"Hi there," Bill said, when he heard Susannah's voice. "I tried you at your place, but you had already gone. I didn't want to call you on your cell phone because I was afraid the ringing might disturb Todd."

Susannah appreciated his thoughtfulness. "I've been here since about four this morning. Todd had a nightmare and that led to a full-blown panic attack. We have some new little boys here," Susannah informed him. She then went on to fill him in on the latest developments. Bill could here the excitement in Susannah's voice when she told him about Todd not only having a memory, but being able to "see" one of his alters and being able to talk about it. Bill was very happy for her and for Todd's family. Susannah did caution him that it may not lead to anymore progress for some time, but she did feel encouraged. She then asked him how he was and how things were going.

"My friend is going to put the Baker's name through the computer and see what turns up. He also has to be in Chicago on business in a couple of weeks and he will try to do some digging there. It's a pretty cold trail after fifteen years, although not impossible. He's good. If anyone can find out something he can. Besides, having an FBI agent show up to interview them may shake a few memories loose. I should be back in Llanview tomorrow. Then I need to go back to Chicago for a few days to see my kids. Bill did not want to mention that he was planning on asking for a short leave of absence from his job. He not only wanted more time in Llanview. He wanted to avoid having any meetings with the DA."

As they have been all along, Susannah's feelings were mixed about getting closer to finding Michelle's parents. She knew it was necessary, however it was also something that would bring Todd's case into the open. Susannah also had mixed feelings about Bill going back to Chicago. She was happy that he was going see his children. She was sad because she knew she would miss him.

"So, if all is well, where do you plan on taking me for my homecoming dinner tomorrow?" Bill asked.

Susannah laughed, loving that Bill referred to coming back to Llanview as "homecoming. As usual, Susannah felt some slight panic because she loved hearing it. "Oh, I don't know. Let's see . . . we've never done Llanview Mexican style."

"I hope that doesn't mean you're taking me to Taco Bell?" Bill kidded.

Susannah could hear him smiling over the phone. "I think we could do a little better than that," she joked back.

"Oh, before I forget, any toys are all right for the little ones, as long as there are no sharp edges or points, right?"

Susannah was touched that Bill was planning on bringing the alters back some presents. "If you're asking if a replica of the Washington Monument is a good idea? I would have to say no," Susannah laughed.

"No, I'm bringing that one to my kids, they're pretty indestructible," Bill laughed back.

Then seriously, Susannah said, "I think some picture books or puzzles of the area might be a good idea. Andy likes anything with dinosaurs. Although I don't think you'd find to many of those in Washington souvenir shops."

"No, only in the Supreme Court," Bill joked and added, "I should be back around five or six tomorrow evening. I'll drop my bags off at the hotel and come to your office. How's that?"

"That's great, and if we're not in some kind of crisis around here, you can get to sample some more of Llanview's fine cuisine."

"I have to tell you Doctor Hanen. So far I have really liked what Llanview has to offer."

"Well, there's a lot to be said for Chicago too," Susannah answered with a smile on her face that Bill was imagining on his end.

"Bill, Sam and Viki said to say hello. They want me to thank you again for what you're doing."

"You tell them hello back and tell them there is no need to thank me. I'm just doing my job."

Susannah knew this was way beyond a job for Bill. She knew that like her, Bill wanted to do everything he could think of to help Todd. They said good-bye and hung up. Susannah was catching up on some paper work when she her secretary buzzed her. "Téa Delgado would like to see you."

"Please send her in," a surprised Susannah replied.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first. I was afraid I would lose my nerve if I didn't come here first thing," Tea confessed as soon as she entered Susannah's office.

"That's all right. You can see me any time you wish, as long as you don't pay any surprise visits to Todd."

"I wouldn't do that." Téa hesitated for a moment. "I do want to see him," Téa admitted. Téa looked at Susannah and saw she was surprised by what she had just said. "Blair came to see me last night. She was very upset over Todd's condition." Téa explained Blair's concerns to Susannah.

"Téa, I can't say that Blair was getting upset for nothing because that wouldn't be true. Todd is not in very good shape. He has deteriorated, physically, quite a bit since you last saw him. He also was not doing to well as far as any progress goes. However, I do have some positive news." Susannah told Té a about Todd seeing Bad Boy and remembering an incident of abuse.

"Th-that's very encouraging, isn't it?" Téa was afraid to make too much of it.

"It is certainly good news. It's the first step forward Todd has taken in a long time," Susannah confirmed.

"Then Blair was wrong. Todd isn't just getting worse here?"

"Téa, I won't lie to you. Blair had plenty of reason to be concerned. When she saw Todd he was experiencing a psychotic episode. That is very serious. It is also something that hadn't happened to him before and it does worry me, as does the emergence of alters who also exhibit psychotic behavior."

Téa wanted the truth. Nevertheless, she did not want what little hope she was feeling to vanish. "You said he had the memory after the psychotic episode, right?"

"Yes," Susannah confirmed.

"Then maybe he's over it? Maybe it was just a one time thing?"

Susannah knew Téa desperately wanted to believe that. She had to be honest with her.

"That is a possibility, but to be honest, I don't think so. I do think there is a connection with these alters and Todd's episode. I think their memories are a lot closer to Todd than those of the others. I haven't figured out in what way they would trigger a psychosis. As I get more information from them, or from Todd, I should know more."

"Blair mentioned that you wanted to give Todd an antipsychotic medication that is very dangerous."

"Well, I wouldn't say dangerous. There are a lot less serious side effects with Zyprexa. Unfortunately, it has the potential for some." Susannah gave Tea the same information she had given to Sam and Viki and assured her that it would only be given to Todd as a last resort.

"You said he has deteriorated physically. Why is that? I mean he is here in the hospital. Isn't that supposed to be prevented?" Téa tried not to sound too offensive.

"We are doing all we can to maintain Todd physically. Unfortunately, sometimes when someone gets sick one thing leads to another. Most of Todd's problems stems from the severe depression he and some of the alters are in. It's causing anorexia. Food may also be a control issue for Todd. It's the one aspect of his life he can control. Anorexia is not unusual in DID or in depression. The pneumonia weakened Todd. We intervened, but it still led to all kinds of problems. Todd has also had several cardiac arrests, the first before he ever came to the hospital, when Pete punched his hand through the windshield of your car and then Todd crashed it into a tree. His heart is not severely damaged. It does not pump as efficiently as it did. He is in kind of a Catch 22 situation. He is so weak that he can't walk or get around much. Not being able to get around much has further weakened him. Also, Todd's blindness has made things so much worse for him. I am not so sure it that hasn't in some way contributed to his psychosis. Todd and many of the alters have expressed a fear of the dark. This adds to the sense of disorientation, confusion, isolation and helplessness Todd is feeling. The blindness has shut him away even further in this horrible world he has forced himself into."

"I don't understand, Todd became blind when you started to bring up what happened with Michelle. You said that after the lodge the memories might have been closer to the surface and he used that as a way not to see them and to punish himself. You don't force him to talk about Michelle anymore. Why is he still blind?" Téa wanted to understand.

"I haven't been talking about Michelle any more because Todd has either not been around or has been too sick or too resistant for therapy. In addition to that, I don't push it because we are still trying to find out where Todd stands, legally. If Todd gives us some real evidence or proof of Michelle's murder, things may get taken out of our control. Commissioner Jackson is trying to find some way of proving that it was Peter who killed Michelle and not Todd."

"Yes, I know. Sam filled me in on that. Todd has stayed blind for months now. Why is he torturing himself like that?"

"Téa, you just said why, or at least one of the reasons I believe he stays this way. It is to torture himself. Todd believes he deserves to be punished."

"Blair told me that Todd is feeling guilty over the things that happened to Marty and some of the other people who were hurt, even me," Téa added sadly.

"Yes, Todd is feeling guilty about all the people that he knows were hurt. His need for self-punishment goes deeper than that. It was ingrained in Todd's mind from he time he was a baby that he deserves to be punished. Todd does not refer to what his father did to him as abuse. He calls it discipline. Peter made Todd and most of the alters believe they were so bad that what he was doing to them was necessary. Todd, to this day, desperately wants his father's love."

"How could he want the love of someone who treated him so badly, who showed him nothing but hatred and who caused him so much pain?" Tears formed in Téa's eyes.

"Children need someone to cling to. Peter was all Todd had once his mother left. Even before that her drinking and depression kept her from really being available to him. So often children who are severely abused continue to perpetuate the abuse done to them. They reenact it over and over again. They cause others to treat them the way the abuser did."

"You mean like Todd doing things to cause every woman he has ever loved to leave him?" Téa wanted to know if that is what Todd had done with her.

"Yes, he has recreated what his mother did to him."

"But why? Why would he do that when it hurts him so much?" Téa couldn't understand.

There may be several reasons. One may be what we have already discussed. Todd feels he needs to be punished. He doesn't feel he deserves anyone to love him, so he pushes those who love him away. Also, he may be pushing the people he loves away from him as if he is daring them to go. He is testing those who say they love him. He wants someone to say, 'no matter what you do or how bad you act I will not leave you. I will stay and love you, unconditionally.'"

Téa looked at her hands and nervously played with her wedding ring. "I guess I didn't do that for him? I tried. Eventually I walked out on him just like everyone else. I didn't love him 'no matter what.'"

"I'm not so sure about that, Téa. You are still married to Todd, even though under the circumstances you could easily get a divorce. You are trying in every way you know to help prove he didn't kill Michelle. You are concerned enough to come here. You are willing to do just about anything to help him, even if it's not what you want, like staying away from him. You still wear your wedding ring and you have put your life on hold," Susannah stated bluntly. "Téa, that sounds like love to me. And after everything you went through with Todd, it sounds pretty unconditional."

Téa's eyes searched Susannah's for a moment and then her tears started to flow uncontrollably. Susannah held her and stroked her head. "Doctor Hanen, you don't understand. Oh God! I'm so ashamed. Yes, I want to see Todd. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything, but the Todd I want to see is not the one in that room down the hall. It is not even any of those sweet children. I want my husband. I want the man who could make me come alive the way Todd did. Say what you will about him, there was never a dull moment," Tea admitted as she lifted her head from Susannah's shoulder and wiped her eyes. She allowed a little smile to form on her lips. "Doctor Hanen, I understand I can't have the Todd I want back right now. What I am afraid of is that I will never get him back. What if one of the children, or God forbid Pete or an alter like him, stays out forever. Will Todd just disappear?"

"Téa, that is very unlikely. Sooner or later Todd resurfaces. He wants to. Yes, sometimes I am able to get him back through hypnosis or just by calling him to the front. Most of the time he comes back on his own. He may feel that he doesn't want to be here and he may also wish that he hadn't of come back, but his coming back spontaneously tells me that he wants to be here. He wants to try. Don't lose hope Téa. Todd is trying. It may not seem like it, but I have never seen anyone try harder."

Téa knew that Blair was wrong. Taking Todd out of the hospital and away from Doctor Hanen would not be what was best for him, not at all. She realized that in this case Blair genuinely wanted to do what she thought was best for Todd. While Téa did have some compassion for Blair's feelings, she knew she had to make it clear to her that she was not to interfere in Todd's treatment.

Sam had come back and he and Viki were watching the noon news on the television they had asked Frank to bring into Todd's room. They heard a low groan. They recognized Tom's voice.

"Hi Boomer, it's Sam. Viki and I are right here with you."

"Coach, how come my hand and arm hurt?" Tom asked groggily. He looked around.

"Todd's body got hurt because Timmy fell down," Sam explained.

"Poor Timmy. I'll draw him a picture and maybe I can play with him later and try to make him feel better."

"That is very sweet of you Tom," Viki praised and then asked him, "Does your wrist hurt a lot?"

"No, but it hurts. That's okay. I'm seven and Timmy's only four. I'll let it hurt me. Viki, I'm thirsty. Can I have some chocolate milk? Please!"

"Oh sweetheart, of course you can. I'll get it for you right away." Viki was thrilled that he asked for it.

"Would you like something to eat with it? We can get you some pizza or spaghetti or anything else you like." Sam tried to tempt him.

Tom curled up his nose at the suggestion of any of that.

"Then how about some cookies? There are Oreos, animal crackers and peanut butter cookies," Viki tried to coax him.

Tom brightened up a little. "Oreos. I like Oreos."

Viki looked at Sam. Neither of them ever dreamed that a simple thing like a child asking for cookies and milk would make them so happy. "Tom, I will be right back with your chocolate milk and cookies," Viki promised. She stroked his cheek before she left.

"Coach, can I get out of bed?"

"I'm not sure, Boomer. I'll let Doctor Hanen know you're here and that you want to try to get up, okay."

Tom nodded. He saw the TV in the room. "Can I watch cartoons?"

"Sure you can, Boomer." Sam was hoping it wasn't his imagination that Tom seemed more alert and calmer than he had been in recent times. That he asked for chocolate milk and took some interest in the cookies also seemed encouraging.

Viki saw Téa and Susannah walking down the hall together. She was surprised to see Téa there. She walked up to them and hugged Téa. "You're a surprise. Did you come to see Susannah, Sam or me?"

"All of you really," Téa answered and told Viki about Blair's visit.

"I know Blair left here very upset. Todd was in a bad way when she saw him. I can understand her panicking. She is terrified for him," Viki stated.

"Blair isn't going to like it when I tell her that I agree that Todd should stay here," Téa admitted.

"I know that," Viki agreed. "We will just have to get her to understand."

"Viki, you do know that it doesn't really matter what Blair wants. She has no legal right to make any decisions for Todd." Téa wanted to make sure Viki realized that.

"Yes, I know. Honey, she does care about him and she is Starr's mother. That gives her some right to at least have an opinion."

Téa wished that Viki didn't feel that way. She did not want Blair to be involved in Todd's life.

"I do have some more good news," Viki said to both Téa and Susannah. "Tom is out and not only is he calm, he want cookies and chocolate milk."

"That isgood news," Susannah agreed.

"Do you think I could . . . well, that I should see him?" Téa asked timidly.

"Why don't we let him have his snack first and let me examine him and then I will ask him if he wants to see you. Is that all right? Do you have the time to wait?" Susannah asked.

"Of course I do. I'll go get a cup of coffee and I will come back in about a half an hour. Do you think that is enough time?"

"Téa, that would be great, thank you," Susannah replied.

Susannah went to see Tom while Viki got his snack. He was happy to see her and turned his attention away from the TV. "Hi, honey. It's nice to see you. How are you feeling?"

"My hand and arm hurt cause Todd's body got hurt."

"I know. Does it hurt a lot?"

"No. Can I get up? I want to go to the art room and paint a picture for Timmy cause he fell down."

"Tom, I’m not sure if you can make it to the art room, but we can try." Susannah answered and stroked his head.

Viki came in with his milk and cookies. "Can we try now?" Tom was eager. He started to swing his legs off the bed.

"Why don't you have your snack first and then we will get you to the chair. Then we'll try for the art room? Okay honey?"

"Okay, Tom agreed. "Is it still Christmas? My dad don't want me to help with the tree. He says I do a lousy job and make the tree look like . . . I don't want to say that word cause my mom don't like me to. Is my dad in the living room putting up the tree?"

They realized he was disoriented to time and place. "Tom, tell me where you are?"

My room in the hospital."

"That's right. Do you remember where the hospital is?"

Tom thought for a minute and then looked confused. "Don't get mad at me," he begged

"Honey, we're not mad at you. It's all right. You're just a little confused.

Tom looked at his left wrist. He saw the compression bandage. "Where's my watch? Where's my watch!" He was starting to panic.

"Here, Boomer. It's right here," Sam reached into the night table draw. He handed Tom his watch.

Tom looked at it. He pressed the button and heard the time and date. He sighed with relief. "It's not Christmas, that's good. I don't like it except at Viki's. I remember!" Tom exclaimed. He turned to Viki and Sam. "Me and Timmy got to come home for Christmas and you let us decorate the tree by ourselves and you liked the way we did it and we were real good and I helped with Timmy and Santa thought we were good and got us lots of presents. I remember good. Right? That wasn't a dream?"

"No, sweetheart. That wasn't a dream. We loved the way you and Timmy decorated the tree and we were so happy that you were both there with us. Santa loves both of you and he thinks you are very, very good boys." Viki reminded him. She sat next to him and hugged him.

"Coach, can you put my watch on my right hand for me?"

Sam took it and fastened it for him. "Tom, why don't you eat your snack and then we'll go to the chair, okay?" Susannah suggested. Tom nodded and took a cookie. He finished the milk and had three Oreos. Wiping the milk mustache from above his lip with the back of his hand, he announced, "All done. Can I go to the art room now?"

"We'll try," Susannah agreed. She decided to broach the subject of Téa. "Tom there is something I want to ask you. Would you like to have a visit with Téa?"

"TÉA! I love Téa. Téa's gonna come to see me?"

Susannah grinned at his response. "Yes, honey. She would like to. She's here in the hospital and can be here very soon."

"I can show her my watch . . . she can help me paint a picture for Timmy . . . and we can do a puzzle . . . and play some games . . . and. . . ."

"Hold it there, Boomer," Sam laughed. "You're going to wear Téa out."

"No Coach, Téa likes to have fun. I thought she was mad at me because she never comes to see me, but maybe she was just mad at Todd."

They didn't know Tom felt that way. They wondered how many other fears and concerns the alters kept to themselves. "Tom, Téa isn't angry with you or Todd. Honey, it's just that Todd gets kind of upset when Téa comes because he doesn't want her to see him sick. Téa stayed away so she wouldn't upset Todd if he came out," Susannah explained.

Tom looked like he was looking for something. "I don't see Todd. I think he's hiding. It's okay for Téa to visit."

Susannah smiled. "Why don't we get you out of bed and get your warm robe on and see if we can get to the chair? By then Téa should be back," Susannah suggested and started to take the bag of cookies and the empty cup off of the table.

"No wait," Tom called out. He reached in for a handful of Oreos. "I want to give some to Téa." He handed them to Viki and asked, "Can you hold them for me until Téa gets here?"

"Of course, baby. I'll get a plate for them and bring them right back." She kissed the top of Tom's head. "You are such a good boy. I love you very, very much."

Tom smiled and hugged her. "I love you too. I'm real glad you're my sister."

"So am I, sweetheart. So am I." Viki went to get the plate. She was really happy that Téa chose today to come to the hospital. She hoped with all her heart that she and Tom would have a nice visit without incident.

TO BE CONTINUED

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