I have all these things." Todd reached out wildly for Viki. "Viki, please! I didn't kill Georgie. I swear I didn't. Please! Make them stop hurting me. Sam, please! I'll go to Canada. I won't bother anyone. Please take me out of here. PLEASE!"

Todd's desperate cries cut right through them. Sam pulled Todd to him and held him tightly. "Todd, I swear. No one is trying to hurt you."

Viki took his face in her hands. "Sweetheart, it's true. We would never let anyone hurt you. Please, just calm down and let Doctor Hanen explain."

Suddenly Todd pulled away from Viki and tried to pull away from Sam. "LET GO OF ME! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU VIKI AND I HATE YOU SAM!" Susannah could see the pain etched in Viki and Sam's faces. Todd broke down and began sobbing. "Why won't you let me die? Why do you wanna torture me this way? Is it because of Kevin?"

"Kevin? Sweetheart what does Kevin have to do with it?" Viki didn't understand.

"Because he was accused of rape on count of me. Do you still hate me for that? Is that why you want me to suffer?"

Viki swallowed hard. She couldn't believe he would think such a thing. "No. Todd I love you. I love you more than anyone on the face of the Earth. It kills me to see you suffer."

"THEN LET ME DIE!" Todd screamed. "I'll find a way, Viki . . . even here . . . . with them watching me all the time . . . I'll find a way . . . Everything has always been so hard for me . . . my whole Goddamn life. Can't you make this one thing easy for me? Let me die. I hate it here. I don't belong here. I was a mistake. Just let me fix the mistake. Please! PLEASE! PLEASE!" Todd was shrieking at the top of his lungs. ICU staff members stood by, tensely, waiting for instructions from Susannah.

Susannah hated to do it. She had no choice. She gave them an order for a sedative. She tried one that would hopefully calm him without putting him back to sleep. Todd continued to scream and beg to die as a nurse injected the medication into his IV. It took hold quickly. His muscles started to relax. His anger and fear had lessened. They had not gone away entirely. He lay on his side, whispering, "Let me die," and "I hate you."

Susannah knew he had shut down and was not receptive to any more information about his condition right now. "I'm cold," he mumbled. Susannah pulled up an extra blanket from the foot of the bed. She covered him with it. Todd wanted to feel the way he sometimes was able to remember feeling. Each time he came out he remembered more and more what that good safe feeling felt like and he craved it. He wanted to feel the warmth and the love and safety of Goodone's arms. He still had no idea how to get to those feelings. He wanted to make it happen and couldn't. He reached up and hit his head, hard, trying to make it happen.

Susannah held on to his hands. "Todd, you need to stop that," she told him gently, but firmly.

"Make it happen!" he pleaded. He remembered that Susannah had helped him to get to those arms before.

"Make what happen?" Susannah asked.

"Make me go away. I want to get to him." They knew he was talking about Goodone.

Susannah hesitated. She wanted Todd to stay around in the hopes he would be willing to learn more about his disorder. However, she knew that he wasn't ready. "All right, Todd. Shhhh. Let me try to help you. Try to relax all your muscles." Susannah spoke in a soft and soothing monotone.

Slowly, Todd's body became very relaxed. His eyes became glassy. They watched in awe as Todd held out his arms and then hugged himself tightly and smiled. They knew he was in Goodone's arms. Sam bent over and kissed him on the forehead.

His eyes came into focus. "Hey Coach," Tom smiled.

"Hey, Boomer." Sam hugged Tom to him.

Tom looked around and tried to get his bearings. He looked anxious and confused. Tom's speech was also slightly slurred. His face brightened again when he saw Viki and Susannah. Then he looked around the room some more. His anxiety increased drastically. Tom's chin and lower lip quivered. "Is this a different place?"

"You are still in Llanview Hospital. This is a different part of it. You've been here before, Tom. It's called the ICU," Susannah explained. She hoped he wouldn't become as upset as Todd had been.

"I don't remember," Tom whimpered. Then it came to him. "It hurt a lot the last time I was here. Is it gonna hurt again?" He cowered against the headboard.

"No, honey, not at all. Nothing is hurting you now is it?" Susannah asked.

Tom shook his head. He noticed the IV and became frightened. "Coach, Viki, there's a needle in my arm. Take it out." He turned to Susannah. "Doctor Hanen, take it out! I don't like it!" A tear slid down his cheek.

Susannah sat down next to him. "Tom, you need fluids. That solution in there," Susannah pointed to the bag of normal saline hanging on the pole, "is just salt water. It won't hurt you." See . . . it goes into this tube and then into the needle in your arm. That way you don't have to get stuck."

"I don't like to take medicine,” Tom whined.

"I know, but it's important that you get this. If you just leave the IV alone it won't hurt."

Tom thought for a second. "Okay, but if it starts to hurt will you take it away?"

"If it starts to hurt we will make it stop hurting," Susannah promised. Tom seemed to accept that.

"I feel kinda weird," Tom complained.

"In what way do you feel weird, sweetheart?" Viki asked.

Tom shrugged. "Kinda tired and far away . . . like everything is reeeeal slow. You know . . . weird," he tried to explain.

"Tom, Todd was out right before you and he became very upset and he got some medicine to help him relax. Children react differently to medication than adults do, so it may be making you feel a little weird."

"I always feel bad so Todd don't have to. It's okay," Tom commented sadly.

Tom looked up at Sam and Viki. "How come I'm not in my real room?"

Viki and Sam looked to Susannah for guidance. She nodded, letting them know she was going to explain. "Honey, I need to explain something to you and I need you to listen carefully. Do you feel awake enough to do that right now?" Susannah inquired.

Tom sat cross-legged and pulled himself closer to the headboard. He looked up at Susannah, innocently, giving her his full attention.

Susannah sat next to him, as she had with Todd. She started off by explaining, "Tom, do you know that our brains control most of the things our body does?"

"My brain's all mixed up. Is that why my body gets all mixed up and sick?" Hearing Tom's words broke Sam and Viki's heart.

"Tom, that's a different kind of mixed up. You get confused sometimes because it's hard to remember that dreams and memories aren't real," Susannah clarified.

"Real hard!" Tom agreed. Suddenly he remembered. He looked at his wrist. They knew what was coming next. Tom panicked. "Where's my watch!"

"It's safe, Boomer. It's in your room. Do you want me to go get it?"

"I want you to stay with me." Tom was getting upset.

"Tom, I'll send someone to get your watch. They'll bring it right down to you. Sam doesn't have to leave."

Susannah went to the nurses station and asked one of the techs to please retrieve Tom's watch. She returned to his side and sat down next to him again. "Tom, some of the things our brains controls are things like the way our muscles move to make our arms and legs move."

"My brain makes me clumsy," Tom confessed. He hung his head down in shame.

"Sweetheart, you're not clumsy. All children drop things," Viki pointed out. She caressed his cheek.

"My dad says I'm the clumsiest thing on two legs." He continued to look down at the blankets. He felt ashamed. Tom suddenly remembered something and looked up. "I got clumsy in front of Téa. Is she real mad at me?"

"No, Boomer. Téa is not mad at you at all, not at all," Sam assured him.

"Téa brought me pancakes and I spilled them. I made a big mess. She can beat me if she wants. Will that make her like me again?" Sam and Viki couldn't believe he just said that.

"Sweetheart, Téa loves you. She would never beat you or hurt you in any way," Viki stated firmly.

"That's right, Boomer. Téa would never hurt you. No one will ever beat or hit you again. Never!" Sam swore to him. Viki and Sam were horrified that he still believed that he wasn't safe.

"I bet Kevin never spills nothin'," Tom muttered sullenly.

"Baby, that's not true. Of course Kevin spills things. Everyone does. When Kevin was your age he spilled things all the time," Viki consoled him.

"Did he get beat or burned or both?" Tom asked.

"He wasn't punished at all. He didn't do it on purpose. Even if he had, he would never have been hurt in any way," Viki tried to get him to understand.

"Kevin's your son, right?" Tom wanted to make sure.

"Yes, sweetheart. Kevin is my eldest son."

"Don't you care about him?" Tom looked into Viki's eyes and asked.

"Of course I care about him. I love him very much." Viki was trying to understand what was going on with Tom.

"Then how come you didn't wanna straighten him out and make him a man?" Tom was clearly confused. Then he looked as if he had figured something out. "Oh I know. Kevin's dad was the one who disciplined him and tried to make him a man. Was his dad real big?"

"Tom . . . no . . . oh, sweetheart. Kevin's dad is a big man, but he never hit or hurt Kevin, not once."

Tom looked confused once again. "Maybe he did it while you were sleeping. Dads' like to teach you best when your mom is sleeping."

"No, baby. Clint, Kevin's dad, never hit him or burned him. Not when they were alone and not in front of anyone." Viki shook her head. Tom was so confused. He thought what Peter did to him happened to every child.

Tom's emotions were mixed over what Viki had just said. A part of him thought Kevin was lucky not to have to be hurt and a part of him felt sorry for Kevin, because his dad didn't care enough to try to "straighten him out." Then Tom decided that Kevin could not have been as bad or as clumsy as he was and maybe that's why he didn't have to be punished. He also thought that maybe that's why Téa liked Kevin better than she did him. He kept those thoughts to himself.

The memory of his last time out came back to him a little more. He remembered Frank being there and holding him. He turned to Susannah. "Is Frank gonna beat me? He saw me make a big mess."

"No. Frank would never, ever hurt you. No one here will. Honey, you are safe here." Susannah tried to impress this upon him.

Tom looked around for Frank and saw all the strange faces. They saw his shoulders rise and his body stiffen, in fear. "I don't know nobody . . .where's Frank . . . where's Terry . . . and Connie . . . and Dave? He looked around again. Carl's not here . . . and Marcia . . . and Nancy . . . and . . .” He stopped talking and started to tremble as it finally hit him that he was among strange staff members.

"Tom, remember I told you, you are in the ICU. There are different staff members here," Susannah explained. She held his hand.

"Frank is mad cause I spilled the food and made a big stupid mess. He don't like me no more. Him and Téa saw me be real clumsy. My brain is bad it's all mixed up and lopsided and makes me clumsy." Tom started to cry.

"Tom . . . Tom! Honey look at me." Susannah gently lifted his chin. His eyes met hers. They were filled with pain. "No one will ever be angry with you for spilling or dropping something here. Never! You will never be beaten or punished in any way. I promise you that. Frank likes you very much and cares very much about you. Téa loves you. Neither of them thinks you're clumsy."

Tom continued looked at her with pleading, innocent eyes. "They'll like me more if I'm good and let them beat me with a belt or burn me under the hot water or the stove and then take it like a man. They'd like me more if my brain wasn't all mixed up and it didn't make me clumsy." Tom hit himself on the head.

Sam grabbed his hand. "No, Boomer. Don't do that."

Tom's emotions seem to be much closer to the surface than usual. In one way it was a good thing because he was spilling emotions and feelings he usually kept bottled up, but it also disturbed them greatly to hear that he not only believed that they would hurt him, but also that because Peter Manning had twisted his perceptions so, he equated it with love and caring. Much the same way Andy equated being sexually abused with love.

Susannah had debated whether or not some of the staff from the psych unit should stay with Todd and his alters while they were in the ICU. The other times they were there they were too sick, physically, to need their own staff. This time was different. In the absence of seizures, they were physically as well as they were on their own unit. The ICU staff might not be enough to keep them from hurting themselves should they escalated. They would also not know much about handling any psychiatric emergency that might arise. "Tom, would you like it if Frank came to the ICU to visit you?"

For a second, Tom's face lit up. Then he became sad again. "He don't really wanna come. You're gonna make him. No one likes to just come to see just me."

"No, honey. That's not so. Frank cares very much about each one of you, individually. Frank didn't know you were going to be out, so he's not around right now. I know as soon as he hears you're here and that it's okay to come see you he will be very happy." After saying that, Susannah hoped that Frank was nearby.

Tom hung his head and then looked up shyly. "Is Téa coming to see me?"

"Viki put her arm around his shoulders and pulled him to her. "Oh, sweetheart. Do you have any idea how happy Téa is going to be when she finds out that you are here and you have asked to see her?"

Tom looked at Viki. His child's eyes were wide. He shook his head.

"Téa will be so happy, her heart will be singing," Viki informed him.

"Really! Téa's heart will be singing because she's happy to see me. Just me! She wants me to be the one to be here when she visits?"

"Yes. Téa loves it when you're here. She loves to spend time with you." Sam backed up Viki's statement.

They knew Téa had left only a short time ago and was busy at the office. They also remembered that she was going to see Starr at four. They knew she would have to head back to the hospital right now if she were going to get to spend some time with Tom.

Viki told Tom she was going to call Téa. He was a little anxious about her leaving. She explained that was the only way to let Téa know he wanted to see her. Viki couldn't use her cell phone anywhere near the ICU so she went to the far side of the circular ICU nurses station, where Tom would not be able to overhear her phone conversation, in case Téa couldn't make it.

The tech came back with Tom's watch. While Sam helped him strap it on, Susannah had them beep Frank.

*****

Téa was with a client when Viki called. She said she would cancel the rest of her afternoon appointments and be over as soon as she finished with the client sitting at her desk. Téa knew some of her clients were becoming upset with her frequently canceling appointments or asking them to schedule very late or very early ones. She hated disappointing them. She knew they didn't have many options and needed her free services. Luckily, Téa had been very persuasive in enlisting some of her colleagues and many of them saw her clients on a pro bono basis. Still, Téa knew she was letting them down. She was torn, but being there for Todd or any of the alters was her top priority. She had wasted too many months away from Todd. Téa would let nothing stand in her way of being with him now.

*****

Frank called the ICU within minutes of being beeped. He was afraid something had gone wrong and Todd was in trouble. He was relieved to hear that he was doing well and pleased to hear that Tom wanted to see him. He told Susannah he was in his yard soaking up some early spring sun with his children and he would be there in about forty-five minutes. Frank looked at his two sons playing on the lawn. They were so happy and carefree . . . the way children should be. He could no more imagine Todd ever being that way then he could imagine what it felt like to live on another planet.

"Boys," Frank called his sons over. They ran to him. "Daddy has to go to work for a little while, but when I come back we'll do something fun."

"Aw, Daddy," they both protested. They thought their father would have the whole day off. "Why do you have to go to work?" the younger eight-year-old asked.

Frank sat down on the grass. He pulled them both next to him and held an arm around each child's waist. "Daddy works with a little boy who's very sick and he's feeling really bad right now and needs me to spend a little time with him. I love spending time with you guys most of all, but I'm asking you if it's all right if I go spend a little time with this boy."

Both boys nodded. "Is the little boy going to get better?" his ten-year-old asked.

"I hope so. He has a lot of people who are hoping he will and who are helping him, and he's trying very hard to get better."

"Don't worry," his younger son said to the older one. "Daddy will help make him all better. Our daddy always makes everything all better."

Frank hugged his sons tightly and then walked them back into the house. He told his wife he was heading to the hospital and he went upstairs to change his clothes. Frank knew that Todd had never had anyone in his life that was able to make it "all better."

Both Susannah and Viki went to tell Tom the good news. Téa and Frank were coming just to see him.

A big smile covered Tom's face. He was happy they forgave him. He still wondered if they were going to change their mind and punish him for making a mess. He knew if they did, he would be ready for it. He always was. Like Todd, he desperately wanted to go away when the punishment started. Unfortunately, unlike Todd, he knew accepting punishment was his job and he had to stay around for "the hands" to dish out whatever punishment they felt he deserved.

Susannah knew there was some time before Téa or Frank got there and she wanted to try to get Tom to understand about the seizures. She was hoping, that like some epileptics, he would get some warning sign and be able to alert them. "Tom, I'd like to get back to what we were talking about a few minutes ago, okay?" Tom looked bewildered. He couldn't remember. "We were talking about how our brains' work," Susannah helped him out.

"Oh yeah," he acknowledged. He looked down again. He was feeling ashamed. "We were talking about my brain being all mixed up. I don't mean to be all mixed up and stupid and forget things and get clumsy. Honest I don't. My dumb ol' brain gets so mixed up. I don't mean it." Tom got teary again.

"Tom, you are not stupid. You are very smart and very talented," Viki stated firmly.

"Boomer, you are such a good artist and you're the best video game player in the whole world," Sam praised him.

He looked up at them with desperate eyes. "Really? You're not pretending."

"No. Never. Sweetheart, we always say that, even if you're not around," Viki assured him.

Tom wanted to believe that so much. He couldn't. He believed his confusion was a sign of stupidity. He was bothered by not being able to comprehend some things even some of the younger alters could understand, like not being able to tell time without his special watch "talking to him." He hated never being sure if it was now or then or being sure if his dad were alive or dead. He hated being weak and afraid and being called a wimp by Pete. He hated that sometimes he went away when being burned. He always felt that he was letting Todd down and not doing his job when that happened. He didn't know that Bad Boy came out during those times.

Sometimes, when Thomas became angry with Tom, he would tell him that Pete made fun of him behind his back and that everyone laughed at him. Tom hated that Pete and everyone knew he couldn't cope. All Tom wanted was to please everyone and to be a good boy. He wanted his beloved Coach to love him and want to be his father as much as he wanted to be Timmy and Andy's father. He wanted Viki, Susannah, Blair, and most of all Téa, to love him and be proud of him. He also missed pretending to be a daddy to Starr. 'We used to have so much fun together. I was a good pretend daddy,' he thought.

Tom wondered if he would ever be big and smart and fun to be with like Kevin. Then, maybe Téa would like him the best. Tom usually felt anger and jealousy when he thought of Kevin. These emotions were new to him and he found them terrifying. He couldn't understand how Todd, Pete, Thomas or any of them that felt anger or his dad could walk around so angry all the time. Tom hated feeling anger and jealousy. He knew it was not his job to feel those things. He was supposed to be the good one . . . the one who never got angry no matter what was done to him. It was his job to "take it." Now, with nothing to take, he felt lost and useless and even more stupid.

It was also hard for Tom to relinquish his place in the system to being the caretaker of Timmy. It had always been Tom's job to look after Timmy, even though Timmy was already in the system when Tom got there. Tom helped Miss Perkins out and played big brother to Timmy. Now, Timmy didn't need or rely on him as much when they were inside and Timmy almost never called for him when he was outside, like he used to. Timmy had Sam for a daddy, Kevin for a big brother and best friend and Andy for a best friend as well. Tears would well up in Tom's eyes when the thought of these things. Without a selfish bone in his body, Tom was genuinely happy for Timmy and he felt very guilty over feeling sad and left out because Timmy didn't seem to need him anymore.

When Tom thought about it, no one seemed to need him and that made him want to die. Even those feeling weren't as terrifying to him as feeling anger. Every time Tom thought about Téa liking Kevin more than she did him, it made him very angry. Tom could not handle anger. He turned it inward and it made him want to hurt himself. It made him want to be punished. These feelings were becoming more intense every time he came out. The thoughts in his "mixed up" brain were changing and he was scared to death. 'If they would just get it over with and punish me maybe all the bad feelings will go away?' Tom thought over and over again. He wished he were brave like Pete so he could do things to make them punish him.

Tom hated when the memories became real and he felt all the hurt all over again. At least then he felt a certain comfort in doing what he was meant to do. He also believed that, sooner or later, if he took enough beatings and burnings and other punishments his dad had to love him just a little or he would have given up on him complete and not tried to turn him into a man. Tom hoped that if he could become good enough and man enough maybe someday his dad would love him and be proud of him. Then sometimes he would remember his dad was dead and his confusion was profound. Unfortunately, Tom usually kept most of these feelings to himself.

"Tom, I was explaining to you that our brains tell our bodies to do most of the things they do. It tells it to pick up things and how to draw and talk and walk and speak and even how to play games. It tells how things taste and smell and feel and tells us to breathe." Susannah looked at him. He was listening intently. "Honey, do you have any questions so far?"

"Do our brains tell us if our dad's are dead or not?"

"Yes. Usually they do. Our brains have lots of different parts and each part is responsible for different things. Remembering if someone is alive or not is in the memory part of our brain and in the part that controls our emotions." Susannah saw he was having a hard time understanding. She was beginning to wonder, if like Timmy, the powerful medications were negiatively affecting his intellect or if it were his worsening depression. Susannah thought of an analogy that he might understand. "Honey, it's like a computer."

"I love computers!" Tom exclaimed. Tom was starting to invest more of an interest in the conversation.

"I know you do," Susannah smiled at him. "And you are great with computers. I'll bet someday you'll be able to teach me lots of things I don't know."

"I know a whole bunch of stuff about them, but not as much as Justin." Suddenly realizing what he said, Tom became anxious. "Uh-oh. Pete's gonna tell me I'm always opening up my big yap."

Viki and Sam were taken back by the knowledge that there were still more alters inside Todd. Susannah was not surprised. She knew with abuse that started as early as Todd's and was as severe and ongoing as his, having thirty or more alters was not uncommon. Unfortunately, it also meant that the struggle for a "normal" life for Todd was becoming a still more arduous journey. Susannah fully believed she could get Todd stabilized enough to live outside the hospital and get him to where he was able to function and take care of himself. Yet she sometimes wondered if too much damage had been done to him for him to ever attain what most would consider a normal life. Yes, he could certainly have a life with some normalcy in it and probably some carefree, happy moments . . . would he ever be able to really know happiness? . . . Would the baby who was handed over to Peter and Barbara Manning ever come back? . . . the first Todd . . . the core personality . . . the one who may have disappeared into the system and been put to sleep when he was little more than a baby. Was that Todd still alive in there somewhere? Susannah didn't know. The Todd she needed to help was the Todd they knew, the host Todd. He was the one who had been shattering for most of the body's existence. He was the one they had to save.

"Tom, it's all right to tell us about Justin," Susannah assured him.

"No. You're gonna get me in trouble. Pete don't like me to tell too much. He says I'm an idiot."

"Well, Pete is wrong. You are very smart and very special. You don't have to tell us about Justin if don't want to, but nothing bad will happen to you if you do. Maybe Justin has been waiting for someone to tell us about him so he can come out and say hello," Susannah suggested.

"Nah. Justin don't like to be around people too much. He's . . . " Tom searched for the word. "He's shy." Tom smiled at his ability to bring the word forward. "He's real shy and he feels funny around people."

"How old is Justin?" Susannah pushed.

"You sure I won't get in trouble?" Tom asked apprehensively.

"Yes, I'm sure," Susannah answered and tucked his hair behind his ears.

"He's eleven and he knows everything about computers and science and math. He's the best one. He got to go to school a lot for Todd and he always got A's and he was able to make all kinds of stuff with a chemistry kit. He even helped out when Todd wanted to build a . . ." Tom suddenly looked terrified. He was just about to say when Todd wanted to build a bomb. Before he could get the words out, he heard Pete's voice shout, "you say it and you're dead meat you little shit." Tom cowered against the headboard again.

"Honey, did something frighten you? Did someone say something to frighten you?" Susannah guessed from his expression.

"I don't want to talk about Justin no more." Tom's voice shook.

"Okay. We don't have to talk about him now. If you ever see him, can you tell him that we would like to meet him?"

Tom thought for a moment and he listened for more threats. When he didn't hear any he nodded in agreement to Susannah's request. Tom was starting to tremble slightly.

"Would you like the blanket wrapped around your shoulder, sweetheart?" Viki asked. Tom nodded. Viki lifted one of the blankets and placed it around him. He held it tightly closed, as much for security as for warmth. Sam put his arm around Tom's shoulders and held him close.

Susannah continued. "Do you want to hear more about how our brains are like computers?" Susannah believed Tom would know when he had enough and would let them know in some way. He nodded. Susannah posed a question. "What happens when you hit a key on a computer?"

"The computer does something, DUH!" Tom answered. They all smiled. Sam stroked Tom's head.

"That's right. Our brains are like the computer and when we touch, smell, see, feel or taste something it's like pressing a key on a computer. It tells our brain to do something."

"Cool!" Tom responded. He liked to think of his brain as a computer.

Susannah continued. "Parts of our brain are like the memory in a computer . . . "

"I know what that's called," Tom interrupted. "It called RAM. That means random access memory," Tom told them. He was obviously proud to have known that.

"That's very good, Boomer. You really know a lot about computers," Sam praised. He could tell from the big smile on Tom's face that he said just the right thing.

"Do you know how a computer learns and remembers things?" Susannah asked.

"Uh-huh. When you install something or when you save something it remembers."

"That's right. Our brains function very much like that. When we learn something it is like programming our brains to remember it. Only with people it can sometimes take learning something a few times before our brains remember."

"I don't learn so good sometimes," Tom sadly admitted.

"Some things are hard to learn, baby. A lot of us have to be taught things several times before we really know it." It killed Viki that this precious little boy thought so little of himself.

Tom looked into Viki's eyes. "Even people who don't have mixed up, stupid brains?"

Viki reached over and hugged him. "Yes. Everyone," Viki assured him.

"Okay. Now what do you think would happen if the computer's brain got the wrong information or the information you were trying to give it got somehow interrupted?" Susannah asked.

"It wouldn't do what you want it to or it would act weird."

"That's right, honey. If that happened would it be the computers fault?"

"Nope. It couldn't do what it was supposed to do because it got told wrong," Tom reasoned.

"Our brains are a lot like that. Sometimes something interferes with the way our brains are supposed to act. Our brains kind of short circuit and that can sometimes cause something called seizures to happen to us." Tom looked curiously at Susannah. "Tom, have you ever heard of seizures?" He shook his head. Susannah continued. "Seizures happen when something interrupts the electrical signals in our brain."

"That's silly. There's no 'lectric in our brains." Tom stopped and thought for a moment. "Do some people have to get plugged into the wall?"

His serious face and tone of voice made them smile.

"No. They don't," Susannah explained. "Our brains make their own electrical signals and just like a computer or anything that depends on a signal, if something interferes with that signal it can cause problems." Susannah looked at Tom. He was still attentive, so she went on. "Honey, Todd's brain was hurt a few times. Do you remember any of the times it was hurt?"

"I remember Todd's head hurt a lot of times. Sometimes mine too if I came out."

"One of the times Todd's head was hurt caused a little scar to form inside his brain. That little scar sometimes interrupts the electrical signals and causes Todd's body to have a seizure. It's called epilepsy and a lot of people have it." Susannah stopped and waited for a response.

"Will it make my body have a seizure too?" Tom asked calmly. He didn't appear to be anxious.

"It may. That's why I wanted you to know about it."

Tom stayed quiet for a minute as he absorbed what Susannah said. His anxiety level seemed to increase a little. "Does it hurt to have a seizure?"

"Not usually. Your brain makes you go to sleep when the seizure happens."

"What does the seizure make my body do?" They could tell he was becoming frightened.

"It makes the muscles contract," Susannah clenched her fist to demonstrate, "and relax," she opened her fist. "When that happens it could make you fall down and get stiff for a few seconds and then shake all over." Tom looked a little more frightened. "Honey, when you wake up from a seizure, you may feel very sleepy and confused for a while and if you do that's okay. It's normal to feel that way after a seizure. We will let you sleep for as long as you need to."

"My muscles feel like a fist sometimes. They get mad. I don't like to feel that," Tom confessed.

"Tom, it's normal to feel angry and when we do our muscles can get tense. That's not the same as a seizure."

"I don't like to be bad and get mad. I don't do it on purpose, honest!" He looked at Sam and Viki. "But everything gets all mixed up and I get mad sometimes, now." Tom looked down. He was ashamed of himself.

"Come're Boomer." Sam pulled Tom to him. "It's okay to get angry. We all get angry."

"At me?" Tears welled up in Tom's eyes.

"No, never, ever at you. Sometimes at some people, sometimes just at life."

"Huh?" Tom didn't understand.

"Sometimes things in life happen that we can't understand and it makes us mad."

"Like when it rains and you can't go outside to play?" Tom tried to understand.

"Yeah, something like that," Sam answered and gave Tom another hug.

"What kinds of things make you mad?" Susannah pressed.

Tom thought for a minute. He wanted to tell them Kevin made him mad, but he was afraid Viki would hate him because Kevin was her son. So instead he told them about other things that angered him. "When I can't do stuff cause I'm too stupid and when everything gets mixed up and I don't know how to unmix it."

"Tom, first of all, you are not stupid, not at all. You are very smart. Secondly, it is normal to become angry or frustrated when we can't do something. When you get mad, what does it make you feel like doing?"

"Hitting myself real hard. I hate me a whole lot." He hung his head again.

Susannah placed her hand under his chin and lifted his face to her. "How do you think you can help yourself not to feel so angry or not to hurt yourself?" Tom shrugged his shoulders. "You can try to calm yourself down by taking some deep breaths and counting to ten."

"I know how to count to a hundred," Tom volunteered.

"That's very good. You can count to more than ten if you like. Do you know some other ways you can help yourself?" He shook his head. "You can ask someone to hold you until the feelings pass or you can ask for some medicine to make you feel better."

"I don't want medicine!" Tom cried out.

"Honey, I know you don't like taking medicine, but sometimes it can make you feel a lot better."

"No! I don't want medicine." He started to cry.

Susannah knew that eventually they would all have to learn to accept medication, willingly. She didn't want to force the issue at this time. "I'm not giving you any meds now. Honey, it was just a suggestion." Sam rubbed his back. Tom calmed down. Susannah continued. "There's something else you can do if you get upset because you have trouble doing something. You can ask someone to show you how to do it. You can ask any of us as many times as you need to."

"NO! I can't do that!" Tom seemed horrified at the thought.

"What upsets you so much about asking someone how to do something?" Susannah pushed for more information.

"You'll think I'm stupid and make fun of me and hit me. You'll tell me you don't know how you got cursed with such a stupid child." Tom's lower lip quivered as the tears that welled up in eyes spilled down his cheeks.

"Oh, sweetheart. We would never think you were stupid for asking questions or asking how to do something. We would never think you were stupid at all, because you're not. You are the smartest little boy we have ever known." Viki spoke from her heart.

"I'm not as smart as Kevin. He's your real son and you think he's the smartest."

Viki reached over and took him in her arms. "I love Kevin very much and I think he is very smart, but you are smarter. I think you are smarter than anyone, and you know what?" Tom looked up at Viki with tear filled eyes and shook his head. "Kevin thinks you are smarter than anyone too."

"He does!" Tom was shocked.

"Yes, he does. Kevin wants to be friends with you very much, but he thinks you don't like him."

Sam didn't want Viki to push it. He knew why Tom had a problem with Kevin.

A part of Tom wanted Kevin to be his best friend too. He would sometimes see Kevin and Timmy together, from inside. He longed for that, but another part of Tom wished Kevin would go away so Téa wouldn't like him best. Tom also had some vague memories of Kevin being mean to Todd and Todd thinking bad things about Kevin. All of this confused him greatly. With this matter too, he chose to say nothing. "Am I gonna have seizures a lot?" Tom asked, changing the subject.

"I hope not, but if you do it's nothing to be afraid of. We will help you through it." Susannah was glad he was taking this calmly. "Tom, sometimes right before a seizure happens you may notice some things . . . like a funny taste or smell, or you may feel very tired or a little extra nervous or just plain weird. Now feeling any of these things doesn't mean you are definitely going to have a seizure. It may mean that you are. If you feel anything like that or feel different from the way you usually feel, in any way, will you promise to tell someone right away?" He nodded. "That's good, honey. It's very important to do that. You can tell anyone, me or any of the staff or Viki or Sam or anyone you are with, okay?" Susannah asked to make sure he was clear on this.

"If I tell, will anyone do something to hurt me? Will I get a shot!" The thought of it terrified him.

Susannah did not want him to become afraid to tell, so she danced around the issue. "If you tell us you feel any of those things, we will ask you to lie down in your bed and turn on your side. We may put up the side rails and pad them with sheets, the way they are now. We will ask you not to eat or drink anything for a little while. We will not do anything to you that hurts. We will keep you safe until the seizure stops."

"Will I still be able to get up and walk around and play?"

"Yes, sure you will. You will only have to stay in bed a little while and then if no seizure happens you can get up and play."

"Okay. I promise to tell someone if I feel extra weird." Tom agreed.

Sam pulled him back in his arms and rumpled his hair. Viki kissed him on the cheek.

Tom giggled. Then his expression turned serious. "Am I still gonna get Rollerblades?"

Viki had been hoping he had forgotten about that.

"Yes. You can still get them," Susannah promised, "but remember, you can only skate if you let two people hold on to you when you do."

"When can I get them?" Tom pressed.

Susannah didn't say anything yet. She didn't want him to get excited right now. She had already bought him a pair. She was just waiting for an appropriate time to give them to him. "Oh, I think once you're back in your own room and feeling a little better we can think about getting you on those skates."

Tom's face lit up. "Téa's gonna skate with me. She said so. She said she was just kidding about getting hurt,” Tom exclaimed. He turned to Sam. "Coach, will you come with us? Doctor Hanen says I gotta have two people."

"Sure I will, Boomer. I would love to help you skate."

"Wow! Did I hear you're going to get to go skating soon?" Frank asked as he approached Tom's bed.

"FRANK! You really did come to see just me." Tom's eyes filled with surprise and happiness.

"You bet I did, buddy. As soon as I got the all clear from the doc here I came right over." Tom reached out for a hug. Frank took him in his arms and held him tightly.

Frank had been a psych tech for almost fifteen years. Many patients had really gotten to him, but none had found their way into his heart the way Todd and his alters had. This patient was the one whom he took home with him at the end of the day. He knew he wasn't the only staff member to feel that way. He had seen what he felt in his heart in the eyes of his colleagues. He knew he wasn't the only one who needed to work out with a punching bag to dissipate the rage he felt toward Todd's father. More than once, his wife had seen the tears in his eyes when he found his mind drifting to Todd. He and the others had brought this up at some of staff meetings. Susannah made them promise to get some downtime and ask for a few days off if they felt overwhelmed. They all knew that burning out on a case like this was an occupational hazard, but so far none of them had taken her up on it. Like Frank, they enjoyed spending time with the alters and had nothing but fondness and admiration for Todd and his family. Knowing Todd made them all feel in awe of the human spirit.

"Frank, I got seizures cause my 'lectricity's no good cause my brain's mixed up. I gotta tell someone if I feel weird so I can lay down and . . ." Tom tried to remember the rest.

"Turn on your side so you can be safe until the seizure stops," Susannah helped him out.

"Yeah so I can be safe because the seizure makes my muscles mad."

Frank saw the pride in Viki and Sam's eyes as they heard Tom explain how he would help himself. In turn, they saw the affection for Tom in Frank's eyes. "Well, it seems that you really know how to take good care of yourself if you have a seizure. I am very proud of you," Frank praised him.

"So are we, Boomer. We are all very proud of you." Sam kissed the top of his head.

"Frank, look! I got my watch and Téa's gonna come to see just me too. Viki told her I was the one here and she said she wanted to come see me!"

"Téa cares a lot about you," Frank affirmed.

"We're gonna go skating when I'm back in my own room and Coach is gonna hold me cause I have to have two people hold me. You can come too." Tom looked at Susannah. "Frank can come too, can't he, even though that's three people?"

"Sure he can. Maybe we can even get him up on Rollerblades." Susannah looked at Frank and kidded.

"Don't think I can't." Frank looked down at his huge frame. "I'll have you know under all this is the body of a surfer boy." Frank smiled as he patted his stomach. He turned to Tom. "I would love to go skating with you and Sam and Téa." Frank loved seeing Tom smile from ear to ear.

Tom's exuberance suddenly turned to sadness. "You don't have to if you're still mad at me. You can hit me first."

Frank was shocked. "Tom, I'm not mad at you. I would never, ever, hit you, not ever."

'He don't really care about me,' Tom thought to himself, but said, "Okay. Then I guess we can skate together." They all noticed some of the joy had gone out of Tom's eyes.

Susannah, Sam and Viki went to have some lunch while Frank visited. Tom was a little uneasy about their leaving, although he didn't panic. Susannah explained that in the ICU, not too many visitors were allowed at the same time. She told him that Frank really wanted to continue to visit with him. Tom didn't put up much of a fuss.

Viki and Sam assured him they were only going to the cafeteria in the hospital and would not be far away. Susannah told him she would be in her office and if he needed her all he had to do was tell one of the nurses and they would get her immediately. Tom seemed okay with their leaving.

Frank had bought Tom some new Star Wars action figures and some of their vehicles.

"Wow! A Landspeeder." He put the Luke Skywalker figure in it. He handed the Tie Fighter and the Darth Vader figure to Frank. "You be Darth Vader and I'll be Luke Skywalker." Tom seemed happy as he and Frank both made up voices to play their characters. They were still playing when lunch was brought in. Frank was pleased that Tom ate most of the grilled cheese and fries and drank all of his chocolate milk.

Just as Tom was finishing he heard a voice say, "I hope you left room for some cookies."

"TÉA!" Tom shouted gleefully. "I LOVE COOKIES!" Téa was so relieved to see him looking so much better. She walked to the bed and gave him a hug. Tom held on to her tightly.

"Téa, Frank came to see me special too." He looked at both Téa and Frank. "You knew it was me who was here, right?"

"Tom, I was very happy when I heard it was you. I love to spend time with you," Téa assured him.

"Is your heart singing?" Tom asked in a serious tone.

Téa smiled. "My heart always sings when I know I'm going to get to spend some time with you."

"I knew you were the one who was out too, buddy. That's why I bought some Star Wars toys. I know how much you like Star Wars," Frank assured him as well. Tom smiled and showed Téa his new toys.

"Would you like some chocolate chip cookies for dessert?" Téa offered. She rattled the bag, gently. Tom looked eagerly at the bag Téa held up and nodded. She placed a few of the, still warm, bakery made cookies on a napkin and rested it on his tray.

"Would you like some more milk to go with those?" Frank asked. He was happy to see Tom have a good appetite for a change. Tom nodded again. Frank went to the nurses station to ask if he could get some milk for Tom from the pantry on that floor.

"Téa, I got seizures cause my 'lectricity's messed up."

Téa was surprised that Tom had already been told about his disorder and that he was taking it so calmly. "I know, Tom. I'm sorry. It'll be all right."

"I gotta tell someone if I feel weird so I can be safe," Tom explained.

"That's very good. I'm so happy that you know how important that is." Téa looked at him lovingly.

"Doctor Hanen says we can still go skating." Tom looked down at the blankets. "If you still wanna skate with me."

Téa noticed a tear slide down his cheek. She didn't understand what had just happened. He seemed so up just a second ago. "Tom, of course I want to go skating with you. What would make you think I didn't?"

He shrugged. "I thought maybe you wanted to go skating with Kevin instead."

"Kevin!" Téa was surprised. "Why do you think I want to go skating with Kevin?" Tom shrugged again. He didn't say anything. He just sat with his head hung down. A few more tears trickled down his cheeks. Téa sat down next to him. She stroked his head. "Tom, I don't want to go skating with Kevin. I want to go skating with you. I'm looking forward to it." Tom looked up at her. He quickly looked down again. Téa had enough time to notice the sadness in his eyes.

"Can you hit me now?"

"What?" Téa thought she heard wrong.

"Can you hit me now?" Tom repeated.

"Tom, what are you talking about? I'm not going to hit you."

Even more tears fell. 'I'll bet she would hit Kevin,' Tom thought to himself. He hated that he was crying in front of Téa. He tried to stop. He couldn't. He knew she was thinking he was just a big baby and wimp, like Pete told him he was. Tom pushed the tray away and turned over on his side. He buried his face in the pillow.

Téa put her hand on his shoulder. "What's this all about, Tom? Why do you think I would hit you?" Tom didn't answer. Téa was not sure how to handle this. She wished Frank or Doctor Hanen would come back.

*****

The ICU pantry was out of milk so Frank had run to pediatrics, one floor up, to see if they had a couple of containers of milk they could spare. He didn't want to take the time to go to the cafeteria, or to their own pantry on seven, and leave Tom waiting that long.

*****

Going purely on instinct, Téa turned Tom over on his back so she could see his eyes. She brushed back some of the strands of hair that clung to his tear stained cheeks. "Tom, why do you think I should hit you?"

"I was bad and made a mess. I have to disciplined so I won't be clumsy and I'll become a man, like Kevin."

For a minute Téa didn't understand what he was talking about. Then she remembered the pancakes. "Tom, do you mean because the pancakes fell on the floor?" He nodded as fresh tears fell. "Oh Tom." Téa pulled him up and took him in her arms. "That was an accident. I'm not angry with you. I love you. I won't ever hit you or hurt you on purpose." A vision of hitting Todd with the shovel passed through Téa's mind. Her own eyes welled up with tears. 'He thinks I'm angry with him? Madre de Dios! He's the one who should hate me,' Téa thought. She wondered how Tom would feel if he knew that, in all likelihood, she caused him to become epileptic.

"But I made a big mess!" Tom insisted.

"Tom, I don't care about messes. I'm only sorry you got upset when the food spilled. The mess doesn't matter."

Tom felt nervous. His stomach was tied up in knots. He couldn’t believe that Frank and Téa did not want to punish him. He reasoned that maybe making him wait for it was part of the punishment. He could accept that. What was killing him was the thought that neither of them cared enough to want to straighten him out and that they would do just what his mother did. They would leave him. At least his dad stayed around and tried to make a man of him.

"Okay. You don't have to hit me now if you don't want to." Tom pulled away from Téa and sat cross-legged. "You wanna see the toys Frank bought me?" Tom carefully explained all about Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader to Téa. He seemed apprehensive when he described what a "bad man" Darth Vader was. "I'll bet he has bad hands that do stuff to hurt everyone," Tom commented causally. Téa knew he was making a connection between the fantasy figure and his father.

Frank came back with a couple of containers of milk. He saw that Tom had been crying. "How you doing, buddy? Is something bothering you?"

Tom shrugged and timidly asked, "Can I have my milk now?"

"Sure you can. It's nice and cold and goes great with chocolate chip cookies," Frank stated as he poured the milk from one of the containers into a cup.

Tom ate his dessert and drank his milk without saying much. They noticed he still had a tremor in his hand that was more pronounced when he lifted the cup. They said nothing. They knew he didn't want anyone to think he was a baby. Téa and Frank tried to engage him in conversation. He answered them with one-word answers or a shrug of his shoulders. They were concerned because this was not typical behavior for Tom.

Alice, one of the ICU nurses, came over to give him his second oral dose of Dilantin. Tom became frighten when she came near him. She didn't realize not to tell him it was medication that she was going to administer in his feeding tube. As soon as he heard she wanted to medicate him he panicked.

"Hey, buddy, relax. This won't hurt. You won't even know you're getting it. It goes right down the tube like the food supplement," Frank tried to comfort him. Frank whispered to the nurse. "Call Doctor Hanen."

"I DON'T WANT ANY MEDICINE!" Tom shrieked. Frank was used to him not wanting meds, but Tom never yelled like this, at anyone. He was concerned over this.

"Tom. Please, sweetie. Calm down. The medicine will help you not to have seizures. Come on. I'll hold you while the nurse gives it to you," Téa pleaded with him.

Tom ducked under her arms and tried to get off the bed. Frank caught him and expertly turned him around and held him pressed against his chest.

"LET ME GO!" Tom shrieked.

"Tom, you need to calm down. No one is going to hurt you," Frank calmly assured him. "I'm going to need some help here," Frank called to the ICU staff.

"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AND NEITHER DOES SHE. LET ME GO!" He was shrieking at the top of his lungs.

Afraid the stress he was under would trigger another seizure, the resident on duty ordered him sedated.

Suddenly he stopped struggling. "You get your fuckin' hands off of me. You're not my dad. Only my dad can touch me."

Frank had an idea who had just come out. Cautiously, he released his hold. He held his hand up when the nurse came closer with the syringe. She looked toward the resident. She was not feeling at all comfortable with this situation. The resident indicated that she should hold off. They were both grateful that someone from the psychiatric unit was with this patient.

"Rocky?" Frank asked.

"Yeah! So what!" He pulled away from Frank and pulled up to the headboard and raised his knees to his chest.

Téa knew about Rocky and saw what he had done to Todd's body when he cut it with the glass. She had never met him.

"Rocky, no one is going to hurt you. You are in the ICU and you need to stay calm and stay in bed," Frank directed.

"Only my dad tells me what to do!" Rocky snarled.

"You really love your dad, huh?" Frank commented.

"I love my dad best of anyone. He always tries to help me to be good and be the best. He's coming for me and then everyone better watch out."

"Okay. That's fair. We stand warned," Frank told him.

Susannah came into the ICU. "Rocky came to say hello to us." Frank apprised Susannah of the situation.

"Hello Rocky. Do you remember me?" Susannah probed.

"Yeah. You're the lady shrink. My dad's gonna be real pissed off at you for always trying to get everyone to talk bad about him."

Rocky looked at Téa. Recognition came into his eyes. "I saw you naked," he teased in a singsong voice. Téa's face blushed red. "You tried to get Todd to fuck you, but he's not man enough. Me and Saber laughed at him real good. At you too. My dad would know what to do with you. You should have come to my dad. He's a good fuck. He says all his girlfriends think so. Someday he's gonna teach me how to treat all you women. Especially a cock teaser like you."

"Rocky, you are being rude. You need to stop this behavior right now," Susannah said firmly.

The nurse and the young resident exchanged looks and stepped away. They allowed Susannah and Frank to handle the situation.

"My dad and Saber are the boss. I don't have to take orders from you. Or from him," he pointed to Frank. Rocky looked at Frank. He took in Franks size. "You're bigger than my dad, but I bet he can still beat the shit out of you. No one is tougher than my dad." Rocky turned his attention back to Téa. "You're a whore. You're just like all the others. You married Todd for money. Just like the whores my dad sleeps with. He gives them money and presents. He says he fucks them even when he hates them."

Téa was close to tears. She was shocked that this alter knew so much about her relationship with Todd. Even though she knew Rocky was a part of Todd, it disturbed her greatly that Rocky knew these intimate details of her marriage. "I love Todd," Téa declared firmly. She looked Rocky in the eye.

"I love Todd," he repeated, mimicking her. "Téa is a liar," he taunted in that same singsong voice.

"Why is Téa a liar?" Susannah pressed.

"Because no one loves Todd. They all hate him and want to hurt him and leave him. So she's a liar. She's a whore and a big fat liar. Todd married two whores. My dad tried to warn him."

Susannah sat down on the bed. "How did your dad try to warn him?"

"He always told him what women were like. He told him that no woman could ever love him and she'd be lying if she said she did. He told him if he ever had any money they'd just pretend to love him so they could get their hands on it. My dad was good to Todd and Todd never appreciated it. Not me! I love my dad. I listen to everything he says. He's always right." Rocky was quiet for a moment. "I wanna call my dad. Let me use the phone."

"I'm sorry, Rocky. You can't use the phone. You have to stay in bed," Susannah informed him. She was hoping he would let it go at that.

"Then you call him and tell him I want him to come and get me."

This was certainly not the time or place for him to be told his dad was dead. "Rocky, it's the middle of the day. Some dad's are at work in the middle of the day and don't like to be disturbed." Susannah now hoped that would be enough to make him drop the idea of calling his father. Luckily it was.

"Yeah. My dad don't like to be called at work. One time one of those stupid boy twins got him called down to school and he got real mad."

"What happened to make the school call your dad down?" Susannah inquired.

"Scared was bad and made my dad hit him and broke his ribs. At recess another boy pushed into him and it hurt so much he couldn't breath. They took him to the nurse and she took off his shirt and saw he was all beat up. Stupid Scared got frightened when the nurse asked him how he got hurt so I came out and told that nosy bitch I got hurt playing football with my friend. She still called my dad down to school. Fuckin' bitch," Rocky muttered under his breath.

"Was your dad angry when he got there?" Susannah asked.

"I don't know. I pushed Tom out. I didn't want my dad to think I was stupid enough to break the rule."

"The rule?" Susannah pressed.

"Yeah," Rocky said.

"Can you tell me what the rule is?" Susannah prompted.

"You don't ever tell about private family stuff. It's nobody's damn business and if you tell you'll get punished and then they'll take you to the place they put bad kids and you'll never get to come home again."

"Were you the best about not telling?" Frank asked.

"Yeah! You bet I was!" Rocky's face beamed with pride. "My dad never had to punish me. I was always good and I appreciated everything he did for me. I'm the only one dad likes to spend time with. We do all kinds of stuff together."

"What kinds of things did you get to do with your dad?" Susannah asked.

"We would toss around the baseball and the football and dad lets me watch television with him and he lets me taste his booze and cigarettes and dad taught me how to play poker and once when he was real drunk he showed me his magazines." Rocky turned back to Téa. "Most of those woman have way bigger tits than you. They liked to be hurt with stuff. Do you like to be hurt?" They noticed that Rocky did not ask this in a hurtful way. There was an innocence to his tone and his eyes. He really wanted to know. Téa sensed this.

"No, Rocky. I don't like to be hurt. Those kinds of magazines send a twisted and distorted message to people. They are meant to degrade women. Do you know what that means?" He shook his head and gave her his attention. He was apparently interested in what Téa had to say. "It means that it puts women down and tries to humiliate them. It makes them seem less than human, as if they are objects that have no feelings and no brains. That is a very wrong message to give a little boy."

Rocky thought for a few moments. He looked confused. Then he got angry. "I think that's what my dad thinks women are and if he thinks that it must be true so stop lying to me, Téa. You're like all the others. You're a lying whore. When you couldn't get Todd to fuck you probably ran out and fucked someone else. You're just like all of them. Blair was a whore and so are you. You love a good fuck more than Todd and you walked away and left us and never came back."

Téa realized Rocky wasn't even making sense. She knew he was getting everything confused with his mother leaving. Yet there was enough fact in what he said to make Téa want to leave. "I'm going. If you like I can stop by the cafeteria and let Sam and Viki know what's going on."

"GO AHEAD AND LEAVE, WHORE! THAT'S WHAT YOU ALL DO BEST! VIKI'S A LYING WHORE TOO AND SAM IS A LIAR AND AN ASSHOLE, SHIT HEAD. I HATE THEM!" He turned to Susannah and Frank. "AND I HATE YOU AND YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU. I WANT MY DAD!" Rocky was on his knees. He was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Téa, I think it would be a good idea if you left now and yes I would appreciate it if you told Sam and Viki about Rocky coming out," Susannah responded.

"I HATE YOU TÉA! YOU'RE A FILTHY, LYING, BITCH, WHORE." Rocky tried to climb off the bed and go after her.

Frank quickly restrained him. Susannah helped hold his legs. Rocky screamed in frustration. Just as Téa was about to exit the ICU she heard Tom's voice. He cried out for her. "Téa! Téa! Please I'm sorry. Don't leave. I'm sorry. I'll be good. Please! Téa!" Téa came rushing back. Frank and Susannah released their hold on Tom. He immediately threw himself into Téa's arms. "Téa! Please! I'm sorry I was bad. I'm afraid of medicine. Don't go away. I'll be good. You don't have to beat me if you don't want to. Please don't stop liking me. I'll be good. I won't spill stuff. I'll be real careful. You don't have to love me best. Just love me a little. Téa please!"

Téa held him tightly. She kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back. Tom was crying so hard he was gasping for breath. "Tom, Tom! Tom listen to me. Shhhh. Mijo, listen to me."

Tom's whole body was trembling as he continued to sob uncontrollably. The young resident asked Susannah if she wanted the sedative he had ordered earlier administered. Susannah decided to let Téa try to calm him for another minute or two and then, if necessary, he was to be given the sedative.

"Tom, I love you. Don't you know that? I was so happy that you wanted me to come see you today."

He started to calm down a little. "Your heart was singing?" he sobbed.

Téa hugged him and rocked him. "Yes, Mijo. My heart was singing. It always does when I know I'm going to get to see you."

Tom's chest heaved as he slowly got his breath back. His face was blotchy and his eyes were red and swollen from tears. Téa sat down on the bed and leaned him back in her arms so that his head rested in the crook of her elbow. His body rested limply as she cradled him. He was too exhausted from what Todd's body had just been through to move. Téa hugged him a little closer to her. She brushed the damp hair from his face and kissed him on the forehead. She continued to rock him gently.

Tom opened his eyes and looked into hers. "I love you a whole bunch," he whispered. He didn't have the strength left for more than that.

"I love you a whole bunch too, Mijo."

"I promise I'll be good. Please don't leave me," Tom begged.

"I promise." Téa kissed his forehead again. "I'll never leave you. Shhhh, try to sleep." Téa spoke soothingly.

Tom closed his eyes. When he felt himself drifting off, he jerked and opened his eyes again. "You're still here. I was afraid you left."

"Yes Mijo. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. It's safe to sleep." Téa continued to rock him. Finally, he allowed himself to fall into the deep sleep his worn out body craved. Téa held him and rock him as he slept.

TO BE CONTINUED