*****

Dorian had been very upset ever since Blair walked out threatening not to allow her to see Starr if she caused any trouble for Todd or Viki. She blamed Viki for the whole thing. "Every time I try to be nice to that woman it blows up in my face!" Dorian said to herself. She could not believe that Blair would ever really keep Starr away from her. "No matter what happens, Cramer women stick together," Dorian said out loud. Dorian's mind went to that letter and those canceled checks she found along with the picture of Todd. She wished she had thought to make a copy of everything she had found. Dorian cursed herself for allowing her compassion for Viki to cloud her normally good judgment. 'Yes,' she thought, 'Timmy, and even Todd deserved my compassion, but Viki always uses it against me.' "You never forgave me for taking your father away from you? Did you Viki?" Dorian once again said out loud.

Dorian wanted to have another look at those canceled checks and at the letter Victor sent Todd. She really wanted to know who James Porter was and why Victor would have paid him almost a quarter of a million dollars. 'He must have had something on the old bastard,' Dorian surmised to herself. Dorian decided to go back to the storage room and look through everything once again. She had been in a rush to bring Viki that picture of baby Todd. Perhaps in her haste she overlooked something. Dorian also wanted to get her hands on one of those checks. 'Maybe Viki still has them at the hospital, since she and Sam are there more than they are home?' Dorian thought. Dorian knew she had to be very careful. If she went to snoop around and Blair found out she would be even more furious. She had to make it seem like she was going just to lend support to Viki and Sam. Actually, Dorian was wondering how Todd was doing. Her concern for him, especially little Timmy, was genuine. She could not get his frightened, innocent eyes, looking up at her, out of her mind. Dorian was startled out of her thought by the doorbell ringing.

Dorian didn't know if she should be happy or nervous when she heard Blair's familiar voice at the door. "Are you here to threaten me with never seeing my grandniece again?" Dorian asked as soon as Blair entered the house.

"No, Dorian. I actually came because I want your advise, as a doctor, about something. This could make it up to Todd for your part in getting him hurt."

"Blair, I did not get him hurt. He. . ."

"I'm not here to argue that with you Dorian," Blair interrupted. "Let's just drop it. I need you to help me get custody of Todd."

Dorian was shocked by what Blair had just said. She could not believe that Blair had been serious about bringing Todd home. However she did not want to set Blair off again, so she decided to hear her out. "Let's go into the living room and talk about it," Dorian took Blair's arm.

Blair filled Dorian in on her visit with Matthew Allen. "Blair I'm not trying to be cruel or discouraging, but are you sure you want to do this? Please don't take this the wrong way . . ." Dorian sighed and licked her lips nervously. She continued. "If you should win, do you really think you and Starr will be safe with Todd living at the penthouse with you?

"I would have a full staff there to look after him. We would be fine!" Blair was adamant.

"Have you thought about having him transferred to Saint Ann's? You know they take very good care of Addie there."

"No, Dorian. Saint Ann's is the right place for mama, but not for Todd. He needs more than to just be looked after. He needs intensive therapy. As much as I hate to say it, mama will never live a normal life outside an institution. It's too late for her. Todd can have his life back. He's so young. I just know that he can come back to us."

"I really have to play the devil's advocate here again," Dorian said cautiously. She was trying not to anger Blair again. "If Todd gets well . . ."

"When Dorian! Not if. Todd will get well. He will not leave Starr without a daddy." Blair sounded determined.

"All right, when Todd gets well, won't he be going back to Tea? She is still his wife. She is standing by him."

Blair laughed. "Standing by him! No, Tea Delgado is not standing by him."

Dorian was shocked when Blair told her about what she saw in Tea's hotel room. "Blair are you sure about this?"

"They were both practically naked, Dorian. They were as flustered as hell when they realized they had been caught. I guess Tea was having visions of Todd's money getting away from her."

"Oh, my poor Cassie. Does she know?"

"I doubt it. Don't worry. I won't stand by and watch Kevin make a fool of her again. I just don't want to hurt her."

Dorian was furious. "How dare he! How dare he treat my daughter that way! It's all Viki's fault. She raised him to think he can get away with anything, just like Victor. Viki doesn't realize it, but she raised him to be like his grandfather. It doesn't matter who he hurts as long as he gets what he wants and what damage Viki didn't do, Clint and the rest of those horrible Buchanan's did. Look at Asa. Look at the way he treats women. Damn him! I can understand why Todd always hated the Buchanan's so. Does Viki know what her precious son is up to? Does she know he is hurting Todd? If there is one person on this earth Viki loves more than Kevin it's Todd."

Blair knew she had just sent Dorian on the warpath and that wasn't her intention. She needed Dorian to be calm and helpful now, not running off and doing something crazy. "If Viki doesn't know. I will tell her. I don't want you to get involved in this Dorian."

"Blair, Cassie is my child. If she is being hurt I am involved in it."

"Dorian, listen to me. I need your help and if Viki starts seeing you as an enemy again you will not be able to help me. Don't worry about Kevin. I will make sure Viki knows what he is up to with Tea."

"Of course she will probably take Kevin's side. That would be typical of Viki." Dorian could not help adding.

"Maybe, but as you said, Viki loves Todd more than anything. I'm hoping she won't stand by and watch, even Kevin, hurt him." Blair declared.

Blair had given a lot of thought as to whether or not to involve Dorian in her plans. She was not sure if Dorian could be trusted when it came to Todd. However, she also knew that Dorian had never let her down when it really came to it. Besides, she needed Dorian's medical expertise. "Dorian, I need to get Todd's medical records. Mr. Allen plans on trying to have them subpoenaed if he takes the case. The thing I'm afraid of is what if he can't? His hands are tied trying to do things by the book. Our hands are not. I also need testimony from a doctor or nurse or someone in a position to understand the medicine. I need someone to swear that they are not doing what is best for Todd. As I told the lawyer, I'm not saying Viki and Sam and Doctor Hanen are deliberately trying to harm him. I'm saying that there must be a better way then what they are doing."

"I have to say that Doctor Hanen seemed very competent to me. That is going to be hard to prove," Dorian stated.

"I know she is. I just think that, in this case, she is not doing right by Todd. You've seen him Dorian. You saw what he looks like. How could they allow that to happen to him? He was a young, strong, healthy man when they put him in that hospital. Look at him now. He can hardly sit up by himself."

Dorian remembered her shock at Todd's appearance. "I do know, as a doctor, that sometimes once someone's health starts declining they can go downhill with even the best treatment." Dorian looked into Blair's desperate eyes and added, "It does seem in Todd's case that they should have been able to do something." Dorian tried to sound encouraging again.

"They are keeping Todd so heavily drugged he doesn't know if he's coming or going. They say he's become psychotic. I think it's everything they're doing to him. You should have seen him Dorian. They had his arm, legs and waist tied to the bed. He was sounding like he was completely out of his mind."

Dorian said nothing. Nevertheless, she was terrified of the idea of Blair bringing Todd home. But Blair was hers, one of her girls, and if that were what she wanted to do she would help her. Dorian also told herself that she would be helping Todd. Having Viki as a guardian could not possibly be in his best interest.

Inside, Todd was happy and at peace as he snuggled in Goodone's arms. He was getting the love, warmth and safety that he needed. Outside, his eyes were blank his face was without expression. This time, Viki was not upset to see him this way. She was thankful that Todd had found his way to his papa. They sat Todd in a chair. He was accepting fluids as they were given to him and even swallowed the cream of wheat and custard that Viki fed him. She would have to put a little pressure on his jaw to get his mouth open and then massage his throat slightly, to get him to swallow. Slowly and with great patience she got it all into him. Todd was oblivious to it all. Terry watched as the love for her brother just poured out of Viki. She noticed how Viki was telling Todd how much she loved him and how good, special and brave he was throughout the whole meal. Viki would only stop to gently wipe his mouth with a napkin or to stroke his cheek or head. She would occasionally kiss his forehead or the top of his head. Terry knew that no patient she had ever worked with was more loved than Todd. 'How sad that he can't feel it,' she thought.

As soon as Tea saw Sam walk into her office she knew that he and Viki had heard about what Blair saw in her hotel suite. She expected Sam to be furious with her. Instead he put his arms around her. "This has been so hard for you. I'm sorry." Sam sympathized. He knew how Tea was suffering.

Tea burst into tears. Her emotions were always at the surface and practically uncontrollable these days. "Sam, you know nothing happened between Kevin and me. Tell me you and Viki know that!"

"Oh Tea, of course we do. That's not why I'm here. I'm here for you. I'm here because you were so upset when you left the hospital that you needed to get drunk. The only reason Viki's not here is because one of us wanted to stay with Todd."

"How is he? Blair said he's in a really bad way," Tea was almost afraid to ask this.

"Actually, he's a little better. The psychotic episodes seemed to have passed for now. Peep, one of the latest alters to come out, was also better. He was still hallucinating, but he was much calmer and a little more rational." Sam did not yet know about Todd coming back or his latest memory. "Susannah did have to start Todd on an antipsychotic drug. She says the side effects are not as likely with this one," Sam continued.

"Sam, I'm sorry. You and Viki must be going through hell."

"Why do you leave yourself out of that Tea? You are a part of this. You are right there in hell with us. Don't tell me you're not."

Tea sat down at her desk and put her face in her hands. She shook her head and then ran her fingers through her hair. "Sam, I always mess up. Every time I see Todd I make things worse. It's no wonder he thinks my being there is a nightmare."

Sam realized how hurt Tea must have been when she heard Todd say that. "Tea, Todd didn't mean it like that. To him the nightmare is having you see him like this and being afraid that he hurt you again, not just your being there."

"He was afraid I would hurt him too. He thought I wanted to send him to jail."

"Tea, he didn't know what he was saying," Sam tried to comfort her.

"No, he was right. I did want to send him to jail, right after he punched me and tied me up in the garden shack. I wanted to send him to jail. I told Pete I was just trying to help Todd and in a way I was, but I was also so angry. I wanted to hurt him back. I knew I would always be drawn back to him and I wanted to find a way to get him out of my life for good. What's that old saying? . . . Be careful of what you wish for. . . . Well, I got my wish. Didn't I Sam? Todd is out off my life and it probably is for good."

Sam could hear fear mixing in with the bitterness of Tea's tone. "Honey, Todd is not out of your life. He loves you. That's why it kills him to have you see him in this condition. I sometimes think there is still this tiny part of Todd's mind that knows what is going on and that part dies of shame at the thought of having the woman he loves see him this way."

"What about Blair? He wants to see Blair. According to her, he begs to see her."

"Todd only asked for Blair after he went into the psychotic episode."

Tea laughed. "I guess someone would have to be psychotic to want to spend time with Blair." Sam smiled. He was glad to see that Tea could still make jokes about this. "Sam it just seems that it is always Blair. When he wanted help with Georgie he turned to Blair. When he wanted someone to help him in prison, he turned to Blair. Now, when he is terrified by these horrible things going on in his mind, he still turns to Blair."

"Tea, for one thing Todd could not have turned to you when he was in jail after the hostage thing. You know that."

"No, I was the one trying to keep him in jail. Blair was the one trying to get him out. He is not so far gone that he doesn't remember that." Even more bitterness crept into Tea's voice.

"Honey, it isn't just that. Blair is the mother of Todd's child and. . . ."

"I know that! I know that song by heart. Blair is Starr's mother. Todd and Blair will always have a connection I can never have with him. Todd becomes afraid for Starr and he turns to Blair. It is engraved in my brain, Sam."

"Okay, then you also know that there is truth to it, Tea. The one thing Todd knows is true about Blair is how much she loves Starr. He knows she would die for Starr. So naturally if he feels Starr is in danger he turns to Blair."

"I would die for Starr too or doesn't Todd remember that? When that terrorist came into the penthouse and wanted to hurt Starr I was willing to give my life to save her. Doesn't Todd know I would protect Starr no matter what?"

"Todd may also remember that Starr is not with you. She is with Blair. Even in the middle of a psychosis, there might still be that rational part of Todd that is able to reason that. Tea, I know he hurt you by saying that thing about a nightmare, but you have to understand how he meant it. Do you think Todd hates Starr?"

"No! My God, Sam. Of course not."

"Well, Todd would die if he thought Starr saw him like this. Tea, maybe he can allow Blair to see him this way because it doesn't hurt him as much to have her see him.?"

Tea desperately wanted Sam to be right. "So what happens now? Do I continue to stay away or do I attempt to see the alters?"

"I would talk to Susannah. What I think she will say is that, first of all, it is up to you. I also think that she will say as far as the alters are concerned, they love seeing you."

"Yeah, I think Pete got a real charge out of seeing me." Tea could see Sam looked concerned. "Don't worry Sam, I'm joking. I know there is always a danger of Pete coming out. I think he deliberately came out when he realized I was there. I guess we have some unfinished business. I would like to see Tom again and let him know I understand why he left so suddenly." Tea then told Sam what Tom said about thinking Sam loved Timmy more than him. She also told him what she said to Tom . . . that she let him know how much Sam loved him and how proud he was of him and how much he wanted to be his father.

Sam felt terrible. He didn't know Tom felt that way. "Tea, thank you so much for telling me. I will have to make sure that Tom realizes that everything you told him is true. I sometimes forget that each of them needs to be reassured individually and that they do not interpret love for one as love for all. As well they shouldn't. I mean when you think about it, just because someone loves one person it doesn't necessarily mean that they love another person. It really is amazing how there is, in some ways, so much logic to Todd's inner system." Sam then added, "Tea, you said exactly the right thing. You are great with them, in case you haven't realized it."

"I do love him Sam. I hope you and Viki know that. I love him with all my heart. Pete told me I will never get Todd out of my system and I will be in this for the rest of my life. He was right, Sam. Pete was right."

Finally, assured that Tea was feeling a little better about things, Sam hugged her good-bye and headed back to the hospital.

Todd was still in the chair when Sam got back to the hospital. Viki and Susannah were with him. Viki was feeding him some oatmeal. She was taking full advantage of Todd's lack of resistance.

"Any change?" Sam asked.

"No, but he has been doing a great job of eating. You've had lot's of food today, haven't you, sweetheart?" Viki asked rhetorically. She wiped some cereal off his mouth.

Sam kissed Todd on the head. He stroked Todd's hair back. "You're just having a little vacation from everything, aren't you Boomer?" Todd's eyes stayed blank.

Frank came in to sit with him. Susannah asked Sam and Viki to come to her office with her. Sam sat and listened to the tape Susannah made of Todd's last session. He heard Todd slowly remember the face that belonged to the hands that hurt him. Tears trickled down Sam's cheeks. He was so proud of Todd. At the same time he wanted Susannah to stop pressing him. Although Todd's voice was a flat monotone throughout the session, the pain in it was palpable. Sam wished with all his heart Todd didn't have to go through this and that he could just make it all go away for him. Knowing the suffering involved in Todd's getting to the memory, Sam realized he had never known a braver person in his life. Sam was in awe of Todd. He heard Todd's plaintive voice asking why his father hated him so much and was shocked to realize that Todd tried to interpret Peter's abuse as a display of love. "I wish I had killed that cruel, sadistic son of a bitch." They heard the rage in Sam's voice.

Sam choked back a sob as he listened to Todd talk about being in those safe, warm, loving arms. He immediately knew Todd was talking about Goodone. He was grateful that Susannah was able to help Todd find his way to him. "Do you think Peep and Willie took over for Todd once he was in that trunk?" Sam asked Susannah.

"I think Todd was in there at the point when Peter first put him in each time. He was probably left there for hours on end. I believe all that time . . . alone . . . in the dark . . . no adequate air supply . . . probably having to remain hunched over. . . not able to move . . . probably in pain . . . not knowing if he would ever be rescued . . . believing Peter might never let him out . . . most likely wetting himself and being terrified of what Peter would do when he found out, is what lead to Peep and Willie. I believe the time in that trunk is what caused the psychosis for all of them," Susannah theorized.

"Imagine a young child being locked away over and over again, all by himself like that. How could he not go out of his mind? The silence and isolation would drive an adult over the edge, nevertheless a little boy. He had to go insane to save himself. How else could a child ever cope with that?" Viki wondered out loud.

"Exactly, Todd could not cope and most likely that was when Peep and Willie came out. It may have started out with Todd reciting fairy tales and nursery rhymes to himself. Or he may have tried rhyming words . . . anything to keep from going insane. When Peep and Willie came out they probably kept each other company by doing the same thing . . . reciting nursery rhymes that they remembered or making up rhymes. Their terror must have been overwhelming. Eventually it triggered a psychosis. It might have been that the nursery rhymes and fairy tales started to become too real and frightening, especially in the dark. The physical conditions they were in had to have altered their perception of what was real and what wasn't, along with their ability to perceive their own bodies correctly."

"Sam and Viki listened to Susannah's explanation. "Yet," Sam began, "he remembered this. Why do you think he was able to remember?"

"For one thing, I think Todd was ready. He may not realize it, but, slowly, he may be starting to feel a little safer and loved, here in 'our world' as Goodone would say. I also think that the psychosis helped the alters, thus the memories connected to this, to not feel the pain as much. It kind of anesthetized them to it. Timmy, Tom, Thomas, Andy, most of them experienced the torture they went through remembering every bit of it. They had nothing to cushion them from it."

"So you're saying Peep and Willie and maybe even Todd, to some extent, were kept sane by becoming psychotic?" Sam tried to understand.

"Well, it's more complicated then that, but in a way, yes."

"Our Todd has amazing survival instincts, doesn't he?" Viki asked, proudly.

"Yes, he does. He most certainly does," Susannah confirmed with pride for Todd in her own voice.

Sam filled them in on his visit to Tea.

"Susannah, do you think Tea should come and visit Tom, Timmy and the other alters?" Viki asked.

"There is always the risk that Todd will come out. However, if she is willing I do know that most of the alters love to be visited by her."

"Tea thinks Pete deliberately came out when he saw that she was here," Sam admitted.

"He probably did. I imagine it pretty much made Pete's day," Susannah confirmed with a small laugh. She turned to Sam. "Do you think Tea would feel better if I gave her a call and set up a time for her to come in and talk to me about this?"

"Yes, I think that would help Tea a lot. She is having a real problem with Todd wanting to see Blair," Sam admitted.

"Poor Tea, the fact that Todd had relations with Blair and had a child by her has always been very painful for her. It always made her feel like second best," Viki added.

"Is Tea aware of the fact that Rodd was out for much of that relationship?" Susannah asked.

"I don't think so. At least she never said anything," Viki answered.

"I will explain things to her. Maybe Tea can come in later today, if we are still having this lull. There are a couple of other things I wanted to speak with you both about. Todd's anemia is a little worse. His hemoglobin has dropped to 9.7 and his hematocrit to 30.2. That is too low and we really need to start treating it. Also," Susannah spoke cautiously, knowing this was going to upset Sam and Viki, especially when they were feeling so positive about Todd's memory, "there's been a slight rise in Todd's BUN and creatinine. They are both well within normal. His BUN is 20 and his creatinine is 1.2. Neither of those is really high, they are just a little higher than they were and at the high end of normal." Susannah could see they were frightened.

"Susannah, is he in renal failure?" Sam asked.

"Nooo! Not even close. Todd's kidneys are just not one hundred percent. I needed to let you know about it. I've spoken with Doctor Levin, Todd's hematologist, and he agrees with me that Todd should be started on Procrit. Before you both get nervous, it is not a dangerous drug and it in no way will alter Todd's consciousness. Procrit is something called Epoetin alfa. It is one of the factors controlling the rate of red blood cell production. Normally, something called erythropoietin is produced in the kidneys and stimulates the production of red blood cells in the bone marrow. Procrit is manufactured by recombinant DNA and has the same biological effects as erythropoietin. It will stimulate the production of Todd's red blood cells."

"What is recombinant DNA?" Viki asked.

"Basically, it's the artificial manipulation of segments of DNA from one organism into the DNA of another organism. It really is a very safe drug. The most common side effect is a rise in blood pressure and that would not be a problem in Todd's case. We can give Procrit to him intravenously if he has an IV going or the hep lock still in, like he does now. We can also give it to him subcutaneously, which will probably require holding Todd or any of the alters down. It will really sting for a few seconds. He would receive it three times a week for about two to four weeks or until his hematocrit reaches thirty-five. We don't want to go much higher than that because it can cause excessive clotting. Then he would be off it for a while, perhaps for as long as three or four weeks. If his count dips again he goes back on the Procrit for another few weeks. We pretty much continue it that way. We know that Todd doesn't have any serious blood disorder like leukemia. We know he is not bleeding internally. He may have what is known as a myeloproliferative disorder. There are several and if he had one it is not serious at this point. The only way to make a definite diagnosis is to put him through a bone marrow biopsy and that is very painful. Doctor Levin does not feel any need to subject him to that now, and neither do I. The Procrit will help without doing anything invasive to Todd. I think that is that best way to go. I know it is easy to say don't worry too much over this, but it really is not serious, right now."

"Right now?" Sam didn't like the sound of that.

"Sam, don't borrow trouble. Todd's heart rate is normal. He's showing no signs of arrhythmias. He's off the monitor. He's off the oxygen. He really is doing better. He needs to be built up and get his strength back. Once he can start getting around and the alters are able play and run around the unit again you will be surprised at how fast his strength comes back. That brings me to one last thing. When Todd is up to it, physically, I want to call Ryan Morgan back in to work with him. Todd's need for self-punishment does not seem to be letting up. It may still be some time before he gets his vision back and he need to be able to learn to walk without being afraid and to feed himself and to use the bathroom. He caught on so quickly during the one session he had with Ryan and I think he would only need a few more and he would be able to get around just fine."

"Oh, come on Susannah. Todd freaked out at the thought of using a cane. What makes you think it will be any different this time?" Sam protested.

"I really do think Sam is right. Todd has so much else to deal with. Why not just let him be with this? We can help him walk and feed him and help him in the bathroom or the staff can," Viki added.

"Is that what you really want for Todd, to be totally dependent on you or on the hospital staff?"

"No, that's not what I meant. It's just that he's been so sick and has been through so much, why force him to do this when he could get his vision back at any time?" Viki explained.

"Todd needs to do for himself. Ever since he became blind he has regressed to an almost childlike state. He clings to you and Sam way more than he should, especially to you Viki. He becomes terrified if one or both of you are not in the room with him," Susannah stated.

"He is confusing me with his mother. That is why he clings to me so," Viki reasoned.

"Yes, that is certainly a part of it and that may have nothing to do with his being in the dark all the time. Even when he is not confusing you with his mother he is terrified to be away from you," Susannah reminded Viki.

"Susannah, sometimes even when I am hugging Todd he can't feel it. He doesn't even realize he's in my arms. Sometimes he can't hear me talk to him even when I speak right into his ear."

"That's a separate issue. Todd starts dissociating and he becomes removed from us, from our touch and voice. He goes away inside his head, as he puts it, and he breaks all emotional and physical attachments with us. He sometimes can't handle all the love and affection that is coming at him. He craves it, but when it happens, it overwhelms him because he is convinced he doesn't deserve it. In a sense he recreates what Peter did to him by taking the love and affection he needs and wants away from himself by not allowing himself to feel being in your arms and hearing your words. I want Todd to come to you both for all the love he needs. I want him to want to be in your arms and get what soothing and comfort he needs from both of you and not have to go inside to get it. I want you both and perhaps eventually even Tea or Blair to be able to make him feel safe and loved and warm, just like Goodone does. I want Todd to be able to trust your love as much as he does Goodone's and know that it won't disappear. I just don't want Todd to need it so much that he can't function without it."

"All right. I am willing to try some more sessions with Ryan," Viki finally agreed with a condition. "You have to promise me if he really starts freaking out over this you will let it go." Viki was afraid Todd would lose what little progress he was making.

"Viki, Todd may freak out at the beginning, but if we stop doing what is necessary for him every time it upsets him we would basically just be doing nothing for him other than keeping him alive and safe. Todd is upset by therapy, therapy with Ryan and even more so, therapy with me. I'll bet if he had to make a choice he would pick therapy with Ryan any day over a therapy session with me. Todd does not want to experience all the pain that therapy causes him to have and I don't blame him. No one willingly wants to hurt that much." Susannah's voice became very gentle. "We can't leave it up to him. Todd cannot make choices that are right for him at this point. I hate forcing him to do things that cause him pain. We have to be strong enough to put him through it so that one day he will be strong enough to handle everything."

"Todd has never been able to handle things. Look at everything that has happened to him since he came to this town. Look at everything he has done and everything that was done to him. He doesn't know how to function in society. He has never really felt a part of our world. He has always lived on the periphery," Viki admitted sadly.

Sam looked at them with tears in his eyes. He swallowed hard to keep his tears at bay before he spoke. "We keep saying he survived. As far as managing to stay alive and managing not to go completely insane, yes he survived, but did he really? Who was that sweet little boy I met? Was that Todd or was it Tom or Timmy or Thomas or the twins, or who knows who else? Even then he must have been switching left and right. Sometimes he would be so outgoing and other times sullen and moody, sometimes he was shy and frightened. He would act almost maternally to some of the younger children. Was that Miss Perkins? Sometimes he would seem so confused about what had gone on. I always worked with kids. I knew kids. How could I have missed that what was happening to Todd was not normal? He never acted like a normal child. His reactions to things and his behavior were always extreme. The thing was, no matter what, he was always such a good kid, so polite and considerate, at least until he turned fourteen. I look back and wonder how I could have let it go? The change in him then was so radical. What was wrong with me! How could I have failed him that way?"

Susannah and Viki both knew that it didn't take much for Sam's guilt to start eating away at him. "Sam, none of us can go back and change what we did. You have to let it go. I know it's easier said than done, but your guilt is nonproductive. It will in no way help Todd and it will hurt you." Susannah did not want to sound cold, however she really wanted to get through to Sam.

"Sam, I honestly believe Todd would not have survived at all if you hadn't been in his life. I know you don't feel that you did enough. I need you to know I will be grateful to you for the rest of my life for the fact that you were there for him," Viki said taking Sam's hand.

Sam patted Viki's hand and asked Susannah, "Is it all right to go back to him now? Is there anything else we need to know?"

"No," Susannah responded with a smile, "let's go see Todd."

Todd was sitting as they left him. Viki and Sam both kissed him hello. Frank told them there had been no change. Viki and Sam looked at Todd and smiled. They were so proud of him.

"He's probably still with Goodone," Viki guessed. She prayed that was most likely where Todd was.

"I hope that's where you are pal. You deserve it." Sam declared. He gently lifted Todd's face up by the chin and looked into Todd's blank eyes.

Viki went to get Todd some pudding. A little while after Viki finished feeding him, Sam and Susannah stood Todd up to take him back to bed. He walked without resistance. They noticed that he seemed a little stronger.

"Keep this up Todd and you'll soon be able to go walking around here again." Susannah was so happy to be able to say that. She was also happy that, for now, Todd didn't require any sedation. Susannah could get a better idea of how that Zyprexa was affecting him if he wasn't being sedated by other medications. Susannah went to the nurses station to write out Todd's progress notes.

After they got him into bed, Viki and Sam both held Todd for a while. Sam told him how proud he was of the progress he made and how brave he was for remembering. Viki stroked his head, rocked him and hummed to him. They both told him how much they loved him.

Goodone noticed Todd looking up and listening to something. Like the sound of an echo carried in the wind, Todd could hear their voices coming to him from very far away. He could not really understand what was being said, but he was able to feel some of the love. He knew they were proud of him. He felt it. He didn't know why, but he wanted them to keep taking. "Papa, they love me," Todd declared. He looked up into Goodone's eyes and smiled. He snuggled closer to his papa. Goodone held Todd tightly. "They're proud of me, papa." Goodone heard the amazement in Todd's voice.

Goodone was happy that Todd was happy and he wanted him to continue to feel the love Sam and Viki were showering on him. He was also afraid. He had discussed this with Carol. They knew how fast love in Sam and Viki's world could vanish. One day someone is there, telling you how much they love you and the next day they are gone forever. Goodone knew what it was to watch Todd try time and time again to please Peter. Todd would have done anything in the world just to get Peter to smile at him or to talk to him without screaming at him. He saw Todd hurt and disappointed. He saw Todd's spirit crushed by "their world." Goodone could hear Sam and Viki. All though Todd wasn't able to, Goodone could make out their words. They seemed genuine, but he was still afraid. He hugged Todd even closer and looked into his eyes. Todd looked back and smiled. "Is the sun warm enough for you?" Goodone asked.

"Yes, papa," Todd answered.

"Papa loves you Todd. Papa loves you and is very, very proud of you." Todd kissed Goodone on the cheek and snuggled deeply into his arms and went to sleep.

Thomas was with Carol and some of the other children. He knew he was there to help Todd and if he forgot Carol would remind him, but he was getting angry and frustrated. He wanted his papa and didn't think it was fair that Goodone would go off to Todd's secret hiding place and leave him behind. Sam and Viki were surprised when Todd suddenly pulled away from them.

"I'll bet you thought I was Todd!" Thomas accused, angrily.

"Thomas?" Viki wanted to be sure.

"You were only hugging me cause you thought I was Todd."

"Thomas, we did think you were Todd because he was the last one out. If we knew it was you we would have wanted to hug you too," Viki assured him.

"Yeah, right!" Thomas answered, sarcastically. "Anyway, I only hug my mama," he added. Thomas took inventory of the way he was feeling. He noticed that he felt stronger than the last time he was out. Only now he felt weird and it frightened him. He felt very warm and very removed from Todd's body. He felt anxious and needed to move around. He felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin. His mouth felt funny, like it was pasted together and it was hard to swallow. "I wanna get up and move around I wanna go play with the toys," Thomas announced. He started to get out of bed.

"Hold it Boomer." Sam held him back. "We'll ask Doctor Hanen if that's all right for you to do that, okay?"

"She's not my mama. I can play with the toys if I want to." Thomas tried to pull away from Sam just as Frank approached him. Frank heard Thomas from his post at the door and immediately headed for him. "Boomer, just wait a few minutes. Doctor Hanen will be right here." Sam was still trying to reason with him.

"Viki, Susannah is still at the nurses station. Will you please let her and the rest of the staff know Thomas has come out?" Frank requested. He didn't want to leave Sam and Viki alone with Thomas.

"Of course," Viki replied.

Susannah and Terry came into Todd's room. Jeff, Nancy and Carl waited just outside the door, in case they were needed. They saw that Thomas was squirming in Sam's arms. He wasn't violently trying to get away and was apparently still too weak to fight even Sam's hold.

"Hi honey, what's going on? Is something upsetting you?" Susannah asked.

"I want to get up and go to the toy box. I want to go to the toy box!"

"All right. You can go. We don't want you to get dizzy and fall; so first you have to sit at the edge of the bed for a couple of minutes. Then we will help you over to the toys."

"I want to go right NOW! I don't want to stay in bed anymore. I never get to do what I want." Thomas protested.

They knew he was angry about more than just getting to the toys. Susannah also noticed an intense need on Thomas' part to get out of bed and move around. She was afraid he was already showing signs of akathisia. "Honey, do you feel restless and like you need to walk around?" Susannah guessed.

"Yes, let me UP!" He tried, again, to pull away from Sam.

"Come on honey. Swing your legs over the side of the bed and in just a few minutes you can get off the bed."

Thomas did as he was told, but stood up before they had a chance to stop him. He was overcome by dizziness. Susannah and Sam caught him as he started to fall forward. They lowered him to a sitting position on the bed. Susannah held his head down. She noticed he felt feverish. Although not common, she thought the fever might be a side effect of the Zyprexa. Thomas seemed to be experiencing several side effects of the medication. "Terry, please do a temp on him, and bring in some tongue depressors," Susannah ordered. Terry went to get the thermometer and Nancy stepped into the room to replace her presence.

Hearing Susannah ask for a thermometer, Sam and Viki exchanged anxious looks. "Thomas may have a little fever," Susannah informed them. Thomas continued to squirm as Sam held him and Susannah held his head down. Tears of frustration streamed down his cheeks. "Okay, honey," Susannah lifted his head up until he was sitting up straight. "Do you still feel dizzy?"

"NO! Let me up!"

Terry came in with the thermometer. "Just two more minutes. Let Terry take your temperature and then I need to look at your throat and ears and we'll get you up," Susannah promised.

Thomas squirmed as Terry put the thermometer in his ear. "One hundred and one," Terry confirmed. Thomas was starting to sweat a little.

"Honey, do you have a sore throat or earache?"

"No!" Thomas replied sharply.

"Do you have a headache or a tummy ache?" Susannah wanted to make sure the fever was just a side effect and not the sign of an infection.

"NO! I wanna get up. I can't sit anymore. Let me UP! LET ME UP!"

"Okay, honey. Just let me examine you really quickly. I'm going to feel your neck right here for swollen glands." Susannah gently felt the front of his neck. "I need to see the back of your throat. Stick your tongue out go aaaahhhh, "Susannah demonstrated."

Thomas pulled back when she put the tongue depressor in his mouth. "I don't like things stuck in my mouth."

Susannah saw his anxiety was increasing. She threw away the tongue depressor. "All right honey, then just open real wide and let me have a look."

Thomas thought about it for a minute and then opened his mouth. "I wanna get UP!" he demanded when she finished looking at his throat.

"Just one more thing and then you can get up." Susannah quickly put the scope in his ears and had a look. "Oookay. Everything is fine. You've been a very brave boy. We'll get you up now." Susannah took his right arm and said, "Sam take his other arm."

"I can get up myself! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Thomas was becoming more agitated.

"All right, you can get up by yourself. You have to stand up very slowly or you will feel dizzy again. We'll stand here in case you want some help," Susannah said calmly.

Thomas slowly stood up. "See! I told you I could do it by myself. I'm not a baby."

"No, you're not a baby," Susannah confirmed.

Thomas headed for the toys. He got down on his knees and started rummaging through the box. He tossed the toys he didn't want on the floor near the box. They noticed he was bouncing back and forth from his heels to his knees as he looked through the toys. His body was in constant motion.

"He's so jittery. Is that and the fever a side effect of the Zyprexa?" Viki whispered to Susannah.

"Most likely, yes," Susannah responded.

Thomas pulled himself into a standing position. He didn't seem dizzy. He started pacing and muttering to himself.

"Honey, what is it? Why did you stop looking at the toys?" Susannah needed to know.

"There's nothing I wanna play with. I wanna go for a walk." He headed for the door. Frank and Susannah both moved quickly and stopped him. The other staff members were ready, just outside the door, should they be needed.

Thomas turned to Susannah and shouted, "I WANNA GO FOR A WALK! LET GO! YOU'RE NOT MY MAMA. I WANT MY MAMA! I HATE YOU!" Viki was getting nervous. She didn't want to see Thomas go into a restraint or have to be sedated.

"Terry, do you know if the playroom is occupied?" Susannah inquired.

"Not that I know of," Terry answered.

"Honey would you like to go to the playroom for a while? Maybe you can find something you'll like to play with there?" Thomas thought for a moment and nodded. Susannah noticed his hair was becoming damp with perspiration. "Okay, let's go. We will just walk along side of you. We won't touch you if you don't become dizzy and if you stay safe." Thomas nodded again. "Terry will you please bring some orange juice to the playroom." Susannah didn't want him to dehydrate.

Thomas was a little unsteady on his feet. Nevertheless he made it to the playroom without anyone having to take his arms. "Well, hello Thomas. It's great to see you up and around. There are a lot of new toys and games that came in since you've been here." Alan greeted and informed him when he realized it was Thomas.

Terry came in with the juice. "Here ya go hon." She said and handed it to him. Thomas took it without protest. He drank thirstily. He then stared to pace back and forth across the playroom. He didn't even look at the toys.

"Thomas, don't you want to check out the toys?" Viki asked.

"You love Todd! Everybody loves Todd! I wanna go outside and ride my bicycle. I can make it jump into the air. Sam, I wanna show you. I can do it better than Todd and better than anyone." Thomas walked over to Sam and pulled on his arm in an attempt to get him to take him outside.

"Boomer, I'll bet you can ride your bicycle better than anyone, but we can't go out now. Why don't we play with some of the toys together? You love Lego’s. Look how many they have here. How would you like to build a bridge or a castle or . . . "

"Then I'll go myself. I don't need you!" Thomas declared. He headed for the door. Susannah was afraid he was going to end up in a restraint. She was very concerned that after only one 5 mg dose he already seemed to be presenting with akathisia. She knew how horrible that felt, "like ants in the pants," she remembered one patient describe it. She didn't want to give him any medication at this point because sometimes an antiparkinsonian agent, like Cogentin, didn't help and the beta-blocker that might help, propranolol, would lower his blood pressure even further. Also, she wasn't sure if it was akathisia. She hoped it might just be Thomas' anger and need to go outside. Unfortunately, she knew most likely he was experiencing a side effect of the Zyprexa.

Frank stood near the door. As before, other staff members stood just outside of it.

"Thomas you can't go out," Susannah began. "Why don't you show Sam how to build that castle? You do that so well." Susannah knew that staying focused and concentrating on something might help if it was akathisia.

"I would really like that Boomer. I don't know how to build a castle. Do you think you can teach me?" Sam hoped to distract him.

Thomas seemed to calm down a little. "Okay, but then can we go outside?" he asked hopefully.

"No Boomer. I'm sorry, not today. It's really too cold out to ride your bicycle anyway."

Thomas looked disappointed, but he stayed calm. He and Sam sat on the floor by the Lego's. Thomas had a hard time sitting still. He continually rocked back and forth as he sat on his knees, resting back on his heels. He did not stand up or start pacing. Susannah was still hoping it wasn't an extrapyramidal symptom after all.

Thomas was getting bored and told Sam, "I'll be right back. I wanna look for some dragons to put outside the castle."

"Get up slowly, Boomer," Sam reminded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Thomas remarked. They all exchanged looks and smiled. He waited a minute and then stood up, refusing Sam's hand to help him. Thomas rummaged through the toys and found some dinosaurs. He put them aside and kept looking. "Are there any dragons?" he asked Alan.

"No, Thomas. I'm sorry. I don't think so," Alan replied.

"I guess I'll have to use the dumb ol' dinosaurs." Thomas took them in his hand. He didn't sit back down. He walked to the window. They were all on guard. "It don't look cold. Did you lie to me?" he looked into Sam's eyes.

"No, Boomer. It is cold out. It's sunny so it doesn't seem cold from inside."

Thomas started to pace again and mutter to himself again. He then stopped and sat back down. Susannah wasn't sure what was going on with him. She stepped over to where he sat and felt his head. It felt a little cooler. As Susannah was walking away she heard Andy's voice ask. "Thomas, can I play with the dinosaurs too?"

Thomas looked a little annoyed, then begrudgingly replied, "okay." He then asked Andy "is papa still with Todd?"

Andy nodded. Thomas pouted, but didn't say anything. "Mama says Todd needs him so we have to be patient. Mama let me stay with her. Everyone else was sleeping," Andy informed Thomas.

"Big deal! I still miss our real mama," Thomas responded.

"I love Carol. She don't lie like mommy," Andy declared.

"TAKE THAT BACK! MAMA DON'T LIE!" Thomas shouted.

"Yes she does. She lies all the time." Andy held his ground.

"Mama never lied to me. Maybe she hates you?" Thomas directed his angry remarks at Andy.

Andy's lower lip started to quiver. Susannah sat down on the floor "between them." "Thomas, you know that your mama doesn't hate any of you. She put her arm around his shoulder, hoping to comfort Andy. Susannah guessed wrong because Thomas pulled away and announced, "She does too hate him. He almost got us sent away. Instead he got sent away. Mama thinks he's a nasty boy."

Andy put his head down and started to cry. "I don't care what mommy thinks. I hate her," Andy said in Thomas' direction.

Before they could stop him, Thomas picked up one of the Lego's, and thinking he was hitting Andy in the face with it, he hit himself.

"THOMAS!" Sam shouted. Viki came running over to Andy, who was screaming and crying in pain.

Thomas, who did not feel the pain, shouted, "EVERYBODY HATES ME! I DON'T CARE!" He was afraid he was in trouble for hitting Andy. He went back inside.

Andy was now out alone. He was crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. Seeing what happened from her spot outside the playroom, Nancy ran for an ice pack. Andy didn't seem to be hurt too badly, however his eye was already turning colors. Sam put his arms around Andy and pulled him to him. He turned Andy's back to him and enclosing his arms around Andy's so Andy couldn't push Susannah's hands away as she examined his face.

"Shhhhh! Andy, it's all right. Thomas was just very angry at everyone. He wasn't feeling well. He didn't mean to hurt you," Sam soothed. Viki kneeled down and held his head still. Frank held his legs. That was all that was needed. Andy had even less strength than Thomas. Andy continued to scream and cry. He was really more upset than he was hurt.

"Ooookay Andy. You have no cut. You'll be okay, sweetheart," Susannah comforted. Nancy came in and handed her the ice pack. "Andy, I need to put this ice pack on your face and eye. It will make it feel better. It's doesn't hurt. It just feels cold," Susannah explained.

Andy's screams turned to small sobs. He pulled back a little when Susannah applied the ice. He then held still. "Are you going to send me away too?" Andy asked looking up at Viki. His eyes were frightened.

"No, oh Andy, of course not, sweetheart," Viki answered. She kissed his head.

"We would never send you away, Andy. We love you," Sam added.

"Even after Thomas told you?" Andy asked, still crying.

"What did Thomas tell us?" Viki asked cautiously.

Andy hung his head down. "It's my fault that everyone almost got sent away. I was bad and mommy got mad and mommy hates me. She hates me cause daddy likes me best."

Andy seemed to be calming down. Sam loosened his hold. Andy turned around so he was facing Sam as they both still sat on the floor. Andy sat on his knees and cuddled closer to Sam. He put his arms around Sam's neck and rested his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam rubbed his back. Susannah handed Viki the ice pack and Viki, who was kneeling behind Sam, placed it on the exposed wounded side of Andy's face, while the other side rested on Sam's shoulder. Susannah hoped that she would finally get Andy to talk about why he thinks his mother hates him and why he stayed away for so many years. She realized that Thomas, and perhaps some of the others knew Andy's secret. She needed Andy, himself, to tell what had happened. Susannah waited patiently while Sam and Viki comforted their child.

TO BE CONTINUED