TRIALS OF THE HEART - PART THIRTEEN

PREVIOUSLY

"Sure, Commissioner. Whatever you say," said Ryan putting away the handcuffs. "C'mon, Manning. Let's go." He tugged gently on Todd's upper arm. His charge put his shoulders back, lifted his head and walked swiftly across the squad room, glaring at any curious on-lookers. In the doorway on the other side, he stopped and turned back a moment, locking eyes with the commissioner across the room. The two men stared at each other, perhaps reassessing what they thought they knew about the other. Finally, at the prompting of his guard, Todd pulled away and disappeared down the hallway. Bo grabbed his coat, and headed out of the station without another word to anyone. He needed a drink badly.

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Court had adjourned early that afternoon and Todd was locked up alone in his cell. He could hear rain beating against the frosted glass in the barred window, and as a thunderclap rolled over, he remembered wistfully the way his daughter Starr loved to jump into puddles on the sidewalk. The storm made the jail cooler and darker, and definitely more depressing than ever. He sat against the back wall on the built-in bench, looking at some drawings by Starr that were his most precious possession. Because of the chill, he wore the shirt of his jail uniform, although the sleeves were still rolled up. His feet were covered in dirty white socks as he sat cross-legged, and his hair was loose. Usually, thoughts of his child could cheer him up a bit, but it wasn't working this time. The combination of the loneliness and gloom, coupled with worry over the final days of the trial, was pulling him into the depths of despair.

His brooding was interrupted as Bo Buchanan was locked into the cell. He carried two cups of coffee from a premium shop and a small paper bag. The two men hadn't met since their confrontation in Bo's office almost a month before, and the commissioner took a moment to observe the prisoner. He had lost 10-15 pounds from his already lean frame, and after spending the summer months in jail, his face was a pallid white, in contrast to Bo's robust tan. Now he looked at his captor with lifeless eyes and grimaced. His fingers ran through his hair.

"Look, Commissioner, I'm really not up for any mind games today," he said weakly. "If you have even an ounce of humanity, leave me alone in my misery."

Bo was caught off guard by the absence of Todd's usual defiance. He tried to tell himself it wasn't pity he was feeling as he sat down on the lower bunk bed. Stretching out his hand, he offered one of the coffee cups to the other man. Todd stared at it listlessly. "C'mon, Manning. It's the good stuff-not that over-brewed burnt-tasting crap from the squad room, and it's hot." Todd took it without much interest. "Cookie?" asked Bo holding out the bag. A negative shake of the head was his answer.

"Why are you here?" asked Todd in a strained voice. "I thought we agreed we had nothing to say to each other."

Bo took a deep breath. "I was mistaken when I said that. I've been giving it a lot of thought while I was on my fishing trip, and I've come to the conclusion I owe you an apology."

Todd's head turned and for the first time he looked interested. "An apology? For what? Condemning me to spend the rest of the summer in this hellhole and then riding off into the great outdoors yourself?"

"No. I don't regret blocking your bail petition. You're a convicted felon."

"Right," said Todd, eyes riveted on the distant window. "And an ex-con can never get a break." He sighed deeply.

"I want to apologize for attempting to use your daughter to manipulate you that night in my office. I had no right." Todd got abruptly to his feet and walked across the cell to the door. He rested one arm on a crossbar and gripped an upright bar with the other.

"You had no right, Bo, but you did it anyway. To you I'm nothing but scum."

"You've never shown me anything else, Manning."

Todd turned around and leaned back against the bars with his arms crossed. "You know, when I got my pardon from the governor and they let me out of Statesville, I swore that I'd try to move on and put that part of my life behind me. But you won't let me forget it, Bo. Look at all the time I've spent locked up in here for other people's crimes. Whenever there is a rape or a murder in this town, I'm the first person you think of. I've built a business, tried to do good in the community, raise my daughter right, but none of it makes any difference. Because to you I'll always be that drunken college kid that let his anger get away from him one spring night." He turned away, bitterness in his eyes.

Bo was silent, staring at the other man's back. He remembered with guilt the green file he had locked in the bottom drawer of his desk. "This is really getting to you, isn't it Manning?" he said with a note of surprise in his voice. "Being locked up, I mean."

"I could take everything, all your sadistic little humiliations, if it wasn't for the thought of my little girl out there without me." He put his head down in defeat, staring at the floor outside of the cell.

Bo moved a little closer. "The trial is winding down. You might be walking out of here a free man in a few days."

Todd snorted. "Yeah, right," he said in a choked voice. He looked at the dying light in the window. "You give me your word, Commissioner. This feud ends with us. Promise me you won't take your hatred out on Starr when I'm gone."

"Do you think I'm that low, Manning? Of course I won't hurt your little girl!" He moved up next to the younger man and watched him with interest. "I'll leave you now. Is there anything I can get for you?" Todd shook his head and stepped away from the bars as the guard unlocked the door. He watched in silence as the door slid shut again.

The two men locked eyes and stared at each other a moment through the bars. "Look Manning, you probably won't believe this, but I get no pleasure from making you suffer. And I'm sorry your little girl got caught up in this mess." Todd remained silent as Bo exited the outer gate. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, he brought his hands up to his ears so he couldn't hear the rain.

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Tea lay stomach down on the lower bunk working intently on a laptop computer. Her stockinged feet were crossed over her bottom as she bit into her lower lip. She was dressed casually in slacks and a sweater and her hair was clipped up loosely away from her face. Todd sat on the floor next to her looking through the late edition of the Sun. A discarded pizza box and two empty soda cans rested nearby. The rain was still audibly pelting the window and they both jumped as a loud thunderclap reverberated through the cell. "Madre de Dios!" said Tea. "This is quite a storm!" Looking at the back of her husband's head, she reached out to smooth his hair and was surprised to see him flinch, although he immediately relaxed under her touch. "What's wrong, Todd?" she asked. "Something is bothering you tonight."

"The weather just makes this place so much more depressing," he said.

She swatted him playfully on the shoulder. "C'mon, Manning. I'm not buying it. You're talking to the woman who can see right through your line of bull. Tell me."

"You know, Delgado, you don't have to stay here and baby-sit me. There's no reason for you to suffer. You could be home at the penthouse enjoying a nice warm fire and a snifter of brandy."

"All alone?" she snorted. " I'm here because I want to be here. Now tell me what gives."

"Bo was in here again today," he said quietly.

"What?" she said angrily. "I heard he was back from his trip, but he certainly didn't waste any time getting back into the habit of torturing you. He didn't try to coerce a confession from you again, did he? Because this time I'll…."

"He apologized."

"Huh?"

"He said he shouldn't have used Shorty to get to me." Todd seemed far away for a moment. "I can't figure out what he wanted this time. I'm getting some really weird vibes from him and it's got me spooked," he confessed.

Tea quickly saved her work, closed the computer and gently set it on the floor. She scooted as close to the wall as she could get and patted the coarse blanket next to her. "Lay down with me for a little while, Todd," she coaxed.

"Delgado, please! We're in a jail cell. The guard…"

"Todd," she said in exasperation, "we're not going to do anything. I just want to be close to you. And the guard can't see around corners."

He hesitated a moment, then stretched out next to her on the narrow bunk. They leaned on their elbows, faces almost touching. His right hand rested on her hip as he steadied himself. Tea reached out and pushed a few strands of his hair behind his ear. "This is nice," she murmured.

Todd looked into her deep brown eyes. "Tea," he asked in a tired voice, "do you ever think about what would have happened if you hadn't called Sam from Niagara Falls that night? We could be on a beach somewhere right now."

"Looking over our shoulders and cut off from everyone who loves us."

He turned on his back and looked at the springs of the upper bunk. "That doesn't sound so bad right now," he sighed. Tea stroked the goatee on his chin.

"Look," she said. "We've only got a couple of more days before this case goes to the jury. Depending on how long it takes them to reach a verdict, you could be out of here in ten days, maybe less."

Looking at her face as though memorizing it, he said, "That's not going to happen, Tea, and you know it."

"Can't you ever be optimistic, Todd?" she complained. "If the worst happens and you're sent to Statesville…"

"I'm not going to Statesville," he said in a quiet voice.

"Well, that's a better attitude, but if they do convict…"

"No, you're not listening to me. I'm not going to Statesville whether they convict me or not."

She stopped stroking his face and stared at him, her face suddenly white. "You're not saying…"

"If it comes down to that, I'll find a way to end it," he said softly.

"Todd, no!" she shouted. "Don't talk like that! A guilty verdict isn't the end! There's the appeal process and we could find the killer and clear you! Look at me!" she insisted. "Look at me!" When she had his attention, she said, "I will never give up and I won't abandon you, no matter what happens. I'm your wife and I'll be there for you."

"Tea, you don't understand," he said swallowing hard. "Statesville isn't like this. There won't be any pizza and cuddling. Just 30 minutes together every two weeks, staring at each other through plate glass and talking into a microphone. I won't do that to you, and I won't do that to myself."

"I'll take it, Todd," she said forcefully. "I'll take whatever I can get until we have the second chance I've been dreaming about. But you've just got to hold on and not give up!"

He shook his head, looking miserable. "I can't do it this time," he whispered. "Every time I feel the steel around my wrists or hear the bars slam shut, it's like I can hear my old man saying 'You're worthless. You're a loser,' and just like then, I have to take it-everything: the taunting, the pushing, the abuse; because fighting it just makes it worse." He was close to tears.

Tears slipped down Tea's face as she saw the pain in his eyes. "Todd, when you went to Statesville last time you thought it was for life and look what happened! You got a pardon from the governor and were set free!"

"That was a miracle, Tea, and you only get one of those in a lifetime."

"But you didn't give up! You didn't try to take your own life!"

"Actually, I almost did," he said quietly. "I got a hold of some pills in the infirmary and…"

"So why didn't you do it?" she asked.

"It was the kids, CJ and Sarah," he said in a faraway voice.

"Your niece and nephew?"

"Yeah, but I didn't know they were related then. They thought I was a genie, some kind of hero, and they got this petition going to get me freed. I didn't want to disappoint them, so…"

"Todd, listen to yourself! If you stayed alive for those kids then, why can't you do it for Starr now? She's your daughter, for heaven's sake!"

"She'll be better off without me." He reached up quickly and covered his wife's mouth before she could speak. "You know she will, Tea." She shook her head vigorously. He sighed and said, "I was different, then. I believed I could walk out of prison and change myself, that I had a chance at a normal life. But look at what happened. No matter what I did, I was always Todd the rapist. I tried to make it up to Marty, and I almost got killed in Ireland. I tried to make a life with Blair, and she betrayed me. And then there is you, Delgado. Face it, you'd have been better off if you never met me!"

"No," she said, tears streaming down her face. "No. It's like the song says, 'I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.'" She broke down sobbing on his chest. He could feel her hot tears soaking through his shirt.

"C'mon, Delgado," he said staring straight up and fighting back tears of his own. "It's not like it will be that big of a loss." He brought his arm up and slid his hand up and down her back as she was wracked with sobs. His other hand cupped her chin and forced up her head so they were face to face again. "I only have two regrets," he said wiping gently at her tears. "One is leaving Shorty the same way my mother…" He couldn't go on, and swallowed hard. He looked deeply into her eyes. His voice a mere whisper, he said, "The other is all the time I wasted with you, Tea. I was a fool. If I'd been able to love like a normal person, I'd have stayed with you the night I proposed, instead of tramping around the woods getting set up for murder."

Emotionally overwrought, Tea put her head back down on his chest and gave into the tears again. "You have to promise me something, Delgado," he said in a weak voice. "Promise you'll stick close to Shorty. Tell her how much I loved her."

"If you love her, then don't do this, Todd!" said Tea, lifting her head and banging her fist on his chest. "Don't do it to me!" She collapsed again.

"Blair will probably remarry. If she sticks with Coach, Shorty will have the best. He's a better father than I'll ever be."

" Sam is great, but he'll never be her father, just like I can't be her mother," said Tea through the tears.

"But if Blair gets sucked in again by Holden…heck, the guy has three kids and no one ever sees them. He's probably got them chained in an attic somewhere. Tea, promise me you'll get between that relationship any way you can." Another thunderclap rattled the panes in the window.

Todd gave up talking and just held Tea while she cried, listening to the rain falling outside. After a while, her sobbing subsided and she lay quietly with her cheek pressed against his shoulder and her hand resting over his heart. The late hours preparing legal briefs and the emotional overload of the last hour finally took their toll and her slow, even breathing told Todd she was asleep. When he was sure of it, he adjusted his grip and crushed her sleeping body tightly to him, kissing the top of her head again and again. Finally, he let the tears come, and lay quietly on his back as they slipped down the sides of his face and into his hair. "I love you, Tea," he whispered. "Remember that."

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As Officer Raul Rodriguez came on duty that night, he was surprised to learn that the prisoner was still consulting with his lawyer. Things were a bit hectic in the station that night, as many officers had been called off to deal with flash flooding caused by the storm. The previous guard had lost track of the time and Tea had been left in with Todd long after visiting hours were over. The worst of the rain had passed, and as Rodriguez unlocked the outer gate, he could hear only the occasional drop of water dripping from the eaves of the building. He entered the cell and found the couple in each other's arms, both fast asleep on the lower bunk. They looked peaceful, and the policeman fought off the sudden memory of his own overwhelming loss. With genuine regret, he reached over and gently woke them.

TO BE CONTINUED