ONLY YOU - SO CRUEL

PREVIOUSLY

Geez Tea, can’t you quit moving for a SECOND? Matt slumped in his chair, then put his head down on the table. He was having a realization of his own. That was not just any look, the way those two had been looking at each other back there. That was serious. The way Tea had been acting lately, so funny, so intense, obviously because of this guy. It was a side of her that he had never seen before, a side she obviously kept hidden. Except from her old love. Yes, it all made sense now, the way she came on so strong yet hadn’t given him a second look. He never had a chance.

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It was another long evening, after a rough day in court. Tea couldn’t bear to look at another legal document, not after spending the late afternoon hours shut up in her office.. Unfortunately, the diner was a cacophany of noise and confusion, and she immediately regretted having left the relative peace of her office. Carlotta was busy fussing over Christian, who had done well on his last exam, and comforting Roseanne, who had not. Tea added what support she could to her makeshift family, but couldn’t stand the crowd a minute longer. She escaped into the night.

We crossed the line.
Who pushed who over?
It doesn’t matter to you;
it matters to me..*

Tea walked down the empty street, leaving her car in the lot by the diner, wandering alone with her thoughts. The case. The prosecution would rest soon, and it would be her show. But was she ready? There was still something she was missing, pieces to the puzzle that she couldn't reach.. She could only keep looking, and hope that in the end, what she had would be enough. There were so many people depending on her, the office, her legal team.. Matthew.. His life was in her hands, and she would not let him down. She was going to win. She had to.

She ended up at the docks, unsure of exactly why she had come there of all places.. She needed somewhere to think, without being bothered, and this place had always felt peaceful to her. The soft tones of the water, the cool breeze.. She felt clearer here, strengthened. Her slow footsteps echoed across the docks as she walked to the water.

We're cut adrift I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down...my love*

Tea walked to the railing, next to the water, the evening breeze stirring her thoughts. She closed her eyes and breathed in the cool air, trying to calm herself. Thoughts of the trial swirled on the surface, apprehension, excitement, nerves.. but beyond that, as she turned her thoughts from her work, she wrestled with something far more difficult: her heart. The confrontation with Todd had shaken her far more than she had wanted to admit to herself. Just whenever it looked as though she could find her way, there he was, turning everything upside-down again! She gripped the rail. Damn him anyway! Why did she always let him get to her..

It was over, she had left him behind. Now, she was no fool, she knew that her feelings for him had not died, she had only buried them, buried them deep.. But what they had once had between them was over, it had ended the moment she knew what he had done.. What he really thought of her. She was just another posession, just another pawn for him to manipulate at his will. He had lied to her, made a fool of her, used her, and she had enough self-respect left to throw him out of her life. She did not regret it. Then why did the very sight of him hit her so hard?

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby...you're nowhere *

No matter what she may still feel about him, she was going to have to keep that from clouding her judgement. Dreamtime was over- the man she had loved was a fantasy. She thought she caught a glimpse of something inside him that matched her perfectly, could give her what she craved.. But it was all a lie. And no matter what, she had to remember that. It would never be good between them, because he would never let it. He would never let himself be happy with anyone, he would always find some way to wreck it. He couldn't accept love and peace from anyone; certainly not her. No matter what she did, she was never enough and never would be. Maybe, maybe someday he would find someone who was. Someone he could love. But it wasn't her. Remember that, forget about his promises, the glimpses he gave her of his soul. It wasn't real, it was his usual tactic, to give her a little of what she wanted to keep her coming back. Well, no more. She would never accept anything less than everything from him, because that was what she tried to give to him. So that was it. No matter what she still felt, she accepted now that there would be no second chance for them.

But if it's over, and I know it is, why can't I get him out of my mind? She stared out into the water, frustrated with herself.

You say in love, there are no rules
Oh sweetheart,
you’re so cruel..*

How ironic that the very place she had come to escape him, was the place he had come to escape his memories of her. Though she could not see him, Todd was sitting behind her, slouching against the wall of the boathouse. He had been there for some time, long before Tea had walked onto the dock. He hadn’t seen her arrive. In fact, he wasn’t seeing much of anything at the moment...

Tea turned to go, suddenly feeling a chill, and she saw him. She gasped, and backed away several steps. "Todd, what are you doing here?!" she cried angrily.

No answer.

He was curled up on the ground, arms around his knees, his head leaned back against the wall. His eyes stared off into space. He didn’t even look at her.

"Todd Manning, how DARE you follow me here! What is wrong with you, I have already made it perfectly clear.." She stepped towards him. "At least give me the courtesy of looking at me when I’m talking to you! Todd!"

Still no response. No movement, no reaction. He didn’t even appear to hear her.

She marched over to him, shaking with fury. "Mr. Manning, if I ever see you again I’ll have a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin. Look at me, damn you!" She kicked him. Not hard. Hard enough. But he didn’t even seem to notice. "Todd?" she questioned, hating the note of fear entering her voice. "Forget it." She spun around and stomped away.

She only made it a few steps away before she stopped and looked at him. Those staring eyes.. It was the vision that had haunted her, in her memories of him. That awful time in the hospital, when he had been lost to her. The catatonic state. So many questions, in the last, of what had been real, and what had not.. But she had never known for sure, and this plagued her, whether the catatonia had been real..

Tea knelt by his side. He had not moved since she had first seen him, not even a flicker of an eyelid. Oh he’s good, she thought. But if he thinks I’m going to fall for this twice, he really does need his head examined.

"Look, you can stop playing this game, alright? You’re wasting your time. There is NO WAY I’m buying into this, you think I’m STUPID?! Huh?! LOOK AT ME!!!" Nothing. Shouting right in his ear, and not even a blink.

Suddenly she felt a rising sense of panic, it choked her. No, this can’t be real. No.

She reached out to him, hesitated a moment, touched his shoulder lightly. "Todd?" she said gently.

The very moment she touched him, he turned and looked at her. "Tea. What are you doing here? Where..?" He looked around him, suddenly bewildered, and he shrunk away from her. But he was perfectly all right, obviously. Another fake.

"Oh that’s good, that’s real good, Todd." She leaned back, laughing bitterly at herself for her folly. "What, are you stalking me again, is that it? And are you going to play dead every time I catch you at it?"

"You been drinking, a little of the happy juice Delgado? No, I’m not stalking you.." His voice regained its usual sarcastic edge, but it shook a little. She stared at him. He looked confused, and his eyes fixed intently onto hers, beseeched her to make everything right again.

"Are you alright..?" she asked, with cautious concern. She reached over to touch his arm again.

He shrugged her off, suddenly frustrated, and inexplicably angry. "Lay off! I’m not bothering you, stop it! Keep away!" He saw her recoil, and was immediately contrite. "Sorry - sorry Delgado, I don’t know what.. what’s going on.."

"I’m onto you, that’s what’s going on," she said, standing up. "You’re pretty good at this ‘Look, I’m Catatonic!’ game, I’ll admit it. You had me for a minute. But suddenly you’re all better? Sorry, game over."

"Tea, I don’t know what you’re talking about." He stretched his limbs, as though they were stiff, and he bowed his head low, taking deep breaths. "This can’t be happening," he whispered. He looked up to see her turning to leave him. "No, wait!" he called after her, "don’t go!" He was suddenly angry, frustrated. He shouted after her, "Delgado, you can’t run out now! You owe me that much!"

She advanced upon him so quickly that he had to slide back to avoid being trampled. "How many times do I have to tell you, Todd? I’m not falling for your little routines anymore. ‘I’m so damaged, I’m so messed up, don’t leave me’. You’ll say anything to make me stay with you, then turn around and treat me like dirt! Well I learned the truth about you, on our wedding day, and I’m not going to forget it." She knelt beside him once more and looked him right in the eyes. She was livid, she hissed the words at him in a cold fury, and all the rage she had been building up since that terrible day came spilling out. "You’re not misunderstood. You’re not.. remorseful, or tortured, or any kind of ‘lost soul’! Ha! There is not one ounce, one drop, of caring, or empathy, or HUMANITY, in your body!! You are an evil, manipulative bastard!!! And you had better stay far, far away from me, or I *will* make you regret it. There is nothing here for you anyway, nothing left. It is OVER between us."

His eyes clouded with hurt at her words, but she couldn’t see it. People see what they want. He turned from her, bowed his head in defeat. She was right. It was all over.

Desparation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her l
ips To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel**

With that, Tea stood and walked away. He watched her go, her every footfall resounding in his mind like cracks of doom. She was leaving him to his fate. He stared out into the dark, choppy waters, and struggled to hang onto something, anything, that would keep him out of total darkness.

He tried to be angry with Tea, at her betrayal of him, and all the betrayals of the past, but he had not the strength left even for anger, and he was left with what was, to him, clarity. She was right to go, he didn't deserve her. I don't know what she wanted from me, I still don't. What could she possibly want from me? Nothing that I have to give. But she knows it now, that I have nothing for her. I fooled her long enough, but she's too smart for me, and she sees me for what I am, and now she's gone. Gone. How could she leave him? She was just like all the others, and she said that she wasn't. She tricked him! She said she would never leave, and he trusted her on that. She had broken that trust, dashed it to pieces.. But he could hear a voice from not long ago, and it was saying:

"Marriage is a two-way deal, Todd. You both give love and support, and what's more, you accept it from one another. You wouldn't accept anything from her, and you gave nothing in return. Of course she left; not because she gave up on you, but because you did…"

The rest faded off, and the words twisted themselves into something he could understand. He could never have had a real marriage with Tea or anyone else, because he couldn't keep up that bargain; he was incapable. He was fooling himself to believe anything else. Finally, he was accepting the truth.

He watched the water swirl beneath him, and remembered being lost in it, for a few breathless minutes when he had jumped in to retrieve Tea's necklace. For that time, he had lost all sense of direction, up or down, shore or sea, and wondered if he would ever resurface. The feeling was not entirely unpleasant. It was, in fact, a feeling he had dealt with for most of his life. Swallowed by forces he could not understand or control, with an endless stretch of bleak and unchanging days before and behind him, blending together in a blur of unceasing misery. He was already drowning. He was still drowning. If I had stayed under, then, none of this would have happened. She would still understand, the way she used to, when she could see right into me. She wouldn't hate me. If I had just ended everything back then, she would know, they all would, that it was real, this agony, what I'm fighting against, and how I finally lost. They would finally understand. But that time was long past, and, incredibly enough, things had gotten even worse since then. The world had ganged up on him, and when he tried to fight back, he had hurt all the wrong people. Did everything all wrong, again.

He had started to think he could fix it, but he was deluding himself. They were wrong, he would never be anything more than what he was. It hurt, after allowing himself to begin to hope, to have reality crashing back in. But he was better off this way, at least he knew the truth. He could see it now, that he had failed utterly at everything he had ever done, school, business, marriage, family.. But Starr, wait.. No, she was better off without him, he would mess that up too. There was nothing left for him to do. Nothing left.

He stared into the dark water, and waited for it to pull him under.

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*Author’s note - the song playing through this section is called, you guessed it, "So Cruel". It’s by my personal favorite music-makers, U2...

end part 11
next: Love is Blindness