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Satire - Part 95 - "Just Flash Her Some Man-Breast Chest"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 23 APR 2000.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. JB tries to schmooze Liz2 at a social event.
2. Will little KA find what she’s looking for?
3. Jill is furious over Dim & Tim’s civil disobedience.
4. McT goes on a date!!
5. The diabolical Marlena DeLacroix spars with Jill.
6. The Buchanans are happy for Botrina & RJ.
7. NP and Patty M got the sneak peek.
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It was early in the morning and Jill was furious. She was smoking extra heavy-duty ciggies and cussing at McT, in her office. Jill’s Picture Frame Boys were sitting on the Casting Couch watching and listening.
“Look McT…you are suppose to write what I tell you and sing my party line to the press!! Carlotta was never supposed to have sex with Colin and Botrina and RJ weren’t suppose to get pregnant!!” yelled Jill waving her finger at McT.
“But Jill!!” protested McT, “The fans wanted it!! Can’t we give the fans what they want?!”
“No McT, we can’t!!” said JFP throwing a hissy fit and jumping up and down on McT’s latest scripts stomping them to shreds, “The fans don’t share my vision!! The fans want the drivel the Labines served up and the pukefest that Malone wrote!! The show was boring then!! I’m exciting McT!! Me!!”
“But Jill…” started McT.
“Don’t but me McT. You wanna’ be another causality of my unemployment line?! You write it my way or it’s the highway!! Look, May is dead baby month so I want you to do the right thing McT and fix the Botrina and RJ mess.”
“Whatever…” muttered McT desperately wishing she could look in the mirror right now.
Jill waved her arms around, “Tim, go get Dim and Tim Stickney!! I have to have words with them!! They got McT into this mess!!” she dragged on her ciggies and an extra heavy-duty puff of smoke escaped her lips.
Tim Gibbs ran out like a little lap dog.
Just then little KA, JSS, and DF walked in.
“Whose the kid?!” asked Jill pointing to little KA.
Little KA rolled her eyes like a mini-Blair.
“Look Jill, where do you keep all your important documents?” asked DF clutching little KA’s hand.
“Under the Casting Couch,” answered Jill.
Little KA whispered to JSS.
“We’ll be back later,” said JSS. They walked out.
“Kale go find out who that kid is,” yelled JFP.
KB jumped off the couch and immediately complied with JFP’s request.
“McT, go lock yourself up in Spam Long’s old office. And don’t think I’m gonna’ let out for tonight’s party!!” threatened Jill.
“Sure Jill,” said McT sadly. She walked out of Jill’s office feeling bad that she had screwed up and ran into Ty Treadway.
“McT you sweetie, why do you look so sad?” asked TT flashing her his eye candy grin.
“Jill blames me for everything,” said McT.
“Look, I need a date for tonight and you need to be cheered up so why don’t you go with me?” he suggested.
McT instantly looked up and smiled, “Sure Ty.”
“Good,” said TT, “I’ll see you tonight.” He walked off. McT couldn’t believe her luck.
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Dim and Tim Stickney walked into JFP’s office followed by Tim Gibbs. TDS wore purple and Dim was in a power suit.
“Rogue!” yelled Dim.
“Kitty Pryde!” said TDS.
“Rogue!”
“Kitty Pryde!”
“What are you two arguing about?!” said JFP putting her hands on her hips, puzzled by their playful banter. Didn’t they know she was going to ream them a new one?
“Which X-Men kicked more a$$, Kitty Pryde or Rogue?” quipped Dim.
“Me!!” yelled JFP, “I’m the baddest X-Man of the all and I’m gonna’ skin you two alive!!” said JFP dragging on her ciggies.
“Did we piss you off?” asked TDS crossing his arms.
“You two went against the scripts now I gotta’ kill another baby and break you up for good,” said JFP coldly.
JB giggled into MD’s ear, “Serves ‘em right,” he snickered.
“But we’re fan favorites!!” protested TDS.
“The fans will never forgive you!!” cried Dim.
“The fans haven’t forgive me for Clint, Cassie, Dorian, and Todd leaving. Think that phases me?!” said JFP turning red in the face, “Now you’re going to play what’s on the script or I’ll show you a pink slip so fast your head will spin!!”
Tim and Dim hung their heads.
“And when you go to Poisonwood’s congratulations party tonight you two better make nice!! And stay away from the diabolical Marlena DeLacroix. She’s notorious for airing the show’s dirty laundry in her column!!”
“Whatever Jill,” said TDS and Dim.
“All right. Now scram!!” yelled JFP dragging on her ciggies. Tim and Dim left.
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Dim gathered her things and walked onto the set in a power suit. JdP, PC, RC, and Patty E were all ready there.
“Dim we heard Jill gave you and Tim a real a$$ chewing,” said JdP.
Just then TDS walked in, looked at his back side and glanced up, “Thankfully I was using my invisible force field so my a$$ is still here…”
“I feel bad for you guys, I really do,” said RC.
Just then the guy who plays Jared walked past them.
“Who is that?” asked PC, “I’ve never seen him around before.”
“I dunno…” said Patty E.
George the Cameraman walked up, “I hear the fans FF him anyway. Sorry to hear about Jill guys.”
“No biggie George,” said Dim, “Jill don’t phase me none.”
“Are you going to Poisonwood’s party tonight George?” asked RC.
“I sure am,” grinned George.
Just then the director walked in. George took his spot behind the camera and the director yelled ‘Action!’ The scene began.
Asa was sitting on the couch in the Buchanan mansion with Renee when Botrina and RJ walked in.
“Guess what G.D.,” grinned Botrina.
Asa got up, “I heard G.D! Expecting my G.G.D, are you?!” he handed RJ a stogie, “Good work boy.”
RJ grinned like a proud father.
“Yes!” added Renee beaming with pride, “Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” said Botrina hugging Renee.
“Max!!” yelled Asa, “Get in here!! We’re fixing to celebrate!!”
Max came running in. Skye was glommed onto him.
“Paw! Is it time for your medication?”
“Take a pill Max. Your niece is expecting,” said Asa like a proud grandfather.
“Have you told Bo yet?” asked Renee.
“We haven’t seen Bo,” said RJ.
“I think he’s in hiding or something,” added Botrina.
“I worry about that boy,” said Asa, “I think he thinks he’s a RappaDavidson or something the way he hangs out with them.”
“I love you still G.D.,” said Botrina hugging Asa. Asa hugged her back and the scene ended.
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JFP had made arrangements to throw a big party at a fancy downtown Manhattan restaurant for Poisonwood since she won the ALMA for Best Actress. She invited all the press except Marlena DeLacroix who she knew would crash the party anyway. Jill even invited the OLTL crew including Melissa the Makeup Chick and Alyssa The Hairdresser.
As everyone walked in, Jill, smoking her ciggies, was surrounded by her Picture Frame Boys and watched the door like a hawk to see who would come in.
Dim and JSS came together. Hill brought her husband. Patty E and Patty M came in wearing Poisonwood wigs. GT and DJ arrived together. CC The Newbie wasn’t feeling good and stayed home claiming Poisonwood had hexed her for going out with Tim Gibbs. ET and DF showed up. Diva Hickland came with special guest Michael E. Knight from AMC. Even Erika Slezak showed up. TDS and NP spiked the punchbowl. RC brought her husband, Matt Crane.
JFP gloated, “Man this will show all those naysayers about me and minorities!!”
“Yeah Jill!!” agreed TG.
Jill held up her ciggie. KB lit it.
“Boys, I’m telling you – this is great press!! I’m gonna’ milk it!!” added JFP, “Kale go check with Diva Hickland and make sure she brought the cake.”
KB ran off.
“Jill look! Buzzy just walked in with Liz2!!” said Woodsy.
Jill evilly chuckled, “And she’s got that Nasty Notepad!! John, go schmooze that nasty notepad away from her.”
“Me?” asked JB, “Liz2 is ruthless!!”
“Dude, just flash her some man-breast chest and she’ll get weak in the knees for you!!” said MD patting JB on the back.
“All right,” said JB undoing the top two buttons of his Hawaiian shirt showing off a hint of his finely massaged and toned man-breast. He walked off.
Dim joined Hill, KdP, Alyssa, and Melissa by the appetizers tray.
“Fancy shindig, huh?” asked Dim.
“I wonder where Poisonwood is,” said Hill, “This party is for her and she’s not here.”
Just then Erika Slezak walked up with a cute little 30ish guy next to her.
“Erika!” said KdP, “Who is the cutie?”
“Girls – meet my agent, Mr. Michael M. Maverick. We have some things to discuss with Jill…” said ES.
“Contract things,” said Michael.
“No way Diva Slezak! Are you getting tough with Jill?” asked Dim.
“Enough is enough girls. I can only take so much. I don’t do open-mouth-tongue-down-my-throat-kissing anymore,” said ES crossing her arms, “I’m not a spring chicken like Woodsy.”
“You don’t?” asked Melissa.
Michael held up a contract, “It’s in her contract. No open mouth kissing.”
“You rock Diva!!” exclaimed Dim.
“Put your foot down!!” added Alyssa.
ES just grinned.
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JFP and her boys were still watching the door when they saw the diabolical Marlena DeLacroix finally crash the party.
She swatted RSW upside this arm, “I knew it was only a matter of time before she’d show up.”
“Want me kick her out?” asked Woodsy.
“Nah…” said JFP puffing on her ciggies, “Let her try and dig up dirt on me.”
“Holy Begeebers!! Look Jill!!” said TG pointing to the door way.
McT and TT walked in arm and arm.
“McT and the new guy?!” exclaimed MD.
“Will wonders never cease?!” cried Jill, “What’s McT got that I ain’t got?”
“A mirror?” said Woodsy.
TT lead McT out onto the dance floor and they danced the night away.
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JB walked up to Liz2 and Buzzy who were chatting with the DePaivas. Liz2 was instantly suspect of his motives.
“Hi Jon. Hi Liz2,” he said flashing his pearly whites, “Enjoying yourselves so far?”
“So far,” said Buzzy.
Liz2 crossed her arms, “You might want to button that shirt John. You could catch a cold. It hasn’t warmed up that much in New York. It’s only April.”
JB leered at her, paused and buttoned his shirt up.
“So John, I heard you landed a part on NYPD Blue,” started Buzzy.
“Yeah. I play a dirty cop,” he said proudly.
“That’s right up your alley,” said Liz2.
“Would you like to dance?” asked JB seductively.
“No,” said Liz2.
“Would you like a drink?” he said trying a different approach.
“No,” said Liz2.
“How about some flowers?” he asked getting desperate.
“No.”
“You know, you could let me hold your nasty notepad while you go to the bathroom and put on your makeup,” he said lamely.
“I don’t think so,” said Liz2. She walked off leaving JB empty handed.
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The diabolical Marlena DeLacroix walked up to Dim, Hill, GT, ET, Patty E and Patty M.
“Hi girls,” said MDLC, “Quite a crowd, huh?”
“Sure enough,” said Hill.
“Where’s Poisonwood? Isn’t she the guest of honor? I’d love to congratulate her,” said MDLC.
“We don’t know,” said ET, “We haven’t seen her all night.” “And we wore these stupid Poisonwood Fashion wigs just for her!!” pouted Patty E and Patty M.
“Maybe she had better things to do,” suggested GT.
Everyone wondered where Poisonwood was.
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Jill glared at KB as she dragged her ciggies, “Are you going to ask me to dance or what? After all, McT is dancing the night away. I should too.”
Before KB could ask Jill, MDLC got in Jill’s face.
“Jill, what’s this CRUD?! There’s a nasty rumor going around that you’re fixing to murder another baby!! First Georgie’s baby, then Jessica’s baby and then Lindsay’s baby!! Don’t you think your death toll is high enough?!”
Jill looked flabbergasted.
“No,” she replied.
“If you kill this baby I’ll NEVER give you another good write in my column!! Ever!!” threatened MDLC.
That was the last thing Jill needed to hear, “Well you know Marlena, I firmly believe it’s time to establish Llanview’s next generation and I’m starting with Botrina…” said Jill through gritted teeth.
“Good. So where’s Poisonwood? Isn’t this party for her?” asked MDLC.
Jill puffed her ciggies, “I dunno…”
“Say Jill,” said Dim walked up, “You did tell Poisonwood you were throwing her a party for her in honor of her ALMA award right?”
Jill looked at her Picture Frame Boys. They all shrugged their shoulders.
“I knew I forget something…” muttered Jill dragging on her ciggies.
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NP and Patty M walked over to Dim, TDS, Hill, Patty E, ET, and GT.
NP held up a snickers wrapper and Patty M read it.
“Colin finds Nora in the train wreck and she is surprised to discover how much he looks and acts like Todd Manning…” read Patty M with her Poisonwood wig still on.
Hill was shocked, “That’s the LAST thing Nora needs!!”
“You know Jill. She has no class,” added Patty E.
“Jill Will Pay,” said Dim.
NEXT:
1. Mirror McT is back!
2. Botrina gets news about her health.
3. Patty E goes into action!
4. Dim and Don do mail call.
5. NP and Patty M got the sneak peek.
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