"I'm right here Todd," answered. Sam placed his hand on Todd's head. Todd reached up without raising his head from the pillow and took Sam's hand. He continued to cry until he fell asleep.

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Todd had been back for three days. It surprised everyone that he was staying around for so long. In those three days Todd had lost much of the progress Tom and Timmy had made, physically. He refused to eat and he lost the five pounds that had taken almost three weeks to gain. His blood work was starting to show problems. Todd resisted getting out of bed or getting washed and dressed. If any attempts were made to get him to do any of these things he would escalate so quickly that sedation and restraints became necessary and that defeated the purpose of forcing him. Todd was retreating back into himself more each day.

Viki was sitting by Todd's side. He looked a mess. His hair was tangled. He was unshaven. He was once again very pale and drawn. Viki could see his entire rib cage through his pajama top whenever he took a breath. She thought back to last week, Dear lord, was it only last week? she thought. Tom and Timmy had been so happy to be home. They were eating and playing and seemed to have so much energy. How could Todd's body start deteriorating again so quickly? It was almost as if he were willing his body to shut down the same way he was able to shut his mind down.

Sam came in and kissed Todd hello. Todd reached out to him for a second and then put his hand down. He said nothing. Sam walked over to where Viki stood on the other side of the bed and put his arm around her.

"Have you been here all morning?" Sam whispered.

"Yes, I went to the paper but my mind wasn't on my work. Believe it or not Kevin noticed and suggested I come here to see Todd. He said, he would cover for me. Kevin's attitude has really changed since," looking at Todd, she said whispered back, "that incident at Christmas. I really think for the first time Kevin has some compassion for Todd."

Dave came into the room and told Sam and Viki that Susannah had asked him to sit with Todd for a while and that she wanted them to come to her office.

"Todd, Dave is going to stay with you for a while. Is that all right?" Viki asked. It took him a minute but he finally nodded. They all noticed how slow his reactions were.

"I got back Todd's latest labs and some problems are starting to pop up," Susannah got right to the point. "In addition to the danger of dehydration, his electrolytes are low again, his blood count is lower, his renal functions show a slight elevation. I'm going to have to put him back on an IV and if this persists I'm going to have to put him back on the feeding tube."

Susannah could see that Sam and Viki were heartbroken to hear this. "It's only been three days. How did he loose ground so quickly?" Sam couldn't understand.

"Todd's health is very fragile. It really doesn't take much. I think we are going to have to get a little tougher with Todd. I haven't pushed him and we have really been letting him do whatever he wants. I think I've done him a disservice. He's just going further into himself. He's severely depressed. He needs to get out of bed. He could end up getting pneumonia again."

"What's the point? He'll only end up in a restraint and sedated again and then he'll still be in bed and not eating or moving around," Viki said.

Susannah saw tears form in Viki's eyes. "Why do you think he's staying around for so long. Why haven't any of the alters come back?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," Susannah answered honestly. "Todd has certainly not followed the typical DID patient profile in many ways."

"Is that because his abuse was so much more severe than most?" Viki wondered.

"Possibly, I just don't know. I do know that I want Todd to start trying to participate in therapy. I want him up and out of bed and if possible in my office. I'll push him slowly and cautiously. If he begins to escalate I'll pull back."

Susannah then broached something else she wanted to discuss with them. "I also want him to start working with Ryan Morgan. He specializes in rehabilitating blind patients. Todd needs to learn how to walk and dress and feed himself. He needs to be able to learn to do basic hygiene for himself."

Viki and Sam didn't want Todd pushed that much. "Susannah, isn't it a little soon to be putting him through that?" Viki protested. "We know that he is not really blind. Perhaps it will just go away as quickly as it came."

"And if it doesn't? Viki, Todd can get his vision back in an hour or he could be like this for a very long time. He has to learn how to fend for himself."

"What if you just told him that his blindness was not real? How could he still stay blind once he knows there is nothing physically wrong with him and that his alters can see?" Sam was trying to find a way to spare Todd from having to go through additional therapy.

Susannah shook her head. "I'm afraid that at this point that would do more harm than good. Just the fact that Todd is so terrified of his blindness, so terrified of the dark and yet stays blind tells me that he desperately needs it right now. If I were to take it away from him at this point it could make things much worse. I believe the best thing to do for the time being is for Todd to learn how to function without his vision and to at least gain some independence with the basics. He will not be put through the extensive rehab that someone who has physically and permanently lost their vision would be put through. He just needs to learn how to get around safely, how to feed himself, how to tell time. You know how important being able to tell time is to Todd," Susannah reminded them.

Sam nodded. "You know, I remember that even as a kid having a watch and knowing what time it was, all the time, was so important to him. I remember this one time his watchband tore and his watch fell down and broke. He really freaked out. He was in a panic over not knowing what time it was. I thought it was because Peter kept him on a tight schedule and he was afraid of being late. Now I realize it was because he needed to know if he had missed time. He needed to know how much time he had to account for. My God! What a tortured life he had!" The sorrow in his voice palpable.

"I think not knowing what time it is just one more thing that has left Todd disoriented. As soon as I feel that Todd can handle it ,I will let him know that physically, he is not blind. In the meantime he has to be able to function." They knew Susannah was right. They still hated the thought of Todd being put through all that.

"Sam," Susannah began, "I know because of everything that happened, you and Tea put off seeing Bo again. When do you plan on playing the tape for him?"

Poor Sam, Viki thought, There's so much pressure on him, pressure to be there for Todd, pressure to make sure Todd is not questioned by the police. Most of all, there's so much pressure his guilt for allowing Todd to stay with Peter is putting on him.

"I waited this long I think I may as well wait until right after New Year. We'll go to see him on the second," Sam was saying. He laughed bitterly, shook his head and added, "how is that for irony?" They all realized that January second was Todd's birthday. Fifteen years to the day that Michelle died.

They headed back to Todd's room. They could see that Todd was slipping into his own world. His face was expressionless and his eyes were blank. The only way they knew that he was still partially in their reality was because he was shivering.

"Todd, I want to speak with you. Todd." Susannah called to him and turned his face towards hers.

Todd didn't respond. Susannah continued anyway. "Todd, we need to start an IV on you." Todd said nothing. They knew some part of him heard her because he folded his arms around his torso.

"Todd, your electrolytes are low and that could cause disturbances in your heart rhythm. You are also dehydrated and your body needs nutrients." He closed his arms around him even tighter. "Todd, I'm not going to fool around with this. You're getting one more chance to allow us to put the IV in your hand. If you don't, we will help you to hold still so it can be done."

The firmness and no nonsense tone in Susannah's voice surprised Sam and Viki.

"It's dark," Todd mumbled. His arms dropped to his side.

"Todd?" she called to him "Todd?" She repeated. She once again turned his face towards hers. Susannah looked up at Sam and Viki and shook her head. Todd had broken his association with the world around him. He had "gone away inside his head."

An IV was started. Dave got Todd cleaned up and sat him in a chair. Todd offered no resistance. He was oblivious to it all. Viki put her arms around Todd and hugged him to her.

"Todd, oh Todd, I wish I could take some of the hurt away from you. Do you have any idea how much I love you? You are closer to my heart then any human being on this earth. Todd, you know I will never let you go. No matter how hard you try to will yourself away from us, I'm here, holding on to you. Do you know you are a part of me? You are a part of my heart, and my soul. Little brother, I won't let you leave me. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I need you in my life. Sam needs you in his life. Todd, I know you're in there. I don't know if you can hear me, but I know you're in there. I'm going to fight for you until you can fight for yourself. When you can reach out I'll always be right here for you. I'll never leave you, baby. Sam, Tea, Starr, even Blair are all here for you and none of them will ever leave you. You never have to be afraid of being alone again. Never!" Viki lifted his face by the chin and looked at him. His eyes were blank.

"Todd," Viki whispered. She pulled his head against her and rested her cheek against the top of his head.

They kept Todd in the chair for a couple of hours. After he was put back in bed, Viki and Sam went home for the night. They had never formally decided to live together. Viki had spoken to Sam about her childhood. She explained to him that though she was now definitely one person, the scars of what Victor had done to her still remains in some ways. She explained that she had not had sexual relations with anyone since she remembered that her father raped her. Viki told Sam that she was not completely comfortable in her own body yet. Sam understood. Todd had taught him how devastating a parent's abuse can be to the child, even as an adult.

The first few times Sam stayed over he and Viki just stayed up most of the night, talking. He stayed in a guest room. He was there for Viki if she needed him and she was there for him. One night Viki became very upset while talking about Todd. Sam came to her bed that night, but just held her and comforted her. Both shared the same sorrow. Both felt the need of a warm body next to them, to share the pain.

Sam had stayed over that night, then another, and another. Slowly, the things he brought with him added up and before he knew it, he had more of his things at Viki's house than at his hotel room.

Viki loved seeing Sam's things in their room, as she had begun to think of her bedroom. Viki began to feel safe and loved when Sam was with her. She started to have feelings she had not felt in a long time. Not since before she had remembered the rape. After all these months of being together, Viki felt comfortable with Sam, but more than that she felt safe, and safe, was everything. Sam truly knew and understood how she felt. He had no intention of rushing Viki into anything she wasn't ready for.

Viki knew that Sam's experience with Todd had also given him insight into her feelings that no one else had. She started to feel alive in Sam's arms. The part of her she thought had died was once again alive. It had been too long since someone had shared Viki's room, and her bed, and her life. Still, as much as Viki wanted to be with Sam in every way, "it" was still there. Those same feelings that haunted her the last time she had tried to make love with Clint. Viki hated those feelings and she hated her father for what he'd done to her.

She prayed for and dreamed about the day she, Sam and Todd would all be a family. Those few days Todd had been home gave Viki a little taste of what that would be like. She knew that like her, Sam wanted to give Todd the family he never had, a home where he was loved and respected, and parents who cherished him. A place to be, and feel safe. Viki knew what it was like to grow up without a safe place. She wanted better for Todd. Viki knew what she wanted Todd to learn that things can get better. You may have to use every ounce of strength you've been given, but it is possible to pull yourself out of the darkness. Viki fell asleep with her head resting on Sam's chest, his arm around her. Tomorrow she would try, once again, to take Todd's hand and pull him from the darkness.

The phone jarred Sam and Viki awake. It was three-thirty in the morning. Both their hearts raced. Viki answered the phone.

"Viki, it's Susannah. Todd is all right. Don't be frightened. I'm sorry to call you at this hour. I just got a call from Connie. Todd came out of it. She didn't know if he had a nightmare or what. He is very agitated. He's calling for you and Sam. He keeps repeating that you're both gone forever and never coming back again. I'm on my way there now. I would prefer not to have to medicate him anymore than I already have and . . ."

"We're on our way," Viki declared.

"Thanks, I'll see you there," Susannah replied.

Susannah was already with Todd when Sam and Viki arrived. "Todd, I just spoke with Viki. She and Sam are on their way. They did not leave you. Why would you think they're not coming back?"

Hearing this, as they walked into the room, Viki and Sam rushed over to the chair where Todd sat. "Todd, we're here. It's all right. We're here."

Todd reached out, with both his hands, in the direction of Viki's voice. Viki moved closer to him. When he felt her standing next to him he put his arms around her waist and buried his head in her stomach and hugged her to him tightly.

They were all surprised by Todd's actions. This was so unlike him. Todd, who cringed at being touched, who had never hugged Viki or anyone like this was now clinging on to her the way Timmy and Tom did.

"I thought you'd gone away forever, that you were never coming back again," Todd's voice was muffled by Viki's body.

"Sweetheart, what would make you think that? Sam and I will never leave you, never! Did you have a bad dream?"

"I don't remember," Todd whimpered softly. He was still clinging to Viki.

"Is Sam here?" Todd asked in a childlike way.

Sam stepped a little closer. "I'm right here Boomer," Sam assured him and rubbed Todd's back.

"It's cold. Why is it always so cold? I hate being out in the cold." Viki felt Todd shivering.

"Would you like to get back into bed?" Susannah suggested. Todd held on to Viki even tighter.

Viki stroked his head, "It's all right sweetheart. You can get back into bed and get under the covers. We'll be right here with you. We won't leave."

"Come on, Boomer," Sam said, taking Todd's arm and encouraging him to stand up, "It's the middle of the night. Let's get you back into bed." Once back in bed, Todd held on to Viki's hand until he fell asleep.

"Susannah, what is going on with him?" Sam asked as soon as they were in the lounge area.

"Sam, I'm not sure. I suspect the blindness is a factor. I suspect the battle to keep from remembering has escalated. We keep Todd's room at least eighty degrees at all times yet he is constantly cold. Now of course some of that has to do with his physical condition, but did you notice how he said he hated being out in the cold. Not that he hated being cold, but being out in it."

"As if a part of him is still in the woods, burying Michelle," Viki realized.

"I am going to have to start pressing Todd a little harder to get to some of those feeling he has buried inside him." Susannah informed them.

"Susannah! He's already made himself blind not to have to face that night. What's going to happen if you force him into facing feelings he doesn't want to look at?" Sam clearly did not think this was a good idea.

"I can't force Todd to feel, face or remember anything, even if I wanted to. I cannot keep him from disassociating. He can escape anytime he needs to. I just want to press him to do therapy with me a little more. I would never force him beyond his limitations."

Sam still didn't see the point in it. "And then what? So he's doing therapy with you and he feels or remembers something that's been too painful for him to face. What happens . . . he becomes an infant again, or one of the alters or a new one come out, or he just goes away? What's the point? It seems that we just keep going in circles and while were all spinning around Todd is suffering."

Susannah felt as frustrated as Sam did. She was determined to help Todd. "Well, Sam, what do you suggest we do? Just stop? Just leave Todd as he is? Do you think his suffering would end if the therapy stops?" Susannah looked directly as Sam as she asked this.

Susannah didn't want to admit it, but she was getting angry with herself. She knew that everything she had tried so far had not really helped Todd the way she had hoped. Yes, in some ways he was healing. Tom and Timmy were able to get more enjoyment out of life and at least Susannah knew many of the secrets. She had a better picture of what they were dealing with, but at what cost? Todd's physical health was deteriorating. He had almost died. He has willed himself blind, and now what? This new need to have Sam and Viki be in same room with him. This need to physically cling to them. Todd, himself, seemed to be regressing to a more child-like state.

Susannah would have to wait if she planned on getting any answers out of Todd. It was Timmy who awoke in the morning. Timmy smiled when he saw Viki and held out his arms for a hug.

"Good morning sweetheart," Viki greeted him. She hugged him to her.

"How do you feel?" Susannah asked.

"Okay," Timmy responded. He noticed the IV in his arm again. Timmy started to cry and take it out. They all had to, once again, explain it's purpose and calm him down about it. He stopped trying to pull it out, but he remained frightened and unhappy.

Nancy came in to take his vitals. Viki sat on the bed and put her arm around Timmy and hugged him to her. She knew that even having vitals done frightened him.

"Everything's fine, Timmy," Nancy stated, more for Viki and Sam's benefit than for Timmy's. "Frank will be right in to help you get washed and dressed. Okay?" Timmy just stared at her.

Nancy turned to Viki and Sam. "Doctor Hanen wants him out of bed and cleaned up."

When Frank came in Timmy was already out of bed and playing with a "follow the dot" book. Frank was able to get him cleaned and dressed without a problem. Sam needed to get to Tea's office. He had things he had to discuss with her. Timmy was a little upset that Sam was leaving but Viki kept him occupied by doing a puzzle with him.

Viki asked Lisa to make Timmy a Fluffernuter sandwich for breakfast. She got him to eat half the sandwich and finish his milk and juice. Viki asked for the TV go be brought into Timmy. After breakfast, while watching cartoons, Timmy fell asleep in Viki arms. She gently lowered him to the bed and covered him up and went to call Kevin. There were some papers from the Pressman's union that Viki had to look over and sign and she needed them brought to her. She and Kevin had been going over them the other day and he knew where they were. Kevin surprised her when, instead of having the papers messengered over, he brought them to her himself.

"How's he doing?" Kevin asked as he looked over to the sleeping Timmy.

Viki studied her son for a moment. She wanted to make sure his interest was genuine. Satisfied that it was, she answered, "He had a bad night but he's all right now. Timmy was the last one out. He's the one who fell asleep."

Kevin felt an immediate pang of guilt. Timmy, oh man! He's the one I hurt, Kevin thought. Kevin looked at Timmy's face. He could still see a discoloration around his left eye. A regular Band-Aid had replaced the butterfly bandage on the cut above his eyebrow. Kevin remembered how hard he had thrown the football. He cringed at the memory of what he had done.

"Mom, you look tired. Why don't you go outside and rest a while? I'll stay here and let you know if he starts to wake up."

"I don't know Kevin, are you sure you want to?" Viki was not used to Kevin's new attitude.

"Mom, you'll be right outside. I'll tell you what. Why don't I go to the cafeteria and get you some breakfast, then you can relax and eat it in the lounge while you go over those papers." Viki hesitated for a minute, but Kevin's suggestion did sound tempting and his interest seemed genuine.

"All right," Viki agreed. Viki hugged her son and said, "Thank you honey." Kevin nodded his head and went to get the food. CONTINUED IN PART 41B

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