Todd had not moved a muscle on his own since Sam and Viki had left him. He was curled up in the easy chair, staring off blankly.

"Hello, sweetheart." Viki hugged him to her. "I hear you had a nice visit with Blair and a good lunch." There was no response. Viki held Todd's hand. It was warm. When Todd was "with them" his hands were always like ice. Viki brought his hand to her lips and kissed it. "Goodone, you take good care of our boy," Viki called out and released Todd's hand. It stayed poised in the air, in the position Viki had held it in. Viki looked at Sam. She had tears in her eyes.

"It's okay. He's at peace. He'll come out of it. He needs this time away. They all do," Sam stated.

Viki gently lowered Todd's hand and placed it on his knee. "I know. A part of me is almost happy that he is probably with Goodone. If he is, he's feeling safe, warm and loved. He's been through so much in the past few days. Sam, when the memories start coming . . . that's the worst part. You can't imagine the pain." Viki's tone was very sad. She hated that Todd was going to have to go through the pain she went through when the memories started coming back, only Todd would be going through it tenfold, at least.

Viki looked at her watch. It was nearly five. She didn't want to wait until tomorrow to find out what Dorian had been up to. "Do you think it's safe for me to leave him for an hour or so?" Viki asked Sam.

"Sure. He's out of it. Susannah thinks he'll be like this for a while." Then, knowing Viki, Sam realized where Viki wanted to go. "Viki, maybe you should let Dorian go until tomorrow. You've had a really hard day." Sam suggestion was more of a plea. He was concerned Viki was putting too much pressure on herself. With all this going on, something had to break.

"Honey, I'm fine. I don't want to give Dorian time to think of a million excuses for what she did. I'll sleep better if I have it out with her now."

Sam knew once Viki had made up her mind, there was no point arguing with her. Not when it came to something that had to do with Dorian. Viki became obsessive when it had anything to do with Dorian. "Speaking of sleep . . . I want you to sleep at home tonight. I'll stay with Todd," Sam insisted.

"No! You slept here last night. I want you to sleep at home or in the lounge. I'll stay in Todd's room." Now it was Viki's turn to be insistant.

"Viki, no. Look, you went through Hell with your own therapy session. Please, for me. After you've seen Dorian, go home, take a long hot bath, have a good dinner and get some rest. Please! Do you know what it would do to Todd and the children if you got sick?"

"No more than if you did," Viki declared.

"Yes," Sam nodded, "a lot more than if I did. These children and Todd need their mama. You have to take care of yourself."

Viki thought for a moment. "Do you promise to get me immediately if Todd or any of them call for me?" "Yes," Sam promised.

"Even if it's three in the morning?" Viki pressed.

"Yes," Sam promised again. He realized Viki had never forgotten the one time he and Susannah kept Todd's condition from her, in order so spare her. He understood that left her afraid it might happen again. "Viki you have my word. I will not hesitate to call you if there is any change at all in Todd, bad or good. I respect your right to know and to decide for yourself if you should be here."

Viki kissed him. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you," Sam replied. He took Viki's hands in his. "Viki, there is nothing in this world, nothing, that you could tell me that would ever make me stop loving you. I blew the first part of my life. I want to get it right this time. I want you and Todd and me to be a family. I want that more than I have ever wanted anything."

"That's exactly what I want and I know it's what Todd wants, at least until he can get back to Téa and Starr. I think Todd needs to be a child, with good loving parents for a while, before he can be the husband and father he wants to be. He needs some of that nurturing he has miraculously been able to give Starr."

Sam fully agreed with Viki. "Todd took what little love he was able to get from Barbara and ran with it. He became a phenomenal father. I will never know how he did that. I'm just thankful that he did," Sam stated.

Viki squeezed Sam's hand. She kissed Todd on the head. She picked up her bag and coat and left for Dorian's.

*****

Dorian was not surprised when the maid told her Mrs. Carpenter was there to see her. She expected Viki or perhaps Sam or both. She did think it would not be until tomorrow. "Viki, how nice to see you. I stopped by the hospital this afternoon, but you and Sam were out to lunch. So was Doctor Hanen, for that matter. Do you really think it wise to leave Todd alone like that?"

Viki felt her anger rising. She could hear the venom under Dorian's concerned tone and sweet smile. "Todd was fine! The techs and nurses were with him. We were all within a block or two of the hospital and the staff knew how to reach us." Viki tried to keep her tone civil. She didn't want to put Dorian on the offense from the start, but it was difficult. Viki knew Dorian, perhaps better than anyone on earth, and she knew Dorian was up to something.

"Oh, I realize there are lots of staff members with Todd at all times." Dorian sighed. "Staff is not family, but you needn't worry. Blair was with him. She is so good with him. I'll tell you, they may have fought like cats and dogs when they were together, but when the chips are down I can't think of anyone better to have on your side than Blair. She loves Todd and takes excellent care of him. My goodness, you should have seen how patient she was with him. She was planning on feeding him when I left. Maybe a few days with Blair will help put some weight back on him." Dorian barely took a breath between sentences. Dorian then shook her head and commented, "He is so frightfully thin and pale. I don't know how you can stand to see him like that. Between us, I would really take a long, hard look at how severely he has deteriorated since he's been in that hospital."

Viki was seething with anger. "Dorian, what the Hell were you doing looking at Todd's chart? I have told you everything that is wrong with him. Why were you snooping?

"Snooping!" Dorian was playing it outraged and hurt. "I was showing concern for Todd and for Blair and that is how you interpret it? Viki, I thought we were past all that?"

'She really has it perfected,' Viki thought to herself. "Both you and Blair were told about any changes in Todd's condition. Apparently, you thought something was being kept from you. Why couldn't you have just asked?"

"As you know, there was no one there to ask. The staff would not have gone into any detail with us. They would have referred us to Doctor Hanen."

"You and Blair couldn't have waited for Susannah to get back from lunch!" Viki was not in the mood for these games.

"Viki, I understand you are having . . . " Dorian pursed her lips and brought her index finger and thumb close together. With a slight tilt of her head, she continued, "some little mental problems of your own to deal with right now. Perhaps Todd's care is too much for you?"

'You bitch,' Viki thought. "I am having some sessions with Susannah because some issues were never dealt with in my first therapy with her. I want to deal with then now." Viki tried to stay calm. She didn't want this to become a shouting match.

"Well dear, since Doctor Hanen failed you, do you really feel Todd is in the best of hands?"

"Failed me!" Viki was livid. She had to pause a moment before she continued. "Susannah saved my life, Dorian! I had been to many psychiatrists before her. She was the only one who finally recognized just how ill I was. She was the one who was finally able to make me whole and give me back my life. Todd couldn't be in better hands."

"Viki, you really should calm down. I don't mean to offend Doctor Hanen, but it seems to me that she did not complete the job with you."

Viki was determined not to allow Dorian to get to her. "As you know, Susannah had to go to Switzerland. She referred me to a fine psychiatrist. We just didn't click. I still had some feelings and memories that remained buried. Look, I am not here to discuss Susannah's competence. She is the finest psychiatrist I know and I trust her completely."

"Of course. I was just thinking of what was best for poor Todd. I would hate for Starr to lose her father."

"Starr will never lose her father. Now tell me why you were looking at Todd's chart and we can put an end to this conversation," Viki said through clenched teeth.

"I thought I already explained that. Blair was concerned. Doctor Hanen wasn't around. I am a doctor and Todd is family. I don't understand why this huge deal is being made of this."

"As a doctor, you should know that Susannah would have had to have permission from me to show you Todd's chart, and as a doctor you should also know you violated Todd's rights!"

"Oh please! What harm did it do? I think you should be far more concerned with Todd's labs and his weight."

Viki's anger turned to fear. She immediately thought Dorian saw something in the chart that no one told her about. "Why? What did you see?" she asked anxiously.

Dorian realized what Viki was thinking and felt a twinge of compassion for her. She quickly answered, "Just what you have told Blair and me. Todd's very anemic. His electrolytes have reached dangerous levels in the past. His renal functions are slightly elevated. His ECG has shown some abnormalities. He has been restrained and heavily sedated more times than I can count. Viki, Todd was a strong, healthy, young man when he was brought into that hospital. Now he is just falling apart."

Viki felt tears sting her eyes. She bit her lip and squeezed her hands into fists to keep them at bay. Viki took a deep breath and collected herself. "As a physician, you should know that major depression and mental illness in general can take their toll on someone, physically as well as emotionally, especially something as severe as DID, psychosis and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since you did see Todd's chart you must have seen that Susannah has started him on Procrit to help with the anemia. And she is increasing his feedings, slowly, to as much as Todd can tolerate. If he is fed too much at once, he vomits. Some of the alters are also starting to accept regular food more often. Todd has not lost any additional weight in a couple of weeks." Viki stated calmly.

"Well, after losing over thirty pounds it's a good thing . . . if there is to be anything left of that young man."

"Dorian, Todd is finally starting to show some progress. I don't want you or Blair to disrupt that in any way. You will have me to deal with if any harm comes to Todd because of either of you. Believe me, if you think you have seen me angry before, it is nothing compared to how I would feel toward anyone who caused Todd another second of misery. That child has suffered more than anyone would think humanly possible. I'm warning you, Dorian. I'm not kidding around here."

"Viki, you don't have to try to impress me with your rage. Are you forgetting I'm the one you threw down the stairs, kidnapped and imprisoned? You forced me to marry David Vickers . . . oh and let's not forget my being sent to death row. I think I know the extent of your rage. First you were obsessing about your father and now it's Todd. Honestly Viki, the men in your life are certainly hard on your psyche, aren't they?"

For a second, Viki felt Tori's rage. Now, luckily for Dorian, Viki herself was in control of her mind and her body. Allowing herself to feel this rage was still not something Viki was comfortable with. "My feelings for Todd have nothing to with my feelings for Father . . . other than the contempt I feel for Father for taking Todd away from Irene and giving him to the Mannings . . . and Todd and I share . . . we both know what it is to be abused and to have our childhood's stolen away from us." Viki did not feel this was the right time for this question, but she had to ask. "Are you positive that Father never, in any way, gave you even the slightest hint that he had a little boy hidden away or any indication that he was going to visit him?"

"I have already told you no. You know as well as I do that secrets were your father's passion . . . well, besides you. No, I had no idea Todd existed. By the way, have you looked at that letter Victor left for Todd?" Dorian tried to make her voice sound very casual.

"No. As I told you, that was meant for Todd. When he is well enough to handle whatever the contents might be, I will give it to him."

Dorian let that drop. She didn't want to appear too eager. She was happy Viki never noticed the missing check. Not that it had done Dorian much good. She looked through all of Victor's belongings over and over again and found no further connection to James Porter. She called the bank Victor had drawn the checks from and could get no information from them, even when she pretended to be his daughter. She tried to get some information from the bank Porter used to cash the checks and came up blank there too. Unbeknownst to even Blair, Dorian hired a private detective to try to find James Porter.

Viki changed the subject back to the reason she came to Dorian's in the first place. "Why were you looking at Todd's chart, Dorian?"

"I told you! I did it to put Blair's mind at ease. My goodness! You would think I was looking at top government secrets."

"I know you, Dorian. You're up to something. Todd has enough problems. If you cause any more for him, I swear . . ."

"My, my, aren't we full of threats today? I should have known your overtures toward friendship wouldn't last. You've never forgiven me for coming between you and your father, have you? Ohhh, big bad Dorian stole Daddy away from princess Victoria, didn't she? Are you ever going to get over that? You always wanted Daddy all to yourself. You would have hated any woman your father loved!"

"Loved! You think Father loved you? He may have been perverted, but he wasn't stupid! He knew what you were, Dorian. The whole town knew what you were. You thought taking down my mother's portrait and parading around town as Mrs. Victor Lord brought you any respectably? Everyone knew you married Father for his name and his money, and still that was never enough for you. You've never stopped trying to hurt me. Even if you had to use one of my children to do it . . . even if you had to try to ruin Sloan's reputation to do it. You never cared who got hurt . . . Joey . . . Cassie," Viki declared loudly.

"You know I cared very deeply for Joe. I have never done anything to deliberately hurt my child!" Dorian defended herself.

"YOU CARED ABOUT HURTING ME. YOU CARED ABOUT TAKING SOMEONE ELSE AWAY FROM ME," Viki accused loudly.

"JOE CAME TO ME WILLINGLY. I NEVER HELD A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND I NEVER HELD ONE TO VICTOR'S HEAD EITHER. YOUR FATHER WANTED TO MARRY ME AND YOU COULD NOT STAND NOT BEING NUMBER ONE IN DADDY'S HEART," Dorian shouted back.

Viki laughed. "He married you to get back at me. He married you because he couldn't come between Joe and me."

"It's always about you, isn't it? Always about Viki. If I had been executed for killing Victor you would have found some way to turn it around to you being hurt by my death. I wouldn't be surprised if your father married me to get back at you. He was a disgusting degenerate. He was a monster. Yet, you are the one who can't let go of him. Oh, yes. You hate him for what he did to you and even more for what he did to Todd, but you still can't let go of him. You still hate me for taking him away from you. You were a married woman, yet you still wanted to be Daddy's girl . . . Daddy's one and only. Get over it Viki! Be glad you rid the world of that sick bastard. Suffocating the life out of his evil body was the best thing you ever did in your life!"

Viki slapped Dorian so hard Dorian fell to the couch. They both became perfectly still. They were both shocked by Viki's reaction. Viki could not believe she had just done that. She also could not believe that hearing Dorian talk about her father that way could still stir up so much rage. "Oh my God, Dorian. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"

Rubbing the side of her face, Dorian looked up at Viki and snapped, "I suppose I should be grateful you didn't throw me down the stairs this time. I am really happy that you are back in therapy. You need it Viki! If you are Viki?"

"Yes, I'm Viki. I'm the one who handles my anger now. I take full responsibility for hitting you. I am sorry."

Dorian stood up. She was still rubbing her left cheek. "You still love him don't you? Risking another slap, or worse, I have to say that you need help, Viki. There is a part of you that still loves that monster . . . that still needs to be Daddy's obedient little girl. Maybe you should get yourself healed before you play mommy to Todd. What if Todd calls Victor names and says the truth about him? Are you going to hit him too?"

Viki was horrified. "I would never lay a finger on Todd no matter what, and you know it. Todd hates Father, with good reason. He has said many of the same things about him that you have."

"Oh, I see. But Todd did not steal Daddy away from you. Todd did not share Daddy's bed. Is that it Viki? Did the thought of me in your father's bed eat you up inside? Did it kill you to know that he would share that part of himself that made you feel loved, with me?"

"That is sick, Dorian, even for you. You know I hated what Father did to me."

"Yes, I know that," Dorian admitted with a touch of compassion in her voice. It quickly left. "I also know enough about child abuse to know that the abuse is all mixed up with feeling loved and wanted. Your father confused you Viki. He made you feel that to abuse you was to love you. Your father was a cold son of a bitch. I am sure he was usually that way with you too, but when he abused you he was warm and loving, wasn't he? That was probably the only time he was ever warm to you and that he didn't treat you like a piece of property. That is how a sick twisted mind like your father's works. It was in bed that his Victoria became his princess."

Viki couldn't stand it anymore. She needed to get out of there. Even though she knew every word Dorian spoke was true, she didn't want to hear it . . . not now and certainly not from Dorian. Viki picked up her purse from the coffee table.

"You never could stand hearing the truth about your father. I have to give you credit. At least you stayed Viki."

"You needn't worry about that, Dorian. If you get pushed down the stairs again, you can rest assure that it will be by me, Viki! Don't ever do anything to hurt Todd, Dorian. I promise you. You will live to regret it. You will wish you had been executed by the state." With that, Viki turned around and left.

Dorian rubbed her cheek. "I'm sure Blair's lawyer will be happy to hear how unstable and violent Todd's sister is. Imagine a poor child like Timmy being left alone with her?" Dorian thought out loud. She then realized she was more determined than ever to find out what Victor thought was worth almost a quarter of a million dollars to hide.

*****

Viki was deeply shaken by her encounter with Dorian. She was also furious. Once, alone in her car, Viki shouted, "THERE IS NO PART OF ME THAT STILL LOVES HIM!" Then quietly, she added, "not after what I remembered he did to me and to Todd." Viki thought back to the times she was abused. Those were the only times Victor had shown her any warmth. Viki put her head on the steering wheel and wept for the little girl who so desperately wanted to be loved by the only parent she had, even if he was a monster. Slowly, Viki's tears subsided. She lifted her head and wiped her eyes. She still felt shaken. She did not want to think about any of the things Dorian had said . . . not now . . . not tonight. She wanted to be with Todd. She knew she had promised Sam she would go home. That was not what she wanted to do. Kevin, who was still staying at the house, would be home later. He would know something was bothering her. Out of a son's concern, he would ask her about it. She did not want to discuss it with him or with anyone right now. Sam would know too. Viki knew he would sense she didn't want to discuss it and not bring it up. Mostly, Viki wanted to be with Todd. She just had a feeling that she needed to be with him. Viki headed back to the hospital.

Sam was feeding Todd some yogurt when Viki came back. She could see that Sam did not look all that surprised to see her. Sam shook his head slightly and asked, "So what happened to that night off you were supposed to have?"

Viki put one hand on Sam's shoulder and stroked Todd's head with the other. "I am happiest when I am with my two guys here."

"Okay, but you go to the lounge tonight, deal?"

"Deal!" Viki agreed.

Then in a more serious tone, Sam asked, "Are you all right? Any problem with Dorian?"

"Yes and yes," Viki answered. "I'm fine. The last thing I want right now is to talk about Dorian. I can say that I don't think she will be sneaking around here any time soon."

"You know we could have her banned from coming onto the unit," Sam suggested.

"No. I don't want to do that just yet. Sometimes this is hard for Blair and Dorian is really her main support. I honestly don't think she will be trying that again." Changing the subject, Viki asked, "How's he been? I see that you are getting him to eat some more."

"He's doing great. Aren't you, Boomer?" Sam stroked Todd's cheek and smiled at him. "He had another bowl of oatmeal and now he is having some yogurt."

Viki kissed the top of Todd's head and went to take off her jacket. Suddenly, Todd seemed to choke on the yogurt in his mouth. "I hate that yucky stuff."

Viki turned quickly. She and Sam thought it sounded like Tom or Thomas. They weren't sure. Taking a guess, Sam asked, "Thomas?"

"Yeah. I don't want no more of that stuff." He wiped his tongue on the sleeve of his robe.

Sam smiled. He took the yogurt away and promised, "Well then you don't have to eat any more of it. Todd seemed to like it, so I was feeding it to him."

"Silly, that wasn't Todd." Thomas' expression became angry. So did the tone of his voice. "Todd is with Papa. Todd is always with Papa." Thomas emphasized the word always.

Viki walked over to him. She wanted to hug him. However, she remembered he did not like to be touched by any woman other than his mother. "Thomas, I'm sorry Todd takes up so much of your papa's time." Viki acknowledged his feelings. "Todd is very frightened and he needs to be with Papa now. The good side of that is that we get to be with you and you get to come out and play with the toys and watch television and talk to us."

"Yeah, I guess that's good," Thomas begrudgingly admitted.

Thomas stood up. He immediately noticed he felt better and stronger than the last time he was out. He also felt like he couldn't sit still for another second. "Can I go to the playroom?"

Sam looked at his watch. "Sorry, pal. The playroom is closed."

They could see Thomas was starting to get upset. Hoping to distract him, Viki reminded him there was a whole toy box full of toys right there in his room.

Thomas got down on his knees in front of the toy box and began pulling out some toys. He was rocking back and forth from his knees to his heels. His body was in constant motion. They were afraid he was still feeling the akathisia that he felt last time he was out. So far, only Thomas exhibited that particular extrapyramidal symptom. He was the only one who seemed to suffer the intense feelings of restlessness and anxiety that akathisia brought on.

Thomas took out each toy and looked it over and then discarded it on the floor. Sam stepped out of the room to alert Dave to Thomas' presence and to ask him to call Susannah.

"I heard him. She's on her way," Dave informed Sam, from his post outside the door. He had also alerted Carl and Dan. Sam saw they were on their way down the hall.

Thomas' rocking back and forth has increased. As did the speed with which he checked out and discarded each toy. So far he found nothing that peaked his interest. When the box was half empty, he lost interest in it all together and stood up. They noticed he wasn't dizzy. He started to pace and mumble to himself. Sam and Viki could not make out what he was saying.

Dave saw what was happening. He stepped into the room. "Hey, Thomas. How you doing, buddy? We haven't seen you for a while."

Thomas looked up at Dave. "You don't like me anyway. Nobody likes me."

"Thomas that's not true. I like you very much," Dave responded calmly.

Thomas' pacing quickened. "NO YOU DON'T!" he shouted and then continued to mumble to himself.

Susannah had been surprised to hear that Thomas had come out. She thought that none of the alters or Todd would be coming back for a while yet. She did remember that when Todd was with Goodone for any length of time, Thomas became more upset than anyone. Susannah had planned on getting home early and taking Bill up on an offer to cook dinner for her. She smiled to herself and thought, 'maybe we can aim at a very late dinner?'

As soon as Susannah walked into the room, she immediately saw that Thomas was feeling the effects of akathisia. "Hi Thomas," Susannah called out when she came into the room. Thomas looked at her and quickly looked away. He didn't answer. "How fast did he escalate?" Susannah whispered to Dave.

"Fast! He felt it as soon as he came out." Dave whispered back.

"Thomas, can you come over here and talk with me for a few minutes?" Susannah requested.

"YOU HATE ME TOO!" he screamed.

"Why do you think I hate you?" Susannah asked calmly.

"Everybody does. I don't care. You can't hurt me. Go ahead and try. I don't care," Thomas stated miserably. He looked as unhappy as he felt.

"No one will try to hurt you," Susannah assured him.

"HA, HA! YOU CAN'T ANYWAY. LOOK!" Before anyone could stop him, Thomas gouged his fingernails across his left cheek, leaving a trail of blood behind.

Dave was acting as team leader. He quickly assigned limbs. He got in back of Thomas and physically restrained him. He stabilized Thomas' arms in front of him, at his waist. Dave inched himself and Thomas along the floor until Dave felt his back make contact with the wall. Dan, Connie, Carl and Marcia assisted. Thomas' limbs and head were stabilized.

"LET GO! LET GO!" Thomas shrieked. "Thomas, hurting yourself is not okay. We will let you go if you calm down," Dave spoke to him calmly.

"I WASN'T TRYING TO HURT MYSELF! NOTHING HURTS ME! " Thomas screamed. Then in a normal tone he added. "I was just showing you."

Susannah realized he did not intend to harm himself. He was merely demonstrating that nothing hurt him. Susannah approached him. "Thomas, I know you didn't mean to hurt yourself, but you still hurt Todd's body. I need you to promise that you will not try to prove you don't feel pain by harming yourself or Todd's body. Do you promise?"

"Make them let me go." Thomas began to cry.

"You have to promise first. I need to know that you'll stay safe."

"I was just showing you, you can't hurt me just because you're all mad at me and hate me," Thomas wept.

"Tell us why you think we hate you?" Susannah prompted gently.

"Because I hit Andy and Sam yelled and you didn't call me honey and Sam didn't call me Boomer. Everybody hates me. Viki don't want me to be her brother and Mama plays with those stupid twins and Papa likes Todd best." Thomas was sobbing. He was no longer fighting the hold. He was leaning back into Dave's broad chest. Thomas' body shook with each sob.

They all exchanged looks. Thomas hadn't been out since he hit Andy in the face with the Lego, when Andy said he hated their mom. They had forgotten that Thomas found security and affection in the terms of endearment that Susannah and Sam used with him. "I'm sorry, honey, I forgot," Susannah apologized.

"So, did I, Boomer." Sam approached him.

Susannah nodded slightly to let her team know it was all right to release the hold. When they he did, Thomas sat still. He kept his head hung down. He wasn't making eye contact with anyone. Sam approached him. He lifted Thomas' face up by the chin. Blood was slowly trickling down Thomas' cheek.

Susannah turned to Connie "Will you please bring me some antiseptic, bandages and some Bactroban."

"Be right back," Connie responded.

"Honey, we are not angry with you for hitting Andy. We do need you to understand that hitting is not okay. Hitting is not safe behavior. If you are angry with someone you can tell him or her, as many times as you like, but no hitting. No one likes to be hurt. Do you understand?"

"Andy said bad things about Mama. He always says bad things about Mama. I don't like it when anyone talks mean about Mama."

"I know you don't. You can explain that to Andy. You can tell him it makes you feel bad when he says those things about your mother," Susannah carefully explained.

"Andy don't wanna talk to nobody no more. He just wants to sleep and be left alone. He don't even wanna play."

Susannah was very concerned to hear Thomas say that Andy was exhibiting symptoms of a severe depression. She knew it was because of what Andy revealed the last time he was out. He was probably still feeling the shame and guilt of having experienced any good feeling at all during stimulation. He was seeing himself through his mother's eyes. Perhaps he felt that Viki and Sam hated him or were ashamed of him for what he reveled. Susannah knew that if he didn't come out soon, she would have to try to get him out.

"Thomas, is Andy with Carol?" Susannah inquired.

"Yeah, but he stays in his place and he don't ask to play with us no more. Is he gonna be killed again?"

"No! Absolutely not. Thomas, Andy was never killed. He was hurt very badly by Todd's father, but he never died.

"Uh-uh! He died for a real long time. Mike sent him away." Thomas was bouncing from one foot to the other. His body stayed in constant motion.

Connie came back in with a tray full of the things Susannah asked for. "Thomas, Connie is going to clean the scratch on your face and put some antibacterial cream on it and a bandage."

"Okay," Thomas answered calmly. He seemed to have no fear of any medical procedure, because he felt no pain.

"Thomas, I need you to sit in the chair for just a few minutes," Connie announced. She patted one of the chairs in the room.

"No! I don't wanna sit," Thomas whined.

"Why don't you want to sit?" Susannah needed to hear him explain what he was feeling.

"Because my legs don't want to. I can't. Please don't make me!"

Susannah realized that he was having a major side effect from the Zyprexa. He was suffering greatly from akathisia. If Thomas were going to be coming out more often this would be a problem. Susannah turned to Connie and instructed, "Let's try to do this while he's standing." She turned back to Thomas and explained to him, "Okay, honey. We will clean and bandage your face while you stand, but you have to stand as still as you can, just for a few minutes. If you really need to move I want you to raise your right hand and let us know. Do you think you can do that?"

Thomas nodded. "I'm not afraid of getting fixed up when I get hurt. Most of the others are big crybabies . . . not me. I never cry. Even when Doctor Evens stitches me up or give me shots or does other stuff. I never cry. I get the most lollipops."

"You're a brave boy, Boomer," Sam put his arm around Thomas' shoulder. He let it rest there. Not only did Sam feel the need to hold this child. He thought it would help Thomas to hold still. Thomas seemed to tolerate Sam holding him that way.

Connie had cleaned the scratch and had applied the Bactroban when Thomas raised his hand. Sam had been feeling Thomas' entire body start to twitch slightly. Connie noticed it too. "I wanna walk around now." Thomas's tone was slightly desperate.

"All right you can move around for a minute, just don't touch your face or even put your hands near it," Susannah instructed him.

Thomas started to pace again. They could make out some of his muttering. "Don't want to . . . I don't like it like this . . . Mama . . . why . . . Mama"

"Thomas, honey, it's time for you to come back here and let Connie put the bandage on. It will just take a couple of seconds. Then you can walk around some more if you like."

Thomas' eyes filled with tears and he gave a tiny sigh of protest, but he kept his word and stood as still as he could until the bandage was in place.

"There you go, Thomas, all done," Connie declared.

"Do I get a lollipop here too? I was good," Thomas pointed out.

"Sure you do. Let me guess, you would like an orange one," Susannah teased.

"Yep! That's my favorite flavor. You remembered." Thomas' tone was that of surprised.

"Sure I did. I try to remember everything about you," Susannah responded.

Thomas smiled. Because he was distracted, he was able to stand still for a few seconds. Then he started to pace again. Thomas was sucking on his lollipop and still pacing, but not as frantically. Sam and Viki exchanged looks with Susannah. She knew they were becoming very concerned for Thomas.

"I know you don't like to draw, honey. I think you would feel better if you played a game or played with some of the toys. Susannah knew those intense feelings of "ants in the pants" might improve if he concentrated on something.

"Come, on Boomer. You love building things with Lego's why don't you show me how?" Sam suggested.

Thomas shrugged and allowed Sam to walk him over to the toys. He was still bouncing back and forth from his knees to his heels and he was still fidgety, but he was concentrating and it was helping.

Susannah sat down on the floor, next to Thomas and Sam. She casually asked, "Honey, you mentioned Mike. Can you tell me about Mike?" Thomas looked at the staff that was still in the room. Susannah asked Dave and Carl to wait outside the door and told the others they could leave. "Okay, honey. So, you were about to tell me about Mike." Susannah continued to keep her tone casual.

"He's the boss. What he says goes. Even Mama and Papa have to listen to him." Thomas answered, just as casually.

"Is he mean to them or to you?"

"Uh-uh, but you still gotta listen to him or you can get sent away like Andy."

"Thomas, do you know the other Todd, the one who is fourteen?"

"Uh-uh," Thomas shook his head.

"Do you ever hear someone crying inside?" Susannah probed.

"I hear a lot of crying. Todd cries and then Papa comes and takes him to their special place." They heard anger and sadness in Thomas' voice.

"Who else cries?" Susannah pushed.

"I don't know. Some are real far away and I can just hear them a little, but I can't see them. They sound like real little kids."

"Do you hear an older boy crying?"

"Everybody hears him crying," Thomas rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"He cries all the time?" Susannah asked.

"All the time." Thomas emphasized the word all.

"Does anyone try to help him?"

"No one knows where he is, not even Papa. He hides real good. Better than Todd."

Susannah believed it was the fourteen-year-old Todd who constantly cried.

Viki and Sam both had tears in their eyes. The thought of teen Todd's anguish was unbearable. He was suffering so, and he was all alone and in constant pain.

"Does Mike come around a lot?" Susannah continued the session.

"No! If he comes you're in trouble! I'm not supposed to talk about him. You're gonna get me in trouble." Thomas was getting anxious.

"Okay, honey. We'll stop talking about Mike. What about Pete, do you know Pete?"

"Yeah, nothing hurts him either. He likes me, but he don't like Tom. He says Tom's a stupid wimp and I'm not. Pete lets me hang out with him sometimes and he's real old and big," Thomas announced with the pride of an eight year old that gets to hang out with the older kids.

"Pete is fourteen," Susannah stated.

"Yeah. I said he was real old! Pete says he's the boss . . . but he has to listen to Mike too," Thomas admitted. "Pete says he don't let that old lady tell him what to do. Pete never comes over to where Mama and Papa are. He stays with the old lady. Pete says he's gonna run away someday and leave Todd behind and I can go with him if I want, but I won't ever leave Mama. When Mama leaves she's gonna take me with her." Thomas gasped and covered his mouth with his hands.

"What is it, honey? Did something frighten you?" Susannah asked.

Thomas stood up and started pacing and mumbling to himself again. They could not make out what he was saying. "Come on, Boomer. Finish showing me how to build a castle," Sam called out. He tried to distract Thomas again.

Thomas' pacing quickened. He held his arms at his sides. Then he started to wave his hands. Susannah approached him cautiously. She was thinking of tying a dose of propranolol with him. Cogentin wasn't usually effective with akathisia. She hesitated because with propranolol she could run the risk of lowering his blood pressure and his heart rate. She decided to try to get him a calmer with talk therapy first.

"Honey, you don't have to sit down, but I want you to come over here and talk to me." Thomas was starting to make little whimpering sounds. Susannah knew he was horribly uncomfortable and feeling miserable. "Come over here, honey. I want you to try to concentrate on talking to me." Thomas walked to where she stood. He kept bouncing from one foot to the other. He alternately bounced back and forth. "Can you tell me what upset you when you mentioned your mama leaving?"

"I can't tell you. It's a secret. I'm the only one Mama told . . . not Todd or Timmy or Tom or nobody else, just me."

Susannah tried a different approach. "If I guess, it wouldn't be the same as telling. Will you let me know if I guess correctly?" Thomas thought about it for a minute. His restless movements seemed to slow down a little as he concentrated on Susannah's question.

"Do you promise not to tell Daddy?"

"Yes, I promise. Honey, I will never tell anyone anything you tell me if you don't want me to," Susannah assured him.

Remembering Sam and Viki were in the room, Thomas turned to them. "Do you promise too?" They both assured him as well. He turned his attention back to Susannah. "Okay, but you have to guess cause I promised Mama not to tell and I never lie to Mama."

"Did Mama tell you she was going to leave your daddy?" Susannah guessed.

Thomas looked Susannah in the eye and nodded.

"Did she also promise that when she did she would take you with her?"

He nodded again. "Mama would never leave me behind. She loves me more than anything and I'm her best boy. She tells me about all the things we'll do and all the places we'll go when me and her leave Daddy. I hate Daddy. I don't care if I never see him again!" Thomas' eyes darted around the room, as if he expected to see Peter standing there, ready to pounce.

"Your father's not here, honey. He can never, ever, come to this hospital. You are safe here and can say anything you want to about your father," Susannah assured him.

Thomas looked at her skeptically. "Daddy says he can hear anything we say. Even when we're at school or far away from the house."

Cautiously, Susannah told him, "Honey, your daddy lied to you. He was trying to scare you so that you wouldn't say anything bad about him. He could not hear you unless he was near you or in the room with you."

"Daddy lied?" Thomas' tone was a combination of confusion, sadness and anger.

"Yes, honey. I'm afraid so. He was just trying to scare you."

"But Mama said don't say anything bad about Daddy to anyone. She said it would make him a lot madder at us." Thomas was trying to make sense out of what Susannah told him.

"Mama was afraid that whomever you told might let Daddy know you talked about him. She did not mean that Daddy could actually hear you tell." Susannah did her best to explain on a level she knew Thomas would understand. Thomas looked very confused. Fortunately, his movements had slowed down.

"Mama and me whispered in her room. She let me lie down with her and she told me all the secrets. I didn't even mind that Mama's mouth smelled funny from that booze stuff she drinks."

"You feel good and safe with Mama," Susannah restated.

Thomas nodded. "I make Mama feel better too. Sometimes she starts to cry because she misses her daddy so much and I pat her hair and put my head on her shoulder and tell her that I'll take care of her now that grandpa went to heaven." Thomas looked sad and a little scared.

"Honey, did you remember something?"

Thomas looked at Susannah and nodded. "Mama wanted to take us both to heaven to be with grandpa. I got afraid and started to cry. I told her I didn't want to go to heaven. I told her I wanted to stay here and play with my bicycle and my toys and go to school. I like school. I read and spell real good, better than anyone. I know all my multiplication tables and I can divide real good too. The teachers like it when I'm out," Thomas said proudly, but without bragging.

They all realized that Barbara has entertained thoughts of killing herself and taking Todd with her. She must have thought she could end both their miseries. She had apparently voiced those thoughts to Todd. They also remembered that Barbara had a history of at least one suicide attempt that they knew of and that Thomas had been the one to find her.

"You are a very smart boy," Susannah acknowledged. Thomas smiled. "Did Mama talk a lot about taking you to heaven with her?" Susannah pressed.

"Not a whole bunch lot, but some. Maybe I shouldn't be chicken? Maybe it would be nice to be with Grandpa Tom? Mama was always so happy when Grandpa Tom would come visit or we would go to see him. She would put on her extra pretty dresses and bake him oatmeal raisin cookies. Grandpa Tom used to hug Mama and say 'how's my beautiful girl.' I never saw nobody but him or us hug Mama. Daddy never did," Thomas sadly admitted.

"Did it make you feel good to see Grandpa Tom hug Mama?" Susannah posed.

Thomas nodded. "I wish we could go live with Grandpa Tom like Mama wants. He's real nice to all of us. Everybody but daddy likes Grandpa Tom."

"Did your daddy ever say why he doesn't like Grandpa Tom?" Susannah noticed he was still bouncing as he stood and he was figidity. However, he was able to calmly answer her questions.

"I hear him when he yells at Mama. He says Grandpa Tom spoils her and puts ideas in her head. He says he spoils us too. He said to Mama that her daddy put up with a lot of crap from her mama, but she shouldn't think he'd put up with any from her. After Grandpa Tom leaves, Daddy always takes away any presents Grandpa Tom brings us. He takes away Mama's presents too. Sometimes Grandpa comes when Daddy's at work. We like that best and so does Mama. Then Grandpa Tom puts us on his knee and tells us stories and gives us candy. I like to sit on his lap. He's soft and his tummy feels good to lean on." Viki, Sam, Susannah all smiled at the knowledge and the image of Todd being loved and shown affection that way.

Thomas continued, "I keep Grandpa Tom's visits a secret real good. One time Daddy found a candy wrapper from the kind of candy that only Grandpa Tom carries around and he started yelling about him coming over. I knew Mama would be in big trouble if Daddy found out and I kept the secret real good when he asked me. Daddy hit me with the belt, but it didn't hurt. I never told. I kept our secret the best," Thomas added proudly.

"Was Mama there when Daddy was hitting you for not telling?" Viki asked.

"No. Mama was upstairs sleeping. When Grandpa Tom left Mama liked to drink a lot of that booze stuff and then she'd get real sleepy." Thomas was quiet for a moment. "Do you think me and Mama should go live in heaven with Grandpa Tom?" Thomas innocently asked.

"Oh, sweetheart. No! No, we want you right here with us," Viki declared. She rushed to Thomas and put her arms around him. Thomas squirmed away. For the moment, she had forgotten that he did not like being held by any woman other than his mother. "I'm sorry, Thomas. I forgot you don't like to be held," Viki apologized.

Thomas continued to look uncomfortable. He started to pace again, but not with the same fervor he did before. Thomas started to feel the bandage on his face.

"Honey, take your hand away from your face. Don't touch the bandage," Susannah cautioned.

"It doesn't even hurt!" Thomas snapped. Thomas was getting annoyed at constantly being told what to do.

"I know it doesn't. Even if it doesn't hurt, if it gets dirty, it can still become infected," Susannah explained.

"I don't care!" Thomas yelled back.

Viki felt horrible that she had forgotten and held him, thus causing this mood. She loved being able to hug and show love to the alters and Todd as much as they would allow. Todd had always cringed from touch. So many times in the past Viki had wanted to take him in her arms and comfort him. There were times her arms ached to do so. She didn't. Todd had always had his "no touch" aura firmly around him. It was only since his he became so much sicker and blind that he seemed to take some comfort in being held by Viki. Viki knew that at times, Todd confused her with his mother. Nevertheless, there were times when he seemed to want comfort from her. Viki was now getting a similar "no touch" feeling from Thomas, only to a lesser degree. Thomas continued to pace.

"Thomas, what about your other grandfather, Grandpa Ed?" Susannah called out to him. She was trying to redirect him back to doing treatment and she wanted to distract him.

"I don't like him. I don't hate him like I do Daddy, but I don't like him neither," Thomas answered sullenly.

"Can you tell us why you don't you like him?" Susannah continued to press.

Thomas walked around the room. He ran his hand over the furniture and walls as he walked. He continued to do this as he answered Susannah's question. "Daddy is always even meaner to Mama and us when Grandpa Ed comes to visit."

"How does Daddy act in front of Grandpa Ed?" Susannah inquired.

"Like he's scared of him. But Daddy's never scared of nothin' so I guess he's not really scared."

Susannah remembered Zack Rosen telling her how terrified Todd was when he was in his father's presence. She remembered Zack saying it was embarrassing to watch a "super jock" like Todd cower in his father's presence and that Todd had seemed scared out of his mind when Peter came near him. Zack had told her that even in front of friends, whom he was trying to impress, Todd could not control his fear. She wondered if Peter felt the same way in front of his father. She was fairly sure that his father had abused Peter and in turn, he abused Todd and Barbara. That Todd had been able to break the cycle of abuse, without therapy, astounded Susannah. "Honey, how did Grandpa Ed treat Daddy?"

"He didn't yell at him, but he talked real mean to him. Daddy would tell him about all the important stuff he did on his job and how much money he made and Grandpa Ed would tell him that he should have done it better and made even more money." Thomas stared off into space as he recalled more about Peter's relationship with Grandpa Ed. "Sometimes Grandpa Ed used to call Daddy stupid. I thought Daddy was gonna hit him, because nobody can say that to my daddy." Thomas shrugged. "But Daddy didn't say nothin'. He never yelled at Grandpa Ed or tried to hit him when Grandpa Ed was mean to him."

"How did it make you feel when Grandpa Ed spoke mean to your daddy?" Susannah asked gently.

Thomas looked down. "I felt bad for Daddy. He looked like Grandpa was making him feel sad."

Sam was astounded. He thought any one of the alters would be happy to see Peter get a taste of his own medicine. Instead, the goodness inside Todd prevailed. He knew what it felt like to be hurt and he felt bad for his father's pain. 'What an amazing kid,' Sam thought.

Viki understood. Even after all Victor had done to her, she hated the thought of anyone hurting him. She realized how ironic that was, considering she smothered the life out of his body.

"How did Grandpa Ed treat you and your mama?" Susannah continued to pursue this.

"He used to say things to Mama that made her face get all red. Mama didn't stay in the room with Grandpa Ed too much." Then Thomas whispered, "I don't think Mama liked him either."

"How did Grandpa Ed treat you?" Susannah continued.

"He didn't hit me. He didn't hit none of us. Thomas hunched his shoulders. He looked like the memory he was having made his skin crawl. "I didn't like him to touch me."

"Why was that?" Susannah kept her voice casual.

At first, Thomas just shrugged. He continued to walk around the room, brushing his hand over everything. They waited patiently and silently, giving Thomas time to answer. After a few minutes he surprised them by saying, "Grandpa Ed touched me funny. I didn't like it."

"Can you tell us what you mean by funny?" Susannah prompted.

Thomas looked confused.

"Do you mean Grandpa Ed touched you inappropriately?" Susannah restated.

Thomas looked even more confused.

Susannah made her question clearer. "Did he touch you on your boy parts?" She assumed that he too would call it by the name Barbara had taught them.

Thomas looked down. His face blushed in embarrassment. "Just once. I told Mama and she said to leave the room when he came over. She would tell me to go clean my room when Grandpa Ed came to visit."

"Did Daddy let you stay upstairs?" Susannah prodded.

Thomas nodded.

Susannah understood that it fit Peter's profile to not want anyone but him to be in control of Todd and Todd's body. Perhaps he was also afraid that Grandpa Ed would realize how severely Todd was being abuse. He could have tried to take the child from him, just to exert that kind of power over Peter. It certainly would not have given Todd a better life if he had. In all likelihood, Peter had been physically and sexually abused as a child too.

"Daddy is always extra mad after Grandpa Ed leaves. He goes upstairs and starts fighting with Mama. He keeps saying stuff to her until she gets mad and answers him back and then he starts hitting her." Thomas was continuing, un-prompted by Susannah.

"How do you feel when Daddy starts to hit Mama?" Susannah asked.

"I hate him so much. Sometimes I run to Mama's room and try to stop Daddy, but that makes Mama cry even harder and then she yells for me to go back to my room and for Daddy to stop hitting me. I once told Mama it didn't hurt when Daddy hit me, but she didn't believe me," Thomas stated sadly. Thomas put is hand to his cheek. "You believe me, don't you?" he asked plaintively.

"Yes, honey. We believe you. Do you remember what I told you about touching your cheek?" Susannah gently reminded him. Thomas removed his hand from his cheek.

Susannah knew he had enough for now. Even though his pacing had slowed, he was getting short of breath from talking while he was moving around so much. He looked very tired. "Honey, you have been on your feet for a long time now. I want you to try to lie down for a while or sit in the chair." Thomas felt very tired and he just felt odd. At the same time he felt as if he would explode if he tried to sit still. He felt very anxious. Susannah knew if he stayed out, she would have to order a stronger sleep medication for him than she usually ordered for the child alters. It was always a tricky situation. If a dose were given that was strong enough for Todd or Pete and Timmy or Andy, or heaven forbid, the Baby or Baby Todd came out, they could overdose on the same amount of medication. Their central nervous systems and cardiovascular systems differed from Thomas' as his differed from Todd's or Tom's. They all differed from each other. Prescribing medication was one of the hardest parts of Todd's case. Susannah had seen this before in DID patients. With Todd, the reactions to medications were extreme.

"Thomas, how about if you sit down long enough to have some dinner? I can get you some French toast." Susannah hoped the act of eating his favorite food would provide enough distraction for him to be able to sit through the meal.

Thomas thought about it for a minute. "Can I have orange soda too?"

"You can have orange juice. How about that?" Susannah suggested.

"Okay, can I play with the toys until it comes?"

"Sure you can, honey," Susannah agreed. They were happy that Thomas was showing some interest in the toys.

"Sam, you still want me to show you how to build a castle?" Thomas asked shyly.

"You bet I do, Boomer. I would really like that." Sam smiled at Thomas.

Susannah stuck her head out the door and asked Dave to order some French toast for Thomas. Viki was sitting in one of the chairs, watching her "two guys," as Sam was praising Thomas' ability to build the Lego castle. Susannah sat down next to Viki. She stretched her feet out in front of her. Thomas looked up from the toys and wrinkled his nose. He made a face and asked, "What smells and tastes so funny?" Without warning, as his respiratory muscles contracted, Thomas let out an involuntary scream and fell to the floor. His eyes rolled back in his head. His face was livid. It turned red and then a grayish blue, as did his lips. His breathing stopped. His jaw clamped shut and he appeared to grimace. Thomas' body became rigid. His back arched and his entire body was gripped by spastic, muscular contractions. Alternate contractions and relaxations of the muscles threw his body into violent agitation. Thomas was having a seizure.

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT 1999/RS

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page