MAYBE TONIGHT - PART THREE

PREVIOUSLY

"I'd be the happiest guy….well, as happy as Todd Manning can get….if I could chalk this whole mess I've gotten into up to you, Blair. All you did was add the icing. I've been making one big mess of a cake since day one. It's got to end somewhere….before it all blows up in my face. " For a moment, Todd looked so lost that she looked away to give him his privacy. Then she reached out and squeezed his arm.

"Go home to your….to your wife. And who knows? Maybe it will all fall into place….maybe tonight." She looked skeptical as he ran out the door, coat flying behind him.

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Driving to the Penthouse, Todd cursed his habit of repeatedly shooting himself in the foot where Tea was concerned. It was always that much worse when he realized that he usually turned the gun on Tea in the process. He wished himself to be more like those leading men in those "cheesy" black and white movies he often caught Tea gawking at when she thought he wasn't around. They always seemed to have the words to melt their ladies into a puddle of romance and the actions to back them up. In the rearview mirror, he grimaced at himself.

"Here's looking at you, kid." He sighed deeply.

"Can't you ever get it right, Manning?" He pounded the steering wheel to emphasize his frustration, and then he reached down to flip on the radio to distract himself from his usual routine of self-loathing. An oldie but goodie from Bon Jovi caught his attention almost immediately, as the 80's crooner belted out his own frustration in his trademark gruff manner.

I want to lay you down in a Bed of Roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails…

"Yeah, you and me both."

Why couldn't he give Tea a bed of roses? Up to this point, he'd kept her away from him by wrapping himself in a shroud of thorns. He cursed the things that made him what he was for making the constant struggle so hard.

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
As my mistress she calls me to stand in her spotlight again
Tonight, I won't be alone
You know that don't mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove for its you that I'd die to defend…

He clicked off the radio and tried to call home again. The machine picked up on the first ring, and he smiled as he was greeted with Tea's voice. He remembered how she'd laughed at him for his previous message, eyes dancing.

"Todd Manning. I'm not here. Or I'm busy doing…..whatever. I'll get back to you if and when I get back to you. Leave a message."

She'd called it, "Typically Todd." He might have been offended had the comment not been accompanied by an affectionate and accepting smile. Still, in the interest of her callers, he'd asked her in passing one day to redo it for him. On a slow day, he'd secretly call home just to hear her voice. His chest constricted as he wondered if someday, that little reminder of her would be all he had left. Had she cut her losses and headed for the hills? He could not bear the thought. The long drawn out beep of the answering machine made him jump to attention, and caught in the grasp of one of his greatest fears, the words began to flow from his heart without the usual consideration and veiling that went along with such sentiments.

With a definitive click, the machine ran out of tape, and Todd was left feeling dazed with confusion and emotion. He was unsure of the feelings that had just poured out of someplace deep within him. Still, he was fairly sure that he might never again speak words more true. Todd turned his car into the parking garage with his typical squeal of brakes, but with a sinking heart he realized he wasn't in a rush if all he was coming home to was a lonely house. He attempted to collect himself enough to face any possibility. Never one to pray, he wondered if it would help now to beg someone… anyone….that she might be there, and that he wouldn't find her with pain and disappointment etched in her face or her heart. He cringed at the other possibility----that she had finally given up on the struggle that had always been a part of their evolving relationship. Had tonight pushed her to the edge? Surely even the rock solid Delgado had to have her limits. Tonight might have stretched her to the breaking point.

Maybe tonight…

Todd closed his eyes and tried to make himself numb to the waves of pain and terror which threatened to overtake him. As a child, when fear was overwhelming, he could find a place to go where he was emotionally untouchable. He had carried that ability with him throughout his life. Lately, it was harder and harder to find that place. Tea made him feel….everything…more deeply than ever. She could bring him a joy so intense he didn't even recognize it. At the other end of the spectrum, loving her could bring pain deeper than anything he'd known.

For a moment, he leaned against the cool wood of the door, bracing himself before he grasped the doorknob and entered the Penthouse.

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In Tea's subconscious mind, Todd held her close in his arms and whispered words of love to her in a voice both gruff and gentle at the same time. He had a magical way of combining the two qualities which made her knees go weak. She reached up to run her fingers through his hair and found herself lost in the depths of his eyes. She had seen them fill with desire before, but only for a quick second before he pulled away. This time, he only tightened his grip around hr waist and tilted his head down to find her mouth. Her heart skipped several beats as he lifted her up in his arms as if she were weightless. He carried her to the bed and began to unbutton her blouse. She closed her eyes, certain that even in dreams, heaven existed.

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Todd's heart lurched forward as he was greeted by darkness and an all encompassing silence. He fumbled for the light switch, unaware of the soft pleas that escaped his lips in the voice of a desperate man. He felt his heart twist as the light played across what remained of Tea's carefully planned dinner date with for her husband.

"Candles and everything," he mumbled.

So much silence…..

Once upon a time, the silence was welcoming, peaceful. Tonight, it was forboding. He was drawn to the soft glow of a light coming from the kitchen.

"Delgado? Tea?" he called softly, hope creeping into his voice. He was met by the same eerie silence. A quick glance around the room caused his heart to pound painfully against his ribs.

"You went all out for me, didn't you, Delgado?" His voice sounded distant and sad as it echoed off the walls. His blood ran cold as he took in the abandoned preparations and the remains of the broken dish. She was always picking up after him when he left his usual mess in his wake, which he found both endearing and annoying at the same time. When she started taking lessons from him, it couldn't be a good sign.

He took the stairs slowly, pausing now and then to listen for any signs of life to resurrect his hope. He couldn't seem to catch his breath as he walked past her room. Suddenly, silence could be deafening.

God, she's not here….SHE'S NOT HERE!

Her room was empty, her bed still neatly made.

"With hospital corners…." Wisecracks were his best defense against total devastation, but it didn't work this time.

He was on his way to go sit by Starr's bed….the only other good thing in his life, when he noticed that the door to his room was semi-open. Todd took a few tentative steps towards the bed where he almost fell to his knees with relief.

Tea was curled up with Starr in his bed, and they both appeared to be in a sound sleep. He watched them in silence for a long time. His family. He was overwhelmed by the intensity of the love he felt for them. He kept it so well hidden when they were awake. It was a frightening thing to realize that his existence was so affected by something or someone, beyond his control. He raked a hand through his hair, frustrated with the constant inner struggle he waged each day which in turn made life on the outside a battlefield for everyone around him. Tea loved him, no matter how many times he disappointed her dreams for them. She loved his daughter as much as he did. And still he kept her outside of his fortress.

In the darkness he noticed her dress draped across the bedpost. He'd never seen it before. The material was so soft as he ran his hand across it. He knew she must have looked beautiful that night. He hoped she would wear it again for him one day. For a second, he wondered which was softer, the silk or her skin beneath it.

Todd walked over to her side of the bed and gently stroked her cheek with a trembling hand. He jumped back as she stirred a bit in her sleep. He turned on his heel to quietly escape when he was halted by the sleepy questioning voice of Starr, woken by her father's presence.

"Daddy? Daddy, you're home!"

"Shhh…come here Shorty and give me a hug. Don't wake Tea, ok?"

A hug from her father always made everything ok, and Todd held her extra tight.

"Daaaadddy! You're squishing me! Can you tuck me into my bed now? The storm is quiet and I think Bunny will need me. He gets scared if he thinks he's been left alone."

"Don't we all…." He whispered under his breath.

As he tucked her securely into bed, she reached out to tug on his sleeve. When she had his attention, she looked at him with big somber eyes.

"Daddy…Tee was really sad tonight. She was crying and everything. She was pretending not to, but I know," she told him in an important tone.

"Really? Crying, huh? Do you know why?" He wondered what he needed to apologize for with the most passion.

"Uh-huh. I think she just misses you lots, like I do when you work so much, or you're not around. Maybe she thinks you're not gonna come home. Or maybe she thinks you forgot about her."

"You don't think that do you, Starr? That I don't love you, or that I would ever forget you or leave you?"

"Most of the time I don't think that….just sometimes I forget."

"We will have to tie a string around your finger so that never ever happens again," he joked, and she smiled at him.

"Just get Tee some flowers and lots of hugs. Girls like that stuff. Maybe help her to not be so lonely. I keep her company, but I AM only just a kid." She punctuated her advice with a knowing nod of her head.

"Is that my full prescription, Dr. Love?" he joked raising his eyebrows up and down in the way that made her laugh.

"Yeah, that…and oh yeah. Give her those candies, too, the caramel ones…"

"And that wouldn't happen to be because a certain person under four feet tall is VERY happy to eat a whole box of those at a time, is it?" He tickled her and she giggled uncontrollably before stealing one last hug.

"It's okay Daddy. Me and Tee love you, lots, perspiction or no perspiction!:" (sic)

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Tea woke from her dream reaching for Todd in the darkness. She found only the coolness of the empty bed beside her. In her dream it had been different. She sighed deeply.

As she came fully awake, she heard Starr giggling down the hall. She stumbled to her room to check on her, and she stopped short in the doorway when she heard Todd's soothing tone lulling his daughter to sleep. She peeked her head slightly into the room and saw him perched next to her on the bed, holding her hand and telling her a story about princesses and knights and the impossible crossing over into reality. Leaning against the doorjamb, taking in the scene, she had the sense that she had just been substituted for Alice looking through the Looking Glass at the family she wanted more than anything to belong to, yet feeling that in the end, she would never be allowed close enough.

It is so unfair to let me see the loving man that he can be through a glass wall which I can't break. And if I can't break it, am I doomed to just stand behind it and watch, wish, and dream forever? I'm so tired of watching the world through the eyes of an outsider. I can't be a part of his world if he won't even try.

Tea sighed softly and turned away. She suddenly felt the urge to slink back to bed undetected to cry herself to sleep. She had a lot to think about, unsure of how much she could take before she broke once and for all. Among her worst fears was the thought of giving in when she knew it would be the hardest thing she would ever have to do. Still, now she felt like she was grasping at straws, reaching for the impossible, chasing windmills. The fight in her was slowly ebbing away alongside her strength. But not tonight. Not on this night that she had just hours ago hoped to be so special for them. Tonight she was felt too weak and too emotionally drained to face what she'd have to do if in the end, all she'd hoped for was impossible

. She tiptoed back towards his room. She wanted to sleep in his room if this was to be her last night.

Tea was stopped in her tracks by Todd's hand on her shoulder.

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Blair took one last look around the office. She'd filed the story after putting in a long night on it. She still felt a little bad for the stunt she'd pulled earlier. She couldn't remember Todd looking like that before, and something in his face and his words touched her and pulled her back to the day she wanted to break through his Iron Curtain in that way.

Her eyes fell on Tea's picture standing on the desk. She tapped her fingers with slight annoyance. Why wasn't it her? How did Tea break through when she couldn't? It was something she couldn't understand….on the outside, she never would have guessed that Tea really was thawing him out once and for all. Somewhere along the way, she had missed the part where pretend had become reality. She shrugged her shoulders, dismissing the mystery, and ran a loving finger across the picture of her daughter. As she went towards the door, she noticed that Todd had left his tape recorder running. He had turned it on to tape the informants measly little bit of information, and failed to turn it off before he left.

His words had touched her. She knew Todd well. It was rare that he could find the words. A thought began to nag at her. Irritated with it, she tried to push it back where it came from and headed for the door.

Still…..maybe she owed him. She certainly didn't feel she owed Tea, but Starr did seem to like having her for a stepmother. She never denied her daughter anything.

"Blair, Cupid you aren't….but….oh hell…"

She grabbed the tape with Todd's heartfelt confessions safely stored on it and left the Sun. Maybe for someone it would come in handy.

To Be Continued…..