Pete spoke these words in such a frenzy and with such fury that Susannah knew his rage towards Todd had been building up for a very long time. She realized, for all his fierceness, Pete viewed the world as a fourteen year old. And like most children that age, he felt invincible. He believed no matter what he did, he wouldn't die. She felt genuine concern for Todd's safety at the hands of Pete.

"Pete, I have to tell you that there is no question that if Todd dies so will you and all the others," Susannah stated firmly.

Yeah, well, Jimmy doesn't believe that either. You just want us to think that to protect Todd."

"Jimmy does not want to hurt Todd. Jimmy wants to make his own pain go away. Are you in pain is that why you want to die?" Susannah pressed.

*************************************************************************************************************

Before Susannah had even finished bandaging Pete's hand, Miss Perkins had come out. Susannah realized that for all his violence and rage, for all his "Peter Manning" persona, Pete was as much a frightened child as the rest of them. He was not afraid of pain or of being physically or sexually abused because he knew he could escape that anytime he wanted to. He was afraid of his emotions. He didn't want to have any. He wanted to shut off what he felt emotionally as easily as he was able to shut off what he felt physically, but he couldn't and it terrified him.

Pete saw the others allowing themselves to be cared about and loved by Sam and Viki and Susannah and, although he told himself that he neither wanted nor needed that, he desperately longed for it, and the more he did, the angrier he became. Angry with those who stirred up these feelings in him, and angrier with himself for feeling that way. Unlike Todd though, Pete turned his anger at himself onto others, including Todd.

Susannah knew she had to find a way to get Pete to feel safe enough to talk about the night he came out. She had her suspicions that Pete, like the others had been inside Todd for quite some time before he came out, but something happened to Todd to bring Pete front and center, and Susannah just knew that "that something" happened to Todd the night of his fourteenth birthday.

Susannah was glad that it was Todd who came in for his session the next day.

"What happened to my hand?" Todd asked.

"You put it through the wall," Susannah answered, pointing to the still to be repaired wall. As Todd looked at the damage he had done to the wall Susannah could see he was frightened and ashamed.

"I'm sorry. Are you all right? Did I hurt you?" Todd looked away from Susannah as he asked this.

"No, not at all. You hit the wall so you wouldn't hurt me. You chose to hurt yourself before you would hurt me," Susannah assured him.

Todd went to his spot by the window and stood there silently for several minutes. "Todd, have there have been times when you woke up to find out you hurt someone?"

"Yeah," Todd mumbled, slightly nodding his head yes.

"How did it make you feel?" Susannah asked.

"Like I wanted to die,"

"What part of it most made you feel like you wanted to die?" Todd looked puzzled. Susannah clarified her question. "Were you upset because someone had been hurt or because you had no control of the what had happened or because you woke up to find yourself in trouble?"

Todd thought for a minute. "All of it, I guess. I hate when I don't know what's going on."

"Does it feel worse to wake up and find out you've hurt someone when you don't remember doing it than it feels to know you've hurt someone?"

"I-I-I don't know. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Everyone's safe from me now. I'm locked away. No one has to be afraid that I'll hurt them anymore."

Todd rested his forehead against the cool glass. "Do you feel some relief knowing that you can't hurt anyone while you're here?" Todd laughed a sad laugh at Susannah's question. "I'll bet the whole town does. Maybe the whole world."

"Did you ever want to tell the people you hurt that you didn't remember hurting them?" Susannah asked gently.

"No," Todd answered flatly.

"Was that because you didn't want anyone to know you lost time?"

Shrugging, Todd answered, "I guess that was the main reason, but also, what difference did it make? They got just as hurt if I remembered doing it or not."

"Did you ever think you might have killed Georgie Phillips?" Susannah could see Todd's shoulders hunch and his entire body stiffen at the mention of Georgie.

"No! I knew I didn't hurt Georgie. No matter what! I knew I would never have hurt Georgie, not like that!"

"Yet you never doubted that you hurt some other people when you didn't remember," Susannah stated.

"They said I did," Todd answered in a childlike fashion.

"So if someone says you did something you automatically believe them, without question?"

"They're usually right," Todd answered, staring out the window.

"Did Tea ever say you did things to hurt her?"

"I know I did," Todd answered.

"How do you know that more specifically then with the others?"

"Because I remember most of what I did to Tea. I saw what I did."

"When? When did you see it?" Susannah asked.

"I woke up in the garden shed behind Llanfair. I saw that I hurt Tea," Todd acknowledged, as tears sprung to his eyes."

"What did you do?" Susannah softly inquired. "I picked her up and put her on a lounge chair."

"And then what did you do?"

"I don't remember. I think I went away again. Then I tied her up." The tears found their way down Todd's cheeks.

Susannah saw that he was still holding himself together. She continued. "Why did you tie her up?"

Todd became visibly uncomfortable. "I didn't want her to run to the cops," he answered quickly and without emotion.

"Is that the only reason?" Susannah pressed. Todd was quiet for a few minutes. Susannah waited, patiently, for him to respond.

"I didn't want her to leave me," Todd whispered, "She would have walked out on me if I didn't keep her there." Then, before Susannah had a chance to explore the last thing Todd said, he added. "I was afraid they would hurt her."

"You were afraid who would hurt her" Susannah pressed for more.

Susannah saw Todd was starting to shiver. "Them. The voices. I was afraid they would hurt her. One of them said he would."

"Did he say why?" Susannah asked him.

"He said she was going to betray me. He said she really didn't care about me and she was going to leave forever." Todd's breathing quickened. Susannah gave him a minute.

"Todd," Susannah began again. Her voice was soft and tender. "Did the fear that Tea was going to walk out on you remind you of anything?"

"Leave me alone! I hurt her. I tied her up. She hates me! End of story!"

Susannah decided to take a different direction. He wasn't ready to see why he was so afraid Tea would leave him forever. "Todd, you eventually untied her, didn't you?"

"Not right away?"

"Why not?"

"I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?" Susannah asked.

"That I would go away and hurt her even worse than I had," Todd replied. His voice was trembling.

"Did you feel that you were going away?"

"He was yelling at me!" Susannah could see he was starting to get more and more agitated.

"Who was yelling at you? Was it the same voice who told you Tea would betray you?"

"No, it was another voice. An even meaner one. He said he would kill Tea if I untied her."

"But, you did end up untieing her, Todd," Susannah reminded him.

Todd stared off into space for a few seconds, and then said, "It doesn't matter. She hated me by then. She should have. I hurt her. I made her unhappy. I couldn't be what she wanted. I didn't even understand everything she wanted. I threw her out in the snow!"

Susannah was encouraged that Todd brought that up on his own. "Can you tell me what led up to you throwing her out into the snow?" Susannah asked.

Todd hung his head. "Tea took her robe off, she wanted to . . ." Todd's voice trailed off.

"Make love to you?" Susannah prodded. Todd nodded yes. "How did that make you feel, seeing Tea naked and knowing she wanted you that way?"

"I don't know," Todd answered, pressing his forehead against the cool glass of the window again.

"Todd, your wife just took the chance to stand before you naked. She let you know she wanted to make love to you. Did you look at her?"

"Yes," Todd answered in a monotone.

"Did you want to touch her?"

After a pause, Todd said, "Yes."

"Then how did that make you feel? Did you want to make love to her?"

"Yes," Todd whispered.

"So why couldn't you? What stopped you? What were you feeling that stopped you?"

Todd's trembling increased. "Dirty, trapped, like . . . like . . . like she was forcing me," Todd finally got the words out. He was visibly upset. He wrapped his arms around himself, tightly. He was rocking back and forth, lightly tapping his forehead against the window with each forward motion.

"Was that like something you felt before? Had anyone ever tried to force you before?" Todd stopped rocking and put his palms up flat against the window pane and rested his head against the back of his hands. Susannah stood up and approached him, but didn't touch him. "Todd," she said softly, "did someone ever try to force you?"

"I would never let anyone do that to me. I would never let anyone do that to me. I would never let anyone do that to me," Todd kept repeating to himself.

"Todd, sometimes people do things to little children against their will. They don't let the person do it. The person forces them. They have no choice," Susannah tried to explain.

Todd's head lowered slightly.

"I don't want to. It hurts. Don't! No! No! Mommy! Mommy!" Timmy screamed, backing against the wall.

"Timmy, it's Doctor Hanen, you're in my office. You're safe. You're safe. Your daddy's not here. No one is going to hurt you."

"No! I don't want to. No! Make it stop!" Timmy screamed.

Susannah could see that Timmy couldn't hear her or see her. He was trapped in the flashback. She also realized that what Timmy was now screaming out loud, he had probably only been able to scream inside his mind when the abuse actually occurred.

Suddenly, Timmy stopped screaming and crawled under Susannah's desk. He sat there holding his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. Susannah sat on the floor in front of him. She lightly touched his knee.

"Hi sweetie, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?" Timmy showed no response. He just stared ahead, his pupils dilated.

Susannah checked his pulse. It was rapid, but regular. She reached in to touch his cheek, "Timmy, can you feel my hand? It's Doctor Hanen. I want you to come and talk to me. I haven't seen you in a couple of days and I miss you. Can you talk to me? Huh, sweetie, come out and talk to me."

Timmy didn't answer. Just as Susannah was about to stand up, Timmy reached up and took her hand. "Mommy, don't go away," he pleaded.

"It's Doctor Hanen, sweetie, and I'm not going anywhere."

Timmy slid out from under the desk and put his head in Susannah's lap. "Daddy's gonna take me upstairs and give me a bath again. He does it all the time now."

"It's real scary when daddy takes you upstairs, hmmm sweetie?" Susannah stated his fear as she gently rubbed his back.

"Yeah," Timmy replied quietly.

"What does daddy do when he takes you upstairs to give you a bath?" Susannah asked softly, bending closer to Timmy's ear.

Susannah felt Timmy's body tremble against hers. "The water burns. It's too hot. I can't breathe. My head's in the water. I can't get up."

"Sweetie, why can't you get up?" Susannah voice was low and tender.

"It's a secret."

"You can tell me. It's safe. I promise nothing bad will happen to you."

"Daddy will hurt you, if I tell." "Nooo, Timmy, I promise that won't happen. Tell me what Daddy does when he bathes you."

"My head gets pushed down in the water and I can't breathe. Then my head gets pulled up and when I can breathe it gets pushed down again, 'til daddy gets tired then he . . . It hurts! It hurts!" Timmy started crying.

"It's not happening now, sweetie. You're with Doctor Hanen. You know I won't let anyone hurt you. It's safe to tell," Susannah assured him, Susannah whispered as she rubbed his back with one hand and stroked his head with the other.

"Daddy takes me out of the tub and puts me on the floor. The floor is so cold. He gets on top of me. He squishes me and I can't breath again. Then it hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts for a long time after daddy stops. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit. I want mommy to come. I want her to make it stop. I don't mean to be bad. I don't mean to make daddy hurt me. I want to be good. I just don't know how. Mommy must think I'm bad too, or she would make daddy stop," Timmy reasoned.

Continuing to rub his back, Susannah said, "Timmy, you're already a good boy. It's your daddy who did bad things."

"Daddy will get mad at you for saying that," Timmy warned her, with fear in his voice.

"Well, you just let your daddy get as mad at me as he wants to. I promise you, he can't hurt me and I won't let him hurt you."

Exhausted, Timmy was starting to relax and fall asleep. Susannah sat there, careful not to disturb Timmy for the time being. She knew that she desperately wanted to help this patient. He had gotten to her in a way no other ever had. She had truly never known a human being that had been hurt and damaged in so many ways before. She began to wonder if he could ever really heal or if the damage was too severe. Damn it! she thought, I will make you whole, Todd. I will give you back the life your parents stole from you.

After about twenty minutes "Timmy" stirred in his sleep. Susannah could see he was having trouble breathing and was grasping at his throat, as if he were pulling something away from it.

"Timmy. Timmy wake up. Wake up sweetie. You're having a bad dream. Come on, wake up," Susannah called to him, as she gently shook him.

His eyes opened with a start and he looked around for a second. Then, realizing his head was in Susannah's lap, he scrambled to his feet, clearly still having trouble breathing. He was also clearly confused and embarrassed.

"What's going on!"

Susannah immediately knew it was Todd and answered, "You just fell asleep for a while. You were starting to have a bad dream."

Todd started to pace back and forth rapidly. "Todd I want you to sit down. You need catch your breath."

"No! I don't want to sit. This just happens. I hate to sleep. That's why I don't want to sleep," Todd admitted as he rubbing his throat.

"I hate it when I wake up in the middle of a dream," Todd's voice was ragged. He was still gasping for breath.

"Why is it worse that way?" Susannah asked.

"Because sometimes I remember things, usually I don't."

"Are you remembering something now? Why are you rubbing your throat?"

Todd's pacing quickened. "His fingers are pressed into my throat."

"Your dad's?" Susannah asked. Todd nodded yes and then told her, "He would pick me up out of bed by my pajama collar and press his thumb and the knuckle of his forefinger into my throat." Todd continued to pace.

"And then what would he do?" Susannah continued to press. "I don't know, different things. I don't remember too much of it, just some things. He would usually drag me into the kitchen. He liked doing it in the kitchen."

"Doing what?" Susannah asked.

Todd banged his clenched fists together. "Play the games," Todd answered and then begged, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Todd, did he hurt you after he dragged you to the kitchen? It's all right. You can tell me."

Todd's breathing became even more labored. "No, not really hurt me. H-h-he w-w-w-would just make me do things. Things that taught me discipline. He w-would make me stand against the wall for the whole night, not moving a muscle or h-he would make me kneel in things or he would . . . he . . . he would . . . he would . . ."

Tom's arms shot up over his head. He held his wrists closely together. His body slammed into the wall, face first.

"I DIDN'T DO IT," Tom screamed.

"Do what? What didn't you do? Tom, tell me what's happening." Susannah hoped he could hear her.

"He ties his necktie or a belt around my hands and sometimes my feet. He hangs the other end of the tie around a hook on the wall. It hurts my arms to hang from it like that. He keeps moving the hook higher if I get taller. He's pulling up my pajama top." Susannah heard the terror in Tom's voice.

"It's not happening now, Tom. Just tell me about it. Why does he pull up your pajama top?"

"He says he's only going to burn me six times tonight if I tell him I did it," Tom cried.

"Did what? What does he want you to say you did?"

"Made him lose a client. I didn't do it," Tom whimpered, more to himself than to Susannah.

Susannah moved closer to him. "Of course you didn't, Tom," Susannah soothed. Tom's body lurched against the wall as he felt the lit end of the cigarette press into his flesh. He didn't cry out. His face was contorted with pain. "Tom, it's not happening now. Honey, no one is hurting you now."

Tom's body lurched against the wall five more times. "I did it! I did it! I spoiled your job, I DID IT!" Tom shrieked out in agony. Then his body lurched against the wall two more times and he cried out, "You said no more after six." His body dropped to the floor, as if he had suddenly been released from the hook.

"Tom, honey you're safe. You're here with Doctor Hanen. You're not in your old house. You're here in my office. Your dad is not here," Susannah comforted him. She placed her hand on his back. He jumped, as if she had touched the fresh burns.

Crying, he said, "He told me he would stop after six if I said I did it," Tom cried at the pain and betrayal he felt.

"Why did he continue to burn you?"

"Because I moved when I answered him. I wasn't supposed to move," Tom replied, still crying. Tom held his, "still bound," hands up. "My hands hurt. My fingers feel funny."

Susannah took his trembling hands in hers. "Here honey, I'll take the ties off." Susannah once again went through the motions of untying his hands. "Is that better?"

Tom separated his hands and nodded yes. He put his head on Susannah's shoulder and asked. "How come my dad hates me so much? I don't mean to be bad."

Susannah put her arms around him. "Tom, your dad was a sick man. He probably hated everyone."

"Did I make him sick?" He asked, sadly.

"No honey, you absolutely did not. Your dad was very mixed up and didn't think straight. You didn't do bad things, he did," Susannah brushed his hair back.

"I wish you could be my mom now," Tom said, looking directly into Susannah's eyes.

"You know something, I would be very happy and proud to have a son like you." She knew she really meant it.

"You would?" Susannah could hear the surprise in his voice.

"You are very good and very smart, and very, very brave."

"I am?"

"Yeah, you are," Susannah told him, as she, gently, lifted his face up by the chin.

Tom sat up straight and said, "Viki's gonna bring me ice cream. She said when she comes she's gonna bring me ice cream."

"Well then, let's go back to your room and see if Viki is here yet." Tom hesitated when they got to the door.

"Your dad's not out there Tom. He can't hurt you," Susannah promised him and they headed to Tom's room.

TO BE CONTINUED

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