Susannah hoped his bringing it up meant he was ready to discuss it. "What happened when you came back home after running away to your stepfather's summer house?" Susannah pushed.

"Nothing happened," Todd denied.

"Todd, you just said you had to go back to be punished. How were you punished?"

"Punished?" Todd repeated. He felt himself fading away. He only felt partially in their world.

"What did your dad do to you?" Susannah rephrased.

Todd's head lowered. "Uh-oh. Is he in trouble?" one voice said.

"I remember you," another voice said, "you're a doctor lady and you let us draw pictures."

Everyone listened to their voices for a moment. Then they all realized Scared and Braver had come back.

*****

Susannah spoke to them first. "Hello boys. We haven't seen you for a while. No. Todd is not in trouble. Have you boys been with Carol and Goodone?"

Braver spoke up. "They take real good care of us. They never send us away. Papa had to go be with Todd now. Todd is crying and papa heard him, so he went to him. Mama and the girls are trying to make Thomas feel better because he gets mad when papa goes away. Andy is in his own room, sleeping. He’s real tired. We wanted to say hello to him but mama said no."

"Does Todd cry a lot when he comes in to hide?" Susannah inquired.

"Until papa goes to him. Papa knows how to make us all feel better," Scared explained.

The boys started to get off the chair. Susannah gently pushed them back. "Boys, you have to get up very slowly. I would like you to let someone know when you want to stand up so we can help you." They both nodded in agreement. "How do you boys feel? Do either of you feel any different from the way you usually do?" Susannah asked.

"I can't see so good," Scared answered.

"Scared, can you tell me in which way your vision is different?" Viki and Sam heard concern in Susannah's voice.

"It's not light enough." Scared shrugged. "It's just harder to see," he answered as best he could.

"Braver, are you having trouble seeing?" Susannah probed.

"Nope. I see real good," Braver answered smiling.

Susannah went to get one of Tom's storybooks. "Scared, do you know how to read?" Susannah did not take for granted that he did.

Scared nodded.

"Will you read from this book for me?" Susannah held the book out to him.

Scared nodded again. He took the book. He turned to the first page. "I can't see the letters good."

Susannah could hear the anxiety in his voice. "Scared, let me help you stand up and we will go over to the lamp and see if more light helps you to read, okay?"

"Can Braver come with me?" Scared asked anxiously.

"Sure he can," Susannah assured him. She smiled and held out her hand.

Scared gave her his hand. He was a little dizzy when he stood, but only for a few seconds. Once the book was held directly under the lamplight he was able to make out the words. "How come I can't see so good anymore?"

Before Susannah could answer him, Braver patted Scared on the shoulder and promised, "Don't worry, Scared. I'll read to you. I'll help you draw."

"Scared, your eyes might be affected by some medicine we gave Todd. I don't want you to be afraid. Whatever it is, we will fix it. Okay?" Scared nodded. "Boys," Susannah asked, "would you like to come see my office and talk to me for a while?"

They both nodded eagerly. "Can they come?" Scared pointed to Sam and Viki.

"Sure they can," Susannah replied.

Susannah asked Frank and Jeff to wait in her outer office. As they walked, they noticed that Braver had no trouble walking. Scared, who stood a little shorter than Braver, was wobbly and reached out to them as he walked.

Braver and Scared waved to Susannah's secretary as they passed by her desk. She smiled and waved back. Once they entered Susannah's office they walked around looking at things. When they passed the window they stood and looked out. The sight of people walking around on the street seemingly mesmerized them. Scared whispered something to Braver and he whispered back.

"Boys, is there a problem?" Susannah called out.

"This don't look like our neighborhood. Are we far from our house?" Braver asked. Scared tugged on his arm and whispered to him again. "Are we near mama's house?" Braver wanted to know.

Susannah walked over to them. "No boys. I'm sorry. We are nowhere near your house or mama's house. We are in Llanview Pennsylvania. Do you boys know where Pennsylvania is?"

"That's where the Liberty Bell is," Scared answered.

"Yeah, and where the candy bars come from," Braver added.

"That's right. You boys know your history and geography."

They both smiled and Braver said, "We learned that in school. We were supposed to go on a school trip, but daddy wouldn't let us."

Scared turned to Sam. "Will you take us to see the Liberty Bell and to the chocolate place?"

"Yes, as soon as you boys are well enough I will take you anywhere you want to go," Sam promised.

"Boys, I'd like you both come sit down so we can talk for a while." Susannah informed them. She pointed to the chair sandwiched between Sam and Viki's. They seemed hesitant. "Do you boys know how to work a computer?" Susannah asked. They shook their heads. "After we talk for a while how would you like me to show you how to play with the computer?" Susannah offered.

"Ooooh, can we do it now?" Braver asked. Scared looked nervous. He whispered to Braver again. "I'm sorry. We can do it later. Please don't send us away," Braver pleaded.

"You boys don't ever have to worry about that. We will never send you away. You can ask for whatever you want. You will never be punished or sent away," Susannah assured them.

Braver whispered to Scared and they both nodded to each other.

"So, is it all right if we talk a little first?" Susannah pressed. Once again, they nodded. They headed over to the chair Susannah pointed to.

"Braver, Scared, the last time you were out you told us about helping Todd find his way to your mother's summerhouse. Do you remember that?" They looked at each other nervously and nodded again. "You said she kept you for six days and then sent you back to your father. Is that right?"

They took each other's hand and nodded yet again.

"Boys, there is nothing to be afraid of. All of that happened a long time ago and your father is nowhere near here. You are both safe." They seemed to calm down a little. "Do you boys remember overhearing Todd's stepfather talking to Todd's mother about him?"

"Todd was out, but we could hear it. He didn't like Todd and he made mama send him back. I don't think mama liked Todd too much either because she said she'd take care of it. Scared and me heard her from inside. Todd started to cry when he heard them. He went to his room so they wouldn't know he heard or see him cry."

Viki and Sam fought to keep themselves from crying.

"Did mama come to tell Todd he had to go back?" Susannah asked gently.

"That's when we came out. Can I have some water please?" Scared asked.

Susannah poured him a cup of cool water. She noticed a slight tremor in his hand when he reached for it. Scared seemed to be having side effects, while Braver did not. "Scared can I feel your left arm?" Susannah asked.

"Will it hurt?" Scared was frightened.

"No, not at all. I just want to move it up and down a little." Braver patted Scared's shoulder comfortingly. "Just relax your left arm," Susannah instructed. Once his arm was relaxed Susannah put her left hand under his elbow and took his wrist into her right hand. She gently moved his forearm to and away from his body. She felt the jerking motion of cogwheel rigidity as soon as she started. She knew that Scared was starting to display extrapyramidal symptoms. This finding upset Susannah very much. She knew that this rarely happened with Zyprexa. She hoped that Scared was the only one who was experiencing this. "Braver, can I do the same thing to your right arm that I just did to Scared's left one?"

"It doesn't hurt," Scared assured his twin.

The muscles of Braver's arm offered no resistance. The movements were smooth. Susannah was amazed. She knew that each alter could experience different or no side effects, but to have the muscles of these two react differently as they shared Todd's body at the same time boggled Susannah's mind. "Okay, boys," Susannah smiled at them. "That's it. You are both very brave boys. Scared and Braver exchanged looks and giggled. They both smiled at Susannah.

Susannah continued the session. "What did you boys do when mama came into your room to tell you she was sending you back to your father?"

"We took each other's hand. We didn't want to upset mama. She said daddy would hurt her if she kept us. She said, 'you don't want daddy to hurt me again do you?' We don't ever want mama to get hurt," Braver stated.

"But we don't want to get hurt either," Scared added. A tear trickled out of his eye. He leaned to the side and rested his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam put his arm around his him.

"No, of course you don't want to get hurt," Susannah acknowledged his feelings. "It must have been very frightening to hear that you had to go back to your dad," Susannah reflected. They nodded. "Did hearing your mom say that make you feel anything beside fear?" Susannah probed. Both boys started to get anxious. Susannah knew they weren't ready to talk about their feelings just yet. She continued to probe for facts. "How much longer did you both get to stay with your mom?"

"She made us leave the next day. She gave us pizza for dinner because that's Todd's favorite and she ate with us. Mama's new husband ate all by himself because he thought we were Todd and he don't like him," Braver responded.

"Maybe he don't like us either?" Scared wondered out loud. Braver shrugged his shoulder. "Maybe mama don't like us anymore?" Scared stated as more tears rolled down his cheeks. Sam tightened his grip on him.

Remembering what Lisa and Sarah told her about Todd coming out at the airport, Susannah asked, "Do you boys remember leaving the summer house?"

They both nodded. Braver was the first to respond again. "Mama was afraid to pack the baseball cards and the stuff she got Todd at the fair. She knew daddy would punish us if he saw it. We had to leave everything and only take the clothes we came in."

"See, mama didn't want us to get hurt. She didn't," Scared whispered sadly.

"No, of course you mother didn't want you to get hurt. She loved you. She was just afraid of your father," Viki comforted them. She wanted to take them in her arms.

"Do you both remember going to the airport?" Susannah posed.

"Mama was crying when she drove us. She asked us if we wanted to stop for ice cream, but our tummies hurt," Scared informed her.

"Do you know why Todd came back out while you were at the airport?" Susannah asked.

Braver looked away from Susannah. She could see the sadness on his face. "We didn't want to hurt so much so we went inside," Braver confessed.

"Todd wanted to come out. He wanted to see his mama. He knew he would never see her again for his whole life," Scared added.

A tear slid down Viki's cheek.

"Were you both able to still see Todd and mama after you went inside? Susannah questioned. "No, I think we took a nap. Can we play with the computer now?" Braver answered and then asked.

Susannah realized they instinctively knew they could not handle any more. "Sure you can. Both of you did a wonderful job talking about things. We're very proud of you," Susannah complimented them and then showed them how to play one of the games she had installed for Tom.

They caught on right away. In just a few minutes they were laughing and giggling with each other. Susannah, Sam and Viki noticed that Scared was still having problems with movement. "Is he having some of the side effects you told us about?" Sam asked.

"I'm afraid so, but it is only Scared. Braver seems unaffected."

"Are you going to stop the medication?" Viki pressed.

"Not yet. None of the others are having this side effect. Let's give it a little while longer. Todd is still having psychotic episodes."

"I thought this is not supposed to happen with Zyprexa?" Sam pointed out angrily.

"It usually doesn't, but there is always a possibility. Todd and the alters are extremely sensitive to all meds. It's unfortunate, but he may fall into the one percent of patients who experience some of the extrapyramidal symptoms and perhaps some of the other symptoms. Peep was getting headaches. Todd is feeling sleepy, sluggish and slowed down. Thomas may have experienced akathisia and Scared also seems to be presenting with amblyopia, which is diminished vision. He feels like the light is dim. Things look slightly blurred," Susannah explained.

They watched as Scared and Braver played the computer game. They noticed that Scared was moving his head around and getting closer to the monitor. He was having trouble seeing. "Scared is also displaying extrapyramidal symptoms. I noticed some tremors and something called cogwheel rigidity. His movement isn't smooth. When I examined his arm I could feel it. As I raised and lowered his arm I could feel a hesitant jerking motion. This was not present in Braver's movements. I'm not going to start him on Cogentin yet, because that is also not without side effects and Scared may be the only one experiencing this. He is not out very often and it would be a shame to load Todd up more meds."

They looked over at the boys again. Braver had his right hand on top of Scared's left to keep it from trembling. Susannah let them play. After about half and hour they stopped. Braver whispered something to Scared. They walked over to the window and looked out again. Braver rubbed his hand on the glass.

"Is there a problem?" Susannah called to them.

"I'm just trying to feel the street and the air," Braver answered. Viki, Sam and Susannah exchanged looks. They could see the sadness in each other's eyes. They knew how awful it must be for all of them to be cooped up this way. The boys walked away from the window. Scared picked up Susannah's Rolodex. He and Braver sat down on the floor and started playing with it.

"Do you want me to take that away from them?" Sam offered.

"No, that's all right. Let them play with it," Susannah answered with a smile.

Suddenly "they" stood up. With her hands on her hips, Lisa scolded. "You're not supposed to take things that don't belong to you. Mama sent us to tell you that and that she wants you to come back and play with Thomas."

"Thomas is real upset again," Sarah added.

"No! We're having fun out here," Braver stated.

"Doctor Hanen let us play with her computer," Scared boasted.

"So! We got to play house with mama. Mama likes to play with us cause we're girls," Sarah bragged.

"Big deal!" Braver teased. "Yeah! Big deal! We don't like to play house anyway!" Scared chimed in, encouraged by Braver's teasing.

"Mama's gonna be upset because you took Doctor Hanen's toy and she didn't say you could," Lisa teased back.

"We always ask first, right Lisa?" Sarah declared. She clasped her hands in back of her and twirled back and forth.

"Well, you forget sometimes, Sarah," Lisa scolded, gently.

"HA! See, you forget too," Braver said to Sarah.

Sarah hung her head, but then came back with, "At least I'm learning. You don't listen to Lisa or to mama. That's why you both got sent away from your real mama."

Scared sat down on the floor again and stared to cry.

Viki, Sam and Susannah watched in amazement. Even Susannah had never seen four alters, all out at the same time and interacting with each other. Todd's body was a mass of movement. His head quickly turned to the left and right. His body, arms and legs quickly changed position as each alter took over for the moment. His facial expressions changed rapidly, even his height and the shape of his face seemed to change from moment to moment. Lisa and Sarah did not seem to be displaying any side effects.

"See what you did! You made Scared cry. I'm gonna tell mama. You're not supposed to make anyone cry," Braver threatened.

Lisa turned to Susannah. "She didn't mean to make him cry, ma'am. He was being bad. He took your toy."

"Lisa, it's all right. I don't mind if the boys play with the rolodex," Susannah assured her.

"Mama says we shouldn't touch other people's things," Lisa stated adamantly.

Susannah walked over to them. "Lisa, I'm sure the boy's mama didn't send them away because she was angry with them and I know Sarah didn't deliberately try to make Scared sad. Do you think you can all come sit with us? Now that you're all together I would like to ask you all some questions."

"I get to sit next to Sam," Scared called out. He wiped his eyes with his hands and then wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"THEN I GET TO SIT NEXT TO VIKI," Sarah shouted.

"Sarah don't yell," Lisa admonished.

Sarah put her hand in front of her mouth and quietly repeated, "Then I get to sit next to Viki."

Viki, Sam and Susannah couldn't help but laugh.

"I want to sit next you Doctor Hanen," Braver joined in.

"I'll sit wherever you want me to, ma'am," Lisa politely added.

Susannah tried to figure out how to work this. She pulled her chair directly in front of the chair that rested between Sam and Viki's. This way everyone got to have it his or her way.

"Lisa, why don't you come sit next to me, with Sarah," Viki suggested.

As they all sat in the one chair, Scared would lean in toward Sam and sometimes rest his head on Sam's shoulder. Sarah picked up Viki's arm and admired her bracelet. Braver and Lisa just sat still.

"First of all," Susannah began, "I want you each to tell me why you think mama didn't let you stay at the summer house."

They were all quiet. Lisa was the first to speak up. "She didn't make Sarah and me leave, ma'am. We didn't come out until Todd went up on the big plane."

"She liked us better cause we're girls," Sarah declared. She snuggled next to Viki. Viki put her arm around Sarah and hugged her close.

"Braver, Scared, do you think that too? Do you think that your mama would have liked you better if you were girls?"

Todd's body pulled away from Viki. They shrugged and Braver admitted, "Maybe, she didn't like us the way we are very much."

"No one wants to be our mama or our daddy," Scared added sadly.

"Do you know if Todd feels the same way?" Susannah inquired.

Scared and Braver shrugged their shoulders again.

"Todd feels real bad when he thinks about it," Lisa confirmed. "I want you all to understand that Todd's mama didn't make you leave because she didn't like or love you or because she wished Todd was a girl. Todd's mama was very afraid of Todd's father. She wasn't very strong. Even though she really wanted to keep Todd with her more than anything she was to frighten to do it. Todd's mama loved Todd and all of you very much," Susannah explained.

They all stayed quiet, digesting what Susannah told them.

"Did Todd's father come to the airport to pick him up?" Susannah pushed.

They all shifted uncomfortably in the chair. No one answered.

"Who was out when you got back to Chicago?" Susannah asked.

"We were ma'am," Lisa answered.

"Did Todd's father come to get you?" Susannah tried again.

Sarah snuggled against Viki. She fingered Viki's bracelet again.

Trying a different approach, Susannah asked, "Were you girls the ones to go home with Todd's father?"

Lisa pulled Todd's body away from Viki. She cocked her head. They could tell she was hearing something. "Mama is calling us to come back and play with Thomas," Lisa announced. "We were just supposed to come here to bring the boys back. We have to go now ma'am."

Susannah wanted to bring Todd out. She wasn't sure if she would be able to, with all four of them out. "Girls, boys, when you go I would like to speak with Todd. Do you think you can help me to get Todd to come out?"

"Papa won't like that," Braver answered.

"That's right ma'am. Papa protects Todd when he's with him," Lisa explained.

"Papa's the only one who knows where Todd hides. Even mama don't know," Scared added.

"I'll try to push Todd out," Sarah volunteered.

"Sarah! Papa won't like that. That's not what we're supposed to do," Lisa scolded.

"Maybe Todd won't be so sad if he hears that his mama really loved him," Sarah, answered. She held her ground.

"I promise I won't do anything to hurt Todd. If he wants, he can always go inside again," Susannah reasoned. "So can I count on all of you to help me get Todd out?"

They seemed to be whispering among themselves.

"I don't feel so good ma'am. My heart is all jumpy and my stomach feels funny," Lisa said, nervously.

"Lisa, will you let me hold your wrist so I can take your pulse?" Susannah asked gently.

Lisa held her arm out.

"Honey, you're just nervous. Lisa, I promise there is nothing to be afraid of. No one will be upset with you for helping to get Todd to come out. It's your job to help Todd, isn't it?" Susannah posed.

"Yes, ma'am, it is," Lisa agreed.

"Well, that's what I'm asking you to do. Todd needs to be able to talk about this. He may be afraid and you may feel him pulling back, but I think a part of him wants to be able to talk about this. If Todd does come out then you'll know it was okay with Carol and Goodone. If they really don't want him to than he just won't come out. Do you understand?"

They all nodded.

"Okay. Let's see if we can all get relaxed." Susannah noticed that the tenseness would leave Todd's body for a moment, only to return a second later as one or the other of them would tense up. "Who is having trouble relaxing?" Susannah asked.

Scared and Lisa raised their hand. Susannah noticed that of the four, Scared's hand was the only one that had a tremor. Susannah knew she couldn't send Sarah and Braver back because each set of twins couldn't be separated. "Okay, lets do it like this. Lisa, Sarah, I want you to close your eyes and listen to my voice. Just concentrate on my voice. Sarah, see if you can help your sister to relax." Susannah got them into a relaxed state. "Now, I want you girls to just wait here and stay relaxed while I help the boys." It took a little longer. Finally, Susannah was able to do the same with Braver and Scared. "All right. Now I want you to all to hold hands and go inside at the same time and when you do I want you to try to help get Todd to come out. I'm going to try to call to him first. Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. I want you to come out of your hiding place. Follow my voice Todd. Come to my voice. You'll be safe here. Sam and Viki are here and we're waiting for you. Come to the front, Todd." There was no reaction. "Goodone, please. I know how much you love Todd and want to help him and keep him safe. I promise we won't hurt him. If Todd needs to, he can come right back to you. Todd needs his papa to help him be strong. I want to help him, Goodone. I promise you that. I will never intentionally hurt Todd. You can listen and hear what we talk about. Let the twins help Todd come out. I hear that Thomas is upset and needs you to be with him for a while. Let us take care of Todd for now and you can go help Thomas. Please Goodone. Just give us a chance to help Todd. I think you know how much we love him."

Goodone heard Susannah's words. He knew she had a good heart and really loved Todd. He knew Viki and Sam certainly did. He also knew what she said was true. Todd could come home to him if he needed to. Maybe they could help Todd without hurting him? Goodone did need to help Carol handle Thomas. He took Todd's face in his hands. "Todd, it's all right. Papa knows you are brave. I want you to go to them. I will be here if you need me. You know mama and I will never leave you."

Todd could feel Goodone loosening his hug. He started to panic. "No! Papa, don't leave me!" Todd tried to hold on to Goodone.

"Papa knows it's safe for you to go to them Todd. I would never tell you that if it wasn't true. You know I would never lie to you. Go to your sister and Sam and to Doctor Hanen. They're waiting for you and they will protect you while you are out. I will wait for you. I'll be watching over you Todd. When you need to come back inside I will pull you back in. I love you Todd. Go to them."

Todd felt himself being pulled away from Goodone into a dark tunnel. He tried to pull himself back but he couldn't. On the outside, they could see Todd's body shudder. He drew his knees to his chest.

"Todd, come to my voice. Let me help you to come out. You're safe. Nothing will hurt you," Susannah kept repeating.

Todd felt himself pulled far away from Goodone and his hiding place. He felt afraid. He heard this voice from very far away. He couldn't make out what it was saying, but he was compelled to listen to it. He felt himself being propelled towards it. He looked around and felt his vision leaving him as he left the light and headed into the darkness. He was being pulled through the long tunnel, against his will. Again, he tried to run back. Something made him continue to listen to the voice.

"Come on Todd. It will be okay. I know you're frightened and that's all right. I also know you are strong enough to do what frightens you. You are very strong Todd. You are the strongest person I know. Come on. Todd, come toward my voice."

Todd was trembling. "Todd?" Susannah questioned.

"No! I want to go back," Todd's voice was slow and dream like.

"Open your eyes, Todd. It's all right for you to be here. You're safe. I want you to stay here and talk to us. Sam and Viki are here. You don't have to be afraid. Now open your eyes."

"They are open." Todd's voice was a little stronger.

"No, Todd. Your eyes are closed. I want you to come all the way out. Now open your eyes," Susannah directed gently, but firmly.

Todd's eyes opened. He immediately thrust his hands out in front of him. Susannah took his ice-cold hands in hers. "Sam! Viki!" Todd called out. He was panicking.

"We're right here Boomer," Sam assured him.

"I'm sitting right next to you, sweetheart. " Viki tried to comfort him.

"I heard this voice calling me," Todd whispered.

"Todd, you remember hearing my voice?" Susannah was surprised.

"It didn't sound like you. It sounded like an echo . . . so far away." Todd's speech was still sluggish.

"Do you remember anything about where you were just before you heard my voice calling to you?"

"I don't . . . I can't remember."

"That's all right," Susannah said gently. "I don't need you to name where you were. Just tell me what it felt like."

"Felt like?" Todd seemed confused.

"How did you feel just before you woke up?"

"I don't remember," he said honestly.

"Think back, Todd. Don't try to think of words. Think of feelings. What were you feeling just before you woke up?"

Todd closed his eyes and thought for a moment. In the same sluggish voice he answered, "I was so warm. I was safe. I felt love." Todd looked confused.

"What is it sweetheart?" Viki pressed.

"It felt like someone was hugging me and holding me, but I was asleep, wasn't I?"

"Whom do you think was holding you?" Susannah pushed.

A very small smile appeared on Todd's face. "It felt good. Like someone good was holding me." Todd's expression quickly changed to fear. "No! That's stupid. I hate being touched, most of the time."

"Why do you hate being touched?" Susannah probed.

"I just do! It hurts. It's like when you have a nerve exposed on a tooth and your tongue touches it. It hurts like that." Todd pulled his hands back and felt the chair under him. "Am I in bed?"

"No. You're in my office."

They could see the surprised look on his face. "Why am I here?"

"We're having a session."

"I don't remember,' Todd whispered.

"I know you don't. Todd what do you feel when you come back and can't remember?" Susannah asked gently.

"I hate it. I want to go back to my room," Todd demanded.

"You can go back a little later. Let's just talk for a while. Tell me what you feel right now. What do you hate about it?"

"Everything," Todd stated bitterly.

"Can you be more specific?" Susannah pressed.

"Why don't you take a guess! How would you feel if you woke up somewhere and didn't remember going there and had no idea when it was?"

"I would feel afraid and angry," Susannah admitted. Todd didn't respond to Susannah's confession. "Is that how you feel?" she prodded. Todd nodded. "How else do you feel? Just tell me what you are feeling now," Susannah prompted.

"Confused . . . weird . . . like everything is slowed down . . . like something bad happened or is going to happen."

"Nothing bad happened or will happen. You're very safe here," Susannah assured him.

"No place is safe," Todd responded and tucked his knees in tighter.

"Todd, do you remember what I told you a long time ago, about why you go away and what happens during the times you don't remember?" Susannah carefully approached this again.

"Viki!" Todd reached out for her again.

"I'm right here, sweetheart," Viki called to him.

"I wanna to go back to my room," Todd whimpered.

"Sweetheart, let's just stay and talk to Doctor Hanen a little longer. Sam and I are right here with you. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Todd do you remember what I told you about you having DID?" Susannah asked.

Todd tried to stand up.

"Hey, pal. It's okay. Let Doctor Hanen explain what happens when you go away. It's nothing to be afraid of. You don't do anything wrong," Sam put his arm around Todd's shoulders to comfort him and to keep him from getting up.

Todd pulled away. "I don't do anything wrong? Who are you kidding, Sam? I'm a monster. I'm the devil himself. Ask anyone. Ask anyone in this town or back in Chicago. Ask Carol or Marty or Patrick. Ask Tea. Ask Tea, Sam. She'll tell you. She'll tell why she hates me."

"Tea doesn't hate you. Todd, Tea loves you very much. She wishes she could come and see you, but she knows you don't want her too," Viki explained.

"No! I hurt Tea. I hurt her over and over again. I could never be a husband to her and I hurt her the way I hurt everyone and that's why she left. That's why everyone leaves. They know I'm a monster and I'll hurt them. They know I can't love anyone. God, Viki, I just don't know how. Maybe I was born without that gene. Maybe I'm like our father. My love is sick and it hurts. I can't love. Not the way people are supposed to. My love hurts people. It drives them away. They know I'm crazy. Everyone knows. You know Viki. Don't pretend it's not true."

Viki took both his hands in hers and spoke firmly. "Todd, you listen to me. You are not crazy and you are not a monster. You are ill. Sweetheart. I know what you're going through. I know what it's like to be told that you have DID. It is terrifying. It sounds too insane to be real. You think you're being lied to. You feel like you are the only one in the world who has ever had this and you feel totally alone and ashamed."

Todd eyes turned in the direction of Viki's voice. He held on tightly to her hands. Her words described exactly what he was feeling.

"Sweetheart, I've been to that dark and terrifying place. I've been there. With Doctor Hanen's help and the help of my family, I was able to climb out of that horrible not here and not there existence. Todd, you are part of that family that helped me."

"Me?" Todd was shocked.

"Yes, sweetheart, you." Viki smiled and stroked his head.

"No. I didn't help you. I was afraid of the crazy way you acted. Then I splashed you all over the Sun. Why don't you hate me? I hurt you just like I hurt everyone."

"Todd, why do you only remember the hurtful things you did? Sweetheart, you did a lot of good things in your life and many of them were for me."

"No! I never helped you." Todd needed to deny any goodness within him.

"Yes, you did. Do you remember when you first came back from Ireland and you were staying with me?"

"Most of it," Todd admitted.

"Do you remember one time I was extremely upset . . . 'having a meltdown,' as you aptly called it because I almost hit Kevin? Do you remember how you comforted me?" Viki's eyes filled with tears. "You told me I was better than you. You always believed that Todd. Oh sweetheart, it just isn't true." Viki could see some recognition of that conversation in Todd's eyes. Viki still was not used to Todd looking past her and not being able to make eye contact with him. He tightened his grip on her hands. Viki continued. "You told me that it was all right because I didn't hit him . . . that I held back. You said, unlike you, I could never kill someone." The tears spilled down Viki's cheek. "I told you I went to visit our father in the hospital, our sick and helpless father, and I killed him." Viki's voice choked up on the last words. "I told you how I should have had compassion for him, instead of smothering him with a pillow."

Todd pulled his right hand away from Viki's and felt for her face. He placed his fingers on her left cheek. He felt her tears. "Viki, I'm sorry he hurt you. You shouldn't feel bad over what you did. He deserved it. Our father was like me, Viki. He was a monster. He deserved what ever happened to him. I wish I was there when you were growing up. I would have killed him for you."

Viki let go of Todd's other hand and took him in her arms. She couldn't get over him. 'He wishes he could have been there to protect me! He wishes he could have saved me from Father', Viki thought. She was so proud of him. Viki felt as if her heart would burst with love for him. She wanted to tell him how much Peter Manning would have deserved to die for what he did to him, but she knew she could not say that to him yet. Todd was not ready to hear the truth about what had happened to him. "Todd, I know you would have. Don't you see sweetheart? You think I did nothing wrong, yet you hate yourself for everything you did. Todd, we are alike. If you are like father, than so am I."

Todd pulled away from her arms. "No! You had every reason to kill our father. I had no reason to hurt the people I did. Carol, Marty, Suede, Nora, Patrick, Blair, Tea. All of them. They never hurt me. Marty tried to help me. I hurt people for no reason and I never do anything good for anyone. Viki, you have spent your whole life being good you have always done so much for everyone. People love you. Everyone loves you. They hate me. They all know what a monster I am."

"No. That isn't true." Viki took Todd's hand back and gently squeezed it. "You helped me Todd. You were there for me and you took care of me and got me through that. You made me realize that even though I did a horrible thing, I wasn't horrible. You told me how much you loved Starr and how bonded you felt to her, even after only holding her once. You made me realize that I still loved Kevin, even though I wanted to hit him. You were there for me when it counted. You were there for Starr when it counted. Sweetheart, you were even there for Blair whenever she needed you. Now, we want to be here for you."

Todd's eyes puddled up with tears. He pulled his hands away from Viki. "No! You should all hate me. I'm disgusting. I'm falling apart."

"No one blames you or hates you for being sick," Sam assured him.

"Yes, they do. They all hate me and they all want to hurt me and I don't blame them. I want to hurt me too." The tears started down his cheeks.

"Todd, when you say you want to hurt yourself, what do you mean?" Susannah pressed.

"I don't want to be here anymore. I want out! I hate this. I know what you wanna tell me. You wanna to tell me I have all these people running around in my head . . . that they're the ones who are around during the times I can't remember. You don't have to tell me. I know I'm crazy. I've always known there was something really wrong and evil in me. Now everyone knows. I'll bet Asa and the rest of the Buchanans are thrilled to know I am finally locked away forever. I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. Why can't you understand that and help me?"

"Todd, we are not going to help you die! Understand that, Boomer. We love you and even if it means going against your wishes, we will not let you hurt yourself. We love you!" Sam declared and hugged Todd to him.

Todd held on to Sam for a moment and then angrily pulled away. "No! Get away from me Sam. Don't love me. I'll hurt you. If you love me I'll hurt you and you'll leave or send me away. You won't wanna be near me anymore."

"Todd, who sent you away? Who made you feel that they hated you and didn't want you around anymore?" Susannah needed him to say it.

"Everyone," Todd proclaimed.

"No, Todd. Specifically, who was the one who sent you away? The first one?"

"I want to go back to my room. Now!" Todd demanded.

"Our session isn't over yet. Todd, tell me who sent you away?" Susannah persisted.

"Viki," Todd reached out for her. Viki took his hands. She noticed how quickly they became ice cold again. "Viki, please, I don't feel good. Please, I wanna go back to my room. Make her let me go back to my room." Viki looked at Susannah.

Susannah shook her head. "Todd, you need to stay here and talk to me for a while. Then you can go lie down if you like."

"I wanna stand up. Can I do that without falling down?" Todd asked bitterly.

"Yes, just stand up slowly and let us help you," Susannah instructed tenderly.

Tears trickled out of Todd's eyes. He felt like he had not one shred of dignity left.

Secrets 72, Page 3