SECRETS - PART SIXTY-THREE B
It was still Todd who woke up the next morning. He was a little calmer, no doubt thanks to the residual amount of sedation still in his system. He was still delusional. He pulled away from both Sam and Viki's touch. They could see by the way he was nodding, shaking his head and whispering that he was still hearing voices.
Susannah came in early and headed straight for Todd's room. She was as upset as Sam and Viki to see that Todd was still in the throes of a psychotic episode. Terry, accompanied by Frank and Jeff came in to give Todd a feeding. "No! What are you doing! Get away from me!" Todd cried out. He was starting to panic. He weakly tired to push her hand away as he felt it touch his cheek.
"Relax pal, you have to be fed. You know this doesn't hurt," Sam spoke soothingly. Frank and Jeff held down Todd's arms. Jeff was careful of how he held Todd's injured left arm. Todd tried to kick out. He was too weak to even raise his legs. No one was needed to hold them down.
"No, I don't want it. Tell her to go away," Todd begged.
"Sweetheart, you've have been fed this way for a while now. It's all right. Terry will be very gentle," Viki was afraid that this was going to end up with Todd being restrained.
Todd stayed perfectly still and his eyes focused as if he were seeing something. Like he did yesterday, he reached out and stroked something. Terry proceeded with the feeding. Now, Todd seemed oblivious to it.
"Todd, can you tell me what you're seeing?" Susannah asked.
"The horse is supposed to be in the stable, but he's standing by the table." They knew from the childlike sound to his voice and the rhyming that the alter who came out yesterday was back again.
Hi, my name is Doctor Susannah Hanen. Can you tell me who you are?"
"Silly, silly, silly, my name is Willie," he replied as he continued to stroke the horse that he saw.
"Hello Willie. Can you tell me how old you are?"
"Nine. I crossed the line. I crossed the line."
"Willie, can you tell me why you speak in rhymes?" Susannah probed.
"No! No! Put the horse in the stable. I'm not able. I'm not able. I'M NOT ABLE!" He was getting agitated.
"All right, Willie. We'll put the horse in the stable." Susannah stood in Willie's line of vision, between him and "the horse".
"The horse needs hay to eat. An apple's a treat. It's sweet. It's sweet."
"All right, we'll give the horse an apple," Susannah promised.
"Good. You should. The horse is nice. Twice as nice." Willie giggled at the last thing he said. All of a sudden Willie looked past Susannah towards the other side of the room. She could see something was frightening him. "Too much water. Too much water. The sheep makes wool the tub's too full. Make it stop. Pop. Pop. NO! MAKE THE WATER STOP COMING DOWN. WE'LL DROWN. WE'LL DROWN! STOP! STOP! TOO MUCH WATER. THE TUB IS FULL THE SHEEP MAKES WOOL! STOP! STOP!" Willie was getting out of control.
Susannah was pretty sure he was seeing a bathtub overflow or some source of running water. Willie drew his knees up to his chest and started hitting his head against them. He seemed to have a little more strength than Todd. "Stop the feeding." Susannah called out to Terry as she stabilized Willie's head to prevent him from hurting himself. Willie tried to pull Susannah's hands off of his head. Frank and Jeff immobilized his arms. If he could kick out, he didn't. He was not acting aggressively. He was just frightened.
"Willie, we have a rule here. You can't hurt yourself or anyone else."
"The boy is bad. The boy is bad. Now he's sad. Now he's sad. He's sad. He's sad. He's sad," Willie cried as tears poured out of his eyes.
"No, you aren't bad. You didn't know the rules and now you do. No hurting yourself. Willie do you understand?"
"Yes. There's a mess. There's a mess. Too much water. Too much wool. It's full. Yes, there's a mess. No. No. I won't go. I WON'T GO!" He then quieted down again.
"Willie, if we let go of your arms and head do you promise not to hit your head into your knees?" Susannah asked. He nodded. They cautiously and slowly let go. He made no attempt to butt his head into his knees. "Willie that's very good. You're a good boy," Susannah praised.
"Good, Mama's joy," he said, smiling at Susannah.
"Yes, very good boy," Susannah confirmed.
"I'm a good boy. A joy. A good boy," Willie repeated.
"Yes, you are a very good boy." Susannah reassured him with a smile.
Willie's calm suddenly turned to fear again. He began looking past Susannah at "the water". "Look at the clown. He'll drown. He laughs too loud it reaches the cloud. NO! Bad and sad and sad and bad and sad and bad." Willie kept repeating this over and over again. Then he started to sniff the air. "Hhhhha," he gasped. "I smell the fire. I smell the fire. I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar!" He started to cry again.
Susannah feared that Willie was totally psychotic, the speaking in nonsensical rhymes, the multi sensory hallucinations, his inability to concentrate on what was going on around him, left little doubt in her mind. What the connection was to his sudden appearance and Todd's episode she did not know. "LOOK! THERE'S FIRE! THERE'S FIRE! NO! I'M NOT A LIAR! I'M NOT A LIAR! NOOOOO!" Susannah had just given Terry an order for a sedative when he quieted down.
"Ooooh! I like the fire. It's pretty. Look! It's all orange and blue." He stuck his hand out as if he were putting it into the flame. "It hurts the other boy, but not me. I'm not afraid of it. He looked at something in his right hand that only he could see. When he realized he couldn't lift is left arm he placed the object he was seeing in his left hand. He went through the motions of what appeared to be taking a match out of a box and striking it against the box to light it. He held the imagined lit match up in front of him. He seemed to be mesmerized by the flame.
"Hi, can you tell me your name?" Susannah knew this wasn't Willie. She got no response. He was watching the match, his mind saw, burn out. He lit another one and then another. He was oblivious to anyone being in the room with him. Susannah sat on the bed and gently pushed his right hand down. With her other hand she lifted his face until their eyes met. "Hi, my name is Doctor Susannah Hanen. Do you have a name?"
"Bad Boy. I think."
"You don't know if Bad Boy is your name?" Susannah restated.
"The lady says I'm a bad boy."
"Do you mean Todd's mother?" Susannah pressed.
"Light the match for me. I like the fire," he requested. He tried to pull his hand away from Susannah.
"It's not okay to play with matches. It's very dangerous," Susannah explained.
"That's what the lady says. She says I'm a bad boy. The man plays with fire. He's bad. He hurts them. I don't hurt nobody. I just like the fire. The big boy made a big fire in back of the school. I wanted to watch. He wanted to run away, but I stayed and watched and he got caught. He got mad. I wanted to walk in the fire. He pulled me back. He said, 'stupid kid.' He stayed out and got in big trouble."
Sam knew he was probably referring to the time Todd got caught setting the Dumpster behind the school on fire.
"Well, Bad Boy, it is very dangerous to play with fire, but that doesn't make you bad." Susannah explained. She released his hand and he immediately went back to "lighting matches" and losing himself in the flame. Susannah once again, held his hand and lifted his face so that he was making eye contact with her. "Bad Boy, how old are you?"
"Dunno."
"Can you tell me what you look like?"
"Dunno."
"Do you know Todd?" He shrugged. He didn't seem to be sure if he knew him or not.
"Do you know Carol or Goodone or Miss Perkins?" "I don't think so," he responded as he shrugged again. "Light the match for me. I can hold it real long even when it burns down. I don't drop it. Light the match for me," he pleaded.
"Bad Boy, I know you like play with fire, but it isn't safe. You could get hurt or hurt someone else. Do you want to hurt yourself or anyone?" Frank tried.
"No. I don't want to hurt nobody. The lady thinks I'm bad. I just like the fire. The man likes the fire. He plays with the stove and the lighter and the fireplace. He likes to play by burning some of those boys. They don't like it and get real scared and sometimes I come out. I like fire."
"Doesn't it hurt you to be burned?" Viki asked.
"No, because my hands not attached to me when the man burns them."
"What do you mean they're not attached to you?" Sam asked.
"They're separate. They don't belong to the rest of my body. One of the other boys don't yell and the man don't like that, so I yell. I don't want the man to lock me up like that other boy. It don't hurt him and he acts like it don't hurt him and he gets locked away in the dark. I fool the man. He don't know I like the fire. I practice. I stick my hand in the fire, but the lady gets mad."
"You burn yourself to practice for when the man burns you?" Susannah wanted to be clear on this.
"In the fireplace and on the stove. I practice. Who's that?" Bad Boy pointing to someone only he could see.
"Bad Boy, are you seeing a person?" Susannah probed.
He nodded and said, "To people."
"Can you tell me what they look like?" Susannah coaxed.
He described Todd. "You can see Todd?" Sam asked in a surprised voice.
"I don't know his name," Bad Boy replied. He looked at Sam.
"Can he see you?" Susannah continued to question him.
"He's with a lady, an old lady."
Susannah looked at Sam and Viki. She was reasonably sure Todd was with Miss Perkins, but why, she wondered was he not with Goodone? Susannah thought for a moment and wondered if these alter's memories were closer to Todd's than most of the others. Perhaps Todd didn't need the sanctuary of Goodone under these circumstances. She knew that Todd did remember being burned at times and he remembered being told he set the school Dumpster on fire. What was unusual was not so much the fact that this alter was projecting Todd and Miss Perkins outside himself, but that this alter was seeing Todd at all. Susannah wondered why Todd was not hiding. "Bad Boy, is it all right if I try to talk to the lady and Todd?" Susannah pushed.
"Okay, then can we play with the matches?" Bad Boy bargained.
"No, hon. I'm sorry. It's never okay to play with fire." Susannah saw he was upset by what she just told him.
"No! Not never. I like the fire. It's pretty. Look it's pretty. Look! I can put my hand in and it don't hurt. Look at the colors. Look how pretty it is. I can put my hand in and it don't hurt. I want to play with the fire. I want to play with the fire." He was repeating it over and over again. He was getting lost in his hallucination and losing contact with them.
Sam went to the toy box and rummaged through if for a few seconds. "Bad Boy, Bad Boy, look!" Sam called out. He held up a toy fire engine that belonged to Thomas. "See, fires can hurt. Now, firefighters try to put out fires before they can hurt anyone and they ride in fire trucks that look just like this."
Bad Boy stopped repeating and looked at the toy in amazement. He reached out for it. "I got no toys," he sadly confessed. "It's red. I like red. It makes fires go away?" He seemed confused.
"The firefighters do. They use the truck to get to the fires and to help put them out, so no one will get hurt." Sam explained.
"The man likes fires. I can feel the fire. I didn't make it. The man did. He wants to play the fire game." Bad Boy looked away from Sam. He pointed. "Look he's covering his ears. The lady is patting him on the head. Why is he covering his ears?" Bad Boy seemed to be looking at Todd and Miss Perkins.
"Bad Boy, will you do something for me?"
He looked at Susannah questioningly.
"Will you let me try to help you get very relaxed so Todd can come and talk to us?"
"Will you take the toy away?" he asked, anxiously.
"No, you can keep the toy as long as you want," Susannah assured him. She hoped Thomas wasn't somewhere inside, getting upset.
"I like red. I like the truck even if it puts the fire out."
"Okay honey. You can hold on to the truck. I want you to lay back and try to relax your whole body. I will help you. Close your eyes.
"No! I don't like the dark. I practice so I don't get locked in the dark. No! Please! I don't like the dark. Light the match for me. Light the match for me. Please!" His anxiety was increasing again.
"Bad Boy, shhhh. You don't have to close your eyes if you don't want to. It's okay."
He looked at the toy truck again. "If they put out the fire the man will get mad."
"Honey, don't worry. We won't let the man get mad. Now lay back," Susannah gently pushed him to a reclining position. Susannah started with his feet and slowly got him to relax each section of his body. His eyes became glassy and his breathing became slow and rhythmic. "Bad Boy, I'm going to ask you to go inside now. Todd, I want you to come to the front. Todd. Can you hear my voice? Come to the front Todd. It's safe." There was no response. "Miss Perkins. If Todd is with you can you help him to come to my voice? I don't think Todd is hiding if he is with you. He may just be a little frightened, but not enough to hide. Miss Perkins can you make him feel safe enough to come out?"
They all noticed the tension returning to Todd's body. "Todd, it's all right. It's safe for you to come out. Todd, I think you can hear me. Come to my voice. Let Miss Perkins help you. You know she won't send you to be hurt. Come to the front Todd. Push your way to my voice." Susannah continued.
"I feel funny," They knew Todd had come back.
"In what way do you feel funny?" Susannah asked.
"Floaty. I'm not real."
"Yes, Todd you are very real. Would you like to sit up?" Susannah inquired.
"I am sitting up."
"No, you are laying down. Come, we'll help you up. Sam, would you help me?" Sam and Susannah got Todd into a sitting position. "Todd, I want you to stay relaxed and calm. You're safe. Todd, tell me where you are?" Susannah accessed.
"The woods?" Todd guessed.
"No, you are in your hospital room. Sam, Viki, Fr . . ."
"Viki?" Todd called out. His tone was questioning. It was as if he couldn't believe she was really there.
"Yes, baby. I'm here. It's Viki, sweetheart.
Todd stayed perfectly still for a full minute. He seemed to be listening for something. "He's not talking to me. It's quiet. Don't let him know I'm here." Todd whispered.
"All right Todd, you're safe here." Susannah assured.
"Did Viki come back? Maybe she forgave me?" Susannah motioned Viki to come to speak with him.
"Baby, I'm right here. I was never angry with you. There is nothing to forgive."
Viki?" Todd called out in a trembling voice. He reached out with his right hand.
Viki took his hand. "Yes, sweetheart. It's me."
"It's really you?" Todd reached up to touch Viki's face.
When his hand passed her lips Viki held on to it and kissed his palm. "I'm here sweetheart. It's really me and I love you very, very, much."
"You were so far away. I found you and you sent me away. Will you let me stay with you now?"
Susannah could see that Viki was hesitant about allowing Todd to confuse her with his mother. The difference was, he was referring to her as Viki, it was just the circumstances he was confusing. Susannah did not want Todd to get upset again. She tapped Viki on the shoulder and mouthed, "it's all right."
"Yes, baby. You can stay with me. You can stay with me forever," Viki hugged Todd as tightly as his injured body would allow.
Susannah was relieved that he was calmer. He was still exhibiting some schizoid symptomatology, but he was definitely improved. "Todd, can you tell me the last thing your remember before waking up just now?" Susannah asked.
"I heard you calling me." They were all shocked by his response. He had made a connection between his inner world and the real one. "Do you remember what you were doing when you heard me calling you?" Susannah probed.
"Fire, I remember fire." Todd began to cower against the headboard. They could see he was frightened. "I don't like fire. Who was that little boy?"
Susannah's heart started to pound. Could Todd actually have seen and remembered one of his alters? Could he actually be communicating with his inner system to this extent "What's was the little boy doing?" Susannah continued to question him.
Todd simulated Bad Boy's actions with the matches. Todd held his hand out. "He was playing with matches in the living room. He was lighting them and holding his hand in the flame. Ohhhh!" Todd cried out. He made a fist and pulled his hand back. "It doesn't hurt him, but it hurts me. I didn't do it. I DIDN'T DO IT! SAM! I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR. I SWEAR! SAM!"
"I'm right here Todd." Sam sat next to Todd and put his arm around him. "Relax Boomer. What didn't you do?"
"I didn't set the Dumpster on fire. Don't let them call my dad. Sam don't let them call him."
"Todd that was long time ago. You're safe now. You're in your hospital room. Can you tell me about fire? Why does it frighten you?" Susannah redirected him back to his memory.
Todd started shivering. Sam pulled the blanket up over him and tightened his grip. "It's okay, pal. I'm right here with you and so is Viki and Doctor Hanen. You're safe. Nothing can hurt you."
"And you're real. Sam, you promise me you're real?"
"Yes, Boomer, we are real. We love you pal. We'll never let anyone hurt you again," Sam promised.
Tears formed in Todd's eyes. He reached out for Sam's hand. Sam put his hand in Todd's. Todd's hand was ice cold and trembling.
"He hurt me with the fire, Sam. I see him. My dad hurt me with the fire."
"You mean the lighter, Boomer?"
"No, not just the lighter. The fireplace. He held my hand in the fire in the fireplace. Ohhhh, make it stop. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember. Please! Make it stop. Sam. Make it stop!" Todd buried his head in Sam's shoulder.
"Todd," Susannah did not want him to lose the memory, "it's all right. You do want to remember. Todd, don't you see that? You allowed yourself to remember. It's okay, honey. It's safe to remember things here. Nothing bad will happen to you. Do you remember why your dad held your hand in the fire?"
A loud sob escaped Todd's throat. "He did it a lot, I think. This time it was because I put my hand on his shoulder. He was sitting in his leather chair in the living room. I was being disciplined because I took a soda without permission. I had to learn to control myself and not just take a drink because I was thirsty. I had to be disciplined. I had to stand next to his chair without holding on to anything. I had to stand real straight and perfectly still. After a few hours I didn't feel so good. I felt dizzy and I said, 'dad, I don't feel so good.' I put my hand on his shoulder because I felt like I was going to fall over. I was bad and didn't obey him so he disciplined me. He held my hand in the fire."
"How old were you?" Susannah asked.
"That time I was nine. Hhhhha!" Todd gasped. "There was another little boy in the room with me. He's not afraid of the fire. It doesn't hurt him. He pushed me away and he got his hand held in the fire this time. Who is he? I didn't mean to get him hurt. VIKI! VIKI!"
Viki put her arms around Todd. "I'm here sweetheart. What is it?"
"I'm afraid," he sobbed loudly. "I don't wanna remember. Make it go away. I don't like it. Make it go away! No more. No more!" He was gasping as each sob left his throat.
Viki hugged him to her. Susannah could not believe the progress Todd just made. She was stunned. Susannah rubbed Todd's arm as Viki held him. "Todd. You don't have to remember anymore right now. You can rest. You did such a huge and brave thing today. You can rest now. It's all right. You did a great job."
Sam and Viki looked at Susannah, they saw the tears in her eyes matched their own. "We are so proud of you, sweetheart," Viki praised Todd and held him close.
"We are, Boomer. We know how hard that was for you," Sam acknowledged. He rubbed Todd's back.
"No more, okay," Todd continued to sob. "No more. Please!"
"No more, Todd. You rest now. Shhh, it's sleep time. Shhh." Susannah's voice and Sam and Viki's touch was calming and comforting. Slowly, Todd drifted off to sleep sandwiched in a hug between Sam and Viki. They carefully lowered him to a reclining position. Sam pulled the covers up over him. They each took a turn kissing "their kid" on the forehead. Susannah called Carl in to stay with him. Viki and Sam headed to Susannah's office with her. They had a lot to discuss and for once it wasn't all bad news.
TO BE CONTINUED
COPYRIGHT 1999/RS