Todd got up from the couch and went to look at the calendar on Susannah's desk.

"I was with Viki and Sam. The last thing I remember was being with Viki and Sam," Todd declared, becoming upset when he saw the date."

"Yes, that was several days ago," Susannah gently informed him.

"I went away in front of them didn't I?"

"Todd, they understand. They know you can't help it," Susannah said, trying to comfort him.

"I want you to tell Viki something for me, in case I'm not around when she comes to see me."

"All right, what do you want me to tell her?" Susannah agreed.

"I don't ever want Tea or Starr to come visit me. I don't want them anywhere near me, ever! Tell Viki to tell Tea that and to tell Blair to keep Starr away from me," Todd was adamant.

*************************************************************************************************************

Tea had been visiting friends in New York City since her last visit to Todd. She had only intended to stay away for a few days. She ended up staying away for over three weeks. She thought if she just stayed away from Llanview that she could stop thinking about Todd. It didn't work. No matter what she was doing or whom she was with, she was still in that hospital room with him. She knew she had to get away to clear her mind after Todd asked for a divorce. Tea realized he was in no condition to make such a request but still, it was all she could think about.

Tea returned to Llanview as confused as when she left. She hated coming home to her empty hotel room. She missed Todd. She missed his presence in her life. She missed the way the air seemed to move differently when he entered a room. She missed his humor and the quirky way he had of looking at the world. She missed being able to see his face and watch his mouth as he spoke. She missed being able to look into his eyes and the way his after-shave smelled. My God, she thought, I even miss watching him eat.

Even though she had always felt lonely while they were living together, this was different. Now she was truly alone. She was surprised that Viki had asked if it was all right to come to see her at the hotel. She had been speaking with Viki or Sam on the phone and both had said that Todd's condition was pretty much unchanged. Well, something must have changed, Tea thought.

"Tea, thank you for seeing me. I know things haven't been easy for you since Todd's been ill," Viki said, as she sat down to talk to Tea.

"How is Todd? Has there been a change in his condition?" Tea asked nervously.

"Yes and no, Susannah does feel he is making progress. She was able to get him to discuss some painful things and he stayed Todd through most of it. Unfortunately, that was over two weeks ago and Todd has not been around since."

"Which ones . . . I mean . . . who has been there? Is Todd all right?" Tea was trying to keep herself from crying.

"Yes, he's all right. For the most part Miss Perkins and Tom have been out. Susannah hasn't been pushing them to hard. Todd had a particularly painful session the last time he was out and Susannah thinks he needs some rest. She also wants to give the new medication he's on a chance to kick in," Viki explained.

"New medication?" Tea asked. Tea hated not knowing exactly what was going on it Todd's life.

"Yes, Susannah started him on antidepressants." Viki took a deep breath and continued. "Tea, Todd tried to kill himself the night you left. Well, actually it was an alter named Jimmy. He tried to jump out the window. That's when Susannah had him transferred to a locked unit."

Tea was stunned. She was horrified. "My God! Viki, he tried to kill himself?! Was he hurt? Why didn't you or Sam tell me?" Tea could not believe that at no one had informed her that her husband had almost died.

Viki sensed this. "Tea, I'm sorry. We knew you were on your way to New York, and there really wasn't anything you could do. There wasn't anything any of us could do. I mean, Sam did a lot. He actually saved Todd. He kept Jimmy from jumping, but afterwards there was nothing. Todd was heavily sedated. There was no point in worrying you," Viki knew how hurt Tea was and she was sorry she didn't call her.

Tea was confused. "Jimmy? Who is Jimmy? Is he a violent alter like Pete?" Tea's head was spinning.

"No, not at all. Jimmy is fourteen. He's very suicidal. Jimmy pretty much feels nothing but pain. Just being touched by someone caused him incredible pain. When Sam pulled him off the window sill, his screams weren't only because he had been stopped from jumping, they were also because of how much pain Sam's touch was causing him."

Tea was shocked. "Doctor Hanen thinks this is an improvement?" Tea said, sarcastically.

"Tea, good or bad, the more Susannah knows about the alters the better able she'll be to help Todd. I came here today to fill you in on Todd's treatment, but also because he asked Susannah to ask me to tell you something."

As she said this, Viki could see that Tea was hoping it was something good, something that would give her hope. She hated having to relay Todd's message to Tea. She hated having to cause her more pain.

"Tea, Todd doesn't want you to come to see him while he is in the hospital. Not you or Starr. It's not because he doesn't love you or care about you. It's because he does. He can't bear for you to see him this way."

Viki hoped she did the right thing. She believed Tea should see Todd, that he needed Tea and Starr in his life, now more than ever.

Tea was devastated. It took her a minute to collect herself before she spoke. "Does Todd know I already know about the DID and the alters? Does he know that I don't judge him because of his illness?"

Viki nodded her head and explained, "Todd has not accepted what Susannah told him about his illness. He doesn't really believe her. Well, let me put it this way, he believes her enough to think he is totally insane. He thinks that he will be locked away forever. He believes her enough to feel ashamed and embarrassed by the blackouts. He can't handle the idea that he becomes someone else during the times he can't remember. Tea, this has been happening to Todd since he was four years old. By the time he realized it wasn't 'normal' for people to just lose large chunks of time, he was too afraid and too ashamed to tell anyone. He never, for a minute, thought that he became other people. He thought he just did nothing, that he was asleep or something. Tea, I can tell you first hand that when you realize you're losing time you truly don't think about having alters," Viki hoped she was making sense to Tea.

Tea was having a hard time with this. "Viki, it was different for Todd. I mean he knew about you having DID. Shouldn't he have made the connection?" Tea's tone was confused.

Viki tried again. "Tea, I don't think Todd ever really understood my illness. Intellectually he understood it, but not emotionally. Todd hardly knew me when he found out what our father had done to me, yet he was devastated. Perhaps because of how alike Peter and our father were. I don't know. I do know that for all of Todd's, 'people running around in her head' remarks, he really didn't or couldn't let himself understand my illness. Tea, he is ashamed in front of me and in front of Sam. Susannah said it was after he realized that he went away in front of Sam and me, that he decided he didn't want you and Starr to see him anymore.

Tea could not face being shut of Todd's life that way. "Doesn't he realize he has been going away in front of us ever since we've known him? He knows he's always lost time, doesn't he?"

Viki wanted to spare Tea this pain. Unfortunately she knew she had to be honest with her. "Yes, he knows he has always lost time, but as I said, he never associated that with DID or ever, for one minute, thought he became someone else. Susannah said now, when he is able to feel himself dissociating, he fights it even harder then he did before. The more he fights, the more the alters make his head hurt when they want to come out. I don't mean just a slight headache. I mean intense, excruciating pain.

"Tea, it is such a horrible feeling. I don't know what is worse? When you just suddenly go away, without knowing it is happening, or the times you can feel yourself dissociating and know you can't make it stop. No matter how hard you try. You feel like nothing is real, like you, your body, is not real. You feel yourself fading away. It's like you're dying. Tea, you could never imagine. Honey, don't you see, you and Starr are the two people Todd loves most in the world. He can't handle having you and Starr see him now."

Tea started to cry. "But he still wants to see you and Sam. He didn't tell you or Sam to divorce him. You know, it really is ironic. Todd and I never seem to be on the same page. When I wanted a divorce he couldn't handle it. He did everything in his power to get me back. Now he wants a divorce and I . . . I'm just not sure what I want."

Viki's heart broke for Tea and she was afraid for Todd. "Tea, I can't tell you what to do and no one would blame you if you took Todd up on his request, but there is one thing I know and that is how much my brother loves you. That is why he can't bear for you and Starr, the two people he loves most in the world, to see him like this. Todd is terrified of the idea that he might hurt you. He knows he has done some horrifying things during times he can't remember. For what it's worth, I think you should honor Todd's wishes and not see him for a while, at least until he has some control over his own life. I know this leaves you in limbo, but I think it's for the best. If you like, you can go see Susannah. She might be able to give you a little more insight into my brother than I. As you probably know, I find it hard to be objective over Todd," Viki said, smiling.

Tea took Viki's hand. "You love him very much don't you?"

Tears formed in Viki's eyes. "With all my heart. If Todd had been my own child, I couldn't love him more. It tears my heart to shreds to see how much he is suffering."

Tea squeezed Viki's hand and the two woman sat in the silence of two people sharing worry and grief over a loved one.

After Viki left Tea thought about everything Viki had just told her. She wanted to respect Todd's wishes. However, before she made any decision she decided to go see Susannah.

Tea was glad that Susannah could see her right away. Now, sitting in the outer office she became nervous. Maybe I really don't want to know the truth about Todd. Tea thought to herself as she waited.

"Tea, please come in. Would you like some coffee?" Susannah asked as she held her office door open for Tea. Tea stepped in. Susannah could see she was nervous.

"No thank you. Doctor Hanen, I want to . . . I need to know where I stand with Todd, or whoever he is. I need to know if I still have a marriage?" Tea blurted out.

Susannah pointed to the club chairs in her office. "Please sit down. I'll tell you all I can," Susannah promised, gently.

Tea sat in one of the chairs. She nervously played with the strap of her purse for a couple of seconds. Then she looked Susannah in the eye and began. "You know Todd doesn't want to see me anymore? He also asked me for a divorce. At least I think it was Todd."

Susannah noticed the sad laugh Tea ended her statement with. "Yes, I believe it probably was Todd. Tea, Todd hasn't come to grips with his illness and . . ."

"Yes, I know, Viki told me that." Tea interrupted Susannah. "What I want to know is how long . . . I mean . . . I mean . . . Oh God! Just tell me what to do. What the hell should I do? I love him. I want to stand by him, but there's nothing I can do for him. Everything I do seems to hurt him," Tea reached for the tissues Susannah was offering her.

Susannah waited a few seconds for Tea to calm. "There is something you can do, Tea. You can tell me everything you know about Todd. You can tell me what your marriage was like."

Looking down, Tea confessed, "I don't know if you know this, but I married Todd for the money. For a lot of money. He wanted custody of Starr and I wanted five million dollars," Tea said this with a coldness she really didn't feel. "Only a funny thing happened on my way to increasing my bank account. I started to love him. I knew he was damaged. I knew he was twisted. I just couldn't help myself. And you know, the funny part is that Todd knew that about himself. He knew he could never give me what I needed. He tried to warn me, over and over again."

Tea laughed at the irony and continued. "I thought I could change him. I thought with enough love and time I could help his wounds close. I never realized how deep they were. I never realized they were life threatening. He could never sleep. I don't know how he did it, going four or five days without sleep, sometimes hardly eating. I don't know what his body was running on? Yet, he functioned. At least I thought he did. He took care of Starr. He ran the Sun. Now I wonder if that was Todd.

Susannah let Tea speak, uninterrupted. She knew it was important for Tea to say all of this. For herself and for Todd.

"One time, just one time, I got him to sleep. He had this horrible nightmare about his father torturing him. I held his hand throughout the night and he slept for about fourteen hours. The next morning he was amazed then that he had slept. He was so grateful to have done something that the rest of us just take for granted. I know everyone has different sides to their personality, but not like that. I always wondered how the same man who was so caring and gentle with his daughter or with me, when I was hurt, could become so violent and cruel in no more than a second. Doctor Hanen, tell me! Who am I married to? Is it Todd who wants to divorce me? Is he the one who wants me to stay away?"

Susannah saw the pain in Tea's eyes. She spoke gently. "Todd wants to protect you, Tea. He doesn't want to hurt you. He is terrified about what happens when he dissociates. Todd was frightened by what happened when he lost time before. Ever since I told him about the DID, he is truly terrified of what he will do. He needs time to come to grips with this. He is trying to do what he thinks is best for you and for his daughter."

Tea had hoped Doctor Hanen would have better news for her than Viki had. "You know that is what really breaks my heart," Tea wiped the tears from her eyes. "Todd has always tried. I have never in my life seen anyone try harder. He tried to be what I wanted him to be. He tried to tell me that he couldn't. Not that he wouldn't, but that he literally couldn't. But he tried anyway and each time he would fail he would hate himself even more. I know he wanted to be a real husband to me. I know he tried. I made him try. Did I hurt him? Did I damage him even further by forcing the issue? How could I have been so blind? I mean, God! He couldn't even stand for me to touch him most of the time, let alone . . ."

Tea looked down for a moment as she shook her head at the memory, then went on saying what was in her heart. "I was always jealous of Blair. She shared a part of Todd that I never could. Do you think I'm a horrible person?" Tea asked, as tears erupted in her eyes again.

Susannah's heart broke for this young woman. She could tell how much Tea still loved Todd and she knew how much Todd loved Tea. Sadly, she also knew that being together now would not be healthy for either of them. Susannah understood that before Todd could have a relationship with Tea or any woman he had to heal. She knew that Tea, like Todd, was a victim of Peter and Barbara Manning.

"Tea, I know you love Todd. I know you want what is best for him and I know he wants what's best for you. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that, in my opinion, Todd cannot sustain a relationship right now. He has been hurt in so many ways. There are so many layers to his pain that it may take some time before he can even function as he did. I can't ask you to put your life on hold. Nevertheless, I can tell you that, like you said, Todd is trying as hard as he can. What he's going to have to go through is very painful and frightening. There is just so much he can take at a time. There are no short cuts to this, or at least not too many. You are going to have to decide if you want to wait, if you can wait," Susannah said, as gently and as honestly as possible.

Tea sat very still, taking in what Susannah had just told her. Then she spoke. "If I do wait, who will I be waiting for? Will Todd ever really come home or will it be a stranger or a combination of several strangers who comes home to me?"

Not missing the irony in Tea's question Susannah explained, "When Todd is integrated, he will probably not be, 'Todd, only without problems.' He will, in all likelihood, be a combination of all the alters."

Tea was not sure that was what she wanted to hear. "Even the violent one or the one who wants to kill himself or that poor pitiful child I saw at the jail?" Tea asked as she looked at Susannah with desperate eyes.

"Yes, all of them, but with the ability to control what they do and to accept the feelings they have without acting on them," Susannah explained softly.

Tea couldn't take anymore right now. She couldn't think straight. She didn't know what to do. Tea wanted to get out of there. She was just about to thank Susannah for her time when they heard an urgent knock on the office door.

"Come in," Susannah called.

A nurse entered and said, "It's Todd. He's having a really bad nightmare. We can't seem to wake him from it. You said to alert you if that happened again. He was thrashing out violently. We put the restraints back on him."

"Yes, thank you. I"ll be right there," Susannah told the nurse.

"Restraints?" Tea asked, in a horrified tone.

"Yes, I don't want him to hurt himself. I'm sorry I have to go," Susannah answered quickly and she left the office. Tea gathered her coat and bag and left the hospital, possibly for the last time.

TO BE CONTINUED

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page