TRIALS OF THE HEART - PART TEN

PREVIOUSLY

Todd slowly unhooked his fingers from the window grill. "She left me again, Coach," he said in a strained voice.

"I know, Pal," said Sam reaching his arm around and holding Todd tightly. "She'll be back, I promise.

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"All right, Todd, I'm out of here," shouted Blair angrily as she stood up and began gathering her things. "You can sit and stare at nothing all you want now. Have fun!" She turned toward the gate leading to the jail corridor. Coming out of his thoughts, Todd quickly removed his foot from the bars and stood up.
"Blair, wait!" he said, clutching the barrier between them. "You didn't finish telling me about Briggs."
"I did, Todd! You just weren't paying attention!" Blair sighed and moved closer to the cell door so she was looking him in the eye. "Why do you let her do this to you? She isn't worth it!"
Todd turned away. "You know I don't discuss my marriage with anyone, especially you," he said menacingly.
Since the trial had started, Blair had been coming by once or twice a week to talk to him about business at The Sun, the newspaper she was running in his absence. She always made a point of asking his advice about some detail that she was perfectly capable of handling herself. Todd realized that Blair was trying to distract him from his troubles, and part of him balked at the overt show of pity. But his ex-wife also had the one thing he craved most in the world: news about their daughter, Starr. The current lack of the little girl in his life was like an open, gaping wound, and he was grateful to Blair for any crumbs of information that she was willing to share. Tonight, she had been particularly solicitous, even smuggling in some food from his favorite Chinese take-out place, but Todd was in no mood for chitchat, even about his beloved daughter.
"So Sammy lover-boy has been filling your head with my private business," he spat.
"He didn't tell me much, Todd, but your foul temper tonight has filled in all the blanks. So Tea ran out on you again, huh? I'm so shocked," she said derisively.
"Stay out of it, Blair," he warned.
"So she can't decide if she wants to be a wife or a lawyer," she said through the bars. "I told you she was just a gold-digging opportunist! Now she's afraid you might go to prison and the gravy train will be derailed!"
"That's enough, Blair!" shouted Todd, grabbing the bars. "You don't know a thing about Delgado. I've put her through a lot, and she needs some time to sort things out. If she leaves, well….it's not like I didn't give her good reason."
"Oh, Todd," sighed Blair in frustration. "You'll never believe you deserve happiness like anyone else." She looked profoundly sad.
He turned his back on her. "Don't analyze me," he said in a tired voice. "And keep your nose out of my personal business."
"All right. But just remember that Starr is your priority. You need to concentrate on getting yourself acquitted so our little girl can have her Daddy back. Beyond that, I couldn't care less about your relationship with Tea."
Walking to the back of the cell, he surveyed the growing collection of Starr's artwork and photographs hung on the wall. "Blair? Do you think you could bring Shorty here to see me again?" he asked quietly.
Blair drew her breath in sharply. Todd didn't usually show his hand so easily, and it was obvious that he was feeling desperate tonight. She had to admit that she hated seeing him look so defeated. He stood in the middle of the cell with his arms wrapped across his chest, looking at her with pain clearly visible in his eyes. "We agreed that isn't a good idea, Todd," she said softly. "We've been lucky that she hasn't figured out that you're in jail. But she's a smart little girl, and if I bring her here again, I just know she'll start to ask a lot of questions. I didn't think you wanted her to know, at least not unless…" Blair broke off abruptly and looked away.
"Unless we have to tell her that I'm not coming back," finished Todd. He looked beaten as he approached her again, running his fingers through his hair. "You're right. It's just that I…." He turned away.
"You miss her," said Blair, barely controlling her own emotions. "She misses you, too, Todd. You're both strong. You'll get through this, I know it, and this will all be like a bad dream." Trying to lighten the mood, she said, "Starr loves the stories you've been sending her. She makes me read them to her over and over."
Todd shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. "What else am I supposed to do in here? At least she knows I'm thinking about her."
A young officer, who obviously worshipped Blair from afar, interrupted them. "I'm sorry, Ms. Cramer," he said, staring at her in adoration, "but visiting hours are over."
"OK, Tim," said Blair in a tired voice. She picked up her jacket and handbag from the chair, and turned back toward her ex-husband inside the cell. "Hang in there, OK?" He didn't acknowledge her, and kept his head turned away as she followed the young policeman through the outer door to the hallway.

When he was alone again, Todd slowly picked up a new masterpiece by Starr that Blair had brought him. He rummaged in the untidy pile of the few personal belongings he was allowed to have and pulled out a role of adhesive tape. Slapping the paper against the wall, he attached it with the tape, then stepped back to survey his handiwork. His eyes roamed over the various drawings, collages and photographs that made up his personal gallery. Giving in to his rage, he reached out quick as a snake and snatched a photograph of Tea from the wall. He started to tear the photo in half. As he brought it up in front of his face, he stopped and stared at it intently, gritting his teeth. Bit by bit, all his muscles relaxed and he slowly sank to the floor. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he rested his forearm on them and gazed at the photo with tears in his eyes.

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The elevator door opened and Viki Carpenter stepped into the hallway. She stood before the door marked PH2 for a moment, shifting her burden. Absent-mindedly, she fiddled with the peach roses one more time. They looked exquisite in the antique crystal vase in her arms. The Banner publisher had been to three florists before she found adequate replacements for the ones her brother had destroyed that afternoon. Taking a deep breath and pasting a smile on her face, Viki rang the doorbell. Nothing happened for a long, long time. Frowning, she was reaching for the doorbell again when the door finally opened a crack. Her sister-in-law Tea Delgado peeked out, only revealing her red-rimmed dark brown eyes.
"I believe these are yours," said Viki, trying to sound cheerful. Tea stared at the roses and said nothing. Viki heard sniffling, and noticed the eyes filling with tears. Softly, she asked, "May I come in, Tea?"
Tea swallowed. "This is a real bad time, Viki. Didn't Sam tell you I have a migraine?"
"Yes, he did, but I suspect it might be more than your head that is bothering you." Viki looked with sympathy at the other woman. "Please, Tea." The door slowly swung open. The well-dressed matriarch marched purposefully to the dining room table and set the vase down, taking one more moment to arrange the flowers satisfactorily. She stepped back, appraising. "The vase looks like it was made for that table. Why don't you keep it for a while?" Finally, she turned and got a good look at her sister-in-law.
Tea was dressed in a stretched-out, faded red sweatshirt and oversized sweat pants. Her usually perfectly coifed hair was tangled and plastered to her head, and the lovely face was puffy and streaked with traces of stale make-up. Looking wistfully at the roses, she asked, "So you know what happened?"
"Only what Sam was able to pull out of Todd, which wasn't much. He upset you somehow…"
"No! It wasn't his fault, Viki." The young woman turned in frustration to the picture window over-looking downtown Llanview. "Todd was sweet and attentive. Affectionate, even." She shook her head slightly. "And he has been for the last few weeks. He's completely different."
"I'm not surprised, Tea. Being in jail has given him a lot of time to think about how bleak life can be when he's alone. Now that he's in danger of losing the chance, he desperately wants to show you how much you mean to him."
"Can he really have changed that much?" asked Tea in disbelief.
"It's what you've always wanted for him, Tea," said Viki soothingly.
"Then why did it frighten me so much today, Viki?" asked Tea. She put her head down and sobbed, letting her sister-in-law guide her to the sofa. Sensing that she needed some time alone, Viki disappeared into the kitchen. In a few minutes, she returned carrying a tray with a teapot, a plate of small sandwiches and some cookies. She had removed the coat to her designer suit and had a dishtowel wrapped around her waist.
"You look like you haven't eaten anything," she said, clearing off the coffee table and setting down the tray. "My children tease me, but I was raised to believe that almost anything can be fixed by a pot of tea." Removing some papers from the table, Viki spotted a beautiful diamond and gold pendant lying in a tangled heap. She held it up, noticed the engraved initials marking both sides of the charm, and looked at her sister-in-law with pity.
"You're just like Carlotta. She thinks food is the great cure-all," said Tea through her tears. "But there are some things that just can't be fixed."
"Thank you for the compliment. I admire Carlotta greatly." Viki sat down on the sofa and poured two cups of tea. She looked thoughtful. "Tea, I guess I'm having a hard time understanding this. How many conversations did we have where you told me how frustrated you were that Todd would shut down every time you were getting closer? Well, excuse me, but it looks like you've done exactly the same thing today."
"Don't you think I know it, Viki?" sobbed Tea, covering her face with her hands. "I'm so ashamed of myself. I, of all people, know how much it hurts to have someone run away from intimacy, and yet I did it anyway! I can't tell you why."
"That should be obvious. You're frightened of losing Todd to prison. But beyond that, you're terrified of your feelings and wondering whether or not you can trust Todd not to hurt you again. Isn't that it?"
"I guess so. All I know is that things have gone too far. I want to remain impassive and be a good lawyer to him, but I just can't keep my feelings out of it." She turned to the older woman. "God help me, but I'm so in love with him I can't think straight!"
"Then use that love to help him! He needs your legal skills, of course. But right now he needs to know that you love him and that you'll stand by him, no matter what lies ahead for either of you."
"I don't think he'll forgive me for today, Viki," said Tea in a very small voice. "I really hurt him."
"And how many times did you forgive him for even greater sins? I think you're wrong. Todd is angry, to be sure, but he understands all too well about fear and what it drives otherwise sane people to do. Talk to him, Tea. Tell him what you just told me. He might just surprise you." Viki reached across and handed her the double "T" pendant. She smiled and briskly started to clear away the dishes. "Now, for my final bit of unwanted advice: go upstairs, take a wonderful hot bubble bath, and get a good night's sleep. Trust me, things will seem clearer after some rest."
Tea let herself smile a tiny bit. "Thanks for the advice, Viki. I sure hope you're right."

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With a few pencil strokes, Todd put the finishing touches on a whimsical sketch of a stuffed rabbit he had drawn in the margin of a yellow legal pad. He had kept himself busy for the last several hours writing another installment of "Mr. Rabbit's Adventures," using all Starr's favorite toys as characters. Satisfied for the moment, he set the notepad down and leaned back against the cinderblock wall. It was another warm night and he was sitting cross-legged on the top bunk, dressed only in a prison-issue white T-shirt and loose denim pants rolled up to mid-calf. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail to keep it from falling into his face as he worked.
He sighed deeply. It was well past midnight and he didn't feel a bit sleepy. Unfortunately, it looked like another long, lonely night. At least the guard was sympathetic and left the lights on long after they were supposed to be turned out. Todd's mind filled with the image of Tea as she had looked that afternoon: tear-streaked face, huge brown eyes, the double "T" necklace clutched in her fist. He shook his head sharply, trying to get rid of the anger and feeling of abandonment. Deep inside his mind, he knew why Tea had done it. He knew because he had suffered the same fear and uncertainty in the past, when he had pulled away from closeness and intimacy. "Poetic Justice," he thought. "I've always hated those words." Now that he had first-hand experience of how truly terrible it felt, he regretted all the times he had shut Tea out of his life. The irony was that being locked away from her for so long had made it crystal clear: besides his freedom, there was nothing he wanted more in this world than a truly loving relationship with his wife.
A phone ringing out in the corridor interrupted Todd's thoughts. It was the payphone for the use of the prisoners, recognizable by its harsh ring. Suddenly, the night guard, Rodriguez, was sliding open his cell door. "Manning, Counselor Delgado is on the phone for you. She said you'd be awake." Feeling panic rising in his chest, Todd leapt down from the top bunk in one, fluid motion. He slipped quickly past the guard and ran through the open barrier to the phone in the corridor. "She said to tell you it wasn't an emergency," shouted the policeman futilely.
"Delgado, what's wrong?" asked Todd, picking up the receiver dangling by its cord.
"Nothing, Todd. Nothing's wrong, I just wanted….needed to hear your voice." He could hear sniffling.
Relief flooded over him and he slowly slid down the wall, until he was seated on the floor. He brushed back some loose hairs from his face. "Are you sure, Delgado?" he asked coldly. "Or now that you've dragged me out here in a panic, maybe you've changed your mind." She drew in her breath sharply.
Officer Rodriguez sat down at his desk and eyed Manning warily. He toyed with a pair of handcuffs. Todd watched him and braced himself, knowing that prisoners from the high security cellblock were usually chained to the wall when using the phone. After a moment, the policeman shrugged, threw the cuffs in a drawer, and took out a magazine. Feeling more relaxed, Todd closed his eyes and said, "Look, Tea, we don't have to do this. It's late and we're both going to say things we'll regret. Just go to sleep and I'll see you in court tomorrow."
"No, what I have to say can't wait, Todd." She swallowed hard.
"Don't worry, I get it," he said in a tired voice. "Lawyer and client only-nothing more. I rot in here, you do whatever it is you do out there, our conversation is limited to the trial. I'm sorry I even tried to…"
"Todd!" she interrupted. "I'm sorry, OK? I freaked, I was a coward, and I ran away because I couldn't deal with my feelings." Her husband sat in silence, not sure what to think. "You, of all people, shouldn't be surprised at that," she said in a small voice. "Todd? Are you there?"
He sighed wearily. "Yeah. Let's not talk about that pathetic attempt at…."
"It wasn't pathetic!" she cried. "It was beautiful, and I apologize for ruining it." After another long silence, she continued, "I didn't realize until today how much the stress of the trial is getting to me. It's not a very good excuse, but I hope you'll forgive me." When he didn't answer, she started to cry softly. "Todd? I really need you to forgive me…"
He covered his eyes with one hand and spoke softly into the receiver in a choked voice. "Delgado, please. Let's just forget it ever happened, OK? It's depressing enough in here." He took a deep breath. "Let's talk about something more pleasant."
"I'm looking at the roses you gave me," she said, sniffing. "Viki brought them over, and they're lovely." His face scrunched up in confusion as he remembered smashing the flowers violently into a trashcan. "Oh, I figured out that the vase is Viki's." She giggled softly, and his face softened at the sound. "And I'm wearing the necklace. Todd, it's the most beautiful gift you've ever given me. I'll never take it off." The image of the charm lying near her heart was a pleasant one, and Todd relaxed, stretching his long legs out in front of him. He felt a slight draft on his body and looked through the barred gate where it originated. Somewhere past the holding cells full of drunks and petty criminals, he knew there was a door open to the outside world. It was a comforting thought and he let his mind take him past the bars and out into the night to Tea's side.
"You're sitting on the staircase, aren't you?" he asked dreamily. "Tell me what you see."
"I see where you are," she answered. "Well, I can't exactly see the police station, but the Civic Center is certainly recognizable. Other than that, I see a beautifully decorated, but utterly lifeless penthouse apartment." She started to sniffle again.
"I've been where you are, Tea, and I know that place can be a prison." He paused for a long moment. "A prison with an air conditioner and a large screen TV…" He was gratified to hear her laugh. "Cold beer, a state of the art stereo…." She continued giggling.
"I take it you wouldn't mind trading places?" she asked playfully.
"Wrong. I'd like to be there with you, Delgado, just spending time together like you always wanted, but I was too stupid and stubborn to try." The silence was long this time.
"I wish you were here too, Todd, but I have very specific ideas for how I'd like to spend the time." A wistful smile flickered on his lips.
"Look, let me make things up to you," she said brightly. "Tomorrow at lunch, I'll get us a couple of sandwiches and we'll eat together. Hey! Maybe the guards will let us take a walk in the police impound yard behind the station!"
"Gee, there's something to look forward to," he said sarcastically.
"Well, at least it's outdoors, and it's got high fences and razor wire to counteract their escape paranoia. I know! We could find a convertible and pretend we're driving along the coast highway with the top down!"
"This from the woman who couldn't pretend a conference room was anything but a conference room," he deadpanned.
"Touché," she laughed.
The guard caught Todd's eye. He was pointing to his watch and making slashing gestures across his throat. "Tea, Rodriguez is making me get off the phone now." He heard a little cry, which made her disappointment evident.
"I guess we've stretched his tolerance to the limit," she said sadly. "I'm glad he let us talk, though. Am I forgiven?"
"Mess up about a million more times and we'll be even, Delgado," he said. "I'd better go before he has a heart attack. See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite."
"Good advice, but nearly impossible in this dump. Night."
"Goodnight!"
Todd stood and slowly hung up the receiver. Taking a deep breath, he padded along the corridor in his bare feet, smoothing back some hair that had come loose from his ponytail. He stopped at the desk and looked at the open door to the cellblock with distaste.
"Is Ms. Delgado all right?" asked Rodriguez.
"Yes. Today was our anniversary and we had a….a…."
"Fight?" asked the guard candidly. He glanced at a framed photograph that sat on his desk. With a faraway look in his eyes he said, "Then I'm glad I let you talk. A married couple shouldn't let things…"
"Those your kids?" asked Todd, anxious to change the subject. "How pathetic is this, Manning?" he asked himself. "You're so desperate to stay out of the cage, you're talking to some shmuck about his kids!"
"Yes. This is Francisco, but we call him Paco. He plays with your daughter at the Angel Square Community Center sometimes," said Rodriguez with a slight Spanish accent. Todd tried to look interested as he told the names of his 3-year-old daughter and his baby.
"And that must be your wife," said Todd, trying to keep the ball rolling on a somewhat stilted conversation. Something about the policeman's face as he drew the photo closer warned Todd that something was wrong.
"She's dead," said the cop quietly. "Killed in a bodega robbery last spring."
Todd slipped soundlessly into a metal folding chair alongside the desk and pulled his knees up to his chest. "That's rough," was all he could think of to say. He looked at the photograph. "Kids shouldn't have to grow up without their mother."
"You ran the story on the front page of the Sun for a few days," said Rodriguez, and Todd felt uncomfortable remembering the meetings with Briggs when they were trying to milk the story for every emotional angle in order to sell a few more newspapers. He prepared himself for an accusation of exploitation, but instead Rodriguez said, "I appreciated that the Sun recognized the loss my children suffered when their mother was killed. The Banner talked about her like she was nothing more than a statistic. It took a rich white lady, Dorian Lord, getting shot before the department brought in the FBI and caught the guy. Guess my wife wasn't good enough for that. The Sun pointed out the double standard in the LPD."
Todd remembered printing just about anything in an attempt to stick it to Commissioner Buchanan at the time. "Why do you stay and work for them?" he asked, feeling the man's resentment toward his employers.
"I need the paycheck for the kids. I'm working the night shift so I can be with them during the day. My mother-in-law stays with them at night, but I can't afford a babysitter. Besides, I don't sleep much. I hate the dreams." Todd stared intently at the happy family photo. Feeling the cop's eyes on him, he turned and they stared at each other a moment. "I guess neither of us has the life we want these days," said Rodriguez sadly.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I'll take my problems over yours any day," answered Todd. Both men sat in silence for a few moments, lost in their own thoughts.
"Well, are you tired? Do you want to go to bed?" asked the officer, picking up the key ring. Todd remained immobile.
"I'd rather stay here for a while, if it's all right," said Todd quietly. Rodriguez opened a desk drawer and threw out a deck of cards.
"Then you'd better earn your keep," said the cop. "Deal the cards."

TO BE CONTINUED