"I know," Téa agreed. "Most of them only know one side of him. Do you know that Carlotta told me that Todd set up a fund for her adopted son Eli. He is in college now thanks to Todd. It's Todd's money that has allowed Eli to follow his drug protocol all this time. Once Eli realized that he was worth caring about and that someone thought his life was worth investing in it turned his life around. He started to behave and to do well in school. He wants to be a doctor. He wants to help kids with HIV.

"Physically, he's doing great, thanks to the protease inhibitors and nucleoside analogues that Todd has been paying for. Todd asked Carlotta not to tell anyone about this, but she thought I should know. Todd also started a fund for children with Aplastic Anemia whose parents have no insurance and can't afford bone marrow transplants. I didn't know about any of this until I started going over some of his papers," Téa filled them in.

"Todd didn't care if the whole world knew about the bad things he did, yet he kept the good ones a secret. It was as if he couldn't stand for anyone to see him in anyway except the distorted image of himself that Peter ingrained in him," Sam added.

"How is Todd doing? He was pretty upset the day I saw him," Bo remembered.

"Yes, that was Jimmy," Sam confirmed.

"He's the suicidal alter, the one who finds touch painful?" Bo asked.

"Yeah, the two things Jimmy wants most in the world are to die and to be with his mother," Sam answered.

"Is he okay now?" Bo was genuinely concerned.

"They put the feeding tube back in him yesterday. If he doesn't start eating more on his own a more permanent one will have to be surgically put in his stomach," Sam said painfully.

"He can still eat normally, even with the tube?" Bo was curious.

"Yeah, the problem is Todd and most of the others suffer from varying degrees of depression and have no appetite. Susannah also thinks that Todd may be feel so completely out of control that he needs to control the one thing he can and that's eating. She says it's fairly common for some DID patients to be anorexic or to have alters who are. Todd needs more calories and nutrients than he or the alters are able or willing to consume to keep them alive," Sam explained and sighed dishearteningly.

Bo shook his head and said, "Bill is going to be coming to Llanview next week. He wants to meet with Susannah."

"I'll tell her," Sam volunteered.

"Did he say anything about going to the DA?" Tea asked.

"No and I didn't ask. I'm sure he will let us know before he plans on seeing Steve Harris," Bo stated.

"Maybe we will have the proof we need that Todd didn't do it before that?" Téa sounded hopeful.

"They will have to find Michelle's body before they can try to determine if a boy Todd's size could have caused the kind of wound that killed her," Bo made sure to point out. He didn't want them getting their hopes up only to be disappointed.

Téa and Sam thanked Bo.

"I'll call you as soon as I hear anything else. You take care of that boy," Bo called out as they left.

"We're trying to Bo, we're trying to," Sam called back. Kevin spent most of the afternoon with Timmy. They managed to get some mashed potatoes and custard into him using his special plate and bowl. The trick was trying to anticipate how long it would take him to eat something and then setting the timer so that the birds would sing when he was just about finished. Kevin showed Timmy how to play with his Mr. Potato Head toy and then put together a puzzle with him. The excitement of the day left Timmy exhausted. Kevin noticed that Timmy was starting to lean into him as they sat on the floor looking for the pieces of the, "A Day At The Playground," puzzle that they needed. He knew Timmy needed to lie down and sleep.

"Hey Timmy, I'm getting a little tired. Why don't we go sit on your bed and we can read something?" Kevin suggested.

"Okay," Timmy agreed sleepily. Timmy snuggled next to Kevin and rested his head on his shoulder.

Kevin did not even get passed the second page of the "Baby Farm Animals" book he was reading with Timmy before Timmy's eyes closed and he fell asleep. Kevin was not sure how to move without disturbing him. Susannah carefully lifted Timmy's head off of Kevin's shoulder and laid him down. She pulled the covers up over him.

"I've had a lot of practice by now," Susannah admitted, smiling, when she noticed that Kevin marveled at the way she did that.

"Timmy likes to cuddle up to people he loves," she added.

Viki and Susannah both thanked Kevin again for finding the special plate and bowl set. They all hoped it would encourage Timmy and perhaps some of the other children to eat. Before Kevin left Susannah and Viki told him about Braver and Scared.

"Kevin, did you ever hear Todd mention anything about his stepfather or the summer house he owned in upstate New York?" Susannah inquired.

Thinking back for a minute, Kevin suddenly remembered once incident when Todd did talk about it. "I remember one time at frat house. Zack and I were in Todd's room with him. Todd had been drinking a lot. We were talking about great summer vacations that we had. I was telling them about going to dad's ranch in Arizona. Todd started talking about going to a place where he spent the best six days of his life. He said, and I remember this because it seemed like such an odd thing to say, 'I remembered almost the whole six days. Six days and I almost remembered it all.' Then his voice got kind of soft and sad and he said, 'He hated me too.' I remember asking him who 'he' was but he had already passed out from all the booze. I never even thought about that until just now. Do you think he switched while he was talking to us?" Kevin wondered out loud.

"It sounds like he might have," Susannah guessed and then asked. "Kevin can you do me a favor? Over the next few days can you try to think about any other times Todd may have mentioned things about his past, especially if he was drunk and some of his inhibitions were down."

"Sure, I'll try but do you know who you really should be talking to, Zack Rosen. He was much closer to Todd than either Powell or I. Also, they shared a cell for a while. Todd may have confided things to Zack that he never would have said to me or to Powell."

"Is Zack still in Statesville?" Susannah asked Kevin.

"Yeah, he got some extra time for being involved with a group that was selling drugs to other prisoners. I hear he's a model prisoner now though. Are you really planning on going to see Zack?"

"I'm not sure. I just might." Susannah replied.

Sam came back and told Viki and Susannah the good new about Doctor Evans and about Bo's theory that a child of Todd's size could not have caused the injury to the skull that Michelle sustained. For the time being they all dared to feel a little hopeful. They told Sam what Kevin told them about Todd and that Susannah was thinking of going to Statesville to talk with Zack Rosen. Sam thought it was worth a shot. He was touched when Viki showed him the plate and bowl set Kevin bought and was grateful that Timmy was willing to eat, just to see the birds at the bottom and hear them sing.

Connie called Susannah's office to tell her that Todd had come back and as usual he was in a state of panic because Viki and Sam weren't there. Dave, Carl, Connie and Rob, a new tech Susannah hired, were restraining him on the bed when Viki, Sam and Susannah rushed into the room.

"He discovered the feeding tube and tried to pull it out. Do you want him in restraints?" Connie asked.

"GET AWAY FROM ME! STOOOOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! VIKI! VIKI! SAAAAAM!" Todd was shrieking.

"Todd, we're right here pal," Sam comforted him.

"Sweetheart we were just in Doctor Hanen's office. We would never go far. Todd, it's Viki. We're right here with you."

"Viki?" Todd asked. His voice was weak. He was calming down. "Viki, is it really you?"

Viki motioned for them to let go of Todd. They looked to Susannah for instructions. She nodded. Viki stroked Todd's head and said, "Yes sweetheart, it's really me."

Todd sat up and reached for Viki and hugged her so tightly she could hardly breath. "I thought you were mad at me again," Todd whispered.

Todd, I was never angry with you," Viki said soothingly and began to rub his back.

"Yes you were. That's why you left. I did something wrong and you left. I was so scared. I didn't want to be left all alone with him. I wanted to find you but he wouldn't let me. Mama, what did I do? Tell me so I won't do it again. Mama please tell me. I don't want you to leave me in the dark. I'm so scared. Mama please! Tell me what I did." Tears were now pouring down Todd's face as he continued to beg "mama" to tell him what he did to make her leave him the way she did.

Viki's heart was breaking. She looked at Susannah helplessly, not knowing how to answer Todd.

"Todd," Susannah spoke gently, "Viki is holding you, not Mama. You didn't do anything to make Mama leave. She left because of your father. She didn't leave you. She left him.

Todd looked so confused it just tore their hearts out. Todd face then scrunched up in agony. He reached up and covered his ears. "MAKE IT STOP! THEY'RE SCREAMING! IT'S TOO LOUD! IT'S TOO LOUD! OH GOD! STOOOOP!"

Susannah pulled his hands away from his ears and asked. "What are you hearing? Todd tell me. It's all right. Tell me what you're hearing."

Todd pulled up his knees and hugged them to his chest, and started rocking. "If it could just be quiet, if it could just be quiet," he whispered to himself over and over again.

Susannah held onto his hands. They were freezing cold. "Todd I want you to stay here with us. I don't want you to go away. Listen to my voice Todd. Try to hold on to my voice. Don't let yourself go away. Fight it."

"My head hurts!"

"I know it does," Susannah acknowledged.

"They're screaming at me and someone is crying. OOOOOH! IT'S GETTING LOUDER AGAIN! PLEEEEASE MAKE IT STOP! PLEEEEESE! MY HEAD HURTS SO MUCH. MAKE IT STOOOOP! OOOOOH! OOOOOH! PLEASE! I CAN'T STAND IT. IT'S SO LOUD. IT HURTS SO MUCH. VIKI, SAM HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP HURTING. MAKE IT QUIET! PLEASE! MAMA PLEASE. MAKE IT STOOOOP!" Todd was shrieking even louder than before.

"Susannah please! Do something. Help him!" Viki begged.

"Todd, I want you to try to slow your breathing down and relax your body" Susannah prompted.

"IT HURTS! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THEM STOP SCREAMING AT ME. OOOOOH! IT HURTS SO MUCH. MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOOOOOP!"

"Todd, I want you to try to take some deep breaths. Listen to me breath and try to copy my breathing." Susannah took some slow deep breaths.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE SUSANNAH! HE'S IN AGONY. GIVE HIM SOMETHING OR LET HIM GO AWAY!" Sam shouted at her.

Todd started to bang his head into his knees.

"Todd stop, shhhh." Susannah put her right hand on his forehead and her left on the back of his head.

Todd reached up and tried to pull her hands away.

"Sam, hold him. Just let him feel himself in your arms," Susannah instructed.

Sam sat on the bed and took Todd into his arms and held on tightly. "It's Sam, Todd. It's Sam. I gotcha pal. No one's gonna hurt you. I've got you. You're safe. I love you so much Boomer. Shhhh, I've got you."

Sam could feel Todd's muscles relaxing slightly. Todd rested his head on Sam's shoulder and cried softly, "They make my head hurt so much, Sam. They shout at me. It's never quiet. They hate me."

"Noooo Boomer. Shhhhh, no one hates you," Sam soothed.

Todd felt so weak and sleepy he couldn't even continue to hold on Sam. His arms dropped to his side. "Don't let them come back Sam. Please, don't let them come back," Todd pleaded softly.

Sam laid Todd down, "No, don't leave me," Todd begged. His voice was so weak it was barely audible.

"I'm not leaving, Boomer," Sam promised. He took Todd's hand.

"It was my fault, Sam. He told me. It was my fault that Mama left," Todd whispered.

"Who told you it was your fault?" Sam pressed.

"My father. He's here, Sam. He just told me. He's here," Todd whimpered and fell asleep.

Susannah took his vitals and listened to his heart. "He's okay," she confirmed.

"No Susannah. He's not okay! He's not okay at all," Viki protested bitterly.

"Let's go outside," Susannah suggested. She motioned them away from Todd's bed. Rob and Dave came in to sit with him.

"How could you let him suffer like that?" Viki asked angrily the minute they were outside Todd's room.

"Susannah, this episode was one of the worst he's ever had. I think it was cruel to get him to stay. Why didn't you sedated him?" Sam couldn't understand.

"I know how hard that had to be for you both to watch, bu . . ."

"For us! To hell with us! How hard was that for him. He was in excruciating pain. The voices were terrorizing him." Sam yelled in exasperation.

"I could add an antipsychotic to his medication and that might help with the voices and switching. I really don't want to do that unless it becomes absolutely necessary. There can be unpleasant side effects. There is a new class of them on the market but the long term side effects of them have not been established, however the side effects are much usually severe."

Viki calmed down a little and thought about what Susannah just told them.

"Todd is already on so much medication that he can hardly function," Viki turned to Sam and stated. She then turned to Susannah. "I'm sorry. I know you are doing what you think is best for Todd. Oh God, to stand there and watch your child suffer so and hear him beg you to help him and to know there is nothing you can do to stop his pain is unbearable."

"So why not just let him go inside when this happens? Why did you force him to stay out?" Sam was calmer but still upset.

"If Todd had truly needed to escape there would have been nothing I could have done or said to stop him. A part of him wanted to deal with what was happening. That was the part that latched on to my voice and kept Todd here," Susannah explained.

"Why do you think he is suddenly so convinced that Pete is alive? Do you think it's because of that alter. The one who hates him so," Viki asked.

"I do believe the Peter voice Todd hears is that alter. Todd needs to be out more. I need him to tell me what's going on with him." Susannah pushed on. "I know this is not what you want to hear now. I scheduled another session with Ryan for tomorrow."

"Susannah, I realize how important it is for Todd to have sessions with you and with Ryan but he is so weak now, physically and so emotionally fragile. Can't it wait until he's had the chance to build up a little," Viki pressed.

"Viki, we walk a tightrope with Todd. He's severely depressed and terrified, so he doesn't eat or want to participate in anything. He becomes more and more withdrawn. He's regressing to childlike behavior at times. His mental state contributes to his physical one. He becomes too weak and sick to participate in therapy. Todd is going in a circle. I don't believe we are doing him any favor when we just let him be. Right now Todd would like to go so far inside himself that he might never find his way back. We've learned that Todd is happy inside. He is safe and comforted. He is free from pain and terror. That's good, up to a point. Todd needs that. It's what's helping him survive. Unfortunately it also makes staying in his hiding place more seductive."

"How the hell are we supposed to compete with that? How can we offer him what Goodone does," Sam asked in desperation.

"Todd needs to learn to feel as safe and secure and loved in our world as he does when he's with Goodone. He needs to feel that safety from you and Viki and from Tea and eventually from himself. The way Goodone hugs and holds him and the words he says to comfort Todd when he's hiding are the ones we have to give Todd and then teach him to give himself. They all need to learn that, first individually and then as part of Todd. If we could get Todd to listen to the voices, without the fear and without fighting them, we could be a step closer to him getting to know those parts of himself that he has split off," Susannah explained.

"Now, even the mere mention of the alters sets him off," Sam declared.

"In all this time, he doesn't even know their names. He refuses to hear about them or he dissociates if you try to discuss it with him," Viki pointed out in frustration.

"Yes, I know. Todd has been and probably still is totally resistant to any discussion of the alters or his having DID or being depressed. That is why we need to get back to regular therapy sessions and why it is so important for Todd to be the one who is out for them. If I try to discuss it with him and he goes away I will try to get him back. If I can't, then I will try again next time and the time after that," Susannah made her intent clear.

"You make it sound as if it's a battle of wills. Todd is not deliberately going away," Sam protested.

"I know he's not. Nevertheless, in a sense it is a battle of wills. It's our determination to help Todd versus the damage that Peter and Barbara did to him. I can tell you both, I will not let them win. I will not allow what they did to him to destroy him forever. I have always said Todd is a fighter. He has an amazingly strong will, but so do I. The Peter personality and any others like him that are in there can try to drag Todd inside forever, but I will hold on to him with all my might and pull him back, and I know both of you will too." Sam and Viki looked into Susannah's eyes and saw her determination to save their child.

Susannah turned to Sam and asked, "Will I need special permission to speak to a prisoner at Statesville?"

"No, I don't think so. If the prisoner is willing to speak with you, there shouldn't be a problem. Does this have something to do with Todd?" Sam wanted to know.

Viki and Susannah explained to Sam what Kevin told them about Zack Rosen.

"Do you really think Zack will have any useful information?" Sam asked.

"Sam, at this point I'm willing to try almost anything. I'll talk to the devil himself if I thought it would help Todd," Susannah declared adamantly.

"I'm sorry I was so short with you before," Sam apologized.

"We know it must tear you apart too to see Todd suffer like that," Viki added.

"My sympathy isn't going to help Todd," Susannah stated plainly, "Maybe my determination will. I'm going to call Bo and see if he can set up a meeting with Mr. Zach Rosen."

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