*****

"Viki," Susannah called softly. She did not want to startle Viki. Viki looked up at her. She could tell Viki had been crying. Susannah sat down next to her. She put her hand on Viki's shoulder and asked, "can you talk about it?"

"How's Todd? Is Andy still out? Is he upset because I left?"

Susannah realized that she should have known how Andy would be the first thing that Viki would need to know about. "Andy is fine. That is one of the things I wanted to tell you. He's back in his room. He's watching a video with Sam. He was hungry. He asked for cereal and ice cream."

Viki smiled weakly. "Did he reveal anything else to you?"

"Viki, are you sure you want to talk about this now?" Viki nodded. Susannah was concerned that Viki might not be able to handle Andy's disclosures at this moment. "Why don't you tell me what has you so upset? I know you're upset about Andy, but I think there may be more to it," Susannah suspected.

"I'm sorry, I guess the stress of everything just hit me. Susannah, you don't have to worry about me. You already have enough on your plate."

"Viki, I know you have been under stress . . . more than most people should ever have to bear. I think it's something more than that," Susannah pushed.

"Please tell me what else you learned from Andy," Viki demanded.

Susannah told Viki about everything else, including Andy being stabbed and almost dying from an infection and about discovering the name of the gatekeeper.

"Was that the chest wound Doctor Evans wrote about in Todd's chart?"

"Yes, I'm sure it was," Susannah answered.

Viki sat quietly for a few minutes, absorbing what Susannah told her. "Are you sure Andy is all right? You said he almost went into shock."

"He's fine now. He's not ready to talk anymore about how he feels or about what happened and I don't want to push him."

"Good, he's been through enough for now," Viki stated. She rubbed her temples.

"Do you have a headache?" Susannah inquired.

"A slight one. I'll just rest for a few more minutes and then go to Andy."

Susannah noticed Viki's trembling had eased a little. It had not gone away completely. "Are you cold?" Susannah asked.

"No. I'm just being silly. It's the stress of everything."

"Viki, did the things Andy was talking about upset you? Did they trigger off a memory or a feeling?" Susannah pressed.

"Once your patient always your patient," Viki joked and tried to smile.

"Yeah, I'm afraid so. I just can't let go," Susannah smiled back and then asked, "can you tell me what you felt when you heard what Andy was saying?"

"I felt as if my heart were breaking for him. I felt immense anger at Barbara and hatred for Peter."

"Is that all?" Susannah probed.

"Isn't that enough! Look at what they did to that child. I don't know how he survived. It was bad enough that he had to go through that . . . but . . . but then to make him feel dirty . . . ashamed . . . oh God . . . disgusting . . . like he did something wrong! How could Barbara have felt that way? How could she let him hear her say those things? How could he have felt any pleasure when Father did those things to him?"

"Viki, Victor didn't do those things to him Peter did."

Realizing what she had said, Viki became quiet. Her trembling increased again. She felt nauseated.

Susannah saw Viki turn pale. "Did something that Andy said remind you of something that happened with your father?"

"Todd's whole situation reminds me of what happened with Father! Why should today be any different?" Viki snapped.

"Viki, after I left Llanview how did things go with the therapist you started working with?"

"Fine, you did most of the work. You know I was all right by then," Viki's tone was defensive.

"Did you continue with therapy for much longer?”

"For a while. I was fine!" Viki was getting anxious and annoyed.

"Are you having a hard time understanding how Andy could have become aroused while being abused?" Susannah guessed.

"It's just that I never . . . I mean he was being tortured. He was terrified. He didn't want it. He was being forced. How could it possibly feel good under those circumstances?" Viki sounded confused.

"Do you feel that if he became aroused he may have wanted what Peter did or encouraged him somehow?"

"Oh God, Susannah. Of course not! How can you ask me that? Don't you think that I, of all people, know that he was forced? I know it was in no way was it his fault. It's just that I . . . when it happened to me . . . I never . . . “ Viki stopped talking and looked away from Susannah.

"Viki, you avoided talking about this in your therapy with me. We never spoke about this then. Maybe now is the time? Are you saying that you were never aroused by the things your father did to you?"

"No! I never was. If I had been that would have meant that . . . that would have made me . . . no! I . . .” Viki was starting to have trouble breathing again. Her heart was pounding.

"What would that have made you?" Susannah noted Viki's discomfort at her questions.

"Nothing! I was the victim. Father was a rapist. He was the one who was vile and disgusting. He was the one who needed to use a little girl to satisfy his sickness. He was the one who got a sick and twisted pleasure out of what we did. I never asked for it. I never wanted him to do that to me!" Fresh tears formed in Viki's eyes.

"Do you think if your body responded to your father's touching you that meant that you wanted it? Or that it meant you were a willing participant?" Susannah persisted.

Viki didn't answer.

"Viki, how can you think that about yourself and not about Andy?"

"Andy was just a baby. He was helpless and . . ."

Susannah cut her off. "And you weren't? Viki, you were seven years old when your father started abusing you. One year older than Andy."

"I know. I know! Look, we have been through this. I do not blame myself. I know I could not have stopped my father. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I knew it was wrong for it to feel good . . ."

Interrupting again, Susannah asked, "So are you saying that sometimes it did feel good, but that you felt it was wrong to feel that way?"

Viki looked horrified. "No! No! It didn't feel good. It never did! I didn't want him to do that to me. Susannah you know I didn't want him to." Viki was now sobbing openly.

Susannah took Viki in her arms and held her for a few minutes. Viki calmed down and pulled back.

"Viki, on a purely physical level, if I were to step on your toes and someone else of my size were to step on your toes do you think it would feel much different?"

Viki looked at her. She didn't understand. "What?"

"Do you think there would be much difference in the pain?"

"No, not unless one you were wearing stiletto heels," Viki quipped.

Susannah smiled. She was happy to see that Viki was able to make a joke. "So what you are saying is that your toes got stepped on and a message was sent to your brain telling it that you should feel pain. Do you think you would feel less pain because it was a stranger who stepped on your toes instead of me?"

Viki was starting to understand what Susannah was getting at and she didn't like it. "No, I imagine the pain would be the same."

"Viki, if it did sometimes feel good when your father touched you it was because a part of you was touched that sent a message to your brain telling your brain that it felt good. It was not something you did or wanted or asked for. It was purely physical. Nerve endings were stimulated. You had no more control over it then stopping the pain if I stepped on your toes. It would not hurt any more or less because I am a friend. You had no more control over it than Andy did. You were a normal little girl with normal feelings," Susannah explained.

Viki put her face in her hands and started to weep again. Choking back tears, Viki confessed, "I haven't thought about it. I didn't remember those feelings. When Andy started to talk about it and react to his memories I started to have this . . . not even a memory at first . . . a feeling. Then it started to come back to me. I remembered that . . . oh God! What does that say about me?"

"Viki, how can you believe that it means one thing for Andy and something else for you? If you are condemning yourself then you are condemning Andy too."

"No. It was different for him. He was a little boy."

"Oh, Viki. I don't think I have to tell you that a girl's or a woman's body can be just as easily aroused as a boy's or a man's. Did it sometimes feel good when your father touched you?" Susannah asked directly. Susannah could see that Viki was having trouble breathing. "Viki just say it. It's all right. You are not being judged. You can't blame yourself for what your body did without blaming Andy too. Did you sometimes become aroused when Victor touched you?"

"Yes," Viki whispered. She didn't start to cry again. She walked over to the window and stared out.

It so much reminded Susannah of what Todd used to do, before he became blind. Susannah gave her a few minutes and then walked over to where Viki stood.

"Do you want to know the irony of all this?" Viki asked without turning around. "I could allow myself to feel, Dear Lord, I don't even know how to phrase this. How does one describe being stimulated during rape?" Viki asked sarcastically.

"Exactly as you just did. There was no passion. It was not a question of being turned on. It was simply your body's normal response to being touched. It was no more than pulling back your finger after touching a hot pot on the stove," Susannah responded. Susannah could see that Viki was nearly as confused about this as Andy was.

"The irony is that now, I feel nothing. When Sam and I . . .” Viki cleared her throat and continued. "When Sam and I almost made love. I went through the motions. I wanted to. I practically initiated it, but when it came to it, I just felt dead. I feel like that part of me is as dead as Father. He killed it. He made sure that I could never feel anything with anyone but him," Viki declared bitterly.

"You told me that you were able to have a satisfactory relationship with Joe, Clint and Sloan." Susannah reminded her.

"I did, especially with Joe. It was later on. It was afterward. I sometimes felt so guilty afterward. I never said anything. I never understood it. I was married, yet I always felt like I was doing something wrong. When I first found out about Niki and was told about the way she acted . . . I-I was almost jealous of her. Joe was the most wonderful man I had ever met. He was everything I always dreamed of. He made me stronger than I was. I defied my father for Joe. I loved Joe with all my heart and wanted to be with him and I felt good in his arms . . . so good . . . safe . . . loved." Viki smiled. "And beautiful," she added. "But afterward . . . especially when I was around Father . . . there was something wrong that I could never understand. It was the same with Clint. By then Father was dead and yet sometimes I would be overwhelmed by these feelings. I never understood why. I'm not sure if I even realized it was guilt at the time." Viki paused for a second. The stared out the window and then continued. "At least I was able to be with them. I didn't feel this way. I didn't dread the moment the kissing and holding would stop and the actual . . . when things would get beyond . . ."

"It's all right Viki. I know what you are saying." Susannah realized it was still difficult for Viki to say certain things when it came to talking about herself. She was able to express herself a lot better if she were talking about Todd. Susannah also noticed that Viki did not discuss Sloan.

Viki went on. "My relationships with Joe and Clint were before I remembered what my father did to me. That was when I was being protected from the memories. I sometimes wonder if it isn't cruel to take that protection away from Todd? I don't want him to have to feel the pain that I felt when I remembered."

"Yes, Todd will feel the pain of what happened to him, as you did. Viki, what about all the other things you got to feel once you remembered?" Susannah tried to redirect Viki to the positive things that integration brought about. Viki said nothing. "Was pain the only thing you felt once all the memories your alters kept came back to you? Viki still didn't reply. Susannah tried again. "Once you didn't need the alters to be separate from you anymore, did you feel anything beside pain?"

Viki nodded. "I felt in control. I felt a sense of freedom I had never known. I felt stronger. I knew that I could make plans for tomorrow or for a week or a year away and I would still be me and be able to be there. That was the first time in my life I could feel that. It didn't come without a price, Susannah. I was also able to feel Tori's rage and Jean's coldness and need for order. I felt Princess' fears and even Tommy's need to strike out." Viki smiled slightly. "And sometimes Niki's craving for fun. It's like they are still there. They are just not separate anymore. They are a part of me. I don't need them to feel my feelings for me."

"Yes, they are all there and a part of what now makes you Viki, with one big exception. You are in control Viki. You decide what you want to do and when you want to do it. You are in control of both your body and mind. Don't you want that for Todd? Don't you want him to have that sense of freedom you talk about? Todd has never known that. He has never known what it is to be in control of his life and to do whatever it is he wants to do and to keep from doing what he doesn't want to do. Like you, Todd hates himself for the things his body has done, without his mind being aware of them. He hates the demons that drove him to do the things he does remember. Andy is a little boy. Yet he understands enough to know what Peter did to him was very wrong. Like you, he believes that if some of the things Peter did to him made him feel good then he must be bad and disgusting. If Todd were able to discuss this I am sure he would feel the same way. I think perhaps if we can get Andy to understand he did nothing wrong and that his reactions were normal then someday when Andy becomes a part of Todd it will be easier to get him to understand that. No one ever explained that to Princess. No one ever told her that she was just being a normal little girl."

Susannah's words made Viki start crying all over again. Not only was she crying for herself, but for the seven year old Princess, the little girl who had felt so ashamed and dirty all these years, the little girl who always wondered if her feelings caused her daddy to hurt her the way he did and always felt like she was somehow betraying her mommy by feeling what she did. "Susannah, I can feel it. I can feel Princess' shame and guilt. I can remember how surprised I was the first time it . . .” Viki stopped for a moment and then looked Susannah in the eye. "The first time it felt good. Afterward, I felt like the most horrible little girl in the whole world. I was afraid Father would notice that it felt good. I wanted to please him, but I didn't want him to keep doing it. I remember how confused I felt."

Viki looked away from Susannah. She looked down at the carpeted lounge floor. She finally was able to continue. "I remember after a while, like Andy, I wanted to feel those good feelings even when Father wasn't around. I learned if I . . .” Viki swallowed hard. "If I . . . if I touched myself in certain places I could make it feel good. Oh God. I swear I wasn't keeping that from you Susannah. I didn't remember until now. I don't come from the dark ages. I know enough to know that children do that and it isn't bad or perverted. So why do I feel this way?"

Without giving Susannah a chance to respond, Viki answered her own question. "Why shouldn't I feel this way? I grew up with a man who thought just mentioning the word sex out loud was something that just wasn't done. Raping your seven-year-old daughter was fine, as long as it was done in the privacy of a bedroom or in your own private secret room . . . a room built exclusively for your perversions. It was fine just as long as no one spoke about it. Dear Lord! I remember how my father hated the idea of me marrying Joe. I thought it was because he felt that Joe wasn't good enough for his princess or because Joe stood up to him. It wasn't any of those things. He didn't want another man touching his property. He didn't want me to feel those things with anyone but him. Well, he finally got his wish didn't he? I can't feel. That miserable bastard has made sure of that. Even when I want to, I can't! I love Sam. I am attracted to Sam. I love being held by Sam. I even enjoy kissing him, but when it comes to him touching the part of me that still bears my father's indelible tattoo, I feel nothing. That part of me was smothered just the way Tori smothered Father. I mean the way I did."

Viki paused and took a deep breath. She continued. "I tell myself that Father was a sick man and he needed to be helped, not murdered. Then I think of Peter Manning. He made Father look like a saint. What about him? Did he deserve to be helped? I can't feel that for him. I feel nothing but rage and a need for revenge when I think of what he did to Todd. I sometimes can't get over the irony. No matter which father Todd had been raised by he would have suffered, but not to this extent. I wonder if Father would have gone after a boy child? I think about some of the things baby Todd said about Father arguing with Peter. It was probably because he realized Peter was abusing his son. I wonder if it was out of some kind of love for Todd or if Father was just protecting his property? I want to think that he had some goodness in him and that looking into that sweet baby's eyes was enough to bring it out. I guess I never will know. Father took his secrets to the grave with him."

Viki seemed to be calming down. Susannah realized that there had been many unresolved issues in Viki's therapy when she left town. She had confidence in the therapist she had recommended. Now she thought that perhaps Viki and this therapist never developed the therapeutic relationship necessary for Viki to feel safe enough and comfortable enough to get to these issues. "Viki, I'm sorry I left Llanview before we were able to get to the memories that are now coming back to you. I think it is important for you to talk about them and to come to terms with what you are feeling. I would like to set up some sessions for us to talk about you. Not about Todd. If you like, after the first few, Sam can participate in them, if you would think it would help him to understand you better."

"Susannah, I haven't relapsed. I am Viki, no one else."

"I know that. I know that it was Viki who stood here just a few moments ago and was brave enough to face her memories and to admit her feelings. Viki you are without a doubt one of the strongest people I have ever met. What you are going through with Todd is enough to devastate most people. On top of that, both you and Sam have issues of your own to deal with. You have this and Sam has guilt that is eating away at him. When a family member becomes very ill it can sometimes destroy a family or bring them closer. I think in this case it is the latter. Would you like to have a few sessions to bring some closure to some of the issues you still have about the abuse your father put you through?"

Viki thought for a few minutes. Her first instinct was to say "no thank you." Like Todd, Viki did not want to subject herself to the pain those sessions would cause. Unlike Todd, she also knew that she was strong enough, now, to handle them. Viki knew that this was no time for her to fall apart. She had a desperately ill child who needed her and another who was frightened and confused by his feelings. Kevin needed her too and so did Sam. Sam could not handle this alone. Viki knew she had to take care of herself, physically and mentally. "Susannah, I think some sessions would be a good idea at this point. I already feel better than I did before you came here to see me. Now, I would like to go to Andy."

"Are you sure you don't want a few more minutes to yourself?" Susannah asked.

Viki took Susannah's hands in her own. "I won't say I am fine, because I know I'm not. I am better. I truly am." Viki smiled.

"What?" Susannah asked.

"I was always telling Todd he should examine his own feelings and find out why he was the way he was. I was just wondering how Todd will feel, someday, when he learns how many of my feelings I never looked at or wanted to and that when it came to it, he was the one who helped me. His bravery showed me the way to find my own."

Susannah hugged Viki. "There is no doubt that you and Todd share those bravery genes," The two women hugged for another minute. "Let's go see Todd," Susannah said as she patted Viki's back.

Andy was still out when Susannah and Viki got back to Todd's room. They heard him giggling as they entered the room. "Look! Sam's silly," Andy giggled and pointed to Sam.

Sam was picking up some playing cards off the floor. "I was attempting to show Andy a card trick and it kind of backfired," Sam admitted sheepishly. Andy continued to giggle as he watched Sam go after the cards that were scattered in all directions.

"I think it made much more of a hit this way," Viki laughed. She went over to the bed and sat next to Andy.

"Doctor Hanen brought me ice cream," Andy volunteered with a big grin on his face. He then turned his attention back to Sam.

Knowing Andy was watching him, Sam deliberately let some of the cards fall back down and scatter again. Andy burst into giggles all over again. Viki smiled. She realized what Sam had done. Viki felt herself well up with love for Sam. She put her arm around Andy's shoulder.

"Sam's funny," Andy giggled.

"Yes, he is sweetheart. Yes he is," Viki agreed. She hugged Andy tightly.

Susannah was happy to see Andy enjoying himself. However, she was concerned. She knew that it was in Andy's nature to get over things faster than the others, but he seemed to have put everything he told them completely out of his mind. Susannah hoped the memories weren't already buried again. "Andy, how do you feel? Is anything bothering you?" Susannah asked.

"Uh-uh," Andy answered, shaking his head.

"He's been drinking a lot," Sam informed Susannah.

Susannah checked his flow chart. She noticed he had three apple juice cups and four cups of water just since he'd been back in his room. She also noticed that he hadn't voided since he'd been back. Susannah felt his head. It was cool. "Andy, do you feel extra thirsty today?" she inquired.

"Uh-huh," Andy nodded and then asked, "where's Timmy? Does he wanna come and play with me?"

"Has Timmy spoken to you?" Susannah asked.

Andy shook his head.

"Do you feel him wanting to come out?" Susannah posed.

"No, I just wondered," Andy replied sadly. They could tell he missed Timmy.

Susannah checked his legs for any signs of edema. She noticed no swelling. "Andy, I need to feel your tummy and listen to your lungs," Susannah told him gently.

"Will it hurt?" he asked fearfully.

"No, I just need to press on your tummy a little and I need for you to take some big deep breaths when I listen to your lungs," Susannah explained.

"Okay," Andy answered calmly.

There was no bloating and his lungs were clear. Connie's shift had started. She came in to do a feeding. Andy pulled back when she approached him with the supplement.

"Andy, what's wrong? You know this doesn't hurt. You will hardly feel it," Viki comforted.

"Can't I have more ice cream instead?" Andy tried to bargain with them.

"Andy, how about you sit quietly while Connie feeds you and then you can have ice cream afterward?" Susannah suggested.

"Okay. Can I watch the videos again?"

"Sure, pal." Sam put one of the Flintstones tapes back in. He was happy he had asked for the TV to be moved into Andy's room while Andy had to stay in bed.

Viki leaned back against the headboard. She gently pulled Andy back with her so that his head rested against her shoulder. About twenty minutes into the feeding Andy fell asleep. They didn't wake him for the ice cream. Viki carefully lowered him to the pillow. Dave came in to sit with him. Viki and Sam sat in the chairs outside of Todd's room.

"He seems fine," Sam observed.

"A little too fine, I'm afraid," Susannah stated. "I know Andy tends to get over things quickly. This is a little too quick for my comfort." Susannah hated to spoil the relief Sam and Viki were feeling. However, she needed to let them know what she thought.

"Do you think he repressed the memory?" Viki asked.

"Possibly. I won't know until he's ready for another session. He's already been through too much today. I don't want to question him now," Susannah answered.

"Why is he drinking so much?" Sam asked.

"It may be because his mouth is dry from the medications he's on. Sam, did he urinate at all since he's been back? It's not marked on the chart. I thought perhaps it might be an oversight."

"No. In fact I asked him if he had to go once I saw how much he was drinking. I was afraid he would fall asleep and wet the bed. You know how upset he gets when that happens. He said he didn't have to. Why? Did you notice something wrong?" Susannah heard great concern in Sam's voice.

"His output is not keeping up with his intake. I checked his legs and there is no sign of swelling. His lungs are clear. His stomach isn't bloated. I wouldn't be too concerned at this point. I wanted to let you know that I am planning on increasing the Zyprexa to 7.5 mg tomorrow and then to 10 mg two day's after that. Then, I want to keep him on ten for a while."

"What about the side effects some of them already seem to be having," Viki pointed out.

"Most of them are minor, so far. The only one that concerns me is the akathisia Thomas may have experienced. It may not have been that. Thomas is usually more hyper and jittery than the others and hates being cooped up more. That might account for his pacing and inability to sit still."

Susannah suggested Sam and Viki take this opportunity to go to dinner and she headed for her office. Susannah ordered a sandwich from the deli and sat back and listened to the tape of Andy's session.

Sam and Viki headed for a diner near the hospital. Once they had settled down and ordered Viki told Sam there was something she needed to discuss with him. "Sam, I know you saw that I was upset during Andy's session."

"I thought I would wait until you wanted to talk about it," Sam confessed. He wanted to make sure Viki understood why he hadn't asked her about it.

"The things Andy was saying triggered off some feelings of my own abuse. I was having an anxiety attack and needed to get out of there. Susannah came to see me in the lounge and she was able to get me to convert my feelings into memories." Sam took Viki's hand. "Sam, I remembered that . . .oh, this isn't easy," Viki said, smiling weakly.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready." Sam spoke gently as he looked into Viki's eyes.

"No. I want to. I just . . ." Viki sighed deeply. "Damn my father! Here I am, a woman of my age, and I still can't talk about these things." Viki took a deep breath. "My reaction to my father's abuse was the same as Andy's and I did the same thing Andy did, only I never got caught." Viki looked at Sam. She was looking for the slightest look of repulsion or condemnation in his eyes. To her relief, there was none. She saw only love, understanding and sadness for what she had been through. "Sam, Todd and I are truly cut from the same cloth. We are more alike than I ever dreamed. Even though we were separated from each other, our lives ran a parallel course. A part of me believes we make our own fate, but I also believe it was no coincidence that Todd came to Llanview and that our paths crossed. I believe we were always meant to be a part of each other's lives. Father's blood runs through both of us. I will hold onto his hand for as long as it takes and help him overcome it. In his own way, Todd is helping me. If it weren't for what Andy said I might never have remembered what I did. I might never have realized where these feelings I have stems from. Sam, I'm going to have some sessions with Susannah. I told her how things are between us and I also told her that is not how I want them to be."

"Viki, I want you to completely come to terms with what your father did to you and God alone knows I want to be able to love you in every way possible, but I hope you are doing this for yourself . . . because it is what you want and not because you want to make me happy. I know what agony therapy can be. If you are not ready, I don't want you doing it for me."

If Viki didn't remember why she started loving Sam, she did now. "Sam, I am doing if for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I can't tell Todd he has to be strong and do what he is afraid of if I can't do it myself. I want the burden of what Father did to me to be lifted from my back once and for all. I never followed through on that part of my therapy. I made an attempt with Doctor Maude. That didn't work out and I never pursued it again. I took the easy way out. Now it's time. I am going to take my life back 100 percent."

"You know that I will be there for you every step of the way," Sam offered.

"I'm counting on that, Sam. I really am," Viki stated.

*****

Dave was sitting by Todd's bedside, reading a Sports Illustrated, when Todd sat straight up. Todd was gasping for breath. Dave knew by the outstretched arms, trying to figure out if anyone was there, that it was Todd. He called to Dan. In turn, Dan alerted Connie and Marcia and headed toward Todd's bed. Susannah was called.

"Todd, it's Dave. You're safe buddy. You're in your own bed in your room."

Todd felt something he hadn't felt for a long time. "Viki!" Todd called out.

"Todd, Viki and Sam are having dinner. They should be back here any minute."

"Is Viki in the room?" Todd asked frantically.

"No. She and Sam are out having dinner. It's all right they'll be right back. Doctor Hanen is on her way," Dave informed Todd.

"No! I don't want her to see me. No!" Todd was disoriented. He wasn't sure if he was sitting or standing or lying down. He was starting to have that sensation of not being real. He also had another sensation that disturbed him greatly. He heard Dave's voice. He wasn't sure what direction he was coming from. He reached out until his hand made contact with Dave's arm.

"It's all right Todd, I'm right here. You're not alone. You're safe."

That was not what Todd wanted to hear. He wanted to be alone. He didn't want anyone being witness to his shame. "Go away! I don't want you in here."

"Todd, I'm sorry. I can't do that. Someone has to be in the room with you," Dave reminded him.

"I'm not doing anything wrong. Leave me alone!"

They could see that Todd was still having trouble catching his breath. "I know you didn't do anything wrong. We are here to keep you safe. Is there something that you need?"

"I need to be left alone!" Todd cried out.

"Relax buddy. We won't do anything to hurt you. We'll just be here in case you need us," Dan spoke soothingly.

Todd turned his back to the direction of their voice. He had no idea anyone else was in the room. He pushed down on himself. They realized what was happening and brought no attention to it. Carl came into the room. Dave motioned for him not to approach Todd.

Todd had a vague memory of the few seconds before he woke up. He felt as if someone were suffocating him and holding him down. As if they were not allowing him to breathe. He felt as if all these hands were all over his body . . . touching him . . . hurting him. He couldn't understand why this was happening to him. Although he felt like someone's hands were hurting him, he felt like he was the one who was doing something wrong. He knew he was going to be punished and he did not know for what. The erection he woke up with made him feel like he was bad, dirty and disgusting. He hoped that no one noticed. Todd felt the bed under him and felt for the pillows. He realized he was sitting up. He lay on his side and pushed on himself again. He drew his knees to his chest. He hated touching himself there. It had always made him uneasy, even when he went to the bathroom. He desperately wanted his erection to go away.

Now, in addition to still being short of breath, he started to tremble. Todd reached for the blankets and couldn't locate them. Dan did not want to startle him by handing the blankets to him suddenly. Quietly, Dan said, "Todd I can see you're cold. I'm just going to put the blankets over you, okay buddy?"

His voice surprised Todd not only because he forgot, for the minute, that others were in the room, but also because it sounded far away and distorted. Todd nodded. Dan pulled the sheet and both blankets up over Todd's shoulder. Todd was still trembling.

"I'll get some more blankets," Carl offered.

Susannah came into the room just as Carl was going out. He motioned for her to step out with him and he told her what was going on with Todd since he woke up. Susannah turned on her tape recorder. She rested it on the nightstand and approached the bed. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. I heard you were having some trouble breathing."

"Go away!" Todd cried.

"I know you want to be alone now, but I think it would be helpful if you told me what was bothering you."

"You and them and everyone. LEAVE ME ALONE!" Todd held on to one of the pillows. He was gasping for breath.

"Todd, I respect your wishes to be left alone, but it would not be safe for you. Someone has to be in the room with you. If you like I can stay with you. Or Connie can."

"What part of alone don't you understand?" Todd asked through clenched teeth.

Susannah couldn't help but smile. She was happy to be getting this kind of response from Todd. "I do understand you want some privacy and alone time. I know it's awful to have someone around you twenty-four hours a day." Susannah acknowledged his feelings. "It is our job to keep you safe and right now that means someone has to be with you. I need to listen to your lungs. Do you think you can sit up?"

"NO!" Even though his erection had gone down, he was afraid to sit up. He also wasn't sure which direction up would be. He wanted to tell Susannah how strange he felt. He was afraid to.

"Todd, Dave and Carl are going to help you sit up," Susannah informed him.

Todd began to panic. He couldn't bear the thought of them touching him. "NO! NO! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED. PLEASE! NO! PLEASE!" Todd screamed.

Susannah motioned them away from him. "Okay. No one will touch you. It's okay, if you don't want to be touched. We will respect that, but you have to stay safe and try to calm down and cooperate. I understand you don't want to sit up. Can you turn over on your right side a little more so I can listen to your lungs?"

"I can't breathe. What difference does it make?”

"That's why I need to see if your lungs are clear. Now, can you turn over by yourself or do you want me to help you?" Susannah asked firmly but tenderly.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

It was becoming harder for Todd to take a breath. Carl had told Susannah about the erection Todd had. She was certain his sudden fear of being touched had to do with that and that they both might have something to do with Andy's disclosure. "Todd, I won't touch you. I just need you to roll over a little more, come on."

Todd felt for the bed, he wasn't sure which direction was right or if he was still lying down. His arms and legs were starting to feel strange to him. The more frightened he became the more erratic his breathing became. Susannah noticed he was having trouble orienting himself to the position he was in. He finally managed to roll over enough to allow her to listen. His lungs were clear.

"Okay, Todd, you can turn back now." He rolled back over without as much trouble. "Can I put my fingers on your wrist?" Susannah asked.

Todd wrapped his arms around his torso. Susannah decided to get an apical pulse. "I need to listen to your heart rate with my stethoscope. I won't touch you, only the diaphragm of the stethoscope will. Okay?"

Todd nodded.

Susannah noticed he was starting to perspire and shiver at the same time. She knew he was going into a full-fledged anxiety attack. "Does your chest hurt?"

He nodded again. "I can't breathe," he whimpered.

Susannah listened to his heart. It was rapid, but regular. "Todd, you're having an anxiety attack. Let's see if we can get you calmed down without medication."

"I don't want drugs," he gasped.

"I know you don't, honey. Let's try to get you relaxed without them. We're going to try to slow down your breathing."

Todd turned his head away.

"Do you want me to get a paper bag?" Connie asked.

"Not yet. That will upset him even more," Susannah cautioned. She turned back to Todd. "Todd, listen to me. You need to slow down your breathing. I want you to hold your right nostril closed and breath slowly through the left."

Todd hesitated and then lifted his trembling right hand to his nose and held his right nostril closed.

Normally Susannah would have taken his hand and put it on her diaphragm so he could copy her breathing. Right now, she didn't want to touch him or ask him to touch her. "Todd listen to me breathe and copy the way I am doing it." Susannah started to take loud, slow breaths. After a few seconds Todd began to copy her rhythm. "That's good Todd. You're doing a great job. That's it. Breathe nice and slow. After a while, Todd's perspiring began ease slightly. He was still shivering.

Susannah looked at her watch. It was almost time for his second dose of Zyprexa. She knew if they tried to feed him now or administer the medication through the NG tube he would fight it and become fearful. "Hold off on the feeding and the medication for a while," Susannah whispered to Connie. "Are you feeling a little better?" Susannah asked Todd.

Todd nodded. He felt for the bed again. When he got his bearings he turned over on his side. He was still shivering.

Susannah reached for the blankets. They had become disheveled. "Todd, here are your blankets. Just reach out and a little to the left and you will feel them." She noticed he was hesitant about which way was left.

Once he seemed reasonably comfortable, Susannah sat down next to his bed. "Todd, do you know what triggered this anxiety attack?"

He shook his head.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Susannah posed.

"Maybe," he whispered.

"Tell me what you remember right before you woke up."

He pulled the blankets around him even tighter. His shivering increased. "Please, leave me alone," he begged.

It will help if you talk about it while it's still fresh in your mind. Do you remember what you felt as you woke up?" Susannah persisted.

Todd sighed. He knew she wasn't going to let it go. He wanted to get out of that room. He wanted to be on the street or walking by the docks. He wanted to feel the air on his face. Maybe then he would feel real again. He hated remembering the feeling he had when he first woke up. He was quiet for a few minutes. Susannah waited patiently. "Hands," Todd finally whispered.

"What about hands?" Susannah hated to force him to talk about this after all his body had gone through today. Yet she knew it was important for him to talk about it now.

"They were all over me. Hurting me." He suddenly wanted Viki. "Is Viki here?"

"No, Viki and Sam went to dinner. They will be back soon. Do you know who the hands belonged to?"

"I want Viki. I want to go to her."

"Todd, you know you can't do that. I promise, Viki and Sam will be right back. They are only down the street, at a diner. Viki and Sam were here all day and I insisted they go get something to eat."

"You just don't want to tell me the truth, that's all."

"What do you think I'm not telling you the truth about?" Susannah asked.

"Viki's never coming back. She left because she's disgusted with me. She hates me. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be with me either, if I didn't have to. I don't want to be here."

"I know you hate being in the hospital . . ."

"No!" Todd interrupted. "Here! . . . This world . . . this whole damn planet. I don't belong here. I never did. I'm not a part of it. I want out! If you and Sam and Viki really cared about me you would help me."

"Help you to die? Is that what you're asking?"

"Leave me alone. Just leave me alone!" Todd commanded.

Susannah noticed that his anxiety over Viki came just as she was asking about the feelings he had as he woke up. He replaced one anxiety that terrified him and that he didn't want to talk about with another, that while still frightening, he could cope with. "Todd you were telling me about feeling hands all over you. Do you remember who's hands they were?" Susannah redirected him back to talking about his dream.

"I don't know. They didn't belong to anyone. They were just hands. Okay, I don't want to talk anymore." Todd sat up and hugged his knees to his chest.

"Todd, will you answer one more question," Susannah tried.

Todd took a deep breath and nodded.

Susannah continued. "You said the hands were hurting you, did the hands also do anything that made you feel good?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE! I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE! I WANT VIKI!" Todd wanted to get away from Susannah. He wanted to get away from the voice that would not leave him alone. The feeling of being unreal became stronger.

"She'll leave you alone, Todd. Everyone will leave you alone. That's how you'll always end up. Alone! They all know what an evil, disgusting person you are. They just pretend to care about you. Just like they pretend to be who they say they are. They are no more real than you are," the voice taunted.

Susannah noticed Todd grow very pale.

The voice sounded like it was coming from Susannah's direction. Todd knew he had to get away from it. He jumped off the bed in the opposite direction of the voice. As soon as he did he felt like everything was spinning around him. Then nothing. Dave was quick and stopped Todd from falling. They got Todd back into bed. Susannah checked him out. His pressure had dropped. He was only out for a few minutes. Todd moaned slightly and opened his eyes. He reached out, so they knew it was still Todd. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're doing fine. Your blood pressure dropped because you stood up too quickly. You fainted, but you're okay now. Everything is all right."

"Can I have some water?" Todd whispered weakly.

"Sure,” Susannah handed him a cup of cold water. His hands were shaking so badly that it started to spill. "Here, let me help you." Susannah took the cup back and held it to his lips. Todd drank thirstily.

Todd had to urinate, badly. Even though his lower abdomen was becoming painful, he could not stand the thought of touching himself and certainly couldn't bear the thought of someone helping him. He knew that he wouldn't even be able to walk to the bathroom without someone holding on to him. He also feared they would want him use the bedside urinal. Tears formed in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. He hated that he could not stop himself from crying anymore.

"What is it Todd? You can tell me." Susannah told him gently. She continued to hold the cup to his lips.

Todd wanted to drink more but could only manage a couple of sips between sobs. "I can't do anything anymore. I can't see. I can't get up. I can't even take a drink by myself. I can't stop crying. I can't even go to the bathroom because someone has to help me walk. I hate this. Please! Make it stop. You say you're a doctor. Doctors are supposed to help people. Help me! Make me go away forever!" The tears were now pouring down his cheeks.

"Todd I am trying to help you. I know it's hard and painful. I also know how frustrating it is to be sick and not to be able to do things for yourself. You have been ill and your body has gotten a little weak. Honey, you'll get your strength back. I promise. The reason you can't control your emotions the way you used to is because you're depressed."

"Everyone gets sad that they don't all fall apart and go crazy," Todd cried.

"First of all, you are not crazy. Second of all, Todd, you are not just sad. You are depressed. That is an illness, like diabetes or asthma. There is an imbalance in certain chemical messengers in the brain. It isn't something you are doing to yourself or something that you can make go away on your own. It isn't anything you did and it is not in any way your fault. Being depressed makes it more difficult for you to control your emotions. That is why it is harder for you to keep from crying. It is not a sign of weakness. Todd you are ill, but you will get better. You are already getting better. Honey, you may not feel it, but you are getting better."

Todd was just about to say something when he started to look frightened again. Susannah could tell he was hearing a voice or voices. "She's lying to you! She doesn't want you to know how crazy you really are. You're not sick. You're weak and pathetic. You cry because you're a wimp. You can't keep from acting like a little girl. Look at you! You're disgusting. You liked what those hands did to you. Didn't you Todd? You must have. Why else would your cock have been hard? They all know how disgusting you are. Don't you know they've all gone away? That's not really Doctor Hanen. She's pretending. Viki and Sam are pretending too. The real ones hate you. They left you because you are a loser. Everyone leaves because you are a loser. You always will be and you will rot here for the rest of your life. Then I'll do what I want. I can hurt everyone you ever cared about. I'll start with Starr."

"NO! NOOO! Todd cried out and tried to get up again. This time Susannah stopped him. "NOOOO! GET AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Todd shrieked. He tried to pull away from Susannah's grasp.

"Todd you need to calm down and stay in bed. If you can't do that on your own then we will have to help you to do it." Susannah calmly informed him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY AWAY! YOU'RE NOT REAL. YOUR PRETENDING! OH GOD!"

They knew Todd was experiencing another psychotic episode. Susannah nodded to the staff. They understood what was needed. Connie, Carl, Dave, Dan, Marcia and Susannah quickly put Todd in a physical restraint.

Todd was feeling totally disconnected from his body. He started to get the feeling that his limps were misshapen and not his. He wanted the voice to stop, but it kept getting louder. He knew he needed to get to Starr before he hurt her. Susannah's voice was sounding distorted and far away. Todd fought them with all his might and continued to shriek. He was becoming short of breath.

'Damn it,’ Susannah thought to herself. She knew he was going to end up in mechanical restraints.

"Todd, you need some help calming down. Will you take some medication to help you?" Susannah once again tried in vain to offer medication by mouth.

"YOU WANT TO POISON ME! YOU WANT TO CONTROL MY BRAIN! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Todd screamed.

"If you can't take the medication by mouth you're going to have to get a shot to help you," Susannah gave it one final try.

"YOU WANT TO KILL ME SO I CAN'T HELP STARR. YOU'RE NOT REAL! WHERE'S DOCTOR HANEN? SHE'LL STOP YOU! THEY'LL PUT YOU IN JAIL. LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARDS! I HATE YOU! STARRRRRR! LET GO! I WON'T LET YOU HURT HER! I WANT THE REAL DOCTOR HANEN. I WANT SAM AND VIKI. THEY WON'T LET YOU HURT STARR. LET GOOOOOO!" Todd continued to struggle with them.

Susannah gave them the okay to set up the restraints. "He's been through too much today. I'm not going to play around here anymore," Susannah whispered to Connie. She ordered a strong sedative.

Sam and Viki knew something was wrong as soon as they approached the unit. Through the glass section of the doors they saw Nancy heading into Todd's room with the crisis bag the restraints were kept in. Both of their hearts were pounding as they waited to be buzzed onto the unit. They heard Todd's screams as soon as the door was opened. They ran to Todd's room. They saw the staff holding Todd down while Connie injected him with the sedative. They watched, helplessly, as the restraints were put in place. After a few minutes Todd's screams turned to low moans and then he was out.

Susannah shook her head in frustration. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sam and Viki standing there. She walked over to them. "I'm sorry. He had another psychotic episode."

Viki said nothing. Tears formed in her eyes.

"Was it the same as last time?" Sam inquired.

"Yeah. Can you two please wait for me outside? I want to examine him and then I'll be right out."

Viki and Sam nodded. They both took one more look at Todd before they headed to the lounge area.

As Susannah was listening to Todd's heart she noticed his pajama bottoms and the bed beneath him becoming wet. Once the sedation had kicked in his bladder released itself. From the volume of urine he was putting out, Susannah realized he and Andy must have been holding it back. Susannah checked Todd again. She saw he was in a very deep sleep. "Release the restraints long enough to clean him and the bed up and then put them back in place," Susannah ordered. Susannah stroked Todd's hair away from his face. "We'll get you better, honey. I swear to you Todd, we'll get you better." Susannah left Todd's room to speak with Viki and Sam. She knew that they would be upset. She wanted them to feel encouraged by the fact that Todd was able to communicate his feelings to Susannah tonight. He was also able to hear her and he listened to her explain to him why he was feeling the way he did. It may not have sunk in this time, but it was a start. It was a good start.

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT 1999 R/S