PREVIOUSLY

Tea turned to him and smiled, unaware of the inner war he was waging with himself. She closed Starr's door over behind her, and moved in close, surprising him from his thoughts with a gentle kiss of renewed invitation. She noticed that he was slow to respond to her kiss, and backed off nervously.

(Author's note: This segment gets a little bit extreme and may not be suitable for all readers. )

Todd carried Tea into the darkness of his bedroom, and he closed the door gently behind them. He put her down rather awkwardly on the bed, and then sat down beside her, the bedsprings squealing their characteristic objection.

Tea laughed somewhat nervously. There was always something about her laughter that he had found fascinating. It was a little surprising to him in the beginning…the way it broke the front she tried to put on for the world and let you in on her secret. To most people, she was all business and no pleasure…a formidable presence. She often came across as a hard-edged woman of steel, especially if you were sitting across from her in the courtroom.

Lots of bark, but just as much bite, he thought with affection.

That was the label that crossed many minds when the name Tea Delgado entered a conversation. Until she let you inside her world. He had fallen victim to her disguise once upon a time, until she'd shattered the illusion with a laugh that rivaled that of a carefree little girl and the tears of a soul that remained secretly broken in two.

Thinking back, he could easily recall the first time he had taken notice of her with more than a mere passing glance. His every thought turned towards gaining sole custody of his daughter, still, somehow she broke through his line of focus and instantly grabbed his attention.

So hard to ignore…even then…there was something…

He had been drawn first to her eyes, cold and steely, totally unwavering even in the face of his harshest glare, which he had directed at her just for good measure to insure that in their dealings, he meant business. Ever the Teflon Tea, a snide attempt to disgust her with his reputation received such little enthusiasm…barely an eyelash batted at him…that he was almost moved to check for a pulse. In that first meeting, there was a thought that kept returning, unwarranted, to the front of his mind.

Has there ever been any softness in those eyes of hers?

The woman who stood before him, in a suit so well starched he wondered if she could sit down without cracking into a million pieces, was something of an enigma. He liked that. The term was usually associated with him. His mind screamed at him that he could be safe with a woman like her. Love and all that came with it could not even be an issue for someone as hard core as she appeared.

Cold as ice, this one is. Good thing, too. Last time he melted was a time he'd rather forget.

He did not pride himself on being wrong very often, but it took mere days for him to reverse his original preconceptions about her. When it came to Tea, the play book was of no use at all. They made up the rules as they went along. (g)

Beneath her tough as nails exterior, the woman was a mystery waiting to be solved. She was far more than mere speculation and imagination could even fathom. There were so many parts of her that she kept well hidden, burying herself behind the safety of an Iron Curtain so similar to the one he drew around himself. It became obvious that she only let certain people into her well protected world.

Todd secretly thanked whatever force which ruled these things for handing him his entrance ticket. When she let you wander behind the gates, she was an endless mystery, and he secretly delighted in all that there was to discover. The same complexity and depth that should have scared him away had he stuck to his original plan of "no emotional junk" pulled him in like a magnet. The same eyes that drew him to her in the first place were the key. He realized soon after that first occasion…where they stood sizing each other up like two prize fighters unwilling to return to the emotional ring yet ready to find in each other the sparring partner ready to take on the fight at hand… that everything she was now, everything she had ever been, and all that she would ever be, was in those eyes, totally unprotected. Once he unlocked that secret, there was no way she could ever hide from him.

She was not hiding from him now. Eyes shining, she moved closer to him and studied him carefully, trying to gauge his thoughts.

If only she knew the extent to which she ruled them, he thought.

She owned his heart, his soul, and his thoughts even on the occasions when he tried with all that was in him to cast her aside.

You should…ya know…push her aside. It's for her own protection. You'll only hurt her…scare her…that's all you know how to do.

Sometimes his thoughts took on a familiar gruff voice that almost reduced him to scream with fear and panic. The voice belonged to his father.

NO! NO, I won't! I can love her! I can love her like she needs to be loved! She makes it okay, she makes it all okay!

He usually gave in to the thoughts that were as much a part of him as an arm or a leg. After many years of having them physically ingrained into his being they could be almost impossible to silence. Looking at her now, he summoned the strength to push them back to a place where he could temporarily lock them away. She had become his life, his love, his hope that one day, the life they lead together could silence the demons once and for all.

Does she know she's my port in the storm?

With her, he had the sense that she waited for him at the top of a ladder that he climbed slowly, little by little, day by day. He did it himself, but only with her help, pulling himself almost painfully up from all the horrors that marked his life to something real, something better, something they could find together. He was fairly sure that once he reached her, they might find another ladder to climb, but this time, they would do it together. When he thought of the possibility of each victory, and when he looked at her, things weren't so impossible any more.

He was unaware that he was smiling. Suddenly self conscious, Tea squirmed a bit under the intensity of his gaze mixed with the wonder of the far away look…the directness of the eyes which held such secrets, such hidden pain, but also so many dreams. Unable to take it anymore as the silence became deafening, she jabbed him a bit with her elbow to "snap him out of it."

"All right Manning, tell me what's running through that mind of yours, huh?" Her voice was gentle, curious.

"You," he answered point-blank, startling her with his directness. "Nothing else but you."

She returned his gaze for a long moment, and then she quickly turned away. Her movement wasn't swift enough to hide eyes shining with unshed tears in the mild darkness.

Todd stood up and went over to the bureau in search of a lighter to add the soft glow of candlelight to the room. As he shuffled through piles of unidentifiable items, his eyes fell on a picture of Tea and Starr which sat on his dresser, waiting to be framed. If an outsider were to see it, they probably would not even consider that Tea wasn't Starr's biological mother by the way she looked at her with such depth of love and affection in her eyes. She never denied her anything…not the love or the attention that was taken from her when she was almost as young as Starr. It was hard to remember a time when she ever seemed uncomfortable around his daughter, but he knew that she had once upon a time been full of apprehension and an almost overwhelming fear to be so responsible for the little girl. She who had been a stranger to the joys and gifts of a mother's unconditional love became an instant mother, overnight. Deep down, he knew she struggled with the idea of letting Starr so far into her life and into her heart, and sharing herself with Starr…if she failed he knew she'd see herself as the image of her own mother which haunted her every day since she'd woken up to learn her mother had flown the coop. He knew that this fear of becoming her mother was an inner demon every bit as powerful as his fear to avoid turning into his father.

He wanted to tell her then and now that she had nothing to fear. The woman who thought herself to be incapable of a mother's love was phenomenal at motherhood, step or not. It was one of his secret pleasures to listen outside of Starr's bedroom door as Tea wove a fairy tale that would make Cinderella pale in comparison. She totally lost herself and any trace of fear when she joined in a late afternoon tea party, a quick and messy cooking lesson, or a girl talk gossip fest. The woman who had lost all traces of the joys of childhood at the age of seven became a child again as she raced Starr at the park, on foot to get to the statue of the horse or on the swings to see who could touch the clouds first. As she opened Starr's eyes….and his own…to the beauty of the world, so did she remove the veil of doubt and fear from her own.

She makes me so happy I could almost believe that there is a heaven after all. As if maybe my life won't be one big horror movie forever…maybe, starting tonight, Todd Manning can really live.

He wanted to start his new life by taking her into his arms and making love to her.

Todd was jarred from his thoughts by a quick stab of pain as sharp metal cut into one finger.

"Ow…Dammnit!"

Tea left her spot on the bed and came quickly to his side to make sure he was ok. She flipped on the small light next to the bed stand to examine the reason for his exclamation.

"What is it? Did you cut yourself?" Her face was a mask of concern.

"Yeah…but it's ok." He pulled out the offending object. It was his father's gold lighter.

He dropped it as if he'd been burned. She noticed his reaction and looked with disdain at the lighter.

"Do you really want to hold on to that Todd? Maybe it's time to bury it with all the evil memories it brings up for you."

"No….I need it to remind me…"

She looked at him, her eyes full of sadness for the pain that was deeply etched in his face, in his eyes, and in his being.

"I don't think any of that is worthy of being remembered Todd. Not when we have this time…time to make some new memories…you, me, and Starr…we're a family now. I'll always be here, and I won't let the past come back to get you., not in any way, shape, or form." She ran a reassuring hand across his back as he seemed to be locked in a mental stare-down with the shiny metal symbol of the horror of the past. She was only somewhat aware of the inner battle he was waging within himself.

The candles were forgotten. He turned around to face her, his hands quickly encircling her waist and pulling her up against him. He needed her to be close, and he needed her to silence his doubts and his fears, he needed her to show him that it was okay, and that he could be the gentle loving husband that she needed.

He needed her to silence his father, and he needed her to silence what had been done in the past. Both what he had done, and what was done to him.

He kissed her, harder than he meant to, but she responded all the same. His hands were everywhere all at once, and she followed his lead and did not have to struggle to keep up with the tide that passion carried them on. She backed up slowly, leading him towards the bed, and he needed no convincing to follow her.

This time, she didn't notice or feel offended when the bed squeaked.

Her head reeled with thoughts….even now her brain always had to have the last word.

Maybe tonight wasn't just a dream after all…

Tonight is the first day of forever…

How I've waited for this moment, how I've needed to feel him this close…

I need to love him…need to silence the voices and show him there is something beyond pain…

He's willing to let me in…He's willing to love me…things will never be the same…he'll know once and for all how much I trust him… he'll see how much I need him…how much I love him…He'll let me take the pain away…

No more doubts…

No more fear…

No more anger…

No more tears…

Just us…Todd and me…man and wife, body and soul, friend, lover, comforter, protector…Forever.

"Soulmate…" she whispered breathlessly out loud as his hands started to fumble with the buttons of the shirt she had borrowed to be close to him earlier in the night. The last button undone, he parted the material and she pulled the shirt away from her body, laying before him, eyes shining, body and soul exposed to him and waiting to be his once and for always.

He looked down at her, his eyes traveling the length of her body and then all at once and coming to settle on her eyes…

Her eyes don't lie…

So beautiful…

Her eyes were wide…waiting for him, wanting him…

No fear…she has no fear…

She had never been more beautiful, never looked more vulnerable, he had never wanted her so much….

He had never been so afraid of himself in all his life.

She reached for him, but he continued to gaze down at her, his mind whirling. He couldn't breathe. His heart was pounding so hard it hurt.

What the hell do you think you're doing…you can't love her. You'll destroy her.

Andrew's words from long ago came back to haunt him…

Don't you ever wonder why everything you touch you destroy? Everyone you touch ends up shattered and broken.

His father found a voice, too…

You little bastard…when you're mother gave birth to you she may as well have opened the porthole to hell. All you are is my cross to bear. Can't wait for the day when you become someone else's problem. You sorry little son of a bitch. You're never gonna amount to nothing! Nothing, do you hear me? The world would be better off if you would just drop dead you whiny little brat. One day, I'm gonna make something of of you. I'll make you a man I can be proud of…you're gonna be just like me…just like me…One day, you'll watch everything you touch become reduced to fear and horror in your presence. And you'll feed off that, my boy. You'll learn to love that feeling. You'll find yourself a woman who will melt just for you, and then you'll watch her die a slow death…a little more of her every day, as you show her the kind of man that your old man showed you how to be. You'll make me proud one day, my boy. God knows you've never given me anything to be proud of up till now. You owe me that. Go ahead…show me you are my boy…show me you are my son…See what it feels like to watch those trusting eyes fill up with cold hatred and fear that she's never known. You DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE BOY! You think you can love her? What the hell do you know about love? Our kind of love is good for one thing…show her what you are!

Todd began to shake violently.

Tea's eyes filled with confusion and fear. It burned him down to his soul. He hadn't even touched her yet and he'd scared her.

No…NOOOO! Not Tea…I would never hurt Tea. I love her. I will protect her. You'll see. I'll make you see that I'm different. I'll never be your son. Your blood doesn't run through my veins. I watched you die, you bastard! I watched you die and I relished every minute of it. If there is any justice in this world you are burning in hell right now. I'm not you. I'M NOT YOU!

He was dizzy…so dizzy. His fingers cut into his palm and formed welts that slowly began to bleed.

"Todd….TODD!!! What's going on? I'm frightened for you….tell me what's going on? "

His eyes focused on her for a moment…her eyes reflected only desperation to understand and the fear that comes from not knowing. But she had sat up and moved back from him. He had watched his mother back away from his father in a similar fashion…in the beginning.

"Todd, whatever it is, we can deal with it, I just need to know! Please, tell me what's wrong!" her voice cracking with emotion, she pleaded with him to understand.

He had heard his mother beg. He had heard her, seen her on her knees begging Peter Manning first for understanding, but later for deliverance.

I'm not him…I'M NOT HIM!

But Marty had begged, too. Until he silenced her. He had seen the light in her eyes die as quickly as one extinguishes a candle.

Tea watched an intense pain flash through his eyes….the depth of it scared her more than anything she'd ever witnessed before. She moved close to him on the bed.

He noticed she held the shirt up in front of herself.

She reached out with a hand that spited her need to comfort him through strength by trembling noticeably. She squeezed his arm, and jumped back when he pulled away from her as if he had been burned.

"Get away from me, Delgado. Get the hell away from me….now."

His voice shot through her. Cold and steely, it was almost unrecognizable to her. She shook her head, as if trying to get a better sense of it all by clearing a cobweb or two.

"Todd? I'm not gonna leave you. Nobody leaves. Not like this. We were about to make love…what happened? What's wrong? Tell me so that I can help you. I just want to help you Todd!"

"The only way you can help me is to get out of here and leave me the hell alone!!!" His voice rose in pitch and made her cringe on the inside, but she held steadfast.

"Listen, maybe I pushed you too much, ok? It's ok…we don't have to do this…maybe it's just not time yet..maybe not tonight, but it will come in time, Todd. We'll be okay. But I won't leave you. Not now, not ever. We're in this together."

"What do you need Delgado? HUH? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED ME TO SAY? Do you want me to tell you that I don't love you? That I was just kidding myself? That I cannot be with you because I don't feel attracted to you like this? Love for you and me? That was all an illusion. A dumb illusion that you wove like a fairy tale that you would make up for Starr. This isn't going to work. None of this will ever work…."

"Yes it will…don't you say that…it will. You are lying to me, Todd. YOU"RE LYING! I know you are. I know how you feel when you look at me. Your eyes don't lie either, do you know that? I LOVE YOU! I will never stop! We can have this…I promise you…we can have it all…the things you think about that you think you can hide from me? We can handle all that….together…..together, Todd."

"Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about…you don't know me….you don't really know me…and you don't want to either. And you know what else? Maybe I don't want to know you either. You helped me get what I want…my daughter. Great job, Delgado," he said with a disdain he didn't feel, mustered up from fear, "I'd applaud you if I cared enough."

"Stop it…STOP IT! You can't hide from me, not anymore…"

"The only one hiding here is you, Delgado…from the truth. You want the truth….I look at you, standing in front of me, and I suddenly feel nothing. Nothing. I don't want you. I don't need you. And I don't know why I ever thought I did. I bought you Tea…I bought you. And I got my money's worth, and now I don't need you anymore."

Her eyes went lifeless in seconds….

Don't…don't look at her, Manning. You need to do this…for her…if you love her, you'll save her. You know what you are…you know what you did…you know what you will become…what you could do to her. Let her go…save her…even if you have to hurt her, she won't know pain like that which you'll bring on her if she stays.

He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her how beautiful she was, how much he loved her and desired her, and that he would breath his last breath if she left him. But that wasn't an option. Not for Thomas Todd Manning.

I never should have let you love me…never should have fallen so damn hard for you.

His heart filled to the point of almost exploding with love for her.

She got up slowly, as if in a trance, and pulled the shirt around herself. Dizzy, she steadied herself by grabbing on to the bed stand. He almost reached out to hold her up, but stopped himself just in time…had to let her go….he had to let her go.

She grabbed her dress from the bedpost, and hypnotically pulled it on, leaving the shirt discarded on the floor.

Don't look back…you can never look back…

Her breath caught in her throat as she held back a strangled cry…He closed his eyes and prayed she'd go quickly. He felt her presence leave the room…her absence left a chill. Bound to live a life of bone-chilling days…he had to let her go.

Todd heard each footfall on the stairs…slow, painstakingly slow…he turned to stop her more times than he could count…and it took a little longer to stop himself each time.

The door slammed with a finality that shattered him into pieces. But it wasn’t her. She would survive, untouched by the lessons his father had instilled in him. She was all in one piece, and she'd be all right…maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but she'd be ok.

He might as well be dead. He felt maybe he was. Slowly, he picked up the shirt that she had left lying on the floor near the door. He held it up to his cheek…after just a couple of hours it smelled like her…soft, and beautiful, like her. His Tea. His love. His life. His soul.

He buried his head in the softness of it, as he had buried his face in her hair earlier, breathing in the scent of her, and did what was so against his nature.

Todd Manning cried the tears of a man who had just lost his everything.

****** To Be Continued in my next series, unnamed at press time (: