ONLY YOU - FALL

PREVIOUSLY

"Make it all MEAN something Todd, use that marvelous brain of yours to do something that makes sense for once in your life. Take all that they tried to give you, and turn it into something good."

He returns his gaze to the horizon, out into the water. "So you wish to give up. But you can't, do you know why you can't? Because something's dragging you back, no matter how far you go.. It's them, it's your sister, and your daughter, and your wife.. They all reached out for you, that young lady went out after you, and she has had to find her way back on her own.. The best thing you can do for her, for all of them.. is to pull yourself back. To save yourself. I can show you how."

Todd seemed to consider things, eyes closed. There was no indication of what it was that finally made the decision for him, but he suddenly, with a deep breath, stood. "Sure, okay, whatever.." He shrugged and walked off the docks. Black paused a long moment, then walked after him.

Never once did Dr. Black mention his encounter with Tea.

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Pale September, I wore the time like a dress that year
The autumn days swung soft around me, like cotton on my skin
But as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared
My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within
...
And he finds a home in me
For what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap
And all my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
And my winter giving way to warm, as I'm singing him to sleep
- Fiona Apple, "Pale September"

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Vicki was waiting at the country club for some time before Tea finally arrived for their lunch date. "Oh there you are, I was starting to worry," she said as Tea slipped into her seat, smiling apolagetically.
"So sorry.. I'm running late for everything today.." she grabbed a menu and scanned it, avoiding Vicki's eyes.
"Quite alright." She eyed the younger woman for some time before going on. "Well, I haven't spoken with you in a little while, how are you doing?"
"Hmm? Oh, I'm just fine. Wrapped up in my fun lawyer stuff. How are you?" She settled on a salad, and upon setting down her menu drummed her fingers nervously on the table, still not quite looking at Vicki.
"*I* am wondering what's got you so very worked up. I've seen you, in court, and your energy level is off the charts.. Anything you want to tell me about?"
"Nothing in particular..." But she paused. With a small sigh, she looked up and smiled with sad humor before coming right out with it: "Todd's back."
Vicki blinked at her for a moment before the information could register. "What?"
"Yes, he's here. I saw him at Starr's play, and again the night before last."
Vicki Carpenter felt as though a bomb had been dropped. Todd back in Llanview? What could he be doing here? Could it be that he was back for good, he was ready to start his life again? But he hadn't contacted her, not a word. This being Todd it should be no surprise, but then again.. He had always found her before, always come to her, although he would cover it with sarcasm and flippiancy she knew that it was the special bond they shared as siblings. Children of the same nightmare. Survivors of the same war. And he had returned, but not to her. To Tea? Perhaps that was best..
"He came to see you?"
"No.. I think it was an accident.. He came to see Starr, I don't think he meant for me to see him here. We were both shocked, and I.. I just left as soon as I could. He came to see me again, at the courthouse, he wanted to clear the air between us I suppose, but I made it perfectly clear to him that I didn't want any of it."
So he hadn't come back to Tea either, at least not intentionally.. Starr then, if only briefly. A visit.. before what? Vicki was suddenly very worried. More so than usual. She was aching to know what had happened in Tea's encounter with her brother, but knew she must tread carefully to get the information she needed from her..
"Do you know.. anything, about where he has been, where he's going..?"
"We didn't do very much talking." Her face was tense.
"So you argued."
"Yes. But I effectively broke it off between us, that should be the end of it.." She stared away into space, nodding to herself, repeating the phrase in her mind.. the end of it.. Then she straightened and looked at Vicki's concerned face, and knew that her concern was not entirely for herself. "I'm sorry Vicki, I just.. I can't. I don't know anything about where he's been, or how he is.. I just can't get involved.."
"I understand," she replied quietly. "I just - I just wish he would have talked to me.. I've been very concerned, ever since.. Well, I've been worried, and.. Well, you're quite right, it is his life and we have to go on with ours, right? I suppose there's nothing we can do.."
Tea could see how conflicted she was, wrestling with her care and concern for her younger brother and with the hurt that he had inflicted on her, her pledge to move forward and stay out of his life. She understood that conflict all too well.
"There's more," she admitted.
Vicki prepared herself. "Well, what is it?"
Tea took a deep breath. "I went for a walk on the docks, after our.. meeting.. in the courthouse. And I found him there. He was.. he was in bad shape, really. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't just walk away and I couldn't.. Well, I waited there and I met someone.." She picked up her purse and started to rummage through it. "He was coming to see Todd, they seem to know each other. He gave me this." She extracted a card from her purse, and handed it to Vicki.
"My goodness.." she said, staring at it. She read it over several times, shaking her head. "Well, what do you know.. he actually listened to me. A historic occassion," she chuckled to herself. Vicki looked up at Tea's quizzical expression and explained.
"I got a call, several months ago. From Todd. Unusual in itself, but even more unusual, he was asking for my help. Yes, Todd. He'd cut his own arm off before asking anything of anyone, but there he was, asking for help. He was desperate."
"And what did you tell him?"
"What I had to say, Tea, what I promised myself I would say. I said no. I said there was nothing that I could possibly do for him, because he had taken all of my help, and I had none to spare. Except for one thing." She held the card back out to Tea. "I gave him this name, I said that if he really, really wanted help, he should contact Julian Black. It was all I could do, and I prayed it would be enough. But he didn't call. I spoke with Dr. Black at a conference I was attending for the paper on mental health, and he hadn't heard anything from him.. But he must have changed his mind.."
"Guess so.." Tea stared at the card for a moment herself before putting it away. "He seemed like a good man, Dr. Black."
"The best. A long acquaintance of mine, professionally of course, but he is an amazing thinker, a writer. The last great gentleman," she smiled fondly, "and his reputation as a physician is unmatched.."
"He's in good hands then. Hopefully. If there is such a thing."
Both women fell silent, lost in thought. Then, by a silent mutual agreement, they let the subject drop. For now.
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It was a duel of sorts, these meetings between Todd Manning and Julian Black. Two very strong wills, measuring one another with distrust on the one side and calm determination on the other. It was a race, to see who could figure out the other's game first. Thus far, it was a draw.
They sitting in an office that Black had appropriated; the same complex, coincidentally, that had welcomed Vicki Carpenter in her time of need. Black had coleeges here, and they had generously offered to make room for him. Though it had never been said, it was Todd's wish that their meetings should resume here in Llanview, and Black did not contest it. They were on his patient's turf now, which is some ways would give more leverage, more control, to the young man.. or perhaps encourage him to relax his defenses.
Therapy, for many people, is rather like a game of darts, only you're the dartboard. Everything you say is being analyzed and categorized, and the man behind the desk will throw observations and revelations at you, some of which will hit, some of which will be off the mark. Every now and then there would be the bulls-eye, painfully accurate in its aim. That is how it was for Todd.
He hated talking, period, especially talking about himself, and most especially with someone listening very carefully. It was dangerous, and it was difficult. Words have many uses; you can communicate with them, you can hide behind them, and you can use them as weapons. He was lousy at the first, fairly adept at the second, and devestatingly talented at the third. But this was a professional, an expert with the art of language, who could see right through his word games, and was impervious to attack. He had to be very, very careful.
(There was that same problem with Tea, as a lawyer she was pretty good with words too. She could twist things around this way and that until he didn't know which was up, and she was disturbingly good at bypassing his circular logic to get to the heart of the matter.. She was very, very good.. And in that match he had soundly lost.. He tried not to think about it.)
He had to be very very careful, not to go too far in any direction that might be dangerous, not to give away too much that could be used against him.. It was a contest of wills and he hated it. It was hard.
But he was trying again, without quite knowing why. Without really understanding how this was supposed to do him any good. There was something about Black that interested him, and there was some commonality between them that he couldn't put his finger on. He was supremely confident, so at least one of them knew what they were doing. Not sure if that was good or bad. He was also unnervingly patient, annoyingly calm. But there was sometimes something almost enjoyable in their match of wills.. Black was a worthy opponent. It was fall now, and it was spring when he had left Chicago. One month, and he had left. How long would it go this time?
Their first meeting, this time around, and they were still sizing each other up. Dancing around any important issues. Black had managed to extract some information about Starr and her play. It was not too difficult to get Todd to talk about his daughter, although never at length. He was like any proud parent, but didn't like to give too much of an indication of how much he adored the little girl. No weakness. "Todd," he jumped into a period of silence, "you can talk about anything you want to. If you want to go on about your daughter, go right ahead."
"Wouldn't wanna bore you.." Todd was fiddling with various objects on Dr. Black's desk.
"I'll let you know when you're boring me," he replied wryly.
"Maybe I don't wanna talk about anything. You talk, and I'll analyze every word YOU say."
"Well now, where should I begin? How about with your overly defensive reaction to any inquiries about your family?"
"That wasn't what I-"
"Or would you rather discuss your wife?"
Todd leaned back suddenly, his face tensing. "No. You're not..."
"Quite a fascinating woman, I must say, I am intrigued. Seems she would be a good person to know. Of course, I couldn't learn a great deal from our brief meeting, but she does make an interesting impression.."
Todd waited to respond until he had a firm grip on himself, after the implications of Black's statement sunk in. Then, carefully, "You met her? When?"
"Oh, not long ago. I didn't seek her out, Todd, if that's what you're afraid of. It was a chance meeting, and we only spoke for a few minutes."
Oh good, good, she doesn't know. He was very strongly against Tea knowing anything about Dr. Black. Against anyone knowing, but especially Tea. It would be horrible and humiliating for her to know. At the same time, he was strangely excited by the idea of Black having met her. He really, really wanted to know what he thought of her. But he would never ask.
Perhaps Black knew this, for he went on, hiding a slight smile. "Of course, she was bound to disappoint after your glowing description.."
Todd tried to say both "Disappoint?? Whaddya mean, DISAPPOINT?!" and "What glowing description', I didn't tell you anything!", at the same time, consequently not managing to say either. He backed up and started over. "Yeah, that's.. interesting. Haven't seen her for awhile, y'know, wonder how she's doin with all that money she made off me.."
The Doctor was smiling outright now. "Well, perhaps glowing description' is an exaggeration, for you say as little as possible about her -- the way you normally do for anything that is very important to you." Todd sneered at him, to cover his dismay (dammit, he's getting close today, too close), but Black ignored him. "After the little you said, just before you took your leave in our last session, I was expecting either a candidate for sainthood or a fallen angel. Possibly both."
"So.." Todd watched him expectantly, but he did not go on. He was going to make him say it, dammit. Fine. "So-what-did-you-think," he said quickly.
"Hard to say.." he drew it out a bit, but decided that he had pushed things enough. "She is as beautiful as you described, Todd. Really a lovely woman. And she nearly bowled me over; quite the firebrand, isn't she?"
"Quite." Todd relaxed a little. "Yeah, if you get in her way she'll run right over you."
He sounded the slightest bit.. proud. Black was amused. "I think she'd be a little much for me.. My own dearly departed wife was not nearly so obstinate and brash. But she seems a good match for you."
"She's not my wife." Todd looked away. "I mean, not anymore." He sneaked a look back at Black, who looked stunned. "She did one of those annullment things. We're not married. She reniged. Backed out."
Dr. Black recovered his composure. He was intensely disappointed to hear this news. He knew, of course, that it was only a fraction of what his patient would be feeling. "When did this happen?" he asked carefully.
"Dunno, she just shoved the papers at me."
"I thought you hadn't seen her."
"I did. We ran into each other."
"You were following her."
"No I WASN'T. Alright, I was looking for her at the courthouse, but that was because we ran into each other at Starr's play and I wanted to clear things up so I went to find her, it's not like I followed her home or anything, it's a public place!"
"You don't have to be so defensive. So you haven't been following her."
"No. No." He ran a quick hand through his hair. "Well, not then..."
"You're following her now. You're stalking her."
"No!!" He looked aghast. "I'm not stalking her! I'm.. I went to court to see her a few times, and maybe in the country club, but I didn't bother her! It's a public place! So I look around for her, so what, I'm not hurting anything!"
"Would she think so?"
"She doesn't know. She's not GOING to know.." Black was suddenly struck by the look in his eyes, like a trapped animal, desperate. "What, you're gonna tell me not to see her?"
"Perhaps it would be best, Todd, at this point.." he told him gently.
He lowered his head to his hands, staring at the floor. "What, you gonna tell me to stop breathing too?" he heard him say.
Dr. Black watched him, and sighed. It was a delicate thing. And every so often something else would be revealed to make the situation even more complicated. Black knew that something terrible had happened between the two lovers to tear them apart. He knew of Todd's instability, and right now he wouldn't wish him on any woman, much less this one. But.. he also knew what precarious position Todd was in, how he had to hold on so tightly to something, to keep him from falling.. He had seen it in countless patients, they needed something on which to focus to give them the ability, the will, to live again. It was painfully clear by now that the one thing holding the man together was his feelings for this woman. The daughter was the center, the wife (former, remember it, former wife) was the lynch pin.
"Todd, believe it or not I do know what you are feeling now."
"You don't know anything, you fat-ass quack." Todd had had enough.
"Shut up, Todd," Black said sharply. "You don't have to believe me, just listen." Todd stood up, but didn't walk away just yet. One more chance, eh? "Things are very difficult for you right now, I am aware. This is not pleasant for you -- our sessions. Your life right now. Change is always difficult, I won't pretend it isn't. And seeing her makes it easier, if only a little, or just for a moment, am I right." There was no response, but that was practically an agreement. "But this has to stop. You can't continue this behavior, it will eventually come back to bite you, you know that? Of course you do. If she is as smart as you say, she will find you out. Do you want to be prosecuted? Do you want a restraining order on you? She will do it. If you simply must see her, then go to court, but no more chance meetings.' You understand this? She has her own life that you mustn't interfere with. And you do not want to ruin what feeling she may have left for you."
"Nothing to worry about there," he said coldly. "I'll think about it," he said over his shoulder as he walked out.
"I suppose that concludes our session," Dr. Black said to the empty room, with bitter humor. Another round over, and another loss for the doctor. And the patient, too.
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Meanwhile, Tea was finishing her dinner with Vicki, wrapped in her own concerns. It was the make-or-break portion of her case, and she would have to pull off some legal trickery to get through. The evidence she had hoped to uncover had never appeared- or else, it was being well concealed. She was betting on the second. She was thinking about it constantly, looking for that missing piece. "And I haven't even told you my news yet," she interrupted herself, looking up at Vicki. "I have family coming in to town. To see me show my stuff, as they said."
"Really, well that's wonderful! But the case began awhile ago, why come now?"
"That's the Delgado family way, show up when convenient. Del was on a case of his own until recently, and he's bringing Enrique and Jose with him."
"You must be very excited."
"Hmm," she said noncomittally. She loved to see her brothers, but.. She was a little reluctant to have them there now. For reasons too complicated to explain. "I'm sure this will be an interesting visit," she finally said.
"Well, I need to be going, I have a meeting to attend at the Banner." Vicki excused herself, leaving her part of the bill. Tea sat alone a moment longer, putting a hand to her head. There was just so much to do, and now she had to get ready for her brothers to come. Everything just kept piling on, and now the reporters had been banging down her door to get the scoop, and the threats.. There was a really twisted message on her answering machine last night, telling her not to dig around any longer where she wasn't wanted. Just what she needs now.. Tea searches through her purse for some asprin. Just a few more weeks, and then it would all be over. The case would be over, and Matthew would be free. She just couldn't think of it any other way, losing was not a possibility. She had to win.
She could feel herself coming to the brink, to the edge of the cliff. She'd been there before, but she had always been able to pull herself back. That's what she had to do, because there would be noone there to catch her if she fell.
Tea got up and returned, as usual, to her office. But not for long. She had a date.

End part 13
Next: Heartless