Satire - Part 90 - "I Wish I Had Erika Slezak's Contract!!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 18 MAR 2000.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. RJ finds Antonio sniffing around his woman.
2. DV gets a dressing room.
3. Mail call is back!
4. Mirror McT RANTS!!
5. NP and Patty M get the sneak peek.

It was early in the morning. Dim, ET,GT, KdP, CC The Newbie, EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, and Patty E were hanging out in front of Hill’s dressing room waiting for Fill to show up. To their surprise, Hill, holding a Starbuck’s coffee mug walked down the hall.

“It’s Hill!” yelled CC puffing on her ciggie.

“Hill’s back!” grinned Dim.

Everyone ran up to Hill and gave her big emotional bear hugs. Hill sniffed.

“Well, it’s good to see you guys too…” said Hill, “How was Fill?”

“Fill was cool but we missed you,” said ET smiling.

“Cool,” said Hill. She opened her dressing room door and everyone followed her in.

“Hill, you didn’t miss much scoop,” said GT going for her glamour magazines. She wanted to experiment with yet another new ‘do.

Patty E held up a list, “I’m sure you heard you and Erin were nominated for Emmys. We’re all proud of you.”

ET and Hill blushed, “Thanks,” they gushed.

“Kassie, how did you make out on the rating bets?” asked EP dressed as Poisonwood Rosie. She was reading a book called, ”How to spend a Million Bucks”

KdP grinned and whiped out her palm pilot, “I made out like a fat rat. Ratings fell .4 points,”

“Charissa, have you heard from SEW lately?” asked Hill.

“No, I haven’t. I think he dissed me…” sniffed CC puffing hard on her ciggie.

“You know Charissa, divas don’t say “diss” said Patty E.

“Really? I didn’t know that. Robin didn’t cover that in her latest correspondence course…” said CC scratching her ear.

“Maybe you should ask Diva Hickland for diva lessons?” suggested ET, “I’m too young or I would.”

“Yeah Charissa – ask Diva Hickland. She’s cool,” said GT, “Erin, what do you think about this ‘do?”

ET looked at GT’s magazine, “It’s got potential. Ask Alyssa if she can hook you up.”

CC puffed on her ciggie. It was better to do hands on Diva training. Maybe she would ask Diva Hickland.

Just then there was a knock on the door. DV peeked her head in.

“Hi. Remember me?” asked DV looking lost.

“Sure, C’Mon in,” said Dim.

“What’s up?” asked Patty E.

“Jill told me I would be sharing a dressing room with Erika Slezak but Erika showed Jill her contract and it says she doesn’t get roomies so now I don’t have a dressing room…” lamented DV.

“Man, Jill did you like she did Sue,” muttered Gina.

“Who was Sue?” asked Dim.

“You can room with me,” said Hill being nice.

“I wish I had Erika Slezak’s contract…” said Dim.

“You aren’t the only one!!” said KdP.

“Hey Kassie, is it true? Is Blair going to get her brain back too?” asked Hill.

DV walked in with a duffle bag and Hill pointed to her side of the room.

“I don’t know…it’s too soon to tell,” said KdP, “But I sure hope she does…”

“Darls, what’s in the bag?” asked EP.

“Would you believe all my worldly possessions?” said DV.

“You might work out after all,” said Patty E. grinning.

********************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto Carlotta’s diner set dressed in a really short skirt and a tight shirt that made her breasts stick out. George the Cameraman oogled her and drooled like a dog while he was setting up his camera.

“Dim!” exclaimed Patty M. behind the counter, “Where’s your power suit?”

“Jill hid all my power suits and made me wear this,” fussed Dim.

George wiped the drool off his chin. No one could compare to his Poisonwood though.

DF, KdlR, TDS, NP, and some guy named Herve something that no one could remember was even a contract player on the show, showed up ready to tape. The director walked in and yelled ‘Action!’

The scene began.

Antonio was sitting at the counter. Cris was helping to serve customers and Carlotta was taking orders. Hank was sitting in a corner reading a newspaper.

Botrina walked in and seductively walked up to the counter. Antonio looked at her. He had to wipe the slobber from his chin.

“So what brings Mrs. Gannon down to this humble and lowly diner?” asked Antonio.

“I’m hungry,” said Botrina, “I’ll take a ham and cheese on rye Carlotta.”

“Sure,” said Carlotta. She went out back.

Antonio raked his eyes over Botrina, “So you give any thought to what I said the other day?”

“Shame on you Antonio, not asking about my grandfather first,” said Botrina smiling at him.

“So how is he?” asked Antonio.

“Alive,” said Botrina.

Antonio put his hand over Botrina’s and began to rub it, causing her hand to tingle.

Just then RJ and Roseanne walked in. Roseanne was all decked out in designer duds. RJ walked up to Antonio, put his hand on his shoulder, spun him around and decked him.

“Don’t you be putting the moves on my woman!!” yelled RJ.

Hank, in his gratuitous scene for the week, found his way out of the corner with the new guy Jared and broke up the fight.

“RJ!!” fussed Botrina, “Nothing is going on between me and Antonio.”

“Well if he makes another pass at you I’ll make sure he doesn’t…” hissed RJ. He was upset.

“So,” said Roseanne trying to ease the tension, “Téa just sent me a million bucks. How do you think I should spend it?”

Everyone looked at her in astonishment.

“Does this mean I’m never gonna’ get that annulment?” whined Cris.

The scene ended.

********************************************************************************************************

CC and Poisonwood were walking down the hall when Tim Gibbs, in a rush to get to Jill’s office, ran into CC The Newbie. They both tumbled down onto the ground and TG landed on top of CC. They looked deeply into each other’s eyes and then kissed each other. Poisonwood looked on in amazement.

“Talk about Insta-lust…” said Poisonwood.

**********************************************************************************************************

Megan McTavish, the show’s beleaguered head writer had been summoned to Jill’s office. But when she got there it was empty. She was pissed. She was busy writing a big scene with Viki and Ben. She rolled her eyes and went to leave Jill a note but looked into the mirror in back of Jill’s desk and found Mirror McT looking back.”Meg, you gotta’ stop catering to Jill’s every whim…”

McT wrinkled her nose, “I thought she was going to be here…”

”Well she’s not. And if she were? She’d just give you a rash of $hit about your latest scripts and make you re-write Sykes and Skye’s big sex scene AGAIN…” said Mirror McT sarcastically.

“I think Jill had some ideas on what to do about Bo and Mel…” said McT sheepishly.

”Meg, wake up and smell the SULFER!! Jill uses you!! Tell Jill to take a flying leap…tell her to walk into Times Square traffic!! Tell her to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge!! Take charge Meg!!” said Mirror McT boldly, “Sykes stinks and you know it!! No cares if he has hot sex with Skye!! No one cares if Ben is the missing Buchanan!! No cares that Sam and Nora have broken up!! Meg – NO ONE CARES!!” ranted Mirror McT.

“YEAH!! TAKE CHARGE!!” said McT speaking out loud, standing straight and sticking her chest out.

Just then Woodsy walked in holding his coffee cup, “Meg, you really should stop talking to that mirror.”

“Yeah. It’s scary when you do that,” added KB walking in after Woodsy.

McT’s posture changed like a deflated balloon as the rest of the Picture Frame Boys walked in followed by the Supreme Egomaniacal Demi-goddess of them all, Jill Farren Phelps. Jill was puffing 3 ciggies and giggling like a stuffed and contented pig. Woodsy made himself comfortable on the casting couch. JB started flexing his bicep in the mirror.

“Meg!! I just came from a meeting with Ang and she’s got some great ideas. Starting with Colin as Todd’s long lost brother…” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.

”That again?!” fussed Mirror McT, “Can’t she leave that alone?”

“Jill, look, I really don’t think…” started McT.

“That’s your problem Meg. Don’t think. Let me do the thinking…” grinned JFP.

Just then Dim and Don walked in carrying the mail. Patty M and NP inconspicuously followed them in.

“Mail Call Jill,” said Dim rolling her eyes.

“You two know how to interrupt at just the wrong time…” fussed Jill puffing on her ciggies.

“You want to hear the mail or what?” asked DJ crossing his arms.

“You’re pretty bold for not being an FOJ Ron,” said MD practicing his trademark scowl.

“That’s Don,” said DJ. “McT get over here! I want you to hear the mail too!” yelled JFP dragging harder on her ciggies.

McT walked up and sulked.

“Okay girls, give it to me straight,” said JFP.

“Ratings fell to a 3.6…” started Dim.

“Yeah, but we’re in 6th place and you won’t hear me complaining about that!!” grinned Jill.

“SOD printed an article about what you said about constructive criticism…” started Don.

“Well, I didn’t mean a word of it,” said Jill, “It’s lies!! All lies!! The only people I listen too are people who share my vision!! So, how did the big Buchanan Heir go over?”

“You got 3 letters for it and 30 who said it sucked,” said Dim.

“I don’t believe that either. I think those ten anti-Ben and Blondie fans from Mediadomain are writing multiple hate letters…” said Jill pouting.

Just then KB walked over and whispered into her ear.

Jill’s mouth fell open and all her ciggies dropped onto the floor.

“No way!!” exclaimed Jill.

“What?” asked McT. “AMC scored a 6.0 rating this week!!” lamented Jill.

“So much for your 3.6 and 6th place huh?” asked Dim.

“So much for that damn satellite dish!” said KB.

“I’ve been CHEATED!! ROBBED!!” yelled Jill. She threw a hissy fit and stomped her feet on the floor.

“So was Phil, Robin, and Diva Hickland,” said Dim.

Just then, AngelaB, the trusty and reliable UPS Girl walked in followed by DF and JSS who were carrying in two heavy packages.

“Hi Ang.”

“Hi Dim.”

“What’s this?” asked Jill, “Woodsy be a sweetie and light me a few ciggies…”

Woodsy got up off the casting couch and lit Jill a few ciggies.

“Fed Ex from A. Shapiro. Sign here…” said AngelaB shoving a UPS clipboard at Jill.

Jill gave it to McT, “McT, you sign it. I don’t sign for nothing.”

McT rolled her eyes and signed the clipboard. AngelaB walked out. “Well, put it down on my desk and open it,” instructed Jill.

NP and Patty M inconspicuously walked out.

JFP motioned for KB. KB walked over, “Kale, find out who those two are okay?”

“Sure Jill,” said KB. He left.

Don and Dim looked over DF and JSS’s shoulders as they opened up Jill’s packages. DF and JSS held up some heavy duty Platinum picture frames.

“Goodie!! The new frames came!!” gushed JFP.

“Who are they for Jill?” asked Dim.

“Tim!! Woodsy!! C’Mon over here!!” said JFP.

TG and RSW walked over.

“Hey Tim you got lipstick all over your collar,” said JB pointing to TG’s collar.

“Oh,” said TG. He turned the collar inside out to hide the lipstick.

“So who’s the lucky chick?” asked MD.

TG just blushed. “Thanks,” muttered TG.

“Now I got Platinum Picture Frames for my boys Tim and Woodsy for earning Emmy nods…” said JFP proudly.

“Cool,” said Woodsy.

“Pathetic,” said Dim.

“Nothing but the best for my boys,” said JFP.

“So what about the girls?” asked Dim.

“Robin and Linda didn’t get any Emmy nods,” said JFP seriously.

Dim and Don just nodded their heads in disgust.

*******************************************************************************************************

It was late in the day. Dim was hanging out in her dressing room with JSS, TDS, and EP dressed as Poisonwood Rosie.

“Where’s CC?” asked JSS.

“In Tim Gibbs’s dressing room. I feel abandoned…” cried Dim.

Just then NP and Patty M walked in.

“Hi guys,” said Patty M. She held up a snicker wrapper, “We got the sneak peek.”

NP took it and read, “Meg, I want Blair to push Skye out a window. Colin stalks Nora. Sam rescues her, ‘cos he’s the show’s big hero. Who is Carlotta and why is she having sex with Hank?”

“Didn’t we have an affair before?” asked NP.

“I think so,” said Patty M.

“Sounds like the same recycled drivel to me,” said Dim. Dim read, “Dear Dim, Jill’s hatching a new plan to boost ratings. She’s going to glom onto Young & The Restless’s signal. Watch out! I got the scoop hanging out here with the Y&R crew. Love, your ex-roomie, Flo.”

Poisonwood rolled her eyes, “Jill will stop at nothing, will she?”

“Jill Will Pay,” said Dim.

NEXT:
1. SEW finds out about CC and Tim Gibbs.
2. JR and Liz2 interview McT.
3. RJ is jealous of Botrina.
4. Patty E and DF bust up the interview.
5. Jill GLOATS.
6. Diva Hickland gives CC diva lessons.
7. NP and Patty M got the sneak peek.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Copyright by DimWitt. Originally published on 18 MAR 2000 on “Mediadomain OLTL Topic Board”. Copyright owner provides the information on this server to anyone, but retains copyright on all text. This means that you may not: distribute the text to others without the EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION of the copyright owner. You may: print copies of the information for your own personal use, store the files on your own computer for your personal use only, reference hypertext documents on this server from your own documents.

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