Todd's mental condition had remained unchanged throughout the entire next day. After nearly three days Susannah knew this was it. His blood pressure was starting to drop and his heart rate was increasing, beyond normal. Neither was at a dangerous level, but his physical health was starting to become compromised. Viki was going to have to decide, now, if she would allow Susannah to start the Zyprexa. Susannah hated to force the issue and knew the torment she was putting Viki through. Susannah had promised Sam and Blair and Tea and most of all Viki that she would not give Todd the neuroleptic unless she had no choice. Unfortunately that time had come. Viki had to make the decision and make it now. Susannah asked Sam and Viki to come to her office with her. She saw the fear in their eyes, as they left Todd's room.

*****

Sam and Viki sat in the club chairs in front of Susannah's desk. Viki nervously rubbed the fingers of her left hand with the fingers of her right. Sam just gripped the arms of the chair. "I know you are both very upset right now. I hate to add to that," Susannah sighed. "I would really like to start Todd on the Zyprexa if we are going to do it. His pressure is lower than I would like and his heart rate is accelerating."

"Is he in danger?" Viki asked. She was terrified.

"No, but I don't like the way this is going. If his condition doesn't improve I'm going to have him transferred to the CCU."

Sam and Viki exchanged frightened looks. "Can this medication worsen his condition?" Sam inquired nervously.

"Paradoxically, there is a potential for this medication to cause hypotension and tachycardia. So, Todd will have to be monitored very closely. Right now his pressure is low and his heart rate up because of all his body is going through. I don't believe the Zyprexa will cause that to happen."

Viki and Sam looked at each other again. "Susannah, are you sure this medication is not as likely as some others to cause all those side effects?" Sam asked.

"It is usually better tolerated than the others, especially when it comes to the extrapyramidal symptoms," Susannah told them again.

"But Todd has had so many bad reactions to most of the antidepressants he's been on and some of the antianxiety medication. He even had problems with one of the vitamin supplements. The one that made him so sick to his stomach," Viki stated. She looked pleadingly at Susannah.

"Yes, I know. Todd is extremely sensitive to meds. That is a problem. Over the past few months I have tried so many different meds with him. That is why I sometimes even have to try some older meds, ones I usually don't prescribe anymore. Sometimes what may have caused problems for other patients can get a good result with one particular patient. Eventually we have to hit on the right combination. I don't like to take away of give more than one med at a time, because we need to know which one is causing the problem. Now again, this one has a low incidence or causing allergic reaction and stomach upset. In fact it has an antiemetic effect."

"In English please, Susannah," Sam remarked with a weak smile.

"It helps to prevent and relieve nausea and vomiting. So it actually can help his stomach feel better."

"And you said that the tremors and the spasms and the worst one the tardive dyskinesia and that, oh the malignant something . . ." Viki tried to remember the name.

"Neuroleptic malignant syndrome and that is rare, especially with this drug. I have to let both you know the worst scenario so you can make an informed decision, but you have to understand that the likelihood of these things happening is rare. The most common side effects, the ones that Todd is most likely to experience are sleepiness, dizziness, headache, possibly some fever, weight gain and an increased appetite, dry mouth, and constipation. The sleepiness and dizziness are usually transient and will ease up in time. We would have to watch for a rise in his SGPT and SGOT. Both are enzymes and an increase can indicate liver damage. I would monitor his renal function, but you know, we are already keeping a close eye on that and have been for months. Todd is on so much medication that he already has to be monitored very closely. I have spoken with a colleague of mine who works at Bellevue in New York City. He did say there have been some cases of elevated blood sugar. This is a new finding and is not yet in the literature for Zyprexa. As he has been all along, Todd is being monitored for that. All of the most common side effects are not serious and can be easily controlled. The main thing you may notice is that he will want to sleep a lot when the medication is started. Or it could have the opposite effect and cause insomnia and excitability. That is unpredictable. He may become restless, feel like pacing, and become anxious. He will still continue to receive the Paxil for depression and an antianxiety agent as needed, and his sleep med, although that may not be necessary during the initial phase of the Zyprexa. The Zyprexa alone may do the trick."

Susannah was hoping she was reassuring them. She knew that in her heart she wished she didn't have to try this drug with Todd.

"You don't think there is a chance that he will just pull out of this on his own?" Susannah could hear the desperation in Sam's voice.

"I think eventually this episode will pass. Unfortunately, I also think it will be followed by more of them. Even if Todd himself didn't experience anymore psychotic episodes, there are the alters who show schizoid symptomatology. Also, the Zyprexa may slow down the switching. I didn't want to risk it for that alone, but now I really don't see that there is much of a choice."

"When would you want to start it?" Viki asked.

"Tonight, I would prefer to give it to him at night because of the potential of making him sleepy. It has a long half-life. It only has to be given once a day. It will be crushed and put in his feeding tube. You do realize that it may take anywhere from a couple to several weeks before the full benefits are achieved. Unfortunately some of the more common and some of the more serious side effects, if there are any, can show up after the first dose of two."

"Susannah, there is something else I wanted to talk to you about," Viki began. "Terry said that Todd lost another pound. I don't understand. He is being fed so many times during the day with a high calorie supplement. Why isn't he gaining weight or at least not losing it?"

"Todd's body uses the calories as fast as we can get them into him. I am hoping that the appetite increasing side effect of this drug, if you choose to allow it, will help with that."

Viki was still undecided. She was terrified of doing something that could hurt Todd for the rest of his life. "Can we just have a little more time to think it over?" she asked Susannah.

"Yes, of course, but please, I would really like to start it as soon as possible if we are going to do it." Susannah's phone rang. It was Terry. Todd was coming out of the sedation sooner than expected and he was already screaming.

As soon as they walked out of Susannah's office they could hear Todd's screams echoing down the hallway. As they got closer to his room they became almost unbearable. He was, as before, screaming for the real Viki, Sam and Susannah. He was convinced his extremities did not belong to him. He was terrified that Starr was in danger and that his dog was lost and the he was lost in the woods and being rejected by Viki. He was fighting the restraints and short of breath. His blood pressure remained the same, but his heart rate had increased even further.

Viki could not bear it anymore. She could not just stand by and watch him suffer this way. She looked at Sam. "We have to do it. He can't go on like this." Sam didn't say anything. He looked at Viki and nodded. He hugged her and held her close.

"Susannah, bring me the papers. You can start him on the Zyprexa." Susannah patted Viki's shoulder and headed for the nurses station.

"Has Viki made up her mind yet?" Terry asked.

"Yeah, I'm starting him on 5 mg of Zyprexa tonight. I want it crushed and put in the NG tube and then do the 9pm feeding. I want the restraints left in place. Continue the Paxil as his antidepressant and with the lorazepam for anxiety. The Zyprexa and the other meds might be enough put him out for the night so hold off on the sleep med. I want his vitals checked every fifteen minutes, until further notice."

"Susannah," Terry asked, "do you think our boy is going to pull out of this?"

"Yes, I won't allow him not to," Susannah replied. She smiled at Terry as she patted her on the arm.

Viki and Sam watched nervously as Connie flushed Todd's feeding tube and then crushed his first dose of Zyprexa and mixed it with water and administered it. Todd was in a restless sleep despite being heavily sedated. The oxygen had been discontinued. The cardiac monitor was still in place. Susannah saw that Sam and Viki were looking at Todd as if he were going to explode the minute the medication went into him. She knew they were both terrified by the decision they had made.

"He's doing fine," Susannah assured them as she walked in-between Sam and Viki. She placed an arm around each of their shoulders. "I really hate this," Sam commented, "all those different medications working on different parts of his brain. I mean his brain for God's sake! That's what makes Todd, Todd. Sometimes I feel like we are trying to change who he is. Who the real Todd is? Sometimes I wonder if I even know the real Todd? If anyone does?"

"Sam, they are all Todd. Even Pete and Saber, but yes, you do know Todd. You know him and love him," Viki said, as she stroked her brother's hair.

"Sam we are not trying to change who Todd is. The medications are trying to normalize his brain not change it. Todd is severely depressed and that is not normal. He is highly agitated and anxious, that is not normal. He is psychotic and that is not normal. With the medications, we are trying to correct the abnormalities, not create them." Susannah really wanted Sam and Viki to understand. She knew how hard it was to see your child so heavily drugged and seemingly not getting any relief. She prayed that Todd would respond to the Zyprexa.

"Aladdin has a magic genie. I wish I had a magic genie." Sam was startled to hear Peep whispering. As the sedation lightened Todd had once again become restless. Restraints were put in place until he could be assessed. Peep quickly realized he couldn't raise his arms or legs. "The bad master tied me down. He tied me down," Peep cried.

Susannah was called to Todd's room. Sam asked Dave to please send someone to the lounge to get Viki. Connie checked Peep's vitals. "The giant's bad and the master's bad . . . send them away because I can't find the magic beans . . . I don't want the sheep to come . . . they bite and it hurts . . . because it's dark and they have too much wool . . . and I can't have a magic lamp . . . and Jack went up the beanstalk and I can't find him." Although he was crying, Sam noticed Peep's words were coming out slowly. His speech seemed sluggish.

Susannah came into the room with Viki not far behind. "Hello Peep. How do you feel?" Susannah asked, remembering to whisper.

"There's too much wool . . . I can't find the beanstalk . . . the master tied me down."

"No, Peep. You are in what's called restraints. That means that we don't want you to hurt yourself so we are helping you to stay safe. His crying slowed down. "Can you tell me if anything feels funny or different?"

"My head hurts cause the sheep bite it. The giant is bad. He's mean to Jack."

"Does your head hurt a lot?"

"A whole bunch. The sheep bite it."

Susannah didn't know if it was part of his hallucination or if he was already experiencing side effects from the Zyprexa. "Peep are you seeing sheep right now?" He nodded. Susannah could see his eyes were getting heavy. "Peep, are you feeling sleepy?"

"Uh huh, but I have to wait for the master to untie me cause then I can go find Jack."

Susannah thought for a moment. He seemed calm. "If I untie your wrists and ankles do you promise to stay safe and close your eyes and let yourself sleep?"

"Will you let the master tie me up again while I'm sleeping?"

"No, honey. I promise. We will not let the master near you. We'll watch over you and keep you safe while you're sleeping."

"That's good cause he's mean . . . and the giant is mean . . . and they hurt Jack cause he gave me the magic beans . . . the sheep ate them . . . see, they're eating the magic beans cause you won't let them bite me cause my head hurts . . . It's too dark to see the sheep . . . Mary had a lamb not sheep." His words were slurring as he fought sleep.

Susannah Connie and Dave released Peep's wrists and ankles from the restraints. Peep stayed calm and didn't try to get out of bed. He looked up at Sam and asked, "Will you keep the master from hurting the lady? Cause she untied me and he'll get mad"

"Sure I will Peep. Don't worry. I won't let the master anywhere near here."

"The giant too?"

"The giant too," Sam assured him in a whisper.

"It's okay to let the genie in cause he's good and he has to find his lamp. Okay?"

"Okay," Sam whispered.

"Why don't you close your eyes and try to rest for a while. It's bedtime," Susannah coaxed.

"My head hurts a lot," he murmured and fell asleep.

"Do you think his headache is a side effect of the medication?" Viki asked as soon as Peep went down.

"Possibly. It's difficult to tell at this point because he is on so much other medication and because he may have been feeling the sheep biting him. I don't know if Peep is prone to headaches. We'll give him some Tylenol just in case. Connie went to get it."

"He seemed a lot calmer do you think the Zyprexa could have kicked in already?" Sam inquired.

"No, one dose wouldn't alleviate the psychotic symptoms. It would make him sleepy and that may have kept him calmer."

"His speech seemed different, slower," Sam added.

"Yes, I noticed that too," Viki confirmed.

"That is probably the medication. It's usually a transient side effect. It kind of makes everything slow down and seem in slow motion. Some of the alters or Todd may be bothered by that feeling, at first." Susannah didn't add that this usually doesn't happen with just one dose. She was afraid, like with most other meds, Todd was extremely sensitive to this one.

"Perhaps he came out of the episode for good and no longer needs the new medication," Viki grasped at straws.

"Viki. I'm sorry. That is not likely. I do think the episode may have passed for now. I don't think anything has changed. Todd and the alters have come out of them before. I don't mean to sound discouraging, but you really have to give the medication a chance." Why don't you two go back to the lounge? I will stay here for a while and then stay in my office overnight, since it is the first time Todd has been exposed to the medication. Don't worry. I'll be here. The staff knows to call me immediately if there is even the slightest change."

Viki and Sam both nodded and kissed Peep goodnight. They headed for the lounge. Susannah stayed with Todd for two more hours. He was sleeping peacefully. She headed for her office and got some sleep. As Sam and Viki did, Susannah made several trips to Todd's room to check on him. "Todd may not have had any luck with the people who raised him, but he sure has people in his life who love him now," Connie commented to Marcia as she watched them come and go throughout the night.

Blair was nervous as she sat in the outer office waiting to see Matthew Allen. Blair had gotten his name from a lawyer referral group. He specialized in custody cases. "Mrs. Manning?" Blair looked up and saw a man in his fifties. He had curly, salt and pepper hair and lively blue eyes that made him seem younger than his age. He had a warm friendly smile. Blair liked that he personally came out into the waiting room instead of having the secretary show her in. Blair had decided to start calling herself Mrs. Manning again. She thought it appropriate under the circumstances.

"Now, let me get this straight," Matthew began, "you are seeking legal custody of your ex-husband? I have to tell you that my cases usually involve minors. I have never tired to get anyone custody of a mentally incapacitated adult before."

It upset Blair to hear Todd referred to that way. Matthew was sensitive to that. "Mrs. Manning, I know it is hard to see our loved ones sick. You do understand that we will have to show that your ex-husband cannot look after his own best interest and that those who are doing it for him are not doing right by him? I have to say going in to this that the fact that you and Mr. Manning are divorced will make this an almost impossible case to win."

"Almost? Then you think I have some kind of chance?" Blair asked, hopefully.

"Mrs. Manning, nothing is impossible. I have to be honest with you. Your chances are not good. Now why don't you fill me in on why Mr. Manning is your ex-husband and not your husband?"

Matthew was left a little stunned as Blair related the saga of Todd's supposed death in Ireland. She was upfront and honest about Todd seeing her with Patrick and about all the lost chances they had before they called it quits for good. She told him about Todd's marriage to Tea, emphasizing that it started with Tea being bought to help Todd win custody of Starr. She did, begrudgingly, admit that Todd cared for and might have even grown to love Tea before he got sick. She told him about the custody battle for Starr and that, legally, Todd had custody of their child. She told him what lead to Todd's breakdown. Of course, Blair did not have the whole story concerning Michelle. She explained that Todd's older sister was appointed his legal guardian and that she did not agree that she was getting the best care for him and that was why she wanted custody. She told him how she took care of her mother and "rescued" her from an institution.

Matthew listened and took notes. When Blair mentioned that Todd's sister was Victoria Carpenter, Matthew looked up. He was clearly surprised. "The publisher of the Banner?"

"Yes, does that make a difference? My husband is the founder and publisher of the Sun."

"I'm sorry. I didn't make the connection when I heard the your husband's name."

"I know Viki is a wonderful woman and I am not saying she doesn't want what's best for Todd. I am saying that what she thinks is best, isn't." Blair went on to tell him how long Todd had been in the hospital and how much worse he was now then when he was first admitted. She described Todd to him and told him about the pneumonia and the two cardiac arrests.

"So, you want Mr. Manning transferred to another hospital?" Matthew asked.

"No! I want him home."

Matthew was shocked. "Mrs. Manning, from everything you've told me your ex-husband is in no shape to be home."

"I don't mean to just bring him home without care," Blair began defensively. "I could have a whole staff there for him. I can have a full time therapist for him. I just want to be in control of what they do to him. Also, I think Todd will do better in a home environment, with his daughter near him."

"Do you have any proof that," looking at his notes he continued, "Doctor Hanen is harming him in some way or that she is not doing what is best for him?"

"What do you mean by proof?" Blair was getting anxious.

"The word of another physician or of some of the hospital staff, a nurse perhaps."

Blair looked down at her lap and confessed, "No, nothing like that. I just know what can happen to people in mental hospitals. Todd is being drugged out of his mind. He is being put in restraints all the time. I think that is what is making him worse more than his illness."

"I see that Todd has DID and about two dozen personalities. Mrs. Manning that is very ill. Mr. Manning may need all those medications. He may need to be protected from himself. I'm sure it isn't done as a punitive measure."

"I know that!" Blair was starting to get upset. "I am not saying anyone is deliberately trying to hurt Todd. I am saying that their best intentions are wrong. Even people like Viki Carpenter and Susannah Hanen and Sam Rappaport can be wrong, can't they?"

"Did you say Sam Rappaport?"

"Yes, why do you know him?" Blair asked, nervously.

"I know of him. I know that he is an attorney who has a reputation for never losing. What is his connection to Mr. Manning?"

"Legally none, but he was there when Todd was little and Todd has known him most of his life. He is a father figure to Todd and to most of the alters. He is also involved with Todd's sister."

"Involved?" Matthew raised his eyebrows.

"They are living together. Although, to be honest, they spend most of their time at the hospital with Todd."

"You do know that Mr. Rappaport will come after you with all he's got? He will not just stand by and watch you try to take Todd away from his sister's custody." Matthew stated bluntly.

"There is something about Sam's relationship with Todd you should know. Sam saw Todd all covered with bruises and welts and burns and even some broken bones and he did nothing. He never tried to help Todd get away from his father."

"Did Mr. Rappaport know for a fact that Todd was being abused?"

"No, but isn't there some kind of law or at least a moral responsibility that if an adult sees a child that is always hurt that way they are supposed to report it?"

"Times were different when your husband was a child. Even now most people don't want to get involved in taking a child away from their parents."

"But, supposedly Sam loved Todd. Doesn't that make his not helping even worse?" Blair pointed out.

"Even if it did, you are not trying to take Todd away from Sam Rappaport. You are trying to take him away from his sister and from what you've told me she is completely devoted to him."

"Mr. Allen, I keep telling you, I am not saying Viki or Sam or even Doctor Hanen are trying to hurt Todd in any way. I am saying that what they think is good for him is not! What they are doing is hurting him and making him sicker."

"What about the current Mrs. Manning? How does she feel about all this?"

"It would be to the current Mrs. Manning's best interest to keep Todd locked away."

Matthew could hear the bitterness in Blair's voice. "And why is that?" he questioned.

"Because the current Mrs. Manning is sleeping with Kevin Buchanan, who happens to be Viki's eldest son."

Blair could see that Matthew was surprised, if not shocked. "Do you have some proof of this?" he asked.

"I saw them in her hotel room together. Tea was nearly naked and Kevin was about to go into the shower. Don't you see what a perfect setup this is for Tea? She gets to keep Todd's money and gets even more and with him locked away she gets to do what ever the hell she wants."

"Does Mrs. Carpenter know about this alleged affair?"

"I don't know. I do know that Todd and Kevin were enemies before Todd got sick. Kevin hated him. Now, according to Viki, Kevin loves one of Todd's alters, a little four-year-old boy named Timmy. Viki claims Kevin is very devoted to Todd and to helping him. I never really bought that. I can't believe a tiger would change his stripes like that. Kevin and his entire Buchanan family made it their life's work to try to hurt Todd and to get him back into prison. Kevin also has a past with Tea. They were lovers before he married my cousin.

"Kevin is married?"

"Yes, to the most wonderful woman in the world. My cousin Cassie is totally devoted to him. She gave up her child for him. Kevin already cheated on her with a nurse. Cassie forgave him and this is what she gets for it. This also would not be the first time Tea cheated on Todd. She slept with Cassie's ex, Andrew Carpenter."

"Reverend Andrew Carpenter?"

Blair nodded.

Matthew could not believe how complicated this was getting. He knew Blair had basically no chance in hell, but he was intrigued. If he took this case it would be the challenge of his career, especially if it meant coming up against Sam Rappaport. "I have to tell you going in, this could get very expensive. For one thing we would need expert medical testimony that the care your husband is receiving is improper or inadequate in some way. We would need to prove that the treatment he is receiving is harming him. We would also need to prove that his sister is not fit to be a guardian or that she does not have his best interest in mind. In the interim Todd could end up with another court appointed guardian, possibly someone who is a total stranger. Decisions about him could be completely taken away from his family altogether. Are you prepared for that to happen?"

Blair hadn't thought of that. "Couldn't I be appointed a temporary guardian?"

"I strongly doubt that."

"Couldn't I at least get the right to have some say in the decisions made about his care?"

"If you were still married yes, but in the eyes of the court you are a stranger to Mr. Manning and have no more rights than Mr. Rappaport. The only ones who have a legal right to any say about what is done to him are his sister and possibly his wife, if she were to press the issue. If she bands together with his sister and I imagine that she would, especially if there is any validity in what you suspect. They will be a formidable force to come up against, especially if Sam Rappaport represents them."

Blair was feeling discouraged. "So, you don't think I have any chance of being able to save Todd?"

"Mrs. Manning, can you tell me why you want to 'save,' as you put it, your ex-husband so badly, particularly given the fact that he took custody of your daughter away from you? To some that might look a little questionable, at best."

"Todd and I have had our differences. But when the chips were down, like when our daughter had aplastic anemia and I was hurt in an auto accident, Todd was there for us. He never once let us down. When I married Todd," Blair looked down at her lap again. She then looked Matthew right in the eye. "When I married Todd I did it for the money. I needed money to keep my mother in Saint Ann's. Where by the way she is getting excellent care. I found out Todd was about to inherit nearly thirty million dollars. Todd didn't even know that his father was Victor Lord. I found out and never told him. I pretended to be pregnant to get him to marry me. I thought I was in love with another man at the time. Todd was good to me. He was so good to me, like no one had ever been before."

Blair paused for a moment and sighed. "You cannot imagine what it like to be loved by Todd. He is the most generous and giving person I have ever known. I had no idea how ill he was or that I was probably dealing with some of Todd's alters during our marriage. I ended up really getting pregnant and I was mugged and lost the baby. Todd was devastated, but I turned away from him. Then we managed to find our way back to each other and he found I lied about everything. Todd had our marriage annulled. Somehow we found our way back to each other once again. Then Todd went to Ireland. You know the rest. Yes, Todd hurt me and did some awful things, but I did worse to him. Now when I realize how ill he was during that time I . . ." Blair's voice trailed off as tears fell silently down her cheeks.

Matthew handed her a box of tissues. She gratefully took a couple. "Mrs. Manning, do you still love Todd?"

Blair once again looked him straight in the eye. "Yes. I never really stopped."

That was what Matthew wanted to hear. "Why don't you give me some time to think about this and I will get back to you. One of the first things we need to do is try to subpoena your husband's medical records. We have to see exactly what is being done to him and then find out if that is the proper treatment or even if it is the best treatment. Perhaps there are things that can be done for Todd that might not cause as much damage as some of the drugs he's being given. Or we may find out that this is exactly the right treatment for him and no one could do better. You have to prepare yourself for that possibility."

"I want what is best for Todd. If what they are doing is best for him then I will let it go."

Once again, that was what Matthew wanted to hear. "One way or the other I will be in touch with you in a few days." He stood up and walked Blair to the door. Blair left there feeling a little more hopeful than when she had walked in.

It was Todd who woke late the next morning. He was no longer screaming. He just reached out into the darkness as he usually did. Viki was with him. Sam had gone to speak with Tea about what had happened the last time she was there. They knew she must have been extremely upset to have gone out and gotten drunk after she left the hospital.

"Todd, it's Viki. I'm right here sweetheart." She took his hand.

"Viki?" Todd called out weakly.

"Yes, baby. I not going anywhere."

"I feel funny," Todd's speech was even slower than Peep's had been. "Can I have some water? I'm really thirsty."

"Here baby." Viki held a cup of water to his lips with one hand and supported his head with the other.

Todd drank thirstily. When he was finished, she stroked his head and asked, "Is that better?"

Susannah came in. She was happy to see that it was Todd who was awake and that he was calm. She knew that neuroleptic couldn't possibly have kicked in so quickly and that this time he probably would have come around on his own. "Good morning Todd. How are you feeling?"

Viki answered for Todd before he had a chance to. "He said he feels funny and he was very thirsty."

"Viki, let's let Todd tell me," Susannah chastised gently.

"Of course. I'm sorry." Viki was a little embarrassed.

"That's all right," Susannah said. She smiled reassuringly at Viki, letting her know no harm was done. Susannah reached into her pocket for her micro cassette recorder. She put it on record and placed it on the nightstand. "Todd can you tell me yourself how you're feeling?"

"Spacey, not real. Everything is weird, like in slow motion." Tears started to trickle out of the corners of Todd's eyes.

Susannah saw Viki was starting to get upset and motioned for her to stay calm. "Todd does the way you feel frighten you?" Susannah knew that as unlikely as it was Todd was already starting to feel many of Zyprexa's side effects.

He nodded. "It's like everything is slow and I feel like the room is spinning."

"Does your head hurt?" Susannah wanted to know if he shared that side effect with Peep.

"No. I want to go back to sleep. Am I in bed?" He was still having perceptual problems.

"Todd can you tell me where you are?"

He looked confused for a minute. "Hospital," he muttered.

"That's right, sweetheart. You're in your own bed and you are safe." Viki's heart was breaking for him.

"Sam," Todd called out. His voice sounded even weaker.

"Todd, Sam had to go out for a little while. He will be back very soon," Viki assured him.

"Oh," he answered in a monotone. "Can I have some more water?"

Susannah poured out a cup and held it to his lips as she supported his head, as Viki had. "Todd, are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?" Susannah asked. He shook his head. 'That would be the one side effect he won't get,' Susannah thought to herself. "Todd, can you tell me the last thing you remember before waking up now?" Susannah posed the question.

"I was dreaming about being under all these clothes and I couldn't breathe," he answered. His words were slow and drawn out.

Susannah and Viki were both surprised that Todd was remembering his memory of being put in the trunk for making noise. "Can you tell me more about that dream?" Susannah pressed.

"I want to go back to sleep," he whined. Viki knew that wanting to sleep was not something Todd would normally want. Todd usually fought sleep at all costs. She realized the medication must really be doing a number on him.

"I'll tell you what," Susannah said, lowering Todd's bed from it's forty-five degree angle. "Why don't you lay back and get comfortable and tell me what you remember about your dream, just till you fall asleep."

Todd shrugged and turned over on his side. He felt the leads from the monitor tug a little. He put his hand to his chest. Susannah quickly grabbed his hand. "Todd those won't hurt you. Those are just the leads that go from your chest to a heart monitor."

"If I pull them out will my heart stop?" he asked.

"No, not at all," Susannah responded.

"Too bad," Todd muttered.

They were taken back by his reply. His depression might be increasing. Susannah was hoping she wasn't going to have to try yet another antidepressant. She did not like to start more than one new drug at a time. Many of them shared similar side effects and it would be difficult to ascertain where the problem was coming from. "Do you wish your heart would stop?" Susannah inquired.

"I wish I would stop." Todd answered.

Susannah and Viki looked at each other. "Todd things will get better. You may not realize it, but you are much better today than you were yesterday." Susannah told him honestly.

"You sound like a Hallmark card," Todd cracked.

Both Susannah and Viki laughed. To hear Todd's sarcasm once again was like music to their ears.

"Can I have some more water?" Todd requested.

Susannah was getting a little concerned. This was his third cup in just about ten minutes. She knew the medication was probably making his mouth very dry, but this seemed a little excessive. They helped him back into a sitting position and Susannah once again held a cup of water to his lips, while supporting his head. Todd finished that cup of water too. They laid him back down.

"I'm cold," Todd announced. He reached for the blankets. Viki pulled them up over him and Susannah reached for another one that was on the chair with the morning linens. The tech had waited to see if he was going to be able to get to the chair before she changed the sheets.

Todd snuggled down into the bed, under three blankets. "Sweetheart, is that better?" Viki asked.

"I'm still cold," Todd complained.

Todd's last CBC showed his hemoglobin and hematocrit had dropped slightly. He was getting more anemic. True, his being cold to the extent he was was psychological as well as physical, but being so anemic didn't help. Susannah planed on talking to his hematologist about starting him on Procrit to raise his blood count. At least it was one drug that had very few side effects, the most common one being a rise in blood pressure, which in Todd's case would be a good thing.

"Todd, you were telling us about your dream. You said you remembered being under a lot of clothes and not being able to breathe. Where were all these clothes?"

"Leave me alone. I want to go to sleep." He pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Todd just answer that one question and then I'll leave you alone, deal?"

"Viki?" He reached out.

"I'm still here, sweetheart." Viki took his hand.

"I'm so cold." Todd was shivering.

There was one more blanket left on the chair. Susannah unfolded it over Todd. "Todd, can you remember where you were when all the clothes were over you?" Susannah knew he had already come close to remembering in the art room and had suppressed the memory again. She wanted to get to it before he had a chance to bury it deep inside his mind again.

"It's dark. Why is it always so dark?" Todd's shivering turned to trembling. "I don't want to see that. Make it go away. Viki, make it go away!" Todd was getting upset, yet his words sounded slow and flat.

"Make what go away, sweetheart? Baby, tell me what you're seeing." Viki tried to coax the words out of him.

"A trunk. An old trunk. No! Make it go away! Make it go away! I don't want to go inside it. I won't be able to breathe." Todd started gasping for breath. He sat up and raised his arms over his head and tried to push something off of him.

"Todd, where are you? Tell me where you are?" Susannah prompted.

"I'm inside the trunk. It's locked. I can't push the top up. I can't breathe."

Susannah was afraid he was going to hyperventilate again. "Todd's it's just a memory. It's not happening now. You don't have to relive it. You can just talk about it. How did you get in the trunk?"

"Someone is lifting me and putting me into it. No! NO!"

"Can you see who is putting you into the trunk?" Susannah was hoping he could do this without Peep or Willie coming out.

"Ohhhhh, it hurts."

"What hurts?" Susannah pushed.

"I'm being dragged by my hair down the steps."

"Down the steps to where?" Susannah knew he was close.

"Viki! Viki! Viki!" His arms flailed wildly in the air as he reached out for his sister. Viki sat next to him and took him in her arms. Todd buried his head in Viki's shoulder. "Mama! Mama! Why don't you come and let me out?" Todd was crying.

"Todd, who dragged you down the stairs? It's safe to remember Todd. You are in Viki's arms. Nothing can hurt you. Who dragged you by the hair?" Susannah continued to press.

"I can't see him, only his arms."

Susannah realized this was the way Tom's memories came to him. She wondered if Tom's consciousness was getting closer to Todd's, even though this was not one of Tom's memories. "Todd you can see the arms?" Susannah restated.

"Yes, make them go away! Mama make them go away!" Todd held on to Viki tightly. "They have a suit on and cufflinks. The cufflinks scratch my face. Please, no more!" It was odd to hear Todd's voice so plaintive and yet so void of expression and tone.

"Todd, look up past the arms. Can you see the shoulders?" Todd's breathing was becoming more rapid. "What do the shoulders look like?" Susannah persisted.

"Big. Strong. Mama! Mama!"

Viki held him tighter and looked questioningly at Susannah. She wondered if she should push this so soon after Todd came out of the psychotic episode.

"Todd look past the shoulders. Can you see the neck?" Susannah continued.

Todd was trembling so hard Viki's whole body was shaking along with him. Viki kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back. Todd nodded.

"Todd, that's very good. You're doing great. What does the neck look like?" Susannah kept at it.

"Big. Everything is so big. Like a monster." Viki felt her shoulder getting wet with Todd's tears.

"Okay, Todd, you're almost there. You are being so brave. Now look up past the neck. Look at the face and tell me who is dragging you by you're hair?"

Todd's body was trembling, almost convulsively. Viki mouthed, "Maybe we should stop?"

Susannah shook her head. "Todd, look at the face tell me who is hurting you." Susannah knew how important it was for him to do this.

Todd gasped, startling Viki. He tightened his grip on her. "Sweetheart, it's all right." Viki rocked him.

"Say it Todd. Who do you see? Honey just say it. No one can hurt you now. You're safe." Susannah spoke soothingly.

"My dad," Todd's whisper was barely audible. Susannah closed her eyes and put her hands together. She was so proud of him.

"That's right honey. It was your dad. You got there Todd, you did it." Susannah stroked his head as Viki held him.

Todd was starting to sob uncontrollably. "I didn't mean to be bad. I didn't mean to make noise. I told him that. I said I was sorry. Sometimes I would forget to be quiet and I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I don't want to go to the basement. I'm afraid of the basement. I don't want to be put in the trunk. He leaves me there forever and I can't breathe and the old clothes are so smelly. They smell like damp wool. I can't breathe. Mama can't hear me. No one can hear me. I'm trapped. Oh God! I'm trapped. Why does he do that to me? Why does he hate me so much? I'm his son. I love him so much. Why does he hate me? Why can't I learn to be good and make him love me? I try so hard but I always mess up."

"No, Todd, you didn't mess up. Your dad did. You weren't being bad. Little boys are supposed to make noise and run around and play. That's what little children do." Susannah pointed out.

"No! No! I was bad. I made him do it. I needed to be disciplined so I would become a man. He did it because he was being good to me. He was trying to help me become a man. If he wanted to help me then he must have loved me a little. Just a little." Susannah knew how desperate Todd was for Peter's love. He had to turn the torture into a display of love in his mind. He had to do that to survive. "Oooooh, I'm so scared. I can't breathe. Please! I'm cold. I'm so cold. I'm so scared. No more. Please! Please! No more. I don't want to be here. No more. I'm so cold."

Susannah pulled up some of the blankets and tucked them around him as Viki continued to hold him. "My brave boy," Viki whispered as she continued to rock him. "My beautiful, brave boy. Shhhh, everything is all right, sweetheart. I've got you. Shhhh."

"Todd, you know you are safe here. Feel Viki's arms around you. Viki is protecting you. She won't let anything happen to you. You are very safe."

"I want him."

"Who Todd, who do you want?" Susannah had an idea. She needed him to say it.

"I don't know. I just want him." Todd's tears were increasing.

"Sam, do you want Sam?" Viki asked.

"Not, Sam. Him! Please! Let me go to him. I want him to hold me. It's warm with him. I'm so cold here."

Susannah and Viki exchanged looks. Now Viki too realized Todd was talking about Goodone. He wanted to go inside and be with Goodone. He didn't know it and he did not know how to make himself go away, but that was what he was asking for.

"Todd tell me what those good arms are like? Do they have a name?" Susannah asked gently.

"Please! I don't know. Just let me go."

"Shhhhh, it's all right Todd," Viki stroked back his hair and kissed his forehead. Susannah sat on the bed on the other side of him. Viki still held him tightly.

Susannah took his hand. "Todd, what do the good arms feel like? What do they mean to you?"

"Warm, like the sun. Safe. Love." Todd choked back a sob as he said the last word.

"We'll get you to those arms, Todd. You worked so hard. You deserve to be in those arms. Honey, can you lay back and try to relax?"

Todd tightened his grip on Viki. "Mama," he whispered.

"All right, you don't have to let go of Viki if you don't want to. Can you try to relax? Just let your muscles relax. Come on. Let's start with your toes. Relax your toes," Susannah coaxed. Todd was too afraid to let go.

"It's all right, baby," Viki murmured soothingly. "Doctor Hanen is trying to help you get to those good arms. Shhhhh, try to relax."

Very slowly, Todd was able to relax each muscle group. His eyes became glazed. His breathing more regular. Susannah indicated to Viki that she wanted her to lay him down. Viki gently lowered him to the pillows. He didn't resist.

"Todd it's all right, you can go inside now. You earned it, honey." Todd moaned, softly. "Goodone, help Todd to come inside to you. Come for him. Goodone, come take him to his papa's arms.

They noticed Todd's body relax completely and his eyes and expression became blank. Then his expression changed. He had a look of total love on his face. He held his arms out and they heard Goodone's voice say, "Come to me Todd. Papa loves you." They watched as Todd came back only this time he had a look of peace and contentment on his face. He mouthed the word "Papa." They then saw Todd put his arms around himself and hug himself tightly. He was rocking himself and smiling. They knew he was found the warmth, safety and love of Goodone's arms.

TO BE CONTINUED