"He really gets to you, doesn't he?" Bill observed.

Tears came to Susannah's eyes and she nodded yes. "Do you think it's unprofessional of me?" Susannah asked. This was the first time Susannah had ever asked anyone that or even said it out loud.

Bill sighed and began to tell Susannah a story from his past. "I knew this kid once, Jeremy, a seventeen year old. Came from the projects. In and out of trouble his whole life. He was involved in holding up a convenience store. The guy behind the counter was shot to death. He left behind a wife and five kids. Everyone was screaming for this kid's blood; the DA, the media, the press, everyone. My gut told me to believe him when he said he didn't do it. He said he was just driving the car and his friends told him they were going in for beer. When they came running out and told him to take off, he did. He knew then that something bad must have happened inside, but he drove that car away as fast as he could. Yes, he panicked, but I knew he was no killer. I bent, broke and twisted many a law to try to help that kid. All I knew was that I didn't want him doing hard time and blowing what little chance he had for a future. Was that unprofessional? Most would say yes. Would I do it over again? You bet!" Bill declared firmly.

"What happened to the boy?" Susannah inquired.

"He went to a juvenile facility. He finished high school. He's going to graduate law school next year. He just needed to know that someone was there for him. His father was long gone and his mother was a drug addict. He never had unconditional love. I gave it to him. Tough love, but it was unconditional. He knew I believed in him and he knew I put my career on the line for him. No one had ever done that for him. It turned him around. Sometimes following the rules and doing things the way they taught us to in school is not the best thing to do. Not for us and not for the Todds and Jeremys in this world."

Susannah looked into Bill's eyes for a moment. She knew she didn't have to say anything.

"So what time do they let you out for dinner?" Bill asked.

Susannah laughed and said, "Todd kind of sets my schedule."

"Do they have any really good Chinese take out in this town? I mean really good. Be careful because I tend to judge a town by the quality of its Chinese take out."

"There is a place on Eleventh and Race called 'The Palace of Wong' it's my favorite. The beef and broccoli is especially good," Susannah felt hunger pangs just thinking about it.

"All right Doctor Hanen. I'm going to hold you to that. So what would be a good time for me to bring this feast I'm planning on buying to your office? I am assuming that you will be working past dinner and that you usually do."

Susannah couldn't help but smile at how well Bill already seemed to know her. "How about eight o'clock? Todd is given his nighttime meds between seven-thirty and eight. It usually puts him to sleep for at least a few hours."

"Eight it is, and be warned, if the food is not up to my lofty standards it may permanently effect our relationship."

"I didn't know we had a relationship?" Susannah said, still smiling.

"Sure we do. So far it consists of you barking orders at me and me following them," Bill admitted as he headed for the doors and waited to be let out of the unit.

Todd stayed asleep for two hours. Viki was sitting by his bed and Sam was doing some paperwork in the chair when he woke up with a start, calling out, "Starr!"

"Todd, it's Viki. I'm right here sweetheart."

Todd sat up and reached for Viki's hand. "Viki, he's gonna hurt Starr. He's gonna hurt her because I love her. He's angry because I talk to Doctor Hanen. He hates me and he'll go after Strarr because he hates me."

"No Todd, no one will hurt Starr. She's safe," Viki tried to assure him.

"NO! You don't know him. He'll hurt anyone." Todd's expression turned from panic to fear. "There! Don't you hear him? He's laughing. He's laughing!" Todd covered his ears with his hands.

Carl alerted Connie and stepped into Todd's room.

"He'll hurt Starr because she's little and helpless and she has no one to protect her. I've got to get to her," Todd cried out. He started to get out of the bed, just as Susannah, Connie and Dave came in.

Sam tried to comfort Todd. "Okay Todd, relax pal, Starr is fine," Sam gently pushed him back toward the bed.

Susannah motioned for the staff to hold back and allow Sam and Viki to try and handle this.

"Todd, I swear to you Starr is safe," Viki stated firmly. She placed her hand on his shoulder.

"NO! Please, Viki, Sam let me go. Let me go!" Todd tried to pull free of them. He didn't have the strength. He sunk back to a sitting position on the bed and started to cry. "Why can't I do anything anymore? Why do I feel like this? I can't do anything! He knows it and that's why he knows he can hurt her. He knows I can't protect her," Todd continued to sob.

Susannah approached him slowly. "Todd it's Doctor Hanen, Todd listen to me. Starr is safe. She will not be hurt."

Todd gasped and covered his ears. "CAN'T YOU HEAR HIM! CAN'T YOU HEAR HIM!" He put his head in his hands and cried out in pain. "Ohhhhhh! It's so loud. It's so loud! My head hurts. My head hurts. Why can't you hear him? He says you're lying. You're all lying to me. Starr's not safe. He's going after her." Todd tried to get up again. This time dizziness forced him to sit back down.

Seeing what was happening, Susannah pushed his head down to his lap. "Todd just relax. You're just having a dizzy spell. It will pass in a few minutes."

"I can't do anything anymore. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead!" he continued to sob to himself. When the voice became loud again Todd screamed, "OH GOD! PLEASE! MAKE HIM STOP! WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?"

"Because he's a coward, Todd. He's picking on someone who can't fight back. That is a coward," Susannah explained to him.

"HE'S LAUGHING. IT'S SO LOUD. I'M SCARED. I'M SCARED! OHHHHH, MAKE IT STOP!"

Sam's heart was being ripped out but he knew he had to stay strong. He put his arms around Todd. "Shhhh, Todd, I'm right here. I know I let your father hurt you. Boomer, I swear I won't let this voice or anyone hurt you now. Not you or Starr."

Todd held on to Sam tightly and pleaded, "Sam, my head hurts so much. Make it stop. I can't stand it. Please, pleeeeease," he sobbed. He was gasping for breath. Todd's eyes went blank for a second.

He pushed Sam away. Looking Susannah in the eye, he boasted, "You see, Doctor, you have no control over the situation. Did you really think you could insult me into stopping? Don't you know I can do anything I want to him, to all of them, even Pete. You have no power over me. I have all the power. You have none." He looked around the room. "None of you have any power over me. I just wanted you to know that. I can destroy him any time I want. You would all do well to remember that. You want him back? Here!"

"AAARRGGGHHHHH!" Todd shrieked, in pain. Before they could stop him, he got up and fell to his knees. "MAKE IT STOOOOOP! OH GOD! IT HURTS SO MUCH. MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE. HELP ME! MAMA! MAMAAAAA! HEEEELP ME."

They could see he was having trouble breathing. His body was trembling convulsively. "MAMAAAA!" Todd continued to shriek. He lowered his head to his knees. "IT HURTS! IT HURRRRTS! I WANT MY MAMA. MAMA! IT HURTS! MAMA! I'LL BE GOOD. MAMA HELP ME! MAMA PLEASE IT HURTS SO MUCH. HELP ME! MAMA! MAAAAMMMMAAA PLEEEEESE!"

Viki got down on her knees and put her arms around him. She kissed his head and stroked it. "Shhhhhh, Todd, Mama's here. Mama's here."

Sam, Susannah and the staff exchanged looks. They knew Viki should not have done that.

Todd stopped screaming. "Mama? he asked weakly.

"Shhhhh, baby, it's all right. I'm here. I won't let him hurt you."

Todd reached out a trembling hand trying to find her face. Viki took it and brought it to her cheek. He felt her face. A light none of them had ever seen shone in Todd's face. Fresh tears welled up in his unseeing eyes. "Mama! Oh mama you came back to me. You forgive me. Oh mama you do love me." Todd was crying. His voice was trembling. He curled up and put his head in Viki's lap. "Mama, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did to make you go away. I promise I'll be good. I won't do it again mama. I promise. Please say you forgive me. Please say you won't leave me. Please mama, I'll be good."

"I won't leave you, sweetheart. I'll never leave you. Never!" Viki swore. She bent down and kissed his head.

"Mama, I'm so scared all the time. It's always so dark and cold and everything hurts. I can't remember what if feels like not to be in pain and not to be scared. I feel so sick all the time. Mama I can hardly walk anymore. Oh Mama, I missed you so much. Please don't go away again. It hurts so much when you go away."

Todd was calming down. As Viki stroked his head with one hand he held on to Viki's other hand.

"Mama, I love you," Todd professed with all his heart.

"Sweetheart, I love you so much. I love you more than anything, Todd. I love you baby," Viki's voice was soft and soothing.

"Mama," Todd whispered. He smiled and fell asleep.

Viki knew she shouldn't have done that. She also knew she had to do something. She could not let him suffer for one more second. Susannah told Dave and Carl to get Todd into the bed. He was in such a deep sleep he didn't even feel them lifting him.

"Do you want us to undress him?" Dave asked.

"No, just cover him up. It's almost time for another feeding. It will be better if he sleeps through it," Susannah instructed.

Viki had gone outside. She was sitting on the couch in the lounge when Sam and Susannah came out.

"If you're waiting for me to say I'm sorry I did that, I'm not. He was in agony," Viki stated adamantly.

"Viki, I can understand why you did that and I am relieved that it calmed him down, but what will happen when he wakes up and Mama is gone again? You can't keep feeding his delusions," Susannah explained.

Viki started to cry. "I know that. Do you think I don't know that! My God, I feel like I'm his mother. I will not allow him to continue to suffer. If he needs that delusion now, why not just let him have it?"

"Viki, I think you know the answer to that. We can't help Todd with lies. He has to be able to accept the truth and the truth is that is mother left him and now she's dead and she can never come back to him."

"You allow the children their delusions. You allow them not to have to face the fact that their mother is dead. Why not Todd? Why not Todd?" Viki sobbed.

"Viki, you know that the situation is different. Todd lives with enough lies," Susannah tried to get Viki to understand.

"Susannah," Sam began, "I understand what you're saying. Would it really do so much harm to let him believe his mama is with him just for a little while, just until he's stronger? You saw how it calmed him. My God Susannah, he smiled! I can't remember the last time I saw Todd, himself,smile. Why can't you allow Viki to give him the mother he needs, here, in our world? Maybe then he wouldn't have to go away to be with a mother?"

Susannah would have given anything to be able to allow Todd to keep his "mother." She knew she had to do what was best for him and she tried again to get them to understand. "I truly understand what you are both saying and I do want Todd to consider Viki a mother figure to him and to allow her to nurture him as a mother would. However, we can't help him by allowing him to believe that Viki is his mother. Then the fact that his mother really is dead and that she did desert him without ever coming back to him, as far as he knows, will be just one more thing he will have to come to grips with. Do you really want to add to the things he will have to remember in order to heal?"

"Susannah, I know you're right. I just want him to have some peace. For God's sake, is that too much to give him? I just want him not to hurt so much. I may not have given birth to him, but in every way I consider myself to be his mother. How much of a lie is it? If it alleviates his pain, even if it's not completely the truth, why not let him have it? I can't see how allowing him to believe it, just until he's better able to cope with the truth, will cause more harm?" Viki pleaded.

Susannah had never seen Viki like this. She knew that Viki was at the end of her rope. She just couldn't stand by and watch Todd suffer any more. Susannah realized that Viki needed to be Todd's mother almost as much as he needed her to. She hated to say it, but she had to. What was best for Todd came first. "Viki, I'm sorry. You would not be helping Todd by pretending to be his mother."

"Look Susannah, you know that the court appointed me Todd's legal guardian. I think I have the right to act in a way a I deem fit."

In part, Sam agreed with Viki. Still, he knew Susannah was right. He also knew that Viki was not thinking with her head, but with her heart. He realized that right now she was beyond reasoning with. "Why don't we just drop it for now. Todd is asleep and he might not even remember any of this when he wakes up," Sam suggested.

Susannah looked at Viki's determined face and knew that Sam was right. It would be best to drop it for now.

Viki went to lay down in the lounge. She didn't sleep. She lay there thinking about how grateful she was that she had found a way to comfort Todd. Then she thought about what Susannah had said. She felt anger. He's not your child,' she thought. Then Susannah's words and the realization of the situation hit her. Dear Lord, he's not my child either. He's my blood, but I can't let him continue to believe I'm his mama. When he realizes I'm not he'll have to face the trauma of losing her all over again. Viki turned over and wept into the pillow.

Unfortunately, Sam was wrong. When Todd woke up his first waking thought was that his mama forgave him and came back to him and that she really did love him.

Dave was outside the door and Sam was sitting with him. Sam noticed Todd's eyes were open, but he was not moving. "Hey pal, how are you feeling?"

"Where's Mama?" Todd immediately asked.

Sam got a sinking feeling in his gut. "Mama's not here. Do you want me to get Viki for you?" Sam offered.

"No, I want Mama. She was here." Todd's face took on that same light and he smiled again as he spoke to Sam about his mother. "Sam, she came back for me. She came back for me, Sam! She forgives me. Oh Sam, she forgives me. She doesn't think I'm bad anymore."

Todd's voice had a tone in it that Sam had never heard before. He then realized what it was; hope and happiness. Todd seemed at peace. Was Susannah right to deny him this temporary happiness, even if it is based on a lie? Or was Viki right when she let Todd believe his mama had come back to him?

"Mama," Todd called out again. He reached out for her. "Mama, please come talk to me." When there was no response from his mother, Todd's voice started to get it's usual panicky tone. "Sam, why won't she answer me! Why won't she take my hand! MAMA! MAMA!" Todd screamed.

"Todd, listen to me. Mama isn't here now. She can't hear you," Sam didn't know what else to say.

Todd reached out for Sam's hand. "Sam! Did he come here? Did he hurt her!" Todd was now going into a full panic.

"Did who come here and hurt her?" Sam wasn't sure whom he meant.

"My dad. Sam, did he hurt her? Did he hurt her!" Todd was squeezing Sam's hand with both of his.

Dave had alerted other staff members and stepped into the room as soon as he heard Todd's raised voice. For now he was allowing Sam to try to calm Todd.

"No, Todd, calm down. Your dad wasn't here. He didn't hurt your mom. Take it easy, pal. I'll get Viki and Doctor Hanen for you," Sam offered and placed his hand on Todd's shoulder.

Todd pulled away from him. "I don't want them. I want Mama! She's here, Sam. Why won't you get her for me?"

Sam heard hurt and fear in Todd's voice. Sam wondered if Todd thought he was deliberately keeping his mother from him?

Todd surprised them by getting off the bed on the opposite side from where Sam was standing. Carl and Dave quickly ran over to where Todd stood, on legs barely able to hold him up. They each took one of his arms as Dave announced who they were.

"Okay Todd, let's get you back to the bed or would you like to go to the chair?" Dave spoke gently, but firmly.

"NO! Todd screamed and tried to feel his way to the door.

Sam did not want to see Todd put in a hold or mechanically restrained. He approached Todd.

"Sam, I need you to leave the room now," Connie told him.

"No please. Please let me try to help him calm down." Sam insisted.

Connie nodded.

"Todd, come on, pal. I was here with you. Todd your dad wasn't here. No one hurt your mom. I swear Boomer. No one hurt your mom. Let's just sit down and wait for Doctor Hanen and Viki.

"I WANT MY MOTHER!" Todd shrieked and tried to pull away from Dave and Carl. "Where's the door? I need to go find Mama. Please help me find the door! Please! My mama's out there. I want my mama. Please! PLEASE!"

Todd's pleas were getting to everyone. Sam and the staff had tears in their eyes.

"Todd we know you want your mama. Right now you need to calm down and go back to bed. We're going to help you back to your bed," Dave spoke soothingly.

Susannah and Marcia rushed into the room. When Todd heard someone come in, he screamed, "MAMA! MAMA! I'M HERE! MAMA! PLEASE! I'M OVER HERE! MAMA!"

Susannah took over verbal communication. "Todd, its Doctor Hanen. You need to calm down and then we can talk about your mother. You can tell me what you remember about Mama."

"WHERE'S MAMA? SHE WAS HERE. SHE WAS HERE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER! WHY ISN'T SHE HERE NOW!" Todd tried to pull away with all his might.

"You need to stop fighting us, Todd. We're not going to hurt you." Susannah said calmly.

"NO! I'M GOING TO FIND MY MOTHER! GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

Susannah gave them all a silent signal and they backed Todd up to the wall and placed him in a full physical restraint.

"NO! STOOOOP! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. I JUST WANT TO FIND MY MOTHER. SHE WAS HERE. SAM TELL THEM! SHE WAS HERE! TELL THEM! TELL THEM! LET GO! I'M GOING TO FIND MAMA!" Todd continued to shriek.

Todd was getting very short of breath. Susannah gave Connie and order for a sedative.

"MAMAAAAA! MAMAAAAA! LET GO OF ME! MAMAAAAAA!" Todd's shrieks permeated the unit.

Viki was just heading back to Todd's room when she heard his piercing screams. She rushed to Todd's room and stood in the doorway. She was horrified to find Todd in a restraint and to hear what he was screaming.

"NO! NOOOOO! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME FIND MY MAMAAAA! PLEEEEASE! SHE WAS HERE. SHE CAME BACK FOR ME. SHE FORGIVES ME! SHE LOVES ME. SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES MEEEEE! LET ME FIND HER. OH GOOOOOD, I CAN'T LOSE HER AGAIN. LET GO OF MEEEEE! MAMA! MAMA! MAMAAAAAA!"

"Oh my God, what have I done?" Viki cried out. No one in the room had realized Viki was standing there. Before anyone had a chance to stop her, Viki rushed over to Todd. "Todd, oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted to help you."

"Viki, don't!" Susannah cautioned, but Viki didn't hear her.

Viki continued to confess to Todd. "Todd, I'm sorry. I told you I was Mama because I wanted to help you calm down. I wanted to help you not be so afraid. Sweetheart, I feel like I'm your mother. I love you as if you are my child. I would give anything to really be your mother. I'm sorry, Todd. I was trying to help you."

For a moment Todd had a shocked look on his face. He seemed to be quieting down. Susannah whispered to Connie to hold off injecting the sedative.

"Liar!" Todd whispered.

"What?" Viki asked, not sure she heard him right.

"Liar! You're lying to me. Viki, why are you lying to me? Is my father making you? He's back. Is he making you lie to me?"

"Todd, I'm not lying to you. Sweetheart, I did a terrible thing. I pretended I was Mama. I was trying to help you, but I shouldn't have done it. It made things worse for you."

"No! My mama came back for me. She forgives me," Todd whispered. Then with every bit of strength left in him he screamed, "LIAR! YOU'RE LYING TO ME VIKI. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE WITH MAMA. YOU WANT TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM HER! I HATE YOU! YOU MADE HER LEAVE ME AGAIN. YOU TOLD HER I WAS BAD AND NOT WORTH LOVING AND NOW SHE LEFT AGAIN. SHE LEFT ME WITH HIM AGAIN. HE'S HERE AND SHE LEFT ME WITH HIM. MAMAAAAA! MAMAAAAA! PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD! PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING. MAMA! MAMA! PLEEEEEEZE!" Todd shrieked like they had never heard him shriek before. It was as if they could hear his heart breaking. Using what little strength he had, he desperately tried to free himself from Dave and Carl, all the while continuing to scream for his mother.

Susannah gave the order to sedate him. "NOOOOOO!" Todd shrieked as he felt them turn him and felt the stick of the injection.

Todd continued to scream. He was fighting the sedative. He was transported to his bed, which had been set up with restraints. He did not stop screaming for one second. The powerful sedative was not even touching his despair. Viki made no attempt to go to Todd, even if they would allow her to.

Sam was allowed to stay in the room. Susannah had Sam try to talk him down again. It was of no use. Todd could not hear the words they said to soothe him. He was lost in his own agony. Twenty minutes had gone by and he had not calmed down in the slightest. He continued to shriek for his mother at the top of his lungs. His heart rate was 138. His pressure had gone up to two hundred over one hundred and ten. Susannah knew his body could not take any more. She ordered a second, even stronger, injection.

Viki could not cry. She was too stunned by the events of the day. She sat on the couch some distance away from Todd's room. His shrieks and cries filled the unit. She listened to Todd's screams for Mama, as he continued to shriek, "VIKI, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? MAMA DIDN'T GO AWAY. SHE LOVES ME! WHY DID YOU TELL HER I WAS BAD? WHYYYYY! MAMA! MAMAAAA PLEASE! COME BACK. I'M SORRYYYYY! MAMAAAAA!"

Viki knew she had done this to him. Her love had hurt him. Just like Barbara's had. Viki loved Todd more than anyone else on the face of the earth and she knew that she had hurt him so deeply that he might never be able to come back from it. "Todd, what have I done to you? Oh my sweet boy, what have I done? What have I done!" Viki whispered, to herself.

TO BE CONTINUED

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