*****

Terry buzzed Blair and Dorian onto the unit. She took them aside to speak with them before allowing them to see Todd.

"What do you mean he's dissociated? Doesn't having DID mean he's always dissociating?" Blair asked anxiously.

"Todd hasn't switched to another alter. He is in a trance state. No one else wanted to come out. They are all inside. He probably won't know you're with him. You can still see him if you like. Just talk to him softly and let him know you care," Terry explained.

"Oh course, she cares. My niece loves him. He's the father of her child. Blair knows how to act around Todd."

"Mrs. Hayes, I didn't mean to offend Blair. I just wanted to make sure she knew what to expect when she went inside."

"Yes. Of course," Dorian looked at the nurses ID tag, "Terry. I'm sorry. It's just that I wanted you to know that Blair cares deeply for Todd and she would never act in a way that would harm him. By the way, is Todd's sister around?"

"No. She and Mr. Rappaport went out for lunch and so did Doctor Hanen. Is there a problem?" Terry asked.

"No, not at all. I just thought I would let Viki know I'm here for her if she needs me," Dorian replied. She smiled sweetly.

"Do you see the way they treat you around here? I'm sure no one asks Viki if she knows how to behave around Todd," Dorian whispered to Blair after Terry stepped away.

"And I'm sure they don't ask Ms. Delgado that either," Blair added. Anger flashed in her eyes.

They headed into Todd's room. Todd was still as he had been . . . in the easy chair . . . knees pulled to his chest . . . staring blankly. Todd gave no indication of awareness when Blair and Dorian walked into the room. Frank was sitting in a chair right next to Todd's chair.

"Hello, Frank. How's he doing?" Blair asked.

"He's doing fine. Aren't you, buddy?" Frank answered and patted Todd's knee.

"Has he spoken at all?" Dorian inquired.

"Did anyone explain to you that Todd has dissociated? He has completely withdrawn from reality," Frank asked and then explained.

"Yes, Terry did. We were just wondering if he showed any signs of coming out of it," Dorian clarified her question.

"Frank, what happened? Why is he like this?" Blair wanted to know.

"I think it would be best if Doctor Hanen explained it to you. I can tell you that Todd has been having some memories come back to him and he is a little overwhelmed by them. He needed to go inside for while. He'll be all right. He just needs a respite from himself."

"Was he alone when he became like this?" Blair pressed.

"Todd is never left complete alone. But no, Susannah, Sam and Viki were with him . . . oh, and Todd's wif . . ." Frank felt awkward referring to current Mrs. Manning in the presence of the former one. "Ah . . . Téa was with him."

Blair wanted to scream, "I knew it! I knew that bitch had to have somehow caused this to happen." However, Blair controlled herself in front of Frank. Instead she calmly asked, "Do you think it's possible that we can visit alone with Todd?"

"I'm sorry Blair. I have to be near Todd at all times," Frank responded.

"Surly you can see that he's not about to hurt himself or us. My niece just wants a little privacy with her child's father."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Hayes. I have to stay close. Todd or an alter can come back at any time. It is for his own safety. I can go sit over there," Frank pointed to a chair in the corner, "so you both can have some space."

"Thank you, Frank. I appreciate that," Blair commented.

Dorian sat down in the chair opposite from Todd and Blair sat in the chair Frank vacated.

"Hello Todd. It's Dorian. You are looking better than the last time I saw you." Dorian's voice was loud.

"Yes, baby. You do look better." Blair stroked his hair. "I've missed you." Blair stood up and knelt down so that she could whisper to Todd. "Did Téa or Kevin hurt you? Is that why you want to stay inside? Blair is here now. It's safe to come out." She looked into his eyes. She hoped for even the smallest response. There was none.

Dorian motioned for Blair to come closer to her. "Why don't I head outside and see if I can find out anything," Dorian whispered and then added. "Before the troops come back from lunch."

"See if you can find out what they did to him to cause him to become like this," Blair instructed.

"I'll see you before I leave, Todd. I'm just going to stretch my legs," Dorian said loudly enough for Frank to hear.

"Todd, Starr got an A in spelling. She certainly didn't get that from us. Neither of us can spell worth a damn." Blair hugged him to her. "Oh, come on baby. I'm talking about our little girl. Don't you have any questions? She misses you so much, Todd. I told her I was coming to see you today and she made me promise to give you a big kiss from her." Blair kissed Todd on the cheek. Then she held him by the shoulders and whispered to him. "Todd, I want to take you out of here. I want you to come live with Starr and me. Is that what you want? Would you like that?" Todd's eyes and expression stayed blank. "Baby, listen to me. I don't know what to do. I want to do what's right for you. I want to help you. I need to know if you want to come home to us. I know how much you hate being in the hospital. I know you don't want to be drugged and tied down. I hate to see them treat you like that. If you were living at home with Starr and me, you would still have the best doctors and nurses and as many people as you needed to help you. The difference is they would have to listen to me, or you if you are able. I wouldn't let them treat you like an animal." Blair glanced in Frank's direction. He had busied himself with a newspaper, so as not to be intrusive. Blair put her hand on Todd's chest and once again started to whisper to him. "I would have everything at home to keep your heart well and keep you healthy. You wouldn't need this nasty ol' feeding tube. I'll bet once you got home you would want all your favorites. Remember you liked the way I made roast chicken and mashed potatoes for you . . . oh, and those special cookies you and Starr like to have at your tea parties." Blair stopped talking. She realized that, in all likelihood, it was Timmy or Tom or one of the child alters who shared tea parties with Starr.

*****

Terry was at the nurses station writing in Todd's chart. Nancy was talking on the phone. She was talking to the lab, scheduling some blood work for Todd. Dorian stood near where Terry sat and tried to read Todd's chart, upside down. Terry looked up. "Mrs. Hayes, is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes. Todd felt a little warm and he looks a little paler than usual. Would you mind doing vitals on him? Just to set Blair's mind at ease."

"His vitals were done about an hour ago and he was fine, but I will do them again, no problem." Terry closed the chart and put it in the rack. She then headed off to check on Todd.

Dorian stepped behind the nurses station. "Excuse me!" Dorian got Nancy's attention. "My cell phone is dead. I was wondering if I could use this phone to make a very important call." Dorian pointed to a phone that was inches from the chart rack.

"Yes, of course, just dial nine first," Nancy politely replied.

"Oh my. I forgot to tell Terry that Todd was shivering. I think he needs another blanket. Would you be a dear and bring him one?" Dorian requested.

Nancy knew Todd didn't usually shiver when he was in a dissociate state. Nevertheless, she did not suspect Dorian was up to something. "Sure I will," Nancy answered and headed off for the linen cart.

Dorian quickly pulled Todd's chart. She turned to the section that contained his lab reports. She saw how much he had deteriorated from the time he was admitted to the latest labs. She turned to his progress notes. They were carefully documented and showed little progress, until the most recent entries. She saw that Timmy had recently had a neurological workup and was found to have deficits in his motor and cognitive skills. She noted how low Todd's electrolytes had dropped at one point and how dangerously high they had risen at another. She was shocked to see how perilously close to death Todd had come on two occasions. She made a mental note of how much weight Todd had lost. She also noted how many restraint orders had been filled out and she noted the endless orders for sedation, in higher doses than the prn order. She saw Todd was being given increasing doses of Zyprexa. Dorian knew little about the difficulty of prescribing meds for DID patients and she knew even less about Todd's atypical reactions to most meds. She was surprised at the countless times his antidepressant had been changed and adjusted. 'Well, you just can't seem to get it right, can you Doctor Hanen?' Dorian thought to herself.

"Excuse me! You are not allowed back here or access to a patient's chart!"

Dorian jumped and nearly dropped Todd's chart. "I don't believe we've met," Dorian said as she quickly closed the chart.

"My name is Jeff. I'm a psych tech assigned to Todd Manning. Does Terry know you're here?"

"Yes, of course. Todd is my nephew-in-law and my stepson. I am a physician. I was just checking to see how he's been progressing. I used to work at this hospital."

"Did you get permission from Doctor Hanen to look at Todd's chart?" Jeff asked in a no-nonsense manner.

"Doctor Hanen is out to lunch. I'm sure it wouldn't have been a problem. My niece, Todd's wife, is in with him and she has been very concerned. I just wanted to put her mind at ease."

"Téa had a meeting with Susannah just this morning. She was told how Todd was doing," Jeff pointed out.

"I'm sorry. I should have said ex-wife. It's just that there is still so much love between my niece, Blair, and Todd that I sometimes forget they are no longer married." Dorian made a feeble attempt to cover herself.

"I'm going to have to discuss this with Susannah and write up a report on it. Todd's rights were violated by you seeing his chart."

Terry came out. "What's the problem here?"

"It's nothing. I was just looking at my nephew's chart. I wanted to put Blair's mind at ease."

"Mrs. Hayes. I think you know better than to look at a patient's chart," Terry chastised.

"Normally I wouldn't dream of it, however Todd is my family and I am a doctor." Dorian emphasized the word doctor.

"Then you certainly should have known better. Jeff we have to write up a report on this," Terry declared.

"I was just explaining that to Mrs. Hayes," Jeff told Terry.

*****

Blair had enough sense to go along with it when Terry mentioned Dorian said that Todd might have a fever. When she saw Nancy come into the room with a blanket, she realized Dorian had deliberately gotten rid of them. She just hoped Dorian didn't get caught in whatever she was doing. Blair had taken the blanket from Nancy and tenderly wrapped it around Todd. "Is that better?" she asked him and stroked his head. "Thank you. He seemed a little chilly," Blair lied.

Frank said nothing when he saw Terry come in for an unscheduled vitals check or Nancy come in with a blanket. He did think it odd. He knew that Todd was neither feverish nor cold. He made a mental note to discuss this with Terry or Susannah.

Dorian came back into the room. "Dorian, is there a problem?" Blair whispered through clenched teeth. She knew that subtlety was not Dorian's strong suit.

"We'll discuss this later," Dorian whispered back. She had a frozen smile on her lips. "How are you doing Todd?" Dorian's voice was even louder than it had been before she left for the nurses station.

"He's not deaf, Dorian," Blair commented.

Under the circumstances, Dorian did not want to be around when Viki, Sam and Susannah returned. "I think I'll go to the cafeteria. Why don't you meet me there when you are through visiting Todd?" Dorian suggested.

"I may be a while. They're bringing Todd something to eat and I would like to stay and feed him."

"All right. Why don't I head home and you can come to the house later." Dorian gave Blair a look and a nod of her head that let Blair know she had something to tell her.

'Oh man! I hope she didn't screw things up ,' Blair thought. She was sorry the only one she had to turn to for help was Dorian. "I will be there as soon as I can," Blair answered. She smiled broadly, for Frank's benefit.

Dorian patted Todd's head. "Good-bye, Todd. Blair will take good care of you," Dorian announced, still a little too loudly.

Blair turned to Frank and smiled again. "Dorian is very concerned for Todd and for our little family."

Frank nodded and answered, "Yes, I've noticed."

Blair, with her back to Frank, pulled close to Todd and whispered, "We're trying to help you, Todd, even Dorian. She really wants to see you get well and get back to our little girl. Todd please, if you can hear me, let me know if you want to leave the hospital. I want to do what's best for you, baby. I swear that's all I want. If being here is best for you then I'll go along with it, but I don't know if it is." Then, with her mouth right up to Todd's ear, Blair whispered, "I love you, Todd. I never stopped."

Terry brought in some cream of wheat and some chocolate pudding. She showed Blair how to feed Todd. Blair patiently and gently massaged his jaw and his throat. She fed him spoonful after spoonful of the cereal and pudding until both bowls were empty. She went into the bathroom and dampened a washcloth. She came back and wiped his mouth off. She had been speaking soothingly the whole time she fed him. He gave no indication of knowing she was there.

*****

Viki and Sam had settled into a booth at the diner. "Can we hold off ordering for a few minutes?" Viki requested. Viki wasn't sure how to begin. Then she decided to get right to it. "I think I may have some ideas as to why I freeze up when we try to make love." Viki was still not comfortable talking about sex.

Sensing this, Sam said, "you don't have to discuss your therapy sessions with me, if you're uncomfortable with it. Viki, I love you. I love our family. The way things are with Todd lately . . . it's . . . well, it's not exactly as if sex is preying on my mind." Sam was more tired than he cared to admit. Also, he could not shake the overpowering guilt he felt. He didn't want to upset Viki by talking about it. It was eating away at him. Making love was not high on his list of priorities right now.

"Sam, I'm sorry." Viki took his hand. "No one is addressing your pain, are they?"

Sam realized Viki knew him very well. "There is nothing to address. I can't go back and change the past. I can't save Todd from having to go through all this. I had my chance and I blew it. I really don't want to talk about it. It's pointless. Like I said, I can't undo the mistakes I made and I really don't need to hear Susannah or you telling me that I did the best I could. I didn't. I trusted my instincts and believed that I would always know if Todd were really in trouble. Apparently those instincts that I always lived by were just a figment of my imagination. I made the mistake and Todd paid the price. There is nothing more to discuss."

"And your beating yourself up is not going to change the past either. Sam, you are there for Todd now. No father is more devoted than you. You have given up your job. You have put your entire life on hold. Todd would be lost without you." Viki tried to get him to see the reality of the situation.

"No. I allowed Todd to be lost long ago. Viki, I really don't want to talk about this. I would much rather hear how you are doing."

Viki knew he was shutting down and there was no point in discussing his guilt with him. "Sam, something happened in one of my therapy sessions. Susannah had me visualize making love to you to try to discover at what point I become anxious." Viki stopped for a moment. She felt embarrassed.

Sam took her hand and looked into her eyes. "Viki, it's all right. Whatever it is you found out we'll get through it, together. I would like to know, but if you feel uncomfortable telling me, I'll understand."

Viki stroked Sam's cheek. She felt so much love for him. She wanted to do everything in her power to have a complete relationship with him. Telling him about Sloan and Victor was one of the first steps she had to take. "I visualized us making love and everything was fine. Suddenly I saw Sloan standing over us. He looked betrayed and disapproving."

"You feel like you're betraying Sloan's memory?" Sam was a little confused.

"No. That's just it. It's not Sloan. It's Father. I see Sloan because . . . I never told you very much about Sloan. I wasn't comfortable talking about my relationship with him and I never understood why." Viki tried to understand it herself as she tried to explain it to Sam. "I am now beginning to understand why. Sloan was a very good and very decent man. But there were many ways that he was like father . . . in appearance . . . in demeanor. Sam, when I fist met Sloan I was . . . I was going to say attracted to him. At least that's what I told myself it was. Now I realize it was more than an attraction. It was an obsession. I was attracted to Joe, when we first met, and to Clint, and to you, but with Sloan it was different." Viki looked down at her hands and swallowed hard. "With Sloan it was as if I had to be with him. Something compelled me to him. My God, Sam. I broke up my marriage to Clint. Clint and I had been through so much and we always found our way back to each other, but not this time. I wanted Sloan in a way that made me feel ashamed and dirty. I never realized I felt that way until today."

"So, you're saying you were attracted to Sloan because you wanted to be . . ." Sam didn't continue.

"It's all right. You can say it. Because I wanted to be with my father." A tear slid down Viki's cheek.

Sam took both her hands in his and kissed them. "It's going to be all right you know," Sam gently assured her.

"Oh Sam. As Todd would say, I'm so messed up. Just when I think I have things straight and I am aware of all the damage Father did to me, I discover something that makes me feel sick and disgusting. Sam, I think Todd and I are a little more than you bargained for."

"You are both exactly what I bargained for. Do you think the damage Victor Lord and Peter Manning did you and Todd make you any less precious to me?"

Viki looked at him. She desperately wanted to get her life back, completely. She realized that even though she had gotten most of it back when the alters were integrated, there were huge chunks that still belonged to Victor and Viki was determined to take those back too. "It's not as if I wanted to sleep with my father. It's just that . . ." Viki didn't know quite how to put it into words.

"Don't you think I have seen enough and learned enough about the confusion that happens to a child who has been sexually abused to understand that? Your father never gave you the chance to understand your sexuality in a normal way. He stole that from you, just as Peter stole it from Todd."

Viki was so relieved that Sam understood. Her feelings of self-loathing diminished a little as she spoke with Sam. "It's all confused, Sam. All of it . . . love . . . sex . . . security . . . safety . . . attention . . . wanting to please and be the good little girl . . . not wanting to be left all alone. Ever since I remembered, ever since I don't have the alters to protect me, all those feelings I had buried deep within me have come back to haunt me. Joe rescued me from Father. He taught me what a normal relationship was. He took Father's Victoria and turned her into Viki. He made me laugh for the first time in my life. He taught me how to allow myself to have fun. Father stole all that from me and Joe stole me from Father."

Viki paused. She realized that she might be hurting Sam by telling him of her wonderful relationship with Joe. "Sam, I'm sorry. Please, if my talking about Joe this way . . ."

Sam interrupted her. "Don't you think I'm happy to know that you had some pleasure in your life and that there was a time, no matter how brief, that you knew what it was to feel that kind of love? Viki, I only wish there was a time in Todd's life that he could have known that kind of happiness. He has never allowed himself to feel one minute's pleasure, not with Blair and not with Téa. As soon as he starts to feel even the teeniest bit of happiness he has to shoot himself in the foot to make sure he destroys it."

"That's because he doesn't feel he deserves to be happy. He doesn't feel worthy of being alive, nevertheless happy. That is where I was luckier, for lack of a better word. Father didn't belittle me or humiliate me, at least not in the way Todd's father did. He didn't tell me I was a mistake that never should have been born. I always knew he was proud of my achievements. I knew he loved me, in his own sick and twisted way. It was the part of Father that wanted to possess me and run my life like he ran the Banner that I hated. Long before I remembered the sexual abuse, I felt horribly guilty because sometimes I hated him for treating me like one of his possessions. Then again, I guess the hatred for the abuse was always there too. I just didn't recognize it."

"Viki, I hope you know I will do anything, anything I can to help you through this. If the best I can give you is time and patience, then you've got it. If you want me to talk to Susannah or have sessions with you, I'll do that too," Sam offered.

"Actually, Susannah suggested that somewhere down the line family sessions might be a good idea, but for now she feels individual sessions with any of us who care to see her are best. Todd's illness has stretched all of us to the limit, Téa and Kevin as well as you and I. We all have our own issues to deal with and the issue of Todd. I think our family unit will be keeping Susannah pretty busy for the rest of her career," Viki joked.

Sam took her hand again. "Viki, if it's your father who is getting in the way of your happiness then we will get him out of your life, once and for all this time."

"I don't think he'll ever be completely out of my life. I think what I have to do is learn to live with and accept what his part in my life is and overcome it. Ever since Andy told us what happened to him, feelings that I had never addressed in any previous therapy have come to the surface. I never allowed myself to deal with them before. I just let them fester until I lost a part of me to them, just as I lost so much of my life to what Father did to me before." Viki smiled. "I kind of think of myself as this pie chart. Ninety percent of me is accounted for. I intend to find and get back the last 10 percent. Those sessions hurt like hell and I hate them. I would look forward to root canal more, but I'll be damned if I will let Father's sickness take any more from me then it already has."

"Viki, I know it's important that you face your demons. If you are rushing this before you are ready, for me . . ."

Viki cut him off. "No. I love you and I would do anything for you, but this is for me. Yes, I want a complete relationship with you, but I want to be complete for me. I want that last 10 percent of Viki back and I want Victoria gone forever. Now, I'm starving. Let's order lunch."

*****

Bill and Susannah got back to the hospital at two-thirty. Viki and Sam had not yet returned. They headed for Todd's room. Bill waited in the lounge outside the room and Susannah went to the nurses station to check Todd's chart. Terry immediately told her what happened with Dorian.

"Was a report filled out?" Susannah asked.

"Yes. Right after the incident," Terry informed Susannah.

"Good. I'll tell Viki and Sam as soon as they get back. I know Dorian claimed that she just wanted to put Blair's mind at ease, but I don't believe that. I have a feeling she is up to something," Susannah confided in Terry.

"I got that same impression. She conveniently sent both Nancy and me into Todd's room. She had asked to use the phone near the charts. She was looking for something," Terry theorized.

"I agree," Susannah concurred.

*****

Blair stayed and tried to reach Todd for thirty minutes after she finished feeding him. He had not moved a muscle. He remained totally unresponsive. Blair kissed him good-bye and stroked his head. She tucked the blankets around him, tightly, and left. She headed for Dorian's.

"They caught you! Jesus Christ, Dorian! How could you let them catch you?" Blair had a feeling something like that had happened.

"Todd's chart is extensive. Do you think I could read the whole thing in a few seconds? Did you or did you not want me to find out as much as I could?" Dorian reminded her. Dorian was feeling angry that Blair did not appreciate the risk she took.

"Yes! Of course I wanted you to find out about his medical condition, but I didn't want you to get caught." Blair was exasperated. She was not ready to tip her hand. She need some more proof that Téa was having an affair with Kevin and that, possibly, Viki, Sam and Doctor Hanen were aware of it and still allowed her near Todd.

"Blair, don't worry. I covered my tracks. I told them you were very concerned and I wanted to put your mind at ease."

Blair thought for a moment. "Dorian, that is a pretty flimsy excuse. Why couldn't I just ask Doctor Hanen how Todd was doing?"

"Because Doctor Hanen wasn't around. Were you supposed to just wait around for her to get back from her leisurely lunch? You have a newspaper to run and a child to take care of."

"I suppose," Blair agreed half-heartedly. "I just hope this doesn't backfire. Now tell me, did you find out anything?"

Dorian wished she had found out more. She told Blair what little she did find.

"Did you find out what caused Todd to go into this state he's in?" Blair pressed.

"I was only able to skim over the notes quickly. He was with Téa and he remembered being punished by his father. Something about being made to lick food off the floor."

"Oh my God! What kind of monster was that man? How could he have done that to a little boy? How on earth did Todd end up becoming the wonderful father he became? When I think about how kind and gentle he is with Starr . . . he makes her feel like she is the smartest, most beautiful and special little child in the world. No one ever did that for him. Todd was put down and belittled every moment of his life."

Dorian thought about what Blair just said and did feel compassion for Todd as well as Timmy. She understood what it was to be an abused child. Yet, even though she intended to help Blair in any way she could, she felt apprehensive at the thought of Todd living at the penthouse with Blair and Starr, no matter how large a staff Blair would hire. She felt that Blair and Starr might not be safe. Then Dorian thought about Viki. "He'll never get well with her smothering him the way she does. She will turn him into the same spoiled brat she turned Kevin into. Even Joe didn't completely escape Viki's influence," Dorian remarked. Then Dorian thought, 'the main objective is to get Todd away from Viki's influence. Once that is accomplished, perhaps I can convince Blair that Todd would be better off in a hospital somewhere far away from Llanview.' Blair left Dorian's and headed to pick up Starr from school. She still had not decided if she was going to go ahead and try to get Todd out of Doctor Hanen, Viki and Sam's care. She absolutely wanted Téa to stay the hell away from him, but she was unsure about the rest. She desperately did not want to hurt Todd or add to his pain in any way. She also did not want to cause any pain for Starr. She had been avoiding telling Starr any details of Todd's illness. She did tell her that her daddy was feeling a little sad and because of that he couldn't eat right and that made him too weak to come home. She told Starr that the doctors were giving him special food and medicine to make him better. Blair knew that Starr probably had many more questions and fears about her daddy that she kept to herself.

"How's my little pumpkin'?" Blair asked as Starr ran to her when she saw here outside the school.

"Mommy look! They taught us how to draw bunnies." Starr held up a picture she had drawn.

"That great! Look at that! Starr, you are so talented. You certainly got that from your daddy. Did you know your daddy is a very good artist?"

"Uh-huh. Daddy used to draw with me all the time. Daddy draws the best."

"Yes he does," Blair agreed. Blair realized it was probably Tom or perhaps those girl twins she was told about who used to draw with Starr. Blair knew that no matter who was out, Starr was always loved and always had a good time.

"Starr, how would you like to go to McDonald's for a Happy Meal and then you and Mommy can have a talk about Daddy?"

"Is Daddy coming home?" Starr asked hopefully.

"Not just yet, sweetie. Why don't we wait and talk about Daddy after you've eaten?"

Starr smiled and agreed. She didn't want to upset Blair. She was afraid that Blair might get sick and go away too, the way Todd and Téa had, and then she would be all alone. Starr loved her daddy with all her heart. She loved Blair, but her relationship with Todd was special. It had been Daddy and Shorty for so long. Ever since Starr had been sick, when she was just a toddler. Todd had done everything for her. He woke her up in the morning and had breakfast with her. He was her playmate and her best friend. He took her to "daddy and me" groups. He bought her little outfits for her and allowed her to mix and match her clothes and develop her own style. He was there when she caught colds and scraped her knees. He would put her to bed and tell her his fractured version of fairy tales and the most wonderful stories that he would make up. Todd would look at his daughter's wide eyes, listening to him, fascinated by his every word and his heart would fill with the kind of love he had never known. He never missed an opportunity to make Starr feel special, beautiful, smart, wanted and very loved. Starr had always known she was deeply loved by her daddy. Now, Starr was having a hard time understanding why her daddy had left her for so long.

At first, Starr would draw pictures for Todd and make things from him and put them in her "daddy box" because she was sure he would be home any day and he would get to see everything. Now she did it because it was all she had left of her father. Starr would sometimes pretend to be asleep after Blair tucked her in and read to her. Then, when Blair left her room, she would get out of bed and say a special prayer for her daddy and more often than not dissolve into tears that she would muffle with her pillow. Starr missed Todd with all her heart and she was afraid her daddy was dead or dying and no one was telling her the truth. Many times she had thought of going to the hospital on her own, but she was afraid she would upset Blair. The last thing she wanted to do was to lose her mommy too.

Starr just picked at her burger and fries. She played with her Happy Meal toy for a few minutes and lost interest. Finally, not being able to hold it back any longer, Starr blurted out, "Mommy, is Daddy dead?"

Blair's mouth was left hanging open. She looked at the tears that had welled up in Starr's huge eyes and realized that her precious little girl had feared this for a long time, but was afraid to ask or say it out loud. She knew she should have been more honest with Starr all along. By trying to protect her she had just caused her to suffer silently. "Oh no. Oh sweetie, no! Daddy is not dead. Daddy is in the hospital, like I told you."

"He must be real sick cause he's been there for so long," Starr said very sadly.

Blair took a deep breath and pulled Starr up onto her lap. "Yes, baby. Daddy is very sick, but he is getting better and stronger."

"How come Daddy doesn't want to see me?" Tears spilled down Starr's cheeks.

Blair hugged Starr to her. "Oh, baby. Daddy misses you and always asks about you and thinks about you all the time. He doesn't want you to see him when he is sick," Blair told her honestly.

"Maybe I can make daddy feel better, like he always made me feel better when I was sick? I told Fred the Frog to tell Daddy how much I miss him and that I want to see him. Did Fred tell that to Daddy, Mommy?"

"Yes, daddy got all your messages. Sweetie, daddy thinks that it will be better for you to wait and see him when he is well."

Blair looked at the child in her lap. A child that was created by the greatest love she had ever known. She had to find the right words to tell Starr about her daddy. "Starr, let me try to explain to you about Daddy's illness. When daddy was a little boy his own daddy was very mean to him."

More tears spilled from Starr's eyes. "I don't like it if anyone is mean to Daddy."

"I know you don't, baby, but sometimes daddies or even mommies don't know how to treat the precious children they are given. Instead of loving them, they hurt them."

"Are the children bad? Was daddy bad? Will I get hurt if I'm bad?" Starr became fearful.

"No! Never!" Blair hugged Starr to her even tighter. She was afraid she was not explaining this too well. "Starr, no one should ever hurt a child. Not if they're bad . . . not for any reason. You will never be hurt. Mommy and Daddy, when he is well, will always protect you. We will never let anyone hurt you in any way."

"How come Daddy's mommy let his daddy hurt him?"

This was harder than Blair had anticipated. She hated seeing how much pain was in Starr's eyes. "Daddy's mommy was sick and she had to leave Daddy when he was just a little boy. He was left alone with his daddy and his daddy was not a very nice man."

"Is daddy's daddy still hurting him? Is that's why he's in the hospital?"

"No. Daddy's daddy is dead. He can't ever hurt him again." Blair made sure to make that clear.

"Then how come Daddy is so sick?"

Blair took another deep breath. "Sometimes when little children are hurt a lot they pretend to be someplace that doesn't hurt . . . someplace where they can be safe and happy."

"Like Second Chance? Daddy always told me about a place called Second Chance where little children were always happy."

Blair smiled and kissed Starr's forehead. "Yes, something like that. When Daddy was a little boy he pretend he was somewhere happy when his daddy would hurt him . . ."

"So, he didn't feel the hurt." Starr finished Blair's sentence for her.

Blair was amazed at her child. She should have known that Starr would be able to understand Todd's illness on some level. She knew she was wrong for having kept her in the dark. "Yes. Daddy went where he wouldn't feel the hurt. Now it's time for him to remember all the things that happened to him and that is making daddy very sad."

Starr leaned into Blair and put her arms around her and pressed her cheek against Blair's chest. "Does Daddy have to remember? Maybe they should let him pretend some more."

"Oh, sweetie. I wish they could, but Daddy needs to remember. You see even when we think we forget something we really don't. The memory is saved in little tiny parts of our brain. Then, if it's a bad memory, it is always there. It can make us sad unless we can get it out and talk about it."

"Is Daddy talking about the bad memories?" Starr pressed.

"Yes. He is starting to, but it takes a long time. Daddy can only remember a little at a time."

"Maybe I can help Daddy remember, like he used to help me remember my numbers and my letters?"

Blair hugged Starr even tighter and kissed her on the head. "I'm sure that when Daddy comes home he'll need you to help him in all kinds of ways, but these are special memories and Daddy needs a doctor to help him remember."

"Does the doctor hurt daddy? Does she give him shots?"

"Sometimes, but they only hurt for a second and then they make daddy feel better." Blair did not tell Starr that in her opinion they were not "making daddy feel better." They were harming him.

"Does Daddy have to get blood tests, like me?"

"Yes, sweetie. He does." Blair knew she had to level with Starr.

"Daddy used to hold me when I went for blood tests and then I wasn't so afraid. Maybe I can go and hold Daddy?"

Blair's heart was breaking. "Starr, the part of the hospital Daddy is in doesn't allow children." Blair's eyes welled up with tears when she saw the sadness etched in Starr's face. She knew her baby was not such a baby anymore. Hiding things from her just made it worse. "Starr, Mommy wants to ask your opinion on something." Starr stared up at her with questioning eyes. "Now this is probably not possible . . . so I don't want you to get your hopes up . . . if daddy could come home . . . before they make him all better . . ."

"DADDY'S COMING HOME!" Starr shouted gleefully.

"No . . . Starr . . . baby . . . listen to me. Daddy is still very sick. I thought maybe he might get better faster if he was home with us instead of in the hospital."

"He would Mommy. We'd make Daddy better real fast. I can read real good now, so I can read him stories and bring him ginger ale and put his medicine in applesauce so it don't taste so bad."

Blair knew she was not handling this right. "Starr, honey, if daddy did come home there might be times when you couldn't see him. Daddy might not seem like Daddy sometimes. His illness makes him need to be alone sometimes . . . or . . . or not act like himself. Daddy would also need to have a lot of doctors and nurses staying with him and there might be times when Daddy needs the house to himself and you would have to go stay with Auntie Dorian. Starr, please tell mommy the truth. Do you think you would be upset if Daddy was at home, but you couldn't see him or if you had to go away from home for a day or two?"

"No, Mommy. I want to do everything to help Daddy. I like to be alone sometimes too, like when I want to watch my favorite TV shows. I don't like it when you or daddy talk to me then."

"So it would be all right with you if sometimes you couldn't be around Daddy, even if he were home with us?"

"Uh-huh," Starr agreed. "Mommy?"

"Yes, baby."

"Is Daddy all alone in the hospital?"

"Noooo. Sweetie, Aunt Viki and Sam are with him all the time."

"Daddy loves Aunt Viki a lot, me too. Will she come to live here when Daddy does?"

Blair did not want to get Starr's hopes up. "Starr, remember Mommy told you that most likely daddy will not be able to come home yet and he will have to stay in the hospital. If he does come home, Aunt Viki won't be coming to live with us. Of course she can come to see him."

"What about Tee? Daddy loves Tee. Does she ever come to see him?"

Blair could tell all these questions had been preying on Starr's mind for a long time. "Yes. Téa comes to see Daddy."

"I'm glad Tee still likes Daddy, even if she doesn't like me anymore."

Blair noticed tears well up in Starr's eyes when she said that. Blair knew that Téa had genuinely cared for Starr and having her child feel disliked, by anyone, was never her intent. "Téa loves you very much, Starr. She never stopped, it's just that . . ." Blair was going to say that Téa was too busy or that she needed her space, but she knew that would be a lie. Starr was the one person on earth Blair did not lie to. "I asked Téa to stop coming around. Téa still wants to see you. I told her not to," Blair confessed to her daughter.

"Mommy, how come?" Starr didn't seem angry, as much as hurt.

"Because Mommy was being selfish. It makes Mommy feel uncomfortable to have Téa around because she is still Daddy's wife. I still like to think of you and me and Daddy as a family. Starr, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were thinking Téa didn't come around because she didn't like you anymore." Blair thought about Téa, cheating with Kevin behind Todd's back, and she felt rage. She didn't want her anywhere near her child. Still, she couldn't allow Starr to never again see someone she loved and longed to see. "Would you like it if Téa came to visit you?"

"Oh Mommy, can she!" Then Starr's excitement quickly faded into sadness. "Not if it makes you feel bad, Mommy."

"You are such a sweet little girl," Blair hugged Starr tightly and rocked her. "No, sweetie. It would not make me feel bad anymore. If I know seeing Téa is making you happy than I will be happy, but Téa will have to come see you at home. Okay?"

"Maybe we can have a tea party and then when Daddy comes home we can all have a tea party and lots of cookies."

Blair knew she would have to talk to Téa. This might work out after all. Maybe seeing Starr would make Téa feel guilty about hurting Todd? Maybe it would make her want to help get him away from the hospital or at the least she might slip and incriminate herself in some way. Blair still had her sleazy photographer following Téa around. So far he only got one more picture of her going into Kevin's car the other night. Kevin had already been in the car for quite some time when Téa got there, according to Jerry Skinner. 'A photo of Téa getting in a car, big deal!' Blair thought. 'I need more than that. Maybe Ms. Delgado will slip when she thinks she's just talking to Starr.' Blair decided to leave a tape recorder in the room when Téa came to visit.

The sound of Starr sniffling interrupted Blair’s thoughts. "Baby, what is it? Why are you crying?"

Guilt that had been eating away at Starr, for months now, could no longer be contained. "Mommy," Starr sobbed. "Daddy is sick because of me too."

"Oh Starr, no! No, he isn't. Sweetie, what makes you think that?"

Starr hung her head, as tears continued down her cheeks. Whispering, she confessed. "Because I get real mad at Daddy sometimes for going away for so long. I look at the stuff I make him and I say . . ." Starr couldn't get the words out. She choked on her sobs.

Blair noticed an older couple from another table staring at them. She gave them a dirty look and turned her attention back to Starr. "Tell Mommy, baby. It's all right to say it out loud. Nothing bad will happen."

Starr looked at Blair with sadness and desperation in her eyes. "Sometimes I say 'I hate you Daddy. I hate you a whole lot and I don't care if you never come home to me.' Daddy's still sick cause I said that. Cause I get real mad at him for going away for so long and leaving me. Daddy promised. He said it would always be me and him. 'Daddy and Shorty.' That's what he always said and he lied to me. Daddy went away and didn't wait for me or take me with him." Starr burst into fresh sobs.

Blair held Starr's head pressed against her chest. She gently rocked her child. She had no idea Starr was feeling these things. 'My God,' Blair thought. 'She keeps her feelings to herself the way Todd does. I've got to make sure she know it's okay to say what she feels.'

"Starr. Sweetie, listen to Mommy. You did not, in any way, make your daddy sick or keep him sick. You can't make someone sick just by being angry with him or her. It is all right to feel angry with people. Daddy became sick because of things that happened to him way before you were born or before daddy met Mommy or Aunt Viki or Sam or Téa."

"Mommy, I don't really hate Daddy. I love so big it makes my tummy get bigger." Starr pointed to her heart.

"I know you do. Daddy knows you do too. I promise," Blair assured her.

"Can Daddy hear it when I say I hate him and don't care if he ever comes home? I make sure Fred is not around when I say it."

Tears were rolling down Blair's cheeks too. "No, Starr. Daddy can't hear it when you say that, but daddy would understand that you're angry with him. He is very mad at himself for being sick and being away from you. If Daddy could, he would come home to you in a second."

"Do you think God is mad at me because I said mean things about Daddy and he's keeping him sick?"

Blair was beginning to think that Starr needed counseling to get her through this. Even though Blair, herself, had wondered many times what kind of God allows a child to be tortured the way Todd was, she said to Starr, "Oh honey. No." Blair held Starr tightly. "God doesn't punish someone because you get mad at them."

"Maybe God is mad at me for saying it and that's why he's keeping Daddy away from me?"

"No. Absolutely not! God doesn't work that way. He loves you and he loves Daddy and he would never hurt either one of you."

"For sure, Mommy?" Starr looked up at Blair.

Blair saw so much pain in her little girl's eyes. Blair knew Starr was not convinced. She hoped her own anger at God for allowing Todd to be hurt wasn't coming through. "For sure, baby. In fact . . . like I told you . . . Daddy is starting to get a teeny bit better."

"I won't be angry at Daddy any more!" Starr was adamant.

"Starr, it's all right to feel anger. It makes people feel sick inside if they don't let the anger out. I promise you. You can get angry with Daddy and Mommy and Aunt Dorian or Viki or anyone you want and it won't hurt them in anyway. You know what?"

"What, Mommy?" Starr looked questioningly at Blair.

"If you want, the next time you get mad you can tell me and we can get mad together. We won't get mad at Daddy. We'll get mad at Daddy's sickness. We can get real mad at daddy's sickness and at his daddy for making him sick."

"Yeah! I don't like anyone or anything that hurts Daddy."

Blair hugged Starr again and asked. "Do you have anything else that you've been thinking about that you want to tell Mommy?"

Starr thought for a moment. "No, Mommy. That's it." Blair hoped she was being honest. Starr did look like she was feeling better. Do you want any more of your burger or fries?" Starr shook her head. "Do you want to go the play area or do you want to go home?"

"I wanna go home, Mommy. I wanna draw a fresh bunny picture for Daddy and then tell Fred to tell Daddy how much I love him."

"Okay, pumpkin'. Let's put our stuff in that trash can over there and we'll go straight home."

*****

Sam and Viki were surprised to see Bill in Susannah's office when they got there. After they said their hellos, Susannah announced, "Bill has some information about Michelle's parents. I thought it would be best for him to explain it."

Both Sam and Viki's heart rate sped up. It had been a long time since they had even thought about Michelle's family. Now they were terrified to hear what Bill had to say.

"Let me start by saying they have not been found," Bill began. Viki and Sam let out audible sighs of relief. Bill went on to explain about Michelle's family being in witness protection.

"Jesus! I never would have thought of that," Sam exclaimed.

"So your friend still has no way of finding them?" Viki asked.

"He is trying to find someone who will talk to him . . . someone who, because of the situation, will put us in contact with them so that we can be the ones to explain to them what happened to Michelle."

Viki and Sam were grateful for that. They wanted to make sure Michelle's parents knew what Todd had been through that night too and that he tried to help Michelle as best he could.

"Do you think we have a chance of finding them?" Sam inquired.

"I think we do. It just may take some time until my friend can luck into the right intermediary," Bill explained.

"Susannah, does this mean you are going to start to push Todd to remember things about the night Michelle died?" Viki asked. The fear in her voice was apparent.

"No. Todd is not ready for that, not by any means. He is just starting to show progress remembering some of the less traumatic instances of abuse and those overwhelm him. No. You don't have to worry about that for now."

Sam and Viki felt relief, again. "We were running late so we came straight to your office when we got back. Has there been any change in Todd since we left?" Sam asked hopefully.

"No. I saw him just a while ago. He is still in a dissociative state. There was a problem though, but not with Todd." Susannah let them know this immediately, so they wouldn't get anxious.

"Just as you left for lunch," Susannah began, "Blair and Dorian came to visit Todd. Frank was in the room with them."

"Did Blair do something to upset him or did Dorian?" Viki asked angrily.

"No, not at all. I heard Blair was very good with him. She fed him and cleaned him up afterward. It's Dorian. Jeff caught her going through Todd's chart."

"What! What the Hell was she doing that for? Doesn't she know she violated his rights by doing that?" Sam was nearly shouting.

"Dorian has never concerned herself with someone's rights!" Viki added. Her voice was filled with fury. "Susannah, what do you think she was looking for?" Viki's tone had changed from anger to concern.

"She said Blair was worried and because she is a physician and family, she thought it would be all right if she checked the chart. She claims she would have asked me, but I was out to lunch."

A shiver ran up Viki's spine. She knew Dorian was up to something.

"Do you believe that?" Sam asked Susannah.

"No. Only Terry and Nancy were at the nurses station at the moment. Marcia was in the pantry checking to see what we needed sent up from the kitchen and Gwen was out to lunch. Jeff had gone into the break room or a quick soda. Dorian deliberately got rid of Terry and Nancy. She told Terry that she thought Todd was running a fever and was looking pale. She asked her to do vitals on him. Then she told Nancy that he had been shivering and needed extra blankets."

"That sounds just like Dorian. Susannah, I have a feeling she is up to something. I just don't know what. Why was she even here? Why did she come with Blair?" Viki pressed.

"She told Terry she had come to lend you moral support," Susannah answered.

"I don't have a good feeling about this either," Sam declared.

"We wrote up the incident. I would like you both to review the report, later," Susannah informed them.

"Yes. Of course," both Sam and Viki answered simultaneously.

"I think I'll pay Dorian a little visit tomorrow, if Todd is all right and I can leave for a while," Viki told them.

"Would you like me to come with you?" Sam offered.

"Or I can go with you," Susannah volunteered.

"No!" Viki said firmly. "This is between Dorian and me. I kind of thought her benevolence was getting old. I knew the real Dorian would have to surface sooner or later." Viki turned to Bill. "We are extremely grateful to you for everything you have done for Todd. Trying to find Michelle's parents so that we can explain things to them is just one thing of many."

"She's right, Bill. You have been here for us ever since we met you. I owe you, buddy," Sam added.

"Todd is a great kid. What happened to him is more horrible than anything I've ever come across. I think it's about time someone gave him a break," Bill replied.

"Can we go see him now?" Viki asked.

"Sure, we're done here," Susannah told them.

Sam and Viki headed out to see "their kid." Bill put his arm around Susannah's shoulder and rubbed her back. She leaned her head on his shoulder and just appreciated his presence. "If I know Viki," Susannah stated, "she'll be on her way to Dorian's and have it out with her this evening."

TO BE CONTINUED

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