PREVIOUSLY

Tea: (Looks at him.) Actually, it was kind of nice to see them again.

Todd: (Staring pointedly at the ceiling, then closing his eyes as if waiting for bad news.) You don't want me here.

Tea: (Surprised and firm:) I want you here most of all!

Todd: (Turns on his side to look in her eyes.) You're crazy, you know.

Tea: Yeah, maybe. Definitely about you, though. (Touches his forehead with her own. Quietly:) Let's try and sleep, ok?

Todd: (Nods, but doesn't move.)

[Scene ends.]

**************************************************************************************************

[Scene: Banner City Room. Mid-morning. Mel sits at his desk, sending email.]

Viki: (Opens door to her office, walks to Mel.) Your email sounded urgent.

Mel: (Still typing:) One second. It is. (Finishes what he's doing, saves and closes file, turns to Viki.) It's about Todd.

Viki: Did you finish your notes?

Mel: I think so, it's a bit hard to find out very much since Peter seemed to keep his personal life so secret. I don't know Todd's pediatrician's name, for example, although I did talk with the school nurse at his school, she wouldn't tell me and the records are all gone now. Even if we could get them, we'd need Todd's written permission. I'll let you look at my notes in your office first before we talk to Todd.

Viki: I think he's going to need, if not want, to see these notes from what your email said.

[Exit to Viki's office.]

[Scene: Viki's office, as Mel and Viki enter it together, as Viki reads Mel's notes.]

Viki: (Looking up from Mel's notes at Mel.) Oh my. He really was a monster. (Distractedly, while reading:) Please sit down, Mel.

Mel: (Closes the office door behind him and sits in a chair near her desk.)

Viki: (Crosses to her desk and sits in her chair, still reading.) My poor baby brother......

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Llanfair. Next day. Viki is at her desk in the study, and suddenly goes to the front door. Todd is about to ring the bell, when she opens the door. They are both surprised to see each other.]

Viki: Todd! Hi! Did you forget something?

Todd: (Evasive:) Sort of.

Viki: Well, come on in and tell me. (Ushers him through the house to the living room/study.) So, tell me.

Todd: (Stalls.) You know, when I found out I was this rich guy's kid and you were my sister, I wanted everything you'd had growing up that I missed out on by not having lived with our father.

Viki: So did Tina.

Todd: I know.

Viki: Please, sit down, ok?

Todd: (Sits in the overstuffed chair near the door, reluctantly.)

Viki: (Sits in the couch across from him.) I remember we talked about this a few years ago. You were very angry at me about it at the time. Jealous.

Todd: Before I knew what you'd gone through.

Viki: And now you've got more money than you can count.

Todd: It doesn't make it much better.

Viki: No. (Watches him, a moment. Gently:) You're stalling, aren't you, sweetheart?

Todd: Yeah. (Looks down as if ashamed. Looking at Viki:) Ok. This is really hard..... (Takes a breath.) I came to apologize ..... for how rotten I've been, and for hurting you last year when you thought I'd used your illness against you and lied. You were right. The joke was on me. (Upset:) I'm so sorry, Viki. I never wanted you to know about it, I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't want you worried about me. I didn't want anybody knowing what my father did, or that I was crazy. (Takes another breath.) Most of all, I came to apologize for Pete's behaviour. He was awful to you. That was his voice on that tape. I would neversay "to hell with Starr!". Never.

Viki: I know.

Todd: How do you know?

Viki: I figured it out, and then Dr. Boyd checked it against tapes he has.

Todd: You talked to him?!

Viki: While you were away. I also know you've been seeing him again.

Todd: (Angry:) Hetold you?

Viki: Yes, I asked him. (Reassuringly:) He didn't give details. You did give him permission to tell me.

Todd: (Ashamed:) I didn't want anyone to know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner myself. I was awful to you.

Viki: I'm just glad you're finally back in therapy.

Todd: I'm not. I don't want to be crazy. That's the last thing I ever wanted.

Viki: I know you're frightened. Therapy can be very frightening, indeed.

Todd: (Hesitates, then:) Sometimes I don't want to go.

Viki: But you do go, anyway?

Todd: (Looks in Viki's eyes, and nods, then:) Sometimes I spend the whole time shaking and wanting to just scream and run out of there.

Viki: Why don't you?

Todd: I know I need to stick with it. I really hate it. (Hesitates.) Like...... (Averts his eyes, but glances at Viki furtively a couple of times.)

Viki: (Prompting him and coaxing him a little, gently:) Like, what, Todd?

Todd: Umm..... Like, uh..... oh, this is so hard, Sis.

Viki: Don't rush yourself.

Todd: (Sighs.) It's hard enough to talk about while rushing it.

Viki: Maybe if you close your eyes and just tell me? From your description you went into a kind of shock that night when Peter was chasing you. That's what the blacking out was caused by.

Todd: Oh. (Takes a breath.) Ok.... See, telling everyone about that nightmare was really hard..... and.... uh... (gulps, breathes) it got to a point where it got so bad the doctor guy wanted me to slow down before I told you guys. Only I really couldn't. I was sleeping even less than usual, couldn't eat --

Viki: I noticed you were looking thin even for you lately.

Todd: I almost wasn't eating at all. Nothing stayed down except coffee after a while. One day I threw up, and I said that was it. It wasn't the only time. I had to tell you guys or this was going to kill me, and for once I actually started to care if I lived, for a moment.

Viki: So you really usually just don't care?

Todd: (Sadly, honestly, nodding:) Yeah, Sis. I'm sorry. See, I've upset you. I didn't mean to.

Viki: No, I'm fine. Concerned for you, but fine.

Todd: (A little cagey, but trying to reassure her:) Don't worry. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm not climbing the hospital roof again or anything.

Viki: I hope not. I was very worried for you that night. I love you, I was afraid I was about to lose you again forever.

Todd: (Hesitantly, quietly:) Um... You almost did. When I was at the cabin and Sam and Tea found me. I'm sorry, Sis. I almost did it. I almost blew my head off.

Viki: Oh, Todd! I don't think I could live with that, Todd. I don't think I could take losing you yet again. Will you come find me if you need me? Please? Will you talk to me as soon as something's wrong? Not put it off like telling me about Dr. Boyd or about the nightmare?

Todd: (Touched.) I'll try... That means more than you know.

Viki: I'm beginning to know. Will you talk to me about things when they come up? Not waiting months or years before you tell me? It's what big sisters are for.

Todd: I'll try. Tea and I are working on this, too. It's not easy for me, Sis.

Viki: I understand. Will you talk with Dr. Boyd about this?

Todd: I haven't yet. Well, not in depth.

Viki: There's nothing to be ashamed about, sweetheart.

Todd: (Pained, quietly:) I failed.

Viki: (Sweetly:) By managing to live? That's not a failure. That's a goodthing.

Todd: That's what he said, too. (Morose:) Sometimes it just feels so lousyto be alive.

Viki: (Gently:) I know.

Todd: (Sad:) I'm sorry, Sis.

Viki: (Gently:) It's ok, Todd. You're still here, ok?

Todd: (Looks in her eyes.) Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Viki: Sometimes it takes far more courage to stick around and live than to kill yourself.

Todd: (Shrugs.) I guess it does. I don't really know. I feel like I have no guts, you know?

Viki: You have far more courage than you realize, Todd.

Todd: How do you see so much?

Viki: I'm your big sister. (Smiles at him gently.)

Todd: I'm glad I have a big sister. I don't have to be alone anymore. I don't want to. I don't have to be the oldest anymore.... Can I tell you a secret?

Viki: You can tell me anything, Todd.

Todd: I like being the youngest sometimes. A lot.... Ok, I like it most of the time.

Viki: (Touched:) Oh, sweetheart.

Todd: (Uncomfortable:) Don't get all mushy, Sis. Don't let this go to your head.

Viki: (Pauses.) What was it like realizing you have alters, for real?

Todd: Scary, Sis. It was a slow process before the tape got played. It started at your cabin the night Kevin got married. Well, no. I think it started the night Georgie was killed and I saw her body at the lodge. You were right, you understood that Kevin's wedding was way too stressful for me. We got to the cabin and Rod was out. We all struggled for dominance, and then it was Miss Perkins next. We were switching in and out so fast after she came out, Rod got dizzy and got hit with this pounding headache, too, Tea says. Pete came out and he terrorized Tea with the firepoker. I scared Tea,Sis. It scared me. Pete was gloating to Blair about it later.

Viki: That's what Tea meant?

Todd: Uh-huh. He'd done it before, at your cabin. He gloated about it later to Blair in my office, although he didn't give her the details. He makes me sick sometimes, the way he treats Tea. In the end I emerged, very confused. I had no idea where I was -- well, I did, but not how I'd gotten there. The last thing I remembered with any clarity was the courtroom during the pretrial. All of a sudden we were at your cabin and I had bits and pieces of memories scattered throughout those months. Everything else was like a dream, or blank.

Viki: Like a fog?

Todd: (Nodding.) Sometimes. Look, I was so glad to see Tea, though, and to be alone with her. At one point she hugged me, and I hesitated, but it just felt so goodto touch her again. I couldn't believe I had her in my arms and she was real. Scary. I was scared of losing control but it felt so good to hold her. I pushed her away. She started to try to bring me up to speed, you know? She started telling me all this junk about the alters. I just couldn't believe it. It made so much sense and yet it made no sense at all. Some of it was downright terrifying. I was sure that meant I was crazy, and I can't..... (deep breath) ... I don't...... (deep breath, looks pleadingly at Viki.)

Viki: (Gently:) I know you've been very afraid of going crazy all your life, and I remember how scared you were in prison that you were going crazy there, of all places.

Todd: (Nods, gulps.) I was so sure she was going to send me back to prison, my most recent clear memory at the time was her testimony after the hostage stuff, before I fell out and was catatonic. I was angry at her, but then she brought me up to date. Later, when Tea and I were in my office talking about our wedding, I was trying to be honest with her, and I said something about how uncomfortable I am with having Miss Perkins inside me. Tea didn't seem to catch that at the time. I really wanted her to hear how scary it is. Then she was touching me and kissing me and I was just soaking it up. I didn't want her to stop. I didn't want to just spill my guts and lose control, either. You know how scary this can be.

Viki: Yes, I do.

Todd: You always want me to be honest with you, right?

Viki: Yes. Somehow we lost that last year.

Todd: I wish I'd talked to you more, but I couldn't. I really missed you. (Heavy sigh.) I felt so lost, Viki.... There's more.

Viki: Tell me.

Todd: It happened on the plane on the way out of this stupid town. They all came to me and told me off, one by one. It's one of the freakiest things you can imagine. (Pauses.) I guess you don't have to imagine it.

Viki: No, I don't.

Todd: I made the mistake of letting my guard down and trying to rest. You know how that works.

Viki: (Quietly:) Yes. Yes, I do.

Todd: I really hadn't slept in a week or two. I was going NUTS putting the wedding together for Tea and me. On the plane, I shut my eyes, and they came after me. First it was Tom, he had the lighter and he flicked it on and got my attention in the seat ahead of me. My eyes were wide open as soon as I heard the lighter flip open, it's not a sound I could ever forget. I'd bought out all of First Class, I knew it couldn't be someone else.

Viki: You saw them?

Todd: (Grimly:) Yeah. Each in turn. Tom sulked about how I'd blown it with Tea and how she's so much fun and he missed that. He said he or they should never have let me out. Then it was Rod flicking the lighter in another seat and telling me I'd blown it with Tea and how now I had no one to love me. That was pretty upsetting. Viki, I don't want to be all alone. (Pauses.) Then it was Pete. You know how scary he can be. He stood in front of me in the aisle and made me hold my hand over the flame while he took his turn telling me what a loser I am, that I'll never escape what my father did to me. (Pleading:) Will I, Viki? Ever?

Viki: You can, and to some extent you have, at least as a father yourself. Do you remember that conversation we had in the family crypt the day you and Blair were getting married?

Todd: Yes. About how I don't want to be the kind of father my Dad or Victor Lord were. Double whammy for me. Do you think I can be salvaged? Really? Still?

Viki: Yes, but you have to keep working at it. You're not like our fathers were, Todd. You're a much better father than either of them were. Even with all your problems, you're a doting and attentive parent. Very loving and gentle. Starr adoresyou.

Todd: (Looks at her sidelong, looks down, sidelong again. Looking at Viki directly:) Pete said that I'm the one who takes all the feelings. It's no surprise. He said I feel "everything". He's right. Pete doesn't cry, I do. Pete doesn't love, I do. All that I could almost take, and stay in denial.

Viki: What convinced you they were real?

Todd: (Takes a breath, exhales. Pauses.) Miss Perkins. She came last on the plane. (Shudders.)

Viki: Oh, dear.

Todd: Yeah. It was undeniable then. She's so painfully obviously not one of them, not part of the me I always knew about, it had to be real. Viki, I'm not crazy. (Pleading:) Please tell me I'm not crazy!

Viki: You're not. This is how you and I coped with our abuse, but it doesn't mean either one of us is crazy. Damaged and out of our depth, yes, but not crazy. You can get better, in fact you have been getting better since your return. You won't always be in pieces. You weren't in pieces before all this happened last year. I'm not anymore.

Todd: I wasn't in pieces as a kid, or even when I raped Marty. I was the one, not an alter, and I've had to live with that all along. I think it started when I saw Georgie's body, all bloody on the floor of the lodge. I know you're not in pieces now, I'm glad you're not. I need my sister.

Viki: I need my brother. I love you, Todd.

Todd: (Tearing up:) I miss you, Sis. I love you, too. I know I never say it.

Viki: At Thanksgiving, I gave a toast to all who had gathered and said I felt you had taken all our love for granted. (Todd makes a small noise of protest.) I really meant I felt you had taken my love for granted.

Todd: (Groaning sadly:) Oh...... Sis, no. I never did. I'm so gladyou love me, but it frightens me to be loved in ways that don't include violence. I don't know what to do with it except with Shorty, not at all. But I've nevertaken it for granted, not even for a heartbeat, Sis.

Viki: (Quietly:) You made it seem like you did take it for granted.

Todd: (Emotional:) Never, Viki. Never.

Viki: You rarely even showed you cared about anyone other than yourself. Well, other than Starr.

Todd: I tried. Oh,believe me,I tried. I don't know how to do it and keep safe at the same time.

Viki: I know you tried. For a long time, Tea didn't see that after you left. You've always seemed to possess the most remarkable fearlessness, coupled with the most remarkable, sometimes palpable terror of living. How do you live like that?

Todd: (Mildly sarcastic:) I dunno, must be one of my many gifts. (Smiles a little at Viki.)

Viki: Cute.

Todd: Not hardly. Not me.

Viki: You're going to hate me for saying this, but I have the most beautiful baby brother I could hope for, even with all your faults and all the things you've done. You're wonderful.

Todd: (Touched, but wary:) Don't get all mushy on me, Sis.... (Quietly:) You really think so?

Viki: Yes. I do.

Todd: Why? You know what I am. You know what I've done. What I did to Marty.

Viki: I also knew your father a little. There is much good in you, Todd, although you hide it well.

Todd: You were the one, the only one, who believed in me right from the start. Why?

Viki: Because I do see the good in you, and because you're my brother. You're like a wounded animal sometimes, just stumbling around and breaking things and sometimes getting badly injured, and it makes you misstep more haphazardly and get hurt or hurt others worse. You draw trouble like a magnet, Todd. It's hard to watch, and not be able to reach in to you. Most of taking care of you seems to be like Veterinary Science sometimes. It has to be done based on observation, because you say so little outright about what's going on with you.

Todd: (Sarcastic:) You mean, you check my teeth? Bang that little hammer against my foreleg at the knee to test my reflexes? Check my eyes with one of those penlight things?

Viki: I don't need one of those penlights. One look in your eyes sometimes and I see without any words that you're absolutely terrified, or in unbearable pain, and then the walls go right back up.

Todd: (Quietly:) Sometimes I get so lost in it I start to drown. I was taught never to call to the shore for help, that help would never come, that I had to do it all myself. Sink or swim on my own. That's why I don't often ask. It just makes things worse. Asking is so hard it feels like begging, and you know I don't ever beg.

Viki: We need new ground rules.

Todd: (Wary expression.) What kind?

Viki: You have to keep telling me the truth, and be honest with me like we used to be before last year, like now, or I can't support you.

Todd: Would it mean you'd also stop loving me?

Viki: No. You're my brother. As angry and hurt as I was after the tape played, as much as I spurned you; I can't stop loving you. I wish that tape had never been played at all.

Todd: (Sadly:) Me, too.

Viki: I only meant what I said about not having any love left for you in the moment, in my deep hurt.

Todd: (Pause.) I don't want to hurt you, Sis.

Viki: You didn't last year, either. You have to promise you will come talk to me when you need to, ok? Even on the phone. You can ask for me. You've shown you can ask for me when you needed me before.

Todd: I wanted to, Sis, last year. I wanted to, but I wasn't out much, and there was the House Arrest, your trip to China, and I was scared. I will try to open up to you more. That's all I can do, try.

Viki: I suppose that's all I can hope for, right now.

Todd: All anyone can hope for from me. I can't promise anything, Sis. Except that I never stopped loving you, or needing you.

Viki: I know this isn't easy for you.

Todd: No. It's very frightening. It's even scary to admit to being scared, or to needing someone.

Viki: Are you ever not frightened?

Todd: I don't think so, except maybe when I'm with Tea.

Viki: Are you ever afraid of me?

Todd: (Looking away:) Sometimes.

Viki: Why?

Todd: (Looking at Viki:) You make me tell you the truth, and you love me so much.

Viki: And being loved is scary?

Todd: Terrifying.

Viki: Why?

Todd: It means I can hurt you. I don't want to, Sis.

Viki: I won't let you.

Todd: I won't let myself.

Viki: Oh! But that's the whole point for you, isn't it?

Todd: Yes. I hurt people all the time, but most of the time I don't really want to at all, I'm just scared or angry. I don't know how to show people I love them. I do know how to hurt them, push them away, try to protect them. When I love someone they either leave me, hurt me, or I end up hurting them. Tea even sent me away. It takes everything I have most days to get through the day without hurting someone I care about.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: That evening, Todd and Tea arrive together at the Penthouse.]

Todd: (Enters the livingroom, dropping his jacket on the floor at his feet in a heap.)

Tea: (Smiling at his actions.) On the way up, you said you had an idea. I hope it's good. (Takes off her suit jacket and lays it over the chair at stage right of the fireplace.)

Todd: (Looking away, busying himself by the stereo.) I think you'll like it. Judith has the night off.

[Music: Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" begins.]

Todd: (Crosses the room to Tea, his hand extended out to her in invitation. He smiles a little nervously to her.) Rod wanted some opera thing. You can't dance to opera.

Tea: (Smiles. Takes his hand and approaches him.)

Todd: (Takes her hand in his and holds her close. He begins to waltz with her to the song, looking into her eyes.)

Tea: (Smiles to him, meeting his eyes.)

Todd: (His face seems to light up as they dance, looking into each other's eyes.)

Tea: (Reaches her face up to meet his lips and kisses him as they continue to dance, more closely.)

Todd: (Melts into the kiss, his eyes closed. They swaydance as they kiss. He holds her, murmurs:) You are my angel.

Tea: (Murmurs:) You are my heart, my love.

Todd: (Murmurs:) You are mine. (Returns to kissing her as they sway, back to holding hands.)

Tea: (Takes him in her arms as they dance.)

Todd: (Reciprocates, swaydancing.)

[Scene fades out, along with song.]

[Scene: Mel and Viki, Banner City Room, next morning.]

Mel: Have you spoken with Todd yet?

Viki: Yes, but on other matters. He came to me wanting to talk with his big sister about some personal things. It wasn't at all the time to even mention your notes.

Mel: I understand. He does need to see them soon.

Viki: Oh, I agree. There's no sense in trying to sugar-coat any of it, either. My brother will see right through that.

Mel: None of it's sugar-coated. What Peter Manning did to him is hard to sugar-coat. It's hard to swallow.

Viki: Very.

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED