"Who's screaming at you?" "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds like my fath . . ." and before Todd could get the word out he was gone.

*************************************************************************************************************

"He never could take it. He's almost as much of a wimp as Tom is," the voice sneered. Susannah knew Pete had come out.

"You stupid bitch, did you really think Todd could handle finding out about us?" Pete taunted, with a smirk on his face.

"I think Todd handled it very well. He stayed long enough to hear me out. I believe Todd is a lot stronger than you think he is. For that matter so is Tom. Does thinking they are weak make you feel stronger Pete?"

Pete was shocked to hear Susannah call him by name, but he didn't let on. Pete reached out and grabbed Susannah's face and asked, "Would you like to find out how strong I am?"

Susannah looked directly into Pete's eyes. She could find none of the warmth or even the fear that she had seen in the eyes of any of the other alters or in Todd's. Pete let go of her.

"You're not going to scare me away Pete. I care too much about helping all of you to be scared away," Susannah informed him.

"It doesn't matter. You'll leave, sooner or later they all leave."

"Who's 'they', Pete? Who are you talking about?"

"You know, women, every one of them a liar! Oh yeah, they love you, they will always be there for you and then they stick it to you first chance they get. You're all the same!" Pete practically spit out the last words.

"Who was the first woman to 'stick' it to you Pete? Was it your mother?" Susannah expected Pete to blow up at her question. Instead, he looked at her coldly and said, "I have no mother! I never had a mother or a father. Lucky me!"

"Pete, everyone had to have had parents or they couldn't be here."

"Well, if I did, I never met them, so like I said, lucky me. Who needs them anyway? I can take care of myself. I always could. No one hurts me! No one ever has and no one ever will! I would kill them first and that includes you Doctor Hanen! Did you think that if you told Todd about us, it would give him some kind of leverage to use against us. That's not gonna happen. I have spent my whole life helping Todd and taking care of things for him. Things he was never man enough to do for himself!"

Susannah could see how tense Pete's muscles were. "Pete, will you tell me about how you came to help Todd, about the first time you came out?"

This time Pete grabbed Susannah by the hair, hurting her. Then, with his face only an inch from Susannah's, he threatened in a whisper, "I'll only warn you this time. Don't ever ask me that again. You had better learn to mind your own damn business, Doctor, if you're as smart as you think you are." Then as quickly as Pete had come, he was gone.

"Pete has never known how to treat a woman."

Susannah was caught off guard by this voice that she hadn't heard before and asked, "We've never met before have we?"

"No, we haven't. My name is Rodd and I want to apologize for Pete's unnecessary roughness," Rodd said, holding out his hand for Susannah to shake.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Rodd. Susannah took his hand. "I want to learn as much as I can about each of you. Will you tell me about yourself?"

Pete smiled at Susannah's question. "Yes, of course I will, but there is not much to tell. Unlike poor Todd, I come from a very happy home. My mother is a wonderful woman. She took very good care of my sisters and me. She was always there for us. My father . . . what can I say. He is a good man, kind and gentle. We always did things together; museums, the opera. My father took me everywhere. At nights he would come in and read to me and sing to me. He would always tell me how much he loved me. He taught me to be good and generous to women. Ask Blair. I got out often when Todd was with Blair. He had just found out he was not Peter's son, and there was so much confusion going on, even Pete was not himself. I was able to get out more. When I was around, Blair was treated like a queen. I wish I had the chance to treat Tea like a queen, but someone else is always with her. Maybe someday," Rodd wished hopefully.

This young man amazed Susannah. "Were you the one who was out through most of Todd's relationship with Blair?

"No, not through most of it, but through a lot of it. Pete was out for some of it and so was Todd. He was out the most when his daughter was sick. I have to say he surprised us all. He stayed out and took care of Starr and did what had to be done. We didn't get to feel Todd's feelings much when the little girl was sick."

"I'm sorry Rodd, I don't understand what you mean." Susannah wanted clarity.

"We usually get strong feelings from Todd. For instance, he is so afraid most of the time. He is always in a panic. We feel that inside, all that fear and panic. It is not very comfortable to feel that. It really upsets the children. When his little Starr was sick, he was numb most of the time. Yes, he was very afraid for her, but he did not let himself feel the fear because he was more afraid of going away and leaving her."

"Rodd, do you consider Starr to be your daughter?"

Rodd tilted his head slightly as he thought about Susannah's question. "Biologically, maybe, but in the heart, in the soul, no, she is Todd's. His love for her is so strong. It is one of the only things Todd feels that is not painful for the rest of us to feel," Rodd admitted.

"Has Todd ever had sexual relations with Blair or was it always you?" Susannah asked.

"Todd can hold and kiss a woman, but then things get too uncomfortable for him. I remember the first time Blair and Todd got together. It was Christmas time, several years ago. Todd was afraid Blair would be hurt the same way that girl Marty was hurt. Also, Todd does not like to be touched. It doesn't cause him the kind of pain it causes our poor Jimmy, but it does hurt him and makes him uncomfortable. The only one whose touch Todd doesn't mind is Starr's. Poor Todd, he doesn't know what he's missing," Rodd shook his head back and forth. He looked as if he was feeling great compassion for Todd.

Rodd continued. "Of course, he was right to be afraid for Blair. She did have a way of making Pete angry. When he would come out, Blair was in danger. One time Pete almost . . ."

Rodd stopped talking and looked around. Susannah could see he was getting nervous. "Rodd, is something wrong?"

"I think I have said enough about Pete," Rodd confessed, anxiously.

Susannah didn't want to pressure him so she changed the subject. She noticed he had a slight continental accent.

"Rodd, where are you from?"

"All over Europe. My father is a musician. We traveled all over. Our house was always filled with music, music and laughter. My parents never cared how much noise we made. They just wanted us to be happy. I don't remember much of it. I was too young I guess, but what I do remember is how devoted to us my parents were and how much they loved us. They were always hugging and kissing each other, and us. So much love. I miss them. Someday when Todd doesn't need me so much I will go back to them. They will come for me and we will be together again."

Susannah saw the tears that had formed in Rodd's eyes as the "memories" of his family came back to him. "You will help Todd, yes? Then he will be able to live without us and we can go back to our lives." Rodd asked, hopefully.

Susannah realized that, like Pete and Miss Perkins, Rodd did not think of himself as an alter. He did not want to be integrated. He wanted to be free.

"Don't people notice your accent when you pretend to be Todd?" Susannah asked.

"No, I can imitate Todd and no one is the wiser. But with you, Doctor Hanen, I can be myself. It is a relief to be able to do that, to be able to tell someone who I am. I hate for anyone to think of me as Todd, and I really hate to be confused with Pete," Rodd explained.

"How old are you, Rodd?" Susannah inquired. "Twenty-eight, the same as Todd,"

"How old was Todd when you came to help him?"

"He was nineteen and in college when I came. He needed help keeping up with his teammates in 'certain departments' and, not to brag, but that is what I do best. Todd, as I said, doesn't like to get close to anyone. I have no such problem. I am a very happy man. I love life, I love music, and I love women. I love to be kind and generous with them and to share all I have with them."

Susannah realized that Rodd handled Todd's sexuality. Rodd allowed himself to be happy by creating this happy childhood.

"I do have a problem though," Rodd confessed, "I will be the first to admit I am not very strong. I live to love, not to fight. It is hard for me to get out most times. Todd's pain is too strong for me to get through and Pete, Pete's anger is much too strong to get through. I don't really get out too often. So if I don't get to see much of you, I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to help you to help Todd. Now if you will excuse me I am tired. This admitting who you are takes a lot out a person. I think I need a nap," Rodd admitted.

He lay back and closed his eyes. Susannah, realizing how exhausted she was, smiled to herself and thought, I think I need a nap too.

Viki looked at the clock. It was ten in the morning. Sam would be coming by for her at eleven. She was a little surprised at her own feelings. She was really looking forward to seeing Sam. Viki had not felt this way in a long time. She wondered how much of it had to do with the love they shared for "their kid" as they had come to think of Todd. What she did know was that she was very glad to have Sam to share this with and she couldn't imagine not having him in her life right now.

Sam had already finished showering and dressing. As he had his breakfast, he was thinking about Viki, about all she'd been through and how strong she was. He thought about how much he respected her and liked spending time with her. He knew that right now their priority had to be Todd and he was happy that both he and Todd had Viki there for them.

Sam rang the bell at eleven on the dot. "You certainly are punctual," Viki praised him, smiling.

"It's easy when you're looking forward to the place you are going to," Sam replied.

"Would you like some coffee or something to eat?" Viki asked.

"No thanks, I'm fine. Did you speak with Susannah today?" Sam was anxious to know.

"Yes, actually, I spoke with her this morning. She told Todd about the DID. He knows. She said he didn't really believe her. Pete came out."

"Pete?" Sam asked nervously.

"I know," Viki confirmed Sam's fears, "but Todd is all right. Susannah said, physically Todd is well enough to leave his room and she is going to start seeing him in her office. As a matter of fact he's scheduled for a session right about now."

This was the first time Todd had been allowed out of his room. He hated being escorted to Susannah's office. It reminded him of being in jail. A part of him wanted to try and ditch the large, hefty techs and run, but he was just too tired, too tired of running, too tired of fighting, and just plain tired. He knew he had missed a lot of time in the past few days, ever since he admitted to Susannah that he has "blank spots."

"When he was there all he could think about was what she had told him. That like his sister, he has all these people running around inside him. Just thinking about it made him feel sick to his stomach. He wanted to talk to Viki, but was embarrassed. Even if it was the same thing she had, he didn't want her to know about him. He didn't want Sam to know, and he certainly didn't want Tea to know. What Todd didn't realize was that all of them had already come to recognize some of his alters.

"Hello Todd. How does it feel to be out of your room?" Susannah asked. She was now able to tell by the way that each personality carried themselves who was who. Todd just looked around the office and didn't say anything. Coming out from behind her desk, Susannah pointed to some chairs in the middle of the room and said, "Why don't we sit here?"

Todd sat down on one of the club chairs. Sitting opposite from him, Susannah asked, "Do you remember what we spoke about the other day, about the DID? You haven't been around much and I've been waiting for a chance to talk with you."

Todd wanted to ask what he had been doing during the time he didn't remember, but he was afraid to. "Yeah, I remember," he admitted.

"Do you have any questions? Do you want to know more about what I told you?"

Todd had about a million questions but he said, "No, no questions."

Susannah wanted him to learn more about his condition and more about the alters. Nevertheless, she knew he didn't want to talk about it and didn't want to push him. She wanted him to be able to stay Todd for their session.

"Todd," Susannah began slowly. "Can you tell me about the first time you remember losing time, how old were you?"

Todd thought back and said, "About three or four I guess, I know I wasn't in school yet."

"Do you remember what you were doing right before you went away for the first time? What was happening to you that day?"

"No, I don't I . . ."

Todd suddenly had a flash of a new, red toy car and then he saw it shattered against the wall and break into a hundred pieces.

"Todd, what are you seeing? Tell me what you're seeing," Susannah pressed.

"Nothing, it's stupid." "Tell me anyway," Susannah coaxed.

"A toy car, a stupid, red toy car."

"Was there something special about it?"

"I think my mom bought it for me and it broke," Todd answered.

"How did it break?" Susannah asked.

"What do you mean, how did it break? It broke; it ended up in a hundred pieces. I don't know how it broke."

"It sounds as if someone broke it deliberately. Did you break it?"

"No! I didn't break it. Why would I purposely break my own toy! My mom gave me that toy, she . . ."

Todd felt tears well up in his eyes and didn't understand why. "Nothing happened, it was a hundred years ago. It was just a stupid toy car," Todd replied.

He sounded more afraid than angry. He stood up and went to look out the window. He wished he could open it. He wanted to feel the air on his face. He felt like he had been in the hospital forever.

"Todd, what was different about that day? Who broke the toy car? Was your mother in the room when the car broke?"

Todd wanted Susannah to stop talking. He didn't want to think about that night. He didn't remember it and he wanted to leave it that way. Then he started to hear them fighting, two voices, they sounded like his parents. Todd put his hands up to his ears to shut it out.

Susannah walked over to him and prodded, "What are you hearing? Tell me."

Todd squeezed his eyes shut and pleaded, "Make it stop! Make it be quiet." Todd turned toward the wall and started banging his head against it.

Susannah quickly placed herself between Todd and the wall and held him by the shoulders. "Todd stop, you're going to hurt yourself. I want you to come and sit down with me."

Susannah's voice stayed calm. She lead him over to the chairs. He sat down. Suddenly his body jerked as if something had startled him. "Todd, I want you to tell me what's happening. Are you seeing something?"

"Someone threw the car against the wall. They're fighting. Make it stop! I don't want to hear the noise anymore! It's never quiet. Make it quiet. Please! Make it quiet!" Todd's voice filled with panic.

"Who's fighting? Who threw the car? Todd, try to calm down and just look at what you're seeing. It's not happening now. Just look at it from the outside. You're not there. You're here and you're safe." Susannah did not want an alter to come out. She wanted Todd to try and remember what had happened.

"I don't know. It's just voices. They're loud and angry. Please make them stop!" Todd begged, covering his ears again.

Suddenly it got quiet. The voices stopped fighting, but that didn't make Todd feel better. He just started to feel more frightened, as if something terrible were going to happen.

"I wanna go back to my room. I don't wanna be here," he pleaded.

"Todd what happened after the car got broken? What came next?" Susannah persisted. Todd felt as if he were on fire. His whole body felt like it was burning and then he couldn't breath. He felt like he was drowning. Susannah was talking to him but he could no longer hear her. He tried to reach out to her but she seemed too far away.

"No! No! It's too hot!" Timmy cried out, jumping up and backing himself into the wall. He slid down when he felt the wall against his back.

"What's too hot Timmy?" Susannah asked, recognizing the child's voice.

Timmy started gasping for breath. Susannah rushed to him and put her arm around his shoulders and said, "Timmy listen to me. It's Doctor Hanen. You're here with me. Can you feel me holding you? You're safe. It's not happening now. Timmy, it's okay you can breath. It's not happening now."

"I can't breathe in the water," Timmy cried, coughing and still unable to breathe. "Mommy! Mommy! I want my mommy." He was still gasping for breath.

Susannah held him even tighter and assured him. "Timmy, try to feel me holding you. You're not with your mommy and daddy. You're here with me and you're very safe."

Timmy, feeling the warmth and comfort of Susannah's touch, started to return to the present. Susannah could feel his body slowly start to relax. His breathing became more even. He looked up at her and said, "You're not my mommy."

"No, sweetie I'm not, my name is Susannah Hanen. I'm your doctor. Do you remember me?"

Timmy nodded yes and said, "I don't want to go upstairs with Daddy. Do I have to? It's gonna hurt."

"What's Daddy going to do that will make it hurt? It's okay to tell me."

Timmy buried his head in Susannah's shoulder and wept, "No, I'm afraid. Don't let him hurt me."

"Timmy what does he do to hurt you? What happens 'upstairs'? What does daddy do to you? It's safe to tell me. It's not happening now. Now you're here with me and daddy can't come here," Susannah soothed, stroking his head.

"I don't like daddy's new game, it hurts. I wish mommy would make him stop."

"Where is your mommy? What's she doing while daddy plays the game?" Susannah pressed, feeling sick to her stomach.

"Most of the time she's sleeping. Sometimes she goes out. Daddy gets extra mad when she goes out. Daddy got mad because mommy took me out and bought me a toy. Mommy got hurt cause of me. Daddy broke my toy. I don't wanna go upstairs! Mommy is supposed to give me my bath. I don't wanna go upstairs with Daddy."

Susannah could hear panic starting in his voice again. His breathing was becoming erratic. She knew she had to end the session. She put her hand under his chin and lifted his head up and said, "Timmy. Timmy, look at me." Timmy looked at her; his frightened eyes stared directly into hers.

"You're not in your house anymore. You're here with me. Mommy and daddy aren't here. This is my office." Timmy looked around. "Tell me what you see?" Susannah instructed.

Timmy described her office to her. "You see, you're not in your house. You're in my office and you're safe. You look tired sweetie, would you like to go back to your room?"

"I wanna stay with you." Timmy buried his head back in Susannah's shoulder. Tears sprung to Susannah's eyes. She hugged him tighter and said. "Well sweetie, you can still stay with me. We'll go to your room together. You have games and puzzles and comic books in your room. Hmmm, wanna go back there with me?" Susannah asked, rubbing his back.

Timmy nodded and said, "Okay."

Susannah helped him put together a puzzle. She stayed in his room until he fell asleep. She left instructions with the nurse that she was to be called immediately if he became upset in any way. As Susannah was about to head back to her office she saw Sam and Viki get off the elevator.

"How's he doing?" Sam asked. "He's sleeping now. Let's go to my office and talk," Susannah suggested. Viki felt concerned and asked. "Susannah is he worse?"

"No, he's not, but it is very difficult to try and get him to remember anything. It is so painful and frightening for Todd that he disassociates into an alter or has a flashback as soon as I approach anything from his childhood. As soon as he starts a session he wants to stop. He's terrified. That's why I wanted to speak with both of you. There are some things I want to try with Todd. I think it would be helpful to him if he would discuss his illness with you both, especially with Viki. Right now he is terrified of it and embarrassed by it."

Viki did not want Todd to have to feel the shame she did. "Todd knows I had the same illness," Viki said.

"Viki, I don't think Todd ever really understood your problem. He refers to it as 'people running around your head,' but I don't think he actually associates your illness with what has been happening to him since he was three or four years old."

"Three or four?" Sam asked, horrified by the thought that things were so horrible for Todd at that tender age. Continuing, Susannah said, "I'm going to ask Todd to give me his permission to discuss some of the specifics of his case with you. Of course, I will make it clear to him that if there is anything he wants kept private I will honor his wishes. I also want to start using art and play therapy with Todd and the alters, and Viki, I want your permission to start using hypnotherapy on Todd."

Viki who was familiar with this technique from her own therapy did not have as much of a problem with Susannah's request as Sam did.

"You want to start hypnotizing him? What if that proves too traumatic? What if you get him to remember something he can't handle, something that will push him over the edge?" Sam was frightened for Todd. Also, he was still feeling guilt over pushing Todd to remember the night he tried to kill Peter.

"I wouldn't push Todd to remember anything that wasn't safe for him to remember. If he can't handle something he recalls, he won't remember it when he wakes up," Susannah answered, trying to reassure Sam.

"Susannah, Todd is terrified of losing control. Trust is a big problem for him. Do you think you can hypnotize him?" Viki asked.

"I'm not sure. I believe that I could easily get Timmy or Tom into a trance. I need to know what traumas Todd is dealing with in order to help him to remember them and it would also help to keep him calm. I don't want to have to keep him so heavily medicated that he can't function."

Viki and Sam looked at each other. Viki could see Sam still wasn't sure this was the right thing to do. Susannah said, "I'm going to go to lunch. Why don't you two stay here and discuss it while I'm gone. If you like you can visit with Todd. I'll be back in about an hour."

"Sam," Viki began, "I trust Susannah. I trusted her with my own sanity and I trust her with Todd's. She won't do anything to hurt him."

Sam thought for a moment. He then said to Viki, "I guess you know best. I just didn't realize how hard and painful this would be for him. God only knows what that monster did to him."

"Sam, he's going to get through this. He found a way to get through his childhood. He found a way to get through prison and he found a way to get through Ireland. Todd is a fighter. This may be the hardest fight he'll have to get through, but I know my brother and he will get through it. We have to be strong enough to help him. Even if it means doing things that seem to cause him more pain. You taught me that."

Sam put his arms around Viki and said, "Yeah, I know. Now let's go visit 'our kid.'"

TO BE CONTINUED

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