Todd was not sure if he was standing, sitting or lying down. He felt confused, disoriented and frightened. He hated coming back to the darkness and confusion. He hated coming back, period. He felt dizzy and weak. He reached out for something to grab on to and to see what was around him. His hand was stopped by Tea's shoulder. "Viki?" Todd called out.

Tea froze. They all realized it was Todd. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. I'm right over here. You're safe. You're in the art room."

Todd felt even more disoriented. He wasn't sure where the voice he heard was coming from. It didn't seem to come from the person his hand had touched. He reached out, touching Téa's shoulder again.

"Doctor Hanen?" Todd asked. He looked completely confused.

Téa looked at Susannah for guidance. Having no choice, Susannah nodded yes. She gave Téa the go ahead to say who she was.

Speaking as gently as she could, Téa said, "Todd, it's me. Téa."

If possible, Todd turned even paler. Dizziness overwhelmed him. Laura and Frank, who were close to his back, saw his knees start to buckle. They guided him to the chair. Todd was too shocked and weak to pull away from their touch. Téa stepped aside and Susannah rushed to him.

Téa ran to the door and called to Sam and Viki. "Todd is out. You'd better come in."

They stepped into the room. Susannah was holding Todd's head down to his lap. "Todd, it's all right. You are just experiencing a dizzy spell." Todd's breath was coming in ragged gasps. "Just try to breathe normally, Todd," Frank advised soothingly.

Todd began to shiver. "I'm cold. I'm so cold," he whispered between ragged breaths.

"We'll get you back to your room in a few minutes. I want you to try to stay calm, Todd. Everything's going to be all right. Try to relax and take slow, deep breaths."

"Is Téa really here?" he whispered.

"Yes, she's here. Do you want to speak with her?" Susannah inquired.

"Did I hurt her? Did I hurt her?" Todd gasped. He was so short of breath he could hardly get the words out.

"No, Todd, you didn't hurt her. Téa is fine," Susannah assured him.

"Did I force her to come here?"

"No. Do you want Téa to tell you herself that she is okay and that you didn't hurt her?"

"NO! Make her go away. MAKE HER GO AWAY!" Todd screamed with what little breath he had.

"All right Todd. She's going. Now you need to calm down. I want you to slow your breathing down, come on," Susannah encouraged.

"I can't. There's no air in here. There's no air in here." Tears started pouring from Todd's eyes. He hated that he was crying in front of Téa. He couldn't stop himself. He wanted to die.

Susannah motioned for Sam and Viki to come to him. Té a walked to the doorway, but stopped short of leaving. She felt guilty because she was taking advantage of Todd's blindness by not really leaving. She couldn't help herself. She had to make sure he was all right. No one else even noticed she was still in the room.

"We're here pal. Viki and I are here for you." Sam comforted.

"Sweetheart, try to relax, like Doctor Hanen says. We won't let anyone hurt you." Viki tried to calm him.

"Téa wants to send me to prison. I stole her car. I wrecked it. I'll buy her a new one. Tell her I'll buy her a new one."

"Sweetheart, that was a long time ago. Téa has another car. Everything is all right." Viki swore.

"No! It was just a few days ago. I woke up in Téa's car and my hand was cut. I wrecked her car. I wanted to get home to fix my hand and then I didn't feel so good and . . .oh God! I hurt Téa. I hurt Téa!"

"No, Todd you didn't. You didn't pal. We've all been here with you and Téa. You didn't hurt her." Sam was desperate to comfort Todd.

"Yes, I did! I found her on the floor of the garden shack. I hurt her. OOOOH! He was yelling at me and laughing because I wasn't man enough to do what had to be done." Téa unconsciously held her hand to the area of her face that had been punched. The memories of it came flooding back to her. At the same time her heart was aching for her husband as he sat there terrified by what was happening to him. "Sam. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to jail. Please. I was so scared there. It hurts to be in jail."

"You won't have to go back to jail Todd. I promise, pal. You will never have to go back to jail."

"No! Bo and Kevin and Asa and Hank want me to go back to jail and I hurt Téa. I wrecked her car and she wants me to go back to jail. Ohhhhh, my head hurts." Todd raised his right hand to his head and tried to raise the left. His breathing was rapid and shallow.

"Todd," Susannah began, "let's try to slow down your breathing." Susannah took his right hand from his head and put it on her diaphragm. "Okay, copy my breathing. Shhhh, honey relax. Breathe with me."

Todd tried to copy Susannah's slow, deep, rhythmic breathing. He couldn't. His anxiety was too great. He started trembling violently. "I'm so cold," he cried out.

Sam took his jacket off and wrapped it around him. Susannah gave Terry an order for a sedative.

"Maybe I belong in jail? When you do bad things you have to be punished. I did so many bad things. I hurt everyone. I hurt Téa. I should be punished. I should! I SHOULD! NOOOO!" Todd pulled away so fast he almost toppled his chair over. Sam caught it just in time, and righted it with Todd in it. "He's gonna hurt me. I hear him. He's gonna hurt me." Todd whispered.

Terry came back in with the sedative. Susannah motioned for her to hold off. Taking his hand Susannah asked, "Todd, who is going to hurt you?"

"I don't know who he is? He said when you're bad you have to be punished, so take it like a man."

"Whom does the voice sound like? Susannah pushed.

"I don't know. Just a voice. Just a voice. Oh God! He's laughing at me. He's calling me a wimp. He says no one can stop my punishment."

"Todd, who does the voice sound like?" Susannah repeated.

Todd stopped for a minute. "M-m-my f-f-father," he stuttered.

"It must be frightening to hear your father's voice," Susannah confirmed.

"He hates me. He's so mad at me," Todd whimpered. His trembling increased again.

"Todd, your father is dead. He can never hurt you again." Susannah stated firmly.

"No! He has you all fooled. He's here. I heard him," Todd insisted.

The voice sounded like your father," Susannah corrected.

"No! It is my father! It is. He's here! Sam, make her believe me. He's here. He's here!"

"Okay, Boomer take it easy."

Suddenly Todd's shoulders hunched in fear. "He's angry. He's angry! He'll hurt you. He wants to hurt all of you."

Susannah was amazed at how long Todd was able to stay Todd. "Ask him his name Todd. Ask the voice his name?" Susannah instructed.

"No! No! I'm afraid," Todd cried out.

"Todd, do you want to know about the alter who is yelling at you?"

The word alter set Todd off. "NO! NO! NO! I'm crazy. I'm crazy. That's what you're saying. Viki! VIKI!" Todd shrieked.

"I'm right here, baby. It's all right."

Todd grabbed Viki around the waist and held on tightly. "Viki, I don't want to be crazy. Please, make it go away. Make it stop." Viki’s body muffled his cries.

"Shhhhh, Todd, you're not crazy. Sweetheart, you're not. You're ill and you can be helped. That's why you're here. So you can be helped."

"OHHHHH!" Todd held on to Viki even tighter. He buried his head in her stomach. "He says I am crazy. He says I'll be locked away forever and he can do what he wants to Téa and to Starr. Sam. You have to go stay with Tea. He'll hurt her."

"We won't let him hurt Téa. I promise," Sam assured him.

"I was bad. I was bad. If you're bad you have to be punished. I didn't mean to be noisy. I was watching the Road Runner on TV and it made me laugh. He hates it when I laugh. I covered my mouth, but he heard me anyway. Oh, he's mad. He's mad!"

"Who's mad Todd?" Susannah pressed.

"My father. He hates noise. I know not to be bad and make noise, but the cartoon made me laugh and I forgot. I tired to cover my mouth. I tried. I didn't mean to be bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"What did your dad do because you laughed?

"If you're bad you have to be punished. You have to take it like a man. If you're bad you have to be punished. You have to take it like a man . . . ohhhh! I wish Mama would wake up."

"Todd, it's not happening now. Do you know where you are?" Susannah hoped he wasn't going into a flashback.

"No! Not the trunk. Not the trunk. No! Noooo! NOOOO! I'll be quiet. I'll be quiet. NOOOO!" Todd's head lowered.

"Shhhhh! No noise. No noise. It has to be quiet. Shhhhh."

Susannah, Sam and Viki recognized the same child's voice they heard the other day when Blair was there. He was once again whispering.

Téa watched from the doorway. She wanted to run and felt compelled to stay at the same time.

"Can you tell us your name?" Susannah asked.

"Peep."

"Hi, Peep. Can you tell us how you got your name?"

"Shhhhh. Don't talk loud. Don't talk loud," Peep whispered.

"All right," Susannah whispered as well. "How did you get the name Peep?"

"The man said don't let me hear a peep out of you,” he whispered. Peep moved his hand slowly in a circular motion.

"Peep, how old are you?"

"Nine, shhhhh." Susannah noticed his face and voice lacked expression. "The other boy forgot to be quiet." Peep looked up. "There's the beanstalk. Where's Jack?" he asked seriously.

Susannah realized that this alter was also hallucinating. "Peep, who is the other boy?"

"Shhhhh. We have to get punished for him. He forgets to be quiet."

"Who's we?" Susannah pressed.

"Me and Willie. Shhhhh. Where's Jack?" He was getting more anxious. He held out his hand. "Look, I have the magic beans . . . shhhhh . . . where's Jack? . . . the beanstalk is gonna fall down . . . it's too high . . .it's too high." He raised his voice above a whisper. When he realized what he had done he slid off the chair and crawled under the table. He tucked his head into his knees and started rocking.

Susannah noticed his movements were slow. Téa watched from her place by the door. She wished someone would do something to get Todd back. Susannah crawled under the table and turned Peep around so he was facing her. "Peep, can you hear me?" she whispered. He gave no response and kept rocking. "Peep, nothing bad will happen to you here. You are safe here. You can speak as loudly as you like. You can shout if you want to."

He stopped rocking. He lifted his head. He started making the circular motion with his right hand again. "No, you make noise you have to go into the trunk . . . Jack and Jill broke their crown . . . but not the same Jack a different Jack." Peep pulled back. He was obviously frightened. "There's too many sheep . . . too many . . . take them away . . . they'll bite me . . . take them away . . . the bag is full. The bag is full . . . three bags full . . . I don't want to go to the trunk . . . elephants have trunks, but not like this . . . there's no elephants . . . just sheep . . . too many sheep . . . I can hear them . . . I don't go to the elephant's trunk . . . I go to the man's trunk . . . me and Willie . . . no . . . there's no elephants and too many sheep . . . I can smell the sheep . . . too much wool . . . the wool is wet . . . it's hard to breathe . . . they ran after the farmer's wife . . . no . . . no . . . go away . . . go away."

Peep pulled back even more. He was becoming even more frightened. It was difficult to follow what he was saying. He kept flitting from one thing to another. "Peep, what is it? What is scaring you?" Susannah whispered.

Peep curled into a ball. "Make them go away. They're biting me."

"The sheep?" Susannah wanted clarity.

Without raising his head Peep nodded. As Susannah had feared, Peep was exhibiting both the positive and negative signs of schizophrenia. He was delusional, and having mutli-sensory hallucinations. His thinking was disorganized. He had looseness of association. He was unable to concentrate. His movements were slow and he used repetitive rhythmic gestures. His speech and expressions were flat. His sentences were brief and lacked content. Susannah knew there had to be a connection to the emergence of these alters and Todd's psychotic episode. The connection had to be particularly strong between Peep and Willie. Peep's obsession with fairytales and nursery rhymes and Willie's rhyming seemed connected.

"Peep. Peep! You don't have to go into the trunk. We don't put little boys in a trunk for making noise here." Susannah whispered.

"I can't climb the beanstalk . . . It's too high . . . and the mouse ran up the clock . . . make the sheep go away . . . there's too much wool . . . I can't breathe . . . the sheep left too much bags of wool in the trunk . . . I can't breathe . . . too dark . . . no starlight starbright . . . only dark . . . the man went away . . . only dark ...." He went through the motions of trying to pry off something that was over his head. Sam had described Todd doing that when he first came back.

"Peep, is there something you have to lift off of you?" Susannah asked.

He started making circular motions again. "Not real . . . real . . . make believe . . . shhhh."

"Oh please! Let me out. Please! I'll be quiet. I promise. I'll be quiet. You won't hear a peep out of me." They all recognized Todd's voice.

"Todd?"

"What?" As if startled out of a sound sleep, Todd's head shot up so fast it hit the table. "What? Where am I?" He franticly reached out in front of him. Susannah took his hand.

"Todd it's okay, you're still in the art room. You've only been gone a little while. We are sitting under a table so be careful or you'll hit your head again."

"Under a table," He repeated flatly. "It's all right. Do you want to try to crawl out and stand up?" Susannah asked gently.

Todd seemed dazed, but he nodded in agreement. They got him out from under the table and back into the chair.

"Can you tell me what you remember?" Susannah inquired.

"I dreamed Delgado was here." I wanted to wake up because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I was so afraid I would hurt her, or that she would hurt me. I was afraid she'd want me to go to jail. Please don't let me dream that again." Todd's voice was pleading.

Téa's heart was pounding and breaking at the same time. It was only when she left the room that everyone, except Todd, became aware that she had been there all along. Téa ran, crying, to the unit doors. Connie had come on duty. She knew it must not be going well or they would have had Todd back to his room by now. Connie saw Téa run to the doors and try to open them, forgetting for the moment that she could not. "Open the damn door," Téa cried.

Connie could have buzzed her out but instead she ran to the door with her key. "Téa, are you all right? Can I help?"

"No! No one can. Just let me out before he realizes I was really here. Just let me out!" Connie opened the door and Téa ran to the elevator.

No one corrected Todd assumption that Téa had been a dream. They knew he couldn't handle it right now. "Todd do you remember anything else?" Susannah pressed.

"It was dark and I couldn't breathe." Todd laughed to himself and said, "Big surprise. It's always dark and I can never breathe." They were all surprised by Todd's sarcastic humor. It had been a long time since anyone had seen it.

"Do you remember why you couldn't breathe.

"Uh . . . ." Todd's mouth moved in a slow and lazy manner. "There was all this stuff around me. All these smelly old clothes."

I knew these memories were closer to his conscious thoughts! Susannah thought to herself. "Do you remember where you were when you were with all the smelly old clothes?" Susannah's gentle questioning continued.

Todd's expression turned to fear. He reached out. "Where are Viki and Sam. I want Viki and Sam."

"We're right here, pal. Take it easy." Sam took Todd’s hand.

"Viki?"

"I'm here too, sweetheart." Viki stroked his hair back. Her hand startled Todd. He started to feel even more disoriented than he had. He could not tell if he was in bed or in a chair or standing up.

"Todd, it's all right. Let the memory come," Susannah coaxed.

"No! There's no memory. It's not real."

"Why don't you tell me what you're remembering, even if it's not real."

"No memories. No memories. Viki! Viki!"

Viki took him in her arms. "Shhhh, baby, it's all right. Memories can't hurt you. You're safe here. We won't let anything hurt you." Viki rubbed his back.

"Todd, if you can't say the whole memory out loud just say three words about it. Okay, just three words." Susannah was trying a different approach.

"No memories!"

"All right then just thoughts." Susannah let it go. "Tell me three words about what you are thinking."

Todd closed his eyes and took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He stayed quiet for a minute. Then surprised them by saying, "Noise." After a long pause he slowly said, "dragged." He held on tightly to Viki. She continued to rub his back. Sam held his hand.

Susannah knelt down in front of him and put her hand on his knee. "One more word, Todd. Tell us one more word."

He moaned softly and buried his head in Viki's stomach. "Basement," his voice was muffled, but they were able to hear him.

"Oh, sweetheart, that was so good and so brave," Viki praised. She kissed the top of his head.

"I'm so proud of you, Boomer," Sam rubbed Todd's head arm.

"You're doing great, Todd. You're . . . ."

Before Susannah had a chance to finish what she started to say, Todd suddenly pulled away from Viki and Sam. He through his head back and started laughing.

"Well! Now there is really something to be proud of. 'Oh, look at me. I can say three whole words.' What are you going to teach him to do next, Doctor Hanen, count to one?"

They recognized Saber's voice.

"We are proud of Todd, what he just did was monumental. You of all people should know how hard that was for him," Viki spoke firmly. She looked Saber in the eye.

"He's a coward and you know it. All the false praise in the world won't change that."

"My brother is the bravest person I have ever known," Viki stated angrily.

"Then you must have another brother," Saber smirked.

"What about you, Saber? Do you think you're brave?" Susannah posed.

"I am strong and powerful and I can control them all. You can interpret that any way you wish."

"You are a bully, Saber. Bullies are not brave. They are cowards. They hurt those who can't fight back." Susannah expected a rise out of him, but his eyes stayed cold and lifeless.

"I'm not about to get into a name calling match with you, Doctor. You have to realize that in any match you engage me in, you will lose. I have told you that before, but you don't seem to believe me. I can almost feel sorry for all of you. Here you are so hopeful that Todd is making progress. You have no idea what I have in store for him, and the rest of them." His remark caused a shiver to run up Viki and Sam's spine.

"Saber, to what purpose do you want to destroy Todd? Do you want to end up dead? If Todd dies or stays locked in a hospital for the rest of his life, so will you. Do you want us to have to keep Todd so drugged that he can't pay attention to you? What exactly is it that you hope to achieve?"

"Those little bastards ruined my life. Now it's payback time."

"Saber. You are not Peter Manning. You are a part of Todd. Do you understand that? I think what just happened now was that you saw Todd making some progress and you felt threatened. You are afraid if he gets well you will no longer exist."

The tinniest glimmer of anger came into Saber's eyes and then vanished in favor of the coldness and cruelty that was always present in them. Saber's smile was chilling. "I could really use a cigarette. Mrs. Carpenter, would you like your brave little brother to come back to you?"

Before Viki could answer Todd started to scream in agony as he fell from the chair. "OOOOOH! OOOOOH! MY HEAD. OH GOD! IT HURTS. MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! NO! NO! LEAVE ME ALONE. LEAVE ME ALONE. STOOOOP!"

"Todd. Sweetheart, shhhh, it's Viki." Viki got down on the floor and lifted Todd to her. He pulled away and tried to lift himself up, but fell back down. He tried again, and fell again.

Susannah motioned to let her staff know to hold back and let Viki and Sam try to calm him first.

Sam held on to Todd. "Take it easy, Boomer. You're going to hurt yourself.

Todd fought Sam's hold. He was already having trouble catching his breath. "NO! NO! Oh, God! Oh God!" he gasped. Todd was trembling, almost convulsively.

The staff waited for Susannah to let him know what she wanted them to do.

"Boomer, take it easy. I'm not going to hurt you." Sam soothed as he continued to hold on to him.

"No! NO! YOU'RE NOT REAL. YOU'RE NOT REAL. I WANT SAM! YOU'RE NOT REAL. YOU'RE NOT REAL. I WANT SAM AND VIKI. YOU'RE JUST PRETENDING. NOOOOO!" Todd began to whimpered. "Ooooh, it hurts. It hurts. Ohhhh, I'm not real too. Oh God, I'm not real."

"Todd it's Doctor Hanen, listen to me . . . ."

"NO! GET AWAY! YOU TOO. YOU TOO."

"Me too, what?"

"YOU KNOW!" he screamed. Todd began to moan and whimper again. "Oooooh it hurts. Let me out . . . It's upside top. Please! I can't breathe . . . wash away the devil . . . It's dark . . . where's Starr . . . Sam's not real. Viki and Doctor Hanen aren't real and I'm not real . . . arms and legs are bad . . . where's Starr . . . I want Blair . . . look . . . look . . . there's Randy . . . he's in the road . . . I gotta get him . . . I gotta get him." Todd used all his strength to pull away from Sam's hold. He crawled across the floor, banging his head into a chair he couldn't see. He was trying to get to the road he saw Randy walking in.

Susannah knew Todd was experiencing another psychotic episode. She had no choice. She realized where this was heading. She indicated to the staff that they needed to get Todd immobilized. She gave a nod to Terry letting her know she should administer the sedative she had brought in earlier.

Todd fought the staff what little strength he had in him. He was feeling totally disconnected from his body. He felt as if his arms and legs were huge balloons, floating away from him. He believed he and everyone and everything around him wasn't real. He felt the floor under him and heard Viki, Sam and Susannah as they spoke to him, but could not make sense of them. He couldn't tell he was crawling. Nothing of his surroundings made sense to him. He felt as if her were from another planet and everything was foreign. He couldn't communicate what he was feeling. He was terrified. "NO . . . NO! . . . I'VE GOT TO GET TO RANDY . . . LOOK! . . . LOOK! . . . HE'S IN THE ROAD . . . PLEASE! . . . HE'S IN THE ROAD LET ME GO . . . LET ME GO! . . . THEY'RE NOT REAL! . . . THEY'RE NOT REAL! . . . I'M NOT REAL! . . . ARMS AND LEGS ARE BAD . . . VIKI SENT ME AWAY! . . . THE TREES STOLE MY BRAIN . . . THE WOODS ARE DARK . . . NO PLANE . . . DON'T MAKE ME GO ON THE PLANE . . . VIKI HATES ME . . . WASH AWAY THE DEVIL . . . THEY'RE ALL PRETENDING . . . NO! . . . NO ONE IS REAL . . . HE'S IN THE ROAD . . . HE'S GONNA HURT STARR . . . LET ME GO! . . . I WANT BLAIR!"

Terry injected the sedative into the hep lock. Laura called for a gurney. Susannah stabilized Todd's head as the staff to hold him.

"Shhhh, Todd, it's all right. Relax. It's time to sleep for a while. Shhh. Ooookay, Todd. Relax. It's okay. Let go. Shhhh. You're safe. Starr and Randy are safe. Shhhh," Susannah whispered close to Todd's ear.

"Where's Doctor Hanen?" Todd cried, softly.

"Todd, I'm right here. I'm holding your head. Can you feel me holding your head?"

"It's not my head . . . it's not attached . . . I'm not real . . . ohhhh . . . I'm not real . . . ohhhh . . . nothing is attached . . . it's all separate . . . Randy's in the road . . . Viki's not real . . . there's too much clothes . . . I can't breathe . . . ohhhh . . . oh. . . ." The sedative put him out.

Susannah checked his eyes and took his pulse. "He's all right," she informed Viki and Sam. Susannah could see the emotional roller coaster they had just been on had left them weary. The hope they had a short time ago was not enough to sustain them through this. Susannah knew once they got Todd settled she had to make sure they understood that they still have every right to feel hopeful. Todd had another disclosure. He talked about it and that was a very good thing. Even the fact that Saber felt threatened enough to make an appearance and to torture Todd was not as negative a thing as it seemed. He would not have felt that way and attacked with such ferocity if he hadn't realized that Todd had taken the tinniest of steps towards healing. What did concern Susannah the most was Todd having another psychotic episode, and the emergence of the new alters, all seemingly psychotic too.

When the gurney arrived, they lifted Todd onto it. Laura watched as they all headed back to Todd's room. It seemed like days had gone by since Tom had come in to the art room, happy, smiling with anticipation and eagerly looking forward to spending time with Téa. Laura looked at the paints that Tom had lined up so perfectly and never got to use. She wondered about all the other things in life that he and the other alters and Todd had wanted to do and had planed on, but switched before they ever had the chance. Laura shook her head as a tear slowly trickled down her cheek.

TO BE CONTINUED

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