Suddenly, Susannah's patient shrieked with terror. Only it wasn't Timmy's voice, it was Todd's.

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Over three weeks had gone by since Timmy revealed part of "the game" his father played with him and since Todd had tried to get out of the hospital. After giving Todd's body some time to heal, Susannah had sessions with Miss Perkins, Rodd, Jimmy and Tom. Timmy had come back a few times.

Susannah was surprised to discover that Rodd was fluent in Italian and French. He explained to Susannah that he liked to think he learned it at home from his parents, however when pressed, he had to admit that he had "sneaked in" some courses when Todd was in college to refresh his memory. He admitted it was really difficult for Todd because he didn't remember registering for the classes, nor could he pass the tests if he happened to be out for one.

Rodd was also quite knowledgeable about art and music. He loved visiting museums during his limited time out and he enjoyed the opera. He told Susannah he had a whole collection of opera tapes and CD's that he kept in a secret hiding place in Todd's apartment. He also told Susannah how lonely his existence was since he was the only one living with Todd who enjoyed these pastimes. "Todd would not be caught dead going to the opera," Rodd informed Susannah.

Rodd confessed that he loved Tea, "I would never have thrown her out in the snow," Rodd said, winking.

Susannah tried once again, unsuccessfully, to get Miss Perkins to "Open the vault." She asked her if she knew anything about a crying child. Miss Perkins became visibly uncomfortable and started to discuss the decor of Susannah's office. The subject clearly changed.

Susannah was finally getting to put some of the pieces together. She had come to realize, through her conversations with the alters that had presented themselves so far, that for the most part, Timmy handled the sexual abuse, Tom the physical, Jimmy was a combination of all the emotional pain Todd felt and Rodd handled Todd's sexuality. Pete handled much of his rage; Miss Perkins kept it all together and offered a motherly comfort to "her boys." Susannah also came to realize that Todd had, in all likelihood, been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused throughout his childhood and adolescence. So, she wondered, what made him change so drastically when he was fourteen?

Although most of the alters had been out in the past three weeks, Todd and Pete had not been there. Susannah was surprised when in the middle of a session with Tom, Todd suddenly emerged.

"What?" Todd said, as if he had just been woken from a dream, or perhaps had heard the voice of the last alter out. He looked around and realized he was in Susannah's office. He felt odder than usual, more disconnected, like he was dreaming, nothing felt real. He went over to Susannah's desk and looked at her calendar. Wednesday, September twenty-third. He could not even remember what the date had been the last time he remembered being there, but he knew he had lost a lot of time.

"Todd, hello, how are you? How are you feeling?" Susannah asked. Todd didn't answer at first. He looked around trying to remember the last time he was in Susannah's office. He remembered Sam and Viki being there. He looked down at Susannah's coffee table, now clear of everything except a vase and some flowers. He had a very vague memory of toys, dolls. Todd shook his head trying to clear the memories in his brain.

"Todd, can you hear me?" Susannah asked.

"Yeah, I can hear you," he answered, his voice sounded far away to him. Like it was coming from a distance.

Strangely, he did not feel as much fear or panic as he usually did when he felt this disconnected or when he discovered he'd lost a large chunk of time. He felt numb.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Susannah asked.

"Being here, I missed a lot of time didn't I?"

"About three weeks." Susannah gently informed him.

"So what have I been up to?" Todd asked, trying to sound casual, and then sarcastically added, "Have I raped anyone or taken anyone hostage while I've been on vacation?"

"Nothing bad has happened since you were last here," Susannah answered, surprised that Todd was not as frightened as he had been about missing so much time. "Todd I was just speaking with Tom and . . ."

"Tom?" Todd interrupted.

Susannah realized she never had the chance to tell Todd the alters names. He always disassociated before she could go into any details about them. "Tom is one of your alters. He is seven years old. He's a very nice, smart, and funny little boy," Susannah explained.

Todd, slightly shaking his head yes and looking up, said, "I tell you that I'm seven years old! What do I do for an encore, pretend to be a duck or do Elvis impersonations?"

Susannah could tell Todd was embarrassed by what she had just told him. "Tom is a part of you. He just hasn't grown up yet. Eventually he will catch up with you. Todd, I know how this sounds to you, but you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Tom is a lovely child, and I enjoy spending time with him."

"Well, then why don't you just adopt him and let me out of here," Todd sneered, sarcastically.

Susannah noted a definite change in his attitude. Yes, he was embarrassed, but he was not as frightened as he had been. "Would you like to know about the other alters?"

"No!" Todd snapped sharply.

"It would help you if you knew more about them. You don't have to be afraid of them. They are all just parts of you, and eventually they will all be integrated into just one Todd. All the memories they have will be yours. All the time you missed will be given back to you," Susannah explained.

"Am I supposed to look forward to that?" Todd commented, sarcastically.

"You may remember some things that are painful, but you will also remember good things. Most of all you will be free. All your time will be your own. You will be able to live your life as you want to and not wake up to find you are in the middle of what someone else has done."

"I never had that, being able to live my life as I wanted to," Todd murmured, almost to himself.

"Todd, what would you want out of life? If you could have your life go the way you want it to, what would you want?"

Todd walked over to the window, and looking out answered, "For starters I'd want to be out there. I'd want to feel the air on my face. I can hardly remember what that feels like anymore."

"Well, that's one wish I can pretty much promise you will get. Todd you won't be here forever. You are getting better. Now what else would you wish to happen in your future?"

Todd continued to stare out the window, and then stated, "I wish I could be with Starr. I wish that I could trust myself to be with her."

"You can see Starr now if you want to. You decided not to see her. You wouldn't hurt her, you know," Susannah assured him.

"I hurt Tea. Why wouldn't I hurt Starr?" Todd stated more than asked.

"Were there ever times you were with Starr that you don't remember? Times that you know about because you figured out you were with her but had no actual memory of?"

"Yeah," Todd said, almost to himself. Tears sprang to his eyes.

"Did Starr seem all right after that? Did anything bad happen to her? Or did she just have a good time with her daddy, as she always did?"

"I guess she was all right. She never said anything bad happened. Sometimes she would want to play a game with me that she said we played, but I didn't know how. I didn't remember playing it with her or she would talk about someplace we went and I didn't remember going there, but she always acted like she had fun. So I thought it would be okay. I never wanted her out of my life. Being a good father to Starr has been the most important thing in my life since the day I met her, after I got back from Ireland."

"Todd, how much do you remember about Ireland? Did you lose time as much during the months you were there?"

Since Todd was presently calm, Susannah thought this would be a good time to get into this.

"I don't remember much about the first couple of months at all, but it was different. I don't know how to describe it. It was a different kind of not remembering," Todd tried to explain.

Susannah was encouraged that he was remaining calm. She continued. "You were hurt very badly when you were found, weren't you?"

"So they told me. Lilly, the woman who took care of me told me that there wasn't a part of my body that wasn't injured somehow. At first I didn't like her, but she turned out to be very kind. I never had anyone take care of me like that. I couldn't even feed myself. She did everything for me, and her husband Eamonn held me up when I was learning to walk again. They stayed with me even though their lives could have been in danger because they were hiding me. They stayed with me!" Todd still could not believe that anyone would have stayed with him and not abandoned him that way. He continued.

"They acted as if my life was worth something. I guess they just didn't know better," Todd added sarcastically and went on. "I used to hear Lilly saying Hail Mary's over me. They believed in resurrection. They believed in redemption. They would have thought there was hope for me even if they knew all the things I had done. They would have been wrong."

"Why would they have been wrong?" Susannah pressed.

"Because they also believed in repentance. How can you repent for some things you don't remember doing, even if you want to? I have been so ashamed and so sorry for some of the things I've been told I did, but can you truly be repentant for something you don't remember?"

Todd's openness and willingness to discuss what was going on in his mind surprised Susannah. "Todd, do you believe in God?"

"Should I? You're the shrink. Do you think someone like me should believe in God? That is if there is a God, would he even listen to me? When I was little, I used to ask God to bring my mom home. Later on I would ask that Sam would ask me to come and stay with him. Do you think God was listening?" Todd stated, with sarcasm in his voice, once again.

Todd was quiet for a few minutes. Susannah held back and allowed him this time. Todd continued spontaneously.

"Sometimes when things got really bad in Ireland and it hurt so much I didn't think I could stand it anymore, I would pray. Lilly once heard me and prayed with me. I had to stop. I couldn't take it."

"You were in a lot of physical pain," Susannah restated.

Todd shook his head, slightly. "It wasn't just the physical pain. I would have these dreams. At least I think I was dreaming. He would come after me. He would always be there."

"Who would come after you? Who was the dream about?" Susannah prodded.

"My father, he was always there. He was always standing over my bed, telling me I deserved what was happening to me. He told me that I would die, that I was such a wimp I deserved to die. I tried to shut my eyes and make him go away, but he wouldn't."

Todd shut his eyes. He took a deep breath and continued. "I would dream about Blair a lot too. I remember that. Blair and a baby. Lilly and Eamonn would have let me stay with them. They had no children. They had a lot of animals, dogs, and cats mostly. They had one horse and a cow. There were some wild animals that would come to the back of the cottage, wolves and wild dogs. There were so many animals. I love animals and I love being around them. You can trust them. When I was strong enough they let me feed and water the animals. I loved doing that. They got to know me, and even some of the wilder ones would let me pet them. Eamonn said I had a way with them, that they took to me more than anyone he'd ever known. I think that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. A part of me wanted to stay there with them and be a part of their simple life, but I kept seeing Blair and my child, not Starr, but a child, a child in Blair's arms a child that I wanted to be a father to.

Todd looked away for a moment. He looked as if something he was remembering was puzzling him. "It's funny, but from the time I regained consciousness . . . I was in so much pain, but it was different from the kind of pain I felt all my life. There was a reason for that pain. I knew why I had that pain and I knew what I had to do to make it go away. There was an end in sight to that pain. I think I remember more of my time in Ireland than I do about any other time in my life."

Susannah felt like this was the first time she was getting a real glimpse into the person underneath all the fear, panic, and rage.

"Is that one of the things you would wish for, to be able to go back there sometime?" Susannah asked, gently.

Todd thought about her question before he responded. "No, not really. I guess the other thing I would wish for would be to be able to have a life with Tea. A real life, a real marriage, not one where she has to be my nursemaid. Not one where I can't stop myself from doing horrible things to her. I love Tea so much, but I don't think she knows that. I don't think I've ever given her a reason to know that."

Susannah looked him in the eye. "Todd, I think Tea knows how much you love her. I think she understands that the love just can't come out the way you want it to, that somewhere between the way you feel it and the way it comes out, it gets twisted. Tea loves you very much. She told me that. Would you like to start seeing Tea again or Starr?"

Susannah was afraid he'd get upset by her last question. Surprisingly, he didn't. He actually stopped to think it over. After thinking a minute Todd answered. "No, not yet."

Susannah realized this was the calmest and most rational she had seen Todd since she met him. She wasn't sure if it was some of the revelations the alters had made, or the medications kicking in or a calm before the storm, but Susannah felt more hopeful for Todd than she had ever felt.

"You know if you saw Starr it would be a supervised visit. Someone would be there to make sure she was all right," Susannah said, knowing how much Todd really wanted to see his daughter.

Todd thought about it for another minute. "I'm sure by now Blair has gotten some judge to say I'm unfit anyway," Todd spoke quietly.

"No, that hasn't happened. Blair understands that you are ill. Legally, you still have custody of Starr. Todd, a judge wouldn't take your child away forever because you were sick," Susannah informed him.

"Yes, they would. Judges do that. They take kids away from the person who loves them and gives the kids to someone who hates them." Todd's voice was sad more than angry. "A judge took me away from my mother. She was a good mother, but that didn't help. The judge still took me away from her," Todd said, and then to himself said, "Judge Alfred Connor. God! How I hated him. I never met him but I hated him."

Susannah felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

"Todd, did you say Judge Alfred Connor?" Susannah's heart rate quickening.

"Yeah, I once sneaked a look at the custody papers my father had and I saw his name on them. He was the judge that took me away from my mother. He never even met me or spoke to me and he managed to take away the one thing that was good in my life. Yeah, Alfred Connor," Todd's voice was low and filled with sorrow.

After Todd was taken back to his room Susannah sat at her desk. Her mind was spinning. Judge Connor, the same Judge Connor who was the only witness to Michelle's disappearance. Could it be a coincidence? What kind of Judge would give a child to a man like Peter? Everyone knew the fact that Peter was at the very least, emotionally abusive to Todd. Todd was nine years old. What kind of judge wouldn't at least interview him before deciding on custody. Could there be some kind of connection between Judge Connor and Peter Manning? Some kind of hold Peter had over him, Susannah thought. Susannah knew she had to go back to Chicago for a couple of days.

"Susannah, I know I have no right to ask you this, but do you really think this is a good time to go off and leave Todd? I mean, you said yourself that you feel he's improving. Couldn't this trip wait?" Viki asked, when, several days after finding out Judge Connor was the Judge who gave Todd to Peter, Susannah told her and Sam she would be going to Chicago for a couple of days.

"Maybe I can help you out and go for you?" Sam volunteered.

"I'll only be gone a day or two and the psychiatric resident is familiar with Todd's case. It will be all right," Susannah assured them. Susannah went to Todd's room to tell him she would be leaving tomorrow for a couple of days. Todd was out when she got there. He was, as usual, staring out the window. He was far more shut down then he had been the other day. Susannah had to call his name out three times before he responded. She knew that it was common for a patient to take one step forward and many steps backwards in their treatment, but she was still concerned.

"Hi Todd. How are you feeling today? Is something upsetting you?" Susannah asked. Todd's only response was a slight shrug of his shoulders as he continued to stare out the window. Susannah was wondering if perhaps she should cancel her plans. Then she reasoned that the time might never be just right and she could be back in Llanview in a few hours if he needed her.

"Todd, could you come over here and sit by me for a minute? I want to talk to you about something." Todd sat down on the bed. "I wanted to let you know that I am going out of town for a day or two starting tomorrow. The nurses will be able to get in touch with me if you need me. Doctor Morrison will be here. You know him. He's the resident on this unit and he'll be looking in on you. He's very nice and easy to talk to,"

Susannah searched Todd's face for any clue as to how he was feeling about what she said, but his expression remained unchanged. "Are you all right with this?" Susannah pressed.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Todd answered. He went back to stare out the window.

"We will still have our scheduled session later today," Susannah declared.

"Okay," Todd mumbled, without turning around.

Susannah had been back in her office for about ninety minutes when her phone rang. It was Connie, one of the nurses on duty. "Doctor Hanen, it's Todd. He's tearing up his room and won't let anyone near him. Do you want us to call a code?" Connie asked in a panicky tone.

"No, don't do anything. I'll be right there."

As Susannah was running down the hall she could here Pete shouting. "DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU! IF YOU COME NEAR ME THAT'LL BE THE LAST THING YOU DO! I SWEAR IT! DON'T ANY OF YOU COME NEAR ME!"

Susannah came into the room. It looked as if a tornado had hit it. The chairs and tables had been knocked over or thrown about. The room was strewn with torn puzzles and comic books. Broken games and toys lay everywhere and Pete was in the process of tearing the sheets off the bed.

"Pete! It's Doctor Hanen. You need to calm down and tell me what's wrong. What has made you so angry?"

Pete, having run out of things to break, was pacing back and forth as he answered. "YOU! YOU AND THIS WHOLE STINKING PLACE! YOU KEEP ME HERE LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL! YOU'RE ALL THE SAME! YOU'RE ALL THE SAME LYING SLUTS! I'M THE MAN! I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT . . . NO RIGHT . . . NO. . . "

Suddenly, "Pete" dropped down to a cross-legged sitting position on the floor. The angry threatening shouts were replaced with the sounds of Timmy's sobs. Kneeling down to him, Susannah asked, "Timmy what is it? What's the matter sweetie? Why are you crying? Is something hurting you?"

Timmy reached out and hugged Susannah and cried out, "Don't go away mommy. Please don't go away. I'll be good. I promise!" Susannah hugged Timmy tightly. She gently rocked him.

"Timmy, sweetie, it's Doctor Hanen, and I'm only going away for one or two days. That's not a long time and then I'm going to come back and see you. I'll bring you a present when I come back."

"No! You're going away forever you'll never come back. Can't I come with you? I'll be real good and real quiet. Please don't leave me with daddy," Timmy cried out.

Susannah thought about canceling her plans but then she had an idea. "Timmy what if Sam or Viki came to stay overnight with you? They would be here and you know they would never let your daddy in the room."

Timmy seemed to calm down a little. Still holding on to Susannah, he whimpered, "I want you to stay with me."

"I know you do, sweetie, but you know how much Sam and Viki love you. It would make them happy to get to spend some extra time with you."

Susannah held Timmy's face in both her hands and looked into his eyes. She wiped away Timmy's tears with her thumbs. "Now who do you want to stay with you, Sam or Viki?"

Timmy turned his head around as if he was hearing something, and then he said, "Okay," but it was directed to someone else, not to Susannah.

Timmy looked into Susannah's eyes again. "Tom says Sam because Sam plays video games better than Viki does and he brings him pizza for breakfast," Timmy informed her.

Susannah laughed and smoothed Timmy's hair from his face. "Well, then, Sam it will be. I'll call him as soon as I get back to my office," she promised and stood up.

Susannah looked around the room at the broken games, toys and puzzles on the floor at the overturned furniture. "I'd better tell Sam to buy you some new games and puzzles." Timmy looked up at Susannah. His eyes were huge, sad and frightened.

"Are you really gonna come back again?"

Susannah reached up to a locket she was wearing and knelt down to show it to Timmy. "Do you see this," she asked. Timmy nodded. Susannah opened it to reveal a picture on either side of the locket and said, "This is very special to me because the people in these pictures are my grandparents. I loved them very much and that is why I always wear their pictures around my neck and never go very far without it."

Susannah took the locket off. She held out Timmy's hand and placed the locket in it. She closed his fingers around it. "I'm going to give this to you to hold for me for safe keeping until I come back. You know that I wouldn't leave forever if I didn't take that with me. Will you keep it safe for me until I get back?"

Timmy looked at the locket in his hand and then up at Susannah and nodded. Susannah hugged Timmy and patted his back and then stood up and exclaimed, "Now why don't we clean up this room?"

Timmy looked around and said, "Pete made a real big mess. Are you mad at him? Is he gonna get punished?"

"No, I'm not mad at him and I think Pete has already been punished enough," Susannah confirmed, as she turned a chair right side up.

TO BE CONTINUED

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