FADE AWAY - PART TWO

If I could, through myself

set your spirit free

I'd lead your heart away,

see you break, break away

into the light

- "Bad" U2

"You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you.'"

-Angela, My So-Called Life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PREVIOUSLY

Slowly they broke apart, to stare at each other. She traced his face with her hand, and smiled at him. "You're soaked," she said.

"So are you."

He ran his hand up her back, pressing her against him, feeling her warmth. He knew this was it, there was no turning back now. "Let's go someplace warm," he said.

****************************************************************************************************

They ended up in the Penthouse.
They hadn't been together in the Penthouse since Todd left, all those months ago. Tea felt so strange coming back in. Like a stranger, going in someone else's apartment.. but at the same time, it was like coming home. Todd hadn't changed a thing since she left.
"It looks just the same.." She whispered as she stepped in the door.
"What? Oh.." Todd removed his coat and threw it aside, offering to take hers. He was suddenly a little sheepish. "Well, it's too much trouble.. to, um, redecorate. And, I guess I kinda like it this way. It, it reminds me of you.." He trailed off, holding her coat, and then jumped to hang it up.
"You want something to drink?"
Tea was shivering, still thoroughly drenched by the rain. "Something warm would be nice."
"You're cold. You want to change clothes or something? I mean... there still might be some of your old stuff here.." He took her hands; they were like ice, and he could see her shivering. Tea was suddenly reminded of another time, coming in from the cold. Maybe we can rewrite history, she thought. Maybe this time we'll get it right.
"I'll be fine," she told him, but left her hands in his. They continued to look at each other.
Maybe he remembers too. "YOU should probably change clothes, you're more drenched than I am. You look like a drowned rat," she teased him, tugging on his wet hair.
"Next time we have a fight, Delgado," he teased her back, "pick a clear night. Or how about stay indoors."
"What, you're not up for a little rain? Anytime, anyplace Manning."
Todd took her completely by surprise this time, swiftly reaching his arms around her and pulling her close. But he doesn't kiss her, not then; he stares into her eyes searchingly, and smiles at her.
He ran a hand through her damp hair, twirls a piece around his finger.
"We should talk," she whispered. Her hands are on his chest, and she thinks to push him away, but never does.
"Not now."
"When?"
"Later, not tonight. Tonight is, it's hard. Not now." Her brown eyes bore into his soul. He was still reeling from the events of the evening, their confrontation in the rain. That was a promise, what he gave to her back there, he knew that. But he wasn't ready to give any more; that was a little too scary back there, and he couldn't go any farther than that right then. He knew she wanted to talk about things, about everything that had gone down between them. They would have to do it eventually. But not now. Now he just wanted to be with her, without being afraid of messing it all up.. Dragging all of the old stuff out would be difficult, and he just didn't have the energy left to keep it up with her. She wore him out sometimes, that girl. She tilted her head and sighed exaggeratedly at him; he was drifting off, staring at her.
"You don't want to talk," she smiled at him.
"Nope."
"So what do we do?"
He said the first thing that jumped into his mind: "Get out of these wet clothes." Hey, did I really say that, he thought, and then kissed her as hard as he could.
wow.That was about all Tea could think as she was knocked backwards by the force of his kiss, supported by his arms around her. She felt like she was floating. Her arms went around his neck, and she vigorously returned the kiss. His hands were in her hair, along her back, caressing her face, gently, urgently. He kissed her neck, her shoulder, her face, back to her mouth, and they were stumbling towards the stairs that led to the bedroom.
Tea was swept away by the force of her emotion, it ran through her every nerve and pounded in her racing heartbeat. "Todd.." she whispered passionately, "I love you.. so much.."
It took a few seconds for the words to penetrate, he was so focused on her every movement, and on kissing her, and then he heard her words and his heart beat even faster. Tea.. They had reached the staircase, and Tea stepped up, kissing him energetically from her new height, grinning in delight. His arms encircled her waist, and he kissed her all along the upper line of her dress, hands exploring the soft material and aching to touch the even softer skin beneath.. She laughed with pleasure, and it filled him with such happiness.. But suddenly, something snapped shut inside him, and the thought (I shouldn't do this) dropped in his stomach like a stone. He let her go.
Tea gasped audibly, catching her breath. "What.. What?" Her face was a mixture of hurt and concern, and deep frustration. He couldn't look at her.
"It's just.. I need just a minute to work this out, I swear. I just have to.. get my head together.."
Dammit, dammit, dammit. His mind was whirling, but where a minute ago it was alive with pleasure and passion, now it was clouded with fear and guilt and doubt and pain. He put his hands over his face and breathed deep, trying to regain control of himself. He couldn't let himself get out of control, not with her. He would not let himself hurt her again.
Tea watched him, wishing to God she could know what he was thinking. There were times when he was so far away from her, and she had no way to reach him. He would just shut down, and retreat from everything, to regroup in his head. She felt she had to be so careful at those times, not to do the wrong thing, to make it worse. It hurt so much to see him like this, his whole body tensed, his hands on his temples, trying to work out whatever was going on in his mind.. If there was any way for her to take this struggle away for him, she would do it, she would do anything. If there was a way for her to fight this battle for him, so that he could enjoy complete happiness for even a moment without this terrible burden, she would do it. But he kept it away from her. A few minutes went by, and she had to do something.
"Todd?" She took a step towards him, but he stepped back. He said nothing. "Please," she said softly, "let me help.."
He finally looked at her. "Look, you CAN'T, okay?" He paced to the window. "Just stoppit, alright? I don't want you to.." He stared at the window, but not through it.. At the reflection, at her staring at him with open concern. His voice was suddenly loud and cruel: "I don't want your damn pity. Leave me alone."
"It's not.." she started to say angrily, but then trailed off into a long silence. Then he heard her move, off the stairs.. Leaving? No, she came up behind him, stopped a few feet away. And waited. He finally turned to look at her, and saw the tear streaking down her cheek. She just looked at him, until he finally met her eyes.
"Don't you see, Todd, it hurts me too.. It hurts me to see you in pain. I want to help you, I want to take that hurt away. I don't know if I can, but I want to try. And you wanted to try too, back there outside the restaurant, you really wanted to give it a try.."
"Well, I changed my mind," he said stiffly. "I was wrong, it's all wrong. Delgado, I shouldn't be dragging you back into this.. MESS.. that my life is. I know I said.. But I can't do it, I can't bring you back into this. All I ever do is mess everything up, and mess everyone else up. I only hurt you, Tea." He started to bring his hand to her face, to touch her cheek, but stopped himself. God, she's crying. See, I'm right. She's got to get away while she still can, before I can mess her up too. "Just get the hell out of here, ok. I don't want you here."
Her face hardened, and her eyes turned to steel. That old Delgado Ultimate Determination look, he recognized. "I'm not going anywhere, not this time. You are NOT driving me out this time!! You can't fool me, Manning, I know you want me here every bit as much as I want to be here.."
His face remained impassive, glared at her like a stranger. Now she was really crying, but she didn't budge. "Dammit," she said, swiping furiously at the escaping tears, "you're the only one who could ever make me cry. Y'know that? Not for anyone.. But you can't get rid of me that easily. I said I'd fight for you, didn't I? I'll even fight YOU, if that's what it takes. I'm not leaving you."
He couldn't tear his eyes away from that gaze, those furious, defiant, fiercely passionate eyes. She's the only one, he thinks, the only one who ever stuck by me like this. No matter what I say, she knows what I really mean, that I don't want her to go.. But she couldn't see the cyclone of emotions that ripped through him. There was no way for him to explain to her the things he saw, the way the world haunted him with what he had done.. Everything he did, everything he looked at turned ugly. If he looked across this very room, he could see Marty, bending over the body of her husband whose death he had caused. You're not a man! You're a curse, she hissed at him. Ghosts. Armitage, cursing him, his father, telling him how worthless and useless he was.. Everything hurt. Even looking at his lovely Tea, who had been the one beautiful thing in his ugly world, he could still see a mark on her face.. I destroy everything I touch, he thought, remembering. There was a cacophony of voices, shouting at him, telling him he could never be happy, he could run away from the memories all he wanted but he could never escape himself.. He could never share these things with her, because there was only one way that he knew to let the emotion out, and that was anger.
"Tea," he said quietly. He suddenly looked so tired. "I wish I could just forget about all this stuff inside me, but I can't and I never will, so you might as well leave now."
She shakes her head. "No. We do this over and over, and I let you drive me out, but not this time. I want it all this time, all the good parts and the bad parts. Let me see what's inside you, and you can see what I have.. in MY heart.. and maybe we can figure out where to go from here." "It's not pretty. All that junk about everyone being beautiful inside, it's not even true. What I have inside me.. It's ugly, and scary, and you don't want it."
"No, I do. I *love* you... I love all of you, all the nice parts.. and the not-so-nice parts.. and the parts that hurt.. I just want to get rid of what hurts you, try to make it better." She's walked up to him, and he lets her put her hand to his face. She caresses his cheek as his eyes squeeze shut. "I know.. you can't let yourself feel good about anything.. Because you think it's going to turn on you, and that you don't deserve it.. I will NEVER turn on you, Todd. Everything I do, it's for you, for us. I don't always do it right, but what I want is for you to be able to be happy. And I wish you could be happy..with me."
He answers in the barest whisper. "I don't deserve you."
"I love you. It's a done deal, Todd, no matter what you do, you can't change it. I love you no matter what. Whatever happens, even if it means we can't be together anymore, I will still love you. But I think we CAN work through all this. Even with everything that's happened. Because you and me, we can do anything together, I know it. We came this far, and we're still in one piece and ready for more. I know that if we do it together, and trust each other.. We can make this work out.. So I'm afraid you're stuck with me, because I'm not letting you give up."
For perhaps the first time he really believes her, completely and truly, as he stares into her eyes once more and sees the force of her feelings for him. She really loves me, it dawns on him, and it's not a trick, and I didn't trick her.. She really sees what I'm like and she loves me.. And I love her.. Suddenly everything felt right, and when he stepped close to her once more and she slid into his arms, holding him tight, he felt complete..
"I'm not trying to drag you into anything, or trick you.." She whispered into his ear. "I don't want anything from you, Todd, not now, I just want to show you.. I want you to feel how much I love you, I want to share that with you.."
He wanted it too. He wanted her to understand how much he adored her.. And maybe it was alright for him to do that, because she loved him.. If she thought there was something inside him that was worth loving, some part of him that deserved to be this happy, then maybe there was some chance that it was true. He tilted her head back gently, studying her eyes.. There was no fear there, no disgust or pity. There was only love, and trust. She was making him believe it. He trusted her. And he was ready, now, to let her into his heart for good. It would mean risking everything, but it was worth it, for a chance at happiness with her. He leaned in to kiss her.. BRRRRIIINGG!!
The doorbell.
Tea smiled ruefully, and pulled back. "Saved by the bell?"
Todd paused for only a second. "What bell?" He moves to pull her close, but stops himself. "You're not backing out on me, now, are you?"
Tea shook her head, laying her hands on the back of his neck.. "No way. Now hurry up and kiss me already.."
He did.
This time, he could think of nothing else but her, and her lovely eyes staring back at him, her hands on his neck, her body pressed against him. He lost himself completely, giving in to her touch and her whispered words. Nothing else mattered.
The doorbell continued to ring. They didn't even notice. Tea was completely overwhelmed by his kisses, which were growing more and more passionate, insistent. It scared her sometimes, how he could make her feel, like she didn't know which way was up or down, the way the rest of the world could drift away when she was with him.. But the momentary panic melted into exhilaration, and she backed up the stairs, pulling him along gently. She stumbled a little, trying to ascend the stairs backwards (in heels) without letting go of him for a second. "Hey.. this is harder.. than it looks, okay?" she laughs between kisses.
"Hang on," he says, and swings her up into his arms. "Better?"
"Much," she smiled, and turned her full attention to kissing him, wrapping her arms around him. It was enough to drive Todd to distraction, and it took all his will to concentrate on navigating the stairs with her in his arms.. Just wait, Delgado. I'll show you how amazing and wonderful and desirable you are.. And just how much I've wanted to share my love with you.. He carried her into the bedroom..
They never did find out who was at the door.

THE END