ONLY YOU - DREAMS

PREVIOUSLY

Sam Rappaport observed these events, and, walking quickly to where she had stood, spotted a side door which he knew to lead into another hallway. He yanked it open (with a sudden feeling of urgency) and saw a long hallway.. And caught a glimpse of a tall shape vanishing around the corner. It was only a glimpse, but he knew right away who it was.

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Then the night gave way to morning
And as he stood to leave
He said, "You know the thing that I would like the most?
If I could hold you once before I go
I think I'd have the strength to carry on
Cause the road I walk is lonely, and colder than you know
And I'll need your smile inside me when I'm gone.
If I could hold you once before I go
I'll always have a picture of the sight
I'll take it with my memory, but I'll keep in my heart
If I could only hold you once tonight.
- from Phantom of the Country Opera

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Another dream.
he was there again, in that house. it was just the same as he remembered it, the same as it always was. the way it always would be; he would always come back here. he was very small, only a little boy. there was noone around. but the dread was there, eating at his stomach, and he knew his father was coming. what was it, what did He tell him to do? think, stupid, think! he ran anxiously from room to room, but there was no way out, and he couldn't know what it was that he was expected to do, but he had to do something quick because He was coming, and He was going to be oh so angry he right thing, what's the right answer? he never knows. there must be some way out, but he would never find it, and when he stopped he found himself at the front door, and couldn't move. there was never anything he could do, because nothing ever made any difference at all. the door was flung open, and he faced the blind rage of his father; he had done it wrong again and now he was going to pay...

Todd awoke with a jerk, and immediately sat up, gasping for air. Right away he reached for the light and switched it on, casting the shadows back and trying to block the sight that waited for him behind his eyes. He leaned his head into his hands, and took a deep, shuddering breath. I'm not there. He's gone. But that wasn't entirely the truth, for that place, and that man, would live on forever in his own mind, and in his dreams every single night.

He got up out of bed and grabbed the clock as he dressed. One-thirty. Terrific. Another long night. Why do I even bother trying to sleep. It always happens. He walked out of his hotel room, grabbing his coat. Every time now he thought maybe it wouldn't happen, maybe this time he could rest.. But nearly every night for some time now, the same thing would happen. Ever since he had started thinking about it, it would always be there in the back of his mind, those memories, and the dreams had started, and gotten worse and worse. After Ireland, after everything had fallen apart. That's when it started getting bad. Used to be, he wouldn't even try, until exhaustion took him and he would sleep with no dreams at all, he didn't even hope for a peaceful night before that. There was a time, not all that long ago, when the dreams came less and less, and the nagging dark thoughts could be pushed to the back of his mind and were tempered with thoughts of her, and the hope she gave him. But that time was past.

He left the dingy hotel room and wandered the hotel. Where to go? It didn't matter. Doesn't make any difference where he goes, the things he would run from would always be with him. He knew this now more than ever.

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It was an hour or so later, and Todd found himself in the hotel bar, which was apparently open all night, not entirely clear on how he had ended up there, but that could have something to do with the empty shot glasses on the bar in front of him. He was feeling pleasantly numb, and signaled the bartender. "I'll have, um, some more of whatever these were." The bartender complied hesitantly; he had probably put quite a few away already, but since he was staying just upstairs he supposed a few more would be all right. Whatever. He stared into his glass, feeling vaguely rotten, but at least he wasn't remembering much of anything in particular or caring about anything much either. The bartender left him alone, and there weren't any other patrons in the bar.. But suddenly he got that creepy feeling of being watched, and of someone walking up behind him. He whirled around and caught a hand that was reaching out to grab his shoulder.. a hand that turned out to be attached to Sam Rappaport.

Todd quickly let go and turned away, but didn't leave. Sam sat down on the stool next to him. "Well, there's a nice welcome. A good 'hey, how're you doing, Sam?' would have done, or maybe at least 'hello.' But I suppose you not telling me to hit the road is your version of a greeting."

Todd looked up at Sam; he was smiling. He reached for his drink. "What are you doing here?"

"Okay pal, I think I should be the one asking questions, don't you?" Sam signaled the bartender himself and ordered a club soda.

"Not if you want any answers."

"That's what I thought. You don't look exactly thrilled to see me, are you? You weren't planning to tell me you were in town?"

Todd carefully avoided his eyes. "I wasn't going to be here long. And I didn't think you'd be too thrilled to see me either."

Sam grabbed his arm, until Todd finally looked up at him. "I would want to know, when you're around. And what you're doing. If you're ok." He let go and leaned back, picking up his drink, and Todd resumed his stare at the dark wood of the bar counter. "I saw you, y'know. At the courthouse."

Todd started, and quickly tried to hide his distress as he asked, "Did.. anyone else, see me there?"

"Well, I didn't tell anybody, if that's what you mean. And no, she didn't see you there."

Todd nodded and looked relieved.

"I saw you slinking off after the trial, but I lost you in the crowd. I knew you had to be staying somewhere nearby, but if you didn't want us to see you.. Well, I started checking hotel registries, and asking at the desks. You can't exactly go incognito, Todd, even in this part of town. Everyone knows who you are."

He finished another drink. "Yeah, the town piranha, I'm famous."

"You mean pariah."

"No, actually I meant piranha. More accurate. So, you're following me around town now? You wanna yell at me, throw the book at me..?"

Sam shook his head. "What are you doing here in town, Todd?"

There was a long silence; Sam waited patiently and was eventually rewarded.

"I went a lot of places, after I left. Had some things to do. And I just tried to figure things out, get my head together. It got.. a little confusing, a little complicated." The bartender finally refused his request for a drink. It was just as well, he was getting a little woozy. It was also loosening his lips. " I dunno, I went all over, trying to figure things out, figure out what I'm going to do now… Vicki told me, when I took off, that I should try to find myself. Whatever that means. Well, I think I know what she means, but I don't know how to do that. Wandering around, 'looking for myself,'" he laughs, "it doesn't do any good. If there was some place where I could do that, I haven't found any, except.."

"Here."

"Yeah. Here." He rested his head in his hands, staring hard at the bar. "I'm not staying, I know that's not going to work. I just had to see Starr… And I had to see Tea. I can't be around either of them anymore, after what I did. But I just had to see them one more time."

"Did it help?"

"Sort of." It did, in a way, make it better. He had always felt that those were the only two people who could keep him from going off the deep end. They were his anchor. But it made it worse, seeing them again only to have to leave. Hard as it was to be away, it was even harder to be back, knowing that he couldn't stay. "So. Everything's been okay, right? Around here?"

"It's been pretty quiet around here. Blair and Starr are doing fine, as far as I know."

"Yeah, I keep track of Starr, I know she's fine.." He trailed off. Sam knew what he really wanted to ask, but waited for him to say it. The question floated in the air for a moment, and then Todd finally said it. "How is Tea doing?"

"She's great, she's on the biggest case of her career, and she's pretty hyped up about it."

"I saw that. Today. I mean, how is she doing really?"

Sam had no idea how he could answer him, because the truth was that he didn't really know. And he didn't know what he could say, that would make things any better for either of them. He decided to say what he thought she would want him to say. "I think she's doing great, Todd. She's really building a life for herself, here in Llanview. She'll make a fine lawyer. She's going to be just fine."

Without me, that's what you mean. Todd wasn't sure whether to be relieved, or disappointed. He settled on both. "I'm glad. She deserves all that stuff." Todd stood up slowly.

Sam stood up as well. "So what now, Boomer? Are you getting out of town again?"

"Not quite yet," said Todd.

"Well, give me a call before you go, okay? If there's anything I can do for you.."

"No there's nothing you can do. Not anymore." Todd turned and walked out of the bar. Sam sat back down and stared disconsolately at his drink. He considered going up after the young man, but he knew that there was nothing he could say. Any approximation of closeness between them had been broken by Todd's deception, and Sam was not ready to try again; he knew that it wouldn't do any good. If there had ever been a time when he could have reached Todd, that time was past. Maybe it was too late for anyone to reach him. Todd may have come back to Llanview, but he had not returned to his life. He was like a ghost haunting the remnants of his old life, not yet prepared to live it. But there was nothing Sam or anyone else could do for him now. He was going to have to find his way back on his own.

End part four.

Next: A Professional Interest