Todd was still sitting with his knees to his chest and whispering. He continued to have a conversation with the voice or voices in his head, only now, every few minutes, he would reach out with his palm facing away from him and move his hand as if he were touching something in front of him, or checking to make sure that it was still there. It was something only he could feel. Viki held on to Sam's hand. She and Sam said nothing to Todd or to each other. They were both so afraid for him. Susannah and Blair quietly came into the room. Sam and Viki turned in their direction. Todd seemed oblivious to them.

Even though Blair had prepared herself for the worst, after what Susannah had just told her, she felt like the air had left the room when she saw Todd. Susannah had to steady her. Blair took a minute to calm down. She took a deep breath and nodded to Susannah.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Blair is here. She came to see you." He did not respond. He just kept on whispering and feeling for something.

Blair looked at Viki and Sam. She could see that they were both extremely upset. Without asking if she should, Blair knelt down to where Todd sat she put her hand on his knee. "Todd, it's Blair. It's me baby. Blair is here. I know you wanted to see me."

Todd's hand froze in midair. He stopped rocking and whispering. He sat perfectly still for a moment. He then moved his hand to the right until he found Blair's face. Blair allowed Todd to run his hand over her face and hair. Todd then "looked" toward the ceiling and smiled. "Blair, I promised to shower you in gold."

Tears ran down Blair's cheeks as she realized Todd was "seeing" gold balloons fall from the ceiling. "I remember baby. I remember," she said softly. She stroked Todd's head.

"Blair, he can't make you pretend. You love Starr. You would die to protect Starr."

"Todd, of course I would. You know that. I would never let anyone hurt our little girl."

Todd pulled Blair's head towards him. "Are we alone?" He whispered in her ear.

"No, sweetie. Viki, Sam, Doctor Hanen and some of the staff are here." Blair replied.

"I want to talk to you alone." Todd whispered. Then in a whisper so low it was barely audible, he said, "They're not real, Blair. They're only pretending. Make them go away."

As frightened for Todd as Blair was, she calmly said, "Todd, honey, I'm looking right at them. They're real. They love you sweetie."

"NO! Blair, don't let them fool you. Don't you let them get to you. I know. He told me. They're pretending. He's making them." Todd started to cry. "Blair, Viki hates me. I walked through the woods looking for her cabin, but she didn't want me there. She sent me away. I don't blame her. She knows. She knows. Sam knows. Doctor Hanen knows. The staff here knows. They all know. Blair, they all know."

"Know what Todd? Tell me what do they all know."

"That I hurt everyone. That I'm no good and worthless and stupid. I hurt everything and I get everyone hurt, or I make them leave and run off. NOOOOO!" Todd shouted and pulled back from Blair so abruptly he not only shocked her, he almost knocked her over.

"Todd, what is it? What's wrong?" Blair was beginning to panic.

"Find him Blair. You have to find him. He ran away. He left me too. Find him he's gonna hurt him. FIND HIM! FIND HIM!" Then whispering again, Todd asked, "can't you hear him? Don't you hear what he's saying?" Todd cowered in his chair. "I didn't tell! I didn't tell! I didn't tell!" Todd started saying to someone only he heard. He reached out for Blair. She took his hand. "Blair, make them go away. I have to tell you. Make them go away."

Blair looked up questioningly at Susannah. She then mouthed, "It's all right."

Susannah knew that Todd could not be out of their site. She ushered Sam, Viki and the staff to stand near the door and away from Todd and Blair. If necessary she and the staff could get to Todd in a seconds time.

"All right baby, we're alone. Tell me what has you so upset? Who do you want me to find?"

"Blair, he's gonna hurt them. They ran off and he's gonna hurt them. You have to stop him. You have to find them and take them away. You have to find them. You have to Blair. I know he can't make you pretend because you'd die for Starr. If he finds them he'll hurt them. He'll destroy them. He does that. Like me. That's what he does. He hurts and destroys everyone. Blair find them. Please! Blair! Blair! Find them. Find them!"

"Todd. Sweetie, slow down a minute. Tell me who you want me to find?"

"Randy and Starr. You know that Blair. Why are you asking me? They ran off because they found out how bad I am. If he finds them he'll hurt them. You have to find them first. I love them and so he'll hurt them because my love is poison. He knows." Todd then put his right hand to his ear and tried to raise his left one too but was stopped by the sling and the pain. "OOOOOH! God! It's so loud. Blair, It's so loud. I just want it to be quiet. Just for a while. Just for a while."

Then, in a childlike voice unfamiliar to any of them, Todd whispered, "Noise is bad. Noise gets you punished. No noise! No noise! Shhhhh! You have to be quiet. Tell them not to make noise or they'll get punished. Shhhhh!"

Then in another childlike voice Todd said, "The floor. The floor, she's on the floor. There's the door. There's the door. No more. No more." They realized he was talking in rhymes. "The boy is bad. Then he's sad."

Then in yet another voice Todd screamed, "NOOOO! NOOOOO! THAT'S MAMA'S BED. THAT'S MAMA'S BED."

Susannah wasn't sure what was happening to him. It seemed that he was switching rapidly from one never before seen alter to another.

"Look! Look at the fire. I like the fire. It's pretty. Look at all the colors." He spoke in still another, slightly older sounding child's, voice.

Susannah was about to step back into the room when she heard Todd's voice again. "Blair? Blair? Don't you go away. Don't you go away, Blair."

"No, Todd. I'm here. I'm right here." Blair took his hand.

"I was telling you something. What was I telling you? What was I telling you?" Todd was becoming extremely agitated. "Why can't I remember?" He asked. Todd pulled his hand away from Blair and punched the side of his head.

Blair grabbed his hand. "Baby, don't do that. You'll hurt yourself. I'll tell you what you were talking about. I remember. You asked me to find Randy and Starr and keep them safe."

Throwing his head back and laughing a relieved laugh, Todd confirmed, "That's right, that's right. I can't find Starr. I went down to the basement to look for her. She was gone. Viki said it's safe for her to be with me. She said I'd never hurt Starr that I'm not like them. But now Viki hates me. She won't let me stay with her in cabin and Sam isn't real and Doctor Hanen isn't real. He told me. He told me. He knows they hate me. Viki said I wouldn't hurt Starr, but I hurt everyone. NO! NO! DON'T LET STARR IN THE BASEMENT. DON'T LET HER IN THE BASEMENT."

"Todd, shhhhhh," Blair hugged him to her. "I won't. Starr will never go to the basement. Sweetie, I promise you. I'll protect Starr."

"Will you find Randy? I don't want him to be cold and get run over. I was bad. So he got hurt."

"Todd, I'll find your puppy too. I promise. Oh, I promise, sweetie," Blair gently rocked him. She could not believe they had allowed him to get into this condition. Blair wanted to throw a coat over him and get him out of there.

Then sounding almost like himself, Todd said, "Blair listen to me. It's very important. I have to tell you before he comes back. There are no secrets from him. He hears everything. Listen to me."

"Todd, I am listening. I'm right here. Tell me."

"I don't think they'll let me go to the bank. I can't get to my money. I want you to sell The Sun. Sell it to Asa or to anyone. Then I want you to take the money and take Starr and Randy as far away as you can get. I want you to hide them. You can do it Blair. You would die for Starr. You can't take Arabi because he's too big, but you can take Randy. Starr will love him. You have to be careful he doesn't find you. Don't let him hear you and don't let Starr out of your site, not for a minute. Don't tell anyone where you're going. Blair, I know you can do it. You're the one. You love your child."

"Our child, Todd. You love Starr too and she loves you so much. She misses you everyday. She draws pictures for you. She makes things for you in arts and crafts at school. She . . . "

"NO!" Todd cut her off. "NO! SHE CAN'T LOVE ME. NO! MAKE HER STOP. TELL HER I'M DEAD. I AM. I AM! SHE CAN'T LOVE ME. I'LL HURT HER. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LOVE SOMEONE. I HURT THEM. SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS TO THEM. BLAIR! DON'T LET HER LOVE ME." Todd was starting to get short of breath, just as Pete had. Susannah knew she had to get Todd calmed down. She also knew if she made Blair leave now he would just get even more out of control.

"Todd. All right. All right. I promise I'll keep Starr safe. I won't let her love you if you don't want her to. Sweetie, I'll do everything you asked me to do," Blair humored him.

Todd started shivering again. Blair picked up the blanket that had fallen around him in the chair. She put it over his shoulders. Todd began to whisper to himself again. "I told them it's too windy up here. It's too cold. I don't want to go on the plane. No! Please, don't make me. I'm so scared. Viki hates me she won't let me stay in the cabin. She's gonna make me go on the plane. I don't want to. I'm scared. I don't want to go back."

Hearing this from the doorway, Viki started to cry. They knew Todd was definitely confusing his mother sending him away from the summerhouse with Viki. Todd reached out into the air. "It's so dark. I lost my flashlight and the woods are dark. I don't like the dark. I don't like the dark. I'm all by myself. I'm so scared. I can't find Viki. She hates me. She sent me away. She won't let me stay at the cabin with her. They're not real. Sam's not real and Viki's not real and Doctor Hanen's not real. He told me. He told me. They're pretending to be real."

Susannah knew that his constant repeating of the same things over and over again was a symptom of psychosis. "Blair, it's so hard. I get so confused. I want them to be real again, but they're not, and then they are and then there not. Ashes, ashes, all fall down." They noticed his voice sounded very young again. "I don't like the ashes, they make a mess. I like the fire. The fire is pretty. I can watch the fire and it don't hurt. Look! Isn't it pretty?" He said in the same older but still childlike voice they heard talking about fire before.

Susannah wanted to ask some of them who they were. Unfortunately, Todd was switching so quickly she didn't have a chance. Sounding like Todd again, he said, "Blair, promise me you'll never stop loving Starr or send her away. Even if she does something bad. Even then. Promise me!"

"Todd, I promise. There is nothing Starr could ever do that would make me stop loving her or send her away. You know how hard I fought to keep her." Blair could see he was thinking for a moment.

"That's right. You fought for Starr. You did. You did. You didn't just give up on her and let me have her. You fought for her. I remember. I'm sorry. Starr needs her mommy. Little kids need their mommies. Blair, you take her far away. Don't forget Randy. He's a good dog. He doesn't make noise or messes. He stays quiet. He knows. He's a good dog." Todd started giggling in a childlike way again. "He tickles. Hemmm. He tickles. I like dog kisses. I'm gonna call him Randy. He's all raggedy. There's Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy, so I'll call him Randy." The rhyming voice added.

Suddenly, Todd leaned forward in the chair. "Oh God! He heard. He heard. No! No! I won't tell you. NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM. NO! NO! BLAIR IS BLAIR. NO! I WON'T TELL YOU. I WON'T TELL YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE. GO AWAY. GO AWAY! GO AWAY! BLAIR! BLAIR! YOU HAVE TO HURRY. YOU HAVE TO TAKE STARR NOW. HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS IF I TELL. HE CAN HEAR AND HE KNOWS I TOLD. HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO TELL. I TALKED TO THEM AND HE KNOWS. BLAIR HELP ME UP. I HAVE TO SAVE STARR. I HAVE TO HELP YOU SAVE STARR. WE SAVED HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK. REMEMBER. NOW WE HAVE TO SAVE HER AGAIN."

Tears started down Blair's face at the mention of Starr's illness. Not only because of the memories of how sick Starr was, but also because of the memory of how Todd was then. He was strong and able to take care of his little girl, able to be there for her. He was the one who held Blair together during that time and now he was completely falling apart. Blair knew she had to do for Todd what he did for her and for Starr. She had to keep him together.

"I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. IT'S SO DARK. WHERE'S THE DOOR? AM I STANDING? BLAIR HELP ME TO GET TO STARR. HE THINKS I TOLD. HE'LL KILL HER. HE'LL KILL HER. OH GOD! OOOOOH, IT'S SO LOUUUUUUD! OOOOOOH, IT MAKES MY HEAD HURT. OOOOOOOH!" Todd was grasping for breath.

Susannah came rushing in. "All right Blair. You need to leave now. Todd has to calm down."

"NOOOOO! NOOOOO!" Todd shrieked. "NOOOOOO! I WANT BLAIR TO STAY. I WANT HER TO STAY. SHE HAS TO WAIT FOR STARR TO COME HOME FROM SCHOOL. I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE A NOTE FOR STARR. NOOOOOO! BLAIR! BLAIR! DON'T LEAVE STARR A NOTE TELLING HER YOUR LEAVING HER." Todd continued to shriek in between gasps for breath.

"No, Todd, I swear. I will never do that." Blair called to him.

"Todd, listen to me. It's Doctor Hanen. You need to calm down. I want you to slow down your breathing. Just try to breath in slowly through your nose. You need to rest now. Blair can come back tomorrow. Now you need to rest."

"NO! I HAVE TO TELL HER TO PROTECT STARR."

"You already did that. Blair knows to protect Starr and Randy. They will be safe. Now you need to get back into bed and go to sleep for a while."

"NO! I HAVE TO TELL BLAIR! There's a mouse in the house and the house has a mouse. NO! NO! IT'S A RAT. IT'S THAT. IT'S THAT. It's dark. It's dark. It's not the park. It's not the park. It's not park. IT'S NOT THE PARK. IT'S NOT THE PARK." Now this alter, if that's what this voice was, was getting highly agitated. Susannah gave Connie and order for a sedative.

Once again, in his own voice. Todd started to whisper, "Viki hates me she sent me away from the cabin. Sam's not real. Viki's not real. Doctor Hanen's not real." Connie came in with the filled syringe.

"Blair, please wait outside," Susannah ordered.

NO! NO! BLAIR. BLAIR. DON'T GO. BLAIR!" Todd started to screech, as soon as he heard what Susannah said. Blair hesitated.

"Blair. Wait outside!" Susannah said, firmly.

Carl, Marcia and Dave moved closer to where Todd sat. Looking at the size of the men, Blair was terrified for Todd. "Blair, for the last time, I want you out of this room," Susannah ordered.

Sam came in and put his arm around Blair. "Come on. It will be all right. Let Susannah do her job," he said softly. He led Blair to the hallway. Todd continued to scream for Blair.

In a gentle tone, Susannah said, "Todd, we're going to give you some medication to help you relax. It won't hurt. It will go right into your IV. Now I want you to try to slow down your breathing. Todd hadn't realized he had an IV in his arm. He tried to free his left arm from the sling so he could pull it out before they had a chance to give him the medication. Carl, Marcia and Dave quickly stabilized him. Despite his panic, he was very weak and it wasn't difficult.

"NO! NO! BLAIR! HELP ME! DON'T LET THEM DO IT. I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARR. BLAIR DON'T GO! BLAIR! BLAIR HELP ME. THEY'RE NOT REAL. THEY'RE GONNA LET HIM HURT STARR. BLAIR! THEY'RE NOT REAL. THEY'RE NOT REAL. BLAIRRRRR!"

Blair couldn't stand it. She tried to push her way back into the room but Sam and Viki held her back. "Damn it Viki, how can you allow this? They're torturing him. They're killing him. Look at him! Look what they've done to him here. You've got to take him out of here. My God! How can you leave him here? Is Todd right? Do hate him?"

Viki reached up to slap Blair. Sam grabbed her hand before she had the chance to. He knew they were both at the end of their rope. "Blair, I'm sorry. Oh honey, please forgive me. I know you're horrified by what you've seen today, but . . . " Viki tried to apologize.

"But nothing! Sam, Viki. Please. Take Todd home, or if you don't want to I'll take care of him. I'll hire a nurse. My God! Did you see the way they held him down?"

"Blair, they are trying to keep him safe. If they didn't do that he would hurt himself," Sam tried to reason with her.

Blair noticed that the screaming had stopped. She started to walk toward Todd's room. Sam held her back "Blair, let Susannah do her job. You're not helping this way."

Blair angrily pulled her arm away from him. "I'm not going in. I just want to see if he's all right." Blair opened the door just enough to see inside. She saw that they had gotten Todd back to bed. Susannah was adjusting an oxygen mask over his face. He was laying very still. His eyes were closed. He was moaning softly. Susannah then took her stethoscope and listened to his heart. Blair shut the door.

"Look at him Sam. Look at him. He's dying here. He can hardly move by himself. He's so confused and frightened. I've never even seen mama that bad off. They let him get hurt. Look at his head and arm and lip. How could they let that happen? They did that to him here. You've got to get him out of here." Blair was crying.

"Yeah, well your aunt contributed to that," Sam declared.

"What? Dorian? What did Dorian . . . Sam what are you talking about? Dorian hasn't come near Todd since before he became sick."

Sam realized Dorian had not told Blair about what happened and her part in it. He also realized he should not have said anything.

"Blair, let's sit down for a minute," Viki suggested. Blair, Viki and Sam sat in the chairs in the waiting area outside of Todd's room. Viki told her what had happened with Dorian. Leaving out the part about the papers Dorian had brought in with her. Viki was not interested in causing trouble between Dorian and Blair.

"I don't understand. Why was she sitting here if you told her to wait in the family lounge all the way on the other side of the unit?" Blair knew Viki was leaving something out. The story didn't make sense.

"Dorian wanted to see Todd." Viki said, not wanting to lie to Blair, but hoping she would just except it as that.

"Why would Dorian care about seeing Todd, morbid curiosity? Why Viki? Tell me."

Sam could see Viki was hesitant so he told Blair the truth.

"SHE WHAT! Oh man, that is so like Dorian. I told her I didn't want anything to do with getting sole custody of Starr while Todd was so sick. Viki, I hope you don't think I put her up to that."

"Oh honey, of course not. I know the way Dorian is. Someone else's wishes mean nothing to her when she's on one of her crusades," Viki admitted.

"Man, I can't believe she did that and hurt him that way."

"Blair, Dorian didn't deliberately hurt Timmy. We were startled and he fell," Sam added.

"Dorian was very kind to him afterward. She promised not to cause any trouble for him while he was sick. She was also very kind and helpful to me. She brought me the picture I was looking for and some papers Father had hidden away. Blair, please! I don't want this to cause any trouble between you and Dorian," Viki pleaded. She knew how Dorian would react if she though she had turned Blair against her.

"Don't worry about Dorian. I will take care of Dorian," Blair promised, angrily. That was what Viki was afraid of.

Susannah came out of Todd's room. "What did you do to him?" Blair asked immediately. She realized how accusatory that sounded. "I mean how is he? He stopped screaming."

"Yes, he's asleep. He's all right."

"Why are you giving him oxygen?" Blair pressed. Sam and Viki didn't know that Todd needed oxygen again.

"It's just to help him until he gets enough oxygen back in his blood. Todd has had too much going on in the past day or two. Viki. I need to speak with you about Todd's medication. I may have to consider an antipsychotic if this behavior continues."

"No!" Blair stated firmly to Susannah. "My mother was on an antipsychotic drug. It turned her into a zombie. She couldn't function at all. It made her so much worse. She was drooling and dizzy. She had trouble forming words. Her stomach was always upset and she had these tremors, her mouth, her hands, they would make all these involuntary movements. You can't do that to Todd." Blair turned to Sam and Viki. "For God's sake, don't let her do that to Todd."

Susannah could see that what Blair said frightened Sam and Viki. She knew that Blair was right. In some cases that medication could cause all those side effects and some even more dangerous ones. "I would not even consider putting Todd on an antipsychotic unless it becomes absolutely necessary. I just need to make Viki more aware of the situation. Also, there is a newer class of antipsychotic medication that has less occurrence of many of those side effects, but they still are a concern. Blair I promise you that I would only use them on Todd as a last resort."

"Doctor Hanen. I know you and the hospital are trying your best for Todd." Blair hesitated a moment and then continued. "To be honest, from where I stand it looks to me as if he has gotten a thousand times worse since he's been here. He's nothing but skin and bones. He looks paler than Starr looked when she was dying from Aplastic Anemia. Maybe Todd needs to be home with his family?" Blair remembered how she had gotten her mother out of the mental hospital she was in when she thought they were making her worse.

"Blair," Viki began, "I know how upsetting seeing Todd this way must be for you, but he needs to be in a hospital. Todd is much to ill to be home. For the sake of his physical health as well has his mental health." Sam said nothing for a minute and then nodded in agreement. Blair wondered if he honestly believed that the hospital was the best place for Todd.

Blair knew there was no point in arguing with them. She also knew she had to find some way to help Todd. "Can I see him before I go? I promise I won't wake him?" Blair asked Susannah.

Susannah thought for a second. "Sure. You won't wake him. He's been heavily sedated."

Connie was with Todd. Susannah walked Blair into the room and said, "Connie, it's all right. Give Blair a few minutes alone with Todd."

"Sure," Connie responded. She left the room with Susannah.

Blair looked at Todd. His bed had been left at a forty-five degree angle. Todd's hair was covering the sides of his face. Blair brushed it back. She lifted the oxygen mask off his face for a second and kissed his him gently. She was afraid to injure his still swollen lip. She carefully put the mask back in place. "Don't worry, baby. I'll keep our little girl safe and I'll keep you safe too. I'll help you. Blair is here now. Blair is here."

TO BE CONTINUED COPYRIGHT 1999/RS

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page