He seemed so upset, that I left the class and went to look for him. I found him in an empty classroom. He had crawled under the teacher's desk and was holding the picture and crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'The picture of my mommy got spoiled.' I remember it to this day because of the way he said it. He sounded like my three-year-old son. I bent down and put my arm around him and the next thing I knew he had pushed me over and said, 'If you ever put your hands on me again, I'll kill you!' Believe me, this time he didn't sound like my son. Then he got up, ripped the picture into shreds and threw it in my face."

*************************************************************************************************************

Susannah checked Todd's chart before she went to see him. She was happy to see his vital signs were basically good. He was still slightly anemic and his blood pressure was a little low, but he was healing. The psychiatric resident who had been checking on him said the medication had kept him reasonably calm and the restraints had been removed. There had been one incident yesterday; Todd had a nightmare and became very agitated and had to be given additional medication. Other than that he was doing okay.

Todd was sitting cross-legged on his bed playing some kind of board game with Sam.

"Okay, I win. Let's play again," He was saying to Sam.

"Not until you eat your breakfast, Boomer. You promised me after the last game that you would eat after one more game," Sam said.

Todd looked at the breakfast tray on the table and said, "I'm not gonna eat that. Look at it. It's gross!"

Susannah realized she was getting to know her patient. She realized that it was Tom sitting on the bed.

Susannah smiled at him and said, "Well, I don't blame you. That looks pretty gross to me too. Hi, you look like you're feeling a lot better," She walked over to the bed. "Do you remember me?"

Tom looked up at her and nodded and remembered, "You're a doctor. You came to my room at Viki's house and you brought me candy."

"That's right, and you were very brave and told me who you were," Susannah praised.

Tom looked down at the bed as if he wasn't sure if he did the right thing telling Susannah that.

Sam, sensing it might be best to leave Susannah alone with her patient said. "You know what pal? Why don't I go and get you something to eat that you'll like? What do you want?"

"Pizza!" Tom responded gleefully.

"For breakfast?" Sam seemed surprised.

"I like pizza!" Tom insisted.

"Okay, one pizza delivery coming up," Sam promised and started to leave the room.

Tom, realizing he was going to be left alone with Susannah, started to get frightened and called after Sam. "Wait! I changed my mind. I want you to stay here, please!"

Sam knew it was important for Tom and the rest of them to start bonding with Susannah. He walked back to the bed and assured Tom. "I'm only going out for pizza, bud. You'll be okay here with Doctor Hanen."

"Are you sure you're gonna come back? You promise?"

"I promise pal," Sam said, patting Tom on the head, "I'll be right back." With that Sam left the room.

Susannah could see that Tom and probably most or all of the others had a constant fear of abandonment. They feared anyone they loved would just go away one day and never come back, the way their mother did.

"As I was saying before, I think you were very brave for telling me who you are. The more I know about you the more I will be able to help Todd and the rest of you," Susannah pointed out.

"Got me into trouble," Tom mumbled. He looked down at the bed.

"Trouble, who did you get into trouble with?" Susannah recognized what she hoped was an opening.

"I can't tell you that. It's a secret. He'll get mad all over again," Tom confessed, looking directly into Susannah's eyes.

"Do you remember what I told you about doctors? That we have to keep a secret a secret and can't tell anyone. Even if I wasn't a doctor I would keep your secret because I don't think it's nice to promise someone something and then go back on your word."

Susannah didn't know it, but it was the second part of what she said that helped Tom to trust her. "Will you tell me who got mad because you told me who you are?" Tom didn't answer. Susannah, figuring he just wasn't ready, patted his knee and said, "Maybe we can talk la . . ."

"Pete, Pete's the one who got mad and chased me away," Tom admitted, in a whisper.

Susannah stood absolutely still for a moment, surprised at what Tom had revealed. She knew what a really big step he had just taken and she was proud of him. Actually what a really big step they had all taken because she knew Pete was probably listening and did not interrupt this time.

"Maybe Pete wants us to help Todd more than he wants to be angry," Susannah reasoned.

Tom looked up at Susannah with his large hazel eyes and confessed, "Pete has helped Todd ever since he came. He's the only one who got him to stop."

"Got who to stop doing what, Tom?" Susannah pressed. Now Tom really got anxious because he knew he would be in a lot of trouble with Pete if he said any more, so he decided to leave.

Susannah could see her patient suddenly looked confused and panicky. "You're the shrink right?" Todd asked, looking around the room. He then looked down at his hands and saw they were no longer tied down. Susannah thought this might be Todd but she wasn't sure.

"Todd, are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, sure I'm okay," Todd voice was shaking. He was trying to figure out a way to find out how long he had been "away".

He was pretty sure it was not the same day. He also noticed he was alone with Susannah and that made him even more anxious. Todd knew that this "thing" that had plagued him all his life was getting worse. He was losing time more than ever. He was losing control of his life.

Sensing his confusion, Susannah helped him orient. "Todd, you've been here for several days. Today is Tuesday, July seventh."

Todd remembered waking up in the hospital a couple of times but it was foggy. The last day he really remembered was the day of the accident. He remembered Starr was supposed to visit him at Viki's. The next thing he remembered was waking up in Tea's car. Now he knew that had been almost a week ago.

Susannah knew Todd had no idea what was wrong with him. No idea about the DID or the alters. She could only imagine how terrified he must be every time he comes back. She knew she had to tell him, but didn't think he could handle it right now.

"Are Sam and Viki here?" Todd asked in a trembling voice.

"Viki will be here later. Sam went to get you something to eat," Susannah answered.

"Oh yeah, that's right," Todd was trying to sound like he remembered. Todd realized he was not in as much pain as the last time he woke up. He knew that, at least physically, he was getting better. But he felt odd, really spacy and groggy, like he couldn't get his brain to work as quickly as he wanted it to. He knew he had to be able to think fast if he was going to fool them into thinking he was just fine. He saw that an IV was still attached to his arm and wondered if they were drugging him. He hated the idea of anyone having that much control over him. Todd felt really uncomfortable with Susannah. He felt as if she were waiting for him to say something.

Just then Sam came back into the room, carrying a pizza. "Got your breakfast pal. It wasn't easy finding pizza this early in the day," Sam admitted and put the box down.

Todd, giving Sam a look of disgust, exclaimed, "Pizza for breakfast, yuck!"

Sam rolled his eyes as he and Susannah exchanged looks. He knew that the person on the bed, now, was not the same person he had left there a short time ago.

Susannah said, "I'm going to leave now I'll be back a little later."

Susannah needed to speak with Larry Wolek about getting set up in an office at the hospital. He had told her he would be glad to have her back on staff at anytime. Once that was settled, she knew she had to speak with Viki to find out if Viki were going to agree to Todd's being hospitalized for a while. Just as she was about to call Viki she saw her in the hallway talking to Sam. Susannah was glad to have the chance to speak with both of them together.

"Hi, how's Todd doing?" Susannah asked Sam. "He fell asleep. That was Todd in there, right?" Sam asked in a confused voice.

"Yes, I think so," Susannah answered. "He's getting a lot worse, isn't he?" Sam asked.

"Let's sit down," Susannah suggested, pointing to the lounge.

"Todd has been under a great deal of stress the past couple of months and . . ."

"And I contributed to that by trying to force him into remembering the night he tried to kill Peter," Sam interrupted, his voice filled with guilt.

"Sam I'm not going to say that didn't contribute to the crisis Todd is in now, but you also have to realize that this would have happened sooner or later. Isn't it better that we now have an idea what we're dealing with and that we got to Todd before he had a chance to hurt someone or himself any worse then he already did," Susannah added and continued. "That brings me to what I wanted to discuss with both of you. I still think the best thing would be for Todd to stay in the hospital for a while. As of today, I am back on staff and I have an office here."

Viki knew how this would horrify Todd. "Susannah," Viki began, "Todd has always been afraid of not being in control. He has also been terrified of being 'locked away,' as he would say. I'm sure that is one of the reasons he never told anyone that he loses time. He will be devastated if he is kept here against his will."

"Confinement has always been a big problem for him. He was willing to die to stay out of jail," Sam added.

"I do realize all that, I really do. But unfortunately, for now, Todd can't control his own life and he needs help. He needs to be protected from himself. Why don't I leave you two to discuss this and I'll be back in a little while." Susannah left to go see Larry.

"Sam, what should I do? As Todd's guardian I have to sign the papers." Viki asked frantically.

Sam felt so sorry for the position Viki was in. He realized how alone she must feel. Joey was in Europe for the summer with Kelly Cramer. Jessica was in Arizona with Clint and Viki was not getting along with Kevin. He was happy his own children were spending the summer at home, in Chicago, this year. He loved his children with all his heart, but he knew that right now his time had to go to his "other son", to Todd.

"Viki," Sam began, "When your children were little did you ever force them to take medicine they didn't want to take or take them for their shots even though you knew it would cause them pain?"

"Of course I did," Viki replied.

"So did I, with my kids," Sam said. "Now we have to do that for 'this kid' of ours. We have to do what's best for him. Even if he hates it for now, even if he hates us for now. He's not able to decide what is best for himself right now. He is not able to keep himself safe or healthy. We have to do that for him."

Viki went to look for Susannah to tell her to make arrangements for Todd's hospitalization.

Todd had not really fallen asleep. He just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts for a while. He knew he had to figure a way out of this. He was sorry that he agreed to therapy instead of jail. He knew that Doctor Hanen was going to keep coming at him with questions about things he did not want to think about nevertheless talk about. He knew how hard it would be to keep his losing time a secret from her.

Why can't they all just leave me alone! Maybe I should just take Starr and leave Llanview, he thought. Then he thought of Téa, could he really leave Téa behind? He knew she would never leave town with him now. He didn't even know if she would still talk to him. He still had no idea why he had her car that night.

"I HATE THIS!" He shouted out loud. Then quickly looked toward the door to see if anyone outside had heard him. God! I'm in jail anyway, he thought.

Todd immediately felt cornered when he saw Viki, Sam and Susannah walk into his room together. Viki walked over to Todd. She wanted to hug him or stoke his head as she had Timmy's or Tom's, but her instinct told her not to. It was as if Todd had this "no touch" barrier around him, as if he found human contact painful.

"Are you still in much pain? Does your hand hurt?" Viki asked.

"Not much, it just hurts a little when I breathe. I really feel a whole lot better, really strong!" Todd was trying to sound bright and cheerful, at least as cheerful as he could ever sound.

Todd looked up at Viki and declared, "I'm well enough to go home. I wanna leave." Todd saw Sam and Viki exchange glances and he really started to get frightened.

Susannah sat down on his bed and began. "Todd, I think it would be a good idea if you stayed in the hospital for a little while longer, just until we get your therapy going to a point where you're not so upset all the time and until we get your medication adjusted. Until you start to. . ."

"I don't need to stay here. I wanna leave!" Todd cut her off. I knew she was drugging me. She's gonna try to keep me a prisoner. I knew I couldn't trust her! he thought. Susannah didn't have a chance to tell him that he was going to be transferred to the psychiatric unit.

They could see Todd was beginning to panic. "I can leave if I want to," Todd snapped. He started to get out of bed and felt the IV tug at his arm. "Get this off of me!" he ordered Susannah.

Sam pushed him back toward the bed and said, "Okay pal, just calm down, let's discuss this."

"There's nothing to discuss! I'm signing myself out, NOW!" Todd shouted. He pulled the IV out.

"Todd, don't!" Viki pleaded.

Susannah reached for some dressing and tried to hold it against Todd's now bleeding arm. He pushed her hand away. Susannah handed him the gauze. "Here, put pressure on that if you want it to stop bleeding."

Todd then noticed his arm and held the gauze on it. "Okay, now my arm is fine, can I go?" Todd wanted desperately to stay in control and not go away he was afraid if he went away they would lock him up for good.

"Todd, I'm sorry, but you do have to stay here. I don't want you to hurt yourself," Susannah said gently but firmly.

"I'm not gonna hurt myself! I just want to go home. Viki! Tell her I can go home with you. Viki?" Todd looked desperately at his sister. When Viki said nothing Todd realized what was going on. "Oh God! Viki, WHAT DID YOU DO!" He screamed.

He was now in a total panic. Todd took as deep a breath as his broken ribs would allow. "I said I'm leaving. You can't stop me." He tried to sound in control.

"Sweetheart, listen to me," Viki began, "I know you are really frightened and you feel as if we are ganging up on you, but you have to stay here for just a little while longer. I promise you it won't be for long."

"And we'll be here all the time, every day, just like we are now," Sam added, wanting Todd to know he wasn't being abandoned.

Todd's head started to hurt, a lot. He knew if he didn't fight it, he would go away and if he did they would lock him away forever. He knew he could no longer count on Sam or Viki because Susannah had convinced them to commit him.

Sam put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd pushed Sam away hard enough to send him crashing into the night table.

Susannah went to the phone, "I need assistance with an agitated patient in 403," she said.

Todd was now engulfed in pain. His head felt as if it would explode. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands.

Sam reached over to hold the gauze on Todd's still bleeding arm.

"That won't be necessary Mr. Rappaport," "Todd" said, lifting "his" head up from his hands, "I can do it myself, but thank you anyway."

Neither Sam nor Viki nor Susannah had ever heard this voice before. "Mr. Rappaport are you all right? I hope you weren't injured."

"I'm fine. Are you all right?" Sam asked, knowing he was no longer speaking to Todd.

"Of course I am and so is Todd. Doctor Hanen, Mrs. Carpenter, Mr. Rappaport, please excuse Todd's atrocious behavior. He really wasn't feeling well. I'm sorry I had to make his head hurt. I can't tell you how much having to do that distresses me. However, he really needed to come inside to rest and he was fighting it so. I hope you know I take no joy in hurting Todd." This last statement was directed at Viki.

"Will you tell us your name?" Susannah inquired.

"Oh my, I'm sorry. In all the confusion I forgot. How rude of me. My name is Miss Perkins, Emily Perkins. You don't have to worry. Todd is safe with me." When a tech and a nurse came into Todd's room Susannah told them they could leave. She wouldn't be needing them.

TO BE CONTINUED

---

---

COPYRIGHT 1998 R/S

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page