PREVIOUSLY

He buried his head in the softness of it, as he had buried his face in her hair earlier, breathing in the scent of her, and did what was so against his nature.

Todd Manning cried the tears of a man who had just lost his everything.

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Where fear and confusion lurk in the night

And  doubt threatens to steal your sight

When love seems lost and bitterness stronger

The hope you cling to with you no longer

Where strength is gone and sadness reigns

When no one wins and no one gains

Where sins of the past hold all the blame

And honorable intentions become a game

The heart grows dark and the dark grows cold

As the soul keeps secrets it never told.

When your vision of the future fades to black

You cannot look forward; too afraid to look back.

Then look to tomorrow which brings a new start

A new day finds faith and returns strength to the heart

Promises forgotten are brought back to mind

Hope is remembered and dreams seal the bind.

Never give up and don't ever give in

For tomorrow forever is about to begin.

-----m&m gal

You go there, you're gone forever

I go there, I'll lose my way

Stay here, we'll go together

Anywhere is…….

-----Enya "Anywhere Is"

(Author's note: Look to Tomorrow continues where Maybe Tonight left off…I felt that a new day called for a new title, and selfishly just wanted to confuse you because I was bored with the same old-same old…VBG…Todd has made the ultimate sacrifice…keep in mind he loves Tea deeply, and that the only reason he was able to let go of her was because of this love and the heartache that comes from his intense fear of what he could become. Though Tea is not entirely convinced that Todd no longer loves her, her own demons have given her enough room to question. Pushed to the brink of confusion, she disappeared into the night….two lost souls who can't find their way home.

Author's Warning: The reader may be moved to throw heavy objects at the mention of a particular tape. If you hang in with me, I promise not to cause you bad memories and unnecessary grief without a payoff in the end. THE TAPE IS NOT PINK! I like to picture it as an interesting shade of blue. For the time being, console yourself with that. VBG)

It was the longest night that he had ever known. Todd Manning had hosted many a dawn alone, when all over Llanview, others were waking up with hope in their hearts for the new day ahead and the arms of their loved ones holding them close. For the last two hours, he had stared out at the waking world through the glass of the Penthouse window, watching, wondering….waiting for some sign that his actions earlier in the evening were worth the intense pain that ripped through him to the core. Here and there across the city, small dots of light broke the repetitive black of the night, as the early risers prepared to face a new day. He cringed, wishing that the darkness would just envelop him in its grasp and save him a lifetime of endless pain such as he felt without her…..

Without her…..

He had sent her away…he had to. The darkness within him contaminated everything he touched. He spent his life on earth wrapped up in his own private hell, and if he had let her inside of himself as fully as he wanted to, it would have consumed her in the end.

"No Delgado….that's not how it's gonna be for you. Not if I can help it." His words echoed off the cold walls, and he had the unwelcome sense of being in a prison.

No escape……no escape….only darkness…and the chill….he was always so cold inside.

But not when she was with him….

The Penthouse door rattled ever so slightly in its hinges, and he jumped to attention.

"Tea?" He crossed the floor to the door in seconds and pulled it open so hard it almost came loose.

The hallway was a dark and endless void of silence and ghosts. Still, he could not close the door right away…he had to be sure…Acceptance is slow in coming when the heart wants something to be true so badly you can taste it.

Todd had lost track of the number of times that he had gone to grab his coat to start off after her. Haunted by her face, it was all that he could do to stop himself. He needed to toughen up somehow if he was going to keep any distance between them.

"Can't keep giving in like this, Manning. Sooner or later you will see her, and you'll have to go through it again…make it stick." With grudging respect, he thought of Viki and what she had once told him…if you love something, set it free…there was more to it, but the rest slipped his mind. Or maybe at that point he just stopped paying attention. It all sounded like some kid's fairy tale to him anyway, and he'd never had much use for them.

Back at his vantage point over Llanview, he noticed that the first light of morning began to brighten the sky. His head pounding and his heart feeling twisted up in his chest, the only comfort he could find was the knowledge that somewhere beneath the sky that was slowly turning bright with a golden softness, Tea was out of harms way, safe from his life, his pain, but still very much a part of his heart.

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Tea Delgado wandered the streets of the city, oblivious to the chill the early morning wind carried and the strange looks she was receiving from "the early morning jogging set." Several times, she started to listen to the voice inside her head which told her that it was not safe to be out when barely another soul was within reach; she turned to go home, before she remembered that she never really had one. She thought once and for all that she had finally made one with Todd and Starr, but that was before she had realized she was kidding herself all along.

"Tea Delgado does not belong anywhere, and she never did." She blushed crimson when a portly little shopkeeper turned to stare at the young woman talking to herself as she made her way down the street in a tattered dress that one would never mistake for new anymore.

She had spent the better portion of her life up to this point trying to force the issue. When she did not fit naturally, she refused to hang back at the edges and feel the burn of rejection. Her MO was to throw herself into the mix and fight her way into the circle.

Let them look down their noses at me…the whole lot of them. I'll show them who I am…I'm Tea Delgado and I will not be held down by anyone.

If only she felt as strong as her mantra. They were only words to match a good front, an illusion so well practiced that she could act oblivious even in her sleep.

She could act oblivious when the one thing in her life that she thought was true turned out to be nothing but another lost battle. Todd Manning was more than the fight of her life. He was the fight for her life.

Up to this point, she'd thrown herself willingly into the fire, but only up to a point. She had always reserved a little piece for herself so that when the inevitable rejection came it would not mean total annihilation of her soul. With Todd, she had felt herself slipping from the very beginning. He took all of her, and for the first time in her life, the thought of a total giving over of herself was not something she feared. As complicated as he was, somehow she understood, and she felt safe. Never before had she felt that she'd had a place, a life, a love, or a future to call her own. When she met Todd, despite all his well monitored, carefully controlled defenses, it felt right. Not that it wasn't a struggle. It was a struggle that clicked in right from the beginning as one worth fighting, and she was not the only one who could reign victorious when all was said and done. They each had the ability to reach into the soul of the other to bring out the very best that was hidden from the rest of the world. Somehow, both would emerge a winner. From the first moment that Todd had trusted her with his most valued possessions, his daughter, and ultimately, his trust as well, she felt such a strange and overwhelming sensation….

"Like coming home…" This time, the shopkeeper looked up from his sweeping and smiled, but she didn't notice. Instead, she was staring intensely at the delicate gold band that looped around her finger. She wanted all the promise, the trust, the friendship, the passion, and the sense of belonging that came with the bond of marriage. Tea made a silent plea to God that someday, Todd wanted those things as badly as she did, and that he would want them with her.

What had started out as a hoax had become the most real thing that she had ever known. The joke was on them; she had not realized that fate had such an interesting sense of humor. They had fit into some higher Plan like pieces of a puzzle in their proper slots, and for a time, it had somehow felt so right as the other things in life started to fall into place around them to create the full vision of what a life together could be.

Tea was jarred from her thoughts by a light tap on her shoulder. The kind face of the shopkeeper was a mask of gentle concern.

"Miss, I can't help but notice…are you all right? Pretty girl like you shouldn't be wandering the streets of Angel Square alone at this hour. You look as though your world just came to an end, my dear."

Looking into the strangers warm eyes, she felt her resolve begin to fade away as her heart twisted painfully in her chest. Trying desperately to cover a breaking spirit, she attempted a light laugh, but the tears that filled her eyes and threatened to spill over betrayed any attempt to lie.

"I think it did---and there is nothing at all I can do about it." She stared down at the ground while he handed her a Kleenex to dry her eyes with. She had always been humiliated by her own tears. Her brothers convinced her it was a sign of weakness, and that she would never get anywhere in this world if she was not strong no matter what.

"Sure there is young lady…there is plenty you can do. It's healthy to grieve, but then, when the tears are over, its time to fight. Nothing worth having comes without a good old fashioned struggle, you know."

"That's just it, though. We've been fighting for so long…fighting so hard. I think we might be killing each other in the end.."

"Miss, the important thing to remember is to fight for each other, rather than to fight against each other. In times like these, it can be so hard to keep these things separate in your mind…to know what is right." His eyes seemed to glow with knowledge born of experience. She turned his words over in her mind, trying to get a grasp on all that he told her.

"Oh God…how I want to do the right thing! The right thing…" She laughed bitterly. " How can I when the right thing changes each day, every moment? The rules keep changing." She shook her head with the confusion of it all.

"In my experience, you have to listen to what is inside. Your heart is like a compass…deep down, you always know what is right. Let the truth be your guide."

"I'm…I'm not sure that I can hear it anymore." Her voice became a whisper.

He laughed softly.

"Sometimes it starts to whisper on you, but it's never really silent. You just have to listen a little harder in times like these. Give it some time, and I think you will find that all of your answers have been there all along." His clear blue eyes continued to shine with some secret wisdom, and the wrinkles that surrounded them added to the sense of an all knowing which could only come from experience.

She continued to look skeptical, nonetheless. He shook his head with the same gentle smile. She was a tough one.

"Wait here." He walked with some difficulty and disappeared into the store. She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling the chill of the morning as she waited with curiosity. In such a hurry to outrun the pain she'd felt at Todd's words and his sudden backpedaling, she had left her coat behind. Thinking back, she remembered the last time that he had sent her out into the cold, then with only a coat and her pain and humiliation.

"Why Todd? Why? Why now when we were so close to finding our way and having it all?"

She felt that they had come such a long way. Tea was sure that, as desperate as she was to find it, that she had not invented the bond that she felt between them last night, the depth of shared feelings, dreams, and desires. One minute she felt forever within their reach, and in the next shared heartbeat, it was all gone. She wanted so badly for the confusion to end somewhere. She pulled herself from her thoughts and brushed at the remaining tears that had escaped her eyes at the memory. The old man emerged from the darkness of the store, still closed to the rest of the world at this early hour. In her frazzled state of mind, she had not even noticed that the store was a quaint little old fashioned flower shop.

"I want you to have something besides just the words of an old man," he started. In his hand he held three roses. He began to hand them to her, one by one.

"The yellow rose signifies friendship, truth, loyalty, and generosity of spirit. The red one is a symbol of the power of eternal love and passion of the heart. And the white---the white is my favorite. The white rose has always stood for faith and the power of eternal hope. As pure as love…put all of them together, and you hold the formula for love in your hand."

"I'm afraid you better take all these back…I'm beginning to think that love is something I just can't handle. I'm all out of faith, I don't do much to foster any passion, and I'm afraid I haven't been much of a friend either." She shrugged, tears threatening yet again.

"Nonsense! I won't take them back. They're my gift to you, young lady, to help you remember. When you remember, you'll find all that you think you lost. Love doesn’t come without struggle, even in the best of times, but once you find it, I mean REALLY find it, it's yours forever. If you give up now, you'll never know. Think about that. Have faith. Don't give up on love." He smiled at her, and without another word, he disappeared once again behind the door of his shop.

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Blair Daimler woke up to the insistent screeching of her alarm clock and pulled herself from a dream in which she ran The Sun by sheer power of will and a leather whip. She grinned at the memory and rolled over to grab a few final moments of dream state glory.

Dorian had other plans…

"BLAIR! Get out of bed this minute! Every second wasted is one that demon ex-husband of yours is plotting to pull the rug right out from under you. Don't you realize how important it is to seal the Cramer legacy for us all? Think of Starr, for goodness sakes!" She pulled the blankets off of her niece and Blair shrank, indignant, from the cold and her shrill tone at this time of the morning.

"Dorian, the difference of an hour is not going to seal The Sun's fate, okay? Second of all, I ALWAYS think about Starr, so don't even go there with the little guilt trip thing. Besides, something tells me that Todd might not have been in his usual rush to get to work this morning," she said wryly.

"All right, Ms. Riddle-me-This, what are you talking about?" Dorian's tone was a mix of annoyance and curiosity.

"Must you make me remember such a thing when I'm trying so hard to forget? My little girl is in that house, you know!"

"BLAIR!! What are you talking about? Is Starr in trouble? What?!!"

"Noooo Dorian. Todd and his Stepford wife had a big blow up last night, due in part to some interesting machinations from yours truly," she giggled, "you would have been so proud. The part I'm trying to forget is how desperate Todd looked to 'make up' with her. Ugh." She made a face like she just sucked a lemon. "Now that's something to picture on an empty stomach."

"Wine and roses? Todd? Now that's a laugh!"

"Yeah, well, shocked the heck out of me too, but I've got Todd's love rantings and ravings right here. He left a tape recorder running as he went on and on, singing the Ice Queen's praises." Her eyes fell on the tape that she'd left beside her bag upon coming home the night before.

"Hmmmm…" Dorian's eyes took on a strange glow. "And what, pray tell, are you planning on doing with that, huh?"

Blair looked a bit embarrassed.

"Honestly? I don't know. Somehow, without knowing why, I felt kind of sorry for Todd last night."

"Sorry…FOR TODD?" Dorian walked over to Blair, took her by the shoulders, and gave her a good shake. "Snap out of it!"

"Well, you weren't there, okay? In the light of the morning, I'm not sure what I was thinking. But anyway, I've got it, and it could come in handy, somehow."

Dorian looked like the cat who just swallowed the canary.

"That it could, my girl. That it could."

Blair suddenly felt a little uneasy about her decision to bring home the tape.

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The full scale of the new day found Todd and Tea at opposite sides of their shared world. Neither could find the ability to grasp where they were, or just how they had gotten there. In their hearts, where smoke screens find themselves suddenly inactive and even the harshest attempts to deny the truth become impossible, both were very aware that the only place they ever felt truly alive was in each other's arms.

Todd touched the glass of the window one last time before heading upstairs to wake Starr. Stopping by his bedroom, his heart twisted as his eyes fell on the bed he wanted so badly to share with her….

"Tea…." Her name escaped his lips with the power of hope that had to remain unrealized.

Tea looked up at the morning sky, clutching the small bouquet of roses against her,and whispered his name so low that the wind carried it away.

"Todd…"

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(for anyone wanting a little musical score to go along with that final scene…(-: )

It Must Have Been Love, by Roxette

Lay a whisper on my pillow

Leaves of winter on the ground

I wake up lonely, a stare of silence

In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now

I close my eyes

And dream a way…

It must have been love

But it's over now

It must have been good

But I lost it somehow

It must have been love

But it's over now

From the moment we touched

To the time I ran out

Keep believing we're together

That I'm sheltered by your heart

But in a knapsack, I turn to water

Like a teardrop, then you're gone

And it's so hard, winters fade

I dream a way…

It must have been love

But it's over now

It was all that I wanted

Now I'm living without

It must have been love

But it's over now

It's where the water flows

It's where the wind blows……