PREVIOUSLY

Todd: (Opens his eyes. Almost a whisper:) One question.

Tea: (Quietly:) Yes?

Todd: (With great difficulty, pausing. Then, almost whispering again:) Do I make you happy?

Tea: (Whispering back:) Oh, yes. (Squeezes his arm against her.)

Todd: (Closes his eyes. Breathes a sigh of relief against her neck. Breathing calms down as he nuzzles his face in her hair and draws her still closer against his body.)

[Scene ends.]

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[Scene: Morning. Todd and Tea rest in Todd’s bed. Todd awakens to see Tea has turned around to face him, her face snuggled against his chest and under his chin. He looks at her, surprised at first, and then very touched. He moves as close as he can to her and snuggles her close against him, kissing and nuzzling her hair tenderly. He buries his face in her hair, closes his eyes, and appears to fall asleep again.]

[Scene: Publisher's Office, The Sun.]

Blair: (Sitting at Todd's desk typing up her notes into a file online.) Ooooh, this is very good! I think I've got the goods on Asa now. Bo will never know what hit him when he finds out Asa was faking, and neither will Clint or Viki. I'm so glad Nigel was so uncomfortable with that whole charade he finally spilled to Kelly and confirmed what she heard, of all people. These are great notes, Kelly. (Cackles happily to herself while typing from her notes.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Later that day. Dr. Boyd's office.]

Dr. Boyd: Now that we've rescheduled this session, last time you said you wanted to tell your family about the nightmares and you told me on the phone that you have. How was it?

Todd: Hard. (Rolls silver lighter around and around in his palm, fidgeting with it but not looking at what he's doing. In awe:) Tea, she let me hold her last night so I could sleep.

Dr. Boyd: Good! Hard, in what way?

Todd: (Ashamed, not making eye-contact:) I couldn't handle it.

Dr. Boyd: Were you able to tell them at all? You said you had.

Todd: Oh, I told them the whole memory. I-I just couldn't handle it.

Dr. Boyd: In what way?

Todd: (Hesitates.) Pete was there.

Dr. Boyd: I see.....

Todd: (Stammering a bit:) Pete.... he -- he w-wants to be me. When he tries, he screws things up. More than I do, even. He thinks he's helping, but he's not.

Dr. Boyd: I know. I've heard the tape. Why was Pete there?

Todd: (Looks up sharply at Boyd.) You believe me? You believe that was Pete?

Dr. Boyd: On the tape? Yes. If you tell me Pete helped you tell them about the nightmare, I can believe it.

Todd: Yeah. Pete handled some of it. (More quietly:) I... I lost ... control.

Dr. Boyd: What was that like for you?

Todd: Scary. Pete's very violent, he's like my Dad. I didn't know what he'd do and I couldn't stop him. Pete's a scary dude. (Grips lighter in fist, as if he's grabbed it back from Pete, sets lips a moment, eyes go blank a moment. Looks at Boyd.) He attacked Sam.

Dr. Boyd: But he did eventually stop?

Todd: (A little subdued:) Yeah.

Dr. Boyd: Was anyone hurt?

Todd: (Quietly:) No.

Dr. Boyd: What stopped Pete this time?

Todd: Tea. She talked to me when Pete was out. It was like I walked toward Tea's voice in my head as she talked to me outside, and Pete backed off. He gave me a hell of a headache, though. He wanted to stay out, but I pushed past him.

Dr. Boyd: What brought Pete out?

Todd: (Slightly evasive tone:) Something Sam did.

Dr. Boyd: Can you tell me?

Todd: (Upset:) Sam lied to me. He's never lied to me before. Betrayed yes, lied no.

Dr. Boyd: Was it a big lie, or a little one?

Todd: Big. Big to me. (Plays with lighter, turning it in his hand repeatedly, as if unaware of his fidgeting.)

Dr. Boyd: Can you tell me?

Todd: (Pauses, grasps lighter.) He lied about something about Tea. I knew about it from Tea, but to confront Sam was something else.

Dr. Boyd: And Pete came out to defend Tea?

Todd: To protect me.

Dr. Boyd: From?

Todd: Sam. Felt really betrayed by Sam. Look, he's like the Dad I wish I'd had and he's mostly been there when I needed him. Like I said, he even stood up to Peter a few times for me growing up. Nobody stood up to my Dad. They were over little things, but they were huge things to me because someone defended me at all. God, that's sappy. Nobody ever defended me growing up, except for that.

Dr. Boyd: Not so sappy at all. So catching Sam in a lie was one thing --

Todd: But catching him lying about something to do with Tea's safety, I--I--I.... lost it. I was pretty worked up over telling them about the dream.

Dr. Boyd: I know. Has your stomach begun to settle?

Todd: Not really. Some.

Dr. Boyd: Where were you when Tea was in danger? She was in danger?

Todd: Yes. It was after the tape got played and everyone was so sure I had been faking and they'd all had a piece of me. I ran off. She got trapped in the cabana and it caught on fire. Sam and I found her and he took her to the hospital and took credit for it there and for getting her breathing again, when he didn’t even believe me when I'd told him I knew she was in there, and we broke the door down.

Dr. Boyd: Why was she locked in?

Todd: (Yelling, gripping the lighter tightly in his fist:) She wasn't locked in there!! The door jammed!!

Dr. Boyd: I see. I apologize. Had it been jamming earlier?

Todd: (Trying to calm down.) Yes. Delgado knew it, too. We argued about the tape. I left and it jammed again behind me. My wife was trapped inside. She'd... sent me away. (Sees lighter in fist, stares a moment, puts it away in pocket of blazer.)

Dr. Boyd: I remember when you proposed to her in the diner. She makes you happy.

Todd: Yes, she does. Tea's the only girl for me. I wouldn't've left her if I'd known she was in any danger. I'd die for her, that's why I ran off.

Dr. Boyd: I can see that you love Tea very much.

Todd: I do, but when I try to tell her or show her it all goes wrong, or I get too scared. It's the same with everyone but Starr. Starr makes me happy, too. She's the best little girl in the world. My daughter knows her Daddy loves her.

Dr. Boyd: Do you think your father loved you?

Todd: He hated me. But he was my Dad, you know? (He looks vulnerable, his eyes glassy. Quietly emotional:) All I ever wanted was for my Dad to love me and be proud of me. (Looks very sadly at Dr. Boyd. There is a long pause.) There was a night...... (seems to stop breathing and hold himself very still, staring into space in front of him, but not at Boyd.)

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) What about that night?

Todd: (Closes his eyes a moment. Suddenly draws a deep breath, as if coming to the surface again, pants a little. Opens eyes, staring into space, very quietly as if reporting something he is reliving:) We were alone, Mom had already left.... We were traveling or something, me and my Dad, and there was only the one bed. I thought he'd make me sleep on the floor, or the couch if he were being nice, my Dad was really tall and he hated me anyway, so I was sure he'd take the bed for himself.

Dr. Boyd: He didn't?

Todd: (Quietly:) No.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) Where did you sleep, Todd?

Todd: (Very quietly:) In the bed with my Dad. Only I didn't sleep.

Dr. Boyd: Did Peter sleep?

Todd: (Quietly:) Yes.

Dr. Boyd: Why didn't you sleep?

Todd: (Looks at Boyd:) I fell asleep at first over on one edge of the bed, facing him. I was exhausted. Then he got in the bed and I woke up, only I don't think he ever knew.

Dr. Boyd: (Carefully:) Did he hurt you again?

Todd: (Quiet again, looks at his wedding ring in his lap, fidgets with it:) Not this night.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) Why couldn't you sleep?

Todd: (Agitated, looks at Boyd:) Because he was there! I barely moved the whole night. I don't even think I was breathing all night.

Dr. Boyd: But you said he didn't hurt you that night.

Todd: (With difficulty:) I wanted..... something....

Dr. Boyd: From Peter?

Todd: (Very sad:) Yeah.... I'm so pathetic.

Dr. Boyd: Why do you say that?

Todd: (Confident, but sad:) Because I am.

Dr. Boyd: What makes you think you're pathetic in this particular context?

Todd: (Hesitant:) I wanted something from him.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) It's ok, I'm not going to judge you if you tell me. I won't call you names or make fun of you if you tell me about that night.

Todd: (Almost childlike:) You won't tell?

Dr. Boyd: I won't tell.

Todd: (Pauses, watching Boyd closely. Very quietly:) I waited all night and couldn't sleep. (Pauses. Almost a whisper:) I wanted my Dad to touch me.

Dr. Boyd: In what way?

Todd: (Still quiet, sounding sad:) The only way he ever did when he wasn't hurting me, when he wasn't leaving me alone.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) Did he molest you?

Todd: (Voice shaky:) For years.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) I'm sorry.

Todd: (Evenly:) It was the only thing close to warmth he ever showed me. (Heavy sigh.) It wasn't every day or every night, but it was just often enough to leave an impression on me.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) And... you wanted... to be touched in a warm way... in the dark in a strange bed away from home? Knowing what he would do was also frightening for you?

Todd: (Losing some of his composure, hugging himself:) I really wanted him to hold me. That's all I wanted from him.

Dr. Boyd: So you were willing to ask him for, or wait for him to, molest you so you would be touched gently?

Todd: (Struggling for composure, nods:) I'm so pathetic.

Dr. Boyd: No, you were a little boy who needed a hug far away from home, whose mother had left him with a monster. That's not pathetic, that's normal. Who else but the monster could you have turned to for any sort of comforting?

Todd: I was so scared. All I ever wanted was for my Dad to love me, and instead he hated my guts from the day I came into that house as a baby. (Upset, teary but not crying:) All I wanted was a hug from my Dad. (Looks up at Dr. Boyd.)

[Scene ends]

[Scene: Three days later. The Sun Publisher's Office.]

Briggs: (Hands Todd some printed materials.) I think you'll find all the emails to date are here. Blair's doing very well.

Todd: I'll read them later.

Briggs: I suggest you -- may I have them back for a moment? (Reaches for the papers from Todd.)

Todd: (Hands them back to Briggs, observes Briggs.)

Briggs: (Leafs through the papers.) Here. This one would seem most useful right now, business-wise.

Todd: (Grabs it from Briggs and reads.)

[Scene Ends.]

[Scene: Two days later. Sam Rappaport's front entrance path. Todd appears, hesitates before ringing the bell, anxiously turns to go, stops. Takes a breath, turns around, faces door, steels himself, rings bell, and waits, looking at his feet.]

Sam: (Answers the door a little distractedly. Surprised:) Oh, Todd! Come on in. What's up?

Todd: (Wary, uncomfortable:) I gotta apologize.

Sam: (A little surprised:) Why?

Todd: (Averts his gaze.) Pete.

Sam: (Sweetly, with concern and affection:) Oooh, hey, Todd.

Todd: No, you don't understand.

Sam: Oh, I-I think I do. (Nodding and looking off into space.)

Todd: (Evenly:) I don't think you do.

Sam: (Looks at Todd, looks away a little.) Maybe I don't.

Todd: I sh-- I shouldn't've come. (Turns to leave.)

Sam: (Cautiously, but firmly:) Todd?

Todd: (Anxious, about to bolt:) I gotta go.

Sam: (Quietly, but firmly:) Please stay.

Todd: (Affected, wavers in the doorway, his back to Sam.)

Sam: (Steadily, quietly:) We need to talk.

Todd: (Bristling:) Not again, Sam.

Sam: (Steadily, quietly:) We do. I don't hate you, Todd.

Todd: No? (Leans head against edge of door.) Why not?

Sam: I don't. I never did.

Todd: (With much emotion, still with his back to Sam:) I'm so ashamed, Sam.

Sam: (Concerned:) About what? (Crosses to face Todd in the doorway.)

Todd: (Emotional, but still composed:) All of it. Why is it that what I fear the most is what happens?

Sam: (Sweet and gentle:) Not always.

Todd: I didn't choose to be crazy. I've been afraid of that my whole life, you know that.

Sam: I do know that. You even talked about that fear as a child. You're not crazy.

Todd: (Can't look at Sam while he speaks quietly:) I nearly lost-it in prison. Especially in Solitary. Sometimes there was no difference between awake and asleep and one nightmare would exchange for another when I opened my eyes, Sam. And the beatings... they were bad, Sam.

Sam: I saw some of the medical reports while preparing your case last fall. You should have sued, those beatings were quite severe. You were and still are happy if people think you’re strong and dangerous. But vulnerable, or crazy? It’s ok to be scared. You’ve never been one to let go of control very much and let people in. Not since your teens. It was different when you were little. You got hard somehow in your teens, like you’d never been as a little boy, not when we met.

Todd: Remember when I said sometimes the truth is the lie and a lie the truth?

Sam: (Wary:) Yeah.

Todd: I was trying to protect you from all this guilt.

Sam: It didn't work.

Todd: (Sighs deeply.) Remember I got into fights at school? Guys would call me a coward or crazy or something. Sometimes I wouldn't fight. I'd just walk away, and often they'd just come after me. Sometimes I'd just let them keep hitting me, I wouldn't fight back. I'd go home and my Dad would beat me if I lost, sometimes even if I won, 'cos I'd been in a fight. I couldn't please him. He wanted me to fight but he'd punish me if I did.

Sam: (Pained:) Oh, Todd. He did?

Todd: (Sad:) Yeah. Other times he'd praise me for it. Egg me on. Especially as I got older and bigger. But I wasn't allowed to fight him off at home. At home I was his "bitch". Sometimes I was just "Daddy's bitch". Do you understand what that means? Do you understand?

Sam: (Quietly:) You were his property, to do with as he pleased. A possession.

Todd: (Closes his eyes:) Yes. He'd run out of women and he'd come after me.

Sam: This is the lie and the truth?

Todd: (Opens his eyes. Painfully:) Yes.

Sam: You talked to me a lot when you were a kid, but you didn't say much about any of this. I saw some of the belt marks on your back and some of the burns on your hands. There were these greatwelts on your back, but you wouldn't talk about them. You'd shrug the subject off usually. You'd tell me you were being 'disciplined', that you'd deserved it. I was horrified. I wracked my brains trying to figure out what to do to help. My Dad had his bad moments, but he never did anything like that.

Todd: It would get worse if I told and he found out about it. I did tell you, a couple times. Little pieces. I couldn't tell you he made me his "bitch". I couldn't describe it. I thought you'd think less of me. There wasn't much you could do so I didn't tell you. My father would have ruined your life if he'd known I'd even told you that much. What could you have done? He'd've made it so you couldn't coach football anymore. I couldn't lose football... or you.

Sam: You knew you were safe with me.

Todd: Whatever. (Looks away.)

Sam: You were. Todd, look at me......

Todd: (Not looking at Sam.) But not inside where it counts, Sam. You said in the cabana -- (looks at Sam) see, I do remember -- after the hostage thing, that I'm your orphan; and that you wished then and when I was a kid that you'd been my Dad. (Looks intensely at Sam:) I wanted that so much, Sam. I used to watch you with Will when he was small, and think that's who I wanted to be. To start all over again and not get hurt this time (looks away), not get left behind. Just be loved and accepted.

Sam: I wish I could have given you that, but I couldn't.

Todd: (Looks at Sam. Evenly:) You did the best you could. It's not your fault.

Sam: I always wanted to do more for you. I wasn't as good a Dad to you as I wanted to be and you needed me to be.

Todd: But that's just it: You're not my Dad. Both my Dads are dead. You're not my father. (Shouting:) Thank god, you're not my father! (Tries to look away.)

Sam: (Looking hard at Todd, trying to keep Todd's gaze:) Or what, Todd?

Todd: (Looks at his feet.)

Sam: (Trying to catch Todd's eyes without touching him, moves to take Todd by the chin, thinks better of it, withdraws his hand back to his side.) Look at me! (Ducks down a little, trying to see Todd's eyes.) Or what? C'mon. Look at me!

Todd: (Hesitates. Then quietly:) Or I'd have to hate you, too, Sam. (Can't look at Sam, turns head so he is looking to his right, away from Sam, upset.)

Sam: (Looks very sad and concerned.) Oh, Boomer. Oh. I wish I could take some of your pain away. Some of your fear.

Todd: (Upset and prickly, looks at Sam:) But you can't, all right?! You can't. You're not my father, and you can't (mockery, making quote marks sign with fingers:) "make it all better". You just can't, it's too late. Nobody can.

Sam: (Gently, as if caressing Todd with his voice:) It's not too late. You're still here, it's not too late while you're still alive.

Todd: (Holds Sam's gaze. Quietly:) Yeah, it is, Sam. I'm already too broken to salvage. Too crippled. I'm so dead inside.

Sam: You're not. I love you, Todd.

Todd: That's just pity, Sam, pity for a small boy. How did you put it on my wedding night? A "sad, lonely, damaged little boy"? I didn't choose you. You chose me as your orphan to love. That's what you called me in the cabana last summer.

Sam: Oh, you did, though. You responded to me by staying after Practice many times and throwing the football with me, by coming early to Practice after school, by hanging around me. You were often pretty quiet, just there. Usually you hung back from the crowd and just watched people. I used to wonder what you were thinking as I saw you watching me or someone else. I know you'd get into trouble at school for mouthing off at people, or acting up in class, or not doing your work. And sometimes, sometimes you came to me and talked with me, told me things you obviously never spoke a whisper to anyone else about. You told me you hated school.

Todd: (Not looking at Sam.) I don't know how you got me to open up. It's so dangerous.

Sam: You were a genuinely funny, sweet little boy, and always bright. You were a terror on the field, though. That's how you got your name.

Todd: I was a good football player.

Sam: Probably the best I've ever coached.

Todd: (Looks briefly at Sam and down again.)

Sam: I just listen to you. Sometimes not nearly close enough, I now see. I will try hard to listen better to you. You seemed so hungry for that, but also so scared you would be heard, somehow. I gradually came to know why, and wished I could protect you. All I could give you really was football, and a little time away from Peter. I never knew until the last few years how bad it had been for you. I wish I could have just taken you in as my own. Lindsay would have had a fit --

Todd: (Quietly:) She hates me, you know. She's angry at all the time you spent on me growing up and blames me for it.

Sam: The real one to blame is Peter.

Todd: (Still not looking at Sam:) I know that. Sometimes.

Sam: Peter wasn't much of a Dad to you, but you needed a Dad, and you needed a good home. He could never give you that. I'm so sorry I couldn't give you that. I gave you what I could and hoped that it helped.

Todd: (Far away look. Quietly:) My fathers are all dead.

Sam : (Observes Todd:) But not all of them are dead. C'mere. (Closes the door gently. Opens his arms to Todd.)

Todd: (Looks at Sam, wary, incredulous. Hesitates, wary and uncertain.)

Sam: (Remains open, waiting and observing. They watch each other’s eyes.)

Todd: (Steps to Sam tentatively and holds on tight, his hands balled up, burying his face in Sam's shoulder at first and then resting his chin there. Eyes shut tightly.)

Sam: (Holds Todd closely and firmly.) It's ok, Todd. Daddy's here. (Kisses him, holds him protectively and close.) No one's gonna hurt my boy.

Todd: (Seems to gasp, and hold his breath a moment. Tears up, his eyes still closed tight. Lets his breath go in what seem like sobs. Takes another breath and holds it.)

Sam: (Strokes Todd's head.) I've got you, Todd. You're ok.

Todd: (Melts, exhaling, fists opening against Sam's back, seems about to cry despite great effort to suppress it. His nostrils flaring, tears escape down his cheeks.)

Sam: (Holds Todd and strokes the back of his head gently, eyes closed.)

Todd: (Now more obviously cries on Sam's shoulder.)

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED