ONLY YOU - LOVE IS BLINDNESS

PREVIOUSLY

He had started to think he could fix it, but he was deluding himself. They were wrong, he would never be anything more than what he was. It hurt, after allowing himself to begin to hope, to have reality crashing back in. But he was better off this way, at least he knew the truth. He could see it now, that he had failed utterly at everything he had ever done, school, business, marriage, family.. But Starr, wait.. No, she was better off without him, he would mess that up too. There was nothing left for him to do. Nothing left.

He stared into the dark water, and waited for it to pull him under.

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When Tea stormed off of the docks that night she was shaking with anger, breathing hard, not watching where she was going.. She nearly crashed into a sign post, and slowed down. Stop, breathe, regain control. But there was nothing she could do; no matter how far she ran from the scene, it still followed her.

It was the look of him; it haunted her. She could see, though she had tried not to, the terrible state he was in. God knows what he had been doing all this time, he was never very good at taking care of himself, not in that way at least. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see him, unsteady, lost, hopeless and exhausted. In the old days it would have brought her back to his side, aching to heal his hurts. She knew better now, there was nothing she could do for him. She had given everything she had, and it wasn't enough. Never would be enough. But the knowledge couldn't stop her from worrying. Underneath the fury, as it burned itself away, she could feel the doubt. It had seemed so real.. No, there was NO chance. But what if..?

She stopped in her tracks without quite understanding why, and turned back. She felt as though she were guided by a force beyond her control. Perhaps she had been, all along. She came within sight of Todd, crouching by the water's edge, and concealed herself just out of his sight. I have to know that he's faking, she told herself. He'll slip up, and I'll know.. As long as this tiny sliver of doubt pierced her thoughts, she would not have peace. Tea could not rest until she knew she was right.

But he sat, unmoving, by the edge of the docks, staring into the water. She could not see his face, but he was tense, tightly wound, she could tell by the way he held his shoulders, and clenched his hands tightly by his side. She waited impatiently for the mistake, waiting for him to prove beyond doubt that his struggle just then was for show, to play with her mind, and not genuine in the slightest. She was utterly confused. She wanted him to be faking, so that she could be angry with him.. so she could hate him.. so she would know the truth.. so his pain would not be real.. so she would not be tormented with the thought that he was suffering, somehow.. What was the truth? Would she ever know?

He sat very still for the longest time, and Tea stood nearby (I can wait just as long as you can, Todd, if not longer) and watched him. When he finally moved, she almost didn't see it. He was reaching into his coat pocket, and he pulled out a cell phone. He stared at it for some time, trying to decide.. (What are you doing, Todd?) He then pulled a scrap of paper from his pocket, and dialed.. Tea listened closely, this may give her what she needs…

"..Hello Black, I know you're there! Pick up!… Okay, well. It's Todd, er, Todd Manning. You said to call… But you're not there.. I'm not around anymore, I'm back in Llanview, and I-.. Oh hell, never mind." He hung up. Tea could see his face now, and he looked immensely frustrated, but he was not giving up yet. With some hesitation, he dialed the second number. He let it ring a long time. When he finally spoke, Tea could barely hear him.

"It's Todd. Manning… Yeah, I know.. I called your other number and got the machine.. No, it's not anything.. well… Okay, well, I'm back in Llanview… Yes… No… No!… It sucks. It's all wrong…"

"Well, um, I'm calling because.. Well, you said if there's an emergency.. It's not anything really.. I was at the docks, and I was doing it again.. Yeah.. Tea found me.. Yeah, that one.. I, well, woke up, and I was here, and I don't remember coming here….. I yelled at her, and she left…" He paused for a long time, then started to protest. "You ARE? You didn't tell me that.. No, you should have told me that.. You don't have to come here.. No, wait.. Yeah, I can wait here awhile.

Alright.." He hung up, and slowly put the phone away.

Tea waited. She waited while he sat back down, hunched over staring into the water. It was cold, and she was shivering. She tried not to think too hard about what she was doing, because then she would have to ask herself what she was really waiting for, and why.. But she had no answers. She just knew she couldn't leave him then.

An indeterminate amount of time passed, it could have been minutes, or hours, but all of a sudden she felt a hand on her shoulder, and a voice said quietly into her ear, "Just what do you think you're doing?"

She jumped, and nearly screamed as she whirled around. The man quickly put his finger to his lips to silence her, gesturing at Todd. He motioned for her to follow him out of hearing range. She watched him warily, still breathing hard from her fright. Eventually, she followed him a little ways away.

As they stepped into better light, she looked over her companion. He was an older man, wearing a long gray coat, spectacles perched on his nose. He was only slightly taller than herself, but broad, and gave off the appearance of great stature. His hair, she could see beneath his hat, was greying, as was his beard. His eyes were a piercing grey, and his countenance was calm and unflappable.

"Who are you?" she asked him, standing back.

"Perhaps that is what I should be asking you, if I were not fairly certain already, and ask why you are skulking about here. But I could probably guess; you are following that young man." He smiled at her, knowingly, kindly, and she felt that he meant no harm.

She suddenly had many more questions, but on a hunch, she asked only one: "Did Todd call you here?"

"Ah, you do know my patient. Yes, he called me here, and he said that you found him, if indeed you are the woman of whom he speaks. You are Ms. Delgado, aren't you, my dear?"

She stepped closer to him, nodding. Her eyes were wide. "Your.. patient?"

He removed his spectacles, which were clouding from the fog, and wiped them with his handkerchief. "Why, yes. No, I don't suppose he would tell you, now would he? Now, what exactly has happened here?"

He had, as Tea would discover, a habit of jumping several steps ahead in the conversation without notice, and she felt as though she were chasing after him. "Wait. You're his doctor?"

"Yes, my dear. His psychiatrist. I am Dr. Black. Pleased to finally meet you.." he offered his hand, and she shook it, dazed. Todd was with a psychiatrist?

"Likewise.. Yes, I found him here.. he appeared to be catatonic. Of course it wasn’t real.." She added harshly.

"It is not for you to decide what is real and what is not. Not now."

She felt admonished, and went on quickly. Just the facts. "I came here on a walk and he was sitting at the docks, staring blankly, and stiff, and he wasn't aware of me, or anything really.." He was nodding, and seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. She could feel an enormous relief flooding through her.

"..And you were able to rouse him? Interesting.." He looked over towards the docks. "And then, you left when he grew.. belligerent.." he smiled, "and instead of going home, you spied on him."

"Well. I wasn't.. not exactly.. alright, yes."

"Will you be leaving now, or would you like to come and talk to him with me?"

She sputtered.. "Well, I really should.. I really have to go, I have a lot of work to do, and it's late, and.."

"It's alright, Ms. Delgado. Thank you for your assistance." He smiled at her jovially, as though he understood exactly what it was she meant. "Do you need a ride, it is very late for a lady like yourself to be alone.."

"No," she assured him, "my car isn't far off, I should be fine."

"Here, take this."

He handed her a card; she glanced at it quickly and thrust it into her purse. "It was nice to meet you, Dr. Black," she said hurriedly, suddenly eager to be alone with her thoughts. She flashed a bright smile at him, and then turned to walk away, into the darkness.

He watched her go. So that is Tea Delgado. Interesting. Then he went to join Todd on the docks.

Dr. Black came to a halt directly behind the hunched form of Todd Manning, on the edge of the docks. He did not acknowledge the older man’s presence, but Black knew he was aware of him. "So this is where you went," he said.

"Yeah." Did not turn around. "Not too surprising, huh?"

"No." Black walked over and took a seat beside him. They sat side by side for several minutes, staring wordlessly into the fog. After a time, the one turned to the other. "Well Todd, why am I here tonight? Am I to pull you from the water’s edge and then stay out of your way, as you so kindly put it? Or would you like to try it again my way?"

Todd didn’t seem to hear him, but after a time he lowered his head and closed his eyes. "I don’t know, I don’t know," he said. Exhausted. He was at the end of his rope, the very end, and he was far to tired to care one way or the other what happened next. All he could think of was her words, flung at him like weapons, reinflicting the hurt he had given to her. She was gone, there was no reason to continue. "It’s too late, I’ve lost everything. No matter what I do, I can’t get it back."
His voice was flat and emotionless, but the other man knew how to hear the pain inside the words.

"Perhaps not." He suddenly gripped the younger man’s shoulder, just as Sam had, but this time the words would penetrate. Todd was just desperate enough to listen. "Perhaps you cannot regain your old life. What then? Continue to reinflict the sins of the past, again and again, on everyone and everything that you love, until your dying day? Is that what you want, Todd? Or are you going to give up right here?" Todd sighed, squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. "That woman loved you, those people loved you, YOU, Todd Manning, despite everything that you believe you are. They LOVED you, they believed in you, and you let them and yourself down. But it is not too late."

"Make it all MEAN something Todd, use that marvelous brain of yours to do something that makes sense for once in your life. Take all that they tried to give you, and turn it into something good."

He returns his gaze to the horizon, out into the water. "So you wish to give up. But you can't, do you know why you can't? Because something's dragging you back, no matter how far you go.. It's them, it's your sister, and your daughter, and your wife.. They all reached out for you, that young lady went out after you, and she has had to find her way back on her own.. The best thing you can do for her, for all of them.. is to pull yourself back. To save yourself. I can show you how."

Todd seemed to consider things, eyes closed. There was no indication of what it was that finally made the decision for him, but he suddenly, with a deep breath, stood. "Sure, okay, whatever.." He shrugged and walked off the docks. Black paused a long moment, then walked after him.

Never once did Dr. Black mention his encounter with Tea.

End part 12
next: Fall