"No! No! Please! Don't let Starr be punished that way. Don't let him hurt her. Starr! Starr!" He reached out for Starr. They knew it was Todd. He had once again come back to find himself in Téa's arms.

*****

"STARR! PLEASE! DON'T LET HIM HURT HER! STARRRRR!"

"Todd, shhhh. It's all right. Starr is safe. No one is hurting her," Téa soothed. Todd was totally disoriented. He didn't realize Téa was holding him. For the minute he didn't recognize her voice. "Todd, remember when that terrorist came. I didn't let him hurt Starr. I would never let anyone hurt Starr."

Some recognition came into Todd's eyes. He stopped struggling and he was quiet for a few moments. He pulled away from Téa and sat back on his heels. "Delgado?" Todd's tone was a mixture of desperation and sadness.

"Yes. I'm here. You're safe and so is Starr."

Susannah stood by quietly. Her instincts were telling her to allow Téa to interact with Todd. Viki and Sam rushed to the dayroom. Susannah put her hand up to let them know to just stand by quietly, for now.

"You wouldn't let him hurt Starr. You let him hurt you instead." Todd remembered the day Téa spoke of.

"I love Starr. I would always save her," Téa swore to him.

Todd was quiet again. He realized he felt sticky all over. He was confused. He didn't have a grasp on the situation. He knew Téa was there, but it really didn't hit him yet. "I'm all sticky. Why . . .?"

"It's okay. You accidentally spilled some pancakes and syrup on yourself. You can get . . .” Téa stopped mid-sentence. She saw a look of horror on Todd's face. He got on all fours, like Tom had. He brushed his hand along the floor, trying to find the spilled food.

The staff looked at Susannah to see if she wanted Todd restrained. Susannah shook her head.

"Todd, it's okay. The spill was cleaned up," Téa stated soothingly.

"No . . . I-I have to . . . I'm . . . I'm clumsy . . . I'm a . . . " Todd stopped talking. His expression became fearful. "Oh God! Delgado! Delgado! I remember!" Todd sat back on his heels again. "I was clumsy. I was always clumsy. I would be so afraid when I ate that I would drop or spill something and that would make it worse. I'd get clumsier. I'd drop the fork or the spoon or knock the glass over or I'd drip something on myself. The only things I didn't make a mess with were sandwiches and things I could pick up with my hands. He thought I was disgusting. He called me a clumsy bastard and an animal. I was! I was so clumsy. I dropped food. I dropped his camera. I dropped the ball. He hated me for it." Todd started to cry.

Téa's heart broke for him. Then it hit her. 'Oh my God! Is that why he only feels comfortable eating with his hands? That monster! How could he have done what he did to him? How could he have done that to a little boy?' Téa thought. Téa remembered giving Todd "a look," because of his eating habits, when they were dining out. She remembered him saying something like, "What? Come on. I can't help it." She suddenly realized that he wasn't just saying that. He really could not help it. "Oh God. Todd, I'm so sorry. I . . ." Téa desperately wanted to make Todd realize it was Peter and not he who should have been punished. "Todd, every child drops things. Your dad wasn't being reasonable. No child could have lived up to his expectations. He was so wrong in making you feel clumsy and afraid to eat."

"No! I was bad. I was clumsy. He disciplined me. He let me know how clumsy I was. He . . .” Todd stopped talking again. He looked stunned. "No! He wouldn't have done that to me. He . . . wou . . . no!" Todd whispered to himself.

"It's okay. Todd, I'm right here," Téa assured him. Téa looked up at Susannah. She was not sure she should continue. Susannah indicated to her that she was doing fine. "It's all right to tell me," Téa pressed. "What do you remember?" >[? Todd leaned back on his heels and threw his head back and cried out, "Delgado, oh God! He made me get down on the floor and lick it up, like an animal. If I couldn't lick it up fast enough he would push my face in it. My mom would try to stop him. He would hit her or he would push her down in the mess too. After a while she stopped trying to help. I don't blame her. I just kept getting clumsier. It happened more and more. She started always giving me things I could just pick up and eat without a knife or fork or a spoon. Then he caught on and he would make her give me things that were hard to eat." Tears were streaming down Todd's cheeks and down Téa's.

Téa remembered all the times she made fun of Todd's table manners. She remembered how he had gone out of his way to eat a baked potato with a knife and fork for her. To make him feel comfortable, she picked hers up with her fingers and ate it that way. It had almost become a joke between the two of them. She thought that was just Todd's way of not conforming with society . . . his way of thumbing his nose at convention. She had no idea.

Todd continued to remember. "My mom got hurt because I was clumsy. I made my dad punish me because I was clumsy."

"No! You were just being a normal little boy. He never should have punished you and degraded you for doing that. Your mom should have found a way to stop him."

"No, Delgado. It was me. It's always me."

"No! Todd, listen to me. Would you have ever done that to a child? To Starr . . . to any child . . . no matter what they spilled?"

"No," Todd whispered. He brought his head down to his lap. Téa saw his body convulse in sobs.

Without thinking, she moved close to him and started to stroke his head. "It's all right, shhh. It's all right," Téa whispered to him.

"Delgado!" Todd cried. He reached out to Téa and held on tightly. Téa felt his body tremble as he continued to weep. "I was just a kid too. I would never do that to a kid. What was wrong with me? Why did he hate me so much? Why couldn't I ever get it right?"

Téa held him and rubbed his back. "Shhhh. You did get it right. He's the one who got it wrong. He had this perfectly wonderful, brilliant and gifted child given to him. He should have cherished you and instead he abused you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I just wanted him to love me," Todd sobbed.

"I know. I know. Shhhh. It was your father. He's the one who couldn't get it right. He the one who didn't know how to love."

"I tried so hard to be good. I tried to be worthy of his love and my mother's love. I'm just not lovable. There is something wrong with me . . . something missing and broken. I was born bad and everyone knows it. Everyone knows it." His sobs and his mouth pressing against Téa’s shoulder muffled Todd’s words.

Téa held on to him tightly. "No, that's not true. Oh, Todd. That is so not true. You are very lovable. Sam and Viki love you so much. Starr loves you . . ."

"They have too," Todd cut her off. "I'm Viki's brother. Sam has a thing for orphans. They feel obligated. Starr is only a little girl. She doesn't know what I really am."

"What about me, Todd? I'm not obligated. I'm not a little girl. I love you. Todd, I love you with all my heart. I have never loved anyone the way I love you." Téa pulled him away from her with her hands holding on to both his arms. She shook him gently. "Oh, Todd. I love you. How can I get that through to you? How can I get you to feel it? I love you!" Téa pulled him toward her again and hugged him tightly.

Todd held on to her. He kept whispering, "Delgado, Delgado." Suddenly Todd quickly pulled away from her arms. He seemed to panic. He crawled a few feet away from her. He was feeling his way with his outstretched hand. "You pity me, Delgado! That's why you're saying that. You pity me." Todd put his hands up over his ears. They knew he was hearing voices or at least a voice, possibly Saber.

Téa stood up and walked over to where he Todd on his knees. He was rocking back and forth. She knelt down to him. "No! Don't listen to them, Todd." She pulled his hands away from his ears. "Todd! Don't listen to the voice. It's lying to you. I don't pity you. I love you. I want to help you. That's not pity. It's love."

"No! She's lying to you Todd. She thinks you're so stupid you'll believe anything. She comes here to see the show. Then she goes home and she laughs at you. Look at you! You're crawling around and banging into things. You're crazy! She knows you're crazy. They told her. She knows about us. She laughs at you just like those women your father dated laughed at you. They would smile at you and pretend they liked you and then laugh at you behind your back. She says she loves you, but she will leave you just like all of them. Téa, Viki, Sam, they will all leave you. Starr will leave you when she's old enough to wise up. Even that lady shrink will leave you when she realized you're too crazy to be helped."

The voice Todd heard began to laugh wildly. "SHUT UP!" Todd shrieked to the voice. He turned back in the direction Téa's voice had come from. "GET OUT, DELGADO! GET OUT!" Todd screamed.

"Todd, please! Listen to me!" Téa begged. She tried to stay calm.

"They told me you wanted to come visit my al . . .” Todd couldn't bring himself to say the word. "To visit those kids," he continued. "Well I'm not those kids. I'm Todd! Disgusting, crazy, Todd. A disappointment to everyone. Todd who hurt you and threw you out in the snow and tied you up. Todd who couldn't be a husband to you . . . who . . . who couldn't even find the words to talk to you most of the time. You kept telling me how I threw you out in the snow and how I abused you. Are you stupid? No, you're not stupid. You're just a liar. You're like all of them. Only you're not lying to hurt me. You're lying because you pity me. I DON'T NEED THAT, DELGADO! You wanna see those kids. SEE THEM! JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. GET AWAY!"

"Todd!" Téa begged.

"Get away," he whispered.

"Please Todd!" Téa pleaded again.

"GET AWAY! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Todd screamed at the top of his lungs.

Viki and Sam could not understand why Susannah was not putting a stop to this. They had started to walk to Todd several times and Susannah had put her arm out to block them. She felt Téa's visit was therapeutic for Todd. He was opening up to her. Now, he was starting to get out of control. Susannah walked over to where Téa knelt. She patted her shoulder and motioned for Téa to stand up. Téa got up quietly and went to stand over by Sam and Viki. She was crying. Sam put his arm around her shoulder and Viki took her hand.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. It's all right. Téa's going to leave now. I want you to calm down."

Todd couldn't hear her.

"Look at you, Todd! All covered with syrup. You can't even eat like a man. You deserve to eat on the floor like the animal you are. You broke the glass Todd. Hold out your hand!"

"No, please! I'll clean up the glass," Todd cowered.

"Tell me about the glass," Susannah asked. She was kneeling next to him.

"Listen to you, begging like a little girl. HOLD OUT YOUR HAND LIKE A MAN]!" Todd held out a trembling hand. "[You shake like a little girl too. You disgust me. I'm ashamed of you. Téa is watching you. She sees that you're not a man. Not in any way, Todd!"

"STOP IT! SHUT UP!" Todd shrieked.

"Todd, try to hear my voice. Listen to my voice, Todd. Don't listen to the voice that's talking to you. Sam and Viki are here. Do you want them to hold you?" Susannah tried to redirect his attention to her voice.

"HOLD OUT YOUR HAND!" Todd could not hear Susannah. He heard only the voice that tormented him. Todd felt the broken glass cutting into his hand. He tried to keep his face free from any expression of pain. "Stand up!" Todd knew it was time for the rest of his punishment. He tried to stand up. The hospital issue socks he wore were sticky with syrup and that added to his sense of disorientation. He felt as if someone were holding his legs to the ground.

"Todd, if you want to stand up we will help you. Frank is right behind you. Do you want him to help you to stand up?" Susannah asked. Todd couldn't hear her.

"Stand up Todd. I'm going to teach you how not to be clumsy. STAND UP!" Suddenly, Todd shook his head as if he were clearing it. "Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Doctor Hanen! Doctor Hanen!"

"I'm right here, Todd." Susannah took his hand.

"I can remember it. Make it go away. Make it go away! Please!"

"Todd, tell me what you remember? What do you want me to make go away?"

"The memory. Make it go away!" Todd pleaded.

Susannah waved Sam and Viki over. They left Téa standing by the doorway and walked to where Todd and Susannah knelt on the floor.

"Todd, I'm here and Sam and Viki are here. It's safe to remember. Memories can't hurt you. Keeping them inside can. Tell us what you remember," Susannah pushed.

"Viki!" Todd cried out.

Viki knelt down to him and took him in her arms. She ignored the sticky mess, just as Téa had. "I'm here, sweetheart. Tell us what you remember."

Todd was quiet for a moment as more memories made their way into his consciousness. "It didn't end with him making me lick the food off the floor." Todd held out his hand. "He would cut my hand. If there was any broken glass, he would cut my hand with it. I'd have to hold it out perfectly still and he would cut my hand." Todd's trembling increased to the point that Viki's body was shaking along with his "Then he would take off his belt," Todd whispered. "He disciplined me to teach me to be a man."

"No, Todd. That is not how you teach a little boy to be a man. Your father abused you," Sam stated firmly.

"Coach!" It was Tom's voice.

"Yes, Boomer. I'm right here."

"My dad loved me. Didn't he, Coach?"

"Your dad didn't know how to show love, Boomer."

"Mommy, I want you to talk to me."

"Timmy?" Viki asked. Timmy suddenly surfacing shocked her.

"Mama fell down. It was my fault. I didn't help her." They recognized Jimmy's voice.

"Mommy lied to me. Leave me alone. I wanna go back to sleep."

"Andy, is that you?" Sam asked. He was totally confused and frightened by Todd's rapid switching.

"Don't talk bad about mama. She loves us. Can I have some orange soda? No! No shed! I'm afraid of the dark. He can't hurt me!" They knew that was Thomas.

"He's sad cause he's bad. He'll hold him down so he'll drown." Todd's hand started making circular motions.

"The beanstalk is growing too high. Throw the beans away. There's too much wool. I can't breath!" he whispered. They recognized Peep and Willie before him.

"I can't dwink cause I bad boy." Todd started to suck his thumb and rub his cheek. Baby Todd had come out.

"Susannah, what the hell is going on?" a terrified Sam asked.

Viki put both arms around Todd and held him to her tightly. "Sweetheart, it's over. You remembered it. You're safe."

Todd's hand shot out in front of him. "Burn me!" They knew that was Bad Boy.

"Todd! Come to the front. Come to my voice," Susannah called firmly. "Todd!"

"What?" Todd sounded startled.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Sam and Viki are here. You're in your room. You're safe. Viki is holding you. Can you feel Viki holding you?"

"My head hurts. It's so loud. Make it be quiet. There's too much noise."

Todd buried his head in Viki's shoulder. She felt Todd's body relax completely in her arms. "Okay, sweetheart. That's it. Just relax. Everything's going to be all right." Todd didn't move a muscle. "Todd?" Viki lifted his head and brushed away the syrup-covered hair that was sticking to his face. His eyes were blank.

"Todd, I want you to come back to the front. Come to my voice." Susannah tried again. There was no response this time. "Goodone, please help Todd to come back out. He's safe. He was just frightened by what he remembered. Let him know it's safe to come out and talk to us about what he remembered." There was still no response. Susannah tried for another fifteen minutes. She tried contacting Carol and Miss Perkins and some of the alters that had just come out. Susannah noticed that only some of the vulnerable child alters had come out, the alters who helped to handle Peter's sadistic urges. No one came forward. She realized Todd had been become totally overwhelmed by the last couple of day's events. Intrusive memories had been coming to him for days and he had reached his limit, for now.

Susannah told Jeff and Dan to bathe Todd and wash his hair again. After his bath, he was to be put in the easy chair and he was to be kept in arm's length of two staff members at all time.

Téa, who had been standing near the door, trembling, as she witnessed what had happened, joined Sam, Viki and Susannah. They went to the lounge area near Todd's room.

*****

"Susannah, I remember sometimes when things were very stressful I was able to hear most of my alters at once. Is that what happened to Todd?" Viki asked. She was still as frightened as Sam and Téa were for Todd.

"Yes," Susannah confirmed. "The memories and the feelings they brought forth caused many of the alters to surface, simultaneously. Communication started within Todd's system. There was mass confusion going on inside his head. No one wants to come out. They need a break. They've been through a lot recently. Todd is doing what he needs to do."

"Doctor Hanen, did I do this to him? I'm one who gave Tom the pancakes. I didn't help him cut them because I didn't want to embarrass him. I was supposed to leave if Todd came out. I brought up his father's actions being abusive. I mentioned Starr. I did this to him." Téa was racked with guilt.

"No. Téa you were very good with him. You got him to remember this particular abuse," Susannah stated.

"But look what happened! I caused all those alters to come out at once and caused Todd to go so far inside that you can't reach him," Téa pointed out as a tear slid down her left cheek.

"Honey, I was the one who was holding Todd and talking to him when he went inside. You heard Susannah. Todd needs this," Viki comforted her.

Susannah took Téa's hand and explained. "Todd has made a lot of progress this week. Unfortunately, it comes with a price. Todd paid the price and now he needs to rest. The whole system needs to rest. So it has shut down. It's like a circuit breaker. When the circuits become overloaded, the whole system shuts down to protect itself. What happened here today is a positive thing."

"Todd still wanted me to get away from him. He doesn't believe I love him," Téa responded sadly.

"Todd doesn't believe any of us love him. You heard him. I'm only here because I have a thing for orphans. Viki is only here because she's his sister and she has to be. He can't even imagine that Starr really loves him. He can't feel it Téa, not from you . . . not from any of us," Sam stated.

"How can he not believe Starr loves him?" Téa couldn't understand.

"Honey, Todd doesn't love himself. He hates himself. He can only see the Todd that Peter drummed into his head. Now, on top of everything else he has felt his whole life, he has the DID, depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, blindness, memories that are getting closer to the surface and so many other things to contend with. When you feel so totally unlovable, you can't imagine that anyone is telling the truth when they say they love you. I know this first hand, Téa. When I was sick I didn't believe Clint or the children or anyone could really love me."

"Oh, Viki. How did you do it? How did you either of you do it? How did you survive?" Téa could not begin able to imagine how it was possible.

"Well, for one thing we both have a brilliant doctor," Viki smiled and squeezed Susannah's hand. "For another, both Todd and I have something in common with you. We are very strong."

"Oh no, Viki. I'm not strong. I spent months avoiding Todd's problems. I lost myself in work in order not to have to think about him and how he felt about me and the suffering he was going through."

Viki looked Téa straight in the eye. "But you were never able to really stop thinking about him, were you?"

"No, never," Téa confessed as fresh tears fell.

"That's because you are too strong and too determined to have a life with my brother to let go. No matter how hard you tried a part of you was in there fighting for Todd. Honey, you have been fighting for Todd since the day you met him. You have never stopped."

Téa hugged her sister-in-law. "Having you for a sister is one of the best parts of hanging in there and fighting for Todd," Téa acknowledged.

"For me too," Viki agreed.

"Doctor Hanen, did Viki or Sam ever tell you about Todd's eating habits?" Téa asked.

"You mean that he prefers to eat with his fingers?"

"Yes. Do you think it's because of the fear he felt of dropping utensils if he used them?"

"That is very likely the case. Todd feels comfort in eating with his hands because it was the one way he was able to eat without fearing too much punishment. Also, it was a way to feel his mother's help and love. She couldn't save him from the punishment, so she tried to help him by keeping him from getting into a situation where he would become more nervous and more likely to drop the utensils and spill things."

"Todd always acted like he was doing it just to be rude." Téa commented.

"I think that may have been a part of it. Todd feels like he is not a part of society. He has stated that he doesn't even feel human. He feels like he will never fit in anyway, so why not give everyone a really good reason to reject him," Susannah explained further.

"I can understand that. I remember one time, when I was just a little girl, these snobby friends from ballet class, whom I was trying to impress by passing myself off as one of them, found out I was Puerto Rican. They all started treating me differently after that. Maybe I also felt different and that made them treat me that way. I don't know. Once I realized I couldn't fit in with them anymore I thought 'to hell with them.' I started playing up my ethnicity to the hilt. I became a caricature of every ethnic stereotype I had ever seen. I did everything but walk around with a bowl of fruit on my head. For me, it was like spitting in their faces. I wonder if that's how Todd felt?" Téa questioned sadly. Then she confessed, "I never stopped feeling like that little girl who never fit in unless she lied about who she was . . . until I met Todd. He was the first one who made me happy to be me. I wish I could have done the same for him."

"You are, Téa." Sam began. "You make Todd want to try. You make him want to be what you and he know he can be."

"Sam is right. I think the main reason Todd is still struggling and fighting so hard is that getting back to you and Starr is always in the back of his mind. I think even when he is so sick that he completely breaks with reality and nothing gets through, there is a part of his brain that is remembering you and wanting the life you both dreamed of," Viki added. Téa hugged Viki again.

Susannah looked at her watch. It was ten-fifty. "Viki, our session is supposed to start in ten minutes. Would you like to postpone it for a little later? It's all right. I know you've already been through so much this morning."

Viki's first thought was relief. She was about to gratefully say yes to a postponement when she thought about it for a minute. "No. Thank you, but if you're up to it so am I. Todd set a good example for me. Let this be the morning that the two children that Father did the most damage to face their demons right in the eye."

Susannah smiled. "I'm happy you feel that way. I'm going to head back to my office and I will see you in about ten minutes."

"I'll be there. I just want to check on Todd and freshen up and . . ." Viki and Téa both looked down at themselves and realized what sticky messes they were. "Uh . . . I may be a little longer than ten minutes," Viki confirmed. She held her sticky blouse away from her. She then turned to Téa. "Honey, I keep plenty of extra clothes in the family lounge. Would you like to shower and change before you go to the office?"

Téa, who was much more of a sticky mess than Viki, gratefully took her up on the offer.

*****

Susannah headed for her office. Viki, Téa and Sam headed for the dayroom. Todd had been bathed. They put a hospital gown on him. It made access to his needs easier whenever he was in a dissociative state. They put his warm robe on top of the hospital gown and soft, heavy socks on his feet. Todd's hair was once again clean, brushed and shiny. He was sitting in the easy chair with a blanket wrapped around him for extra warmth. A pillow had been placed behind him for additional comfort. Terry was in the process of administering a feeding. Frank stabilized his head in an upright position. Todd's knees were drawn to his chest. His eyes were blank.

"Sometimes when he is like this he will willingly swallow soft foods it they are fed to him," Viki reminded, Terry and Frank.

"Yes. We are hoping for that. An hour after the this feeding we are going to try some hot cereal," Terry answered and stroked Todd's head.

Viki was relieved to know that this staff took such good care of Todd. Sam stayed with Todd. Viki and Téa headed off to shower and change.

*****

Viki made it to Susannah's office by eleven-twenty. "That was pretty fast," Susannah commented.

"Yes. Unlike poor Téa, the syrup didn't get in my hair. And I get to wear my own clothes." Viki didn't know whether to smile or cry when Téa left for the office with her hair still damp. She was wearing one of Viki's outfits, which was a couple of sizes to big for her. "Téa has been through so much. I don't imagine she ever would have dreamed of all this when she agreed to marry Todd," Viki guessed. She shook her head slightly.

"No, I don't imagine she did, but what you told Téa is true. She is very strong and she loves Todd very much. I believe that combination will help sustain her. Viki I know you probably have many more questions about what happened with Todd this morning, but you know the rule here."

Viki smiled at Susannah. "Yes. This time is for me . . . to talk about my demons and to let Todd's rest for a while."

Smiling back, Susannah replied. "Exactly. If you like and you're up to it, we can talk about what happened with Todd afterward. If Sam has any questions he can join us."

Susannah began the session. "Have you given any more thought to the vision you had of Sloan standing over you and Sam when you made love?"

'Susannah's not wasting any time getting to that,' Viki thought. "I did, right after the session. So much has been going on with Todd and the alters that I really haven't had much time to think of it since then," Viki admitted.

"How about your relationship with Dorian? We discussed that the jealousy ran both ways in that relationship."

Looking a little ashamed, Viki confessed, "I haven't really given any of my problems much thought. I just keep thinking about Todd."

Susannah paused for a moment and then stated, "Viki, I understand how Todd's problems can occupy most of your waking thoughts and even penetrate your sleeping ones. He is constantly on my mind too, but do you think it's possible that you are using Todd's problems to keep from looking at your own?"

Viki felt hot anger rising within her. "I really don't think that's fair, Susannah. Todd is very ill, not just mentally, but physically as well. You know I love him as if he were my child. Most of the time, I don't even think of him as my brother anymore. I feel about him the same way I do about Kevin, Joey and Jess. Actually, even more maternal because he is so sick."

"I realize that and I know how Todd can bring out maternal feelings. I feel them for him myself. Most of the staff does. We can pull out our professional demeanor as a way to avoid those feelings. You can't and I understand that. What I am asking is if you are using those feelings as a way to avoid looking at the things we talk about in therapy."

"No, I don't think I am. I just haven't thought about them."

"Viki, I'm sorry. I don't buy that. Haven't the things we spoke about last time been preying on your mind? Now, I don't want you to feel forced to think about them, but I believe that they probably did pop into your thoughts and you suppressed them with worries about Todd."

Viki's anger cooled as she realized Susannah was right. Whenever Viki's past relationships with Sloan, Dorian, Irene and Victor had entered her consciousness, thoughts of Todd quickly replaced them. Funny, but she was able to think about Joe and even Clint, but once her thoughts tuned to the others she would put it them out of her mind. "Susannah, I'm sorry. You're right. I didn't realize I was doing that. It's not that I haven't had a lot to think of as far as Todd is concerned. I can see that I have been pushing other thoughts to the side." Susannah smiled. "What?" Viki asked.

"I was just thinking how far you've come. During our first therapy sessions if I had told you that you would have denied it for days or one of your alters would have come out and told me to lay off." Susannah was proud of Viki.

Viki smiled in response to what Susannah said. "I imagine Jean would have liked me to keep everything neatly out of the way and buried deep inside. Sorry, Jean. I am in control now and I don't want anymore secrets." Viki sat back quietly for a moment. "I still have no idea why I visualize Sloan being there and why I think he would feel disapproving and betrayed by my making love to Sam," Viki admitted.

"Let's go back again to when you first met Sloan. Last time you said you were upset with Clint for being prejudice against a gay friend of Joey's. Yet Sloan, at the time, was just as prejudice against his own son, to the extreme that he wasn't there for him when he was dying of AIDS. So, what was it really that attracted you to Sloan?"

"He was writing a book about Father. I helped him with it. He needed to know things. We became close while discussing father."

"Did you agree on his take of your father?" Susannah asked.

"Yes. He portrayed Father as the cold, ruthless, but brilliant mogul that he was. He didn't sugarcoat things. The man he didn't know was the Victor who spent his nights raping his daughter. He didn't know the Victor who forced his mistress to give away her five month old son to a monster."

"Let's talk about that for a minute. Do you still have feelings of guilt over Irene being forced to give Todd away?"

"Yes. I don't understand why, but I do. Every time I think about it I feel somehow responsible."

"Do you think it is possible that you overheard your father talking to or about Irene and Todd or that you somehow knew about it and repressed those memories?"

Viki started to feel anxious. She had an urge to talk about Todd. She realized this is what Susannah was talking about . . . using Todd's illness to not think about her own. Viki took a deep breath. "Talking about this makes me anxious and I don't understand why. I knew nothing of Irene having a child other than Tina and I didn't find out about that until long after Father was dead and Tina was nearly and adult. If I had any idea that this precious baby existed, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep him with us. If this is somehow connected to Sloan and my inability to have sex with Sam, I don't see it."

Susannah saw that Viki was not yet ready to delve into this. She was speaking of it in a detached way, void of emotions. "All right, let that go for now. Let's get back to Sloan. You told me you were physically attracted to him."

"Yes . . . very . . . not that I wasn't with Joe and Clint, but this was different. It somehow felt different. It felt . . . wicked, for lack of a better word. I suppose that was because I was in what I thought was a good marriage."

"Was that the only reason, because you felt unfaithful to Clint?"

"Of course. For what other reason would I have felt like I was doing something dirty and shameful by being attracted to Sloan?"

"Dirty and shameful? That's a little stronger than wicked. Is that closer to what you felt . . . dirty and shameful?"

Realizing what she said, Viki was caught off guard. "Sloan was a good and decent man. Why would I have felt that way about him?"

"Can you tell me?" Susannah pressed.

"Until a moment ago I didn't realize I felt that way," Viki responded. She was clearly upset.

"All right, lets see if we can figure this out. When you first met Sloan, did you immediately feel that way about your attraction for him?"

Viki thought for a moment. "Yes." Viki looked surprised.

"Viki, what is it? What did you remember?"

"Feeling conflicted by those feelings for Sloan. It's almost as if I can feel the alters that were inside of me pulling me away from him as I pulled toward him."

"Why do you think they would not have wanted you to be with Sloan? I don't recall any of them having any special feelings for Clint," Susannah reminded her.

"No, most of them considered Clint an annoyance at best or an obstacle to overcome," Viki admitted with just a hint of a smile on her face.

"Do you think you can connect with the part of you that used to be Jean and Tori and Niki and the others and try to feel why they would have wanted you to pull away from Sloan?"

Viki looked anxious. "I can try," she answered quietly.

"Why don't you sit back, close your eyes and think about your feelings for Sloan and then try to connect to the part of you that didn't want you to feel that way," Susannah suggested.

Viki sat back. She was tenser than she had realized. She slowed her breathing and practice some of the relaxation techniques Susannah taught her. She pictured Sloan . . . the way he was when they first met . . . steely . . . dignified . . . patrician . . . all business, yet with an undeniable passion in him. Just like . . . Viki opened her eyes and leaned forward. "Father. Sloan was like father. My God! Is that why I was attracted to him so . . . so intensely and so immediately? Susannah, what does that say about me? Joe was nothing like Father. For the most part neither was Clint. Was that it? I wanted Sloan because I wanted Father?" Viki was becoming visibly upset. He hands were trembling and her breathing was erratic.

"Viki, I want you to take a few slow deep breaths before we continue." Viki did as Susannah asked and started to feel herself calming down. "Do you remember what was going on in your life shortly before you met Sloan?" Susannah continued.

"A lot! My daughter Megan had died a few months before and shortly before that I gave her one of my kidneys. I really thought that would save her . . . that I would be able to save this child I had allowed to be taken from me."

"You knew nothing of your pregnancy with Megan after she was born. Your father had you hypnotized to forget and he had Niki brought out to give birth. Then your father had Niki programmed to forget the pregnancy and the birth. You did not knowingly give Megan away," Susannah reminded Viki.

"Yes, I know. Still, ultimately what my alters did is my responsibility."

"Yes, but you are not responsible for what your father did to you. Victor made sure you and Niki would have no conscious memory of Megan. The choice to keep or give Megan to her father was taken away from both you and Niki," Susannah stated clearly.

Viki shook her head. "God that man was a miserable bastard, just as Todd always says. Why was his love so important to me?"

"I think you know the answer to that. For the same reason Peter's love was and still is important to Todd and the alters. A child needs someone to love and to feel loved by someone. Victor was the only one you had. Added to that was the mixed feelings you had because of the abuse. Your father put you in the role of, not only his daughter, but also his wife," Susannah explained again.

"Until Dorian came along!"

"You sound as if you resent Dorian for taking that role," Susannah observed.

Viki looked stunned and hurt. "I told you why I resented Dorian. She used my father. She took advantage of him. She just wanted his money and power and made a fool of him."

"Didn't Dorian also make you see a side of your father you didn't want to look at?" Susannah posed.

"She did see Father as monster long before everyone else did," Viki admitted. "She always seemed happy that she had rid the world of him." Realizing what she said, Viki added, "as it turned out, I was the one who rid the world of him."

"Viki let me ask you something. I know you believed Dorian killed your father and that was why you went after her, but did you also get some pleasure in the revenge . . . in Dorian getting sent to death row?"

"I NEVER WANTED DORIAN DEAD!" Viki shouted angrily. Viki still wasn't completely used to feeling the anger that some of her alters had felt for all those years. Now that anger belonged, exclusively, to her and it sometime surprised her to feel it. "I never wanted Dorian dead," Viki repeated more calmly. She continued. "I did want her held accountable and punished for what she did."

"Do you still want her punished?" Susannah pressed.

"I know she didn't kill my father," Viki declared firmly.

"I know that. That isn't what I asked. I want to know if you would still like to see Dorian punished in some way?"

Viki stood up and walked to the window. "Yes. All right, yes! There is still a desire in me to see Dorian punished and I know what's coming next. You think I want to see her punished for taking my place with father . . . for being his wife."

"What do you think your reason for still wanting to see her punished is?" Susannah probed.

Viki turned around. Susannah could see that she still felt angry. "Let's see . . . where do I begin? Dorian tried to cause trouble between Sloan and me . . . She fooled some college girl into thinking Sloan sexually harassed her . . . She decided to write her own pack of lies about my family . . . She seduced my son . . . She turned him against Clint and me . . . She was behind David Vickers pretending to be my brother . . . She made my life miserable at every turn! I think those are some very good reasons for wanting revenge," Viki snapped.

"Yes. Those are some good reason," Susannah acknowledged and then asked, "are you saying you no longer have any feelings of resentment toward Dorian for coming between you and your father?"

Viki took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "No. I'm not saying that. Dorian once accused me of wanting to be Father's little princess and wanting to be first in Father's heart. I remember wanting to hurt her for saying that." Viki was quiet for a minute before she went on. "It was true though, wasn't it? I was always first in Father's heart. Not even my mother or Merri came close . . . first in his heart and first in his bed. Dear Lord!" Susannah could see Viki was astounded by whatever had just occurred to her.

"Viki, did you remember something?"

"No. I just realized something. I always thought Father had all the control and all the power. When I was very young he did, but later on . . . later on, in some ways I had the control."

"How do you figure that?" Susannah inquired.

"It was I Father wanted in his bed, not Dorian and not even Irene. He used them to get to me . . . to make me jealous. He was no longer controlling the situation. Oh, he thought he was, but his sick and twisted needs were controlling it. From the time I turned away from him and to Roger Gordon, he felt out of control. Yes, he had times of control, like having Niki and me programmed to forget Megan, but the true control . . . I in his bed . . . was gone. Then Joe came along. Father felt threatened like he never had before and so he married Dorian. Susannah, don't you see? I made that happen. I controlled it. He couldn't have me, so first he took Irene and then Dorian." Susannah could hear excitement and exhilaration in Viki's voice.

"All right. Let's say that is the case, that you caused Victor to feel a loss of control. How does that make you feel?" Susannah pressed.

"Fantastic!" Viki sounded and looked just like Tori. "All these years I thought he had all the control and power and that I was his helpless victim."

"And now?" Susannah asked.

Suddenly Viki's mood shifted. The excitement was replaced with the realization of just what her power entailed. "My God! Am I happy because I had the power to seduce Father and that it was his jealousy over me that caused him to ruin Irene's life and to almost destroy Todd's? Is it some kind of turn on to me that because he could no longer have me, he ended up marrying Dorian! What is wrong with me that I would have any sense of satisfaction over that?"

Susannah walked to where Viki stood, near the window. Facing Viki she answered with another question. "Don't you think it's normal to want to have some control over a situation that left you feeling helpless and powerless?"

"Was that need for control what caused me to kill Father? Was that the ultimate control over the situation? Was it my hatred of Dorian for taking my place in Father's heart and bed," Viki emphasized the last word, "that made me want to punish her all those years for what I did? It's true. It is true. I have wanted revenge on Dorian almost from the day she stepped into Father's life . . . because when she did . . ." Viki paused. She took a deep breath and glared off into space as she continued her thought. "She stepped right over me do it."

"How does knowing that make you feel?" Susannah inquired.

"Disgusting, twisted. I understand all the psychological reasons for it. I understood when you explained about attachment to the perpetrator. I understand that I needed Father's love and confused the abuse with it. Damn it! I understand all that. Why do I still feel so dirty and shameful about it?" Viki stopped. She realized that was exactly the way she described her obsession with Sloan. "It's true isn't it? I wanted Sloan because he reminded me of Father, even in appearance and certainly in many aspects of his personality. When I met him, it wasn't just attraction. I was obsessed with him and obsessed with sleeping with him. I cheated on Clint and told myself it was Clint's fault . . . that he was the one who had changed. It was always me! I was the one. I broke up my marriage because I wanted to recreate sleeping with my father. God! Did I ever really love Sloan or was it just a sick perversion?" Viki was becoming distraught.

"Viki, it's not as simple as that. Your feelings were confused. I'm sure there was love for the person Sloan was. I do think that much of what you realized about your feelings for your father played into it. Does visualizing Sloan standing over you and Sam, when you make love, make anymore sense to you now?" Susannah knew that Viki was finally ready to handle some of these feelings.

Tears escaped Viki's eyes. "Yes. It isn't Sloan who is looking disapproving and betrayed. It's Father. When Sam touches me that way it is Father who doesn't approve. It's Father I'm betraying. It's like I'm killing him all over again." Viki put her face in her hands and continued to sob.

After a few minutes Susannah put her arm around Viki's shoulder. "Let's sit down, okay?" Susannah suggested gently.

Viki lifted her face from her hands. "That's really is it, isn't it? That is why I wanted to be with Sloan and why I can't be with Sam. It's Father! It's always Father! That sick bastard has infiltrated every aspect of my life. He has stolen it from me. Just when I thought I took it back, he has stolen it again. I'm glad I killed him."

Viki gasped when she realized what she said. "No! I didn't mean that. Oh God! I didn't want him dead. When father died it was like a part of me died too . . . like when Sloan died." Viki stopped dead in her tracks again. "No! Oh no! Is that why I had a complete breakdown after Sloan died? Is that why all my alters came out in full force? Was it because losing Sloan was like losing father all over again?" Viki was having trouble catching her breath.

Susannah hoped she wasn't going into an anxiety attack. "Viki, slow down your breathing. Come on. You know how to do it." Susannah rubbed Viki's back. She once again said, "let's sit down," only more firmly this time. Viki allowed herself to be led to the couch. Susannah sat next to her.

"Did I break up my marriage to Clint and use a good man like Sloan for my own sick obsession?"

Susannah could see confusion and self-loathing in Viki's eyes. "Viki, was Sloan completely like your father?"

"No! Sloan was an honorable man. Yes, when I first met him he was cold. He had Father's stern demeanor. He was seemingly heartless to his son William and seemed to have little compassion for the Hell Andrew was going through. When Andrew wanted to display the AIDS quilt on the church lawn, Sloan referred to it as a 'freak flag.' Then he started to change. When Andrew finally brought William's quilt to its new home, Sloan put his hand on Andrew's shoulder and helped lay the panel. He had tears in his eyes. He told us a story about an incident when William was a child. Sloan had taken William to the beach to teach him how to fly a kite. William was not strong, or athletic. The kite became caught in the trees. Sloan became so furious at him for not being a good enough athlete to simply fly a kite that he slapped him. Things were never the same between Sloan and William after that. The bond had been broken. Sloan was devastated by what he had done. He started to cry and begged for William's forgiveness."

Viki's breathing had returned to normal. Tears still fell as she went on with what she was saying. "He had genuine remorse for his actions. He had compassion for his son. He knew what he did was wrong. He hated that he never got the chance to have a good relationship with William. That is the difference between Sloan and Father. Father was never sorry for what he did. Right to the end, he never understood the harm he had done to me. I saw it in his eyes when I came at him with the pillow. He didn't understand why I wanted him dead."

"Would your father's remorse have made a difference?" Susannah raised the possibility.

"I don't know. In some ways I would have liked for him to, just once, have said he was sorry or that he knew it was wrong. Who knows? Maybe that would have made it worse? Maybe thinking that Father really didn't consider what he was doing wrong makes it easier? I don't suppose I will ever know," Viki admitted sadly.

"Have you ever spoken with Dorian about this or about the way you feel about her?" Viki glanced into Susannah's eyes. She quickly looked away and shook her head. "Have you ever asked her what, if anything, your father may have told her about his feelings?"

"No," Viki shook her head again as she replied. "The one time we did really talk about Father, I threw her down a flight of stairs and kidnapped her." Viki managed a tiny smile.

"Viki," Susannah smiled back. "I honestly don't believe there is a danger of that happening again. You are able to express Tommy's rage and manage Jean's need for control. Those parts are solidly a part of you now. I think it might be helpful if you had a talk with Dorian, when you feel up to it. You did say that you and she are getting along better?"

"Yes. Dorian has not tried to cause any trouble since the day she caused Timmy to fall down. I will think about talking to her. I can't promise I will though," Viki admitted honestly.

"I understand. It was only a suggestion, not an order." Susannah patted Viki on the back and smiled again.

"Susannah, do you think I really loved Sloan?"

"Do you think you did?" Susannah questioned.

"I always did, until today." Viki swallowed hard. "I can see that I was attracted to him because of his similarities to Father. I know how sick that is and frankly I don't want to discuss that part of it anymore, for today."

"All right. We can let that part go for now, as long as you remain aware of it and realize we will get back to it," Susannah stated.

"I know, just not today."

Susannah rubbed Viki's arm and conceded, "No, not today."

"I think I came to love Sloan for the parts of him that were not like Father . . . the part that realized his mistakes and wanted forgiveness for them and for the parts that would never hurt a child that way." Viki smiled. "I also think I came to love him for his strength, literally in the face of death, and for how much he came to love me. His love for me was pure. It wasn't tainted by some sick obsessive need, like my love for him was."

"Viki, I know this is easy to say . . . try not to be so hard on yourself. Your life was in a very confused state when Sloan came into it. He came into your life because of the book. From day one your Father was a big part of your relationship with Sloan. Separating the two might have been impossible for you to do at that time."

Viki thought about what Susannah just said. She took little comfort from it. She still felt dirty. She felt like she would never be clean again. Viki was weary and didn't want to talk about her father anymore. "Susannah, I need to tell Sam what we spoke about. He has been so patient with me. We have not had much opportunity to talk with both of us, or at least one of us, staying at the hospital most nights. He needs to know. Not that knowing will change things at this point. I still don't think I could get over the bad feelings. I don't think I could make love to Sam at this point," Viki admitted dishearteningly.

"What! You mean a few sessions and you are not completely recovered. Hmmm, I must be losing my touch."

Viki was able to laugh, weakly, at what Susannah said. She was starting to feel a little better. "I guess I still have a ways to go."

"Viki, we all do. You're doing fine. You are being honest with yourself and you are handling the memories and realizations. Don't put any deadlines on yourself. Sam understands and he is patient. You both have a lot on your plates." Susannah looked at her watch. It was nearly one-fifteen. Viki's session had gone on for nearly two hours. "I think we've done enough for today. Why don't we head back to Todd's room and see how he's doing? Before we go, is there anything about what happened today with Tom, Todd or Téa that you would like to discuss?"

'Susannah always keeps her word,' Viki thought. Viki was tired. She wanted to go somewhere quiet for lunch and talk to Sam. "No, if there is I am too exhausted to think of it right now, perhaps after lunch."

Susannah knew she needed to tell Sam and Viki about Michelle's parents. "I think that's a good idea, Viki. Perhaps if all is quiet with Todd, and I think it will be," Susannah knew he would probably stay in this dissociative state for a while, "can you and Sam come to my office around three o'clock and we can discuss Todd?"

"That would be fine. I'll tell Sam."

"Good," Susannah said and stood up. "Now let's go see how our boy is doing."

*****

Todd was still as they had left him . . . sitting in the easy chair . . . his knees held to his chest by his thin arms. His eyes were blank.

"He has done very well with his eating," Terry happily announced to Viki and Susannah. "He had a bowl of oatmeal and some egg custard."

Viki appreciated the how painstakingly slow it was to feed Todd when he was in this condition. Only a small spoonful at a time could be given. For each one of those spoonfuls, light pressure had to be applied to his jaw to get him to open his mouth and his throat had to be gently massaged to get him to swallow. At least he ate. When he was aware, he was still completely without an appetite.

Viki took Todd's face in her hands. She looked into his blank stare. "My sweet boy," she whispered to him, and kissed his forehead. Viki stroked his hair back and tenderly rested his head back against the pillow they had put behind him. She pulled the blanked up around him. Viki turned to Sam who had been watching two of the people he loved most in the world. Viki could see the love in Sam's eyes. She walked over to him and linked her arm in his and rested her head on his shoulder. "Do I tell you often enough how much I love you?"

"Every time you look at me," Sam responded.

"Can we go to that little diner on Duke Street? We need to talk about some things I discovered in my session with Susannah?" Viki asked. She noticed the worried look on Sam's face. "It isn't anything that changes how much I love you," Viki assured him.

Susannah headed back to her office. She planned on calling Bill and asking him if he could be there to answer any questions Viki and Sam might have when she told them about Michelle's parents. She also wanted to know if Bill cared to join her for lunch at a deli near the hospital. Bill was delighted. Susannah told the staff where she would be and headed out to meet Bill.

Sam got his jacket. He checked to make sure his cell phone was on. "See ya in a little bit, Boomer," Sam told Todd as he kissed him good-bye. He and Viki headed for the diner.

As the doors to the elevator Sam and Viki were on closed, Blair and Dorian got out of one of the other ones. Blair was still trying to make up her mind what to do. She decided to come see Todd again. She also wanted Dorian to try to find out whatever medical information she could.

TO BE CONTINUED

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