"So what time tomorrow are we doing this?" Sam inquired. He did not wanting to talk about the guilt he felt anymore.

"I would like to leave around eleven in the morning. I want to have a chance to examine Todd before we go. I need to tell him what's going to happen, that he will be leaving the hospital for a while. That in itself could be quite traumatic for him. He has not been outside in months," Susannah explained.

"Are you going to tell him you're taking him to Asa's lodge?" Sam asked.

"Yes, I don't think the lodge will have much meaning to Timmy or to Tom or Jimmy or Rodd. If Todd or Pete or Miss Perkins is out I'm sure they will be aware of the lodge's significance. As withdrawn as Todd has been of late I'm not even sure he would understand what I am saying. I'm hoping that being back there will cause him to react."

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Viki and Sam arrived at the hospital at eight-fifty in the morning. Susannah had already been there for an hour. She checked in on Todd when she arrived. Terry told her he had slept through the night, no doubt thanks to the higher dose of medication Susannah had prescribed for him last night. She wanted to make sure he slept, hopefully nightmare free, for at least one night. Todd had still been asleep when Susannah got to his room so she went to her office to go over her notes one more time.

"Come in," Susannah called when she heard Viki and Sam knock on her door.

"Have you seen Todd yet?" Viki asked even before she and Sam sat down.

"Yes, he was still sleeping. I'll be going back to see him is a few minutes. I just want to go over things one more time. I need to examine Todd and make sure that he is up for this, physically. Then I want to try to explain to him what is going to happen today. Then we'll get him dressed and down to the car. Viki, I think it would be best if you or Sam drove and I sat with Todd, in the back seat, if that's okay with you?" Susannah suggested.

Susannah could hear how nervous Viki sounded when she answered, "Sure, we have no problem with that."

"What about the nurse and the technicians you mentioned?" Sam asked.

"Jeff will ride with us and Terry and Frank will follow us in one of their cars. Now let me make sure I have this right. The lodge is right off route one-twenty-seven, five miles north of The Gas 'N' Sip?"

Susannah wanted to make sure Terry and Frank wouldn't get lost in case their cars got separated on the road. Susannah wrote the directions on a note pad and then tore the page off to give to Terry then she, Sam and Viki left her office and headed for Todd's room.

As they walked into Todd's room they could see that Lisa, another one of the techs, was gently washing his face with a washcloth. "There you go Timmy, all clean." They heard her say as she removed the basin and washcloth. They noticed how Timmy's face brightened when he saw the three of them come into the room.

Viki went over to Timmy and hugged him. Gently, she kissed his still bruised forehead.

"Good morning, sweetheart. How do you feel?" Viki asked as she continued to hold Timmy.

"Okay," Timmy responded quietly. He snuggled into Viki.

"Did you have any breakfast this morning?"

" Don't remember," Timmy replied.

Lisa shook her head no and informed them, "Timmy wasn't very hungry this morning."

Knowing one of the few things he would eat, on occasion, was a peanut butter and marshmallow cream sandwich Viki kept the makings for it in the pantry on that floor. "If I make you a Fluffernuter, will you eat it?"

Timmy shrugged his shoulders and gave her his usual reply, "I don't know. My tummy feels funny." Timmy had a chronically nervous stomach.

"Well, why don't I make it and we'll see if you can eat it?" Timmy nodded and Viki headed to the pantry.

Timmy noticed the bag Sam was carrying. Pointing to it, he asked, "What's in there?"

"I brought you some warm clothes," Sam replied.

Timmy just stared at him. He didn't understand why he needed warm clothes.

Susannah sat next to him on his bed. "Timmy, I have a surprise for you. How would you like to go for a car ride with Sam and Viki and me?"

Looking at Sam, Timmy asked hopefully, "Are you gonna take me to see my mommy?"

Sam swallowed hard. "No pal, I'm sorry. Were not going to see your mommy."

The look in Timmy's eyes turned from disappointment to fear. In a trembling voice he asked, "Are you gonna take me to Daddy?"

"No! Absolutely not! We are not going anywhere near your daddy," Susannah said, "We are going to take a ride in the country and go visit a place that Todd has been to before. It's called a lodge. It belongs to Asa. Do you know Asa?" Timmy shook his head. "Timmy, do you remember ever being at this lodge?" Timmy shook his head again.

"Can we go to the park too?" Timmy asked.

"Maybe next time," Susannah answered, brushing his hair from his face. It was clear that the lodge had no meaning for Timmy. Susannah was relieved that it didn't. She hoped that Timmy would stay out until they got there.

"Can Mr. Rabbit come too?" Timmy asked.

"Sure he can, sweetie. We wouldn't go without Mr. Rabbit," Susannah assured him. "Timmy, I need to examine you this morning."

Susannah could see that Timmy was already frightened. He was terrified of all the times blood had to be drawn to check the medication levels and his general condition. Even after all this time in the hospital, Timmy and Tom still had to be held down for most physical exams. Anything that was even the tiniest bit uncomfortable caused them to become hysterical and they would sometimes have to be sedated for the simplest procedures like having blood drawn. Jimmy could not even tolerate someone coming within arm's length of him. Even though Tom and Timmy had endured excruciating pain at the hands of their father without moving a muscle, they could not tolerate the minor pain of various medical procedures.

Susannah reasoned that it might be as simple as they just didn't want to be hurt anymore. Perhaps it was that they could cry and scream out or try to pull away from the doctors, nurses and techs, something they could never do at the hands of Peter Manning.

Even though Susannah had spent time working in a medical ER before she decided on psychiatry as a career and spent eighteen months functioning as an Internist during a stint in the Peace Corps, Susannah didn't usually handle the physical exams of her patients. Unfortunately, the alters were terrified of the other doctors and became so hard to handle, that they would immediately have to be sedated or restrained if any of the other doctors came near them. To save them and the staff grief, Susannah did the routine exams herself.

"I promise I won't do anything that hurts," Susannah assured Timmy. Even though she could have gotten his vitals off the chart she wanted to make sure everything was okay at this minute, right before she medicated him and before they got him dressed.

Timmy sat quietly while she took his temperature and blood pressure and checked his respiration. When Susannah put her stethoscope in her ears to listen to his heart and lungs, Timmy begged, "Me too!" Susannah knew what he was asking. One of the first times she examined him, he was fearful of the stethoscope so she let him listen to her heart and to his own. Ever since then it became a game they played whenever she examined him. Taking the stethoscope's earpieces from her own ears, she placed them in Timmy's and placed the diaphragm on her own heart.

Timmy smiled slightly as he heard the beating sounds and said, "I wanna do Sam." Sam stepped closer to the bed and Susannah put the diaphragm over Sam's heart. Timmy's smile got a little bigger. "It sounds the same only a lot faster."

Susannah realized how nervous Sam was about this. Finishing up the exam, Susannah turned to Sam and assured him, "No problems."

Viki came in carrying a sandwich and some milk and offered it to Timmy. "My tummy feels funny," Timmy repeated.

"Sweetheart, won't you try to eat just a little. It would make me very happy," Viki tried to coax him to eat something. Timmy took the sandwich and took a few small bites and then tears started to roll down his cheeks.

"Hey buddy, what's the matter?" Sam asked.

"I don't want Viki to get mad at me."

"Sweetheart, I could never be mad at you." Viki put her arms around him and held him tightly. "It's all right, you don't have to finish the sandwich if your tummy is bothering you, I won't be angry."

Susannah had been filling out Todd's chart. She finished and walked over to Timmy and asked, "Timmy, is it all right if I talk to Sam and Viki outside for a minute? I need to explain something to them."

Timmy nodded and asked, "Can I go play with my toys?"

"Sure you can sweetie," Susannah answered. She smiled at him and stroked his cheek.

"I am going to try to get Timmy to drink some juice with a sedative in it. You know how he hates to take any kind of medication. I don't want him to get upset before we even leave. I don't want to have to give him a shot because you know how terrified of that he is," Susannah informed them once they were in the hallway. "Sam, do you think you can get him dressed or do you want me to send in Frank and Jeff to help?"

"I think Timmy and I can manage it by ourselves," Sam stated with a sad smile.

"Great, so you start getting him dressed while I get his medication," Susannah declared.

"Sam can you handle it or do you want me to help you get him dressed?" Viki offered.

"Why don't you wait in the lounge?" Sam suggested, pointing to the couches near Todd's room, "I'll yell if I need help."

Timmy was sitting on the floor with a Mr. Bear in one hand and Mr. Rabbit in the other. Timmy had the Mr. Rabbit face down on the floor and the bear on top of him. Timmy was pretending to be the voice of the bear, "You are so stupid! Everything you do is stupid! You're a bad bear! You make me sick! You make me do this to you! You like making me punish you! You want me to!"

Timmy had the rabbit hold perfectly still and not move. Timmy looked down at the two stuffed animals. He now pretended to be the voice of the rabbit.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be stupid. I thought you'd like it. I'm sorry." Timmy shook his head violently from side to side. He had the Mr. Rabbit cry out, "No! No! No!" Timmy let go of the toys. He drew his knees to his head and tucked himself into the "little ball" position.

Sam bit his lower lip for a second to keep from crying. He knelt down and put his arm around Timmy's shoulder. "That ol' Mr. Bear is a pretty scary guy, huh Timmy?"

"Mr. Rabbit was bad. He had to be punished," Timmy explained without looking up.

"What did the Mr. Rabbit do that was so bad?" Sam pressed.

Timmy shrugged his shoulders and cried, "He don't mean to be bad. He wants to be good, but everything he does is bad and stupid! He drawed a picture for Mr. Bear and Mr. Bear ripped it up and laughed at him and told him how stupid he is."

Sam's heart was breaking. "Well, Mr. Bear is the stupid one because he missed out on getting to know what a good and smart boy Mr. Rabbit really is."

"Mr. Bear yelled at Mr. Rabbit to pick up all his crayons before he counted to ten. Mr. Rabbit got scared and kept dropping them back on the floor. Mr. Bear yelled at him real loud for being clumsy and Mr. Bear stepped all over the crayons and smashed them. When Mr. Rabbit tried to pick them up, Mr. Bear stepped on his fingers. Then Mr. Bear punished Mr. Rabbit for being bad and stupid. After Mr. Bear got finished punishing Mr. Rabbit for what he did, Mr. Rabbit's mommy had to take him to get his fingers fixed cause he couldn't move them so good and they hurt a lot."

Timmy stopped crying. He hugged his knees to his chest more tightly. He rested his cheek on his knees and looked off to the side. "Mr. Rabbit just wanted Mr. Bear to like the picture. He drawed it special for him cause he thought it would make him like him better."

Sam heard the depth of Timmy's sadness in his voice. Sam lovingly stroked Timmy's head. "I wish I could be the Mr. Rabbit's daddy. I would tell him how much I love him and how proud I was that he was my little boy."

Tears welled up in Sam's eyes as he told this to Timmy. Timmy lifted his head up and looked into Sam's eyes and then reached out for a hug, which Sam happily gave him.

Susannah came in carrying a juice cup, "Timmy, I brought you some juice, pineapple, your favorite. I want you to drink the whole cup down. Do you think you can?"

"Do I have to?" Timmy whimpered.

"Well, I would like you to. I know your tummy feels bad but this will make it feel better. Once you're not so nervous your tummy won't be either."

Timmy took the juice cup and slowly started to drink the juice. With a little encouragement from Susannah and Sam he got the whole thing down.

"Hey buddy, let's get you dressed. You can't go out in your pajamas," Sam pointed out. He made a mental note to tell Susannah about "Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit" as soon as he got the chance.

Susannah went to get her own coat from her office. She stopped at the lounge to tell Viki that Sam was dressing Timmy and they would all be leaving shortly. She stopped to tell Terry, Frank and Jeff the same thing.

"Looks like your clothes got a little to big for you," Sam noticed, as he tightened Timmy's belt to the last notch. He was surprised at how Todd's clothes hung on him now. He knew that Todd lost a lot of weight, but they had all been wearing the comfortable, elastic waist sweatpants and tee and sweatshirts Viki had brought Todd to wear over the past few months. The looseness of the clothes wasn't as apparent. Sam had brought jeans and a warm sweater for Todd to wear. They were now several sizes too big for him. Sam also noticed how pale Todd had become. He noticed that Timmy had to hold on to him to lift himself off the floor. He saw that each day Todd's body was getting weaker.

Viki is right, Sam thought, his body is starting to deteriorate.

"I don't like these. They're Todd's clothes. They itch!" Timmy started scratching his arms.

Sam pulled up the right sleeve of the wool sweater and noticed small red bumps developing on Timmy's arm. He pulled up the left sleeve and saw that arm was also developing red bumps.

Could it be possible that Timmy was allergic to the same clothes Todd wore without a problem? Sam wondered. Sam took the sweater off Timmy and put a sweatshirt on him instead. "Is that better?"

Timmy nodded. "It won't keep you as warm, but I don't think it will make you all itchy," Sam assured him.

Viki and Susannah came into the room. Viki took one look and how big Todd's clothes were on him and felt tears burning her eyes. She walked over to Timmy and hugged him, "My, don't you look handsome. Would you like me to brush your hair for you, sweetheart?"

"Okay," Timmy agreed. Viki led him to one of the chairs and he sat patiently while she brushed his silky hair.

Susannah could see that Timmy was starting to feel sleepy. She knew the drive out to the lodge would take about an hour and she didn't want the sedative to start wearing off before she had a chance to finish what she was starting.

"Well, if everyone is ready I guess we can leave," Susannah announced. Viki put Timmy's coat on him. She buttoned it up all the way. She put a scarf around his neck to protect him from the cold November day. Timmy went to get Mr. Rabbit. Viki put her own coat on and they were on their way. Susannah wondered, as she unlocked the doors that led off the unit, if Todd or Pete were aware that they were finally getting out, past the doors they had each tried so hard to get through.

TO BE CONTINUED

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