Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART NINETY EIGHT
Satire - Part 98 - "Keep McT Away From The Mirrors!"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 14 May 2000. This is a SATIRE CLASSIC.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. The 2000 fan club lunch! Featuring lots of guest stars.
2. Does Kale Brown find the mail?
3. Will McT and TT finally kiss?
4. Is Don Jeffcoat really a girl?
5. The divas fuss over ES’s wedding dress.
6. Jill giggles
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It was early in the morning. Dim, Hill, KdP, CC The Newbie, EP dressed as Expensive Poisonwood Rosie, Patty E. and Patty M. were in the commissary drinking coffee and eating a light breakfast.
“Well guys, the fan club lunch is tomorrow,” said Dim.
“Cool,” said EP, “I get to show off all of Poisonwood’s expensive new clothes.”
“I hear Jill made a table for disgruntled internet fans and put it in the back,” said Patty E.
“That way when it comes to the Q&A no one can hear them ask a question,” quipped Dim.
“Hey! I’m excited! Now I don’t have to steal a smoke in the girl’s room since I’ve got a contract,” grinned CC dragging on her ciggie.
“Hill, did Kale Brown ever find the mail?” asked KdP.
“Sadly, Kale hasn’t had much luck,” said Hill grinning.
“Patty E., you think that cutie from AMC, Michael Nader will show up?” asked Patty M with a gleam in her eye.
“I know Diva Hickland is bringing Michael E. Knight,” said Dim.
“I don’t know Patty M., but he’s a little hottie. What do you think of Dimitri in that clinic? Aren’t the doctors mean to him?” asked Patty E.
“They sure are. I like Dimitri with Alex,” added Patty M.
“Hey, Waitaminute – why are you two gushing about AMC? This is “One Life To Live!!” pointed out Dim.
“Dim, there ain’t nothing on this show to gush about…” replied Hill, “Except maybe that little hottie Ty Treadway.”
CC looked at her watch, “Guys we gotta’ go.” The crew got up and left. It was just another boring and mundane day at the OLTL studios but Dim had a feeling something big was going to happen soon. Very soon.
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Dim walked onto the hospital set dressed in a Botrina Tran power suit. KB, RSW, TG, DJ, PC, ET, Patty E., MS, JdP, RC, MD and TDS were all ready there.
DJ walked up to Dim, “I checked the mail room today Dim. It was bone dry.”
“I guess we won’t be doing mail call today,” said Dim, “You know something has to happen soon Don. I mean, it’s like no one cares. Mail is down. Messages on the internet stay up for two weeks or more…”
Just then KB walked up, “Dim, Don, where do you guys pick up the mail?”
Dim and Don shared an evil grin.
“Kale you poor guy, you’ll never find the mail,” said Dim.
“I won’t?” he questioned.
DJ patted his back, “When you’ve been on mail call as long as we have you get to be buddies with the mail clerks. They only give the mail to us.”
KB crossed his arms, “That doesn’t sound right.”
Just then the director walked in and yelled ‘Action!’ Everyone took their places and the scene began.
“So Larry,” said Bo, “What’s hemophilia?”
Larry paused. Ben crossed his arms and smiled. He loved watching Asa’s family squirm. Botrina and RJ looked worried. Asa had Max pour him some nip. Skye was still glommed onto Max. Renee looked worried too. However, before Larry could speak, Kevin, Joey, Jessie and Sam walked in.
RJ got mad, “What did Kevin, Joey, and Jessie show up?”
“I called ‘em over. They are Buchanans after all and we need all the support we can get,” said Asa.
“So why did Sam show up?” asked Botrina.
“Ben called me over because he figured I would enjoy watching all you Buchanan’s squirm,” said Sam bobbing his head.
Ben sneered, “Yeah!” he grunted.
Botrina rolled her eyes, “So much for medical privacy.”
“Look, who cares, right? What’s this hemophilia stuff? I want the bottom line up front. Can Botrina die? If so, is it because I gave her some bad gene? Basically, I wanna’ know if I can still have sex,” insisted Bo.
Skye whispered to Max, “That’s all you Buchanans think about, isn’t it? Sex.”
RJ shot Bo a dirty look, “Look man, don’t you care about your own daughter?! I can’t believe you’re more worried about your sex life!!”
Ben and Sam laughed at the Buchanans.
“Calm down,” said Larry taking control, “Bo you didn’t give Botrina anything. Hemophilia is passed down through the mother to her children. It’s like this, there’s something missing in the genetic make up. You know how when you get a cut your blood clots and you stop bleeding? Well when someone has hemophilia, their blood is missing that genetic something so their blood doesn’t clot so a person can literally bleed to death. Usually girls are carriers. That means they’re not affected but boys are. The double X the girls have in their genes manages to block that genetic “something”. Boys have XY so that’s why they get it. Botrina is a carrier. Am I making sense?” asked Larry frustrated.
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed a distraught Renee.
Asa took a double shot of nip.
RJ and Botrina looked worried for their baby.
Bo smiled. He could still have sex. It wasn’t his fault Botrina had hemophilia.
Ben and Sam evilly laughed at the Buchanan tragedy.
RJ, pi$$ed, didn’t know who to throttle first, Bo, Sam, or Ben so he want after all 3 of them. The scene ended.
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It was Saturday and time for the OLTL luncheon. It was at the plush downtown Manhattan Marriott hotel. Dim had gotten tickets for her fan club, “The Botrina Tran Testosterone Brigade.” SEW, George the Cameraman, AngelaB the trusty and dependable UPS girl on a rare day off, Jer, JaCk, M&M Gal, Louise, Apricot, BenFan, Daisy & Uncle Tony, The Phantom, Natalie, Skye_Kevin Fan, Tonya, Jilly, Anna, Bo & Nora Fan, Esther, MaryAnn, Starrstruck and Jules all showed up. Liz2 came with Jonathan Reiner prepared to do battle over the nasty notepad. The diabolical Marlena DeLacroix, uninvited as usual, crashed the party. The hotel was packed with lots of fans, actors, and crew and everyone was socializing before the event got under way.
Patty E. and David Fumero were passing out Renee & Cris ”Undeniable Chemistry” autographed bumper stickers. Dim and Hill were signing autographs in the lobby. Poisonwood was passing out authentic “Kevie-Wevie” voodoo dolls and charm bags. The Picture Frame boys were auctioning off signed Picture Frames for charity. Skye_Kevin Fan bought one with TG’s signature on it.
CC The Newbie and TG held hands everywhere they went. ET and DF were attached at the hip and the DePaivas made goo-goo eyes and lovey-dovey faces at each other all day. JFP walked around the room, admiring all the pretty decorations, while smoking 3 ciggies and followed by KB, JB, Woodsy, MD, and a group of minions.
“Guys,” said JFP, “We need a plan. I don’t want this year’s lunch to turn into some fiasco like last year.”
“Well, at least the fans aren’t boycotting this year,” said KB.
“What do you suggest Jill?” asked JB, “Your wish is our command.”
“Woodsy, stick close to the press. Buzzy, Liz2 and Marlena. Lord knows what rumors Marlena will stir up…” instructed Jill as she plotted.
“You don’t want me to do the Q&A this year?” asked Woodsy a bit hurt.
“Nah. You don’t need the grief. I’ll get some poor unsuspecting sucker like Alyssa The Hairdresser or Melissa The Makeup Chick to do it,” said Jill dragging on her ciggie, “By the way, has anyone seen my wayward Headwriter, McT?”
“No,” said KB.
“John, go hunt McT down and stick to her like glue. The last thing I need is McT to go spouting off like she runs the show or something. I knew I should have put her on a leash this morning!!” fussed Jill, “And John…”
JB grinned, “Yes, Jill?”
“Keep McT away from the mirrors,” said Jill.
JB ran off.
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JSS had accompanied Dim to the lunch and after Dim signed autographs they began to mingle. TT, DV, and the guy who played Jared hung out in the corner all by themselves since they were so new. Kamar de los Reyes was picking at the appetizers on the head table.
“Something special is gonna’ happen today. I can feel it,” said JSS whispering into Dim’s ear.
“I agree,” said Dim, “Hey, I need to use the bathroom right quick.”
“Okay, I’ll wait for you,” said JSS.
They walked up to the girl’s bathroom where JB was pacing in front of the door.
Dim and JSS looked at him, “John, WHAT are you doing?”
“Just waiting for McT…” he said crossing his arms.
“Poor McT. She can’t catch a break,” said JSS.
Meanwhile…
In the bathroom…
McT was looking in the mirror and powdering her nose. She wore a complimenting red dress.
”You can pull it off Meg! Not only can you land Roger Howarth to a new contract but if you stick to your guns, that new hottie Ty Treadway will kiss you too!!” said Mirror McT propping up her hair.
McT smiled, “I’m nervous…”
”What are you nervous about? Remember…Rog called you. Offer him a multi-year contract…with lots of options. He’ll bite and Jill will have to approve of it. Unfortunately it will make Jill look good too but we know who the hero is…” pointed out Mirror McT with a devious grin.
“But Mirror McT!! John Bolger has been following me around like a hawk! He’ll tattle to Jill when I meet with Rog…and if she sees me kiss Ty…my dream man…that’s it! I’m through. I’m canned!! I’m canned like the Spam was!! I’ll never get my man!!” said McT anxiously touching up her lipstick.
”Meet with Rog in a secret place. Like the coatroom. No one ever looks in the coatroom…” added Mirror McT, “Besides, Jill can’t can you!! Remember who else is going to write her VISION?”
Suddenly the door opened and Dim walked in. McT was so startled and nervous the contents of her purse flew out all over the bathroom.
“McT? You all right?” asked Dim helping to pick up McT’s mess.
McT walked past Diva Hickland while giving JB the slip on her way to her secret meeting with Roger Howarth in the coatroom. Diva Hickland was showing the costume designer, Susan Gammie a bunch of wedding books and they were discussing pink dresses for Erika Slezak to wear when her character married Ben. Michael E. Knight, bored out of his mind caught up with TDS and NP who were spiking the punch as usual with SEW and natalie’s help.
“Just then Diva Dano walked up to Diva Hickland and Sue.
“Girls,” said Diva Dano, “I got the perfect dress!”
“It’s not purple is it?” said Diva Hickland putting her hands on her hips, “Purple is sooooo passé for a wedding dress.”
“I’ve got more class than to recommend a purple wedding dress. I found this really elegant, majestic even, white virginal wedding gown…” said Diva Dano holding up a two page spread.
Diva Hickland’s mouth dropped. The dress was gorgeous.
“But…I think it’s too much. I mean Viki’s had like 5 or 6 husbands…I think pink is more appropriate…” said poor Sue Gammie trying to be nice.
Diva Hickland grinned, “See, I won by default.”
Diva Dano frowned, “Don’t be too sure of yourself Hickland. I’ve got a few more tricks up my sleeve. You haven’t won the war yet.”
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Dim got Hill, Patty E., and KdP to go snooping after McT with her. Just as they were about to check out the coatroom, Florencia Lozano walked in!
“We’re so glad you could make it!” added KdP grinning.
“I’m glad I could too,” she said. They walked back inside and forgot all about snooping on McT as they hung out at the punch bowl with the guys and caught up on the latest gossip.
Meanwhile…
Inside the coatroom…
Hidden behind all the coats, McT was making Roger Howarth an offer he couldn’t refuse in exchange for his help to get that little hottie Ty Treadway to give her a kiss. Rog signed the contract and McT was giddy with glee.
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Jill walked around the room puffing on her ciggies.
“Kale, something isn’t right,” said JFP.
“Like what?” asked Kale.
Just then JB walked up, “Jill, I lost McT.”
Jill crossed her arms, “Well, put out an APB on her a$$!! She’s up to something!!”
JB ran off. Just then, the diabolical Marlena DeLacroix waltzed up to Jill.
“Jill, what’s this I hear about Judith Light, Andrea Evans and Roger Howarth coming back for Viki’s June wedding?” asked Marlena.
Jill frowned.
KB and MD looked upset, “Jill, you can’t go to Guiding Light!” they exclaimed.
“Why not?” asked Jill.
“We’ll be on the unemployment line as soon as you leave the show!!” they cried and fussed.
“Yeah, but if I went to Guiding Light I’d take you with me,” quipped Jill, “You are my friends after all.”
Suddenly Liz2 and JR were attracted to the rumors and butted in, “Really Jill? You’d consider going to Guiding Light?” asked Buzzy.
“I sure would. I’d make Guiding Light must see TV!!” said Jill all proud of herself.
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Flo was mingling with the girls when she heard a ”psst” directed at her. She looked around and spotted a big rubber tree plant.
“Psst…Flo…”
Flo walked up to the plant. Roger Howarth was behind it!
“Rog!” she exclaimed.
“Ssshhh!” said Rog, “I’ve got a secret and I need your help.”
“You name it,” said Flo.
“I resigned with the show but Jill doesn’t know it yet. Anyway I have to have your help in getting McT and Ty Treadway, the new guy together!” whispered Rog.
“Congratulations Rog!” said Flo, “I’ll do anything to help you out.”
“You should come back to the show Flo. We’d have a blast…” whispered RH.
“Sorry Rog, I want to try some other stuff. Maybe later on in the year if Jill will finally make me a decent offer…” said Flo.
“That’s cool…here’s what I need you to do…” he whispered.
Flo let Rog whisper into her ear his plan.
*****************************************************************************************************
Jill saw Flo whispering to the rubber tree plant.
“Why is Flo whispering to a plant?” she asked her Picture Frame Boys.
MD and KB just shrugged their shoulders, “I dunno…” they mumbled.
Just then Fiona Hutchinson, Tonya Walker, and Thom Christopher walked in. The fans began to wildly cheer. Before Jill could react the OLTL fan club president told Jill it was time for the Q&A. Jill was frustrated. McT was no where to be found, Marlena was starting up some crazy rumors and Fiona, Tonya, and Thom attracted more fans than her friends did and too boot…Flo was whispering to a rubber tree plant!
Jill got up on one of the tables and got everyone’s attention, “Okay girls and boys, thanks for coming to the fan club lunch. This year Melissa The Makeup Chick, Alyssa the Hairdresser and George the Cameraman are going to answer your questions about the show…”
Melissa, Alyssa, and George were stunned as they stood up.
“Why won’t Woodsy answer our questions this year?” asked Jilly.
“He’s got laryngitis,” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.
“So Melissa, is Roger Howarth coming back?” asked Starrstruck.
“If you wish for something hard enough, it might come true,” said Melissa.
“George, is it true you and Poisonwood are having an affair?” asked Anna.
“I wish!” exclaimed George.
“What’s next for Botrina and RJ? I don’t want them to get divorced. They’re my favorite all time couple,” said Jer.
“Well, it all depends on Jill’s mood,” answered Alyssa.
“Is Don Jeffcoat really a girl?” asked M&M shyly.
DJ stood up, “Well Jill thinks I am but assure you I’m a 100% all guy.” He gave M&M a hug.
“When will Bo & Nora get back together…?” asked MaryAnn.
“Uhm….” Said Melissa.
JFP noticed Flo was now whispering into Ty Treadway’s ear. Something was up.
Just then McT made a GRAND entrance with RH on her arm. Everyone stood up and cheered. JFP was in shock!
“Hi Everyone!!” gushed McT, “The show just signed Roger Howarth to a multi-year contract!!”
Jill dropped her mouth and all her ciggies fell out onto the floor.
TG passed out.
The Picture Frame Boys began pi$$ing and moaning, all worried that Rog would steal their thunder again.
The fans roared with excitement.
Dim turned to JSS, “This is great news. McT is a hero!!”
“Jill!! You finally did something right!! Congratulations!!” exclaimed Buzzy, patting Jill on the back.
Ty Treadway walked out of his corner and approached McT. RH gave McT to TT.
“Meg, you’re my hero too,” said TT.
They looked at each other with Insta-lust desire in their eyes.
The fans stood up, “Kiss her you fool!!” they screamed.
JFP looked mortified. She felt like “Caesar” from the “Gladiator” movie. Picture Frame Boys had standards!! He couldn’t just kiss her!!
Ty Treadway leaned in for the kill and kissed McT softly and gently.
“Awwww…” gushed the crowd at the romantic kiss.
JFP just crossed her arms and looked at KB. She was jealous, “There’s too much love in this room Kale.”
“Jill, if I was you, I’d leave McT alone. She’s made you look good today too…” chimed in Dim as her and JSS nuzzled each other. The DePaivas kissed, CC woke TG up with a peck on the cheek and ET and DF held hands.
JFP just puffed on her ciggies and everyone sat down and ate lunch. The OLTL Fan club lunch was a big success!! Now that RH had resigned with the show there was a lot of excitement in the air!
NEXT:
1. The Picture Frame Boys are worried.
2. RH meets the new chick.
3. Botrina & Asa plot against Ben and Sam.
4. Jill FINALLY consults with ES concerning Viki’s wedding.
5. NP and Patty M got the sneak peek.
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