*****

Susannah could see the tension return to Todd's body. His face became taut. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in your bed, in your room at the hospital. You're safe. Sam and Viki are here too. Everything is all right. Open your eyes." Todd shook his head violently. Susannah knew he wasn't fully with them yet. "Todd, it's safe to come all the way back to us. Goodone, please help Todd to come out." Todd felt his hand being released from its tie to safety and peace. He started to feel cold. The light he had been in turned to darkness. He felt a gentle push toward the voice he was hearing. "Todd, open your eyes now. I want you to come all the way to my voice." Todd knew he had no choice. He no longer had any help to ignore the voice. He felt compelled to follow it. He felt the loss of those safe arms; yet, he didn't feel completely alone either. This felt different from all the other times he had been forced back.

Todd's eyes opened. His body started to tremble. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?"

He nodded his head slowly. "I'm cold."

Susannah lifted a blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him with it and asked, "Is that a little better?"

"Viki!" Todd reached out to try to find her.

"I'm right here sweetheart." Viki sat down next to him and reached for his outstretched hand.

Todd felt for the top of the blanket and pulled it up to his chin and curled up on his side. "Viki, I'm so cold."

"Todd, tell me about the last thing you remember from right before you woke up?" Susannah began the session.

Todd tightened his grasp on Viki's hand. "I wanna go back to sleep."

"You can go back to sleep after a while. Let's talk a little first." Susannah's voice was soft, but firm.

"No! Viki, please! I'm so tired and cold. Tell her to leave me alone."

"Sweetheart, just talk to Susannah for a little while. Then you can rest."

"Sam?" Todd reached out again.

"I'm right here, pal." Sam walked over to the bed and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd jumped. "I'm sorry, Todd. I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sam, please. I just wanna be left alone. Make Doctor Hanen leave me alone."

Todd's pleas were tearing into their hearts. "Come on pal. It's important that you talk to Doctor Hanen."

Todd let go of Viki's hand and pulled the blanket up almost to the top of his head. Despite the sweat suit he was wearing and the blanket covering him, he was still shivering.

Susannah took another blanket from the closet and covered him with it. "Todd, I want you to think back to just before you opened your eyes just now. What is the last thing you remember?"

Todd sighed. He knew she would not let him be. He realized Viki and Sam weren't going to help him. He let his mind drift back to those few moments before his suffering started. "Warm. I felt warm. Why is it so cold now? For all the money Viki is paying to keep me in this loony bin you could at least raise the thermostat."

They all smiled at the glimmer of the old Todd that just popped out.

"I think it would help you warm up if you got up and put on your robe and moved around a little. How about we walk to my office for this session?" Susannah suggested.

"No! I wanna stay here." Todd snuggled down into the blanket even more.

Susannah let it go for now. "Okay, you felt warm. What else?"

"Safe," he whispered.

"What made it safe?"

Todd looked confused. "I . . . I . . . I don't know. I . . .” Suddenly, Todd had a vision of a man. He gasped and sat up.

"What is it Todd? Tell me. Did you see something?"

"A m-m-m-man," Todd stuttered.

"Does this man frighten you?"

Todd's expression turned more peaceful. "No. He looks kind and safe. He looks like he . . ." Todd felt stupid saying it.

"He looks like he what? It's okay to say it. Tell me how he looks," Susannah pressed.

"He looks like he loves me," Todd observed. He pulled up against the headboard and brought is knees to his chest. He did not bury his head in them.

Susannah exchanged looks with Sam and Viki. "What did this man look like?"

Todd thought for a moment. "Tall . . . big . . . strong . . . dark hair and blue eyes." Todd stopped for a minute and then continued. "His eyes," he whispered more to himself than to Susannah.

"What about his eyes?" Susannah prodded.

"They were so kind and had so much love in them. I just wanted to keep looking at them. I wanted to . . .” Todd’s voice trailed off again as these memories and feelings flooded back to him.

"What did you want to do?" Susannah asked gently.

Todd hesitated. He cocked his head slightly as he heard the voice. This time it was different. The voice seemed to be coming from within, instead of from outside of himself. He wasn't afraid of this voice. He found it soothing.

"Todd, are you hearing something or someone?" Susannah wasn't sure. Although he looked like he was hearing a voice or voices he didn't seem to be in his usual panic. "It's safe to say it. Are you hearing someone?" Susannah repeated. He nodded. "Is the voice frightening you?"

"No, I like listening to it," Todd whispered.

"Is it a man or a woman's voice?" Susannah probed.

"A man's. He said it's going to be all right. He says he loves me." Todd stopped talking and looked shocked.

"Can you see him?" Susannah wondered if was able to actually see Goodone.

"No, but I know it's the same man I remember from before I woke up. Who is he? I don't know who he is."

"Do you want to know?" Susannah asked, cautiously.

Todd thought for a moment. "Yeah, I-I guess so."

"Why don't you ask him his name? See if he'll tell you," Susannah suggested.

Todd felt confused. He knew that he was seeing and hearing this man in his head, yet he was real at the same time. He couldn't tell the difference and he was starting to feel afraid.

"Todd, don't be afraid. I'm here with you. I'm watching over you. I won't let them hurt you. I love you."

"Ohhh!" Todd moaned.

"What is it? Can you hear him? It's all right, Todd. Tell me what he said," Susannah coaxed.

"H-h-h-he's w-watching o-over m-me," Todd stammered. "He said he loves me," Todd continued more calmly. As Viki and Sam and Susannah listened to him, they could not believe he was able to remember Goodone to this extent.

"Todd, ask him his name," Susannah prompted.

Todd could not see him or hear him as clearly now. "No! Please don't go away," Todd begged.

"I'll never go far away from you Todd. I will always be near you. Don't be afraid. Papa will still be watching over you. It's safe to talk to Doctor Hanen and your sister and Sam. They love you very much. Papa is watching over you."

The voice was fading away. Tears welled up in Todd's eyes. One escaped and trickled down his right cheek. "He left. He said he'll watch over me. He said I should talk to all of you." Todd hung his head. "He said you loved me," he whispered cautiously. It was as if he were too afraid or too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Sam took Todd in his arms. "He's right, Todd. He’s telling you the truth. We love you. We love you more than anything."

Todd's shivering had diminished. He still felt slightly chilled. That was more due to his hypothalamus not regulating his body temperature as well as it did some of the alters and his sensitivity to his anemia and low body weight.

"Todd, did he tell you his name?" Susannah inquired.

Todd smiled a small smile to himself. "Papa. He said he was Papa. I wasn't afraid of his voice. He's not like the others. He a good one."

"Susannah smiled. "Yes, Todd. He's a good one. He's a very good one." She then asked, "Would you like to get out of bed? You're already dressed. You can put your robe on if you like."

Todd did feel like getting out of bed. Then he became frightened and ashamed. "I'll fall," he murmured.

Sam realized this was Todd's way of asking for help. "Don't worry, pal. I'll help you up. I won't let you fall."

"Todd, I want you to swing your legs over the bed in the direction of Sam's voice. Then I want you to sit like that for a minute so you don't become dizzy," Susannah instructed.

He did as she asked. After a minute, Sam took his hand. "Are you ready to stand up, now?" Todd nodded. Sam helped him to a standing position.

Todd felt a dizzy and reached for the bed. Sam lowered him back down.

"Todd, I'm going to take your blood pressure," Susannah informed him. "You know this doesn't hurt. I'm going to roll up your sleeve for a second."

Todd didn't protest. It was one hundred over sixty. His pressure was a little lower than usual and it probably dropped even further when he stood.

"Are you still feeling dizzy?" Susannah asked.

"No," Todd answered calmly.

"Okay, I'm going to take your pressure again." It was one ten over seventy. "Good, it's come up to what is normal for you," Susannah assured him.

"Nothing is ever normal for me," Todd mumbled.

"Oh, I don't know. I think we can find a few things. Now I want you to stand up again. This time I want to take your blood pressure when you stand. All right?" He nodded. Sam helped him up again. This time his blood pressure stabilized and stayed at one ten over seventy.

"Todd, I would like you to come to my office for a session." Susannah hoped she wasn't pushing it.

"No! I don't want to leave my room."

"All right, how about we help you to the chair?" Susannah didn't push. He nodded.

"Would you like to put your warm robe on, sweetheart?" Viki asked. He nodded again. Sam helped him on with his robe and led him to the chair and helped him sit down.

"Todd, can you tell me why you don't want to leave this room?" Susannah pushed.

"I don't feel like putting on a show for everyone," Todd snapped.

"A show?" Susannah knew what he meant. She needed to hear him explain.

"I don't want to go bumping and tripping my way down the hall. It reminds me of the dream I had."

"Can you tell me about the dream?"

"Yeah, dreams are real important to shrinks. I forgot," Todd responded sarcastically.

"They are to this one," Susannah acknowledged and smiled. Todd seemed more lucid than they had seen him in a very long while.

He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. "I dreamed Delgado was here and I couldn't see anything and I kept tripping and falling." Todd's voice became lower. "I tried to get away from her, but I banged into her." His voice became a whisper. "I was so ashamed. I hated her seeing me like that. I just wanted to . . ." His voice trailed off.

"What did you want?" Todd didn't answer Susannah's question. "It's all right to say it. Nothing bad will happen if you say it."

Slowly Todd answered, "I wanted to die."

"Todd," Susannah began cautiously. "That wasn't a dream. Téa was here."

Todd sat with a stunned expression, for a full minute. Everyone stayed silent. They waited for him to process what Susannah had just told him.

"No! You're lying to me. You're lying to me," Todd whispered, more to himself than to Susannah. He was becoming visibly upset. "Why are you doing that? It was a dream. IT WAS A DREAM! Viki, Sam, tell her to stop lying to me. Téa wasn't here. I didn't really do that. She wasn't here. Tell her. TELL HER!"

Viki took Todd's ice-cold hand in hers. "Sweetheart, Téa loves you very much. She misses you and wants to see you."

"It's true, pal. Téa loves you more than anyone on earth. She'd do anything for you. She never stopped loving you," Sam added.

Todd started to pull his knees in tighter. He wrapped his arms around them and started rocking.

"Stay with us Todd. You can handle this. Todd, you're strong enough to handle this." Susannah did not want him to dissociate.

Todd wanted to go back inside. What he didn't know was that Goodone was blocking his way. He wanted Todd to believe that Téa loved him. It felt different to Todd this time. He was always so terrified of going away. Now he craved it. He didn't know how to make it happen and he was starting to panic. His breathing was becoming erratic and sweat broke out on his brow. His heart started to race. His chest felt painful and tight. His fingers and mouth started to feel numb. Susannah recognized the signs of an anxiety attack.

"Ooooh, I don't feel good. My chest hurts. My heart is beating so fast. I can't breath. Ooooh, I can't feel my fingers." Todd was torn. He was terrified he was dying and he was hoping he was at the same time.

"Todd, you're having an anxiety attack. I want you to slow down your breathing. Come on, honey. You can do it. Here." Susannah took his hand. "Todd. Can you remember the breathing and relaxation techniques we taught you? He was in too much of a state of panic to remember anything. "Okay, Todd. I'm going to put your hand on my diaphragm. I want you copy the way I am breathing."

"I can't! I can't!" He started to cry. Sweat was pouring off of him.

"Todd, would you feel better if Sam held you?" Susannah thought Sam's strong arms would comfort him and remind him of Goodone.

Todd wanted that. He wanted to be in Sam's arms. He was to embarrassed to say yes. "I . . . I . . . don't know. I . . ."

"Come're pal." Sam sat on the other side of him and took Todd's in his arms and held him tightly. Todd stiffened. He felt awkward even though he was longing to snuggle close to Sam. "It's all right, Todd. I love you. Boomer, don't you know that? I love you so much." Sam pulled Todd in even closer. Todd relaxed a little and leaned into Sam.

"Okay, Todd. That's it. You're doing great. Now just breath nice and deep and slow, like this." Susannah took some slow deep breaths. Todd copied her. He was starting to calm down. Susannah was relieved. She didn't want to have to sedated him.

Inside, Goodone was offering comfort. Todd couldn't so much hear his words as feel them. As Sam, Viki and Susannah calmed him from outside, Goodone calmed him from within. "That's good. You're doing a great job of calming yourself," Susannah soothed.

Todd's breathing was returning to normal. His heart rate was slowing down. His sweating eased. The tightness in his chest subsided. The tingling and numbness in Todd's fingers and mouth did as well. Sam kept a tight grip. Todd wanted to stay in Sam's arms, but he was afraid at any minute Sam would laugh at him or hate him for feeling that way.

"No, Todd. Sam loves you. Don't be ashamed. Sam's arms are safe, like mine." This time Todd heard him.

Todd relaxed completely. He rested his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam kissed his forehead, the same way he had done to the children so many times. "I love you so very much, pal."

Todd's eyes welled up with tears. He wanted to feel the love and he couldn't. Something was stopping him. Todd pulled away. "Don't love me Sam. It's a mistake. I will disappoint you. I will hurt you. Don't you know?"

"Know what, Todd? What should I know?" Sam asked gently.

"I can't be loved. I can't love and no one can love me. I'm not like regular people. I'm not human, Sam. I'm broken inside. Even if you think you love me now, you'll wise up. Everyone does."

"No, sweetheart. Most of the people that ever loved you still do. In fact we love you more and more every day," Viki stated. She looked at her damaged brother. Her heart was breaking.

"No! You'll wise up. There's something wrong with me, Viki. You know that. There's something wrong with the part of me that can love and be loved. Either I was born without it or it got broken or it was ripped out of me. That's why Téa hates me now. That's why everyone hates me." Tears splashed down Todd's cheeks.

Viki took his face in her hands and wiped the tears away. "You know how much Starr loves you."

"She's a kid. She'll outgrow that," Todd dismissed Viki's words.

"No, Todd. She will never outgrow that. Starr loves you not just because you're her father, but also because you are kind to her. You are patient and loving and you make her feel special. No one in the world makes her feel like her daddy does. Sweetheart, you love Starr. You know you do."

Todd's tears increased. He thought of his little girl. He thought about the first time he held her in his arms and the last time, in the stable. "Oh, God! I do love her. I love her so much. I . . . NO!" He pulled away from Viki. "I love her now. That will end. Love stops, Viki. It just stops. You wake up one morning and that's it. The love is gone. All you want is to get away from someone you supposedly loved. Love hurts. It makes you do horrible things to people. No, Starr is better off without me. If I love her now, I'll either hurt her or I'll stop loving her and leave. Either way I'll hurt her. I'll hurt anyone I love. Téa's not stupid. She knows that."

"No, Todd. Téa's not stupid and that is why she sees the good in you. She sees a man who can be loved. She understands why you hurt her and she forgives you. Téa is very strong. She understands that it won't be easy. She wants to be here for you." Susannah explained.

"She's making excuses for me because I'm crazy," Todd stated matter-of-factly.

"No! She doesn't excuse the things you've done. Todd, there is a difference between understanding why someone acts the way they do and excusing them. No one is saying what you did didn't count because you were sick. We are saying that we now understand your behavior. It is sometimes easier to forgive someone if you know why they acted the way they did." Susannah tried to get him to understand.

"And I did what I did because I am crazy! Because I am no good and crazy and stupid. I don't belong with regular people . . . living people . . . humans. I should have died a long time ago. Then Téa wouldn't . . ." His mind drifted off before he finished his thought.

Todd had a memory of Téa's visit. "You told her I was crazy," Todd stated in a monotone. There were no feelings attached to his voice.

"We explained your illness to Téa. She understands and does not judge you. She does not think you're crazy. She loves you and wants to help you through this. She wants to see you." Susannah wanted to make sure he was clear on that.

More memories of Téa's visit flashed through his brain. "She doesn't wanna help me."

"Sweetheart, how can you say that? Téa would do anything in the world for you."

"Not the one thing that would really help me. No one will really help me." Todd still spoke in a monotone that was void of emotion.

"No, Todd. No one will help you die," Susannah's tone was gentle, but firm.

It finally got through to Todd that he had really been with Téa and that his dream was true. Feelings of shame and a desire to die washed over him like torrents of rain. He buried he face in his hands. He remembered the feel of Téa's hair and the smell of her perfume. He remembered being in her arms and hearing her say she loved him. "Oh no! Delgado, no!" Todd cried into his hands. He remembered making a fool of himself in front of her and the feel of her hand on his heart. "Why was she here? I told you I didn't want her here. You don't care what I want. No one does," Todd asked through his tears. He never lifted his face from his hands. Then it dawned on him that he must have gone away in front of her. "Oh, God! Did I hurt her? Did I? TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"No, you didn't hurt her. Not at all, in any way," Viki assured him.

"Oh God! I went away in front of her. Oh God! I told you I didn't want her to see me. Don't I have rights here? Can you just do whatever you want with me while I'm sleeping?"

Instinctively, Susannah knew by Todd's last statement that he was ready to hear a little more about his illness. He had been told long ago that he wasn’t sleeping during the times he went away. Susannah knew that this was his unconscious way of broaching the subject. "Let's talk about what happens when you go away, okay?"

"No, I don't want to. I'm sleeping that's all that happens," Todd insisted.

"Todd, I think you know that's not true. Do you remember that we explained to you that you have DID?" Susannah didn't want to take his remembering for granted. She knew he had a tendency to block out and bury, over and over again, what he couldn't face. Todd nodded. "Do you remember we told you about the alters you have?"

"Viki!" Todd cried out. He reached out wildly for Viki. Viki took him in her arms. At the mention of alters Todd started to panic. He hated that word and felt terror at the sound of it. He also felt like he belonged in a freak show. "Viki, no. Please! I don't want to."

"Oh Todd. Sweetheart, I know what a frightening thing that is to hear. You feel like this can't possibly be true. You feel like you're being lied to and fooled. You also, feel like you have absolutely no control over your own life or what you do and what you don't do. You are terrified for the people you love because you aren't sure if you've hurt them during the times you don't remember or if you've hurt yourself. You are also afraid you made a fool of yourself and can't remember it. It is the most horrible feeling to know that others have seen you and been with you and you can't remember. It makes you feel scared and angry and totally out of control. You feel like you are the worst, stupidest and craziest person who ever walked the face of the earth." Viki gently rocked him.

Todd felt exactly the way Viki described. He remembered all the times he had made fun of "the people running around in her head." He couldn't understand how she could be here for him now or how she could love him. If it was true that she did, he knew that she shouldn't. He believed he wasn't worthy of her love or of Sam's or anyone's. Todd's tears were now not just for him, they were also for Viki. 'God, I really am crazy,' he thought. The one thing Todd feared the most, mental illness, had really happened to him. He remembered all the times the people of Llanview had told him that. How many times had one or another of them called him a psycho to his face? Now he realized it was true. He remembered a time he had visited Blair's mother, Addie, at Saint Anne's. He remembered how uncomfortable he had felt, at first. Then she gave him a music box. He had been so touched by that gesture. 'Addie wasn't so bad . . . so maybe being crazy isn't so bad? No!' he thought. 'Addie is good and kind. She doesn't hurt people. I hurt people. I hurt them when I remember and I hurt them when I don't. There must be a good crazy and a bad crazy and I'm the bad one.' Todd's head was spinning. He wished he could disappear.

"Viki, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made fun of you. I hurt you. I told the whole world about you in the Sun. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sorry our father was such a rotten bastard. I'm so sorry. Viki, I'm sorry you had to feel this way too. It feels so bad . . . so horrible . . . it's so scary. I . . . I hate this! I don't wanna be crazy. Viki, make it go away. Please!"

Tears streaked Viki's face as she held Todd's head against her chest and stroked his hair. "Oh Todd. If I could make it go away for you, I would do it. I would do it." Viki continued to rock him as both of Victor Lord's children wept in each other’s arms.

Sam's eyes flooded with tears as he watched two people he loved with all his heart share an agony that only they could understand. Susannah waited for them both to regain some control.

Todd started to calm down a little. Susannah was encouraged that he was staying Todd. "Would you like to know a little about some of your alters?"

Todd looked shocked. "Some of them?" He thought there were just two, the one who wants to hurt everyone and the one who plays with toys. He wanted to know how many. He didn't ask. He was afraid to hear the answer.

On her end, Susannah did not feel he was ready to know that he had twenty-five alters, that they knew about, including little girls, an older woman and an infant. "Let me tell you about Tom and Timmy," Susannah began.

"Tom?" Todd vaguely remembered once hearing Susannah mention Tom. "Tom is my real name. Todd is my middle name. My dad didn't like Tom because it was my grandfather's name. He didn't like my mom's father." Susannah wanted to discuss that with him too. She decided learning about the alters took priority over that, for now.

"Tom is seven years old. He is a very nice and talented little boy. He likes to draw and to play with toy cars and trucks. He likes computers and most of all he loves video games and putting together very large jigsaw puzzles," Susannah smiled and continued. "He likes pizza and spaghetti and chocolate milk. He loves animals. He sometimes gets a little confused between the present and the past. He has a special watch that helps him with that."

Todd stayed quiet. Susannah knew he was hearing her. He started thinking. 'Okay, a kid that likes toy cars, pizza and loves animals. That's not so bad. I like pizza and animals and I loved toy cars and video games when I was a kid.' Todd then wondered what the catch was. "So that's the good part. What bad things does he do and people think it's me?" Todd asked. He was afraid to hear the answer.

"He doesn't do anything bad. Tom is very sweet and lovable. He is a very good artist," Susannah informed him.

"He must do something bad. If he lives in me he has to have a bad side," Todd insisted.

"Nope, no bad side. Tom is a very good little boy," Susannah assured him.

"You're making this up. I know it."

"What have I said that makes you think that?" Susannah pressed.

"You said he was a good artist. I can't draw. I never could . . . stick figures maybe."

"Todd, some of your alters draw and paint very well. You are very gifted. Someday all that talent will be returned to you," Susannah promised.

Todd thought for a moment. "Uh-uh," he murmured. He dismissed Susannah's praise. It didn't fit the image he had of himself . . . the image Peter engraved on his brain.

"You said there's another one." Todd remembered hearing her mention Timmy.

"Yes, a little four year old boy, Timmy. Timmy is also a very good little boy. He does frighten easily. He's very affectionate and he loves baseball and stuffed animals and chocolate pudding. He also likes to draw, but he's not as good an artist as Tom." Susannah didn't want to add that Timmy calls Viki and Sam mommy and daddy or that he misses his real mother very much and believes she is going to come back to him. She also mentioned nothing of Timmy's individual ailments or current behavior problems.

"My mom used to make me chocolate pudding, just for me. My dad hated it," Todd whispered.

They all remembered how important it was to Timmy that his mommy made the pudding just for him and how terrified he was of spilling any and being made to lick it up off the floor and then receive a beating for spilling it. They remembered Tom having the same fears about spilled milk.

"It must feel good to have your mom make something special, just for you, hmmm?" Susannah acknowledged. Todd nodded yes as he remembered the feelings. They were thankful that, at this time, the bad memories of being punished for spilling it didn't come back to him. Susannah realized Todd did not ask why he was able to see Goodone inside or why his alters could apparently see. She knew his unconscious was protecting him from thinking that through. Apparently he still had the need to be blind.

Todd thought about what Susannah had just told him. His cheeks became hot with shame. Seeing him blush, Susannah asked, "What is it? Is there something about what I just told you that is upsetting you?"

"Yeah. Everything! I do this in front of people?"

"Sweetheart, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. We understand why it happens and we love those parts of you too." Viki tried her best to put him at ease.

"Oh no. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Hi! I'm Todd and today I'm pretending to be a seven year old. Oh hi, today I'm a four year old. Boy, why not just parade me around at the next town fair!" Then it hit Todd. "Does the whole town know about me?"

"No, Todd. Of course not," Sam answered. He knew in his heart that many in Llanview did know.

"What about the Buchanan’s? Do they know about me?"

Susannah answered this time. "Yes, they do. Todd, they don't think any less of you for it."

Todd laughed. "Yeah, I believe that! It would be near impossible for them to think any less of me. They all think I'm the scum of the earth. I guess they're not so stupid after all. Asa always did know a psycho when he saw one."

"I can't speak for Asa or Clint," Viki said, honestly. "I can tell you that Bo and Kevin do not hold your illness against you. They both have great compassion for you and would do anything to help you. They understand why you did some to the things you did."

"Great! So we can all get together and have a pity party for me. They're gloating, Viki. Don't you know that? They've all waited for years to see me locked away. Everyone in this town always thought of me as a freak. The town leper. Pull in your kids off the street if you see Todd Manning come down the block. Now I can really put on a show for them. Hey, I know, why not get Asa and Kevin to sell tickets?" They could see that Todd was full of hatred and anger at himself. "Let's see, Viki . . . who should I do first? Should I do the four year old or should I save him for an encore? What do I do? Do I actually tell people I'm four? Or do I just make them guess? How big a fool do I make of myself? On a scale of one to ten . . . what am I . . . about a fifteen? Do I make you take me to the park and to the zoo? Do I make hang pictures I draw on your refrigerator?" Suddenly Todd started to tremble. He felt like something terrible was about to happen.

"What is it pal? What's wrong? You can tell us?" Sam put his arm around Todd's shoulder.

"I don't know. I . . . oh! Ohhhh!" Todd reached out wildly. "Viki! Viki!"

"I'm right here sweetheart. What is it? Tell us. It's all right." Viki held onto his outstretched hands. She held the right one very gently, as to not cause him pain or to disturb the stitches. They could tell he was seeing something in his mind. Susannah hoped he wasn't going into a flashback.

Todd couldn't control the images that were accosting his brain. "NO! DON'T LET HIM SEE IT!" Todd shrieked.

"Don't let who see what? What are you seeing Todd? Tell us. Honey, it's safe. You can say it. Nothing bad will happen," Susannah coaxed.

"Ohhh, he's gonna hurt her," Todd cried out.

"Who's going to get hurt," Susannah pressed.

"My mom," he sobbed.

"Why is your mom going to be hurt?" Susannah continued the session. They could see that Todd was seeing this happen right now.

"She shouldn't have hung them up. I didn't mean to get her hurt. Oh God! I didn't mean to get her hurt."

Todd was trembling violently. Viki and Sam held him between them. They both thought he had enough and wanted Susannah to stop. They were afraid for him.

"Why do you think it's your fault that your mom got hurt?" Susannah persisted.

"Because I drew the pictures. I showed them to her and she put them on the refrigerator. My mom got me a brand new box of sixty-four crayons and . . . she . . . sh . . . she shouldn't have done it. She shouldn't have done it. Mama!" Todd was back in the kitchen in the Chicago house he grew up in. He could no longer feel Sam and Viki holding him. Yet, he was also aware of what he was saying and could hear those around him. He was remembering it as well as reliving it, this time.

"What happened after your mother hung the pictures you drew?" Susannah continued probing.

"She forgot to take them down before he came home."

"Before who came home?"

"My dad," Todd whispered.

"What did your dad do when he saw them?"

"I was in my room and I heard him yelling. I came downstairs and I peeked in the kitchen. He had ripped them off the refrigerator and he was trying to shove them in my mom's mouth. He was hitting her head against the refrigerator. He was screaming 'I told you I don't want you to hang up this shit. Doesn't that little fag bastard have anything better to do than draw pictures?' She was crying and begging him to stop." Todd's face revealed the horror he was seeing. "Ohhh, she shouldn't do that. He gets madder if you beg and cry for him to stop, but he also gets mad if you don't. I didn't mean to get her hurt. Dumb pictures. I shouldn't have made her hang them up."

He was sobbing so hard that it was getting difficult to understand him. "Shhhh. Todd, shhhh. It's all right. It wasn't your fault," Sam comforted.

"Yes it was. She hung them up because of me!"

"Did you ask your mom to hang the pictures up?" Susannah asked. Todd thought for a minute.

"No. I told her not to because I knew he'd get mad."

"So why did she hang them up?" Susannah pressed on.

"She said she was proud of me and that she loved my drawings and that I was her best little artist. She said she wanted to be able to look at the drawings while she cooked dinner." Todd felt a strong longing for him mother as he remembered. "I went to my room to rest. I shouldn't have. If I'd stayed downstairs I could have reminded her to take them down before my dad came home. She put them up because of me and she forgot to take them down because of me."

"Todd, how old were you?" Susannah knew he must have been very young. She remembered Timmy having a flashback of that or a similar incident.

"Four. I remember because I had just come home from the hospital. I had rheumatic fever. That's why I had to go rest. I should have stayed and reminded her."

"Todd, you were just a little boy. It wasn't your place to take care of your mother. It was her place to take care of you," Viki pointed out. Viki felt both compassion and anger for the woman who couldn't protect Todd or herself.

"No! No! I shouldn't have drawn the stupid pictures. I shouldn't have taken a nap. I shouldn't have come down when I heard him. I made him . . . I . . . I . . ." Todd started rocking rapidly.

"What happened when you came downstairs? It's all right to say it," Susannah continued to press.

"Susannah, please. I think he's had enough," Viki begged.

Even though, like Viki, Susannah wanted to let him be, she needed to be strong and do what was therapeutic for him. She knew the best thing for him was to continue. He was getting close to a disclosure.

"It's okay. Todd is strong enough to handle this. He can say it. Come on Todd. What are you seeing? What happened when you came downstairs?"

Todd's rocking decreased. "I-I'm afraid to look," he cried out.

"We're right here with you, pal. We're right here." Sam tightened his grip around Todd's shoulders. Viki rubbed his back.

"Nothing bad will happen if you look at it. I promise, sweetheart. We'll stay right here with you," Viki assured him.

"Are you seeing the kitchen in the house you grew up in?" Susannah guessed. He nodded. "Can you see your mother?" He nodded again. Cautiously, Susannah asked, "Can you see your father?"

Todd reached out for Viki and buried his head in her shoulder. Viki continued to rub his back. She felt his body trembling.

"Todd, did your father see you?" Susannah inquired.

Todd stayed still for a few moments. Then he pulled back from Viki and stood up.

"Okay, pal. Take it easy. Where do you want to go?" Sam held onto Todd's arm.

"To the window. I want to feel the glass. Please!"

Susannah remembered the comfort Todd used to get in standing by and looking out the window. Even though he could no longer see out of it, perhaps it would still give him some comfort. "Sam, would you please help Todd to the window?" Susannah directed. Sam's look clearly told Susannah that he was leery about this. Susannah knew that Dave and Carl were right outside the door should Todd start to pound on the unbreakable glass.

"Okay, pal. You're by the window."

Todd reached out and felt the cool glass. He put both his palms flat against the windowpane and rested his forehead against it. It had been a long time since Susannah had seen him do that. She took it as a positive sign. She allowed Todd some time to himself. They all waited quietly for Todd to speak.

When Todd said nothing after ten minutes, Susannah was afraid he was burying the memory or trying to dissociate. He seemed to be putting himself into a trance state. Susannah walked up to the him. "Todd." He didn't respond. "Todd!" Susannah called firmly.

"What?" He sounded like he had been woken up from a deep sleep.

"Tell me where you are," Susannah assessed him.

"In my room, by the window." He felt the glass, as if to make sure.

"That's right. Do you remember what we were talking about?"

"My mom," he whispered.

"Yes, and your dad. What happened when you came downstairs and saw your dad hurting your mom for putting the pictures you drew on the refrigerator?" Todd lightly tapped his forehead against the glass. Susannah was starting to think he just wasn't ready and she may have pushed him as far as she could for today.

"He saw me." Todd's words surprised them. "He saw me hiding behind the wall. He let go of my mom and came toward me. I wanted to run away, but I couldn't move. I wanted to run." Todd's bottom lip and chin began to quiver. "I didn't want to stay and help my mother." Tears started down his cheeks again. "She was the one being hurt and I wanted to run to save myself. Oh God! I don't deserve to live. I should have helped her."

"Todd, you were four years old. What could you have done? Honey, think about it. Physically, what could you have done?" Susannah tried to get him to see the reality of the situation.

"I don't know. Something! I could have . . . I could . . ."

Susannah tried again. "What could a tiny, four year old boy do to protect someone from a grown man?"

"I don't know," Todd cried. He turned away from the window and slid down to the floor. He hugged his knees to his chest.

Todd's eyes became wide and his pupils dilated, as more memories came. "She tried to stop him from coming at me. She pulled on his arm and said, 'Peter, don't. He's just out of the hospital. Let him be. I'm the one you're angry with.' Ohhhh, she tried to help me. She tried to stop him and I did nothing to help her."

"Was she able to stop him?" Susannah asked. She crouched down next to Todd.

"He pulled her off of him and pushed her back against the refrigerator. He held her there by her throat. She couldn't breath." They could see the horror in Todd's face as he continued. "Then he looked at me and then back at my mom and he let go of her and said, 'you don't discipline him. You're turning him into a fag.' I didn't know what that meant, but I knew he thought it was bad. Then he said to her, 'if you want him to draw then he has to learn to be disciplined about it.' He told me to sit down at the table. He went into the draw and brought out this huge stack of paper. He put my crayons on the table and he said, 'draw! Draw a picture of me.' I remember being scared because I didn't know how to draw a picture of him. He told my mom to go upstairs. She said, no. I thought he was gonna hit her again, but he said, 'you know what will happen if you don't do what I say. Go upstairs!' His voice was even scarier then when he yells. My mom went upstairs." Todd's shivering increased. "I wanted my mom to stay. What was wrong with me? I should have been happy that he was letting her go."

"Todd, you were a little kid . . . four years old. Of course you wanted your mother to stay and protect you" Sam could not believe Todd would feel guilty over that.

Todd pulled his knees in tighter and continued to rock. He said nothing for several minutes. Then he finally spoke. "Are Viki and Sam still here?" he asked meekly. He was moving his head back and forth, trying to hear them.

"We're here, baby," Viki let him know as she stroked his head.

"I'm right here, pal. We won't leave you," Sam assured him.

Susannah felt he was ready to continue. "Todd, did you draw the picture?"

"Yeah. He looked at it and said, 'look at this shit. Looks nothing like me. I thought you were supposed to know how to draw.' He wrinkled it up and threw it down on the floor. He put a blank page in front of me. He told me to do it again. He hated that one too. He made me do it again and again and again." Tears trickled down Todd's face. "He made me sit there all night. He didn't even leave to go to the bathroom. He peed in the sink. He wouldn't let me go at all. My stomach was starting to hurt because I had to go so bad. I guess I was good at holding it in. I was real thirsty too. He wouldn't give me anything to drink. He drank some kind of booze. I think it was Scotch. He held it up and offered me some. I was so thirsty, but when he put the glass to my lips I pulled away because it smelled so bad. I thought he was gonna hit me . . . he just laughed . . . I was so tired . . . I must have drawn it over a hundred times at least."

Todd's left hand curled into a fist. The bandage prevented his right hand from doing the same. "My hand hurt so much. I tried to put the crayon in my left hand. He pulled it out and made me do it with the right. He got that thing that my mom flipped pancakes with and slapped my hand with it if I stopped to rest. Finally, when the sun started to come up, he pulled me up by my hair." Todd rubbed his head as if he were feeling the pain now. "He said, 'Do you see what you did you little shit? I've been up all night because of you. I have to be at work in a few hours and what do you care? I do all the work and you and that whore sit around here all day.' Then he threw me down on the floor. He said I could go to my room now. He said I was just as worthless in art as I was in everything else. He said first I had to pick up all the paper off the floor and put away the crayons." Todd's looked at his hand. He seemed to be seeing something in his hand that made him extremely sad. "My new crayons were all worn down. There wasn't even enough left of most of them to hold in the sharpener." Todd sounded as if that hurt him the most.

Todd wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve and continued. "I was down on the floor, picking up the paper and I saw my mom's bedroom slipper. "She was hiding where I had hid. She saw me looking at her and put her finger to her lips." Todd began sobbing. He put his face in his hands. "She must have been there the whole time. She was watching over me. She was standing there, the whole night. Oh Mama," Todd cried. "She must have moved out of his sight, because when he walked out of the kitchen he didn't see her. She waited until we heard him open the bedroom door and then she came into the kitchen. She picked me up and hugged me." Todd wrapped his arms around himself as he remembered being in his mother's arms. "She just held me for a long time. She was crying. She carried me upstairs and took me to the bathroom. Then she put me to bed. She told me I had to take that yucky medicine. I had to take it now because I was way behind." Todd gently rocked himself as he continued to hug himself. "She held me until I fell asleep."

They all knew how hard and painful this had been for Todd. Yes, compared to the other things that were done to him this was a minor incident, but it was all the memory he was able to tolerate for now and he had done a good job. They were so proud of him.

Viki bent down and hugged him. "Sweetheart, we are so proud of you. You did so well."

"You did, pal," Sam stroked Todd's head. "You are the bravest person I know."

"No! I'm a coward. My mom was the brave one. He knew I was a coward and wouldn't protect her. He knew I was worthless from the day he laid eyes on me." Todd laughed bitterly. "He knew what everyone else would eventually find out. He knew what our father did, Viki. Our father also knew I was garbage the second he saw me."

"You put a lot of store in what your father told you," Susannah pointed out.

"He was my father!" Todd seemed surprised that she would question Peter's word. Then Todd whispered, "He knew. He knew how I was going to turn out. He knew that I would be a curse and a disappointment to everyone I ever met. He knew I would only cause them grief and heartache. I guess our father knew that too, Viki." Todd said this with more sadness than anger, as if he wanted someone to tell him differently.

Feelings of guilt washed over Viki. She didn't understand why. She pushed those feelings aside for now. A part of her was hoping he would remember that Victor had gone to see him, at least once, when he was two. She wanted him to remember Victor feeling proud of how smart and talented he was. She wanted him to know about the letter and the lock of hair that Victor had kept all those years. She wanted him to know that he had originally been named after their father's beloved brother, Adam. Viki understood she could not say those things to him now. He was not ready. Yet, she wanted to comfort him in some way. "Todd, Father never thought that about you. I'm sure of it." Her words sounded hollow even to her.

Todd started to cry again. "They all hated me. Why did he give me away? Why! What did I do? He kept Tina. Why did he despise me so much that he would give me to someone who hated me my whole life? Why did my dad hate me so much? And my mom? She realized the truth about me. So she left. It had to be because they all knew I was the worst piece of crap that ever walked the earth." This time Todd's laugh was ironic. "I'm proof that God exists. No human could make such a colossal, King Kong size mistake."

Viki could not stand hearing him talk this way about himself. She cursed the men who made him feel like he was worthless trash. She cursed the woman who was too weak to stand up to Victor and the woman who could not stand up to Peter and who made Todd feel that his last chance to be loved and to be safe had vanished. Todd was the smartest, bravest, and in some ways, finest person she knew. It killed her that he couldn't believe it. Viki grabbed him by the shoulders, startling him. "Your mother loved you, Todd. She loved you more than she loved anyone. You did nothing to drive her away. It was Peter. He abused her and she just couldn't take it anymore. She was hurting and she wanted it to stop. Maybe she planned on coming back for you and things got out of her control? She was weak, Todd. She was afraid, but that doesn't mean she didn't love you."

Todd threw his head back and wailed as if his heart were breaking. "Oh God! That rotten bastard! Why did he keep hurting her? He never left her alone. He kept at her and kept at her . . . because of me. Because she loved me." Todd realized what he said. "Maybe she loved me a little?" Todd asked wistfully.

"Your mother loved you very much. She was afraid and weak. As you said, he never left her alone. She was beaten down. It was never that she didn't love you," Susannah confirmed Viki's words.

Todd wanted to believe what Viki and Susannah just said, so much. He remembered reading his mother's letters and she said over and over again that she loved him. But how do you just walk away from someone you love? How do you send them away to someone they are so afraid of? He couldn't understand this. Still, he desperately wanted to believe that she loved him, but for some reason he could hear Viki and Susannah's words and he was still not able to feel it. He couldn't feel the love. "I'm so screwed up. Why don't you give up on me? My head is all messed up. Viki, Sam, why don't you just give up on me. I'm not worth it. The parts the make someone a real person are missing. I don't have them. Just go away and let me rot here. It's where I belong . . . in a loony bin or in jail."

Both Sam and Viki knelt down and took Todd in their arms. "Never, Todd. We will never give up on you," Viki swore. She kissed his tear stained cheek.

"She's right, Todd. You are stuck with us for life, pal." Sam hugged him tightly.

Todd was so tired. "Please, can I go back to bed now?"

"Yes, sure you can. Come on, honey. We'll help you up," Susannah and Sam each took one of his arms and helped him to a standing position. They led him back to the bed and helped him lie down. Viki pulled the covers over him.

"Todd, would you like something to eat?" Susannah asked. She knew that by now the Zyprexa should have started to increase his appetite. It did for most patients. Once again, Todd's body was handling the medication in an atypical way. He shook his head and snuggled into the bed. "Viki?" he called out weakly.

"Yes, sweetheart." Viki sat next to him.

"Did you ever do it?"

"Do what, baby?" Viki stroked his forehead and cheek.

"Hang up their pictures on your refrigerator?"

"Yes, I am very proud of the pictures they draw." Viki stroked his hair back. "You are very talented. Some day you'll see that it is true."

Todd thought about what she said, "Nahhhh!" he replied. They all smiled. "Does Téa know them?"

"Do you mean Tom and Timmy?" Susannah asked for clarity. Todd nodded. "Yes, Téa knows them and loves them very much and they love her," Susannah answered and waited for his response.

Todd curled up on his right side. "Do they hurt her?" he asked timidly.

"No, never. Téa is completely safe with them." Susannah was very sure of that.

"Yeah, because they're kids. I didn't become a monster until I was older too." Todd's tone was filled with sadness.

"Todd, Timmy and Tom love to have Téa visit them. Is that all right with you?"

Todd's first thought was 'no! Never!' Then he started to think of what Susannah told him about them. He didn't think of them as parts of him. He wasn't even close to being able to do that yet. "You say they're only four and seven?"

"Yes, that's how old they are and it is very comforting for them to have Téa visit." Susannah saw this window of opportunity and took it.

"I don't want Téa to see me. Promise me!"

"Todd, I promise I will do my best. I will never ask Téa to come when you are out if you don't want her to see you, but I can't promise you that you will never come back when Téa is visiting Tom or Timmy."

Susannah's honesty made Todd feel more secure. "Yeah, okay. I can see that. Will she leave if I ask her to?"

"Yes, absolutely. I promise you that," Susannah assured him.

Todd thought about how much Starr loved to be with Téa. He was so weary. He was getting confused. He knew they were the people he turned into, but they seemed real. "Okay. Téa can come to visit them, but not me. I don't want her to see me."

"Thank you Todd. You just made two little boys very happy," Susannah praised him. She patted his hand.

"You did the right thing, pal. I'm proud of you." Sam stroked Todd's head.

"So, am I sweetheart. You just did a very brave thing. Téa will be happy to know that she can come to visit now and it's all right with you." Todd's eyes closed for a second.

"TÈA'S COMING TO VISIT! I LOVE TÈA!" Tom shouted with glee.

They knew that Todd had stayed for all he could. Overwhelmed by the day’s events, he switched to Tom. What they had no way of knowing was that they weren't the only ones who were so very proud of Todd. Goodone had been waiting for him with outstretched arms. Todd ran to them and buried his head in Goodone's broad chest. "Papa, it hurts so much to be out there. Let me stay with you now," Todd pleaded as he looked deeply into Goodone's eyes.

"Yes, of course. You have had enough of their world for now. Come. We will go to our special place. You can rest. Papa is very proud of you. You are my strong, brave son and I love you very much." This time Todd was able to feel the love.

TO BE CONTINUED

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