Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART NINETY NINE
Satire - Part 99 - "You're A Buchanan After My Own Heart!"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 21 May 2000. This is a SATIRE CLASSIC.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. The Picture Frame Boys are worried.
2. RH meets the New Chick.
3. Botrina and Asa plot against Ben and Sam.
4. Jill finally consults with ES concerning Viki’s ending.
5. NP and Patty M have the sneak peek.
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It was early in the morning. Dim, KdP, Hill, and DV the New Chick, were walking down the halls of the OLTL studio when they passed Jill’s office. They heard loud noises coming from Jill’s office and took a peek into it since her door was ajar.
JFP had McT at parade rest and was jumping up and down on a bunch of scripts. 3 ciggies hung out of her mouth and flame burst from her nostrils. JFP was pi$$ed. The Picture Frame Boys were sitting on the casting couch as they watched JFP throw a hissy fit.
“Argh!! McT you lied!! You said this stuff would get the show recognized!! Hiss!! But no…!! We were shut out of every damn category we were nominated in!!” ranted Jill between her pi$$ing and moaning and her trashing of McT’s scripts.
KB stood up worried for his boss, “Jill, maybe you should calm down. You don’t want to get high blood pressure.”
“My a$$ Kale!! The show only won technical Emmys!! McT Promised!!” screeched Jill.
“Ah Jill,” pointed out McT, “The show was recognized. At least we got some Emmy nominations.”
Jill huffed and puffed and dragged on her ciggies, “What good is an Emmy nomination if you don’t win?! Huh, boys?”
All the Picture Frame Boys nodded their heads in vigorous agreement.
“That’s it McT!! You’re…”
McT grinned, “I wouldn’t say that if I was I you Jill. After all, who else will write your vision?” quipped McT.
Jill settled down and puffed on her ciggies.
“Broderick is available…” said JFP.
“But she’s not desperate,” grinned McT.
“Malone…?” suggested JFP.
“Malone knows better…” added McT.
“Didn’t the head writers of Guiding Light just get canned?” asked Jill.
“Sure but they can’t even write Guiding Light and you expect ‘em to write your vision?” asked McT crossing her arms.
Jill fumed.
McT grinned.
Dim, Hill, KdP and DV walked off.
“Jill must be pretty pissed that the show didn’t win at the Emmys,” said Dim.
“You can say that again,” said Hill, “By the way Kassie, that’s a perky haircut you’ve got there.”
“Thanks Hill. It’s going to take some time to get used too but I enjoy it so far,” said KdP.
Just then AngelaB, the trusty and dependable UPS girl showed up. Behind her JSS and DF were each carrying a bag of mail.
“Hill you got a bunch of birthday mail,” said AngelaB.
Hill was shocked, “Wow. I can’t believe it!”
“You’ve got some cool stuff Hill,” said DF, “Blinders for your love scenes with Sam curiosity of Jilly and Anna.”
“A Bo & Nora mouse pad for your computer…” added JSS, “From Bo & Nora Fan.”
“And a ton of birthday cards,” finished AngelaB.
“Wow,” said Hill, “Can you take all that loot to my dressing room?”
“Sure,” said DF and JSS. They walked off.
“Hill, when is your birthday?” asked DV.
“May 25th,” said Hill.
Just then RH walked up to the girls.
“Hi everyone,” said RH.
“Rog, what are you doing here? I thought your first day was May 25th?” said Dim grinning.
“I have to be fitted for wardrobe again,” said Rog smiling.
“Rog, we’re taking bets,” said KdP, “5 to 1 odds Jill will have you take off your shirt within the first 5 minutes you’re on screen.”
“Those are good odds,” said RH sadly.
“Kassie…gimme 5 bucks on those odds,” said Dim giving KdP a 5’er.
DV crossed her arms and boldly said, “Who is this dude? I’ve never seen him before.”
Dim, Hill, and KdP rolled their eyes.
“Rog plays Todd Manning,” said Dim.
“And?” asked DV with an attitude.
RH was shocked. Someone who didn’t know him.
“She’s the new chick Rog,” explained Hill.
“I bet she doesn’t drink coffee either,” added RH.
“Nope. I drink tea,” said DV proudly.
RH grinned, “Well, good luck to you new chick. If you ever have scenes with me make sure you know your lines and you show up in time to rehearse.” And with that, RH walked off.
DV looked at Dim, “He’s cute. Think he likes me?”
Dim just rolled her eyes.
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Dim walked onto the set of Buchanan Enterprises wearing a maternity power suit since Botrina was supposed to be beginning to show. PC was all ready there dragging on a stogie. JdP and RC were there as well.
George the Cameraman was trying to flirt with Poisonwood but she was too busy trying to learn her lines.
The director walked in and yelled action. The scene began.
Botrina was sitting down behind her desk at Buchanan Enterprises making million dollar deals when Asa, Max, and Skye who was glommed onto Max, walked in.
“What’s up G.D?” asked Botrina putting the phone down and smiling at Asa.
“We need a plan Botrina,” said Asa lighting a stogie. Max took a seat across from Botrina and Skye sat down next to him.
“Who are we going after now?” asked Botrina crossing her arms.
“I’ve had it with those evil, good for nothing Rappa-Davidsons. We’re finally gonna’ run ‘em out of town once and for all!!” gushed Asa, “Max, pour us some nip. Pour Botrina some OJ since she can’t drink nip.”
Max poured the drink.
“Okay,” said Botrina, “What do you think about a train wreck…?”
“Nah, we just had one…” said Asa.
“A boat accident?” suggested Botrina.
“Didn’t someone drown a few months ago?” asked Skye.
“A plane accident?” asked Botrina taking notes.
“Now that has potential,” said Max sipping on her drink.
“How about a tragic bus accident.? A bus with all the Rappa-Davidsons goes over a cliff?” suggested Botrina.
Asa evilly grinned, “I like that girl. You’re a Buchanan after my own heart!”
“But how are we gonna’ get all the Rappa-Davidsons on the same bus?” fussed Max.
“G.D., can we throw Sykes in for good measure?” asked Botrina, “I never did like him much.”
“For you Trina, anything,” smiled Asa.
“Skye – you ain’t gonna run to your former beau and spill the beans now are you?!” asked Asa crossing his arms.
“What’s in it for me Asa?” asked Skye.
“Is that all you ever say?” asked Botrina.
“Don’t worry about her Trina. I know just the man who can help us out,” said Asa.
“Who?” asked Botrina.
“Todd Manning,” beamed Asa.
The scene ended.
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CC The Newbie was sadly walking down the hall to her dressing room that she shared with Dim when she ran into Diva Hickland.
“CC, what’s wrong?” asked Diva Hickland sadly.
“He left me!!” sniffed CC, “I thought it was love!!”
“Aw…Newbie…don’t cry…who left you?” asked Diva Hickland hugging CC. Just then Diva Dano walked up with a handful of tissues and gave one to CC.
“Tim left me for another woman!!” sobbed CC.
Diva Dano began to wipe CC’s eyes with a tissue. Both divas looked into CC’s eyes.
“Tim who?” asked Diva Hickland.
“Tim Gibbs!! I thought he loved me!! He told the Star about us…!!” sniffed CC.
Both divas felt sad for CC.
“What a scoundrel!” exclaimed Diva Dano.
“She’s some exotic dancer named Sara…!!” blubbered CC bursting into uncontrollable sobs.
“Oh sweetie,” said Diva Hickland, “You’re so young…that evil picture frame boy took advantage of that but there are other fish in the sea…”
“You know for once I agree with Diva Hickland. You’re smart, funny, and natural born cutie Charissa…” added Diva Dano. She gave CC another tissue, “Here blow on a fresh one.”
CC blew her nose hard into the tissue.
“He says we can still be friends…” sniffed CC.
“They all say that,” said Diva Dano.
“Umm…girlfriend, now don’t you worry,” said Diva Hickland putting her hands on her hips, “Me and Dano will teach that mean picture frame boy a lesson…”
CC looked horrified, “No, please Diva Hickland…don’t do that!”
“Why not?” asked Diva Hickland.
“I’m afraid I’ll get a pink slip now that we broke up. I mean Laura Koffman got a pink slip. Montana BooBee left. Sue Misner got canned…” sniffed CC.
“Don’t you worry none Newbie. Diva Dano and I won’t let that happen,” said Diva Hickland firmly.
CC looked very relieved and put her absolute faith in the divas.
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Jill was sitting behind her desk puffing on 3 ciggies, listening to Twilight Zone music while she furiously scribbled notes on snickers wrappers. ES walked in with her agent, Michael M. Maverick.
“Erika!! It’s great to see you,” said JFP in her best “suck-up” voice.
ES crossed her arms, “I’m not going to bend Jill. No more open mouth deep throat kisses.”
“Not even one for Ben and Viki’s wedding?” tried Jill.
“Nope. Not one,” said Mr. Maverick.
“All right, I had Sue Gammie pick up a really hot, white virginal wedding gown and nudgie is coming up with some great original music…” started Jill.
“So what do you need me for?” asked ES.
“Well, since you have limited creative control I have to consult with you on this…” said Jill a bit annoyed.
“Whatever,” said ES, “Just no open mouth deep throat kisses.” ES turned around and walked out. As she walked out, the Picture Frame Boys walked in. They looked wicked serious.
“Why do you boys look so serious?” asked Jill dragging on her ciggies.
“Rog is back,” said KB.
“We just saw him walking down the hall…” added MD.
“Even the new chick thinks he’s cute!!” lamented TG, “What about me?! I’m cute too!!”
Jill rolled her eyes, “Get over it boys. Rog won’t steal your thunder. Not this time around.”
“He can’t steal my thunder,” said MD proudly, “Ben and Blondie are hot!! They’re the HOTTEST thing on the show!! Nothing can come between them. Not even Todd.”
“You numbskull!” said Woodsy smacking MD upside the head, “Of course there won’t be a Viki and Todd. They’re brother and sister.”
“Oh,” said MD.
JFP sighed.
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It was late in the evening. Dim and CC The Newbie were hanging out in their dressing room drinking H20 with JSS, EP, dressed as Expensive Poisonwood Rosie, and TDS. TDS was reading a comic book. There was a knock on the door.
“C’Mon in!” yelled CC.
RH opened the door, “Mind if I come in and hang out?” he asked.
“Not at all,” said Dim.
RH high-fived TDS and sat down.
“What’s up?” asked RH, “Anyone hear from Flo lately?”
Just then as if on cue, AngelaB, the UPS girl showed up with a postcard from Flo for Dim.
Dim read, “Dear Dim, I’m waiting for the show to make me an offer I can’t refuse. Tell Rog I said Hi. Flo.”
“Just think – a Todd, Téa, and RJ triangle would rock the house…” grinned TDS.
“I agree,” said RH.
NP and Patty M walked in. They hugged RH and produced a snicker’s wrapper.
NP read, “Ang, what did you want me to offer Flo? I can’t remember. I have a short attention span. By the way. Rachel and Jared are going to have a hot affair. Jill.”
“Who is Jared?” asked JSS.
“I dunno…” said EP.
“Jill Will Pay,” muttered Dim.
NEXT:
And Jill does pay!! It’s SATIRE #100 and Jill gets what’s coming to her!!
GUEST STARING: Laura Koffman, Kevin Stapleton, Robin Strasser, Stephen Markle, Clint Ritchie, Sue Misner, Elizabeth Rohm, Will Kempe, Sandra P. Grant, Sam Ball, and many, many more!!
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