SECRETS - PART SIXTY-FOUR
"Blair, I am not promising anything, but I will find out if I can see Todd or the alters. I will go talk to Doctor Hanen. I'll explain your concerns to her and to Viki and Sam. I do trust them and Doctor Hanen. Viki and Sam love Todd as if he were their son. They are not stupid or naive. If Todd weren’t getting the best of care they would be the first to take him out of there. I do agree that I should go see for myself."
"You do that Mrs. Manning. You go see your husband and then you tell me that the hospital is the best place for him." With that, Blair turned on her heels and left Téa's office.
Téa took her wallet out of her purse and once again looked at the well-worn picture of Todd that she carried. The edges were beginning to fray from all the times she took it out and held it. She started to tremble. Téa kissed the face in the picture and put her head down and wept like a baby.
*********************************************************************************************************************************************
Dorian was about to go upstairs for the night when she heard the frantic ringing of the doorbell. The maid had already gone to bed so Dorian went to the door, calling "Who is it?"
"It's Blair, Dorian. Open up!" From the tone of Blair's voice Dorian knew something was wrong. She hurried to open the door. As soon as the door was open Blair rushed in to the entrance hall. "How could you Dorian? How could you have tried to pull something like that?"
"Blair, calm down. What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Todd. How could you have tried to pull a dirty trick like that on him? How could you have gone against my express wishes that way? What is wrong with you Dorian? Don't you have a heart? Don't you have any feelings at all? How would you feel if someone did something like that to Addie?"
Dorian said nothing for a moment. She could not believe Viki had wasted no time in running to Blair with this. And after I went out of my way to help her! This is so like Viki. She's trying to drive a wedge between me and my girls. Dorian thought to herself. "Blair, I'm sure that you were also told that what happened to Timmy was an accident. I wasn't even near him when he fell."
"I'm not saying you pushed him, Dorian! I'm saying that the whole thing wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been there. Isn't Todd suffering enough? He's not doing anything to hurt you or me or Starr. Why in God's name would you want to hurt him?"
"First of all, I never intended to hurt Todd. I was trying to help you and Starr and our family. Have you seen Todd?"
"Yes, I saw him earlier."
"Then you must know he is in no shape to still have custody of Starr?" Dorian reasoned.
"Dorian, Todd's custody is only a formality. He has nothing to do with Starr's life or any of the decisions for it. Todd is not trying to interfere, neither is Viki. They have not once, since Todd's been ill, tired to make any suggestions on my decisions about Starr. Why does it bother you so much that, legally, he is still considered Starr's custodial parent?"
"What if something happens to Todd?"
"Don't even say that Dorian. Todd is not going to die. How can you say something like that?"
"Well, forgive me for being a realist, but Todd is very sick. Not just mentally, he's physically as well. Have you ever thought how fast Viki would swoop down on Starr if something were to happen to Todd?"
"Is that what all this is about, your stupid obsession with Viki? Why on earth would a judge give Starr to Viki when she has a mother?"
"Stranger things have happened, Blair. Who would ever think a judge would give custody of Starr to Todd?"
"Todd is not going to die." I intend to see to that if I have to take him home with me and get him out of there myself."
"Oh, you can't be serious? You would not think of bringing Todd into your home, where your daughter sleeps?"
"Todd would never, never hurt Starr."
"Maybe Todd wouldn't, but what about some of his personalities? Viki said he has twenty that they know of. How do you know one of them won't?"
"I know. Most of them are sweet, frightened children. They would never hurt anyone."
Dorian thought about Timmy for a moment. She was immediately haunted by his huge, frightened, innocent eyes looking up at her. She was almost sorry for what she was thinking, but she would not allow sentiment to color her judgment. I trusted Viki and look what it got me, Dorian thought. "What about any violent alters he may have? Do you know that they would never hurt Starr?" Dorian posed.
"Yes, I do! Do you know why Todd wanted to see me today? Because he was terrified something would happen to Starr. He wanted me to sell the newspaper and run off with her. No matter what shape Todd is in, he would never let anything happen to Starr. You Dorian are a different story."
"Me? Surely you can't think I would ever do anything to hurt that child? I love her with all my heart."
"I don't think you would ever deliberately do anything to hurt her, but then again you didn't deliberately set out to hurt Timmy, but he still got hurt. You set it in motion, Dorian. You always do. It's like when Cassie miscarried. You didn't cause her to fall, but you were still responsible."
"How dare you bring that up? You know I would never hurt Cassie."
"I know you never meant to, but she still got hurt. You never mean to hurt annoyed, but they still get hurt. If there is anyone I would think to keep Starr away from it would be you, Dorian, not Todd."
"Blair, you can't mean that?"
"Oh, I mean it. Stay away from Todd, Dorian. Stay away from Todd and from Viki. They are all suffering enough. Just leave them alone."
"I don't suppose Viki told you how much help I was to her and how I found what she was desperately looking for?"
"Yes, she told me. By the way, it was Sam who told me about you causing Todd to fall, not Viki."
In Dorian's mind it was one and the same. She knew that somehow Viki was responsible. Blair picked up her bag and started to leave. "Blair, wait. You can't leave it like this."
"I said what I came to say. Stay away from Todd, Dorian. I swear. If you hurt him or any of the alters in any way, you will never see Starr again. I wouldn't want her near anyone who would hurt her father."
Dorian was stunned. She could not believe that Blair would speak to her that way, or that she would stand up for Todd like that after all the ways he hurt her. She knew that Viki had to be behind this. She must have gotten to Blair in some way. Todd was far to ill to be causing trouble and Sam and Doctor Hanen had no grudge against her. It had to be Viki. Whatever compassion Dorian had been feeling for Viki had walked out the door with Blair.
Viki was sleeping on the reclining chair next to Todd's bed. Sam was sleeping in the lounge. Viki heard Todd thrashing about, apparently having a nightmare. She looked at her watch. It was nearly four in the morning. Dave heard Todd from his post at the door and was at his side before Viki even had a chance to call him.
"Wake up Todd. It's Dave. Come on, buddy. You're having a nightmare." Todd continued to thrash and cry out.
Viki tried. "Todd, wake up sweetheart. Baby, it's Viki. You're having a bad dream. Come on sweetheart, wake up."
Todd shot up to a sitting position. He was covered in perspiration and gasping for breath. He started to cry out, "No! Not the basement. No! I don't want to stay down there. Noooo! Mama! Mama! No, that's a lie. She is coming back. MAMA! . . . IT'S DARK! . . . DADDY PLEASE! . . . NO MORE DARK! . . . LET ME OUT! . . .LET ME OUUUUT!"
Viki could not wake him up. Connie, Carl and Marcia had joined Dave. "Todd! TODD! You need to wake up now. Come on, honey. It's just a dream. Wake up. You're safe. Wake up. Todd! Wake up!" Connie called out. She brushed back the damp hair that clung to his cheeks as she lightly tapped them.
Todd's eyes opened. "I can't breathe," he whimpered. "I can't breathe!"
"Todd, it's Connie. Viki is here and Dave, Carl and Marcia are here. Everything's going to be okay. Try to slow down you're breathing. Relax, and slow down your breathing."
"I can't. I can't breathe. Viki! Viki!" Todd gasped.
"I'm right hear, baby. Try to do what Connie said, try to slow your breathing," Viki took Todd's right hand.
"Todd are you having any chest pains or nausea?" Connie assessed him for any cardiac problems.
"My heart is pounding real fast. I can't feel my fingers and my mouth feels numb. Please, I can't breathe. There's no air here. Let me out. LET ME OUT!" Todd gasped.
"Let you out of where Todd? Where do you think you are?" Dave probed.
"I don't know. I can't breathe. HELP ME! I CAN'T BREATHE!"
"Todd, I'm going to take your pulse and your blood pressure. You know neither of those things hurt," Connie said, taking his wrist.
"Todd, I'm going to put the blood pressure cuff around your right arm. Try to relax," Marcia informed him.
Todd breathing was becoming worse. "I can't feel my hands," Todd was barely able to whisper.
"Todd, were going to help you to sit all the way up. I need to listen to your lungs. Dave, will you help me please?" Connie asked. Dave held Todd in a sitting position while Connie checked him out. Reassured that he wasn't having any cardiac problems, Connie told him, "Todd, you are having an anxiety attack. You have to slow your breathing down."
"Can someone get Sam? Maybe we should call Susannah?" Viki was getting frightened for him. Marcia went to tell Maggie, one of the other nurses, to have someone get Sam and call Susannah.
"Todd, Sam will be here in a few minutes and we are calling Doctor Hanen. Todd can you hold one of your nostrils closed and only breath through the other?"
Todd sat paralyzed with fear. He couldn't move. Connie placed her finger on the side of his nose. Todd pulled his head away from her. Dave gently held Todd's head still.
"Noooo!" Todd cried out when he felt Dave's touch. He breathing was getting worse.
"Sam and Susannah are on their way," Marcia informed then.
"Marcia, can you please get a paper bag." Marcia rushed out for it.
"Todd, I'm going to give you a paper bag to breathe into. The problem is you are breathing out too much carbon dioxide. If you breathe into a bag you will get some of it back and you will start to feel better. I want you to try to slow down your breathing," Connie repeated.
"Viki," Todd whispered, weakly.
"I'm right here, baby. Listen to Connie. Sweetheart, try to slow your breathing."
"I can't. I can't. I'm suffocating in here. There's no air. It's dark. Ohhhhh," Todd whimpered.
Maria came rushing in with the bag. "Todd I'm going to hold a paper bag over your nose and mouth. I want you to breathe slowly. Just let your breath come easy."
Connie placed the bag on his face. Todd tried to push it away. Carl carefully held down Todd's left arm. Viki held onto his right one. "No! Sweetheart don't. Let Connie help you."
Sam came running into the room. "I'm here Boomer. It's Sam. Everything's going to be all right. Do what Connie tells you to do."
"Sam, I can't breathe." Todd's breathing seemed to be slowing down a little. Connie continued to hold the bag in place as Viki and Carl held his hands away from his face.
"Susannah is on her way," Maggie stuck her head in the door and announced.
"Okay, pal. Doctor Hanen will be here soon. Try to relax."
"I don't like it here, Sam. Please! Let me out."
"He's been saying that since he woke up," Viki whispered to Sam.
"Todd, where are you? Where do you want us to let you out from?" Sam tried.
"I don't know." Todd started crying. "There is stuff around me. I can't breathe. I'm going to die in here. There's too much stuff on me." Todd's panic was increasing again. "No! No! Don't shut it. Don't shut it. It's too dark." Todd pulled his right hand away from Viki. He didn't reach for the bag. He reached over his head. Carl let go of his left arm to see what Todd was trying to do. Todd seemed to be trying to push something he thought was on top of him or covering him off.
"Todd, you're in your own bed in the hospital. Nothing here will hurt you." Carl assured him.
"I'm locked away. I can't say. He'll yell if I tell. Don't yell. Don't yell."
Sam recognized the child's voice as one he heard earlier. "Willie, where are you? Where are you locked away?" Sam asked. He looked at Viki.
"We'll drown. Look! The water's coming down. WE'LL DROWN! WE'LL DROWN! No air. No air there. No air there. No air there." He was short of breath, as Todd's panic attack had not fully subsided.
"Willie, I'm going to put this back on your face. It's just a plain paper bag. It won't hurt you. It will help you breathe." Connie placed the bag on Willie's face.
"Can't breathe good, like I should. He went away to make me pay."
"Try not to make him speak too much until his breathing slows down," Connie instructed.
"Hold me. You see. I'm real cold. Hold. Hold!" Willie begged. He looked at Sam with frightened pleading eyes.
Sam sat down next to him and put his arm around him as Connie continued to hold the bag on Willie's face. "I've got you," Sam spoke soothingly. He held him tightly.
Susannah got lucky and didn't hit any red lights all the way over. She made it in record time. They were all relieved to see her. "Willie is out. His breathing is starting to come back a little," Connie whispered to her.
"Hello Willie. Do you remember me?" He nodded.
"She said not to speak, not even a squeak. No squeak, no speak."
"I think we can take the bag away," Susannah told Connie. "Willie, are you able to breathe okay?" Susannah asked. He nodded again. "Do your fingers or mouth feel funny?" Susannah assessed his condition.
"Not sunny, not funny. Not sunny. It's dark. It's not the park. It's dark. It's dark. It's dark. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK. IT'S DARK." He shrieked. His anxiety was escalating by the second.
"Willie, you need to calm down. It's not dark in here. You are in a hospital room. It's very light. Look around." Susannah tried to orient him and calm him down.
Willie stopped screaming and looked around. "You're right. It's light. I like light. Light is right. He started to look frightened again. He pulled away from Sam and got on his knees and started rocking. "Look! Water, through the door. On the floor. Too much water. Too much water. TOO MUCH WATER. LOOK! LOOK! BY THE DOOR. ON THE FLOOR. NO MORE. NO MORE! NO MORE! NO MORE! Ohhhhh, we'll drown. It's coming down. Ohhhhh, it's coming down. We'll drown." He was now sobbing uncontrollably.
Susannah knew he was hallucinating water flowing in from somewhere. He seemed to be obsessed with it. She was also concerned by how psychotic this one was. "Willie, you need to calm down. I know you see water. I don't see any. If there is any water we'll wipe it up. It won't hurt you. No one is going to drown. It's safe. You need to calm down."
"IT'S DARK IN THE PARK. WATER'S ON THE FLOOR! HE'S MAD. BOY'S BAD. MAD CAUSE HE'S BAD. BAD CAUSE HE'S MAD. NO MORE. NO MORE! TOO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOR!" His screaming was getting louder. Susannah knew he would not be able to calm down by himself. She gave Connie an order for a sedative. Sam started to put his arm around him again. "DON'T HOLD. YOU SCOLD. YOU'RE MAD. I'M BAD. I'M BAD. OHHHH, TOO MUCH WATER ON THE FLOOR! BY THE DOOR. BY THE DOOR AND THE FLOOR AND THE DOOR! OHHHH!" He screamed and pulled away from Sam. When he saw Connie come in with a syringe. He tried to get off the bed. Carl, Dave, Marcia and Susannah were able to immobilize him without any additional staff. "NO SHOT! NO SHOT! NOT. NOOOOOT! LET GO! LET GO! NO! NOOOOOO! I'M NOT SICK. DON'T STICK. I'M NOT SICK."
"Willie, this won't hurt. It's not going to stick you hon. It goes in the IV that's in your hand. You won't feel it." Connie spoke soothingly.
"NO STICK! NOT SICK!" he continued to shout, seemingly unable to hear her. Connie quickly injected the medication into his IV. They held him securely as he continued to scream about the shot and continued to hallucinate and scream about the water.
The sedative took effect quickly. They felt Willie's muscles relaxing as they held him. His screams turned to whimpers. Finally, his eyes closed and his body went limp. Connie took his vitals. They were within his normal range, including his respiration. Susannah told Carl and Dave to wash him down and put fresh, dry pajamas on him. He was soaked in sweat. Connie noticed it was time for one of Todd's round-the-clock feedings. She went to get the supplement.
Now that their attention wasn't directed at Todd, Sam and Susannah noticed Viki sitting in a corner chair. Her hand was covering her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks. Susannah and Sam exchanged looks. Susannah approached Viki and put her hand on Viki's shoulder. "Viki, he's all right. No harm was done."
"Just a few hours ago I felt so hopeful. Todd actually had a breakthrough of sorts. It was small, but to us it seemed like a miracle."
"Yes, Todd did Todd did have a breakthrough and what happened here in no way minimizes that. You know it is Todd's pattern to take twenty steps backwards for every step forward. That does not negate the fact that he was able to see one of his alters. Yes, he was in a trance state, but that's okay, it is still very important, as was the fact that he recalled some abuse. He admitted to us and to himself that his father did it to him. Viki, that was so important. I feel very encouraged by that and nothing that happened here changes that. Do you remember what was Todd was saying right before he switched?"
"He was screaming and crying about being locked away somewhere. He said it was dark and there was all this stuff around him and he couldn't breathe," Viki answered.
"The storage shed?" Susannah guessed.
"I don't think so," Sam disagreed. "He seemed to be trying to lift something off of him or lift or push up something that was over his head. I just get the feeling it is someplace other than the shed."
"Dear Lord! How many different ways did Peter have of torturing that child?" Anger was replacing the tears in Viki's blue eyes.
"This alter, Willie, he seems to be having constant hallucinations," Sam stated.
"I will, Viki, but as I explained to you, Zyprexa has a much lower potential for side effects. There are much less extrapyramidal symptoms with it. Statistically, it is something like one to three percent. You don't have to think about it now. I promise I won't consider it unless I feel there is absolutely no other choice,"
"Do you think there is a connection between Todd having a full blown psychotic episode and all these new alters being psychotic too?" Sam inquired.
"Yes, exactly what that connection is, I'm not sure of at this point."
"Do you have any theories?" Viki pressed.
"I'm starting to think that these alters hold memories of traumas that are a lot closer to Todd's conscious memories than most of the other traumas. As severe as these seem, they might not have been as traumatic as the memories that Timmy and Tom all the others that we've known about for a while experienced. While these incidents might have been highly traumatic to most children. Todd's threshold for suffering was a lot higher. In his life these incidences of torture, compared to others, may not have been as traumatic in some ways. I do think they were traumatic enough to cause a psychosis to develop. In a sense these alters were only able to cope with what was happening to them by totally escaping reality. It is possible that their brain chemistry could have been altered. This is all just a theory at this point. I need to see if I can get at those memories. After what happened with Bad Boy, I have a feeling that I can get Todd to hook into Willie's memories, when the time is right. Four-thirty in the morning and an hysterical alter, was not the right time," Susannah said, smiling sadly. She then added, "it's almost dawn. I'm here for the day. Why don't I sit with him and you two can go to the lounge and get some sleep? Todd shouldn't wake up till noon or later. I promise to get you immediately if there is any change."
Sam and Viki looked at each other. They were both too exhausted to refuse the offer. "Thank you, for coming out in the middle of the night, again, and for everything," Viki hugged Susannah.
"Yeah," Sam said, nodding his head, "Thank you."
They kissed Todd goodnight and headed for the lounge just as Connie came in with Todd's nutritional supplement. They said goodnight to her and left. Susannah sat in the reclining chair. "Susannah, you look tired, why don't you let me sit with Todd and you can go to your office. I'll be here feeding him for the next hour anyway," Connie offered.
"Thank you Connie, but I'm fine. I'll just catch a nap here if I need one. If I do fall asleep, I would appreciate you staying in the room and keeping an eye on him."
"Sure, no problem," Connie responded. She started the feeding.
Viki was the first to come back to Todd's room at eight forty-five. Susannah was dozing in the lounge chair next to Todd's bed. Terry had come on duty and was giving Todd one of his morning feedings. He was still sound asleep. Viki whispered good morning to Terry, as to not wake Susannah. "How is he?" she asked Terry.
"He's doing all right. His vitals are okay, and he's been sleeping peacefully. I saw that he had a pretty bad night, but that he also made some excellent progress earlier in the day," Terry whispered. She was smiling. She was so happy that Todd had actually not only remembered something, but that he had made a connection to his inner system.
"Yes, he actually saw one of the latest alters to come out, Bad Boy. He also remembered his father making him stand absolutely still for hours because he took a soda without permission and then he remembered Peter burning his hand in the fireplace because he rested it on his shoulder when he felt faint." Viki's voice was a mixture of pride in Todd and rage at Peter.
Terry put her hand on Viki's arm. "I see that he did not dissociate right after he remembered. That is very good."
"He was very upset. He didn't want the memory. He wanted to make it go away," Viki whispered.
"That's okay, it's normal that he would feel that way. What's important is that he stayed Todd. He had enough inner strength to stay Todd," Terry replied.
"So, you do agree that it is encouraging?" Viki asked hopefully.
"Oh yes, absolutely. I think that was a big step for Todd."
"As Susannah pointed out, Todd's pattern is usually to take twenty steps back for every one forward," Viki smiled.
"Todd was abused for many, many years. It is not unusual for it to take a long time for there to be any progress," Terry commented. They heard Susannah stir.
"Sorry, did we wake you?" Viki apologized.
Susannah looked at Todd and then at her watch. "Wow, I've been asleep for almost three hours," Susannah confirmed, shaking her head.
"I usually find I'm able to sleep better when I'm right next to him, making sure he's safe, too," Viki confessed.
"How's he doing?" Susannah asked Terry.
"He's doing fine. His seven-thirty vitals were good and he has almost finished his eight o'clock feeding. He hasn't stirred."
Susannah stood up and stretched. "Where's Sam?"
"He went home to shower, change and check the mail. He also wants to buy another toy fire engine, in case Bad Boy comes back. He wasn't sure how Thomas would feel about sharing," Viki informed her.
Susannah smiled. "I think Bad Boy will really like that if he comes back." She felt the vibration of her beeper going off. The number had an unfamiliar area code. "Viki, do you know what state has a 202 area code?"
"Yes, that Washington D. C." Susannah knew it had to be Bill. She checked Todd's eyes and listened to his heart. "It's probably Bill. I'll call him from my office. Todd should be still be out for a while."
Viki smiled and said, "Tell Bill hello from Sam and me." She was happy to see how Susannah's face lit up when Viki told her it was a Washington area code.