Susannah had gone down to the ICU with Todd. Bill followed, but stayed in the waiting area outside the unit.

Susannah looked down at Todd. He looked small and so fragile that she thought that if she blew on him he would disintegrate. He was kept on ventilator, for now, and a dopamine drip. His blood pressure was ninety over sixty. Still low, but he was not in danger at this point. Todd was still heavily sedated. She knew he would not wake up until tomorrow.

Susannah headed out to the waiting area. Her legs felt weak. Her head was throbbing. She knew she needed to sit down. "Let's go back to my office," she suggested, knowing Todd was not in immediate danger.

Susannah wearily flopped down in one of the comfortable easy chairs in her office. Bill sat next to her chair, on the couch. "I was very impressed with the way you handle yourself in a crisis," Bill stated. The admiration he felt for her was evident in his tone.

"You kind of step outside yourself and let your instincts take over in a situation like that," Susannah explained.

"No, it's more than that. Most physicians can't and shouldn't treat their loved ones. Even the best of them would become too emotional. You were a total professional in there. You did what needed to be done quickly and expertly. You stayed calm and detached. I don't know how you do that. If it were one of my kids lying there, nearly dying, I would not have had your cool. Bill was in awe of Susannah's actions tonight.

Susannah sighed and said, "Now comes the really hard part. I have to call Todd's sister and Sam and tell them what happened and try to talk them out of coming over here. I want Viki to rest tonight."

"You could wait until morning to let them know," Bill suggested.

"No, they are his family. They have a right to know. At the very least it would be unethical not to tell them. More than that, it would be cruel. They trust me and this hospital with the life of their child. I don't take that lightly," Susannah declared.

Sam answered the phone. He was understandably upset when Susannah told him what had happened. Sam said Viki had been very quiet and keeping her pain to herself since they had gotten home.

Susannah did not like the sound of that. Sam went on to say that Viki wanted to be alone and had gone to her room. Sam told Susannah he had been checking on Viki even though he knew it was probably not what she wanted. He said she had finally fallen asleep about an hour ago and he had unplugged the phone in her room.

Sam started to tremble himself when Susannah told him what had happened. He was not sure what to do. He knew Viki would be furious if she wasn't told about Todd.

Susannah assured Sam that Todd was not in danger now and that it was unlikely a recurrence of the bradyarrhythmia would occur. The medications were, hopefully, preventing that. She assured him that neither Todd nor any of the alters had any awareness of what had happened to them and that Todd was still heavily sedated and would probably not wake up until late tomorrow morning, at the earliest. She explained there was nothing he or Viki could do for Todd.

Sam finally decided to let Viki sleep and face her wrath in the morning.

"I am really afraid for Viki," Susannah confessed as soon as she hung up. "If something happens to Todd, it will destroy her," she added.

"I know. I heard what you said to Todd when you were trying to will him back to life," Bill admitted, surprising Susannah.

"I didn't realize you were in the room the whole time," Susannah stated. For some reason she was not uncomfortable at all knowing that Bill had heard her say things to Todd that were private. "It is true you know. If Todd had died tonight Viki would never have forgiven herself. She would be sure it was because of what happened and the strain it put on Todd."

"Do you think that was, in part, responsible for what happened?"

"No, not directly. His blood work showed he suddenly converted from hypo- to hyperkalemia. That means his potassium became too high. But yeah," Susannah said, not really wanting to admit it.

"Todd mental state has a lot to do with his whole system being out of whack. Todd may be heavily sedated, but inside there is a part of him so devastated by the thought that his mother walked out on him again because he did something wrong, that he would want to die because of it. He keeps asking 'why? why?' He's always believed that he did something bad and that's why his mother left him. He begs her to tell him what he did so he won't do it again."

Bill shook his head and sighed, "I cannot imagine what it feels like to believe you did something so bad that your own mother would abandon you to someone she knew was torturing you and to not know what it was that you did? Or to be so afraid you'll do it again without knowing it and drive away the people you love?"

Susannah was impressed with his understanding of Todd and grateful for it at the same time. Talking to him was like lifting a hundred-pound weight off her shoulders. "I believe that is why Todd has a history of pushing away the people who love him, especially the women in his life. He keeps doing things to make them want to leave. He keeps reenacting the abandonment. DID and trauma patients will do that. They recreate the traumas over and over again," Susannah began explaining to Bill. "Now Todd clings to Viki so desperately . . . Bill, I have never seen anything like it. If she is gone, even for a little while, he becomes so distraught he usually has to be restrained and sedated. Sometimes even when he's in her arms he can't feel her love or her presence. He still cries for her, as she's holding him."

Bill had seen many tragic lives in his many years in law enforcement, but he had never known anyone in as much pain as Todd. He continued to listen intently as Susannah continued to pour her heart out to him.

"Today Todd really believed his mom finally came back to him. That she had forgiven him for some unnamed sin. When Viki told him that she only said she was his mother to try to comfort him, he felt totally betrayed by her. He did not believe that she said she was his mama. He believed that his mother had been there and that Viki told her he was bad or that he had done something bad and that his mama left him once again. He screamed at Viki. He told her he hated her. Logically, she knew it was grief talking and that it was Mama he was really hating, but his words devastated her. Then Todd became so out of control in his grief that he had to be sedated and restrained. That is always hard for the family to see happen to their loved one. Todd's already weak body was put at further risk by today's incident. Viki realizes that. I am really afraid for her, especially once she finds out Todd almost died tonight."

"Viki gave me the impression that she is a very strong woman. I know even the strongest people have their breaking points," Bill proclaimed.

"Viki is an amazingly strong person, Susannah confirmed and continued, "Much more so than many. Yet you're right. Even she has her limits."

"What about you, Susannah? You are also an amazingly strong person. Do you have your limits?"

"If I do, I haven't reached them yet, and I will not allow myself to." Susannah surprised herself with her reply. She could not believe the way she was opening up to Bill. She felt like she had known him for years. She was telling him things she usually would not discuss with anyone. Susannah had never had a close relationship with anyone other than her parents and grandparents. She was close to Nora when they were young, but not in their adult life. Since adulthood, Susannah had always considered Nora to be judgmental and a little hypocritical. Even before Todd.

Susannah had not dated much in school. She was there on a scholarship and her education was foremost in her life plan. Everything else took a back seat. Susannah graduated at the top of her class. It wasn't the honor that meant so much to her as the knowledge that she was a good doctor. Susannah had an eclectic start to her career. She had worked the ER. She functioned as an internist in the Peace Corps.

When she finally decided on psychiatry, Susannah spent three years of her professional life working in a free clinic. She had seen countless cases of children who had been abused and were referred to her by their schools or doctor's. She became interested in DID as a specialty after she discovered a ten-year-old girl she had been working with had nine different personalities.

This child had been abused for years by a stepfather and his brother. Only this child's mother did not look the other way. As soon as she discovered the abuse, she sought help for her daughter. Susannah continued to work with both mother and daughter for several years after leaving the clinic and starting her own practice, never taking a dime for her services.

This child had been caught in time. She was fully integrated by age fourteen. She went on to a happy marriage and to become the mother of two thriving children. She never failed to send Susannah cards for the holidays and to include pictures of her beautiful son and daughter.

Susannah cared very much for this patient, but never allowed herself to cross that line. She remained detached. Susannah didn't realize it was happening. Not until Todd almost died, that first time, did Susannah realize that Todd had become more than another patient to her. Never did she realize her capacity for maternal feelings towards someone.

Looking back on it now, Susannah thought about the first time she met Todd, Tom actually, in his room at Viki's. She remembered her first impression of him as he sat on the floor, leaning against the bed, playing with one of his beloved video games. He had looked at her through those large, innocent and terrified eyes and melted her heart.

Being totally honest with herself, Susannah realized that even back then, even that first day, something about Todd got to her. More a child than a grown man, he managed to step through the locked door to her heart and he never left.

Susannah smiled whenever she would remember the surprised look on his face when she handed him that box of chocolates. She remembered the first time Timmy came out and called her Mommy and Tom taking her hand as he fell asleep. Even Pete, angry and violent Pete, had found his way into her heart. She had never been afraid of him. She had always known that Pete would never hurt her.

Susannah thought about Todd. She knew that, like Viki and Sam, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, she wouldn't do to help Todd. His suffering haunted her day and night. Todd was the hardest one to keep her professional demeanor with. Like Viki, she wanted to say or do anything to ease his torment. Her training gave her the strength to resist doing that, but the pain of watching him fall apart more and more each day was all consuming and overwhelming.

Susannah would not admit it to Viki, Sam or even Tea, but she truly feared for Todd's life. His physical deterioration was concerning her greatly. She realized that the part of Todd that wanted to die might be overpowering the part that has always wanted to survive. Todd did not seem to have much fight left in him anymore. His depression was relentless. It seemed that no drugs could touch it. All they were doing was making him sicker and weaker. Susannah knew that she had to keep up the fight for Todd. He simply did not have the strength to fight his demons anymore and they were engulfing him.

Susannah had never felt like sharing these thoughts and feelings with anyone. They were private and she kept them to herself. She could not understand the urge she now had to share her thoughts with Bill. Bill . . . someone who yesterday had been a total stranger.

"A penny for your thoughts, Doctor Hanen," Bill said when he realized Susannah was a hundred miles away.

"Bill, I think I would have to pay you to hear my thoughts." Susannah realized how much she had unburdened herself on him this day.

"Why don't you try me?" Bill encouraged her.

Susannah hesitated for a moment and then, taking a deep breath, she told Bill everything she had been thinking.

"And you blame yourself for his condition, don't you?" Bill guessed after Susannah had finished telling him everything.

"I'm his doctor. I'm supposed to heal him, not just stand by and watch him disintegrate," Susannah declared as tears poured down her cheeks. These were the first tears she had shed since the day Todd went into cardiac arrest in the ICU. "I'm so afraid he's going to die. No matter what we try, he just keeps getting worse. You know he remembered something the other day. It wasn't really a full memory, but he remembered fragments and feelings. I was so happy. I even joked with Viki about Todd taking steps backwards for every step he took forward. I know that's to be expected but his physical health keeps deteriorating. It's as if he is willing himself to die. I don't know if my will to keep him alive will be enough. If Todd were to die, it would destroy his sister as well."

Bill stood up and then kneeled in front of the chair Susannah sat in. He put his hand on her shoulder. "That's a mighty big burden you carry there Doctor. He then took both her hands in his. Looking at them he said, "Kind of thought they'd be a lot bigger and more powerful since they hold the lives of two people in them. That is some awesome power you have there Susannah, the power of life and death. You and only you can save Todd and his sister."

"That's not what I meant! I just meant that as a doctor, I should . . . I . . . I . . . I just know I should . . ."

"You should be able, in six months, to heal almost thirty years of pain and torture. You should be able to transplant your will into him. You should be able to what? perform a miracle?"

Susannah just shook her head and wept, "I don't know. I just feel there should be more I should be doing, something I'm missing, some treatment or drug or something."

"Are you doing your best for him or are you letting your personal feelings get in the way?"

Susannah didn't answer for a few minutes. She then stated, "I do what I must for Todd and to Todd. No, I don't let my feelings get in the way. If I did, I would have taken Todd and his family back to Switzerland with me, away from here. I would just keep him safe and stop trying to get him to remember. I would just let him be. I would just let him be," Susannah sobbed. She put her face in her hands. Bill put his arms around her as she cried on his shoulder.

Susannah could not remember the last time she had been comforted by anyone. She never allowed herself to need it. It felt good but also frightening. Susannah Hanen was not usually a person who needed a shoulder to cry on. A part of her was mortified that she had lost control. Another part just wanted to be held. She wondered if that was how Todd felt.

Susannah suddenly realized that just like Todd, she was on a voyage of self-discovery. As well as she thought she knew herself, she was discovering that in many ways she didn't know herself at all. She didn't allow herself to recognize her own needs. She had closed herself off from intimacy as surely as Todd had. She always kept others at bay and never really let another person get know her.

Susannah always told herself that there would be plenty of time for relationships. Now she realized that time was getting away. She knew that you sometimes don't miss what you've never had. Until tonight, Susannah never had someone she wanted to share her thoughts and fears with. Now she realized what she had been missing. She also knew that as much as she might feel she was ready for a relationship, this was not a good time. Anyone who was involved with Susannah now would have to take a back seat to Todd. For now, he came first.

Susannah wondered if Bill was someone who would understand that the severely damaged and terrified young man whom Susannah first saw sitting on the floor at Viki's, was the top priority in her life. She wondered if Bill would understand that she would not let Todd succumb to his demons. Not while there was a breath left in her body. She was Todd's doctor, above everything else she was his doctor, and she would heal him.

Susannah knew she was only a few floors above the ICU. Nevertheless she wanted to be with Todd. He had almost died tonight. Susannah wanted to be with him. She wanted to sit and watch him sleep and make sure he was safe. Rationally, as Todd's doctor, she knew the competent staff of the ICU was with him. However the part of her that loved Todd, as if he were her own child, wanted to be with him and protect him. From death, if necessary], Susannah thought.

Once again, seeming to read her mind, Bill asked, "Can I bring you anything? I assume you will be spending the night with Todd. Do you need anything? A toothbrush, magazines, pizza?"

Susannah smiled and answered, "Maybe just some company for a little while longer."

As they both stood up to leave her office, Susannah looked at Bill and she reminded him. "Todd shouldn't be waking up until tomorrow, but if by some chance . . ."

"I know Sarge, no questions," Bill finished her sentence for her.

"Yeah," Susannah confirmed. She managed a small smile as they left her office and headed for the ICU.

TO BE CONTINUED

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