Susannah headed for her office and then she planned on heading home. She told Sam and Viki she needed to talk to them about the latest developments with Timmy. She told them that it could wait until tomorrow.

*****

Susannah checked in on Timmy one more time before she headed home. He was sound asleep. As long as both Viki and Sam were staying overnight, Susannah suggested they both spend the night in Timmy's room. If he should wake up she knew seeing both Sam and Viki there would be more calming to him than if just one of them were there. She also left an order for a stronger than usual sedative just in case he became extremely agitated. Susannah was so tired. She was also worried. Timmy's unusual behavior was sending up warning flags in Susannah's brain. She kicked her shoes off and checked her machine . . . six messages. She listened wearily as the agent for her car insurance asked her to get back to him. She cringed when she heard her mother's voice letting her know she hadn't called "just to find out if your father and I are still alive," for some time now. 'Good one mom. You still know how to lay on guilt trip don't you?' Susannah thought.

Susannah's heart quickened when she heard the next message. It was from Bill. He would be back in Llanview tomorrow. He also said he had some news that he hoped would make Susannah happy. He told her he missed her. What he didn't tell her was that his friend, Anthony Ferrelli, had given him some news about Michelle's parents. Bill thought that best be discussed in person. Susannah rewound the tape and listened to Bill's message again. She had been trying to keep him from her mind since he had gone back to Chicago to visit his children. Susannah kept reminding herself that there was no time in her life right now for a full relationship with anyone. Todd, the alters and Viki kept her waking mind occupied enough so that not too many thoughts of Bill or how much she missed him crept into it.

Nighttime was another story. Susannah had been having dreams of Bill . . . dreams of being in his arms and of laughing with him. She also had dreams of making love with him. When she would awaken from these dreams she felt a longing for him. It was stronger than anything she had ever felt for anyone. Susannah was grateful for her dreams and disturbed by them at the same time. She was grateful because, at least in her dreams, she could be with Bill. She was disturbed because she knew her dreams were symbolic of her desires, desires that she could not allow to interfere with her life right now. Susannah felt she needed all her concentration for Todd. In all her career, she had never come up against a case so difficult. She had never had a patient this ill. She could not allow distractions, and Bill was one hell of a distraction. Yet, Susannah could not stop the joy she felt at the thought of his return. She had so little free time of late, and still, with what little she had she felt so lonely.

Even though Susannah loved Todd and felt maternal feelings for him, he was not her child. He was not even family to her. As much as she cared about them, neither were Viki nor Sam. What "real" family Susannah did have, she felt no closeness to. She and Nora had not spoken for months and Susannah preferred to keep it that way. Apparently so did Nora. Bo would call Susannah every week to find out how Todd was and how she was. He said nothing about Nora and gave Susannah no messages from her. Susannah did not bring her up either.

Susannah never really thought of any one place as her home. She had no more affinity for Chicago than she had for Switzerland. She had not felt all that much for Llanview either, until Bill came along. Somehow, when he was in it, Llanview felt like home. Susannah wondered what the news was that Bill thought she would like. She knew that Bill was not the kind of a man one had a casual relationship with. She would have to decide if her life had enough room in it for him or not. She would have to decide if she could take the chance of sharing her mind while working on such a difficult case. In all likelihood, Todd would be in therapy for years, but hopefully he would be stable enough to live outside a hospital environment. Susannah realized that was a long way off. Todd was not even close to being safe or being able to care for himself or make decisions for himself. He was not even close to where others could care for him outside a controlled environment. Susannah hoped she could allow herself to have a life with someone like Bill and still maintain her complete focus on Todd's therapy, not to mention Viki's, but she still feared that distraction. Right now she did not want to think about that or anything else. She just wanted to take a quick shower and watch some mindless program on television and go to sleep. She set her alarm for six thirty in the morning. She wanted to make sure to be there when Timmy woke up.

An extra reclining chair was brought into Timmy's room so both Sam and Viki could sleep in the room with him. Timmy slept through his late feeding and the administration of his medications. Viki and Sam were both sound asleep when they heard Timmy cry out. It was three-fifteen in the morning. He was starting to climb over the side rail on the bed when Sam, ran to the bed to stop him. Carl, who had been posted outside the door, immediately came in when he heard Timmy cry out. Nancy, Dan, and Marcia sprung to action too and headed into Timmy's room.

Timmy seemed to still be dreaming. Sam was hugging Timmy tightly and Viki was stroking his head as the staff stood close, in case they were needed.

"Kevin! Teee! Teee!" Timmy called out. He was crying.

"Timmy, it's all right. Mommy and Daddy are here. Tea and Kevin will be here in the morning. Shhhh, baby. Its all right." Viki tried to sooth him.

"I think he's still asleep," Sam told them.

"Timmy! Timmy, wake up. It's Marcia. Come on honey, wake up!" Marcia lightly tapped the side of his face.

Suddenly Timmy pulled away from their arms and turned over on his stomach and started crying out. "No Daddy. Noooo! Daddy please. I'll be good. Noooo! Mommy! Mommyyyyy! Nooo! Stoooop! It hurrrrts! Mommy wake up!"

They noticed Timmy was pressing his body into the mattress. He was having trouble breathing, as he felt Peter's weight on top of him. They knew Timmy was dreaming about being raped. He hadn't had a dream like this in a very long time.

"No, Timmy, no one is hurting you. You don't have to stay on your tummy. Come on honey. We'll get you on your back," Marcia said tenderly.

"Okay, buddy. Relax. We're going to help you turn on your back. You're safe. Daddy's not here," Carl tried to sooth him with words as he and Marcia gently turned Timmy on his back.

Timmy still appeared to be asleep. He continued to cry out in pain. They hoped they wouldn't have to call Susannah at this hour. Susannah left orders not to heavily sedate him unless it was absolutely necessary.

Dan tried this time. "Timmy! You're having a bad dream. Wake up It's safe here. No one here will hurt you."

Timmy's eyes fluttered open. He looked confused and frightened. He started to tremble. He looked at Marcia. "Where's Mommy? Where's my mommy? I want my mommy."

Viki sat down next to him. "I'm right here sweetheart. Daddy and I are both here."

Timmy turned to look at Viki and backed away. "Daddy's here?" Timmy was clearly terrified.

"I'm right here pal. What's wrong? Tell daddy."

Timmy's lower lip and chin quivered as tears continued down his cheeks. "You're not my daddy and you're not my mommy. Where's my mommy? Is Daddy here?" Timmy was cowering.

"Timmy, do you know who this is?" Nancy pointed to Viki.

Timmy shook his head. Viki and Sam's hearts started to pound. "I want my mommy. I'm scared. Is my daddy coming here?" Timmy's frightened eyes darted around.

"Timmy, it's Viki. Baby, don't you know me?" Viki asked as she cupped his cheek.

"You're not my mommy. I want my mommy!" Timmy wailed.

"Tell me your name, hon," Nancy asked.

"Timmy," he whispered as more tears came.

As far as they could tell it was Timmy. "Timmy can you tell me where you are?" Carl asked.

Timmy looked around. "This isn't my house. Where's mommy? Is daddy here?" Timmy buried his head in his knees as he held them to his chest.

Viki and Sam exchanged looks. They both knew what this reminded them of . . . the first time they met Timmy back in the jail cell. He couldn't remember them that time either and he was terrified and wanted his mother.

"Maybe you should call Susannah?" Sam suggested.

"Yes, I was about to," Marcia replied. They could see the worried look on her face.

Carl tried again. "Timmy, your daddy is no where near here. He won't come anywhere near you. Okay, buddy."

Timmy didn't respond. He just stayed curled up in a little ball in the corner of the bed. Marcia came back in. She motioned for Sam and Viki to talk to her away from Timmy's bed. "Susannah is on her way. She asked that we keep from sedating him, if possible, until she gets here and has a chance to assess him. She asked that you not talk to him unless he talks to you first."

"Susannah doesn't want us to talk to him?" Sam didn't like that sound of that.

"I'm sorry, Sam. Right now Timmy doesn't know who you are and he is afraid of you and Viki." Sam and Viki looked like had been slapped in the face.

Timmy remained huddled in a little ball near the headboard. Susannah parked her car in the garage and rushed to Timmy's room. She had been upset to hear he was in this state. She wondered what was going on with him. He seemed to have calm down before she left. Sam and Viki were sitting across the room from Timmy's bed. Marcia and Carl sat on either side of the bed. Dan was posted outside the door.

"Thank you for calling me. You did the right thing," Susannah whispered to Marcia.

The only movement of Timmy's body was a slight shuddering of his shoulders as he quietly wept. His face was tucked in his knees. "Timmy?" Susannah called out softly. He didn't lift his head or respond. "Timmy can you look at me. I won't hurt you."

Timmy lifted his face. His eyes were red and swollen and his face tearstained. "Do you know who I am?" Susannah asked. He looked at her and shook his head. Susannah wanted to make sure this was Timmy. "How old are you?" He held up four fingers. Even though Marcia told her on the phone that he said his name was Timmy, Susannah tried again. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Timmy." His voice was barely audible.

"Timmy, can you tell me why you're crying?"

"I can't find my mommy and I can't find my house," Timmy whimpered. His trembling increased.

Susannah pointed to Sam and Viki. "Do you know who they are?"

He looked their way and shook his head again. Timmy held up his right hand. "I have a boo-boo."

"Yes, you do. Does it hurt?" Susannah asked.

He nodded. Timmy looked down at the bandage covering his chest wound. It was as if he were seeing it for the first time. "I have a boo-boo here too?" His crying increased.

"Is that one hurting you too, Timmy?"

He nodded again. He looked at Susannah. "What's your name?"

"Doctor Hanen," she knew that was the way Timmy, Todd and the alters preferred to address her. "Does that sound familiar to you?"

"I got the boo-boos cause I fell down. I'm real clumsy." Hearing she was a doctor Timmy immediately went into his well-rehearsed speech explaining how he got hurt. It was something he hadn't done with Susannah in a very long time. She could not understand this sudden set back. Concerning her even more was his apparent amnesia about the last few months of his life. "Is my daddy here?" Timmy scanned the room again. There was a look of panic in his eyes.

"No, Timmy. Your daddy can never, ever come here. You don't have to worry about that."

"Where's my mommy? How come she left me here?"

"Your mommy wants us to take care of you now, Timmy. She loves you very much and she knows you are safe here. She knows your daddy can never come here," Susannah stroked his head as she spoke to him. Timmy pulled back from her touch. "Do you know who Kevin is?" Susannah inquired. Timmy shook his head. He put the first two fingers of his left hand in his mouth. That clinched it for Susannah. She was sure this was the same Timmy they had always known; only he had lost all memory of them. Susannah didn't know if it had something to do with the medication. This was not a side effect of any of the meds he was on. Of course, she never really knew with Todd and the alters. They sometimes had unusual and intense negative reactions to meds that usually never caused problems. Susannah also wanted a neurological workup done on Timmy. His reactions in the past few days were troubling her greatly. She wanted to make sure she covered every base.

"Timmy, does your head hurt?"

"Uh-uh," he answered and shook his head. He continued to suck on his fingers.

Susannah held up two fingers. "How many fingers do you see, Timmy?" His vision seemed normal. He only saw two. Susannah showed him her penlight. She let him turn it on and off. "Can I take this light and look in your eyes with it?"

"Uh-huh," he said and nodded. His pupils reacted normally to the light. Without further testing Susannah couldn't rule out a neurological problem. At this point he was not presenting with any. "When's mommy coming for me?" Timmy asked again.

"Timmy," Susannah began gently. "Mommy wants you to stay here with us for a while. She knows we love you very much and will take very good care of you."

"Mommy's not coming back for me?" Timmy was clearly horrified and frightened.

"You're going to stay with us right here for a while," Susannah explained.

"NO! I WANT MOMMY! I WANT MOMMY! MOOOMMMYYY!" Timmy screamed. He tried to get off the bed. Susannah, Carl, Dan, Marcia and Nancy held him firmly.

Timmy started to panic. He tried desperately to get away from them. Susannah continued to speak to him calmly and firmly. "Timmy, you need to calm down. It's the middle of the night. I want you to stay in bed. It's safe here no one will hurt you. Your daddy can't come anywhere near you."

Timmy's fear and panic quickly escalated. "MOMMMYY! MOOOOMMMYYY! I WANNA GO HOME. MOOOOMMMMMYYYY! I WANT MOOOOMMMMYYYY! " Timmy screamed. He was crying so hard he was gasping for breath and choking on his words. He was too far gone and could not stop his suffering without help. Susannah gave Marcia an order for an even stronger sedative than the one she had ordered before she left. When Timmy saw her come in with a syringe he started to fight their hold even harder. He tried to kick, but his legs were being held down firmly. Susannah did not want to put mechanical restraints on Timmy.

"Timmy, you won't get stuck. You have a hep lock, honey. The medicine goes in there. It won't hurt. I promise," Marcia assured him.

Timmy continued to try to get away. He was beyond the point of being able to hear anything that was said to him. The medication was injected. Timmy continued to cry and scream for his mother for another minute. His breathing started to become more even. His screams and sobs turned to tiny, low whimpers. Finally his swollen eyelids shut and he was asleep.

Sam and Viki had been standing across the room from Timmy's bed. Sam had his arm around Viki's shoulder, as much for his own comfort as for hers. They could not believe this child who didn't know them and was terrified of them was their Timmy.

Susannah waited until Nancy took his vitals. His heart rate was slightly elevated, but that was normal under the circumstances. Susannah asked Viki and Sam to step outside with her. She could see they were both extremely upset.

"What the hell happened?" Sam snapped.

At the same time Viki asked, "Why doesn't he recognize us? That is Timmy isn't it?"

"I know this is upsetting. I need for you both to stay calm. Timmy is not in any physical danger right now. Let's go sit down and talk." Susannah tried to keep her voice calm and soothing. She knew Sam and Viki were on the edge. They both took a deep breath and walked to the lounge area with Susannah.

"What's happening to our little boy?" Viki asked.

"Timmy is experiencing amnesia. It is another form of dissociation. I am going to have a neurological workup done on him tomorrow to rule out any physical cause. I don't think it is physical, so please don't worry about that yet. I don't understand why this is happening. It may be temporary and he can just snap out of it after he's had some sleep and he is calmed by the medication. Now, Marcia filled me in briefly. Can you tell me exactly what happened?"

Sam began to fill Susannah in. "Timmy seemed to be having a nightmare. He was calling out for Kevin and Tea. We tried to wake him up and he tried to climb over the side rails on the bed. He seemed to still be asleep at that point. Then his dream apparently turned into a flashback of being raped. He turned on his stomach."

"You know that's something Timmy never does, not even accidentally in his sleep," Viki interjected.

Sam nodded in agreement and continued. "He acted like he felt Peter on top of him. Then he started screaming for his mother. He was terrified that his father was in the room. He didn't recognize any of us or seem to know where he was."

"Susannah, he was like he was the day we first met him," Viki informed her.

Susannah noticed tears had formed in both Sam and Viki's eyes.

"He curled into a little ball and continued to cry and sat that way until you came in," Viki gave Susannah the last of the details.

"Okay. You say that at first he was calling for Tea and Kevin, but he wasn't fully awake?"

"That's right." Viki confirmed.

Susannah thought for a minute. "So, his memory was intact at that point. It wasn't until after the nightmare turned to a flashback of being raped that he couldn't remember anything." Susannah thought for another few seconds. Then explained. "I'm going more and more with this being a different form of a dissociative episode . . . more like a fugue state. Sam, what you said about him being like he was the day you met him. That may be just what it is. Timmy has blocked out everything that happened since that day. That is why he doesn't recognize us. I think the separation anxiety he felt last night may have something to do with it. That was the beginning of his nightmare. I believe Timmy started to dissociate when he was having the flashback. The fear of being abandoned by his loved ones became mixed up with the flashback of being raped. He may have felt that there was no one to save him. It became less painful to stop remembering all of you than to feel you wouldn't be there for him."

"But I though that was all taken care of with that written promise that Kevin and I drew up? He seemed secure after that." Sam didn't understand.

"He may have been, temporarily. Or he may have let it calm him for a while because he needed relief from his anxiety. Unconsciously, he is still terrified of losing his loved ones."

"So it's less painful to forget us than to lose us?" Viki thought out loud.

"Yes. It's Timmy's way of protecting himself. Unfortunately he still ends up feeling frightened and miserable, because now he is in a strange environment among strangers and he wants his mother."

"And he can't get comfort from us because we are part of what he's afraid of. God! This makes sense and it doesn't. He hides from one thing that he can't handle and puts himself into another that is almost as painful," Sam exclaimed. He nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

"What if he doesn't get his memory back? Look at Todd. Look how long he's kept himself blind," Viki pointed out. There was panic in her voice.

"I don't think that will happen. I think it once Timmy feels secure that he will not be left by anyone he will get his memory back. It may just be a response to the flashback," Susannah theorized. "As far as Timmy knows he was raped tonight. He cannot tell flashbacks from reality. Once the medication calms him the panic he felt that caused the dissociation may lift and his memory may come back. I have to warn you that even if it does, it could happen again. We know this hasn't happened to Timmy since we've known him, but it might have happened before. Even if it hasn't, he may have taught himself that this is a way to alleviate his pain, temporarily. If this hurts less than what he was feeling, he may need it again. Let's see how he is when he wakes up tomorrow. I don't think he will be awake when Tea and Kevin get here. If you think it would be best, you can tell them to come later."

"Susannah, last night you said you wanted to talk to us about Timmy. Is there more?" Viki pressed apprehensively.

Susannah really didn't want to worry them with this now. However, since Viki had asked, she wasn't going to keep it from them. "I was a little concerned that Timmy had trouble spelling words he already knew how to spell and that he forgot how to spell his name. I also noticed some possible problems with his motor skills when he was in the playroom."

"Are you thinking there is something happening to his brain?" The panic returned to Viki's voice.

"Not in the way you mean, but it is possible that the medication is having this negative effect on him and even more possible that Timmy's depression is affecting his cognitive functions, which include his memory and orientation, concentration, reasoning ability and intellect. It may also affect his motor skills, but that would be more likely the medication. We know that Timmy's IQ, shortly after he came out, was one hundred and thirty-six. That was not as high as some of the others, but still he is highly intelligent. I would like to retest him. I would also like to run some developmental tests on him. There is nothing in any of the test that will cause him any pain or discomfort. They will be made to seem like games to him."

"Do you think we are going to have to earn his trust all over again?" Sam posed. He didn't add that he had come to love having Timmy call him and think of him as daddy. Sam did not want to lose that.

"Why don't we wait and see how he is when he wakes up. I have a feeling that this dissociation is a response to the separation anxiety he's feeling and to the panic he felt from the flashback. Timmy may need a little stronger and regularly scheduled dose of medication for anxiety to help him through this. I hope not. He's already on so much medication . . . we'll see. Why don't you two go to the family lounge for the rest of the night? I'll stay with Timmy. I'll have Carl or Dan in there as back up in case I fall asleep."

Sam looked at Viki. She nodded in agreement. They thanked Susannah for coming to the hospital in the middle of the night, again, and headed for the lounge. Susannah headed for Timmy's room.

Viki and Sam had woken up by seven-thirty. Viki showered and changed first and headed to Timmy's room. Sam said he would join her after he had his turn. Viki figured there was no point in calling Kevin and Tea as they were probably on their way. She was right. Kevin was the first to arrive at seven-fifty. Viki was just coming down the hall to Todd's room when she saw Kevin being buzzed onto the unit.

Kevin immediately felt what happened to Timmy was a direct result of his not being there for him. "Kevin, honey, please. I am not going to tell you that had absolutely nothing to do with it, but Timmy was Timmy until he had a flashback of what that monster did to him. Viki then told Kevin about the testing Susannah wanted to do on Timmy.

"That's ridiculous! Mom, that kid is as smart as a whip," Kevin declared defensively. Like a proud father, Kevin hated anyone saying that Timmy wasn't as brilliant as he saw him to be.

"Kevin, Susannah is not saying Timmy isn't smart. Even if he tests lower than he did, he is still considerably more intelligent than the average child. Susannah did notice some things and we noticed them too."

"Oh like what!" Kevin was feeling angry that Susannah would worry his mother over this. Timmy was the smartest little boy he knew and that was the end of it.

"Honey, you saw it. He wasn't able to spell some of the words you had already taught him. He forgot how to write his name. Susannah said his motor skills seem slightly impaired when she was watching him in the playroom."

"Come on. He was fine. He can't use his right hand, that's all. Mom, there is nothing like that wrong with Timmy."

Viki knew Kevin loved Timmy, but she was a little surprised by his refusal to see that there might be a problem. While they were talking they saw Tea walking up to the doors to be let in. She joined them and was even more upset than Kevin to hear that Timmy might not remember them. She was more accepting of the fact that Timmy might be having some cognition problems. Tea and Kevin stayed in the waiting area outside Timmy's room. Viki went in.

Timmy was still asleep. Terry was on duty and she was giving him a feeding. "I cleaned and redressed his wounds to make sure it was done while he is still out. It really isn't that painful for him anymore. They are healing," Terry informed Viki.

Susannah was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, writing some notes. When she saw Viki she put down her pad and pen and walked over to her. "He hasn't stirred once. I think he will be out for another couple of hours. Why don't you and Sam go have some breakfast?"

"Are you going to be testing him today?" Viki asked anxiously.

"Only the neurological testing might be done today, if possible. Doctor Anderson, the neurologist who's familiar with Todd's case, isn't in yet. It really depends on what kind of shape Timmy is in, if it's Timmy who wakes up. Unless the problems are shared by the other alters or Todd there is no point in his examining them too. It would be better if Timmy were reasonably alert for the tests. He also needs to be calm. If he has to be heavily medicated there is really not much point in it. So, we'll see how he is when he wakes up." Susannah tried to sound more cheerful than she felt.

When Viki went back to the waiting area Sam was there. "Mom, Sam agrees with me. There is nothing wrong with Timmy's intelligence. We don't think he should be put through those tests."

"Wait a minute, Kevin. I said I don't think there is anything wrong with him. I don't see the harm in those tests. Susannah said he would think he's playing a game. They won't hurt him."

"Well, I still don't think they're necessary," Kevin insisted. He was a little annoyed. He thought Sam was backing him up completely. Kevin knew he would never forgive himself if he had caused any permanent damage to that child. What Kevin really wanted to do was go for a drink. He fought it. He wanted to be there, and in good shape, when Timmy woke up. Kevin decided to go for a walk instead.

Sam insisted that Viki go to the cafeteria and get some breakfast. He said he would wait in case Timmy woke up sooner than expected. He asked Viki to bring him back a bagel and a couple of coffees. Viki asked Tea to join her.

"Kevin filled me in on everything that happened after I left. We had a bite at Carlotta's," Tea informed Viki as they sat in the cafeteria having breakfast. Tea then told Viki all about Eli. "Do you think a visit from Eli would help Todd? Tea posed. "Perhaps if he could see all the good he's done for that boy, it would make him feel better about himself?"

Viki thought for a minute. "I really don't know. Todd might not even remember doing that. He may not remember Eli. Also, if he does remember, he may not want Eli to see him in the shape he's in. You know how ashamed Todd is of being seen in his condition. Let's ask Susannah?"

"Viki, does Doctor Hanen really think that Timmy may have become . . ." Tea searched for the right word. "Slower . . . does she believe his intellect may have diminished?"

"Susannah thinks it may be due to the depression he's in. There is a small possibility that it may be one of his medications. Susannah feels that is unlikely."

"Oh, Viki. Kevin may be right? Maybe we did this to Timmy? The reason he is so depressed is because he can't trust in our being there for him, because we weren't. I was so afraid I'd end up hurting him and maybe I did anyway." Tears formed in Tea's eyes.

"No! Tea, listen to me. Timmy loves you and he needs both you and Kevin in his life. You stayed away because we all thought it was best for Todd. Now we realize we have to consider the alter's feelings as well. You did nothing wrong. We told you what we thought was best and you followed along. What more could you have done? It's possible we will all have to start building a trusting relationship with Timmy all over again. Or he may wake up and remember everything. Either way, he needs you in his life . . . and you know what? So does Todd. Tea, I know my brother and I know how deep his love for you is. He may not have always acted that way, but you have to believe he loved you. No! Loves you. Tea I know he still does. There is a part of Todd that houses all the love he feels for you. He has just put it to sleep for now because it is too painful for him to feel."

Tea looked at Viki. She saw anguish for Todd and love for him in Viki's eyes. "Viki, Todd and I hurt each other a lot, but I know Todd loves me. I think a part of me always knew that."

"Todd doesn't make it easy to love him," Viki admitted.

"You know, that's just it. I was talking about it to Kevin last night. No, in some ways Todd makes it extremely difficult to love him. He keeps pushing you away, all the while hoping you won't go. He is hoping you will be the one to love him . . . no matter what. On the other hand, Todd is so much easier to love than he would ever imagine. He has so many good qualities that he would never admit to. His caring and generosity to Eli just being one example. I think Todd's outrage at a child like Eli dying for lack of money says so much about him. I know that Todd loves me."

Tea's eyes became very sad as she continued. "God, why couldn't I see things so clearly when we were together? I thought about it last night and I realized what was so special about Todd's love. It is the kind of love he has been longing for his whole life. He loved me unconditionally. I don't think there was anything I could have told Todd that would make him stop loving me. Yes, trust was an issue for him." Tea looked down at her coffee. "I gave Todd reasons not to trust me," she confessed. "But even before I did, he had a problem believing that I could love him."

"Honey, Todd has a problem believing anyone can love him. He does not feel he is lovable. He doesn't even feel he's likable. I know what that feels like and no matter how people show you love, when you feel that way about yourself you can't believe anyone could love you." Viki took Tea's hand and continued. "You gave Todd something very special." Tea still looked away. "Honey, listen to me. You did! I saw it when I saw the two of you together. I saw it in his eyes and in yours." Tea looked at Viki. "Tea, your eyes showed my brother a reflection of the man you saw him to be. The man he could be. The man he so desperately wants to be. He strived to be that man for you, Tea. I don't think I'd ever seen Todd try harder."

Tears trickled down Tea's cheeks as she listened to Viki's words. She patted them away with a paper napkin and acknowledged, "I know how hard he tried. Even then I knew. I only hope he saw the love and respect and admiration I had for him reflecting back from my eyes when he looked into them. I hope he saw the Todd that I saw. I'm afraid the only thing he may remember is the anger that was there sometimes."

"I think Todd did see that you loved him and that you thought he was a worthwhile human being. Not too many people think that of Todd. I don't know if he ever felt he lived up to what you saw, but I know he saw it. That's what made him keep trying to be who you knew he could be."

"Viki, I was just telling Kevin last night how Todd was the only man who ever loved me for just being me. He was the only one who made me feel special, like I was important to him. Can you imagine what that felt like? You know I wanted to have a sexual relationship with Todd," Tea admitted frankly. "I pushed for that and I am so sorry because I know it hurt him. I was thinking about it last night. I realized that in some ways I can feel Todd's love more because we weren't together that way."

Tea hung her head again. Still, she continued. "I don't know if you know this about me . . . I . . . most of my adult life I used sex to feel loved. Even if it was with someone my mind told me could never love me . . . if they slept with me it felt like love. I wanted that proof from Todd. I thought his love for me could only be validated by his making love to me. When that didn't happen I felt rejected, especially considering he had a sexual relationship with Blair. I never thought that it might not have been Todd who slept with Blair."

"Tea, there was no way you could ever have known that," Viki gently pointed out.

"Then something strange happened. Something I had never experienced," Tea went on. "I started to feel love and acceptance from Todd, without sex. For the first time I started to feel love for me from the inside out. I know that sounds stupid."

Viki could see Tea was embarrassed. "Honey, I do know what you mean. It isn't stupid. That kind of love is the most precious of them all. Physical love is important and beautiful, but that is not what keeps a relationship going . . . not the forever kind of relationship I think you want with Todd. Things happen, people become sick. The physical part a relationship can end and yet the kind of love you're talking about continues. That's the kind of love that goes on forever."

Tea nodded. "Viki, I do understand that. I understand it more now then I ever could have a couple of years ago or even a year ago. With every other man I tried to fit in. I tried to be what I thought they wanted. I never had to do that with Todd. Even from the beginning, I knew that Todd valued who I really was. It was a woman I'd nearly lost before I met your brother. He gave me back Tea Delgado. The real Tea Delgado. I almost feel like Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz. I went looking for the kind of love I thought I needed and all the time . . . there it was . . . at home . . . with Todd. How is it possible that a child who never knew the meaning of unconditional love could grow up to give it so easily . . . to me . . . to Starr? I have never seen him as much as raise his voice to Starr. Where did all that love come from? How was it not completely tortured out of him?"

Viki smiled at her sister-in-law. She could not only see Tea's love for her brother, but the respect Tea had for the man Todd had become. It was not something Viki often saw when people spoke about Todd. She squeezed Tea's hand. "You are the best thing that ever happened to my brother. I hope you realize that?"

Tea smiled back and gave Viki's hand a squeeze in return. "I know there are not too many people in this town who would believe it. Todd is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know how, but I will get him to believe that. If I have to wait forever to do it, I will get him to feel my love for him. I swear that to you, Viki." Tea took Viki's hand in both of hers. "There's something else that being in Todd's life gave me." Viki looked at her with curiosity in her eyes. "It gave me you. I always wanted a sister. It was hard growing up as the only girl in my family. I always dreamed of having a sister I could talk to like this and confide my secrets in. I hope you don't mind my feeling that way about you?"

"Mind?" Viki looked at Tea with great affection as she continued. "Honey, don't you know I love you. Even if you were no longer a part of Todd's life, I would still love you and be there for you. Like Todd, I think the real Tea Delgado is perfect, just the way she is. Now let's bring Sam his breakfast before he ends up in intensive care."

*****

Timmy was still sleeping when Viki and Tea came back to his room. Kevin had come back and he was sitting by Timmy's bed. "Has he shown any signs of waking up?" Viki asked.

"He turned over on his side a few minutes ago," Kevin filled her in.

Viki handed Sam his bagel and coffee and massaged his neck. He looked tired. Kevin stood up and offered Tea his chair.

Tea sat down and stroked Timmy's head. "We're here, angelito. We're all here for you. It's safe to remember us. We all love you."

Kevin stood behind Tea. Even in sleep he could tell it was Timmy. It never ceased to amaze him how Todd's face could change from alter to alter. Todd's angular face was replaced with Timmy's soft round one. Even Timmy's skin was different from Todd's. It was softer. When you stroked his cheek it was like stroking a child's. That, physically, the alters could be so different from each other and different from Todd was still astounding to Kevin. As Susannah once told him, even science does not yet understand how this happens.

*****

Susannah was sitting in the cafeteria having her sixth cup of coffee of the day. She was wearily rubbing her eyes when she heard someone place a plate on her table. She was surprised to see Larry Wolek. Even though they both worked in the same place they hadn't run into each other for a while. "Danish?" Larry offered. He moved the plate a little closer to Susannah. "I saw you while I was at the pastry bar and you looked like you could use this."

"Cinnamon! My favorite," Susannah commented.

"I remembered," Larry replied with a smile.

Susannah was touched that he would remember a breakfast they had so long ago. She realized that she kind of lost touch with Larry. They had a few meals together after they had been at Viki's house at Christmas time. Larry had left a few messages for Susannah. She thought she had returned most of them, but now she wasn't sure.

"You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Susannah. Are things not going well with Todd?"

She heard genuine concern in Larry's voice. "Not at this moment. Todd has shown some improvement he has started to have some memories. Unfortunately, right now, Timmy is experiencing amnesia. He doesn't even remember Viki and Sam."

"Has he recently been traumatized by something?" Larry asked.

"In a way. He went into a major depression because Kevin had not been to see him for a while. He also thought Tea was angry with him when she hadn't been around. He had been keeping those feeling bottled up."

"Has Viki been able to get Kevin to visit him?"

"Actually, Kevin did come to see him. Tea has also been spending time with him. It seems that now that they are back in his life he is terrified of losing them. He can't bear for them or any of us to be out of his sight. When he was with Kevin he had to be in physical contact with him. It was as if he couldn't believe Kevin was really there."

Larry shook his head. He remembered how fragile Timmy was from what happened at Christmas. "Viki, has kept me informed some about Todd's progress. She also told me that she is having sessions with you again. I think that's a good idea."

"You knew Victor Lord fairly well, didn't you?" Susannah asked Larry.

"Yes, and everything you heard about him is true. He was a miserable bastard. As ruthless as they come."

"Did you know that Victor visited Todd when Todd was two years old?" Susannah could see by the shocked look on Larry's face that he didn't. Susannah explained. "There is an alter. We call him Baby Todd. He's two years old. He was able to give us a detailed description of Victor's visit. Apparently, Victor realized Todd was being abused and still walked away from him."

"It surprises me that Victor would allow someone to damage his property," Larry commented.

"Viki also refers to herself and Todd as Victor's property. Was he truly that cold, for all the world to see?"

"Yes. He was a brilliant man and a brilliant businessman. The problem was that he wanted to control his life as easily as he did his business. Meredith was able to break away. He never had the kind of control on her that he did on Viki. She managed to escape his perversions. She always suspected that Victor may have molested her sister; only she never confronted Viki about it. I don't think Victor ever forgave either of his daughters for marrying." Larry smiled. "He really hated me until Joe came along. I always tried to be polite to the old bastard, but Joe . . ." Larry laughed. "Joe let him have it with both barrels and right between the eyes. Victor's control alarm went into the red zone when Joe came into Viki's life. He knew he didn't have a chance in hell of keeping Viki from him, but he tried. He pulled every dirty trick he could think of. He even convinced Viki to marry another man when she thought Joe was dead. Yeah, that was Victor all right. Todd would not have faired that much better being raised by him."

"Larry, did you know Viki back around the time Todd was born?"

"Yes, it was around that time she thought Joe was dead. She thought he had been in an auto accident."

"Did Viki ever give any indication to you that she was aware of Irene being Victor's mistress or that there was child? I don't mean a conscious indication. I mean some sort of unconscious slip . . . perhaps something Viki herself might not have been aware of?"

Larry thought for a moment. "No, nothing that I remember. Why? Do you think that Viki may have seen something and blocked it out or that another personality may have been aware of it and Viki is still blocking that?"

"Umm, not really. It's just that Viki feels guilt for Irene being forced to give Todd away. That doesn't make sense if she had absolutely no knowledge of Todd. Then again, when a child is as sick as Todd is parents often look to blame themselves. It's so hard to make sense of something so awful happening to a child. The blame has to be placed somewhere and Peter Manning is dead. There is not that much satisfaction in blaming him." Susannah took another bite of the Danish. "Larry, do me a favor. If you think of anything at all that may be a connection between Viki and Todd and Irene, let me know?"

"You got it. So, how have you been? We always seem to keep missing each other?" Larry remarked.

"I'm doing okay. Todd is pretty much a twenty-four seven patient. He and the alters are very unpredictable. They can be fine one minute and then quickly escalate into a dangerous mood. I don't mean dangerous to me or to the family. Most of the alters are only a danger to themselves."

"So, I guess you spend most of your time here. Maybe . . .” Larry was interrupted by a man walking over to the table.

"Hi there. They told me you were in the cafeteria. Am I interrupting something?" he asked.

Larry noticed the total change that came over Susannah when she heard this man's voice. He also noticed the light that came on in her eyes when she looked up from her coffee and saw this man. Susannah's always attractive face became beautiful as it emanated a glow. Larry had heard that Susannah had been seen around the hospital with a police officer from Chicago. He did not want to ask Viki about this. He didn't want to put her on the spot. He assumed this was the gentleman in question. He didn't need a house to fall on him to see that this man was more than an acquaintance. He had never seen that look in Susannah's eyes when she looked at him.

Getting over her surprise at finding Bill standing by her table, Susannah made the introductions. "Larry, this is Bill Jackson. Bill, this is Doctor Larry Wolek. Larry, Bill is police commissioner from Chicago." Susannah and Larry both felt a little awkward.

Larry and Bill both extended their hands. After the hand shake, Larry said, "it was nice meeting you, Bill. I hate to run, but I have patient scheduled in about ten minutes."

"Well, it was nice to meet you too Larry," Bill offered. Susannah watched Larry walk away. Bill noticed the sad look on her face. "Is everything all right?" he asked.

"Yeah, I was just thinking what a class act Larry is."

Bill got the picture. "He must be, because walking away from you has to be one of the hardest things a man can do." Susannah did not expect that comment. Bill could see that by the slight blush of her cheeks. "Doctor Hanen, I really need some good advice here. Do you think I'd be better off renting an apartment or a house in Llanview? I've been giving it a lot of thought and both have their negatives and positives."

Susannah was too shocked to answer. She remembered Bill's message and he said he had some good news, but she never expected this. "Are you planning on moving here?"

"For the time being," Bill answered with a smile on his face.

"What about your job and your kids?" Susannah pressed.

"The job I took a leave of absence from and the kids are portable. They will be coming here for Easter and over the summer. They are looking forward to seeing all the sights of Pennsylvania."

Susannah didn't know what to say. A part of her wanted to leap with joy. Another part of her was scared out of her mind. She knew that Bill was relocating for her. This was the biggest, non-professional, commitment Susannah was ever asked to make. She was unsure of everything, except one thing. She was very happy to have Bill back in her life.

Susannah filled Bill in on everything that had been happening. He thought he'd wait until later to fill her in on Michelle's parents. Susannah had a lot on her plate right now. After first telling her he would understand if her plans had to suddenly change later if there were a problem with Todd, Bill asked her to have dinner with him. He said he knew that Susannah would be more comfortable with someplace near the hospital. He told her any nearby place, other than the cafeteria, would be fine.

Holding up the remains of her Danish, Susannah asked, "You kinda think we can do better than this huh?"

"Let's hope," Bill answered.

Susannah asked him if he wanted to come say hello to Sam and Viki. She told him she would have to check first and see what the situation was.

He understood and said he would stay in the waiting area outside Todd's room unit he got the all clear.

*****

"He's been moving around and whimpering a little," Sam informed Susannah.

Susannah called Timmy's name out softly. He didn't respond. Tea continued to stroke his head and whisper to him how much everyone loved him. Kevin stood behind her again. Susannah told Sam and Viki that Bill had come back from Chicago and wanted to say hello. As Larry had, they could see that special light in Susannah's eyes. They were happy for her.

"Sure send him in," Sam smiled.

Bill offered his hand to both Sam and Viki. He really wanted to hug them. He could see the pain in their faces. He said hello to Tea and Kevin. He looked at Timmy. He saw a bandage on his chest and hand. Physically, he looked a little better. He wasn't quite as pale and the dark circles under his eyes were not as startling. He was still painfully thin and fragile. His features were that of a child. Bill felt a tug in his heart.

"Doctor Hanen," Tea called. "I think he's waking up."

Timmy opened his eyes and then as if keeping them opened were too much of an effort, he let them close again. "Keep talking to him," Susannah gently ordered Tea.

"It's Tee, angelito. Come on. Kevin is here. Mommy and daddy are here. Doctor Hanen is here and Mr. Jackson came to see you. Wake up. Come say hello to us."

Timmy opened his eyes again and stared at Tea and Kevin. "Kevin! You kept your offisal promise. Tea? Will you sign an offisal promise with me? It means you can't go away forever. Daddy puts it on lawyer paper. See!" Timmy looked down at his chest and realized he didn't have the paper. Kevin quickly handed it to him, as he saw Timmy was panicking.

Tea looked up at Sam, Viki, Susannah and Bill and smiled. Timmy seemed to be himself again. Susannah felt relief for now. She knew that hearing Tea's voice as he was coming to and seeing Tea and Kevin as soon as he opened his eyes had helped alleviate some of his fears and reduced his need to dissociate. Viki and Sam cautiously walked over to Timmy. Susannah saw the happiness and relief in there faces when Timmy held his arms out for a hug. Kevin put his hand on Tea's shoulder. She looked up at him. The joy on his face matching hers. They all watched as Viki and Sam hugged their child. Tea looked at Timmy, snuggled in his parents' arms, and felt as if her heart would burst with love for him.

*****

Blair was talking to Briggs about tomorrow's headline when Jerry Skinner knocked on the already open door. Blair quickly gave Briggs her approval for the headline and sent him on his way. If Briggs wondered what Skinner was doing with Blair he kept it to himself. Skinner had a reputation for being one of the Sun's sleazier photographers. He was usually sent on jobs other photographers found distasteful.

"I think you're going to like these, Mrs. Manning," Jerry handed Blair a large clasp envelope. After he handed it over he picked up a double picture frame Blair had on her desk. On one side was a picture of Todd from before he went to Ireland. In it, Todd's hand was outstretched, as if he were trying to block the picture. He was smiling. On the other side was a picture of Starr holding a small stuffed frog. The little girl had a big smile, but sad eyes.

"Put that down!" Blair barked when she noticed Jerry had it in his hand. Blair opened the envelope and took out the pictures. Even though it was what she had expected, she was shocked. "Was this taken down in Angel Square, on the street?"

Jerry smiled and nodded. "That Ms. Delgado you had me follow doesn't seem to be too shy about being affectionate. So, do you want to pay me now or add it to my check this week?"

Blair disliked this man intensely. However, she needed him. "I will pay you now and in cash! Remember, this stays between the two of us. Understand!"

"Yes, Mrs. Manning. You don't have to worry. I know how to keep my mouth shut. Do you want me to keep following Ms. Delgado?"

"Yes, I want you to do that exclusively. If Briggs assigns you to something else you come and let me know. Now please leave. I have work to do." Blair was relieved to see him leave. She hated dealing with Skinner. She hated what she thought Tea was doing to Todd even more. Blair looked at the picture. "You lying bitch! By the time Todd is well there will be just one Mrs. Manning and it won't be you, Chiquita," she said out loud.

TO BE CONTINUED