PREVIOUSLY

"Now she's not anything. She's just gone, and she didn't even say goodbye. Just left me and Daddy here to be sad and to miss her and she doesn't even care!" Her six year old heart breaking, she turned the pictures of herself with Tea's arms holding her, and the one next to it that Daddy took where they were on the swings, and made them face the wall.

"I hope I never see her ever again!!" She picked up her rabbit and cried secret tears into his soft, white fur.

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Author's Note: This m&m gal has noticed a strange phenomenon. The characters have started to speak for themselves and are taking over my story to tell their own.(g) Last week it was Starr's turn. This week it was Blair who was very vocal. Finally I had to cut her off. I enjoyed putting her in her place by doing this, some sort of pay back for Tea! I think she has dreams of ruling this story. Do keep your eye on her. She has plans. (g) Carlotta also did a lot of talking. Hope she wasn't too tedious. I finally told her to hush because she was bothering me too (g) Now if anyone is hogging Todd, please tell him to give me a call…..he's been kind of quiet lately…..This m&m promises more Todd and Tea heavy segments to follow. Thanks for your patience as the story builds itself and I deal with all these voices…..vbg

~m&m gal

When you gonna make up your mind?

When you gonna love you as much as I do?

~ Tori Amos "Winter"

Carlotta looked up as the bell above the Diner's door announced a new customer. She smiled, an automatic response at first glance, as she recognized Tea. Her easy greeting got stuck on her tongue as she took a longer second look at her. She dropped the towel she was using to dry the coffee mugs and immediately started around the counter. Without a word, she took her into her arms and held her in a tight hug.

"Tea, what is it? What happened?"

One look into her face and she knew who happened. The eyes of the girl as dear to her as a daughter were swollen and red-rimmed, her face was pale, and her faraway gaze seemed haunted, laced with pain and confusion.

"Tea, I swear to God if that man hurt you…"

Tea's head snapped up and she felt a surge of irrational anger surge through her.

"Damn it! Why is that always everyone's first thought? It's like it's always on the tip of everyone's tongue as soon as the name Todd Manning comes up! As if he's some kind of monster? He's not…he's just…he's not!"

Carlotta's worried gaze grew in intensity.

"Oh Carlotta…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to direct that at you. You just…you don't understand him, you know? I don't know if anyone really does…but he's not a monster. He's had monstrous things done to him, though, things that left a scar much deeper than the one visible on his face. Where were all the slayers of Monsters when Todd needed to be saved?" she asked, a tear in her voice when she remembered some of the horror that was his past.

"My dear girl, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved."

"At six years old, he wanted to be saved….."

"Tea, listen to me. What if it's too late? This cannot go on. How many times are you going to let him break you like this just because something in him is broken?"

"Not broken, just twisted up…" Tea muttered softly, recalling his own description. Carlotta went on.

"He break's your heart, he breaks your spirit…he's killing you slowly, don't you see that? This needs to find its proper end."

Tea only stared at her, silent and afraid. Carlotta squeezed her hand and led her to a chair.

Tea sat down and turned her face away, her mouth a tight line of pain and anxiety, in an attempt to pull herself together. Carlotta knew her better than anyone, and she trusted her. She knew she meant well, but she wasn't sure she could make her understand. How could she when she didn't understand herself?

"If the end is so right, then why does it hurt so bad that it's over?" Tears streaming down her face, she looked at Carlotta for an answer she knew she couldn't give.

"You and everyone else got your wish. I'm free…" she said softly. "Free…" She let the word hang in the air and it changed nothing. It sounded equally cold, hollow, and lonely the second time around.

"You left him?" Carlotta questioned gently.

"No…yes…oh, I don't know Carlotta. For a short time, what may have been just mere minutes but seemed to span a beautiful eternity for me…Todd's walls came down. He let me in! I thought we'd reached a level where there was no turning back." Her eyes took on a certain warmth at the memory, and Carlotta's heart twisted at the look of love in them. "He let me get close to him, emotionally….and physically. We were about to make love, and I'd never felt that much before," she blushed at the memory, and she trailed off, her trembling hands beginning to toy with the napkin.

"And then what Tea?" Carlotta prodded gently, figuring she already knew the response. She took her hand in her own. "Did he become violent? Did he frighten you?"

"No….no….he just shut down. The walls returned. His voice was faraway-like, and his eyes…his eyes turned so cold. He said…he said some painful things. Carlotta, I didn't want to believe them, but his eyes….so cold, and he didn't want to touch me anymore, he wouldn’t even come near me. He did everything in his power to push me away, and I let him. I had to get out of there, so I just left. I left him…and oh God, I left Starr!"

Tea's face went so white Carlotta ran to get her a cup of tea from behind the counter. When she returned, she did her best to calm the woman in front of her whose past had just caught up with her.

"Tea, take a deep breath. You did the only thing you could do. The only thing you knew how…."

"What my mother taught me to do….to run when things got rough. Carlotta, I didn't even say goodbye! I was too caught up in my pain and Todd's! What kind of mother am I?" She answered her own question. "She'd be SO proud."

"No! This is different, Tea. Maybe this is what was meant to be."

"If I'm meant to be without Todd and Starr, my family, then why do I feel so lost? I don't feel like I just gained freedom and the right to start over again. I feel like I just lost my biggest happiness."

"And your biggest cross to bear?" Carlotta wasn't trying very hard to hide her disapproval of Todd as Tea's soul mate.

"No….a part of me. I don't feel whole anymore, Carlotta. I feel like I left all traces of who I am and what I want behind at that Penthouse. My husband and my stepdaughter are my life and my love."

Carlotta sighed, feeling beaten, and beginning to wonder if she was really missing something.

"I don't know what to tell you Tea. You know how I feel about Todd…I don't trust him. BUT…you also know how I feel about you. I trust you to know your own heart and mind, and who am I to question you? I love you, I trust you, and I want the best for you. It's has to be up to you to find out what that is. For the record, I do think you know a part of Todd that no one else will ever know. You might know him better than anyone, so it isn't for me to discourage you. Follow your heart."

"I don't know what to do…I don't know what to do! A part of me is so tired that I don't know if I can do it anymore. But the stronger part of me is telling me not to give up on Todd…on us…the same part of me that screams at me that he is my soulmate and a soul in need of healing that only love can bring. Love that maybe I could bring him if only…" her gaze grew distant as she became lost in the possibility, "if only he'd let me."

"Tea, you can't save him. You have to understand that. Only Todd can save Todd. He has to want to do it. Does he?"

"I don't even think he believes he's worth saving Carlotta. That's what hurts me so much. You should see him with Starr, when nobody is looking," she smiled at the vision. "He has so much love trapped inside him, and so much he hides. He is SO consumed by demons. It kills me to watch him sometimes, torturing himself with them every second of his life. He thinks there is no escape." She took Carlotta's hand and squeezed it, hope returning to her eyes for a quick second. " I want to be his escape. The place he can go to find safety, love, dreams….I want to be his port in the storm that is his life. And if that means taking on his pain as my own, I will!"

"Listen to me, Tea. You cannot take that on yourself. What about your pain? Your demons? I've seen them like no one else! While you are so busy looking out for Todd, who's looking out for Tea?"

"You are, Carlotta. I never doubt that and I love you for it. And somehow, the pain of my own past becomes much more silent when I'm with Todd and Starr….my family. It's like I've found my place in this world, a place where I belong and a purpose in all the rest of it. I think we can be a healing place for each other. Carlotta, I love him. I do. He makes me more than I am, and more than I ever dreamed I could be. At his best, we complete each other. At his worst, I want him to see past it back to his best again. My love for Todd will never be as neat and tidy as some, but I don't want neat. I just want Todd, for all that he is underneath it all. It isn't reaching for the non-existent Carlotta. It's there. I've seen it."

She sighed deeply.

"None of that matters now, though, does it? Last night, for a reason I can't understand, Todd gave up on me, on us…and on himself." She described in detail the final moments between herself and Todd the night before and they attempted to make sense of it.

Carlotta shared her confusion.

"I can't make heads or tails of it, Tea. Why such a sudden turn-around? What about this thing with Blair? Was it all just manipulation on her part, or could there be something to it?"

"Blair was just being Blair, I think. They'll always be connected through Starr, and I would never downplay that aspect of it, but as for what she was implying? No, I don't think so."

"Be careful of her, Tea. I trust her even less than I trust Todd sometimes. Listen, why don't you go get some of your things from the Penthouse. Stay with me for a few days while you clear your head, and then….talk to him Tea. Talk to him."

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Blair was enjoying a rare moment of power at the Sun that morning. She had grown men jumping when she snapped her fingers. Usually Todd beat her to the office in the mornings. Most of the time she suspected he never went home. She wondered how Tea liked sleeping in a bed that was cold every night, and grinned slyly. The grin didn't last long as she remembered the chill in her own sheets these days.

Slightly irritated and a tiny bit curious, Blair checked her watch and wondered what was keeping him that morning. Brian, the young and cocky Sun intern, wandered into the office at that moment to drop something on her desk.

"The Boss isn't in yet, huh?"

"Ummm…hello? What do I look like?" she asked with raised eyebrows. Why don't the little people recognize my obvious status in this place, she wondered.

"Oh, you're looking fine, Ms. Daimler. Oh so fine!"

Blair made a face at him and pretended to be offended. The shrill ring of the telephone interrupted her building rebuttal.

"The Sun. Blair Daimler. Publisher…."

"Says who?"

"Todd?"

"None other than…Todd Manning, Publisher. That term goes after my name on the letterhead, remember that!"

"Only when you're here…" she said slyly.

"Whatever. Look, I'm not coming in today, at least not during the day. I've got…things….to take care of today." He glanced at Starr, sitting quietly with her sweater on in the corner. She looked like she was seeing something very far away.

"Listen, Mr. 'the Sun revolves around me'….."

"The Sun doesn't revolve…."

"I don't have time for this and neither does the rest of your employees. We've got a paper to run. You were supposed to 'take care of things' last night," she said wryly, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "I warned you, didn't I? Always told you she was the Ice Queen. I don't call her that for nothing." She could hear Todd beginning to bristle.

"Look Blair, I don't owe you an explanation, but this isn't about Tea. Tea's not an issue."

"Whoa! She's so bad she's not even an issue, huh?" She woke up in too good a mood to let anything pass today. "Seriously though, the depth of your love for your wife is endearing. Really. I'm touched." Even though he didn't get the benefit of it, she rolled her eyes.

He 'heard' her do it. It infuriated him.

"Blair, Tea's gone, damn it, ok? You happy?" He was about to go on when he noticed Starr nervously unraveling a thread from the sleeve of her sweater with a trembling lip.

He lowered his voice and heard Blair raise her eyebrows on the other end.

"Well, well, well….so what are your plans now, Todd? Going to sit home and wait for Lassie to Come Home?" she giggled, impressed by herself beyond words.

""Actually, I had planned on hanging around to convince MY daughter that she has at least one parent who cares about her." He knew it was a cruel and unfair testament both to Blair and to Tea, but she was testing emotions that were already shot, and he wanted to repay the favor.

Blair answered only with a stony silence.

"Look, just run the paper….not into the ground….think you can handle that?"

She opened her mouth to reply just as he hung up loudly in her ear.

"Damn that man!" she fumed. Passing by the door again, Brian poked his head into the office.

"Soooo….do I get to be the bearer of good news and tell everyone that the Boss isn't coming in today?" He was good at listening outside of the door and he'd caught the tail end of the conversation. Blair noticed he had no shame. She figured that might come in handy sometime.

"Go for it," she grumbled, still staring poison darts at the phone.

"Can't say I blame him…if I had me a woman like Tea Manning at home, I'd call in sick a lot too. She's one that can keep a man busy…" he was about to go on, but he noticed Blair's face turning a rare shade of purple. He needed this job. He was buying credits for school wherever he could get them.

"Brian, get the hell out of here, will you?" she asked through gritted teeth.

"Sure Madame Boss Lady…."

Hey….not bad, she thought. At least somebody respects me. Maybe the whip in her dream wasn't mere fantasy.

These days, the Sun was driving her like nothing else. Todd was going to have to learn that she was as much in charge of the paper as he was. One way or another.

With a satisfied grin, she tilted the chair back as Todd did in his position of lazy dominance and moved to put her feet up. Todd always looked like a man on a power trip in that pose. She smiled wider and leaned back, the power really starting to take hold, when the chair shot backwards with a start and she landed in a surprised heap on the floor.

"Damn you, Todd," she muttered from somewhere half under the desk.

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Tea hovered outside of the Penthouse door. Several times she had tried to reach out with a trembling hand and started to insert her key in the lock. Each time she would pull back, unsure.

"You can do this, Tea." She whispered in the lonely hallway. She didn't know what to do if she found Todd on the other side of the door. She was not afraid of him, but of herself. Tea was sure she did not have the strength to walk out again. Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself and pushed open the door like a bull charging a victim. Once she made up her mind, there was no turning back.

Surprised, she was greeted by dead silence. Then she checked her watch and realization hit. Starr was already at school and Todd was most likely burying himself in a pile of work at the Sun.

As she walked past the answering machine, she noticed the light was blinking, alerting her that the tape was nearly full.

Strange….she thought for a mere second. She remembered clearing it before she went up to bed last night. She considered taking the time to screen the messages, but her heart sunk as she realized that today there would be no little "Toddism" left behind for her….he didn't want or expect her to be home. She left the light blinking like a beacon. Better to just get in and get out. Do what needs to be done. Don't bend, don't break.

The memories surrounded her so completely she choked back a sob…..

Upstairs, she halted abruptly at Todd's bedroom door. Thoughts of last night hit hers so hard it felt like she'd been physically punched in the stomach. She closed her eyes and tried to regain herself. It didn't work. With her eyes closed, she could feel the tenderness of his kiss and the warmth of each gentle caress on her skin.

She opened her eyes and ran to her room. As if in a whirlwind, she threw whatever she could get her hands on into a bag as fast as she could. Then she turned on her heel and bolted for the door. She stopped for a second at the entrance to Starr's room and slowly wandered in. She smiled with affection at the big white bunny that Starr had tucked into the bed before she left for the day. She picked him up and gazed into his soulful rabbit eyes, knowing he held all of Starr's secrets in there. They were so sympathetic….

"Oh God, help me get my family back." She sank to the bed and sobbed into his soft white fur for all that was lost and all that was still out there to find.