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Satire - Part 88 - A Good Diva Can Do ANYTHING!!
May I have just a moment for silence for Florencia Lozano as she closes the door on Téa's penthouse and this chapter of the character's story this week. Thank you.
We may now start our regularly scheduled program...This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 04 MAR 2000.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. TG is miffed when he finds fingerprints all over his frame.
2. JFP is pissed to find out all her bucks were sucked dry out of her checkbook.
3. RC is miffed over rumors of her leaving.
4. Kamar is tiffed over JB’s star treatment.
5. Diva Hickland looks in Jill’s ”unmentionables” box.
6. Mirror McT talks some sense into McT.
7. Botrina and RJ consummate the marriage!! It’s JFPee’s most sizzling montage yet!!
8. NP and Patty M get the sneak peek.
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Dim, CC The Newbie, GT, KdP, and Patty E were hanging out in front of Hill’s dressing door waiting for Hill to show up. CC dragged on her ciggie. KdP was using a palm pilot to figure out the odds on the ratings taking a plummet. GT was looking at glamour magazines. Dim was reviewing her thin scripts.
“Guys have you heard? Jill’s been bragging about how she fooled everyone into thinking Sykes was the Buchanan Heir,” said Dim.
“Well, I knew better,” said CC puffing on her ciggie and sticking out her chest like a Diva in Training.
“Poor Mark Derwin! I hear he doesn’t get along with Phil either,” added GT looking at her magazine.
“Who are you kidding? I’m surprised Phil Carey didn’t really have a heart attack when he found out.” added KdP.
“Well believe me,” said Patty E, “You guys aren’t the only ones appalled by this lackluster decision. I have noticed Phil’s been smoking more in order to relax.”
“Man, where’s Hill?” fussed CC practicing her “Diva-fussing”, “I need my morning fix of coffee.”
“It’s not like Hill to be late,” said GT, “What do you think of this ‘do?” she held up a picture of a radical ‘do.
“Radical Gina,” said KdP glancing up from the odds.
“Patty E, did you hear Jill wants to make “Colin” Todd’s long lost twin brother?” asked Dim.
Patty E was shocked and rolled her eyes, “Nothing Jill does surprises me anymore. Don’t worry girls. I’ll come up with something.”
Just then JFP, smoking 3 ciggies, showed up with Felicity LaFortune. She used to play “Laurel” on “All My Children.”
“Girls,” said JFP puffing on her ciggies, “This is Hill’s replacement, Fill,” said JFP, “So do your best and make her welcome.”
Everyone stared at JFP.
“So, uh, Jill, where’s Hill?” asked Patty E.
“You scare her away too?” asked Dim crossing her arms.
Jill rolled her eyes, “Ha. Ha. Ha. No, I didn’t scare Hill. If you must know, Hill hurt her back and Fill’s gonna’ fill in a bit till Hill is on her feet.”
“Oh. That’s cool,” said KdP.
“Is Hill all right?” asked CC blowing smoke in Jill’s face, trying to act diva-like.
Jill blew a cloud of smoke back in CC’s face, “She’ll be okay.” Jill walked off.
“We should get Hill a card and have everyone sign it,” said Patty E taking charge.
“Even the FOJ’s?” asked Gina.
Dim held out her hand, “Well Fill it’s nice to meet you.”
Felicity shook her hand, “Same here.”
“Are you an FOJ?” asked KdP.
Felicity looked confused.
Just then, Diva Hickland, dressed in pink, walked past the crew holding Jill’s box of ”unmentionables”, “Girls, if you want to find out what’s in the box, follow me to my dressing room.”
They looked at each other stupefied and followed Diva Hickland.
KdP grinned and looked at Dim, “Diva Hickland was the only one brave enough to open the box. I had her a 3 to 1 odds.”
“Oh,” said Dim.
“Hey Diva Hickland, are you sure you wanna’ look in that box of ”unmentionables?” asked CC The Newbie puffing on her ciggie.
“Newbie, a good diva can do anything,” said Diva Hickland confidently walking into her dressing room, “Stick with me and I’ll make a diva out of you yet.”
CC smiled at that.
Diva Hickland put the box of ”unmentionables” on Diva Dano’s dresser.
“Hand me the letter opener,” instructed Diva Hickland.
Dim gave Diva Hickland a letter opener.
Diva Hickland tried the letter opener on the box but no luck. She threw it down on the floor.
“All right, hand me the screwdriver,” said Diva Hickland.
GT gave Diva Hickland a screwdriver. Diva Hickland screwed and screwed with no luck.
Patty E gave Diva Hickland a hacksaw. Diva Hickland sawed away but the box wouldn’t open.
Everyone was stunned.
Finally, Diva Hickland looked up, “This calls for the big guns. I need a sledgehammer.”
“A sledgehammer?!” exclaimed the crew.
Diva Hickland walked in back of Diva Dano’s closet and pulled out a sledgehammer. With one swell swoop, the sledgehammer ripped the ”unmentionables” box in half.
Hesitantly, they walked up to the box and peered inside it.
“Ewewewew…” muttered Dim.
Patty E held up a spray can of “Insta-hair” and read off the can, “Great for making the ultimate hair helmet.”
KdP reached in and held up a box of “High potency chocolate” and read, “Guaranteed to add some zip to your sex life.”
GT held up a really slinky red dress, “I didn’t think Jill owned something like this.”
“Neither did I,” frowned KdP.
Diva Hickland held up a remote control, “Well, I wonder how this fits in.”
“Oops…” said Dim holding an unmentionable ”unmentionable”.
Everyone was grossed out.
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Dim walked onto the set wearing a bathrobe, holding her thin script. Just then TDS walked in wearing only a thong. Needless to say it was a closed set. George the Cameraman couldn’t stop giggling.
TDS walked up to Dim, “So, ah…”
“I’m nervous too Tim. I’ve got a pretty thin body stocking on under this robe,” said Dim blushing.
“Why can’t we be like Todd & Téa?” said TDS frowning, “They never had sex.”
“You know Jill. Next week one of us will be two timing the other,” added Dim, “Look at Max, Blair & Skye. Kelly, Joey & Kevin…”
Just then Jill marched in, puffing on her ciggies followed by a slew of minions dictating memos to them and telling George and the director what to do. TDS, all embarrassed, hid behind Dim and her bathrobe.
“Jill!! I thought this was a closed set!!” fussed TDS.
“Yeah!! What are all your minions doing here? Tim and I are practically naked!!” cried Dim.
“Pisshaw. I need them all here to help direct the show. Now get down on the sand and take it off,” said Jill crossing her arms, “This is gonna’ be HOT!! Hotter than Hot!! My HOTTEST love scene yet. Think I’ll get an NC-17 rating?” she asked George as she puffed on her ciggies.
“Most definitely,” said George.
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Meanwhile,
Back in Jill’s office…
McT was in Jill’s office waiting for Jill. She reviewed her notepad, bit her pencil, and reviewed her notepad. Finally she looked up into the mirror only to discover…Mirror McT!
”Look Meg, just tell Jill to get her jollies elsewhere!!” said Mirror McT.
“But I can’t!!” fussed McT, “My back is in a corner. Jill really wants to make Colin Todd’s long lost twin brother.”
”Just say no Megan, you wuss!!” said Mirror McT, “The last thing you need is Jill’s pi$$ poor TnT clones. Believe me, Mel’N’Colly are gonna’ tank and Jill’s gonna’ blame you like she blamed everything else on Pammy Long!!”
McT grunted, “Nah. Jill won’t do that.”
”Just in case, buy a crowbar,” said Mirror McT.
“So what is Pammy Long doing these days?” asked McT looking in the mirror.
Mirror McT nodded her head with disgust, “Dear sweet Pammy Long has a job as an executive producer producing a show for MTV all about…sex!! See. She learned a lot from JillZilla.”
“But does it pay well?” asked McT.
Just then the picture frame boys walked in.
“Talking to yourself again McT?” asked KB snidely.
McT gave him a dirty look.
RSW was sipping coffee. Tim Gibbs was going over some stills, trying to pick out a good picture to give SOD. KB licked his lips, MD sneered and JB was on his cell phone, shouting, while making an appointment with Bambi the masseuse to give his man-breasts a rub down.
“Hi Meg,” said RSW sitting down on Jill’s casting couch, “Anyone seen Darlene lately?”
“Hi Woodsy,” said McT.
Tim Gibbs walked up to Jill’s desk so he could admire his picture frame and was appalled to discover fingerprints smeared all over his picture.
“McT you HACK! You’re crazy! Did you do this?!” fussed TG holding up his picture frame.
”Don’t take that $hit from him!” screamed Mirror McT, “Smack him upside his flimsy army haircut head!!”
McT walked over to TG and smacked him upside his head, “Hey! I ain’t no Hack!! I ain’t your drinking buddy!! You better treat me with some respect!! You ain’t all that and a box of chocolates!!”
Tim Gibbs was shocked and rubbed his head, “Sorry McT.”
Mirror McT smiled.
All the Picture Frame Boys stepped back and looked shocked.
Just then JFP walked in, puffing her 3 ciggies and grinning from ear to ear, “Morning boys. McT. Let’s get down to business. Kale cut a big fat check for Robert Kelker Kelly…” said Jill issuing orders.
KB grabbed the checkbook off her desk.
“John…SPW is coming over and giving you a two page spread…I also arranged for you to attend Super Soap this year…” continued JFP.
“You want me to wear the Hawaiian shirts Jill?” asked JB.
“Sure John, now McT, how are you going to explain that Colin is Todd’s long lost brother?” asked JFP.
“I don’t think we should go there…” started McT.
“Nonsense,” said JFP, “I gotta’ drop my gratuitous Todd tease to keep the audience watching. I gotta’ keep the ratings up you know.”
Just then KB looked up and licked his lips, “Ah Jill, I don’t mean to make you mad but the checkbook is bone dry. There’s no money in it.”
“What?!” said Jill freaking out, “I’m pi$$ed!! Who spent the money?!” she lit another ciggie and dragged on it hard.
Suddenly, Jill’s door flung open and KdlR walked in, “We gotta’ talk Jill.”
Jill rolled her eyes, “What are you here to whine about now Kamar? You should be happy. I hooked you up. You don’t have to worry about Wendee Pratt ever again.”
Kamar rolled his eyes, “I’m tiffed!! What’s this about John Bolger getting a two page spread in SPW? I mean the viewers want to see “Antonio”!! My character’s got more going for him than that dullard “Sykes”!!” whined KdlR.
MD patted KdlR on the back, “Look Kamar, you’re never gonna’ be a picture frame boy at this rate.”
“Kamar, I hate to break the news to you but you’re no matinee idol like John over there is,” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.
Just then Dim walked with NP and Patty M.
“Hey Jill, we’re passing around a get well card for Hill. Wanna’ sign it?” asked Dim sarcastically.
“Sure,” said Jill, She took the card, signed it and passed it around.
“Jill, McT smacked me ‘cos I called her a hack!” said TG tattling on MCT.
Jill dragged on her ciggie, “McT, you can’t go around smacking the hired help.”
“Tim’s miffed. He accused me of putting fingerprints all over his frame. I was just defending myself,” said McT signing Hill’s card.
Dim smiled.
Jill walked up to her desk and looked at TG’s frame, “Aw man…” she cried, “I worked so hard on that frame!!”
NP looked at Patty M and rolled his eyes. They walked up to Jill’s desk and scoped it out for snickers wrappers. Jill was so upset she didn’t notice them.
KB got Hill’s card and wrote, ”I miss the way you laugh at me. Hurry back Hill.”
“What else could possibly go wrong now?” asked JFP frowning.
Just then RC walked in with a “Skye-high” attitude.
“Jill, Poisonwood told me there’s a rumor going around that you’re giving me the heave-ho,” said RC. Her voice was cold and hard, “I’m miffed.”
“That’s news to me Robin. In fact it’s your turn to do the next red-hot lust scene with John over there,” said JFP.
RC wrinkled her brow and looked at JB who leered at her.
Dim picked her teeth and rolled her eyes, “Hey Robin, Flo left some cough drops if you need them.”
“All right!! All of you!! Stop whining and go snivel to someone who cares!! Like the fans!!” yelled JFP puffing on her ciggies.
Everyone looked shocked.
NP and Patty M walked out after accomplishing their mission.
“Hey Kale,” said JFP pointing at him, “Who were those two? They work here?!”
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It was late in the evening. Dim, CC The Newbie, TDS, and JSS were hanging out in Dim and CC’s dressing room. Dim was flirting with JSS.
CC The Newbie was watching her “Diva in Training” Cdi that RS left for her.
“Man, is it me or is it dull around here?” asked Dim.
“I just think everyone is still bummed you know,” said TDS.
“Yeah,” said JSS rubbing Dim’s arm, “We need some excitement around here.”
Dim bit her lip, “We can go to your dressing room if you want.”
Just then NP and Patty M walked in and held up a snickers wrapper, “You want excitement? You got it,” said Patty M.
NP read, “Note to Angela Shapiro, Supreme ABC Soap Opera Goddess: Ang, you’re looking good today. I just want to let you know I plan on keeping the show’s sky-high ratings by lots of sex and violence. McT’s writing some great stuff for my TnT clones, Mel’N’Colly and Colly is going to be Todd’s long lost twin brother. Next week, I put the secret weapon into action like we discussed.”
“Secret weapon? Jill’s got a secret weapon?” asked CC The Newbie puffing her ciggie.
“I noticed she put up a huge a$$ satellite dish on the roof,” said TDS.
Just then AngelaB, the trusty and dependable UPS girl dropped off a postcard for Dim from Flo.
Dim read: “Dim the secret weapon has something to do with the satellite dish. I know you can figure it out, Love, your ex-roomie, Flo.”
“This does not sound good,” said JSS.
“Jill Will Pay!” said Dim.
NEXT:
1. Patty E and the gang finds out what the remote control goes too.
2. Kamar decides to sabotage the competition.
3. Jill puts her secret weapon into action.
4. Botrina is blackmailed.
5. Make-up room gossip
6. NP and Patty get the sneak peek.
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