PREVIOUSLY

Tea: Well, so I woke up, or I thought I did.

Todd: You only dreamed you woke up from a nightmare? That'smygame.

Tea: Yes, and in that dream I reached for you again thinking I was awake, and your side of the bed was not only cold, but your pillow was gone, too. Like you'd never been there, like when you were gone all those months and I used to sleep in your shirts in this same bed.

Todd: (Holds her closer and kisses her hair.) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I left you, even if you did tell me to leave. I was a mess, and I wasn't myself most of the time.

[Scene ends.]

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[Scene: Todd's bedroom, the next morning.]

Todd: Tea?

Tea: Si, Querido?

Todd: Don't touch me like that again.

Tea: I said I was sorry. I can't guarantee I won't do that again. (Reaches for him.)

Todd: I know. I'm getting really kinda hinky with Boyd away this week. (Body tenses, moving away from her:) Look, I can't be touched right now.

Tea: Why not?

Todd: (Pauses.) Don't laugh, ok?

Tea: I won't.

Todd: (Hesitates.) They're telling me things. It's making me all hinky.

Tea: WHO?

Todd: (Sounding frightened, almost pleading:) Please don't laugh, ok? Promise you won't laugh? This is really unnerving. Talking so openly about this scares me. This is an awful way to wake up.

Tea: (Nodding slowly, quietly:) Ok....

Todd: It's the alters. Tom. Tom's telling me how much fun you are and how he misses playing with you. He says he likes playing scrabble with you and things.

Tea: I like to play with him, too. We can do that.

Todd: That's not all. Look, if my whole day's going to be like this I want to be very drunk.

Tea: Who else?

Todd: (Listens inside, gets embarassed.) Rod.

Tea: He likes Scrabble, too. (Giggling a little:) He didn't think S-E-X was a word. He wouldn't show me the tiles until I practically opened his hand for him and took them from him. It was very funny, he was shy about it. He wanted me so badly. Poor Rod. He was trying to be demure and I admit it was the sexiest thing, the shy way he looked at me and then avoided my eyes when I asked what word was in his hand. He was so cute.

Todd: Well, he just came to me and said, don't laugh at how he says things, ok? I wanna get it right. It's important to him.

Tea: Ok. I've talked with Rod many times, I know how he sounds.

Todd: He calls you, "cara mia", he says -- I gotta get him to slow down. Tea, is he always so cheesy? He says, (closes eyes, listening as he speaks:) "I no-a see de Pete, I see-a dat moron Tom, (opens eyes and looks at Tea:) but-a I see too, mi cara mia. Jou -- " (Heavy sigh, pauses, closes eyes briefly, mild exasperation.) He wants to have sex with you, Tea, in the worst way. Please say you've never --

Tea: No. I know he does, Todd. I'm flattered, he's really very sweet and gentle, he means well, he's well-mannered and confident, suave. He's sometimes a little over-the-top, and maybe a little bit of a ham. He can be manipulative, but in charming ways. I always find him sweet, but a bit unnerving. He's not you. He has all the sexual confidence that you lack, I'm sorry. He's at least as beautiful as you are, he smiles more, he says his upbringing was very happy, and I enjoy his company greatly; but he is not you. I want you, not him.

Todd: Whatever he does or says, don't go to bed with him, please. I want to be the one, all of me at once.

Tea: I've already turned him down because, sweet as he is, he isn't you and he can never be you. He knows that it's you I want, even though he wishes it was him.

Todd: It would be too weird to wake up and find myself naked with you after sex, and not know how I got that way or if it even happened when I was out to lunch. It would be pretty weird to wake up naked, as it is. I'd be so afraid I'd hurt you.

Tea: Where's Pete right now? Rod said he couldn't see Pete.

Todd: He said he "didn't", not couldn't. Ms. Perkins seems to have Pete penned up or something. (Shrugs.) I'm not complaining. I have enough black clouds over my head without him.

Tea: I'm glad he's quiet right now.

Todd: My whole head's quieter right now.

Tea: Because they were heard?

Todd: I guess. I have the oddest feeling of looking out with more than one set of eyes right now. (Blinks, seems a little unsteady for a moment.) It's not quite like double vision when you're drunk or really tired, or someone's hit you on the head. (Blinks, seems to blanch.) Oh, no...

Tea: What?

Todd: (Shaken:) A memory. A vision. Like a clear layer over reality. Like a double exposure.

Tea: (Concerned:) Can you talk about it?

Todd: (Uncomfortable:) Not really. You'll think I'm pathetic.

Tea: (Glibly:) Probably not. Try me.

Todd: (Angry sarcasm:) Oh, that's glowing encouragement.

Tea: (Contrite:) Sorry. I won't be so glib. What do you remember?

Todd: A hand. (Looks at his own hand as if to steady himself. Closes eyes a moment.) I don't wanna see this. If I close my eyes that's all I'll see.

Tea: A hand?

Todd: (Shaky and annoyed:) Yes, a hand! A hand. You know, like at the end of your arm?

Tea: (Smiles briefly.) I have two of those. (Serious:) Whose hand?

Todd: (Distressed:) His. I can see it so clearly. (Shudders.)

Tea: Whose?

Todd: HIS.

Tea: You're not going to say it, are you?

Todd: No. I refuse to see this! I refuse to remember this!

Tea: What is the hand doing?

Todd: Touching me, reaching down and touching me.

Tea: Where?

Todd: (Bristling:) What do you mean, "where"? Isn't it obvious?

Tea: No, it's not obvious.

Todd: (Angrily, using it as a defensive offense:) You wanna hear?! Ok, I'll tell you! You want details? He's touching my body where he shouldn't be, rubbing and grabbing! It's frightening. It hurts, but at the same time it feels kind of good. It's embarrassing.

Tea: Why?

Todd: I'm reacting, even though it doesn't feel all that great. I don't want to.

Tea: That's not you, that's your body reacting.

Todd: I AM my body! (Scowls at her.)

Tea: Not quite. Nobody is, not quite.

Todd: Huh?

Tea: There's you and there's your body. They're intimately entwined but they're not one and the same. Just because your body was reacting to his touch doesn't mean you liked it. Does that make sense?

Todd: Not of this experience. Nothing makes sense of this experience. Why did he do this to me?

Tea: I don't know.

Todd: I'll never know. I wish the pictures would stop. I don't want to see this. I don't want to feel this. I can feel his hands on me. (Flinches.)

Tea: What do you feel?

Todd: Aroused. Disgusted. Disgusting. Scared. (Pause.) I once read a science fiction story about a boy who was brought up on a different planet by an alien father who was a lot like Peter. Everytime the boy looked at himself in the mirror he'd think,"GO AWAY, UGLY THORN." That was his name, "Thorn". I feel like him right now. Don't look at me. I'm disgusting. It's disgusting what I let him do to me! It's disgusting that I liked it.

Tea: Just because your body reacted doesn't mean you liked what he was doing to it. He was trying to get at you, too, don't let him win.

Todd: He's already won. I'm as ugly as Thorn.

Tea: No, you're not. You're the most beautiful man I've ever known.

Todd: I'm ugly. I've got scars all over me, I never smile, I hurt people, I --

Tea: You are the most beautiful man I have ever known, and I love you. I don't see the scar on your face when I look at you, I see your eyes. I don't see the monster you were taught to see, I seeyou. I don't see what Peter did to you, I seeyou. I don't see the guy that blew up a yacht and accidentally killed someone, I seeyou. And I don't care what you think you've done that would make me hate you. I get to choose if I decide to hate you for anything you've done or said. You don't get to decide my feelings about you, ok?

Todd: Keep talking, I need to hear your voice right now. I can't let you touch me yet, but I need to hear your voice nearby right now. Words for touch, but no touch. Ok?

Tea: What do you need me to tell you that I haven't just gotten done telling you?

Todd: (Pauses. Quietly:) Tell me that you love me, and that you're not going anywhere. I don't expect you to stay knowing what you know now. Tell me that you're not afraid of me, even though I think you should be.

Tea: I do love you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not afraid of you, but I am angry at Peter. Todd, it wasn't your fault what he did. You didn't ask him to do it, and even if you had, you were in no position to say no to him in the first place. What Peter did to you was wrong, it was violation after violation.

Todd: You don't think I'm disgusting?

Tea: (Smiles mischievously:) Oh, maybe your table manners.

Todd: (Frowns.) Tea. I thought you found that endearing?

Tea: (Gently:) I'm teasing you, Todd.

Todd: (Covering:) Ok. I knew that.

Tea: You're not disgusting, Peter was. He was disgusting for the things he called you that must have come from his own disgust with himself, he was disgusting for burning you and whipping you and slapping you around, he was disgusting for touching you like he did. He was disgusting to the people he worked with, saw socially, to you, to your mother.... should I continue?

Todd: You don't think I'm disgusting?

Tea: No, I don't. You wrote me a lovely love letter a long time ago where you marveled that when I look at you you don't feel so afraid of yourself anymore because I don't see a monster when I look at you. I still don't. You're weird and unpredictable, you're volatile, but you're still the love of my life and the most beautiful man I've ever known.

Todd: What do you see when you look at me, again?

Tea: I don't see Thorn. I don't see you as your scars, I don't usually even notice the scar that Luna gave you. I see your beautiful hazel eyes, so expressive, and your smile, and the grace of your movements. I see your physical strength, your agility. I marvel at you sometimes and at your beauty. I find you incredibly desirable and attractive. I marvel that this guy I'm trying to comfort right now is my husband. You're mine, as long as you'll have me.

Todd: (With feeling:) "Just the thought of you twists my heart so that I cannot breathe."

Tea: (Gasps.) Really?

Todd: It's a quote from a book I read in college english or high school. It's true, though. I sometimes stop breathing and I can feel my heart flailing itself against my ribs and I can't think when you're near me. I want to reach out for you, but I can't move, can't think, can't speak. Then the words come out all wrong.

Tea: You did all right with the proposal.

Todd: I guess I did.

Tea: Feeling better?

Todd: Yes. (Deep breath.) Yes. It's quiet again in my head.

Tea: I'm glad.

Todd: You do, you know, you help me untwist.

Tea: Can we try something?

Todd: Who we?

Tea: Are the alters still watching?

Todd: (Checks by closing his eyes and appearing to listen. Opens eyes.) Yes. They're just not talking.

Tea: Tom wants to kiss me, I know he likes to do that, but he also likes to be close to me. He likes when we hug. Rod wants to make "mad passionate love to" me, but I can't allow him to do that and not so soon. He also likes to kiss and hold me. I know you don't want to be touched, but if it's ok, we could all lie down and I could hold your hand while you rest. Would that be ok?

Todd: We seem to be doing that a lot.

Tea: I don't mind.

Todd: (Listens a moment.) Rod is disappointed, of course. This is less than he wants, but more than he seriously expected right now.

Tea: (Smiles at him.) Good. He is a gentleman, and while he says "patience is over-rated", he is remarkably patient and gracious about all this.

Todd: Tom, well he’s harrassing me. He wants to bounce up and down because he can be in bed with you. What a moron.

Tea: He's just a kid.

Todd: He's totally gaga for you.

Tea: Like you are?

Todd: I didn't say I was.

Tea: But I know you are.

Todd: (Makes an uncomfortable face at her. Winces.) Tom is yelling at me to get on with it. What a pest.

Tea: Would he like me to hug you? He does like that a lot.

Todd: (Makes uncomfortable face.) Eew. Holding hands is hard enough.

Tea: This time I get to direct you again. (Gently:) Lie down again.

Todd: I don't know how much this will help. I'm pretty wound up as usual.

Tea: (Confident:) Don't worry about it. Just lie down.

Todd: (Mocking tone:) Yes, dear.

Tea: (Giggles.)

Todd: (Mocking tone:) How was your day, dear?

Tea: (Giggles.) Terrible, I had this really stubborn man to boss around all evening.

Todd: (Smiles a little despite himself.) I'm notstubborn.

Tea: (Smiling:) Yes, you are, it's one of your more endearing, if frustrating, qualities. Now, lie down.

Todd: (Lays himself out along the length of his side of the bed.) Like this?

Tea: Yes. (Lying down next to him.) Give me your hand.

Todd: (Does so, hesitantly, eyes closed.)

Rod: (Turns his head and looks longingly into Tea's eyes.) You make-a my heart do de dance again, cara mia. Todd, he is-a.... mmm... how you say? mmm.... escaring?

Tea: Todd is scared?

Rod: Si. Todd, he is-a scared. I only come to say hello to jou myself. I go now, cara mia. Ciao, cara!

Todd: (Looks away from Tea, stares at the ceiling.) He was here, wasn't he?

Tea: (Looks at Todd.) Rod? Yes. He just wanted to say hello to me.

Todd: That is unnerving. I'm not used to their coming and going in front of me and anyone else and my knowing it. That was so fast. That wasn't me last year. It was them.

Tea: I know. Try to relax a bit. (Squeezes his hand.)

Todd: (Snuggles his head against hers, like Tom does.)

Tom: I like you, Tea. I wish I could be with you more. You're a lot of fun.

Tea: (Looks at him.) Tom?

Tom: (Grins broadly:) Yep.

Tea: (Gently:) I need to talk with Todd, Tom, although I'm glad you're here. (Squeezes his hand.)

Todd: (Looks away from her.) See, this is what happens when I start to relax. I heard him. He's such a doofy little moron.

Tea: (Reassuring:) It's ok, Todd.

Todd: It'sweird. Looney toons.

Tea: You're trusting me, you know?

Todd: (Looks back at her.) How? I'm terrified.

Tea: I don't know how you're doing it, but you've been doing it a long time now. This time you're showing me how deeply you can trust me. They showed themselves directly to me, no pretense. You let me see them, talk with them a moment, and you talked about them with me. Theytrust me. You talked for them to me. You let me inside you.

Todd: (Wary:) Oh. This trust stuff, it's hard.

Tea: I know you find that hard. I know you find that frightening. Me, too.

Todd: Very hard.

Tea: Maybe you really are beginning to feel safe around me, after all this time.

Todd: I'm never safe.

Tea: Maybe we're changing that?

Todd: I wouldn't know.

Tea: (Looks at him.) Actually, it was kind of nice to see them again.

Todd: (Staring pointedly at the ceiling, then closing his eyes as if waiting for bad news.) You don't want me here.

Tea: (Surprised and firm:) I want you here most of all!

Todd: (Turns on his side to look in her eyes.) You're crazy, you know.

Tea: Yeah, maybe. Definitely about you, though. (Touches his forehead with her own. Quietly:) Let's try and sleep, ok?

Todd: (Nods, but doesn't move.)

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED