When Blair heard the news, she felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. She and Todd had had their share of battles, no doubt. It got especially ugly during their custody battle over Starr. But she never stopped loving him for what he brought into her life. An ally when she needed one the most. His love. A luminous, if brief, period of marital bliss. And their wonderful little girl. How in the world would she explain this to Starr?

She knew that the news would crush their daughter. Starr loved her father more than anything in the world. How could she tell Starr that she would never see her father's face, shining with the love he could freely bestow on her if no one else, or hear another one of his fractured fairy tales, or talk to him through Fred the Magic Frog?

Just that moment, Starr walked in, picked up from her kindergarten class by her nanny, Judith.

"Hi Mommy, look what I made at school. Teacher said we could draw what we love best in the whole wide world. It's a picture of Daddy! See?"

Blair moaned painfully and Starr stopped in her tracks, the picture lowering in her hand.

"Mommy, what's the matter?"

"Starr, Sweetie, come here. I have to talk to you, okay?"

Blair sat down on the sofa, making a place for Starr to sit down next to her.

"Starr, I have some bad news."

"What is it, Mommy?"

"I---" She looked into her daughter's bright young face. She couldn't do it. Not now. Not yet. "You know what? It can wait. Why don't we have some dinner and watch some T.V. Sesame street is on!"

"Okay! Wanna look at my picture?"

"Sure, sweetie."

Starr returned and pointed to a stick figure's representation of Todd. He was wearing a dark blue suit, his dark blond hair made into yellow streaks by Starr's crayons.

"I'm gonna keep drawing pictures of Daddy 'til he comes back. He's gonna come back, Mommy, isn't he?"

Blair just smiled and held her daughter, tears glistening in her eyes.

When Blair went back to her room to fix her face, Starr continued to play, but she was trouble. Starr had always been a child perceptive and intelligent beyond her years, and she sensed that something was very wrong. She saw it in her mother's eyes, and in her sad, downturned mouth. Blair smiled a lot around her, but she hadn't smiled all day, and that alone disturbed Starr. So when Blair tried several times to break the bad news to her daughter, Starr would either change the subject or run off to play.

She couldn't imagine what it could be, but she was afraid, and she wished her father was there to hold her and tell her everything was okay. But he was gone. Again. She missed him terribly, but she wasn't too upset because she knew that he would come back to her. He always did. And in the meantime, she had "Fred the Magic Frog."

She picked up the plushy green toy and put her mouth to one of it's ears.

"Daddy, can you hear me?" she whispered, "Daddy, come back soon. I miss you." She hugged the frog to her, and when Blair came in to talk to her, she ran downstairs to watch cartoons. Blair sighed and followed her and saw Starr happily laughing at an old Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Blair was saddened and frustrated. It was bad enough that she had to tell Starr that the person she loved most in the world was gone forever, but the longer she waited, the harder it would be to make those words come out of her mouth. And the harder it would be for Starr to hear them. She didn't know what to do. She sat down next to Starr and watched with her for a few minutes, her mind consumed with worry for her little girl. She barely heard when Starr called her name.

"Mommy?"

"Hmmm, yes sweetie?"

"When is Daddy coming back? I want him."

Blair steeled herself and tried to think of the right words, but were there any right words? Was there any way to shield Starr from the pain? She could avoid telling her, make her thing that Todd just went on a long trip. No, that was ridiculous. Eventually Starr would have to know and she would resent being tricked. She was a smart girl and she would grow up to be a savvy adult, Blair knew, a trait she got from both her parents.

she thought, stroking the child's hair.

She took the remote and turned off the television, and when Starr looked at her quizzically, she patted her lap for Starr to sit. Blair held her daughter closely and spoke softly. "Honey, you know that I love you more than anything on this big old planet, don't you?"

When Starr nodded, she continued on, "Sweetie, do you remember when Moose died? Did your daddy explain to you about that?"

"Daddy said he died and went to bird heaven. He won't ever come back, but he'll be happy and have lots of food and toys and other birds to play with."

"Yes sweetie," she swallowed hard, "Starr, your daddy went away..."

"But he's coming back," the little girl interrupted.

Blair held her closer, "No sweetie, he's not. You're daddy's in a good place now. Just like Moose. But he's not coming back. But you know, he'll always be with us here," she pointed to her and Starr's hearts. "We'll always love him and he's always loved you more than anything. You've always been the most important thing in the world to your daddy."

Starr pulled away, and stood facing her, blue eyes glistening with tears. "Daddy died and went to heaven...like Moose?"

Blair wanted to cry herself, but she fought it. "Sweetie--"

"Daddy won't come back?" Her brow was set in a firm, hard line, her sweet little girl voice demanding.

"No sweetheart. I'm so sorry." She tried to hug Starr to her, but Starr pulled away. She had expected something bad, but not this. Not her daddy. He had to come back! "No!" she yelled and bolted up the stairs to her room.

Blair couldn't keep it in any longer. The tears flowed down her face as she ran upstairs after her daughter. But she didn't know how on earth she could possibly comfort her after this. Somehow she would have to try.

Back to Part TWO

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