SECRETS PART FIFTY-THREE
Viki could not cry. She was too stunned by the events of the day. She sat on the couch some distance away from Todd's room. His shrieks and cries filled the unit. She listened to Todd's screams for mama, as he continued to shriek, "VIKI, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? MAMA DIDN'T GO AWAY. SHE LOVES ME! WHY DID YOU TELL HER I WAS BAD? WHYYYYY! MAMA! MAMAAAA PLEASE! COME BACK. I'M SORRYYYYY! MAMAAAAA!"
Viki knew she had done this to him. Her love had hurt him. Just like Barbara's had. Viki loved Todd more than anyone else on the face of the earth and she knew that she had hurt him so deeply that he might never be able to come back from it.
"Todd, what have I done to you? Oh my sweet boy, what have I done? What have I done!" Viki whispered, to herself.
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Kevin had been trying Viki's cell phone and had not gotten an answer. He became concerned and headed for the hospital. As he stood in front of the doors that open to the locked unit Todd was on, he could see something was wrong. He looked through the glass, waiting to be buzzed in. He saw the staff moving faster and more frantically than usual. He saw Viki sitting on the couch near Todd's room. The second the doors opened he heard Todd's screams.
Kevin rushed over to Viki.
"What's going on? Mom, what happened? Is that Todd?" Kevin shouted, trying to be heard over Todd's shrieks.
Viki nodded.
"Why is he screaming like that? What happened to him? My God! What happened to him!"
"I did this to him, Kevin. He's like this because of me," Viki confessed as she stared off into space.
"What? Mom, what are you talking about? What happened?" Kevin was becoming really frightened.
"I took her away from him again. He thinks she abandoned him for the third time," Viki said. Her voice was distant and expressionless.
"Took who away? Mom, what are you talking about?" Kevin was really getting frightened. He had not seen his mother like this before, not even when she was ill.
Kevin and Viki watched as a cardiac monitor and IV equipment were taken into Todd's room.
"Where's Sam? Where's Susannah?" Kevin asked.
"They're in with Todd," Viki replied in a monotone.
Kevin headed for Todd's room. He stood in the doorway. He did not want to see or hear this. He wanted to run. Todd was fighting the restraints and screaming for his mother at the top of his lungs. Sam was stroking his head and saying something that Kevin could not hear over Todd's shrieks. Susannah was bending over Todd, trying to start and IV, while Connie was attaching the leads from the heart monitor to him.
"MAMAAAA! MAMAAAA! PLEASE COME BACK! I'LL BE GOOD. I'LL BE GOOD! PLEASE! DON'T GO! I'M SORRY! MAMA PLEASE! I'M SORRY! I WON'T BE BAD. I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. TELL ME WHAT I DID. MAMA TELL ME WHAT I DID! MAMAAAAAAA! VIKI! VIKI TELL HER I DIDN'T MEAN IT. TELL HER! TELL HER I'LL BE GOOD. VIKI WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME? WHY DID YOU SAY SHE WENT AWAY AGAIN? MAMA LOVES ME. SHE LOVES ME! MAMA! MAMA PLEASE! I'M SO SCARED. MAMA PLEASEEEE! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM! I'M SCARED! MAMAAAAA!" Kevin heard Todd scream.
"Todd! Todd, Mama didn't leave you again. Mama wasn't here. Shhhhh. You didn't do anything wrong. Viki loves you. Viki and Sam are here for you. They love you. They won't let anyone hurt you. Shhhhh," Kevin heard Susannah say loudly, but soothingly, as she got the IV started.
Susannah straightened up and saw Kevin standing there. She walked over to him and ordered, "Kevin! You need to leave this room. Now!"
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell happened here. What did you do to him? Why is he screaming like that? What happened to my mother? Why is she sitting out in the hall like a zombie! Why are you attaching that equipment to him? Has something happened to his heart? Tell me!"
"Kevin if you wait outside, I will explain everything to you. I can't stop to do it now. Kevin please! Wait outside!"
Kevin looked over at Todd's frail body again and wondered how he had the strength to keep screaming that way. "Can't you give him something to put him out? How can you allow him to scream that way?!"
"He's already had two shots. His grief is stronger than the medication. I'm going to have Connie get a third, even stronger one, as soon as we have the equipment up and running. We can't just keep shooting drugs into him without monitoring him."
"Is he in danger? Just answer me that! Can he die?"
"Kevin, I'm not going to let Todd die. Now please don't make me have to call security. Go to your mother. She needs you."
Kevin knew there was nothing he could do for Todd at this point. He headed back to Viki. She was sitting just as he left her. He noticed her eyes were dry. She had not been crying. This concerned him more than if she had been.
"Mom, he's okay. Susannah is monitoring him closely and she is going to give him something stronger to calm him down. Sam is with him. It's all right."
"No Kevin, it's not all right. Todd is not all right. Todd is not going to be all right. Do you hear him? Do you! I did this to him."
Viki 's last few words were so faint Kevin could hardly hear them over Todd's shrieks. They saw Connie come out of Todd's room and rush to the medication room and fill a syringe and then rush back to Todd's room with it.
"Mom please, tell me what happened. Why do you think you did this to him?"
"I told him I was his mother," Viki confessed without emotion.
"You . . . what? Mom! Why would you have done that?" Kevin was shocked.
"He was in pain. Kevin, he was in so much pain," Viki said more to herself than to Kevin. She continued. "Saber or another alter or just some voice he was hearing was hurting him. He was making his head hurt so much. He was shouting at him. Terrifying him. He wanted his mother. More than anything, he wanted his mother. You should have seen him. When he thought his mother had come back and that it was his mother who was holding him, he immediately calmed down. He was at peace. He felt forgiven. He felt love. He was able to actually feel love. He smiled. My God Kevin! He smiled! I know I shouldn't have done it. I know that. I-I-just wanted to his pain to stop. I wanted him to have a few moments of peace."
Viki shook her head. An ironic smile formed on her lips. "Do you think he's at peace, Kevin? Does he sound like he's at peace! Does he sound like he's not suffering and not in pain to you? Do you think I helped him!"
"Mom you were trying to help. You didn't intentionally hurt him." Kevin tried his best to lessen Viki's guilt.
"Yes, and Barbara didn't intentionally hurt him when she told him to let his father do whatever he wanted to him and for him to just pretend to be elsewhere. She didn't intentionally hurt him when she passed out drunk every night while Peter tortured him. She didn't intentionally hurt him when she left him in order to save herself. No Kevin! None of it was intentional. All of it hurt."
"Mom you can't compare what you did to those things Todd's mother did. You got upset. You saw him suffering. For the moment all you could think about was easing that suffering. I saw how it was when Jimmy came out. I would have done anything to take his hurt away, the same with Timmy. Maybe for the moment your judgment was off, but you were trying to help him." Kevin tried to get Viki to see the reality of the situation.
Viki didn't answer. She just put her head in her hands, as her elbows rested on her knees.
There was suddenly an eerie silence in the unit. They realized Todd had stopped screaming. All except Viki who could still hear his shrieks for Mama and could still hear him screaming the words, "LIAR! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
Susannah and Sam came out of Todd's room and walked over to where Viki and Kevin sat. "It took three shots but he's finally out," a very weary Susannah informed them.
"Is he okay? I mean his heart and . . ."
"That's all right Kevin, I know what you mean," Susannah said as she sat down next to Viki. "Todd's heart rate and blood pressure have started to stabilize. He's very weak though. I wish I could have let him experience the grief he was feeling. I hated to have to put him out."
"Susannah, how could you say that! You saw how he was suffering in there?" Sam was appalled that Susannah would even think of letting Todd "experience" such profound grief.
"Todd needs to feel that. He needs to grieve the loss of his mother. He knew better than to show any grief when it actually happened. For his own survival, he blocked out the grief he felt. First when she abandoned him. Later, when she forced him to return to Peter and then when she died. What you just saw in there was Todd grieving the loss of his mother. He needs to feel every bit of that. Unfortunately, his body, at this time, is not strong enough to handle it. That is why I sedated him," Susannah explained.
Susannah looked at Viki. Viki looked as if she had not heard a word Susannah said. She looked far away and distant. "Viki," Susannah rubbed Viki's back, "let's go to my office and talk. Just the two of us."
Viki stared at Susannah for a few seconds before she responded. "I am not your patient, Todd is. You don't have to worry about me."
"Viki, I worry about all of you. You, Sam, Kevin and Tea. Todd's illness is taking its toll on all of you," Susannah stated firmly.
"What about you?" Viki pointed out. "Have you had one minute to rest since you were dragged out of your bed in the middle of the night to come here today? I don't see you falling apart. I don't see you lying to Todd and playing mind games with him. I don't see you telling him something that just devastated him. And I don't see you giving him reason to feel that he is so bad that his mother just walked out on him for the third time! Todd doesn't hate you. He doesn't think you told his mother that he is bad and caused her to leave."
"Viki, you cannot take the things Todd said to heart. Todd loves you. In every way, except biologically, you are his mother. He knows that and that is why he has put you in her place. That is why he clings to you and why he is inconsolable when you are not around," Susannah reminded Viki.
"It isn't me. He only clings to me because he is confused and he thinks I am his mother. Susannah you saw him. When he thought it was actually his mother who was holding him it was as if all his fears and demons had been lifted from him. He finally felt peace. He immediately accepted her love and affection. He felt the love, Susannah! That's something he can't do with me or with anyone else. Once he thought she had come back and forgiven him and that she would be here to protect him , he stopped hearing voices. His head stopped hurting. He was able to admit how frightened he was of being sick and how bad he felt being in his own body. He could never say those things to me. I could never calm and reassure him like that. I could never take the pain away like that. Never!"
"Viki I hear what you're saying and I can't disagree with you. Todd can't feel that way with anyone 'in our world', as Goodone would say. The good thing is we now know he is capable of feeling that way outside his hiding place. He can feel that in our world. Eventually he will be able to transfer the way he feels in Goodone's arms and the way he feels in his mother's arms to you and Sam. He will be able to feel your love and to take comfort in it and be able to show you love in return," Susannah said encouragingly.
"When Susannah? After the voices drive him completely crazy? After he goes inside one day and we can't get him back? After his heart gives out?" Viki asked desperately.
"Viki I know right now you can only see the bad side of what happened today and I won't lie to you. Letting Todd think you were his mother was not the best choice you could have made. Nor was telling him it was lie as suddenly as you did. It was very traumatic for him and he was not prepared for it."
Susannah could see Sam and Kevin wondering why she was being cruel enough to make Viki feel even worse. "But Viki. . . Viki look at me," Susannah demanded firmly.
Viki looked up. Her sad blue eyes looked into Susannah's warm and comforting brown ones.
Susannah continued. "I think, in the long run, you may have done Todd a favor. As I said, he needed to feel this. He needed to be given the opportunity to grieve for his mother. He needed to lash out at her, too, and to tell her he hated her. He needed to call her a liar, much the same way little Andy is able to. True, his words were directed at you but in most ways, even without you saying it, to Todd you are Mama. You are as close to a mother as he will ever have. You know he always turned to you when he was frightened or in trouble. Even before he became so sick. He once told me how he came to you when he came home from Ireland. He came to you before he took everyone hostage. I'm sure in his own way even Pete thinks of you as his mother and the children certainly do."
Viki thought about everything Susannah just said. "Timmy calls you mommy too. He sometimes calls female staff members mommy," Viki pointed out.
"Timmy is just desperate for his mommy. He gets confused and forgets. Viki, I'm not just talking about Timmy, but as long as you brought him up, yes, Timmy sometimes mistakes me for his mother, but that is all it is. He gets confused. It's different with you. He truly wants you to be his mother. He allows you to care for him and feed him in a way he would not be comfortable doing with anyone else. I know that right now you want to beat yourself up for what happened here today and if it makes you feel better to do that then do it, and then get over it because Todd needs you. He may have pushed you away today . . ."
Susannah could see Viki was still suffering. She needed to get through to her. "Viki, he needs you! He will not survive this without you. You did something very unselfish for him today. You let him hate you. He needed that anger against Mama. What Todd felt today might not evidence itself for some time. Nevertheless, I honestly believe it was a good thing. I believe in the long run it will help Todd. Now I want you and Sam to go home tonight and rest in your own bed. I promise you Todd will not wake up during the night. His grief may have fought off the first two shots, but the drugs are still in his system. I don't expect Todd to wake until late tomorrow morning, at the earliest. He is being closely monitored and he will not be left alone for one second. If it will make you feel better I will stay the night." They all heard the no-nonsense tone in Susannah's voice.
"Susannah, you don't have to do that," Viki insisted. She then thought for a moment and took a deep breath and said. "Sam, let's go home."
Susannah patted her on the back and Viki stood up. Viki asked Connie to please go into Todd's room and get her coat, purse and Sam's coat. She looked at Susannah and said, "I'm not the only one who needs some rest. Promise me you'll get some too."
Susannah looked at her watch and saw it was seven-thirty. "Actually, I have a dinner date." She could see the curiosity in their eyes.
"Bill Jackson is going to be bringing some Chinese take-out to my office," Susannah expanded her information to them.
"I kind of thought he was looking at you a little differently than the way he looked at the rest of us," Sam said teasingly.
"We just have some things to discuss that we didn't get to earlier. It's no big deal," Susannah stated, she smiled even though she was a little embarrassed.
"Okay Doc, whatever you say," Sam continued to tease her.
Connie came out with the coats and Viki's purse.
"How is he?" Viki asked. I took his vitals when I was in there. He's stabilized. He's in a deep sleep. He'll be getting a feeding soon."
"Connie, I want him in Fowler's position. Keep him on normal saline. I want you to let me know immediately if there is even the slightest change in his condition. I'm going to order a CBC, Chem ten and blood gas. If the lab tech doesn't come to draw the blood by eight let me know. I'll be in my office. Oh and Connie, when the Commissioner shows up, just send him right in."
Kevin waked out with Sam and Viki. Susannah watched them as they waited for the door to be buzzed open. She was worried about Viki. She knew her words had only temporarily comforted her. She knew that Viki was a long way from being over what had happened.
Susannah went back to her office. She took three extra strength Tylenol's. She sat at her desk and rubbed her temples. She knew that what she told them was true. Todd did need to feel the pain and grieve over the loss of his mother. She also understood that just knowing that would not lessen Viki's pain or the guilt she feels. Susannah was really worried about her. She was afraid that Viki would be afraid of what she says to Todd, to all of them. She knew that Todd and the others were extremely sensitive to the slightest differences in the people around them. They will sense any change or fear in Viki immediately and in turn they will become more fearful and distrusting. She had to make it clear to Viki that, yes, in the heat of the moment she said the wrong thing. She had to make her understand that everyone has a breaking point. Viki has to accept that and move on or it could destroy both her and Todd.
Susannah was so lost in thought she didn't even hear Bill knock on her office door. He could see the surprised look on her face when he stuck his head in and said, "They told me I should come right to your office, that you were here."
Shaking her previous thoughts from her head, Susannah apologized. "Bill I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere. Please come in."
As Bill walked in, the aroma of Chinese food wafted from the bag he was carrying.
"Delivered fresh, from The Palace Of Wong," Bill announced. He set the bag down on Susannah's desk. He looked at Susannah's face and said, "Let me guess. Todd had a bad day."
"Oh Bill, you don't know the half of it. Bad is putting it mildly," Susannah sighed.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Bill offered.
Susannah thought for a moment and answered, "No, actually I don't. Not right now. Right now I want to sit here and enjoy this wonderful dinner you brought and I want to talk about anything except today."
Susannah was impressed with Bill's choices and she could tell he was pleased with the quality of the food.
"So Commissioner, what do you think of Llanview now? How do we rate as far as Chinese food goes?"
Bill smiled and answered; "I'd say an eight out of a possible ten."
"Only eight?" Susannah joked.
"Well, it could be a ten, if I could get a smile to go with my dinner."
Susannah realized that she probably had not smiled once since Bill walked into her office. "Sorry, I guess I'm not the best company tonight. I owe you one Chinese dinner, complete with a smile."
"Don't think I won't take you up on it either," Bill declared and then asked, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Let's go sit over there," Susannah pointed to the more comfortable armchairs. "We can take our tea and fortune cookies with us."
They moved over to the chairs. They quietly drank their tea for a moment. Susannah opened a cookie and looked at the fortune and burst out laughing. Bill looked at her and smiled. [What a great laugh she has, he thought to himself.
Susannah read her fortune. "'Today is your lucky day.'" I guess we should ask for your money back for these cookies," Susannah kidded, finally smiling.
"Oh, I don't know about that. I mean you are sitting here having dinner with me. Some would call that pretty lucky," Bill teased and smiled back.
"They would, would they? Well, I guess you can at least say it is the highlight of my day," Susannah confessed, still smiling.
"Well, I guess I can say the same, Doctor Hanen. So, you want to talk about the not-so-great part of your day?"
Susannah took a deep breath and leaned back and put her feet up on the coffee table. She felt like the days events had happened a hundred years ago.
Susannah began. "There is an alter named Saber. He's an internal persecutor. He fashions himself to be Peter or at the very least, just like Peter. He hates Todd. Like Peter, he blames Todd for everything that makes him unhappy. He also hates me. He is engaging in a battle of wills with me."
"A battle of wills? Over what?" Bill asked, intrigued by what Susannah said.
"Over Todd, over his mind, over his body, over his soul. Saber wants to destroy Todd. He might want to destroy them all. He takes great pleasure in seeing Todd suffer. He loves to taunt him. The more frightened and upset Todd becomes, the more satisfied Saber becomes."
"I don't understand. Doesn't he realize that, if not the mind then certainly the body he is trying to destroy is also his? Doesn't he know that if Todd gets sick or dies, he will too? Doesn't he realize if Todd has to remain hospitalized so does he?" Bill had never heard anything like this before.
"No, he sees himself as totally separate from Todd. Those are the alters that are most dangerous to the host, the ones who feel no connection to the host personality; the ones who truly believe that they will survive if the host dies. They enjoy watching the host and some or all of the other alters suffer, even if the pain if physical."
"And he wouldn't feel it? If Todd or one of the others were suffering, physically, this alter would not feel it?" This was mind boggling to Bill.
"No, he is completely detached from any physical sensations they would feel," Susannah explained.
Bill thought for a moment, then remarked, "Amazing, just amazing. So what did this, Saber, do?"
"If it was Saber, and I'm fairly sure it was, he screamed at Todd. He made his head hurt. Bill, I don't mean just a little headache. I mean Todd was in agony. Think of the worst headache you ever had and multiply that by a thousand and that is the way Todd's head feels when this happens to him. Saber was also taunting him about his daughter, Starr. He was telling him that something or someone would hurt her. Todd was terrified. He was screaming and begging for his mother. No one could comfort him. He wanted his mother. Viki just couldn't take seeing him suffer like that. She snapped. She held him and told him she was his mother."
"And he believed her?"
"Todd has been delusional about Viki being his mother ever since he became blind. He has been clinging to Viki for dear life and confusing her with him mother. Until today, Viki has always corrected him and said 'It's Viki.' Today, when she heard Todd screaming in pain and being terrified by the voice or voices he heard, she held him and told him she was his mother."
"Didn't she realize the consequences of telling him that?" Bill realized this was not a good thing.
"Normally I think she would have. Viki has been under tremendous strain for months. Ever since Todd took everyone hostage. The past few days have really pushed her over the edge. Todd has been more delusional recently. He has been switching all over the place. In one day six alters, that we had never met, came out. Viki is afraid to leave him, even long enough to go home to change, ever since Todd went into a restraint and needed to be sedated when he discovered Viki wasn't around."
Susannah sipped her tea. She took a deep breath and continued. "Viki is at the end of her rope. Viki is running on empty. It's no wonder her judgment was poor. She acted out of a mother's grief at seeing her child in pain and suffering. All she could think of was making the hurt go away. Sam isn't in much better shape. An illness like Todd's can devastate an entire family. Suddenly, their entire life revolves around the illness and the hospital. The strain of it can destroy a family. Fortunately, in this case it brought Sam and Viki together. It brought Viki's son back to her, but it is taking it's toll. In a case like this you have to treat the entire family. They are all suffering."
They were both surprised by Susannah's phone ringing. Bill saw Susannah's face become pale and heard her say, "I'll be right there."
"Todd's blood pressure is dropping. His heartbeat has become irregular," Susannah informed Bill, as she jumped up and rushed out the door. Bill followed behind.
Connie, Marcia, Nancy and Anna, a nurse from a nearby unit were with Todd. As was Doctor Warren, a first year resident.
"His BP is eighty over fifty," Connie informed Susannah.
"What do we have?" Susannah asked as she looked at the monitor.
"Bradyarrhythmia," Dr. Warren answered.
"Has cardiology been called?" Susannah inquired.
"Yes, Stevens is on tonight. He's on his way," Marcia replied.
Susannah's days in the ER came back to her immediately. She wasn't going to chance waiting for the Stevens to get there.
"Let's get a 12-lead ECG going. I want him on O2, hundred percent, fifteen liters per minute. Let's get another blood gas. Secure the airway," Susannah ordered.
"His pressure's dropping, sixty over forty," Anna called out and waited for instructions.
"Okay, let's intubate him," Susannah ordered.
A few minutes after Todd was intubated Doctor Stevens came in and quickly assessed the situation. "0.5mg atropine push," he ordered. After four minutes there was no change. "Give him another 0.5mg," Doctor Stevens ordered."
"I'm not getting any pressure," Anna called out.
"He's arresting," Connie said loudly, with just a touch of panic in her voice.
"Call a code," Doctor Stevens ordered and then said, "Lets start CPR."
Bill stood watching from the doorway.
As Doctor Stevens did chest compressions, Connie worked the Ambu bag, trying to breath life back into Todd. Bill heard Susannah as she tried to will the life back into Todd.
"Todd don't do this. Come on Todd! I know you feel like you want to die right now, but if you do you'll be taking Viki with you. Do you want that! If something happens to you tonight, Viki will blame herself. She'll never get over it. Todd! Do you want to do that to Viki? Do you want your sister to spend the rest of her life thinking what she did killed you? I know you love your sister. Todd, Viki wishes she were your mother. She loves you more than she loves anyone on earth. If you die, Viki will die right along with you. It will destroy her. Come on Todd! If you don't want to live for yourself, then do it for Viki!"
"Levophed, ten micrograms." Bill heard Doctor Stevens say.
Bill was suddenly pushed out of the way by what seemed like more than a dozen people all rushing to Todd's bed. They came with a crash cart and more medical equipment then he had ever scene. Some were inserting tubes and lines into Todd. Some were taking blood from him. Someone was recording the record of everything being done.
"Prepare the paddles," Bill heard Doctor Stevens shout out. Someone started putting conduction jelly on the paddles.
"Charge!" Doctor Stevens ordered. Bill then heard a few voices saying "clear".
Bill saw Todd's body lift off the bed in response to the electrical shock going through him. Todd did not respond.
"Charge!" Doctor Stevens once again ordered. Again "clear" was called and Todd's body jerked in response to the shock he was given.
"I got a pulse," Connie called out. The relief was apparent in her voice.
"BP's coming up. Fifty over thirty," Anna added.
"Start dopamine, 25 micrograms," Doctor Stevens ordered.
Bill came into the room and walked over to Susannah. He smiled at her and asked, "So, is this a typical day around here?"
Susannah smiled back and shook her head.
COPYRIGHT 1998 R/S
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