"He wanted his mama, didn't he? That's what set him off, isn't it. He wanted his mama and I wasn't here for him. Oh God, Sam, I wasn't here for him," Viki said, as tears poured down her cheeks.

Sam took her in his arms and held her.

"He also said he knew I wouldn't protect Starr, that I would let her go back to him, to the voice, and I would let him hurt her. God, Viki you think you failed him because you went home for a couple of hours? I failed him all his life. He's right. I didn't protect him. I did send him home. I sent him home to be beaten and burned and raped over and over and over again. I sent him home," Sam said, as he broke down in tears.
*********************************************************************************************************

Todd slept on and off for nearly forty-eight hours. The many revelations the alters had made took their toll on Todd's body. Susannah gave orders to allow him to sleep. He stirred occasionally. It seemed to be Todd, but they weren't sure. He was addressed as Todd. Susannah had removed the restraints after a few hours.

At one point Todd awoke during a feeding. He tried to push Terry's hand away as she instilled the Osmolyte in the tube. "Please, just let me die, please," Todd murmured softly.

Susannah was near his bed and held his hand down. He was far too weak to require restraints again.

"Shhhh, Todd, everything all right. Just relax." Susannah whispered to him. He fell back asleep.

Both Viki and Sam stayed with him through most of the day, and night, just going home to shower and change clothes. Viki brought back clothes with her. She would shower at the hospital. She did not even want to be away for the time a shower took. She vowed not to leave Todd again.

Susannah and Sam were worried about her. Logically, Viki knew that she could not be expected to be with Todd twenty-four hours a day, but her heart said something else. Viki remembered how she felt after Kevin had been in that fire. She was worried to death about him. This was different. None of her children had ever been as vulnerable as Todd.

Sometimes Viki herself would forget for the moment that Todd was her brother and not her child. Her heart just burst with love at the thought of him. She only wished he could feel and experience that love. The children allowed themselves to feel it, but not Todd. She knew he felt he didn't deserve love and no matter how many ways love was showed to him, he could not feel it.

The day after Todd and the others had been out, Kevin showed up. He was worried about Viki. She looked so tired.

"Kevin, Sweetheart, I'm sorry, I should have called you. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to see him. Todd was switching all day yesterday, and Susannah had sessions with several alters. Todd came out at the end of the day and became delusional. He was upset because I wasn't here and then one thing led to another. He thought one of the voices he hears was going to hurt Starr. He thought I would be gone forever. He was starting to hurt himself. Susannah had to restrain and sedated him."

"Is he still in restraints?" Kevin asked.

"No, he became very weak, it was all too much for him. He has been sleeping on his own. He can hardly lift his head. He doesn't need restraints."

"Mom, have you been here the whole time?"

"I've gone home to change," Viki said, defensively. She knew Kevin was worrying about her. "Mom, you look a little tired."

"Well, I am, just a little. Sam and I take turns sleeping in the lounge and we have a reclining chair in Todd's room that we can sleep in."

"Mom, I can stay with him if you or Sam want a break."

"Oh, Sweetheart, thank you, but, I don't think that would be a good idea. As I told you, Todd has been out and I think finding you with him would upset him. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you have worked out your feelings for Todd, but he has no knowledge of that. As far as Todd knows, you and he are far from friends."

"Maybe that should change?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean maybe someone should tell Todd that he can count on me. That I want to help him."

"Kevin, I don't know if Todd would believe that. You know how...."

"Paranoid he is, about me," Kevin stated, without sarcasm or anger. It was just a simple fact.

Seeing the look on Viki's face, Kevin added, "Mom, look, I know he had reason to be, to some extent. I know I was way off on the way I treated him during the whole Georgie mess. I guess I was out to get him. I know his feelings about that weren't paranoia. Mom, ever since I found out about Michelle I can't stop thinking about how I must have made him feel. Accusing him of Georgie's murder that way. That was really the catalyst for this whole thing, wasn't it? That was why he took us hostage. That was why he went to the cabana. That was why he broke. God, Mom, I'm so sorry. If I had it to do over again I never would have gone after him that way. I never would have....."

Viki could see Kevin was close to tears. "Kevin, I'm not going to tell you that being accused of killing Georgie didn't have an effect on Todd, but it wasn't just that. It was so many things. No one could have a life like Todd had and remain unscathed. Todd has really been 'breaking' his entire life. He was already severely damaged when he came to this town. I should have tried harder to persuade him to get help over the years." "What I don't understand is how all these alters could have been around and we didn't know?" Kevin asked.

"Kevin think about it. If we had been looking for it, we would have seen it. Todd's mood swings. The childish way he would act at times. The violence, then the goodness. His fear of intimacy. His inability to sustain a relationship with anyone except Starr. Oh, Kevin the list goes on and on."

"But how did he function, how did he live with it?"

"Kevin, you have to understand, Todd never knew any differently. This was something that has always been a part of his life. When he was very young he thought it happened to everyone. By the time he realized it didn't, he was too afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone. He learned to cover up. He covered up losing time. He covered up the times he heard voices. Many of the alters were dormant for long stretches at a time. The ones who were present became proficient at pretending to be Todd. People would notice little differences, I'm sure, as we had, but just wrote it off as Todd being Todd. Everyone, from Todd's grammar school . . . teachers, to the people who work for him at The Sun . . . everyone in Llanview knew Todd needed help. We all knew he had emotional problems. None of us knew how severe they were, or how ill Todd really was. Tea and Blair didn't even know and they lived with him.

''Sweetheart when you have DID, you became a master of covering up and making excuses. You can wake up to find yourself in a room of strangers, or in a strange city, and leave everyone thinking you never missed a beat. But inside, your heart is pounding. You are silently screaming out in terror. Kevin, you can't, and thank God you can't, imagine what that feels like."

"I can see why Todd is closest to your heart, of all 'your children,'" Kevin said, without the slightest bit of jealousy or resentment. "It's okay, Mom. He gets to you. I can understand that now. He gets to me too."

Viki hugged her oldest son and held him for several minutes. "I love you so much, and I am so proud of you,"

"I love you too, Mom. Is there anything I can get for you or Sam, or Todd?"

"No, Sweetheart. We're fine," Viki said, stroking his cheek.

Kevin looked at Viki as if he wanted to say more, but he just stood and started to leave. He turned back and asked, "Promise me you'll get some rest?" "

I promise," Viki answered, tears in her eyes.

By the morning of the third day since Todd had been restrained and sedated, he still showed no signs of being fully alert. His sleep had become more fitful and he was crying out more. He would wake for a while, but was not responsive to questions. He would appear to be aware of his surroundings for a few minutes, and then his eyes would become blank. It was as if every time he went inside his head something forced him back and every time he came back he tried to go away.

Susannah knew the part of him that wanted help and wanted the comfort of Viki and Sam was wrestling with the part that wanted to escape to Goodone's comfort.

Susannah asked Frank and Jeff to try to get Todd to the bathroom today to wash and dress him. Todd had been bathed in bed and put in a gown the past couple of days.

"Todd, Frank is going to help you wash in the bathroom this morning. Then he's going to get you dressed. I want you to sit in the chair. If you're up to it later we can go to my office."

Todd didn't respond, but he didn't resist either. Todd was too weak to stand on his own. Jeff and Frank helped him to stand while Nancy cleaned him up. Then they dressed him. Sam had gone home to change and to take care of some business. Viki stayed with Todd.

After Todd had been put in the chair Viki gently blotted his hair with the towel and brushed the tangles out. She spoke softly and soothingly to him as she worked.

"There's my handsome boy," Viki said, as she pushed his hair back behind his ears. She lifted his face towards hers and kissed his forehead.

Todd lifted his hand and put it on Viki's. "Mama, can I brush your hair later, after daddy leaves? You have such pretty hair."

Viki looked at him. It was Todd's voice, but, the question was more one that Timmy or one of the children would ask.

"Sweetheart, it's Viki."

There was no recognition in his eyes. They once again became blank. Terry came in for his morning feeding. She was always a little apprehensive during the feedings because they took about an hour and she never knew when Todd or one of the alters might start resisting.

"Okay Todd, I have your breakfast here. Just relax, you know this doesn't hurt."

Todd had been in his own world for about thirty minutes. Suddenly, he pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them.

"Todd, come on hon, you have to hold your head up," Terry said, lifting his head. As soon as she let go he buried his head again. Terry called Frank in. "

Okay, Todd, I'm going to help you hold your head up so we can continue your feeding, " Frank told Todd.

"No feed. I bad."

Viki, Terry and Frank looked at each other. This voice sounded very young, younger than Timmy. Terry called Susannah and told her she thought another alter had come out.

"Can you tell us your name?" Viki asked.

"No name."

"Can you tell us how old you are, hon?" Terry asked.

"Don't know," he answered as he played with his fingers.

Susannah came in. Terry filled her in on what he said so far.

"Hi, my name is Susannah Hanen. I'm your doctor. Do you have a name?"

"No. Don't know. I bad. No food. No toy. No mommy."

"Did someone take away your food and toys and your mommy?"

He nodded.

"Do you know Todd?"

"No."

"Do you know Timmy or Miss Perkins?"

He shook his head.

"Do you know Goodone or Carol?"

He shook his head again. This very young alter didn't seem to belong to any part of Todd's system that was known to them.

"Will you do something for me if I ask?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"Will you hold your head up so Terry can finish feeding you?"

He shook his head violently.

"No feed! I bad! I bad!"

"Honey, who told you're bad?"

"Dhe man."

"Your daddy?"

He shrugged his shoulder again. He then said, "No daddy. No mommy. No food. No toy. No cwothes. No banky. Cold. All cold." He then wrapped his arms around himself. Tears started to come to his eyes.

"Honey, what is it? What's the matter?" Susannah asked.

"No wawa. I want dwink."

"Frank, will you please bring me a cup of water?" Susannah asked. She handed him the cup and said, "Here's some water, Honey."

"No dwink! I bad. I pee. No dwink no more.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. You can drink. If you have to pee, we can take you to the bathroom."

"No! Door wock. Dark. Cold. No mommy. No mommy," he said, as tears started down his cheeks.

"What?"

They knew Todd was back.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're safe. You're in your room and you're sitting in a chair."

Todd reached out and called for Viki.

"Sweetheart, I'm right here." He felt Viki standing next to him and held her tightly, around the waist, his face pressed against her stomach.

Viki rubbed his back and said, "It's all right, Todd, It's all right. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you.

"Mama," Todd mouthed, over and over again. Then he suddenly let go of Viki. He had a stunned look on his face. "NO! NO! I don't want to be here. NOOOOO!" He screamed.

"Todd, Todd! Where are you? Where is it you don't want to be?" Susannah asked.

"Help me! Oh God! I don't want to be here. Help me!" He whimpered.

"Todd you have to tell us where you are so we can help you back. Where are you, Todd?"

"It's cold. It's dark. He then looked down, as if he was seeing his body. He covered himself with his hands. "I'm so thirsty," he said, hoarsely. Susannah held the cup of water to his lips but he wouldn't drink.

"I can't. I'm not supposed to. Mama doesn't know," he whispered.

"Mama doesn't know what?" Susannah asked.

"She doesn't know I'm here. She thinks they took me."

"Who does she think took you?"

"OOOOOOOH!" Todd screamed, "I felt it crawl on me."

"What crawled on you?"

"I want my clothes. I'm so cold." Todd started shaking and his teeth were chattering. Susannah grabbed a blanket from the bed and put it around him.

"Mama can't hear me. She doesn't know I'm here. I'll be here forever. It's dark. It's cold. I'm thirsty. NOOOOOO!" he screeched, throwing his head back.

He tried to stand up, but fell back down to the chair. He then pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them again. Susannah lifted his head up by the chin. His eyes were once again blank. She didn't try to get him back. She knew he had enough for now. Frank held Todd's head up and Terry completed the feeding. There was no resistance.

Frank stayed with him. Viki went to Susannah's office with her.

"That was Todd, wasn't it? That was Todd remembering being in a cold dark place?"

"Yes, I believe that was Todd," Susannah answered.

"The alter that was out right before him. He seemed to have spoken about the same place. Todd acted as if he were naked. He seemed to have the alter's memory," Viki stated.

"Yes, I know," Susannah said, a slight smile on her lips.

"What? Why are you smiling?" Viki asked.

"Viki, don't you realize what just happened?" Viki looked at her. "Todd made a connection to an alter's memory. He didn't have an actual memory of it, but he remembered pieces. For once he connected what he was feeling to fragments of a memory."

"That's good isn't it?" Viki asked, daring to bring a slight smile to her own face.

"Yes, that is good," Susannah said, taking Viki's hand. It is just a tiny step, and if I know Todd, he will take twenty steps backwards after this, but it is a step."

"What about that alter? He seemed very young, even younger than Timmy. I thought Todd's first split happened with Timmy?" Viki asked.

"I think this alter might be a fragmented alter. He doesn't seem to have a real identity. He may have split off because of the traumas they've been through," Susannah explained.

"But, you do think that the memory Todd was having was of being in the same place as the child we spoke with?"

"Oh, yes. I am reasonably sure about that. Our boy had a memory," Susannah said, smiling at Viki, and looking like a mother talking about her child's first words.

"I just can't understand how they could have vanished into thin air," Sam said to Tea, throwing the PI's report she handed him back on her desk.

"Sam, I don't either. Even if the police did suspect there was foul play involving the parents, they know they did nothing to their own daughter. Maybe they didn't run, maybe the grief was too much for them. Maybe they needed to be someplace that held no memories of Michelle," Tea said. "

I don't know, sometimes I think it's just as well. I know I don't want to have to be the one to tell them that their daughter was raped and murdered," Sam said, picking up the report again.

Sam noted that Joe Alexander, the PI they hired, interviewed the staff of the college where Michelle's father had taught and at the public school her mother had taught at. He interviewed the neighbors. All he discovered was that previous to moving to Chicago, the family had moved around quite a bit.

Before Chicago there was California. Before that, Boston, and before that, Nevada. The family had always kept a low profile and kept to themselves, but never caused any problems in any neighborhood they lived in.

Jack and Margaret Baker and their sons Jeff and Scott, just left Chicago one day in July of 1984. They left no forwarding address. They told no one where they were going. They both finished the terms they were teaching, but asked for no references. Neither their names nor their social security numbers showed up on any records again.

"Have you heard anything from Bo or from Bill Jackson?" Sam asked, Tea.

"No, the last I heard was what he told Bo about getting Evans to admit that he knew Todd was being abused."

"Susannah went to see Zack Rosen. He was a friend of Todd's from his frat days and he was one of the boys who raped Marty along with Todd. He and Todd were cell mates at Statesville as well."

Tea seemed surprised. She never heard Todd mention a Zack Rosen. "Did Susannah learn anything from him?"

"Yes, something potentially important. Todd once had a really bad nightmare when he lived at the frat house. Susannah thinks that Todd had probably dissociated and became Timmy or Andy or one of the other children for a few minutes. He mentioned a picnic, that his mother had taken him on a picnic."

"What does his mother taking him on a picnic have to do with Michelle?"

"Todd has these recurring nightmares about a being in the cold, about a loud noise and a red room."

"My God, Sam, the tape. Todd is dreaming about hearing Michelle being killed and her blood splashing on him and Peter keeping him out in the cold woods to bury the body."

"Exactly. None of us could ever figure out what the dream meant. Not until the lodge."

"Poor Todd," Tea said, shaking her head.

"Zack said that on this night, Todd was screaming and crying about the same things. A loud noise, a red room. But Todd cried about something else that night. He said something like, 'Not here. This is where Mama takes me for a picnic.' Susannah thinks that Peter might have taken Michelle's body to a wooded area that was at or near the picnic site Todd's mother used to take him to. If she can get Todd or one of the alters to remember where that was...."

"We might be closing in on where Michelle's body is buried," Tea said, finishing Sam's sentence.

"Has she tried to speak to them about it yet?" Tea asked.

"She got Timmy to talk about it, but he was not able to supply Susannah with much information. All he was able to tell her was that it was far away from their house, which at Timmy's age, could mean just a couple of blocks away, and that Barbara called it 'Our Paradise.' She hasn't been able to discuss it with any of the other alters yet."

"Has she tried mentioning it to Todd?" Tea asked.

"No, Todd has not been receptive to conversation or questions."

"Sam, you don't have to sugar coat Todd's condition to me. What's going on with him?"

"Tea, he's becoming more and more delusional. He hears the voices and they terrify him. The one Susannah thinks is called Saber, the one who sounds and acts like Peter, was taunting Todd about something happening to Starr. Todd ended up having to be heavily sedated and restrained, again."

"Oh Sam, no. It was that bad?" Tea asked.

"He was trying to smash his head into the floor. He is also very weak. Did Viki tell you about the latest alters to come out, the twins?"

"Braver and Scared, yes."

"Well yes, them too, but two little girl alters came out."

"Little girls?" Tea asked.

"Lisa and Sarah. They were 'born' the same day as Braver and Scared and possibly Goodone and Carol were created that day as well," Sam informed her.

"Viki didn't have a chance to go into any details with me. She said Scared and Braver had something to do with Todd's mother sending him back to Peter, after he found her at the that summer house."

"Yes. Has Todd ever spoken to you about that?"

"Once , and I could tell it was upsetting him, so we dropped it." Tea answered.

"He never spoke to me about it either. I think it was too traumatic for him to think about," Sam said.

"Todd must have been devastated to have been abandoned by Barbara for the second time," Tea acknowledged, as tears formed in her eyes.

"Enough for several alters to have come out in just one day," Sam confirmed.

"What are Lisa and Sarah like?" Tea asked.

Smiling, Sam said, "Actually, they're adorable. Lisa sees herself as a plain, thin, blond girl with sad brown eyes. She is extremely polite and a little bossy towards her sister. Sarah sees herself as a very pretty girl, a little chubby, with sparkling blue eyes. Sarah is much more outgoing and open in what she says, at least until Lisa scolds her about it. Tea, did you know how magnificently Todd can draw and paint?"

Tea shook her head. "Most of the alters draw well but these two . . . the girls are incredible. The portraits they drew and painted of themselves were amazing. I have known Todd most of his life and I never really knew him. I always knew he was bright, gifted and creative, but I never realized to what extent.

"The sad part of it is that Todd doesn't know that about himself. He has no idea. He has gone through his entire life thinking he is stupid and without talents. The only thing that he ever felt even the slightest bit of confidence in was running the newspaper. I wish I could just ask Peter why. Why did he set out to destroy this wonderful gift he was given? I know he was a sick and twisted man, but there had to be some inert evilness in him to have wanted to destroy every aspect of that child," Sam declared with a mixture of fury and sadness in his voice.

"Sam, are the girls as frightened to talk about the past as some of the others?"

"No, they don't seem to be. Actually, they gave Susannah many insights into what happened to Todd the day his mother sent him back to Peter. So did Scared and Braver. The one thing none of them would talk about is what happened to Todd after Peter got him back home."

Shivering, Tea said, "I don't even want to think about that. My God Sam, Todd must have been punished horribly for running away to his mother like that. She had to have known that would happen. How could she have sent him back there?"

"It seems the stepfather didn't want Todd around." Sam's tone was bitter.

"I wonder how Barbara could really have rationalized that Todd, this little boy, was stronger and braver than she was and could stand what she couldn't. How could she ever have believed that?"

"According to Sarah and Lisa, they were born as Todd was going on the plane. Earlier in the day he dissociated when she first told him she was sending him back. That's when Scared and Braver came out."

"Sam, you know I want to see Todd, but I'm afraid of upsetting him like I did on his birthday. I was grateful it was Timmy who was out the other day, when Bo and I were in the lounge with you."

"Tea, I do know, and I'm sorry to have to agree with you but it would be very upsetting to Todd if he were to come back and find you there. Tea, you do know it is because he loves you that he feels that way. He can't bear for you to see him like this. There is so much Todd is no longer aware of. So many things he's confused about. That is one thing that he remembers. He remembers how ashamed he feels for you to see him this way. You and Starr. I know he would sooner die than have either of you see him in this state."

"Sam I know that. I do. I just wish Todd didn't feel that way. Doesn't he know that his dignity comes shining through no matter how sick he becomes? Todd's inner strength is always there for the world to see. It breaks my heart to think that he is ashamed and embarrassed by his illness."

"Tea, I believe with all my heart that Todd will get well again, and when he does, hopefully, he will realize what it took to overcome the life he had. He will recognize the strength and fortitude he possesses to have survived at all. He will know that the brave and creative way he chose to survive was a good thing. I believe that ,Tea. The trick is keeping Todd alive long enough to get to that point."

"Sam, I didn't want to question Viki because I could tell she was distraught. Todd is deteriorating physically, isn't he?"

"Tea, he's weak. Sometimes when someone starts a downward slide, health wise, it's difficult to get them back. One thing leads to another. The body just becomes weaker. Susannah feels the feeding tube will help. At least it will keep his electrolytes up, providing the medication doesn't make him sick to his stomach again. Susannah has tried one antidepressant after another. He is also on an anxiolytic for anxiety more often than not. On top of that, he very often has to be heavily sedated. Susannah did mention the possibility of using an antipsychotic drug to help slow his switching and minimize the auditory hallucinations. The voices he hears, the alters, are pure torture for him. Some of them make his head hurt so much he can't tolerate it. Some are so loud . . . Tea when he hears them he is in agony."

"Well, then why doesn't she start him on the antipsychotic drug?" Tea asked.

"The side effects. They have terrible side effects. Even the newer class of them have the potential for just devastating side effects. The patient can develop blurred vision, drastic decreases in their white blood cells, worsening of his orthostatic hypotension. I mean, my God, he can hardly stand now without a dizzy spell. Then there can something called a dystonic reaction which is very painful, there can be even worsening stomach upset and the worst possible side effect, something called, tardive dyskinesia. It is like Parkinson's and it could be irreversible. So, he might have to be given an antiparkinsonian agent or some of those things on top of that drug and even that might not prevent it from happening. Susannah wants to avoid using an antipsychotic on him unless there is no other choice. Todd's body does not react well to most medications. Another problem is the alters tend to want to do things that Todd's body is too weak for. Some of them don't feel sick and they want to play. Some, like Thomas, become very angry when they can't. Also, every time Todd or one of the others relives a trauma it takes it's toll."

"Doctor Hanen must feel like she's in a no win situation. If she doesn't push Todd, he will never recover and if she does it could be too much of a strain for his body. If she doesn't medicate him enough he is suffering and hallucinating, if she does she could cause permanent damage to him or even kill him," Tea declared.

"There is no doubt that Susannah has to walk a fine line with Todd. I don't imagine, in her entire career, she has ever come up against a case like his. Viki and I have complete confidence in her. Not only because of her skills as a psychiatrist but because she loves Todd. She loves him as if he were her child."

"Can't that get in the way of her professionalism?" Tea asked.

"In most cases I would say so, but Susannah always puts the part of her that's Todd's doctor ahead of the part that feels maternal towards him and frankly Tea, Todd needs all the love he can get. I don't know if I would have as much faith in Susannah if she didn't love him."

"I was surprised to see Kevin at the hospital . . . more than that I was surprised to see Timmy's reaction to hearing Kevin was coming to see him," Tea admitted. She was still not sure Kevin could be trusted.

"Kevin has surprised all of us. He is so good with Timmy you would not believe it, and Timmy just adores him. He looks up to him like a big brother. Kevin is the only one who can get Timmy to eat more that a couple of bites. He is so patient with him. He turns everything into a game for him."

"Is it just Timmy or all the alters?" Tea asked.

"Well so far just Timmy."

"Sam, are you really sure you can trust him? Are you sure he doesn't have some ulterior motive for being nice to him?"

"I thought that at first, but no, I'm sure. You saw how devastated Kevin was when Jimmy came out and he thought he had done something to hurt Timmy. You saw his reaction when he found out about Jimmy seeing Todd's mother before she died. And I'll tell you . . . Kevin was the only one able to keep Timmy calm when they took him down for the endoscopy and the feeding tube. No, I'd say Kevin has definitely changed."

"Viki must be happy. I know how much his attitude toward Todd hurt her."

"It has relieved Viki's mind considerably. She hated having her son estranged from her that way, not to mention having him at odds with the brother she loves so much. Well, I'd better be getting back. Todd was in a pretty bad way when I left."

"God, Sam, his therapy seems to be going nowhere. It seems that all Doctor Hanen can do for him is keep him alive. I didn't mean that the way it sounded I . . ."

"I know what you mean. He hasn't seemed to make much progress with the DID since he was admitted," Sam sighed deeply and continued, "from everything I've read about DID and from what Susannah has said it could take years for a case like Todd's to show progress."

"Sam, does Todd have years? And what about you and Viki? This is taking it's toll on all of you. It isn't only Todd's mental illness, but his physical ones as well. How much more can any of you take?"

Sam looked closely at Tea and said, "I can see in your eyes that it isn't only us. Tea, it's all right to talk about how you feel about Todd's illness."

Tea, looked at him for a minute and burst into tears. "I hate it! Oh God Sam, I hate what has happened to Todd. I hate what Peter and Barbara did to him. I hate knowing how close we could be to losing him, if not to death than to his going away and never coming back. I hate knowing how he's suffering and knowing how all those sweet children are suffering. I hate the fact that Blair has cut me out of Starr's life and I don't get to see my little girl anymore. Most of all, I hate not having my husband. I could never have imagined how much I would miss Todd. I'm relieved that Blair took the penthouse. I couldn't stand being there without Todd. The memories would kill me.

"I remember one of the first times Todd and I really spoke. I remember telling him what it felt like to be the janitor's daughter. How those other kids, those snotty little bastards I went to school with made me feel. He understood Sam. He was the first one who really understood. My own family didn't understand. They thought I was ashamed of who I was. But Todd understood and didn't think I was terrible for feeling that way. He knew what it felt like to have to prove yourself to people. Sometimes Todd would go for days without saying much. He didn't have to. I always knew in some ways he understood me better than anyone. My brother Del tried to understand me, so did my father, but they never could. Not about that, not like Todd. Do you know Del grew to have a grudging respect for Todd. He's back with the NYPD now. He just got his gold shield. He asks about Todd. I've only told him that Todd was in the hospital.

"Sam, I hate this illness that Todd has. I know I shouldn't because it saved Todd's life, but it also took him away from me, away from his daughter and his life. Sometimes, I have dreams that he is okay and we're out walking together or sitting in the penthouse playing Money Hungry. "Sometimes," Tea remembered with a slight laugh in her voice, "I even have dreams of us sitting in a restaurant. I dream about watching Todd eat and I wake up with a smile on my face. Then in a second or two reality hits and I remember where Todd is and how he is and I just want to rage and scream and curse Peter and Barbara and God. Oh Sam, how could He have let them hurt him so? What kind of world allows a child to be hurt like that? What kind of world, Sam?" Tea dissolved into tears again.

Sam took Tea in his arms and stroked her head. "I know, Tea, I know."

Todd was still in his safe world when Sam returned. Viki told him about Todd's memory.

"You think that was actually Todd talking about such a traumatic incident from his past?" he asked.

"Yes, and Susannah thought so too. We don't know who the alter or fragmented alter was. He seemed even younger than Timmy. He told about being locked, naked, somewhere. Somewhere cold and dark where he felt something crawl on him."

"The storage shed?" Sam asked.

"It sounds like it but we're not sure. He wasn't allowed to drink because it would make him urinate. He said, something about 'Mama doesn't know I'm here. She thinks they took me.' We have no idea what he meant by that."

"Has he been like this all day?" Sam inquired looking over at Todd, who was still sitting in the chair, his knees drawn and his head tucked.

"Yeah. He hasn't moved on his own since he spoke with us."

"But, you say Susannah seemed encouraged by the fact that it seemed to be Todd who remembered what that alter spoke of?"

"She seemed very encouraged." Todd had not moved a muscle on his own in nearly eight hours. Terry and then Connie had given him his feedings while one of the techs held his head up. Todd didn't make a sound and his eyes stayed blank. At the end of the day, his pajamas were put on and he was put to bed. He immediately pulled his knees back up and once again tucked his head. They wondered how his body was able to maintain that position for so long. He was given his evening meds. Then, finally, for the first time in hours his eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Viki insisted on being the one to stay the night since it was still Todd who was out, as far as they could tell. Viki was asleep in the reclining chair next to Todd's bed. She was awakened by the sound of a commotion in the hallway. She immediately started to look at Todd and to her horror his bed was empty. She jumped up. Her heart was pounding. She ran into the hallway.

"Todd" was at the doors to the unit, on the floor, being restrained by six staff members. Some were from another unit and Viki didn't recognize them. Someone must have called a code and Viki hadn't heard it. Connie was filling a syringe in the medication room.

"NO! LET GO OF ME YOU BASTARDS! GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF OF ME! I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WASN'T ME! I HATE YOU! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KEEP ME HERE. I DIDN'T DO IT!"

As Connie approached him with the medication he tried even harder to free himself from their hold on him.

"NO! NO! NO DRUGS! I DON'T WANT IT! GET THAT AWAY FROM ME, YOU BITCH!" He tried kicking out at them but his legs were being firmly held down. "WHAT DID YOU TO ME? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MEEEEE!" he screamed.

He realized how weak he felt. He had barely made it to the doors before he felt his legs buckle. It was only his rage that pumped adrenaline through him that gave him the strength his body lacked. He knew something had happened to Todd's body. He never felt like this before. He knew he should have no trouble at all getting away from these clowns but now they were easily able to hold him still.

As Connie came closer he screamed, "ARE YOU DEAF, BITCH? I SAID NO DRUGS! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT! GET AWAY!"

He continued to scream and continued to try to free himself. Connie quickly injected the sedative.

"NOOOO! I SAID I DON'T WANT DRUGS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

"I hated to do it at this hour, but I called Doctor Hanen," Connie told Viki. Viki didn't even hear her, she just stared at the scene in front of her. She knew that he had to be restrained for his own good and the damage his outburst could do to Todd's body. She knew that voice. She knew, as did the staff, that Pete had come back.

TO BE CONTINUED

COPYRIGHT 1999/RS

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COPYRIGHT 1998 R/S

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