Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART EIGHTY NINE
Satire - Part 89 - "I Don't Need Rog To Boost MY Ratings!!"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 12 MAR 2000.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Patty E and the gang find out what the remote control goes too.
2. Kamar decides to sabotage the competition.
3. Jill puts her secret weapon into action.
4. Botrina is blackmailed.
5. Make up room gossip!
6. NP and Patty M get the sneak peek.
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Patty E., Dim, CC The Newbie, Gina, ET, Fill, Hill’s replacement, and KdP walked onto the roof of the OLTL Studio. It was cold out and they were all bundled up in black winter coats. They walked up to the big a$$ satellite dish.
“If it isn’t one thing, it’s another…” fussed Dim.
“Well, I gotta’ hand it to Jill. She keeps us on our toes,” said Patty E., “I still have to deal with the Colin/Todd rumor…” She walked around the satellite dish scoping it out.
“Patty, what are we doing up here? It’s freezing…” shivered CC The Newbie as she puffed on her ciggie.
“Try and find a set of directions or something…” said Patty E.
“I found a bunch of buttons,” said Gina pointing to a bunch of buttons.
“I bet they control the thing,” said KdP looking over Gina’s shoulder.
“Is it really this crazy here?” asked Fill. “Yeah,” said Dim, “You aren’t going to narc us out to Jill are you?”
“Nah,” said Fill, “Like you guys said, I’m not an FOJ.”
“Hey Patty!” said ET, “I think I found the directions to this thing!”
Everyone crowded around ET. ET was looking up at the underside of the dish.
Dim read, “Turn the dish on and make sure it’s set to 87.9 MHz. Turn on the remote. The dish will interfere with all the Nielsen boxes in the area and make it appear more people are watching the show than really are.”
“Oh, that’s dirty…” said CC puffing on her ciggie.
“Typical Jill,” said KdP, “Trying to boost the ratings anyway she can.”
“Well, if Rog can’t do it…” started Gina.
“Resort to technology,” finished ET.
“Does anyone know the frequency to “All My Children?” asked Dim opening up the control panel.
“86.7,” said Fill innocently.
“What are you doing Dim?” asked Gina a bit confused.
Dim just grinned, “Well, I figure we can’t blow up the satellite dish but we can give the rating’s boost to a show that’s more worthy.”
“Slick Dim, Slick,” grinned Patty E.
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Kamar de los Reyes was walking down the halls of the studio griping about his thin scripts when he ran into EP, dressed Poisonwood Rosie. She was counting chicken bones in her charm bag. She had to make sure she had enough for a new spell she wanted to try out on him.
“Hey! Voodoo Chick! Watch where you’re going!!” fussed KdlR.
Poisonwood rolled her eyes, “You have a nasty disposition Kamar. I’ve got something that will cure your foul mood.”
“Feed it to the cat!” snarled KdlR.
Just then Bambi the Masseuse came walking down the hall toward KdlR and Poisonwood.
Poisonwood sighed.
“What?” asked Kamar.
“Bambi’s here again to provide her weekly maintenance to John Bolger’s man-breasts…” said Poisonwood rolling her eyes.
“What about my man-breasts?” fussed KdlR.
“You gotta’ be an FOJ Kamar or no star treatment for you…” said Poisonwood crossing her arms.
“Watch this,” said Kamar arrogantly.
He walked up to Bambi and smiled.
“You aren’t the matinee idol,” said Bambi.
Kamar flashed her his pearly whites, “I sure ain’t and I’ve got a job for you…”
Poisonwood just grinned as Kamar talked to Bambi.
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Dim walked onto the set of Buchanan Enterprises dressed in a “Botrina Tran Buchanan Gannon” power suit. JdP, MD, KdlR, and DJ were all ready there. KdlR had unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt showing off his highly buffed and polished man-breasts. The director walked in and yelled ‘Action’. The scene began.
Botrina was sitting down behind her desk making million dollar deals. Just then Antonio Vega waltzed in.
“Mrs. Gannon?” yelled Antonio, “We need to talk.”
Botrina stood up flabbergasted. This man was fine.
“Do I know you?” asked Botrina standing up diverting all her attention to him.
Antonio was amazed at how appealing Botrina was.
“No. But we need to talk. I know about RJ’s project to build a new club in Angel Square and I want you to stop it,” he said arrogantly crossing his arms.
Botrina got that evil devious look and walked out from behind her desk and directly into Antonio’s face. She flashed him a quick grin.
“Now why would I stop my husband’s project?” she asked.
Antonio looked deeply in her eyes. He was mesmerized with her, “Because your husband is a low life snake whose villainy will only destroy Angel Square. Besides, my whole family can’t stand him.”
“Right,” said Botrina seductively, “I’m supposed to drop everything and not support my husband in his endeavors for you?” she said.
Antonio kissed her.
Botrina was shocked at his presumptuous nature, backed off and smacked him.
“You want more. And I’ll give it to you,” smiled Antonio.
“I am a happily married woman!” shot back Botrina wiping her lips.
Just then Ben Buchanan walked in.
“All right! Where’s the old man!! We’ve got business to discuss!!” snarled Ben.
Botrina backed away from Antonio.
“What is this? Grand Central Station?!” yelled Botrina, “I can’t get any work done like this.”
Ben crossed his arms and looked at Botrina, “Two timing your husband all ready? Obviously you don’t love him like I love Blondie,” grunted Ben.
Botrina got in Ben’s face and put her hands on his hips, “Just who the hell are you?”
Max and Blair walked in looking sad.
“Botrina, Ben’s your uncle. He’s really Asa’s son,” said Max.
Botrina’s mouth dropped, “You’re kidding me?!”
Ben just sneered, “Just call me Unca’ Benjy.”
All of a sudden Joey ran in and spouted his two gratuitous lines, “Botrina you gotta’ come quick. Grandpa had a heart attack and is in the hospital!!”
“Oh My God!” yelled Botrina. Everyone ran out leaving Antonio in the office.
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The usual suspects gather in the make-up room. Dim, CC The Newbie, EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, ET, DJ, TDS, DF, GT, Patty E and JSS were all present. Melissa the Makeup Chick was putting makeup on GT. Alyssa the Hairdresser was putting on ”It-ain’t-going-nowhere” hair gel in JSS’s hair.
“Don, heard any good rumors?” asked Dim touching up her blush.
“It’s been kinda’ slow in the rumor mill this week,” said Don, “I keep hearing the same stale stuff over and over.”
“Hey, I was with Kamar when he got Bambi to massage his man-breasts,” said Poisonwood trying to help out.
“Well, good for Kamar!” exclaimed JSS.
“Kamar’s a dick,” said Melissa the Makeup Chick, “Didn’t you know he once turned down an ALMA award ‘cos he didn’t want to be known as a soap actor?”
CC puffed her ciggie, “No shocker there.”
Just then JFP walked in followed by her picture frame boys. She was vigorously polishing TG’s picture frame trying to get the fingerprints off of it. KB was playing with a remote control. A young blonde girl was standing next to Woodsy.
“All right everyone! Listen up!” said JFP dramatically walking to the middle of the make-up room.
Dim looked at CC and they rolled their eyes.
“What’s up Jill?” asked Patty E.
“I want you all to meet Darlene Vogel. She’s going to be the new chick, “Melanie”. I want everyone to give her a warm welcome!!” JFP glanced down and frowned. The prints weren’t out yet.
“Hi everyone,” said DV waving her hand.
The make-up room gossip crew looked rough. Everyone crossed his or her arms.
The DePaivas looked at each other and started taking bets on how long she would last.
“Hi Darl,” said Dim, waving her hand. Everyone else waved too.
“Good,” said JFP giving her frame to TG to hold so she could drag on her ciggies.
“Kale, I think it’s time to press the remote control. I don’t need Rog to boost the ratings…I’ve got technology on my side,” chuckled JFP dragging on her ciggies.
“Where have I heard that one before?” whispered GT to ET. KB grinned and pressed the button.
“Ah Jill,” asked KdP, “To what does that remote control go to?”
Jill just snickered, “You’ll find out soon enough.”
“Jill…” whined JB, “Bambi never showed up…”
Jill looked panicked, “$hit! We gotta’ get your man-breasts in shape for your big love scene with Robin Christopher. Does anyone want to give our matinee idol a rub down? It’s for the good of the show.”
Dim looked terrified.
GT hid behind Don Jeffcoat.
ET excused herself to go to the bathroom.
Poisonwood went to kill rumors.
CC had to go buy more ciggies.
JFP looked at Darlene, “Guess that leaves you Darls.”
DV just swallowed.
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It was the end of the day. Dim, CC, TDS, JSS, and Poisonwood were all hanging out in Dim and CC’s dressing room.
Dim took a sip, “Poor Darlene.”
“All I can say is that I’m glad I’m not the newest kid on the block anymore!” said CC.
“Tim, congrats on winning the Best Villain award at the Soap Opera Awards…” said Poisonwood.
“Thanks. I was touched. I can’t believe I won…” said TDS all happy.
“I think the fans voted for a straight ABC ticket. I mean that’s the only thing that explains whey Ben and Viki won,” said Dim.
“Who knows. Maybe Ben and Viki are really HOT with the viewers and we’re the ones in denial over how HOT they really are…” suggested JSS.
Just then NP and Patty M walked in.
“Hi Guys,” said NP, “We got this week’s sneak peek.” He held up a snickers wrapper.
“Let’s hear it,” said JSS.
Patty M read, “Ang, sit back and enjoy it. Hehehe…The ratings are going through the roof. Literally. We still haven’t cast Colin but I assure you when we do, he’ll rock your world. I’ve got lots of sex, violence, and cuss words coming up. Love, your faithful slave…Jill.”
“I was wondering why Sophia started cussing all of a sudden,” said CC.
Just then there was a knock on the door. Dim collected her postcard from AngelaB. AngelaB also had stunning gifts for TDS, EP, and Dim from FL.
“Flo is the sweetest,” said EP holding up her “stunning” gift.
Dim read her postcard, “I hope you guys like your goodies. I got them here in L.A. It’s hot here but I’ve gone a few auditions that sound promising. Keep an eye on the ratings…Love, your ex-roomie, Flo.”
“Man, it’s a shame Jill chased off Robin and Flo. At least Robin got a chance to go to the Soap Awards…” said TDS, “She was looking great there!”
“I miss Robin,” said CC.
“I miss Flo,” said Poisonwood.
“Jill Will Pay,” said Dim.
NEXT:
1. RJ finds Antonio sniffing around his woman.
2. DV gets a dressing room.
3. Mail call is back.
4. Mirror McT RANTS!!
5. NP and Patty M have the sneak peek.
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